all the busy details of a week of summer

this first photo was taken at sea' new art class at our friend emily's house...it was monday afternoon after a 14+ hour marathon for her birthday at the beach (future post) and she really wasn't into it but she still managed to carefully color this entire large picture with a blue sky background...i believe we met up with her "student" aiden and his family at the pool that night...i made bean and cheese burritos for everyone and his mom brought chips, salsa and very yummy ripe peaches along with homemade cupcakes...tuesday escapes me at this point...i know story went without a nap and fell asleep sitting upright on the couch shortly after dinner...
tuesday night manuel was going to go to a little music concert, cold cave, at the casbah, a small club 3 blocks from our old apartment downtown...as he was about to leave he realized we have a friend temporarily living with us and she could watch s and s while we BOTH went...we so rarely get babysitters...i was tired but excited...story was sound asleep since he hadn't had a nap that day...sea was going to go to sleep but then realized we were going to leave (we didn't explain this idea to her as well as we normally would...we are usually very honest and up front about everything we are doing/intend to do with our children)...so she jumped out of bed and started crying that she didn't want us to go...we asked her why since she usually asks us to get a babysitter! and she said "because i LOVE you mommy and i'm going to MISS you..." to which manuel changed his mind and said "ok, sea, never mind...nothing is more important than you and we will stay..." (i'm overly simplifying this conversation, but that was the gist...the trouble wasn't that we were leaving but just that we hadn't prepared her or explained that possibility well enough) to which she sucked in breaths and said "no, i want you to go..." but she was still sniffling...we asked her if a video would cheer her up (i try not to let them watch much tv/movies) and she said "maybe?" and then we put a richard scarry compilation on and she was fine...so we decided to go! it was awesome...so nice just the two of us...i felt like a young 20 something again...possibilities in front of us, love for music, togetherness...we didn't have tickets and the show was sold out...but we waited patiently and sure enough, manuel's good luck led to the guy collecting tickets coming over to us during the 2nd opening act and saying "hey, you guys are the only ones still waiting, i'll let you in..." we even managed to get right next to the stage...literally, i was at the far left end on the corner leaning against the stage...great vantage point to watch the entire band and wesley eisold came within inches of my face...singing his heart out...so intense, so much feeling, so believable...we talked about how raw he was, how much he shared of himself, vulnerability, connecting with his audience, etc...we both shook his hand after the show and thanked him...i literally jumped on wikipedia late that night to read about him...we have the same birthday...he's felt misunderstood, write poems...his music is some cross between say morrissey and punk? i like the dramatic ballady stuff more than the angry electronic stuff...anyway, he is also good looking so manuel was joking how i had a little crush...

wednesday (yesterday) was ridiculously over-booked but in a good way...one of my good friends from college days (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and we lived together after college) sister ashleigh lives down here in san diego. she reminds me of a cross between myself (i even think we look a little bit alike) and her sister brandie...she just had a baby susana...they came over for breakfast...i felt surprisingly together...house fairly clean, even floors vacuumed, made an easy meal with make your own frozen GF pancakes (kids put butter, syrup, almond butter, whip cream, bananas, peaches, cinnamon, etc. on top) and scrambled eggs...ashleigh and i sipped our french press sumatra coffee with vanilla flavored coconut creamer and actually got to talk for a little while...our 4 children played fairly well together...especially when pablo the kitten let them wrap him in blankets in a baby stroller (i was enjoying our conversation too much to get a photo of this)...
next we packed up a quick lunch/snack of PBJ, apples, bananas, crackers, seaweed and juice boxes and headed to the neighborhood park to meet sea's "student" steven and his mom. sophia and i worked well together on various class projects in kindergarten and i really like her a lot as a person so it was nice to catch up and have adult time while the children zoomed around the park on their bikes (sea has only been riding a few days and was able to keep up with steven who is almost 7 and been riding for awhile! my little tomboy!) and story on his scooter...helmets too big...i was apparently so caught up in the moment i didn't even take any photos! a good thing i suppose...next the children collected leaves and sticks and played together creating things...i felt a little rushed at this point trying to head to the zoo...kids didn't seem to mind too much...we met my childhood friend cara and her daughter bria in the children's section of the zoo...my children could have played there all day! i really need to get more use out of our annual passes...here they are looking up at a loud squacking parrot (story covering his ears from the loud noise)...
story showing bria how to be dangerous...
sea finding another animal (a sloth)...story is nursing on my lap as i type this and he is pointing to the photo saying "those animals can bite" which was one of the qualities he and sea were looking for as they zoomed around the zoo...quick free associating aside...i used to over-relate with sloths as a child...felt big and slow and lazy and a little sad...glad my daughter doesn't overly focus on these details of life for now...
after playing on the "grayground" (what they used to call playgrounds) at the zoo bria wanted to go to the petting zoo...sea was spinning around and around and didn't want to come...she said something about being too big for the petting zoo...now that she is 6 i'm realizing she is getting too big for some things which made me sad but she humored me and came in and tried to be interested in petting a few animals...anyway, here is story next to a goat...
now it is thursday and i have so much i need to do! i could almost write my to do list here to show how random it is and how life can be busy without even scheduling anything...i'm aware this list will take several days but i usually over-list so i'll feel motivated i need to get on it because there is so much to do (yes, my intrinsic motivation isn't quite where i'd like it to be!)

--take kyra for a walk
--upload photos for photo books i have to complete by the 31st
--call marci to tell her we aren't coming out to see a cinderella play at the redlands bowl
--look into mary "puppet" (poppins) tickets for a play coming here to SD (their friend iris liked this in portland and s and s are really into this movie)
--pick up stronger (possibly toxic?) less natural (hopefully effective?) flea and tick meds for both kyra and pablo
--pick up 2 hummingbird feeders (we have some angry birds who are upset both ours broke and they haven't been fed for over a week...i always look forward to watching them hover around the olive tree and eat...and i want one in front of sea's bedroom window, too) and a dog bone for kyra who has been chewing on too many things
--put photos on a disk to take to costco...get ink filled for printer
--print out coupon for michael's and look for summer sales/get photo book
--check if CVS has put summer stuff on sale yet to get favors/beach supplies for sea's party next year
--pay bills online/mail mortgage payment
--organize sea and story's rooms/closets (toys in their right bins)
--make appt with applecare to have computer backed up to 2nd external hard drive (definitely for another day)
--clean out the kitchen cupboard so like items are together
--figure out how much deb owed on ana's shower so i can contact her/deposit check
--go through all paperwork so i know what i need to do in the future and can get rid of now (or actually do now instead of filing for a later date)
--get sea to write thank you notes for few gifts opened...open gifts from 1st co-op and write those thank yous...

we are meeting up with the members of our first co-op for one last coronado storytime/playdate in the park before calvin/sarah/family leave...i feel like i can't get enough photos/hold onto enough memories/stop time...not sure what i'm trying to do here but it seems like i'm trying to repair some childhood issues at the same time as dealing with this loss :(

no time for reflection/analysis...obviously too much to do today! sea is still sleeping at 8:23 a.m. and story has been nursing this whole time...pablo asleep on my purse on the desk by me...kyra asleep on the chair behind me..."one magic trick" by m. ward just came on pandora (kids love singing this song in the car)...story looked up from his "mummgies" to smile at me in recognition...

wow, i feel really good about how many details i got down on here! definitely representative of how busy our summer has been...hoping to slow down and just BE...enjoy my time with my children...someone recently asked me if i was going to put story in preschool and i just sort of looked at them blankly like i didn't understand the questions...honestly i'm so loving being home with them and i know in a couple years he will be off to kindergarten and it will feel like a couple minutes...story just grabbed my chin and turned my head saying "aahhh, look at pablo..."

off to be with them...

happy "ubu" day every day

i love this photo from sea's first valentine's day at school...i made her a necklace with yarn and a heart with missing diamonds her auntie breezy gave her...she is holding a card for her teacher and 24 identical valentines she made. the title of this post is "ubu" which is pronounced "uhhhb ewe" and is how chewey (story) used to say "love you" so that is how we still say it to one another in our family...

i was feeling sorry for myself this morning with a giant red rudolph-inspired pimple in the center of my forward, disheveled hair, no shower, messy kitchen, table, house...too much on my to do list...but this photo cheered me up and changed my focus...

story is playing happily alone...i'm listening to classical music...breathing...sipping hot carob milk that is just a little too warm to drink...my mom is still sleeping...manuel's mom and brother and his fiance are headed down shortly for sea's talent show...her eye is healing well (she ran into a wall at the party sunday)...

i'm being way too indulgent writing anything at all right now but somehow it felt like what i needed to do to feel centered and start my day...off to check things off my list!

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

me, my dad and my sis in a field of poppies...and "tea"

it is late and my daughter is still up...serving me "tea" and "shakes" out of her wooden toys...i'm tired so my hopes of catching up on others' blogs and writing something memorable about my dad or about blogging or summarizing/sharing your thoughts on blogging is going to have to be put off once again...this photo feels centuries ago...like we are out on a prairie in undeveloped territory...sea is now making me a "list" that she is crossing off saying "she isn't here anymore" "he isn't here anymore" "YOU are the only one here"...only i'm not...i really want to be more present for my daughter even if it is almost 10:30 p.m. and she should have been in bed 2.5 hours ago...and there were so many things on my own list i'd hoped to do tonight. this is my job; my life; my love...being a mommy and being here now, even when i had other ideas...now i'm feeling guilty i didn't even choose a photo of her serving me tea...i'm sure i can find one...so i'll go back to following her play and in between her search for other props i'll see...otherwise, i'll catch you later...she is finally ready for bed but here she is serving tea to her brother and kitty friends...

interview #1 with a 4-year-old (sea)

i hosted a gardening, cinco de mayo, early mother's day themed preschool at my house today...all but one of the members of the co-op attended (15) and then i invited non-member friends totaling almost the same...i'd say close to 30 people (most of them kids under 5) were running through my house for roughly 3 hours today...i'm too exhausted to upload the few photos i took or summarize so i thought i'd just list the questions and (sea's) answers from the interview i had moms complete (we switched kids figuring we would get different answers with a child other than our own):

what do you call your mommy? "mommy james" (story's middle names are manuel james?)
do you have any nicknames for her? danuse
what is your favorite thing about your mommy? having picnics at the park
what is your mommy's favorite thing to do? go and play with me and climb a tree and 100 more things
where is your mommy's favorite place to go? souplantation, muffay muffay
what do you wish your mommy would do differently? i wish she would let me eat meat
what is your mommy's favorite food? indian food
what do other people say about your mommy? how cute your mommy is!
what else can you tell me about your mommy? she likes going on lots of meetings
what is your favorite thing to do with your mommy? go and eat lots and lots of cupcakes off the floor

looking down, lists and "slippy soup"

i've had ongoing lists running through my mind...haven't had a chance to get them down anywhere where they will get done (and despite this challenge to myself, i can't bring myself to DO something first and then write it on a completed list)...so i remain a slave to lists and circular patterns that hinder productivity...one up side (back to the up theme of may at NABLOPOMO) is i like getting down on this blog all the random things we think about, do, hope to do but never do, minutia i'll likely forget but will be a window into our life at this point in time...

so what is "slippy soup" you may ask? or maybe you figured it out...that is what sea thinks we are saying when we serve her "split pea soup" so we go with it and ask her if she'd like slippy soup...this photo was taken at one of the museums in san francisco on the road trip with my mom in march that we never did get around to blogging about...

this is a totally unrelated idea but i've been free associating a lot in my head and want to get these things down so i can be productive (again, a losing battle cuz i can never get it all down and never have the time to be productive if i do get a lot down)...anyway, the idea that came into my head as i was vacuuming, head down, scanning the hardwood floors for dirt, food, rolly pollies (a lot make it through our open sliding door)...this is a run-on sentence if i've ever seen one! ha! anyway, back to the idea i still haven't relayed to you...the opposite of "looking up" or "looking down"...i do this often in my home in particular...obsessed with having a clean floor...it is a little easier with hardwood than carpet but still a pretty much all day long task...i am not usually all that clean or neat but i joke that my mom thought sweeping the kitchen floor was "spring cleaning" (not really, but it was a low priority to her growing up) and i distinctly remember visiting a neighbor with my mom when i was a little girl and my mom pulled me aside and was whispering in my ear in hushed tones something a long the lines of how neurotic or crazy said neighbor was as she hand washed her floors EVERY DAY and in that moment i determined that i wanted that for myself even if it meant i was crazy...so yeah, that is one of my obsessive cleaning things (i don't have many)...i think psychologically beyond my childhood issues with it i look at clean floors like the clean foundation of all else...like you can have clutter or other things to clean but if the you start with a clean ground you are on the right track...thanks for letting me share this free association on looking down...

now on to my lists...i thought to close this post i would just write out what i had hoped to do this week along with what i've actually done (or not done) so far, to give you an idea of life around here right now...

this past weekend i taught sabbath school and then we went to a birthday party (i hope to do a blog post with photos) for one of the 5-year-old co-op preschool members...sunday we spent ALL DAY at the beach which was lovely and relaxing...so much so that when we came home and got the children bathed and read them bedtime stories, well, we went to sleep with them! that meant sand, wet clothes, picnic baskets, etc. beach stuff needed to be cleaned up the next day...SO...my hopes of making it to a playgroup park day at the park literally down our street didn't happen...neither did my brisk walk...and then a girlfriend called to see if we wanted to meet her and her children (same age as ours) at people's, a health store where we shop and eat healthy vegetarian food together...i thought this would be the motivation i needed to be productive but i just felt overwhelmed, unmotivated and tired all morning...stalled and put off cleaning until it was almost time for story's nap when i was hoping to either sleep with him or have some down time and then i was frustrated the house was such a wreck...on the up side (there's that theme again) the kids played outside in our back yard a LONG time...without throwing rocks on the sidewalk, getting in to the pond, falling over the edge, digging up plants, getting everything but the plants wet...i have all these rules for being outside and i guess they wanted to be out there enough to avoid doing all these things...which was good for me...and them for that matter...i'll have to do a blog post about the mom's network class i attended on the value of the outdoors for children (and people for that matter) and how to get more of it into your life...so, i was happy about that...of course i did end up putting on a video for sea while i slept with story...manuel called in the middle of my nap and i couldn't fall back asleep so i must have done some tidying...

so here we are on tuesday...i had hoped to go to a storytime at a library in coronado that we regularly do on tuesdays...then follow it up with park playtime and a picnic lunch...but again, too much to do...and i really wanted to fit in a walk...so i made them a brief breakfast of bagels, almond butter and honey, bananas...apples...other snacks they could take in the stroller...bribed them with mango popsicles we could buy at the store and they could eat on the way back...manuel had a light morning and came home to be productive for an hour...we cleaned out the hall cupboards and gave away a lot of linens we never use...kids ate lunch and then went outside to play...sea discovered she could fill up a hole with water and slosh in the mud...up her to her chest sitting down...poured it down her hair and back...trouble rinsing off sufficiently made for much more cleaning inside...a bird flew in (twice!) and we moved slowly and directly to urge him/her to fly out the door...story has been napping really long now which means he'll be cranky when he does get up and then up late...but it has been worth it to get these rambling ideas out of my head...sea is drawing stories on typing paper (her favorite medium) with colored markers (her second favorite...she prefers "permanent ink" pens)...i had sea and story talk to their namenee (manuel's mom) on our walk and then auntie missy called awhile back and we caught up on the life of our cousin/niece baby meadow...i'm now stalling going through a lot of paperwork so i should give you a quick summary of the rest of the week and get on that in the moments i have before story wakes up...

the other thing i was going to do today that didn't happen is take the kids to the picture people...if you have one near you, get on their mailing list...you get a free sitting and one free 8 X 10 photo every month or so...we use them for our annual photo of the kids...we've used them since sea was 1...she wore the same pink dress and held the same monkey to compare her growth...i think she can squeeze into this dress this last year (it is a 3T size)...story wore jeans and a white shirt and held a stuffed bunny...if i can figure out how to use my scanner i'll get the age 1, 2 and 3 photos up for sea...

i did pay a couple bills and organize a meals on wheels delivery for a friend that just had a baby...meant to put some beans in a crock pot for cinco de mayo both for this friend's possible meal and co-op preschool. i'm hosting tomorrow and originally we were going to revisit a gardening theme but now i'm going to serve mexican food (and possibly a pitcher of margaritas...just a little for each mom since they have to drive home)...and have the children make mother's day cards. i thought i'd also take a photo of each mom and child to send them as my happy mother's day to them (probably via email since i don't even print out my own photos)...finally i'm going to have the moms switch kids and interview the 4 or 5-year-olds things about their mommy...i did this last year this time when sea was 3 and the answers are funny...maybe i'll do a post comparing 3 and 4...so that basically fills up my wednesday plans (except for running by the nursery for some gardening supplies...maybe little pots, soil and seeds to have the children grow a flower of some sort for mom? i was also going to have them make little 3 X 5 cards that say "sea's sunflower" and have them draw a picture of what is supposed to grow...but i know these won't make it onto popsicle sticks and/or get laminated...)

can you tell i'm back to drinking coffee? :)

we are going to a children's culinary class at a friend's house on thursday. last time we made pizzas and i can't remember what she is going to have them cook/create this week...

friday is typically my cleaning, car washing, laundry, groceries, etc. get ready for the weekend day and then we are leaving for ventura to spend mother's day with my in-laws and the little cousins...

i must make myself go now to be productive but thank you for allowing me this true "journaling" experience that someday hopefully will be interesting to myself or my children about our lives...

looking up

so i've fought against NABLOPOMO on and off the past few months...it isn't necessarily that i'm too busy to think i won't be able to commit to blogging every day as it is i feel i lose quality to quantity...and if i had to choose of course i'd rather write meaningful posts and have time to read others' posts, make comments, have a life...but the months i decide not to post every day, well i go 3 weeks without posting or reading others' lives or having a life...SO i am committing to blogging every day in may.

the topic for may is "look up" and i have some great cloud shots or tall buildings somewhere but thought a photo of one of my children (in this case, story) looking up would be more appropriate on my mommy blog...

a quick free association on this topic...my father passed away may 28, 2006 so i'll be reflecting on his passing at the end of this month. the day he died, the last real interaction we had before he left on the walk where he had a cardiac arrest and passed i was videotaping and not thinking about anything in particular and so it was a little windy and i turned the video camera up into the sky, watching the palm trees gently sway and that is where i ended the video...so i distinctly remember this and also the idea of "looking up" to heaven and beyond this earth to life in heaven where i can be reunited with my dad...

so this month i'd like to reflect more on God and His place in my life and connecting more with Him.

i also like the symbolism of "looking up" as being optimistic and hopeful, assuming the best in life and in myself and in others (i don't know much about the book/movie "the secret" but the idea is that if you change your beliefs and imagine them happening, they will...)...either way i'd prefer to focus on the idea that things are better than they may really be...

i also have to "look up" a lot of classmates in planning my 20 year high school reunion...i'm co-chairing the planning committee and our reunion is in july...

...and my daughter will be "looking up" from kindergarten at all the big kids when she starts in the fall...this milestone and all that comes with it and beyond will be on my mind a lot in the next few months...

i could keep free associating on this topic but i'm over it already (is that a bad sign for committing to blog every day?)...

quotas and coffee ramblings

getting in a quick post to meet my nablopomo quota...more meaningful posts when i have more energy and time...

i'm having one of those days where i'm just really behind on everything...just cleaned up breakfast and lunch messes are already taking over when i should be thinking about dinner...clothes should have been dried and piling up to be folded...bed only half-made, bills strewn around the room (i was looking for our home warranty's number to call in a claim about water damage that pushed up our hardwood floors in the living room)...been on the phone with hotel banquet managers about our reunion...again, talking quotas...how many people do i expect to come? what is the room capacity? price per person? how many people would also want to stay at the hotel? how do you guesstimate these things? going back and forth on dates and everyone has some reason a date doesn't work for them so now we have to decide how to decide whose needs are most important or how to choose? sea and story having a particularly difficult time sharing or getting along...so many "to do" lists i can't even find where i wrote them down (my husband used to joke i bought all these great books on organizing my life and the irony of course was that i was too disorganized to even FIND where i'd put them in order to begin...)

i've been borderline addicted to coffee which, i know, many people are...but i don't like things to control me...even substances...so as much as i enjoy coffee, i usually stop drinking it when i feel like i have to have a cup in order to feel ok or not get headaches or whatever...but today i caved and had a cup just to get by...that is the other problem with this addiction, i want to enjoy and savor the cup like it is special and makes me feel more energized, not like i need it to function...

really i just think i need more sleep...so some things have to go...it probably should be blogging or facebook or e-mails or spreading myself way to thin all over the place...but these things motivate me to do the mundane daily stuff...guess coffee will have to be my motivator in the short-term...still welcoming any advice on high school reunions...

lists; accomplished, need to do and little things

i was trying to upload a video of sea dancing to this bluesy band at the swap meet but the video was over 3 minutes long and taking way too long...maybe later...i finally upgraded to flickr pro (you can see my photos under "sea and story's mommy") and hope to use it as both a back-up for my photos, and well, now that they have merged with snapfish maybe i'll even print out some photos before our birthdays (manuel's is the 12th, mine the 15th and story's is the 27th of this month)...my point was just that i'm uploading a bunch of photos right now so my computer didn't want to try and do a video at the same time...

so back to my lists...i still didn't put up my resolutions...maybe by midnight tonight (once wee ones are in bed)...but i thought i could handle listing what we did accomplish today, what i still need to do (that i hoped to do today) and then a few "little things" as i call sea and storyisms...so this photo falls under the little things category...sea likes to kick up her heels quite literally when she dances and i didn't want to forget to write about that...she also is really in to drawing with "permanent ink"...story has really gotten in to saying "HI!" and "bye" and even "hungee" for hungry...just now sea was on the phone with my mom who was telling her that dogs' ears hurt when a fire engine goes by and she said "except for dalmations..." oh the ties she is making...one more; she says to her daddy "dance me!" which of course means dance with me...story learned how to pedal a small bike with training wheels a month or so ago so the children quickly ride after each other through the house...they are talking to my mom on the phone right now...story has been so excited about "MIMI" recently and it has been way too long since we've seen her...another storyism...he says "bumbee" for bumble bee...

i have to stop or i won't get to my lists which indirectly record typical days around here and just general randomness i might want to re-read sometime in the future...

last night i had a lot of anxiety dreams about planning my high school reunion. i was thinking a lot about the past, the present and hopes for the future and so my status update on facebook was something about existentialism and "remembering yesterday, living today and hoping tomorrow"...sure i borrowed that from somewhere...anyway, i was just thinking how different people live in different "times" (myself included) and how one thing this reunion offers each of us is a chance to balance those things...

so i straightened that idea out somewhat upon waking...then began uploading photos to flickr (in part to clean up my computer that has had way too many photos on the desktop trying to make family calendars)...uploaded photos from both my camera and my iphone and videos from my flip (just used this for the first time at disneyland this past month)...fed the children, somewhat cleaned up...changed 4 poopy diapers!!...then after riding their bikes around, making drawings, reading a few books they decided they wanted to play in the backyard...i thought it was too cloudy and cool but the sun came out and it was in the mid-60's so i thought eventually i would get out to plant the seedlings (2 kinds of broccoli, snap peas, spinach, arugula, several mixed types of lettuce...that is all i can remember right now) i bought 2 weeks ago...nope...too busy reprimanding children, changing clothes, taking off clothes, cleaning up dirt, cleaning off dirt, sweeping up rocks...

i'm not going to get to finish this list...sea is having a meltdown over picking up her drawings and i have to start dinner soon...more later...

lists, nablopomo, resolutions, kindergartens, reunions...ties

february 1st, 2010...somehow i'm treating this like jan 1st complete with goals for the month and year, new year's resolutions, fresh starts...guess i'm at least a month behind on these things...i also love lists. so this post is all about my list of things to do...things to get out of my head, out of my closets (literally and figuratively), out of my life...and what to fill my life with instead...

this photo of sea was taken at one of the many kindergarten orientations that we have attended the past few weeks...she is contemplating something...probably what to do next but more philosophically, what her life will be like when she is in school and away from spending every hour with her mommy and brudder story...or maybe i'm projecting way too much on to her experience and analyzing what was probably just a simple moment of pause in her life...

either way, i've had so much anxiety about this process. i should add that she is both starting school in the fall and i am attending (and helping to plan) my 20 year high school reunion this year. this brings up all sorts of issues for me (i went to the same school for 12 years so i was just a little older than sea when i started) and though i would overall characterize my school experiences as quite positive, i was often very depressive and felt misunderstood by most people (my peers and adults and teachers). much much more about this in future posts. along with what i'm hoping to achieve for sea when she is in school. and the process of resolving these two independent yet related issues. and letting go. and trusting God and myself and sea and my husband and the process...

so appropriately, the topic for february at national blog posting month (nablopomo) is "ties"...so despite my struggle with quality versus quantity, i have decided to challenge myself to blog every day this month. i figure i have so much anxiety and so many things tied together in my head that i might as well get these ideas down in my blog...and the more often i get them down, the less likely they are to build and take over me and this process...so join me in this ride and throw in some comments...your experiences, opinions, share...

mousy ears and helping haiti

one last disneyland shot...story put on his mickey mouse ears today...i really want to update this blog every couple days and i feel SO behind i'm not sure where to start...i think i should begin in the present and only allow myself to work backwards if i have time...otherwise i'm always behind...i feel like i spend more time thinking about what to write, analyzing, reading other blogs, making lists of what to write about, etc. and then the free time never comes...i've felt badly about haiti and self-absorbed...posting about disneyland! ha! while so many people are dead and just trying to survive...here are a few bloggers who said it better than i have made the time or effort to do so:

philosophical... heather of the extraordinary ordinary or ways to help on her blog here

elizabeth esther or you can help directly through her blog here

meg at penny carnival's suggestion to buy from a handmade community craft hope...

emily at wide open spaces or you can also help here on her blog...

or just practical advice like being prepared for emergencies ourselves, thanks julie prichard...

i'm enjoying reading others' and now it is late and everyone here is under the weather...plus our weather is cold and rainy with more of the same for the rest of the week...more later...

friday fragments, random xmas remnants and great youtube music

we haven't taken down our tree...or our lights or any decorations for that matter...only one other house on the block still turns their outdoor lights on but we like to be a little rebellious that way and keep the spirit going...i figure we will take everything down this weekend. i decided since i haven't blogged about xmas (or new years or thanksgiving for that matter!) i better blog about remnants of xmas...so these were some of the last shots on my camera roll. that reminded me that i just missed friday and friday fragments...a blogger named mrs. 4444's does this every week.. (i started uploading these late last night)...my friend and fellow blogger kristen always plays along and writes fun random things all compiled together on friday and i always mean to do the same and friday is gone by the time i get around to it...so here is my version anyway, a day late...my husband manuel has really been into retro 80's stuff lately...i read somewhere trends cycle back every 30 years or so and since the 70's hippy stuff was just in i figure we don't have long to go before fluorescents and bad super perms, etc. make their way back in...i should look for some old school junior high and high school photos to go along with this idea...but for now, manuel picked up an atari and here he is playing pac man with sea...
sea is left-handed...manuel is also (ambidextrous) and he mentioned to me yesterday he is going to encourage both children to use both hands so they can be, too...here she is making a cat with very large ears (i mistook it for a bunny)...she told me it was a daddy cat...
here is one of our camellia bushes out front with xmas lights...you can see the icycles hanging on our roof (we d0n't ever get real ones here in san diego...in fact, my cousin katie just returned to several feet of snow in michigan while it was in the EIGHTIES here yesterday...i had to change the children into short-sleeved shirts)...story is helping me water...
this particular bush has lots of buds but doesn't get enough light to have them bloom...here is one bloom that was in a random place that got just enough light...
camellias remind me of my dad and virginia...there were a lot of them near the house where he grew up and my mom always exclaimed over them...we would take walks to find and notice them along with all the TREES...my mom was from the northwest and couldn't believe how we didn't have all the green and trees like they did (rain and humidity help that so i'll take our plentiful sun and just travel to these places)...i love hibiscus flowers...tomato red in particular...this one is growing out front and reminds me how tropical it is here this time of year...
sea and story still working in the yard...another hibiscus flower...
these multi-colored daisy type ground cover are in little cut outs in the bricks between the sidewalk and our yard...i want to plant them all over our steep hill behind our house along with multi-colored and textured ice plant...hoping to get our winter garden in this weekend...adding lots of broccoli, kale, chard, arugula, spinach...
sea started making her own ornaments yesterday...drew this circle, cut it out and poked it on a branch...the one beneath it was from an ornament-making coop preschool class we hosted...i think i still haven't posted about that...i guess this post could be called "what i haven't yet blogged about"...
oh, so i'm at the end of my photos...i could write about many random things but in the spirit of staying in the present (cuz i always idealize i'll blog about the past and don't get there and then just feel guilty and sad and unfulfilled) i will blog about last night and leave you with some great youtube videos to look up...staying with the spirit of the 80's many of them are from that era when manuel and i were both quite dramatic and really into dramatic music...

yesterday i took sea and story to a hullabaloo kid's concert (they describe themselves as "farm-fresh, free-range, organic kid-folk in a genre filled with musical Twinkies and Ding-Dongs")...they played lots of the kid's favorite songs like "twinkle twinkle" (story sings this whenever he sees a star) and "you are my sunshine" (there is a great version of this by johnny cash i used to play a lot right before my dad died)...and the kids danced around and jumped on the bouncy floor of a gymnastics gym...tried to get video but they were going in opposite directions...

anyway, they both ended up getting sick and going to bed early...so manuel and i had a lot of time to hang out...we worked on projects and cleaning and organizing and made some new year's resolutions like maybe to do yoga together once a week and i'll go on a bike ride with him at least one morning a week while he pulls the kids in a trailer...but the main thing that stuck out from yesterday and late last night was listening to some great youtube music together...going back in the day and finding some new bands, too...so here is my list of just a few songs we played over and over that you should check out:

ian mccullock "candleland" (the version we watched has now been blocked)
til tuesday "coming up close" (check out 80's hair)
u2 & mary j blige "one" (video no longer available)
yo la tengo "little eyes" (used to sing this to sea right before she went to bed)
the airborne toxic event "sometime around midnight" (their video also not available but i'm putting a differt one on)

west indian girl "hollywood"
bon jovi "you want to make a memory" (we tried several times but couldn't get this last night)
dj disse "walk on the wild side"
the killers "all these things that i've done"
gay dad "black ghost"
luna @ malibu love next
echo & the bunnymen "i think i need it too"
dean & britta "words you used to say"
u2 "where the streets have no name" at slane castle
imogen heap "hide and seek"
the magnetic fields "with whom to dance?"
u2 "the wanderer" tribute to cash
u2 "all i want is you" live milan
audioslave "i am the highway"
fleet foxes "ragged wood"
my morning jacket on letterman june 8 2006 (playing with the boston pops)
findlay brown "come home"
u2 40 live from red rocks (really old school)

ok my hands are tired from linking...check out the fragments and join in...and enjoy the music!

day 131 blog 110 xmas prep

story loves frosty...i don't have time to upload all the crafty things we have been doing to get ready for the holidays...so i thought a photo and video of him chasing after frosty would be cheery and simple...take the second to click on the video as he is VERY excited and cute...


i mailed/dropped off 119 xmas cards...most of which had a short personal note inside...and now i'm feeling pressure to update this blog since i told everyone to check here to see what we are up to...make a comment and say hello if you are just stopping by for the first time...or even if you just want to say hello...

hope to paste our xmas card and it's contents after everyone has received it...should give you a pretty good idea of our life...for now i'm finishing creating family photo calendars online and generally getting ready for my mom, sister and "hayno" (lady named hazelle we grew up with who filled in as my mom's mom) to come over and celebrate xmas eve tomorrow. we will cut out, bake and decorate sugar cookies, have a mid-afternoon meal and open a few gifts...then head off to manuel's family's house in ventura for xmas and the weekend.

i would still like to dedicate a post to my dad (his birthday was the 18th) and how we miss him but are incorporating him and memories of him in our daily life and holiday rituals...

so much to do i would rather be reading other blogs and others' anxieties, lists, activities instead of creating and procrastinating on my own...

off to get some stuff done!

day 108 blog 98 last day of nablopomo...xmas prep

this photo is in the running for our 2009 xmas card...only problem is it was taken january of this year so technically we need to take a current photo for this xmas...so i'm thinking of doing this photo, one of the two children together in the middle and then one photo of our family from THIS xmas as the third photo for this year's card...will take a photo of the final product...but for now i have a long list of things to do...like finish the last of 30 posts in 30 days (i started nov 2nd so even though i have posted 30 posts in 29 days i don't think i qualify for the prizes?)...i'm talking about nablopomo (national blog posting month)...i'm going to join the blogroll for next month, too...just found out today, the last day of my november blogging that there even was a blog roll and i was never on it...i need to take a course in these blogging things...i did join three groups on the site: 1) comment for a comment 2) mommy bloggers and 3) the meaning of life...from this i determined:

1) i need to seek out bloggers with similar interests/values/focus as myself...i had trouble relating with many people on the first group although i am going to give it one more shot tonight after i finish this post as i really like the concept of getting yourself out there and getting more feedback and giving feedback to others asking for it at the same time...to be honest i only browsed through a few of the 38 members so i'm hopeful i'll find more to relate with tonight

2) never even checked out the mommy bloggers...i have many friends and fellow bloggers who meet this criteria so if i'm looking for mommy bloggers to follow i'll follow comments i like on other mommies blogs...that is one thing i have learned from being a mom...there are a LOT of different styles of parenting out there and i need to seek out people more like myself to stay centered and feel understood

3) i really like the last group, dedicated to writing about meaning...i'm actually quite obsessed with the topic...i wrote my master's thesis on meaning in life, happiness (daily subjective well-being and life satisfaction for those of you studying these things in psychology) and self-concept...my theory was that people who have integrity or consistency between what they value, who they believe themselves to be and how they live their life would be happier and find their lives more meaningful...i can tell you more about my findings and how i have changed this somewhat and the balance between figuring life out and living it...but hey, isn't that what many of us who blog often struggle with all the time? so back on point, i found a couple bloggers who often write posts on meaning and was grateful for this group...lindsey, when i'm caught up i still owe you a review or post on what i appreciated reading back a ways on your blog...

in the meantime i can barely make my own to-do lists and stay on top of daily life...i'll get to writing meaningful posts perhaps during this next month's challenge on giving something to someone every day? i think that will be a good way to get outside of myself, be less absorbed, appreciate other people's perspective...

i'm going to visit the comment for a comment group and post that i'll be participating in nablopomo for the month of december...maybe i'll even catch up with my goal of blogging every day for the rest of the year (10 extra posts)...i have a lot of photos from back months...

for now i need to get working on my handmade xmas cards for the swap...today i bought xmas letter head for the personalized letter i will write each of the 10 people from around the world (may post a letter as a blog post as some of the info is interesting)...printed out photos of our family from last xmas along with our traditions (oh, more for another post), photos of us at the beach, bought san diego postcards so the families can see what the area we live in looks like...of course i also wanted to send each of them candy and stickers and whatever else for a care package but i'm already taking on too much to even get these 10 mailed tomorrow...i'll take a photo of the finished product but basically i'm going to make the cards and sea is going to color them, put stickers on and write "happy xmas" inside along with a heart and her name...i also had address labels made with characters of our family from expressionary (you still have time to order them...they send them out like the day after you order them...click on "paper people" to see the way to personalize the characters for your family)...and i've addressed the envelopes and bought xmas stamps...i still feel overwhelmed to finish and get these in the mail tomorrow so more later...

day 93 blog 82 free association to refocus

i am really all over the place tonight. i apologize in advance for the truly free association that is about to occur as i have no direction in this post...my husband flies home from the bay area first thing in the morning. he went to the memorial service of a dear friend from high school/college and i haven't done a very good job being a single mom this weekend. the house is a disaster...i used to think i was mainly keeping the house tidy for manuel who requires more order to function than i do and he would always correct me and say, "no, you are doing it for us, for our family"...i see now how true that is since i can't function either in this much chaos...i have this problem with waiting until the last minute to do important things (i mean, like REALLY bad...to the point of trying to free associate my handwritten wedding vows because it was too much pressure to write them perfectly enough)...i also sabotage things on some unconscious level that sometimes gets close to conscious and then i just feel badly about myself that i would do that so i have to be apathetic or detach or not care...so i vacillate between really caring too much and being very emotional, or being super analytical and overly obsessive or just detaching and not caring...not good emotional skills in a parent or to teach my children...would love any advice on how to integrate feelings, thoughts, values, with daily living...again, related to my thesis that took me 7 years to complete and still not enough answers...but back to procrastinating...the house is messy, i was going to do a lot of extra projects and surprise manuel and haven't even done the basics...i have so many thoughts/projects/"to do" lists running through my head i was going to jot them all down here but it is giving me too much anxiety since some of those include worries about my health, depression, skeletons and mostly a lot of clutter in my closets and everywhere for that matter...i need to focus or concentrate on the basics like eating well, getting enough sleep, going for walks to get my blood circulating and mind clear, keeping the house tidy, going through paperwork before it piles up and i lose things, taking showers to start my day and getting all of our hair (myself and 2 kids) fully brushed instead of swept up into pony tails or buns...these little details i'm adding cuz when i start falling apart mentally a lot of things most people take for granted in their daily routines start slipping and then i'm stuck trying to figure out where to start to get out of negative cycles...like it is hard to be motivated to do all that i just listed when i feel depressed but i will feel more depressed if i don't...same with my health; i know that i need to "take care of myself" through nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc. but when my body is not absorbing vitamins and minerals and my adrenal glands are stressed out and i feel stressed to the point of yelling all the time and getting irritated over the smallest things and i feel like i need a massage for all of the tension and built up negative emotions i have trapped in my shoulders and neck and i got a brief chiropractic assessment telling me i have a lot of stuff stuck or misaligned or whatever (turning all different directions to nurse two children while i'm asleep doesn't help this either i'm sure)...i'm really not sure where to begin...

so i visualized these "little things" photographs depicted here...details of my children and my life...our vacation in hawaii this past may...my husband took these shots...i take a LOT of photos but realize now it is often the smallest details that i should focus more on (hmm...is there an analogy here?)...i wasn't trying to make the connections that are now coming to me...maybe i should listen more closely...to myself? to my intuitions? my heart? God? i'm not sure...just listen and maybe be still more...

i know everything is going to work out and i just need to slow down, relax, go through the motions to make sure the basics and little things are taken care of before struggling or obsessing over bigger picture topics...or maybe just get more sleep for now...that is always my conundrum of what to do with "extra" time...use it for "me" time (usually blogging, going through photos, working on projects or letters), go to bed to try and get "enough" sleep, or work on decluttering my life and our house of backed up paperwork, piles in garages and closets and drawers, etc. that always gets literally shoved further away...i know i would feel a lot better about myself if i decluttered but i rationalize i'm too exhausted and just need to sleep...and end up blogging and staying up late...so as much as this free association has been somewhat helpful getting these things down and off my chest, i cannot obsess over it...analyze, keep free associating, etc....i'm going to just go through a little paperwork so i feel like i accomplished something...but probably end up adding things i find to my mental "to do" list and worrying i'm not writing them down...and then when i do find my journal to write them down worrying i am obsessing over making lists instead of doing the things on the list...i really am having trouble with balance and priorities tonight!

day 75 blog 62 more to do

so we leave U2 and the cool photo with bono and i can see why back in the day when i didn't have blogging goals i would just leave the last post i liked for a long time...way too long...like, i somehow thought if i left it there more people would find it and keep coming back for more...only the irony is when they came back that same post was all they got and i'm sure i lost readers this way. not that i keep track. i still don't know how to do that...kinda like i don't want to know my IQ...would rather just THINK i'm brilliant than know either way...anyway, i really am mostly blogging for myself and my family and friends to keep up with my current life and to someday look back at and read a photojournalistic version of our life together...but now that i'm "following" several bloggers, i'm starting to get a little more in to the blogging community. this brings with it a lot of interesting posts to read as well as a sense of responsibility to not only keep up with (and record) my own life but several others as well...i'm not complaining, i choose this and enjoy little snippets of others' lives...just sometimes i have trouble striking the balance (an ongoing theme with me you may notice) between LIVING life, writing about it, keeping connected to others, giving back to others, putting my priorities in the right places and not only knowing what i value but living consistently with that knowledge (oh no, back to my thesis...sorry, i can't go down this tangent anymore...)...this also goes back to manuel's "pie" theory which someday i'll try to better articulate...basically he once told me that he thinks everyone's life is conceptually like a pie...the more you put in it, the less each piece gets of you...so i try to choose my slices carefully and give them the attention they deserve...

this post was supposed to be a free association about all the balls i have in the air and how i'm visiting my mom and sister so i don't have photos like i usually like to (remember, i have like 56000 photos on my mac so i have a LOT to choose from for any given post)...but those topics seem so mundane and really i want to write about something more meaningful. but it is late and i stayed up reading friends' blogs and one of them was about taking care of yourself and getting more rest so i'm also feeling guilty that i'm choosing "catching up on my blog" over my health which will affect other areas sooner rather than later...but i drank too much chai driving here and i'm wide awake...story crying...more later...

day 56 blog 46 diversions

seriously i need to just blog about the whole month of september...oh but now we are in october...so i need to go for about 2 blogs a day to catch up...i have some cute photos from our road trip and hosted coop preschool today...calendar theme...not too many photos but funny lessons...sea started drawing arms and legs on her happy faces...even earrings today...yesterday she started writing out letters to spell words (we haven't been going over this at all except that her initials are "s" "e" "a". so she is interested in spelling people's initials...story started roaring like a dragon out of a storybook we read on the road trip...he says so many new sounds i forget where they all came from or when they began...this is the age for word explosion so i'll try to keep up daily on that...hmm...this is a true free association post...

yesterday i intended to go to coronado library's storytime followed by playing at the park...forced myself to go on a walk even though i was running late...dropped off something for one neighbor who was going with her daughter to the zoo so then sea wanted to hurry so we could go to the zoo, too...she was listing all the animals she wanted to see and we were intending to try and make it there instead...when i ran into another neighbor...sea wanted to see their play equipment and play house which lead to an impromptu couple hours of swinging, hanging from rings, climbing, playing in their playhouse, building with blocks, talking on the phone, riding toys...drinking smoothies...i forget all we did but it was nice to connect and make a new friend...milan was just over 2 so in between story and sea in age...then daddy called that he got off work early so we got to have lunch with him and run errands together which meant our evening started earlier...earlier dinner, bath, stories and bedtime! but blogging didn't get to happen cuz we spent a long time trying to migrate data from our old computer to our new one (hopefully i'll have regular internet soon)...on the phone with applecare most of this morning...no time to prepare to host preschool...so many things to blog about later...just didn't want to get more than 24 hours behind without making a short list of what i hope to later cover...

day 35 blog 34 second chances

thought i'd put one of my favorite photos of all times here to motivate me. i could use some second chances in my life. in many areas. that i'm not going to list, write about, analyze, try to understand, and generally stall from getting things done. so i know i am now technically one day behind on blogging everyday but if i get enough done today i will allow myself to blog again tonight (maybe about the first day of sea's 2nd year of co-op preschool yesterday)...but no more procrastination for now...

day 33 blog 33 in my dreams

there are a lot of photos i could have chosen to depict me "dreaming" or reading to sea and/or story in this rocking chair...but this one seemed to capture the half awake/half asleep reflective state i was just in...i could literally hear the white noise, hum of traffic through my sliding room door, wind chime dinging, sea chatting to herself "reading a book" in the other room, itunes on random blaring in the front room...and still managed to half fall asleep to the rhythmic sucking of story putting himself to sleep on top of me.

in those moments of peace...which are very rare and usually interrupted before i'm ready...i was able to have a short dream about my dad. i think about him all the time and get very depressed over the loss of him, but in these moments i'm about to describe i was just present with him...literally inside him kind of...like symbolically i was sitting on his lap as a small child while he read to me (as i had just done with sea before putting story to sleep) but i felt like i was inside of him looking out at life as a parent (?) not sure how to explain this...like i was re-living what he must have experienced parenting me...enjoying time sharing his passion for reading and me soaking it up as sea had with me...in this particular moment he was showing me his journal and i was looking closely at his writing so as not to miss anything...actually, i was looking for his entry...he was talking about how he had left it for someone and the details don't really matter...i felt in the dream like he had created his own time capsule (i had just read a fellow blogger, kristin's blog about a time capsule her mom made of their family memories and wanted to do this myself)...and i wanted to be sure i didn't miss anything and knew where to find it later...another reason why i was dreaming about this is that i'm about to start up the co-op preschool and i want to have an art journal (idea, again, from my neighbor julie's blog who has an online art journal class) for each of the children...basically keep track in writing and art work what we are doing in class each week, milestones, what the children like, what they think about, etc....i'm looking forward to blogging more on this topic in the future as i have a lot of great ideas...

well it is always painful when i think about my dad and i'm already checking out of this topic so to speak. i knew i needed to write about it right away to hold any memory of it. it was a wonderful moment "with" him in a past connected sort of way and i felt incredibly peaceful while it was happening...especially since i realized i wasn't quite dreaming nor was i completely awake...i could just be in that moment and experience peace, so that was nice...

but now i'm off to "to do" lists that are too long and basic parenting i've been neglecting that i must cram in to the now very small window that story is still asleep...