...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...


Sunday, February 24, 2008

sunshine on my belly

dear friends, family and online diary...sorry for all the belly shots but i've been nostalgic about this possibly being the last time that i'm pregnant...this photo was taken almost a week ago so the baby is both bigger and lower now...latest stats are 80% effaced, 3 cm dilated, cervix very soft and head VERY low...at my last dr.'s appt (2/22) his first comment was a disclaimer about his wrong prediction of the baby arriving on my birthday (2/15)...i remember commenting at the time that was a sure way for the baby to be overdue...he gives me up to a week but wouldn't make any predictions. i thought as soon as i put my mom on a plane and my sister couldn't come...and i was told that labor and delivery was completely booked with no beds...i would go right in to labor...

but here we are 2/24 and my mom will be back in town in just a few hours...it has been raining on and off all weekend but sunny as can be right now...

which leads in to the topic of my post "sunshine on my belly"...many of you know how much i love the sun. and for some odd reason i've really wanted a sunny day to deliver this baby like it will symbolically reflect my radiant love or protect me from the "blues" of depression or something idealistic like that...

i'm actually in a pretty good place psychologically right now. i feel ready to have this baby and have worked out many of my unresolved anxiety issues...i had a good cry about my dad not being here (i'll save this for another post) and now the weather forecast is for sunshine all week ...

well my sister is in town so we are off to whole foods for a yerba matte latte...more later...

Saturday, February 16, 2008

last moments with baby inside


my talented friend karen took this photo of me today...i was trying to see if i could tell if the baby had dropped in the week since i took the last photo in the previous post...

mainly i was struck by how sad i am to almost have the baby out...i know that will be a new journey and i will love the baby and grow to love him or her more as time passes but there is something about the bond of having the baby inside where i can literally hold him or her whenever i want and feel his or her movements in response...

i know with a post title like "last moments" i will most likely be overdue with this baby so i may have a little more time...my mom gets on a plane friday for her 50th high school reunion in portland so i figured with murphey's law that will be when the little one makes his/her appearance...

it is interesting how different family members have responded to when this baby may arrive...of course short of an induction i can't actually make any predictions but so far i've been grateful that despite some pressures that a weekend or a particular day would be better than another, everyone seems to be on board with me "letting nature take its course" whatever and whenever that means...

i have vowed to stop talking about all my "labor signs" and not to make predictions or even update anyone until i am in "active labor"...of course i'm not sure what that means or what criteria i will use to stay home as long as possible. i was going to use my pain level but i'm not sure how quickly the baby may come...i still want to err on being home too long instead of stuck at a hospital where they want to move things along...

well, i have little to say...i'm packed, i've had some birthing from within sessions, i feel psychologically ready, have had a lot of great supportive conversations with friends, and at this point i feel like instead of preparing for the baby to come i could be working on the many unfinished projects i'd hoped to complete before the baby came...unfortunately i think i am past the "nesting" phase so i guess i'll concentrate on resting instead...

38 weeks and waiting


this photo was actually taken on manuel's birthday (february 12) and i'm actually 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today if you are in to specificity...but i wanted to post many of these details mainly for myself to remember this journey but i figure there are other mommies who are interested...for those of you who don't know what i mean by "effaced" for example and don't want to know, well this post may have way too much information so skip to the non-mommy version of later posts and learn about the arrival of peanut #2...

on february 13 around 3 i had loose stools for no reason...then back cramps...reasons to believe this could be leading to labor signs...i had more consistent contractions and they were rolling around in waves so by that night i called my cousin kate and told her i thought i might have the baby on her bday...valentines day...well that day came and went with much of the same but nothing new to report and of course not consistent or very painful contractions...

then yesterday (my birthday) i woke up feeling like the baby could come on this date but probably not...i had no intuition either way...just figured if i was going to commit to a date, that would have been it at some point...so i went in to my 11:40 dr's appt planning to accept whatever he had to tell me (including the fear my blood pressure is still too high and we would need to induce since this is the point where sea was forced out)...

i should throw in one disclaimer here...i had intended to mention to him "since you know i want to have as natural of a birth as possible, this probably isn't an issue and i figure we would have a conversation about this anyway, but i do NOT want my membranes swept or anything during the internal exam that might speed labor along..." but of course as i was working my mind around formulating this idea and the actual words to say without offending him or feeling paranoid, he was already engaged in the actual internal exam and telling me "i think you are having the baby tonight...the baby's head is super low, you have a very thin and soft cervix, 80% effaced, 2 cm dilated..." and i was thinking he was taking too long in there and might be helping this along (but it wasn't painful and i so didn't want to believe that was true so i decided to relax and just be grateful my blood pressure was normal and i might get to deliver on my own).

so then i was in his office and everything was moving way too fast and very surreal and he was saying "i know you'd like to have your baby on your birthday and i'm on call tonight until 8 a.m. tomorrow so if you are having a lot of cramping and contractions later this evening, come by, we will check you and with breaking your waters and a little pitocin i think we will have a quick and healthy baby..." and all i really heard of this was INDUCTION...and i had flashbacks to sea's birth and having so much of my control taken away and my ideals for a natural birth going out the window...so i just said something to wrap up the appointment and turned and walked out. actually i just felt shocked that he would even say this and maybe my face said that because he did modify this with "this wouldn't be like being induced...very little assistance to help things along" but again all i heard was that he was NOT hearing me and as understood and relaxed as i've felt in appointments, i apparently have not communicated my desires to him sufficiently or have been too trusting he was on board with them (he's a surfer...older...has lots of grandkids and has been so upbeat and optimistic about my whole pregnancy without saying anything too medical or doctor-like when i've told him my position on anything)...

so i called manuel in a semi-panic...i figured i could "solve" this problem temporarily by not going in if i wasn't completely in active labor on my own and then cross the non-induction hurdles after that...but manuel was my voice of reason who insisted i had to go back in there and tell my doctor my position...and of course i knew he was right and i wasn't sure why i was being so passive and letting my fate play out instead of embracing the birth i've been hoping for...

first i spoke with some nurses to see if any of them also worked at labor and delivery and if they knew how many people wanted natural births and if there were any medical people (midwives, nurses, whoever) who supported or encouraged this...unfortunately all three of the people i spoke with looked at me like i was crazy that i A) didn't want this baby out as soon as possible B) didn't want an epidural C) didn't trust my doctor to just do what he suggested and i'm sure there were many other judgments in those looks but those were the main that flashed to mind and again i felt so misunderstood and decided to wait and talk to my doctor directly.

at this point sea was with me...excited to "see mommy's doctor" and "go WITH mommy inside" so i was a little distracted chasing her around, keeping her out of rooms, trying to show her how much she weighed over and over, etc. while waiting for my doctor to come out...

once he did, i felt myself flush with embarrassment that i hadn't spoken up before, and also not wanting to offend him...but i too quickly said something like "i know you are on call tonight and i would love to have you deliver my baby...it would also be cool to have the baby on my birthday but i was induced with sea and it is really important to me this time to go in to labor as naturally as possible so i don't want to have my water broken or any pitocin even if that means i miss out on having you deliver the baby..." and he was already putting his hand on my shoulder and saying "of course...i remember you want a natural birth and we have a lot of great staff that can deliver the baby if i'm not there so just come by only if you are in active labor..." or something that i thought he probably thought all along and the way things would have worked out but i still couldn't figure out why he had mentioned any induction methods unless i had seemed too excited about it being both my birthday and that he was on call so he was trying to please me?

ok i'm spending too long on these things and they are pretty much a moot point now...i called as few people as possible to tell them "i might be having the baby tonight" because i've been saying that nearly every day based on my own predictions and decided i just wanted to wait for ACTIVE labor...i called my in-laws, missy and matt (m's siblings) to say "maybe" but don't jump in any cars yet...oh, but if you do decide to drive i would love to have you pick up a glider i saw on the sacramento craigslist...(mixed messages i know)...then of course they were all three calling all night for updates and other than a fair amount of cramping/contractions shortly after the appointment (where i was convinced he had for sure helped things a long and kept kicking myself) i had nothing regular...

so to recap the 15th after my doctor's appointment...i was emotionally terrified and not feeling relaxed and ready to have this baby...feeling weak for not communicating my desires up front right away...and overly concerned about the cramping i was feeling...so we got some last minute shopping done at costco and then off to a hippy baby gift store in south park: i bought sea a handmade organic doll with red pig tails for the baby to give her when they meet, an organic blanket that is super soft and also green, and a couple of onesies i've been eyeing...purple and white striped kimono style organic cotton and another organic cotton green shirt that may not be that practical by itself...but at that point i was just grabbing things i really "needed" or was afraid i wouldn't have more time to think about or buy before the baby arrives.

then i went home and insisted my mom and manuel watch sea or do whatever they needed to do but i was going to get in any last minute sleep until say 6 or so (when i had promised updates to the relatives)...so i was still having a lot of contractions and definitely didn't get restful sleep but was glad for any sleep at that point...

manuel was out on a walk with sea when i woke up and i was jealous he was walking by the bay (where my father passed away) but also didn't want to be walking anyway or doing anything to speed this labor along so i told him to hurry home and lay down with me for another hour and then we could pack up the car and go to dinner and drop my mom and sea off on our way to the hospital if that was what was going to happen. so manuel, sea and i slept together "for the last time just the 3 of us" i told myself in very dramatic fashion...and then when i woke up i felt fine...very few contractions and way more "normal" than i expected...i think the psychological side of this whole thing had worked me up more than actual symptoms...

we ate at fresh choice partly because manuel's mom said she wouldn't eat at all (with one of her children she had a c-section and had complications because she had eaten) and this would be a "light but healthy" meal...although in my head i am thinking positive expectations and although a c-section is always possible, i am not PLANNING for it, nor do i think eating would be a big deal at this point...like another mom said on some board, if i was in a car accident, would they wait until my food digested to do emergency surgery? anyway, that is just another example of feeling misunderstood but she was trying to be helpful and it may just be a generational thing so i have mostly let it go...

unfortunately sea's nap was from 6 until 8ish p.m. which meant she was going to be up for a very long time...this was going to be alright with me when i thought the baby would be arriving around 3 a.m. but now that all labor signs had slowed down i was worried....gratefully after driving around for 30+ minutes didn't get her to sleep (she kept singing the old school omd tracks playing in the car) my mom started reading her several books (quietly, without the usual animated voices! i told her) and allowed manuel and i both after hot baths to lay down for another hour from 11 to 12.

sea still fought sleeping until almost 1 but i got some GREAT sleep complete with deep dreams until 4 when i woke up to use the restroom and drink more water (obsessed with keeping hydrated for too many reasons i won't go in to here)...and then the obsession to write this all down before i forget and before i actually am in labor and don't get around to it...

so i've spent the last hour on this post and in the four remaining minutes of this hour before returning to what i hope is more great sleep and no more labor signs, i just wanted to bring up dr. seuss' book "oh the places you'll go" that i love and give as gifts to kids but more importantly for this post there is a section in there that i quoted in my thesis about people waiting:
"Even Dr. Seuss (1990), in his children’s book Oh, The Places You’ll Go, described how often people will avoid making choices and wait for their life to happen to them: “Waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil, or a Better Break, or string of pearls or a pair of pants, or a wig of curls or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting” (pp. 24–25). He encourages the young reader of this simple tale to move past this place of waiting, and choose to take responsibility for creating personal meaning through action and goals."

i am again embarrassed to read my writing but one more quick disclaimer is in order to finish this thesis that took me 7 years just because i was obsessed with the topics, i had to say "better done than perfect"...anyway, i know that i am actually waiting for the baby and so are a lot of other people but i wanted to be actively waiting...like i am responsible for what i do in these moments until the baby arrives and i don't have to just wait for my fate to happen to me.

i'm going to go get some sleep and will update with more when i can...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

birth day and blooming orchids


so i've been asking all my friends and family to predict when the little peanut will arrive despite being unable to come up with a prediction myself...i did tell my husband i thought i would go in to labor about the time that the orchid in the hallway bloomed...it has like 15 green blossoms that have been waiting to open or slowly considering open for a couple of weeks now...

my husband's birthday just ended (the 12th)...i thought it would be kind of cool to have a little boy on his birthday...or even a girl i suppose...but another part of me wanted this child to have his or her own day...then my husband had made a comment he hoped we could avoid the 13th so of course as i got up to drink some more water in the middle of the night on the 13th the largest green bloom had opened completely in the dark! so now my question to myself and possibly any intuition i may really have had on this one is whether i meant ONE bloom or the entire 15!

i've had more contractions but nothing regular...i just feel "ready" which is how i've heard other moms describe their state of mind shortly before going in to labor...kind of surprising after all my posts on anxiety and fear of letting go of control, but comforting nonetheless...

so if i make it until thursday the baby would be born on heart day which i suppose has some advantages but i still like having his or her "own" day better...

i've thought for some time the baby could easily come on my birthday...the 15th...that would work out well for relatives traveling because they would come after work and stay for the weekend but as fun as it would be to share my birthday, i'd like the baby to have his/her own...

the 18th stands out in my mind because my father was born on dec 18 and i'm not sure this baby will make it to the due date of 28 which was the day i lost my dad in may...plus i like this is the last day of aquarius so maybe the baby will get some piscean emotion/intuition in combo with aquariun traits i'm already familiar with...and sea is on the cusp of cancer/leo and i liked that...and i like that it is 3 days after my birthday and 3 days before skye's (her cousin)...

other days that don't have to be shared with others include: 16, 17, 20, 23 (sea's "day"), 24, 26, 27, 28, and of course my favorite, the 29th or leap year...i really don't think the baby will make it that far...

well it is late and i'm getting obsessive and actually quite silly in all this analysis. i will just be ready to hug and snuggle and love this baby so much whenever he or she arrives...

if anyone wants to weigh in on predictions, reply to this post! we don't know if the baby will be a boy or girl if you want to throw out a guess on that one, too...

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

letting go

i've had these two words running through my head for days now...trying to wrap my mind around the idea and figure out what this means. or at least what it means for me right now. i've always had an obsessive personality or over-analyze things at the expense of living (see previous posts on this topic)...there are many things i need to let go of so my disclaimer to this particular blog is i hope to focus on what is most important to let go of right now...so i can have an uncluttered mind and open spirit to bring sea's little sibling and our little baby in to the world...

the baby isn't due until feb 28 but i keep telling everyone that he or she is coming early...i'm having so many contractions as we speak...yet every day i feel like i'm holding back something or trying to have the baby wait for me to be just a little more ready...there is always more i can do, more ways to relax, prepare for the birth, prepare sea for a sibling, prepare the environment, etc. i think my husband is overwhelmed about all the back log of things never completed...i tend to accumulate projects and ideas in our garage and then they pile up and i never get to them...30,000 something photos in iphoto waiting to make their way into albums for example...but i'm getting off topic...so while he worries about our past, i worry about the immediate present and future and somewhere in there we are both forgetting to just LIVE and appreciate these last days alone with sea and as a family of three...

so i will trust my body and mind and ability to be in the moment when the moment arrives...i will deal with whatever birth is presented to me happy to welcome the healthy baby at the end of that journey and not obsessing over all i hope it will be...

and of course i need to not self-sabotage which means i need to actually PACK the things i've made list after list to take to the hospital, and bring out baby clothes and organize space for the baby, etc...instead of waiting for the onset of labor to motivate me...

hmmm...when i first typed "letting go" i had so many free associations and now i'm so tired i'm forgetting them...tonight i was going through a box of old letters, journal entries, notes sent/received with friends in junior high and high school...i had intended to throw a lot of them out as they are mostly negative "poor me" depressive, lonely, misunderstood high school stuff but as i read through them i realize i have held on to these because they are part of who i am today and some day my children may come and ask me about my insecurities and struggles during these years and i will have many samples to show them! they really are quite humorous to read now although so tragic to me in the moment i was writing them...it is nice to have the perspective of age and more experiences...something you can't explain to someone who doesn't have these things...

so i just organized them all in to chronological order (sometimes it does pay off to be so obsessive that i date everything...) and now i have to figure out if i will just keep them in files or try to make a little scrapbook of samples from different time periods...this is stressing me out just thinking of yet another project i won't get to so i'm going to go with just files...as least it isn't a giant box of mixed up paper like it was earlier...

other things to let go of...regrets...the boys i never asked out or never gave a chance (reading through above mentioned papers)...i want to let go of allowing myself to be so insecure, depressed, hopeless and alone for so many years...thinking these feelings somehow define me today...i remind myself here that the reason i am holding on to all these papers is to remind myself and possibly my children someday how i could go from that to the happiness and fulfillment i have now and not because i am fundamentally those things still...does that make sense?

i also want to let go of my anger, disappointment, frustration, etc. with friends and family during this time. yes, we all could have done things differently but we did the best with what we had where we were at and because i felt so misunderstood doesn't mean i was or that they didn't love me.

i want to let go of any unresolved issues with my dad. we had a great relationship and i always felt very close to him even if he didn't open up to me in the vulnerable emotional way i always hoped for...i can never get that nor can i ever have a conversation with him about it so i might as well focus on what we did have and appreciate that.

i want to let go of the depression that is back there somewhere...in my history...lurking possibly in my future...and not allow myself the luxury of falling back on it...like it is part of me or controls me or explains me...i can embrace the happiness and supportive friends and family that make up my life and expect this in the future. when i feel overwhelmed or like i'm "falling" back in to depression, i do not have to give in. i do not have to hide these feelings and feel alone suffering while trying to maintain a happy exterior. i can talk about my fears and even the hopelessness that i feel and DEAL with it before it overtakes me.

i'm tired but i don't want to end on that note...i really am a positive, idealistic, optimistic person on so many levels so my depressive side is hard to balance sometimes...i'm writing this post about letting go so i can make room for more positive energy, thoughts, feelings and welcome this new baby with open arms, an open spirit and an open heart.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

independence vs dependence

i almost wrote my masters thesis on this topic so i could write an entire article on my analysis, observations, experience, etc...so be forewarned there will be a lot of free association with this topic...

i chose this topic this morning because sea was up at 5 hungry...asking for all sorts of different foods and finally after nursing was not enough for her to go back to sleep i gave in and made her some food...usually (based on my experience with this hunger/growth spurt in the middle of the night) she will go back to sleep after she has eaten but today she was "up" and ready to play...so i told manuel once he got up we were going to trade off and i was going back to bed...anyway, i wasn't sure what to do with myself so early in the morning since i am NOT a morning person and very foggy...as i type this i realize i want some tea...something hot when it is cold out and a little caffeine to perk me up...i'm going to try my new chocolate yerba matte (green tea yerba matte lattes are my all time favorite hot drink)...so i'll be right back...

the water is boiling...anyway, so once i was trying to figure out what to do with myself, i noticed that sea had already taken matters in to her own hands and was busy stacking blocks, having her farm animals gather around the hay and then go into their stalls, then reading a book (opening and closing a pop up door) and pulling more blocks around on a little car...all this creativity and exploration in just a couple of minutes and without prompting or caring if i was involved or not...i felt so happy that she could be so content by herself...independent...and thought back to how i struggled when she was so dependent and needed me to play with her...at the same moment i was contrasting these two, i realized a third idea which is that i have always been so independent and worried about people depending on me or not allowing myself to depend on others and really i don't want that to be an issue for sea either...i'd like her to feel comfortable with both and especially with a new baby coming any day i would also love to embrace the dependence...appreciate that i am needed...realize there are many of older years ahead when both children will not "need" me or want me involved and i will miss the chances of dependence...

well sea is now using her exploration skills to find herself a snack in a cupboard i thought i had secured from her...i guess this growth spurt is reaching new heights when she is ready for her second meal by 7 something...

i have a lot more to share on the topic of independence vs dependence so check back...(this may be MUCH later...no promises...)