day 81 blog 68 lacking focus or motivation or something

here is my sweet son, story, engrossed in a book...focused...while driving on our 10 hour something journey to sacramento...my husband is at a concert downtown san diego (house of blues)...airborne toxic event...check them out if you don't know this band (i particularly like "sometime around midnight")...i just put them on in the background hoping the steady beat would work it's way in to my head and motivate me to pick it up a notch...

my point is just that i have this free time, alone, children fast asleep...and i've been looking forward to this time...idealizing that it is lacking in my life overall...and then when i have it i have restless energy...feel i should be sleeping, cleaning, going through paperwork, emptying closets, taking a hot bath, catching up with friends...anything but indulging myself in self-absorption on this blog...

don't get me wrong, usually this blog is a wonderful outlet for me to express what i love about my life and family and children and friends and photos i've taken and thoughts swirling around in my head, etc.

but then there are nights like tonight when i have all this nervous energy and i don't know where to go with it. so i try reading other people's blogs. flit around on facebook and find nothing interesting. brainstorm all the topics i never have time to write about that i should tackle now. and just don't have the energy or interest (apathy?) for any of it. is this irritability a form of depression? lack of sleep? poor time management? trouble balancing my values with what i am able to do? i don't know. even the analysis of these things is not particularly interesting to me. i just feel badly that i have this time and am not using it...can't even go to bed early if i decide not to blog as it is now almost midnight...

"...and the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for awhile...and the piano is this melancholy soundtrack to her smile..."

ok, more later when i'm able to be present, connected...