...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

day 93 blog 82 free association to refocus

i am really all over the place tonight. i apologize in advance for the truly free association that is about to occur as i have no direction in this post...my husband flies home from the bay area first thing in the morning. he went to the memorial service of a dear friend from high school/college and i haven't done a very good job being a single mom this weekend. the house is a disaster...i used to think i was mainly keeping the house tidy for manuel who requires more order to function than i do and he would always correct me and say, "no, you are doing it for us, for our family"...i see now how true that is since i can't function either in this much chaos...i have this problem with waiting until the last minute to do important things (i mean, like REALLY bad...to the point of trying to free associate my handwritten wedding vows because it was too much pressure to write them perfectly enough)...i also sabotage things on some unconscious level that sometimes gets close to conscious and then i just feel badly about myself that i would do that so i have to be apathetic or detach or not care...so i vacillate between really caring too much and being very emotional, or being super analytical and overly obsessive or just detaching and not caring...not good emotional skills in a parent or to teach my children...would love any advice on how to integrate feelings, thoughts, values, with daily living...again, related to my thesis that took me 7 years to complete and still not enough answers...but back to procrastinating...the house is messy, i was going to do a lot of extra projects and surprise manuel and haven't even done the basics...i have so many thoughts/projects/"to do" lists running through my head i was going to jot them all down here but it is giving me too much anxiety since some of those include worries about my health, depression, skeletons and mostly a lot of clutter in my closets and everywhere for that matter...i need to focus or concentrate on the basics like eating well, getting enough sleep, going for walks to get my blood circulating and mind clear, keeping the house tidy, going through paperwork before it piles up and i lose things, taking showers to start my day and getting all of our hair (myself and 2 kids) fully brushed instead of swept up into pony tails or buns...these little details i'm adding cuz when i start falling apart mentally a lot of things most people take for granted in their daily routines start slipping and then i'm stuck trying to figure out where to start to get out of negative cycles...like it is hard to be motivated to do all that i just listed when i feel depressed but i will feel more depressed if i don't...same with my health; i know that i need to "take care of myself" through nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc. but when my body is not absorbing vitamins and minerals and my adrenal glands are stressed out and i feel stressed to the point of yelling all the time and getting irritated over the smallest things and i feel like i need a massage for all of the tension and built up negative emotions i have trapped in my shoulders and neck and i got a brief chiropractic assessment telling me i have a lot of stuff stuck or misaligned or whatever (turning all different directions to nurse two children while i'm asleep doesn't help this either i'm sure)...i'm really not sure where to begin...

so i visualized these "little things" photographs depicted here...details of my children and my life...our vacation in hawaii this past may...my husband took these shots...i take a LOT of photos but realize now it is often the smallest details that i should focus more on (hmm...is there an analogy here?)...i wasn't trying to make the connections that are now coming to me...maybe i should listen more closely...to myself? to my intuitions? my heart? God? i'm not sure...just listen and maybe be still more...

i know everything is going to work out and i just need to slow down, relax, go through the motions to make sure the basics and little things are taken care of before struggling or obsessing over bigger picture topics...or maybe just get more sleep for now...that is always my conundrum of what to do with "extra" time...use it for "me" time (usually blogging, going through photos, working on projects or letters), go to bed to try and get "enough" sleep, or work on decluttering my life and our house of backed up paperwork, piles in garages and closets and drawers, etc. that always gets literally shoved further away...i know i would feel a lot better about myself if i decluttered but i rationalize i'm too exhausted and just need to sleep...and end up blogging and staying up late...so as much as this free association has been somewhat helpful getting these things down and off my chest, i cannot obsess over it...analyze, keep free associating, etc....i'm going to just go through a little paperwork so i feel like i accomplished something...but probably end up adding things i find to my mental "to do" list and worrying i'm not writing them down...and then when i do find my journal to write them down worrying i am obsessing over making lists instead of doing the things on the list...i really am having trouble with balance and priorities tonight!


  1. Those little peeks into your family life were really cool. So many of those would look great framed :)

    sometimes when I get into overwhelm I pick just one little thing to do and get it done. Even if it's just to clear off the bathroom counter (not even clean it, just clear it!) I used to make giant long lists. One thing that helped me was using a timer. I set the timer for 15 minutes and did what I needed to do fast and furious until the timer went off. Most of the time I got what I needed to get done long before the timer went off so I'd just go to the next item on the list.

    I don't do this all the time, but when I'm in need of a swift kick in the rear end a timer does it :)
    Kristin - The Goat

  2. Wow. my mind does that all the time. free-association thinking. suddenly, everything, even from the tiny corners of my life, starts flowing through my thoughts and blending together.

    Loved reading this post.


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