i *heart* tanya

my really good friend tanya awarded me "the fabulous blog ribbon award" which was so sweet of her but really i am undeserving and unable to accept the award...so though i am gracefully declining it (mostly because i haven't been a "good" blogger and kept up with/commented on other's blogs so i can't meet the criteria of awarding this award to 5 other bloggers)...i WILL write a quick post about how much i adore tanya, include my own 5 fabulous moments and 5+ things i love and hate (and visit the 5 bloggers she awarded the award to) with a few photos sprinkled in between :)

i have better photos of tanya but i chose this one because it was taken at my 40th birthday party and i was so blessed to have her there...she came with homemade cake from her Chamorro heritage and this peace sign is also emblematic of her easy going and fun loving nature. tanya is one of those friends who just always come through...as a best friend, as a mom, at home, in school, volunteering, helping friends and strangers alike. she is amazing. her help with various projects in school and more importantly in my personal life have been invaluable.

our eldest children, sea, and her son elijah were in the same kindergarten class and though they were in different 1st grade classrooms, they maintained a close friendship this past year. in fact, they have plans to marry one another (after they turn 30)...here is a little essay sea wrote about elijah in school:

i'm not sure if you can read this essay but i add it because some of the qualities my daughter appreciates in tanya's son could also be said of her: "he is a good book maker...good other (author)...alwas helps me with stof...he has a kind heart...he is respectful because he alwas helps me...my buddy has a buotifal smile". tanya is an accomplished author who has published her works in various places (visit her website linked above for more details). she has honored me by allowing me to read unpublished works in the making and given me a signed copy of another. we both love to write and read and she inspires me to someday try and get some of my writing published! if not i appreciate that she reads my blog and we can share this passion together.


she is very generous in both physical gifts (random homemade food, extra snacks from the islands, handwritten birthday card and gifts) and even more importantly to me, the gift of her time, friendship and support. she is a wonderful listener and can offer advice or just be there in silence when needed. she is tender and sensitive, yet strong and independent at the same time. i appreciate all of these qualities and she is intuitive to boot, so she knows what is needed at any given moment. she has adopted my family as her own and i feel like we are related! or sisters at least. there are a lot of stories that go along to support that idea but i think the concept of sisters and depth of that support should suffice for now.


i'm having a "yearbook" moment writing this blog post...what i mean is i don't think i ever wrote in any of my best friends' yearbooks because there was just too much i wanted to say and i didn't think i would do a good enough job so instead i wrote nothing :( appropriately timed since we both just celebrated our 20th reunion from high school within the past couple years...anyway, i'm glad i have gotten secure enough to be able to write something instead of becoming handicapped with fear i didn't write enough or left out something important...i can always write more posts about tanya, right?


so maybe i will edit this post in the next few days and add more but for now, here were the rules for the award tanya attempted to award me:


"In order to receive this award you have to follow a few rules:

1. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
2. NAME 5 OF YOUR MOST FABULOUS MOMENTS EITHER IN REAL LIFE OR IN THE BLOGOSPHERE
3. NAME 5 THINGS YOU LOVE
4. NAME 5 THINGS YOU HATE
5. PASS THE RIBBON ON TO 5 OTHER BLOGGERS"

here are 5 of my most fabulous moments along with photos:

1. realizing i was in love with my best friend:

2. our wedding day (no photos scanned so here is one from our honeymoon in the cook islands):

3. birth of sea:

4. birth of story:

5. turning 40 and being ok with who i am (i've had a lifetime of feeling misunderstood and trying to figure out who i was):

5 things i love:

1. my husband, daughter and son

2. writing

3. taking photos

4. the beach

5. music

6. traveling

7. food/eating/cooking/health

(i have trouble following instructions and/or committing to just 5)

5 thing i hate:

1. lack of integrity

2. stupidity

3. not going through my garage (accumulated stuff physical and psychological)

4. not knowing where i stand with people

5. feeling misunderstood

i was just re-reading tanya's answers to these questions and i could have written many of these same things (see the award link above to read it yourself)...i so appreciate that she understands me, i know where i stand with her, she has integrity and she is quite bright both in knowledge and the intuitive abilities necessary for a variety of social situations :)

thank you tanya for (trying to) award me this award and for giving me the opportunity to write some of the things i appreciate about you and about my life. i am so sad that you are moving to washington this fall but i have met a couple people from everett recently who are hopeful you will want to move back :) if not, you are definitely one of those friends i will travel to see and will keep in touch with wherever our paths take us. thank you for being you and thank you for your friendship.

network down

i lost (or rather broke myself) our internet connection tonight. negligence, rushing...whatever the exact reason it was sort of a metaphor for losing connection in other areas of myself as well. i'm making a pot of beans to cook overnight and going to bed...

free association on recording my childhood

i have taken on the ambitious endeavor of recording my childhood through mommyspiggytales.com...check out this link if you want to join in the next 24 hours or so! my leader is gretchen who has gone through this process before. here is a post about recording her mom's childhood this time around (her mom died suddenly last year). my dad died 4 years ago and it still seems so new...unfathomable...i would totally love to do the same thing for him next year.

this first photo is taken with my mom in our neighbor's pool when i was just a toddler (she can't swim and hates the water so it is really quite surprising)...i'll be relying on her for my first post in the series; (TOMORROW!) my birth story...i'm sure we'll both have a lot to learn about each other through this process...i'm going to check with gretchen on how to go about weaving a theme through my posts...i think there are definitely many i could brainstorm about...but first, as we blast to the past together (look behind) i thought a photo of me from behind would be appropriate...
the ideas i've been tossing around in my head that all are sort of inter-connected are:
--searching for me
--feeling misunderstood
--explaining myself
--finding me and moving my focus to others (my family)
--self-absorption
--being a child again through remembering
--allowing myself to play and be a child with my own children in the present
--mindful parenting/unconditional parenting...resolving this lack in my childhood and repairing it with my own children

before children i spent 7 years working on my master's thesis...the main themes i was exploring was the importance of integrity in self-concept, meaning in life and happiness...so i think if i was to summarize my goal for this recording of my childhood it would be something like:
"the quest for me: finding the balance between who i am, happiness, meaning and living outside of myself" although just reading that i am confused and i'm supposed to be the one presenting these ideas...that is why this is my brainstorm post, right?

did i mention that i always wanted to be a writer as a child/teen/adult but never felt i could be because i got too depressed or self-absorbed or sabotaged my efforts...too caught up in deadlines and lack of motivation and having too much to say and not wanting to cut anything out and rambling and believing my perspective was more important than the story i was telling?...i still have a lot of these same issues but i'm hoping to move outside of myself, look at this through my daughter and son's eyes as they hope to learn about their mommy...so i have a lot more to say...a lot more disclaimers and "forgive me for ___" which i then do anyway...i'm still self-absorbed but look forward to reading everyone else's stories and presenting my own with the emphasis on my children...here i am about to go off the high dive into the DEEP end...metaphorically speaking i'm ready for the plunge...thanks for joining me!

flying through the haze

matthew has always been so active and such a fun uncle...i've been in a daze since learning he broke his neck. the doctors are "cautiously optimistic" after the surgery and the signs are in place that he is recovering as they had hoped yet there are so many unknowns...so many things out of control...so many things that could change...loss of options and recovery times...neurological, memory, cognitive...i can't think about it. i don't have much energy for this post, either but felt i needed to "update" on his condition...sea starts kindergarten a week from today and she is so ready and not ready at all which is how i feel, too...i was lamenting so much and had so much anxiety and was reminiscing how much i would miss about our exclusive alone time and now with what could have been the demise of manuel's brother it just puts many things in perspective while throwing a whole bunch of other things out of perspective. so confusing to write about and even more confusing to try and make sense of since i'm not writing very clearly...i look forward to savoring time with my little bunnies...recently sea and story, despite fighting, have been cuddling and taking care of one another in extra little ways, perhaps realizing all these things hanging in the balance...i'm off to bed to squeeze them up extra tightly...

time passing by

i'm listening to "time after time"...a song suggested to me just after i started writing this blog post...i apologize that is has been over 2 weeks :( sure way to lose readers and lose touch and lose focus and get stuck in a funk where i have NO motivation to come out and start blogging again...but time does move on and will pass me by whether i jump on and live along or mope in the background...

i do look forward to catching up with you. and sharing my life. and living it again. i've been in a funk coupled with crazy 20 year high school reunion planning (i'm looking for a good 80's song to sing harmony at the reunion...my soprano duet partner suggested time after time by cyndi lauper which i sang very flat back in junior high with my best friend? maybe this is my chance to redeem myself...or maybe this is just a song that i will always sing a little flat and i should look for something else...would love your input)...

i miss hayno dearly. my children don't understand why she is gone from their lives. i don't have really good reasons, either. another friend is in a coma (she was like a second mom to me throughout college...i would drop by and chat, eat, do laundry...her sons were in my class...she still has an open home and i've stayed there several times visiting the area since college). she had brain surgery over a year ago and has like 48 hours left to live. so i'm re-living the feelings i had losing my dad (empathizing with her boys) although it is a little different since they've had time to prepare...not sure if i can say which is worse...both so sad...

and i haven't had the energy to think too much about these things or process my feelings or lack of resolution. on top of all this i've gotten hardly any sleep (sea is going through a growth spurt waking up at 3 a.m.ish wanting a sandwich and story is going through some change--talking a lot more--where he just doesn't want to sleep...naps or at night)...i really didn't want this to be a "woe me" post as i can take responsibility for not blogging and/or just move past the fact that it has been so long and get back into regular posts and get over it already...

i was thinking about some story i heard that went something like "when i was a teen i was dying to drive. when i was 18 i was dying to get married. when i was in my 20's i was dying to have children. when i was in my 30's i was dying to have a better career....etc. and now i am dying and wondering why i forgot to live"...now i'm listening to annie lennox's "why"...such a sad song...reminds me of lonely days right after college and right before i got together with my husband...but just the idea of "why" and how sometimes we just don't understand the whys but we still keep living...

i really do want to focus on my children. be less self-absorbed. realize how fast they are growing up and that sea will start kindergarten in the fall and i want to BE here experiencing life with them in these moments i have before they are as busy as me and off on their own agendas...reminds me of the song "cats in the cradle" by harry chapin carpenter...how the dad never had time for his son and then when the son grew up "i wanna be like you dad" he was the same way...listen to it if you aren't familiar...

on that note, i'm off to cuddle with my children and appreciate life and maybe check into this blog now and then...if not, hopefully i'm embracing them literally and figuratively...thanks for your support and i look forward to connecting in a few weeks...

"dear hayno, we will miss..."

(top photo taken after telling you we were engaged...bottom photo taken this past christmas at our house...the blurriness somehow seems appropriate as i have so many memories blurred into these two representative photos)

• running back and forth between you and your frozen cream puffs...elated with the idea you really want to share ONE more bite...and when you don't, happily eating your share, too
• watching the wooden clock in your dining room and counting each chime aloud while you smile and turn the big hand to just one more number and do it all again
• running back and forth in the long strip of your back yard...collecting treasures like poppies and "dates" from the palm trees, walking too quickly along your little wall...sometimes splashing in a little pool or dripping popsicles all over your tiles, chairs, table and you
• dumping every single block (plastic, wooden, legoed and otherwise) out of the plastic wagon and into the middle of your living room floor and then just looking for more to undo instead of playing with those
• pulling one another around in this wagon and bumping into everything, dumping one another out, trading places and then running over your toes
  
• throwing baby dolls down so you can remind us how to care for them and how that makes them sad...hearing stories of your own baby dolls you played with as a child...
  
• sharing old photos of you as a little girl with your sisters; looking at your changing hair styles and even sharing and comparing real locks of hair
• hearing stories of you making mud pies with your sisters...very specific details on your favorite aspects of how to do this and imagining do this along with you
• realizing the deep love you shared with charlie and hearing stories of all your adventures...when you were first dating, newly married all the way through living with you here on c___ street and the big stuffed bear he left for you when he left on a trip
• the quiet, patient way you listened to so much about "us" and we rarely got around to hearing as much about you
• the autobiography you started to write for us through so many stories of you life that you shared that we never did quite get written down
• the fun game of ringing your doorbell, knocking on your door, peeking through your window and then waiting with flowers we picked out of your yard, mail, newspapers, whatever just to see the joy on your face as your looked through the crack of the opened door to receive us...
• anticipating and planning our visits to mimi around seeing you...when we could maximize our time, spend the most time, not be too cranky or tired yet feeling guilty we never quite got to see you enough
• watching sea and story both anxiously point to your house when we drove by if we were in town but hadn't yet visited
• random news, stories, tips on life that you read or heard about and shared with us to enrich our lives as they had touched yours
  
• your generosity ever since i was too little to appreciate it...i remember one lesson you taught me as a little girl when i said you didn't need to get me two dresses and you told me they weren't to make me happy but because it made you happy to give them to me
• your advice through the years on what made your life fulfilling...letting go of the small stuff and appreciating dear people who love you and love me
• your support and love of manuel when others in my life didn't approve or understand all that i love about him
• your patience with my two wild children and always focusing on their positives even when they were being rude and ungrateful and cranky...you somehow saw their angelic natures shining through or at least were so wonderful about emphasizing these qualities when they were hard to see
• the grace and poise and strength and wisdom of how you lived your life...your character, your giving, your listening, you ability to be so much for so many...
  
• but mostly we will just miss you
  

i feel somewhat morbid typing all this...tears streaming down my face as i remember and visualize each of these little moments...most of them are recent through the eyes of my own children but a few go back to me as a child...morbid because hayno hasn't passed away yet. she is in the hospital with pneumonia and doesn't have much will to live. but she is 90 and tells those who visit what a wonderful life she has had and there is a time for everyone...

so my experience with loss of those closest to me (my dad and grandparents mainly) has been so sudden i didn't have a chance to think of all these things about each of them. i didn't have the opportunity to share them while they were alive. some of this i think would make hayno smile...she would appreciate that i noticed and appreciated her on so many levels...but i don't want her to feel guilty, like she needs to stay around for us. i want her to feel ready to go and that we will be ok without her (even if right now i don't feel like we will)...how do i say these things? do i? i know with my dad he wouldn't have wanted to have this conversation...he most likely died of a cardiac arrest because we were instantly left with all these memories instead of having to share our sadness of missing him with him. but hayno may be different? i know she is very cranky and difficult in the hospital...she deserves to die at home...but what if she goes home with hospice care, gets over the pneumonia and this was all premature? i figure she would still appreciate the memories and love but i don't want to assume she is dying if she isn't? or maybe she would rather have my presence and love without hearing all of this...to "reall" when maybe she just wants to let go instead of having the pressure of all she will leave behind?

do any of you have experience with losing an older person who knew they were likely to die and/or was ready to die? did you have any "heart-to-heart" conversations with them? i think if i asked my husband what i should tell hayno when i visit her he might say to err on sharing it all...how i support her decision to hold on or let go but that i wanted to share with her how much she meant to me...

i've been babysitting a friend's kids for 9-10 hours each day for the past two days and i'm exhausted but this is the first moment, at 3:34 a.m. three days later that i've been able to grieve the possible loss of hayno and reflect on how to respond...i will try to call her in her hospital room in the morning (close to 11 so she can sleep)...but sometimes i have "intuitive" senses about things and i hope this intense mourning at this odd hour isn't because something has already happened...

day 52 blog 43 loriepalooza

this is a photo of us from my dear friend lorie's bachelorette party...outside don giovanni in napa...i wanted to take just a moment to reflect on the tragic and way too early loss of her 1 year ago today. this was probably the hardest 1 year milestone losing my dad...how to celebrate him and honor all that he was on "his" day...only without him. i feel like i should be spending this day with lorie and all of her friends at loriepalooza (friends gathering to remember her for a weekend up north)...that is the odd thing about grieving...especially on the day you lost someone...you feel like they should be there, too...but such is life...i just came from northern california last weekend and was struck by how many landmarks reminded me of times spent with lorie...working at brava terrace (also gone), shopping at the outlet malls, eating at gillwoods, hanging out at the napa valley roasting company...and all the random places in between...she had a profound positive effect on so many people and i know her spirit lives on through them but i wish she was here to be a part of loriepalooza and keep everyone laughing...

day 8 blog 10 trees

these trees are along the bay at seaport village here in san diego...you can see the kites flying in the background; often a windy and popular spot...

i am passionate about art...and photography...and writing...and a challenge that involves my values...i've always had a certain connection with trees...started going through my digital photos to find one symbolic for this idea...not even my ideal tree for the challenge, just one to introduce the idea...i have like 15 and they still don't cover enough of the trees that have been really meaningful to me at different times in my life...so before i start free associating on all that, i should give you some reference point.

my friend (and neighbor), julie, recently inspired me to start blogging regularly again. she is what i call a power blogger and has a lot of people who follow/comment on her blog and though i am not striving for that status, i really wanted to be regularly updating my own blog so i decided to challenge myself to blog every day...well i'm just over 1 week in and it has been pretty easy. i've been wanting to write a post about julie and wasn't sure where exactly i was going to go with it...then i read her post from today and felt really inspired...actually started idealizing the project...do click over and read in her words what i'm talking about (and she has an awesome, creative art focused blog)...basically she is challenging her readers to take a photo of one tree three different times during the year and she will post the links to follow the different trees. i haven't even figured out which tree i want to photograph and i'm already free associating to all the trees in my life and which ones i have photos of and, well, it is late and i told manuel i'd come to bed in 20 minutes so i am going to try and wrap this up and do a follow-up blog with lots of different tree photos...

just off the top of my head, these trees may or may not include an apricrot tree my parents planted in our yard right after i was born, a eucaplytus tree i used to climb in our yard, a jacarunda tree whose purple blooms remind me of my childhood home, peach trees i used to climb with my sister when our family went peach picking, dense lush green trees in virginia where my dad grew up and we visited once a year growing up, several different types of trees i spent time under, around, etc. in college in the napa valley (one of which was the place where manuel proposed to me), tropical trees on our honeymoon in the cook islands, the tree my dad is buried under, the tree out in front of our home that a mommy dove built a nest in (the babies just left the nest today and if i had gotten better photos i would have posted about them)...ok i'd rather have photos than descriptions so hopefully there will be a follow-up post...i should warn you we are spending all day tomorrow and sunday at the beach again so this follow-up may be on monday...

do visit julie's blog and consider joining her challenge or at least free associate with me back to the meaning different trees have had in your life...

day 2 blog 4 blogging questions and grace

minutes after sea met story for the first time...she is angry and hurt...confused about sharing her world with a new little brother. i am exhausted before i even realize the full meaning of the word but ecstatic at the same time...i got the natural birth i hoped for but more importantly have two healthy children who i love more than i am able to express in words and if i were to try and express this love in actions they would be squeezed to their demise...

so i have loads and loads of material to write about and never enough time. i am happy that i choose to live life and be in the moment with my children when they are awake but i am constantly tired and with this new commitment to blog every day until the end of the year, well...i'm looking for shortcuts. i need to do an entire post on my blogging identity...why i blog, where this blog is leading me, what i've gotten from other bloggers and mommies and what i want to share...

but like i said, that will have to be another post. this post was supposed to be about blogging etiquette and i have a neighbor whose blog i will share (again, in another post) later who photocopied specific tips for me...specifically i am still really learning about my place in cyberspace and allowing others in, joining the community etc. but as many things in my mommy world, even my original intent in this post has now changed...

i need to know how to do a few things if any of you power bloggers, or people who have blogged for awhile, or smart individuals who spent more time figuring these things out can comment to help me out:

1) how do i see how many people are following my blog? is this per post or just the blog in general? i really didn't want to care about this...i have had this blog for almost 2 years and never checked this because i don't want to have that information effect what/when/how i post but one of my power blogger friends asked me to check this before she tells others about my site so she can see how many people checked it out

2) how do i easily thank people for comments? sometimes i am sent to their blog, their profile or just more info about them but no e-mail address to quickly shout out a thanks...i would rather go to them than just comment beneath each comment

3) what are the pros/cons of following people publicly? i would like to let bloggers i follow know i am following them and beyond just commenting on posts i like i am happy to have my photo/profile under "followers" or something if i can figure that out...i just tried to add this to my blog but don't have any followers yet...do any of you use this/know a better way to let people know you appreciate their site?

4) what are things you love about blogging/your blog etc. have learned in the process that you would pass on to others new to blogging?

5) what are things that you would do differently? regret doing? advice you would give to avoid problems?

6) i have about 40 more questions that will have to wait because i'm losing my train of thought and consumed with the idea of grace and how i may run out of time to talk about it and i can find answers to these basic blogging questions later as grace is a much bigger issue...

anyway, a couple posts ago i was frustrated (and a little humored) with both children who could get in to so much trouble in such a short amount of time...after typing up a very quick post on what i thought would get most readers to chuckle or feel just a wee bit sorry for me, instead a blogger i do not know (will have to ask her how she found me) named amanda commented something like "you are more than blessed"...recently my power blogger friend was telling me how you can link back to people who comment and so i clicked on amanda's name trying to learn more about her...i love her blog in general and could comment more on that later, too, but specifically i wanted to leave you with a link to a post she did on grace because i really think i could use a different perspective in my approach to parenting...especially when i'm frustrated.

so bring on your comments and suggestions and regrets and take the extra moment to check out a post on grace...especially if you find yourself easily frustrated with your children...i definitely need to focus on appreciating them more and remember that i AM more than blessed...

out of the haze

here's to hoping sea and the thoughts of time spent at the beach (this shot taken a couple of weeks ago on the first day of spring in coronado) can take me to a new place...

i have several friends who want me to confirm them on facebook...i usually include this blog in my reply and realized my past few blogs have been rather glum...the update i was going to do a week ago would have been "loss magnified" about the 14 people who crashed in montana. i went to school with almost all of them...7 of them were children 10 and under...was closest with the middle sister who didn't die and will most likely be heading to puc for the memorial this weekend (8.5 hour drive each way)...i guess 3000 people attended one of the first services so it is obviously affecting a lot of people...my sister was roommates in college with one girl who died...this same girl was friends with one of my good friends in st. helena...the friday before the plane went down the boy who died was comforting my friend's youngest son "your mommy will be back soon"...makes me think of my little coop preschool and losing a whole family out of my life...

anyway, i've been trying to "move past" this news but it colors so much...today it is cloudy out, we woke up late, children are still sick, i put on "johnny cash" on pandora which has been a lot of sad tunes...the gambler is on right now..."know when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away, when to run..." i read a lot of philosophy in to music...drinking lukewarm french press coffee surrounded by too many dishes and messes literal and symbolic...

then a friend IM'd me to see how i was doing and she helped get me out of my rut of negativity
...focus on getting our kids together to play...

so i'm choosing to focus on life and living...kids playing in their new playhouse and watering all the things that don't need to be watered...off to help my garden thrive and hope our family can, too...

birthday brunch, bursting baking and blessings

photos to follow when i can be on my computer and not manuel's laptop in the bathroom while sea takes a bath (the rest of my family is sleeping)...so yesterday was my birthday. it seemed much different for some reason. usually i get all analytical, reflecting on past years, dreaming about the future, trying to figure out where i'm "at" each year around my birthday (more so even than new years resolutions)...but this year my birthday just came and i celebrated it and life is moving on the way i suppose it should...i wanted to briefly blog on the topic along with all my other "b" ideas...

first of all, i feel badly that many of my recent san diego friends, friends from playgroup, blogging friends, etc. were not invited to our joint birthday party (manuel's birthday was feb 12). see, i just didn't feel we could handle a group of 100 or so people in our new home...we still have so much to unpack, little furniture to sit in, it is freezing cold in our house most of the time, etc. so instead of inviting just a few of my closest playgroup friends (you know who you are) and offending others in the playgroup i don't know as well (i would have wanted to invite the whole playgroup), i just stuck with people in the coop preschool and friends i had made in san diego before playgroup. i still feel badly about this decision and think next time i'll err on just having too many people...but that said, with trying to keep the list small, we still had close to 40 people in our home yesterday for birthday brunch.

it was potluck style so we had everything from traditional indian food (including a cream of wheat cereal with chai like spices and homemade chai) to homemade coffee cake from a friend with a wonderful website with her own recipes (link will have to come later) that are gluten free, to fruit salad, pastries from whole foods, homemade quiche, breakfast potatoes, cinnamon rolls...fresh squeezed orange and grapefruit juice (both from our neighbors' yards)...i may have to finish this list later as sea is ready to get out of the bath...

i just wanted to share one very noteworthy part of the day...an hour and a half in, when most people had arrived, manuel and i were talking about whether we should go ahead and have a blessing for the food (knowing some friends are not religious and/or might be uncomfortable)...i had just told my one friend who is pregnant to come out of the kitchen and just as we were introducing ourselves and everyone was learning how we knew one another, there was a huge explosion with glass literally flying 10 feet ...the egg fritatta dish that had just come out of the oven was not meant to be put on a hot burner (my poor decision) and the entire lasagne size glass pan blew all over our kitchen...i shudder to think if anyone had been in there...and there were so many children, too! so truly i feel so blessed that we have God taking care of us and that i went with my intuition to bless the food...and our friends...i am blessed in so many ways...

more than words

was this photo really taken almost a year ago? story is only a few days old and sea is only 2 something...and telling someone (herself?) to be quiet...something we both struggle with...mostly i just love this photo but i'm starting to feel some peace and calm...maybe even resolution in areas of my life that are way overdue for this...thank you to those of you who helped with this...or i should say continue to help me remember life is a process and not a destination...so for a post that is supposed to be word-free and simply appreciating what is and where i'm at...i really need to stop free associating...

playgroup photos

i've had so much on my mind recently and no time to blog that i'm going to make this post basically all photos from one of the playgroups i'm in...here are recent photos of sea and story with friends at a nearby park...





sorry i'm having formatting issues...sorry for many friends we played with whose photos didn't make it...sorry i'm apologizing so much...etc. etc. this is why i need more free time...grateful i got a few moments to appreciate the joy that is playgroups...thanks to all who make this so special for us...tomorrow i go to a coop i'm in to pick up little seedlings for our new garden...i am growing broccoli and carrots to swap for all sorts of organic goodness...more on that and coop preschool updates and so many other things...

believing less is more

i just left sea and story sleeping together in our bed...much like this photo when story was only 5 days old... only they were facing each other more...they were showing signs of tiredness by 7 tonight and both asleep by 7:30...those of you who know sea know that she sleeps very little so i'm hoping we are all heading for more sleep in 2009...anyway, they have both been stirring since they lay down so this post, with its emphasis on "less" will also be shorter than usual...

this is officially my first post in my "blogger's challenge"...i didn't spend a lot of time obsessing over who to choose as my first inspirational post...in fact, i just chose the first one i read that was inspiring or moved me or was well written or i could relate with...elaine's post on less stuff (and supporting comments) and the previous post by her met all of these criteria at once. she is a very talented blogger and person for that matter and one of the first people to inspire me to blog, so i find it appropriate that i have chosen her post as my first inspiration in this endeavor. click on the highlighted words in the paragraph above to go to her blog and the two specific posts i'm referring to.

there is a lot about elaine's posts that i could relate with but specifically, as we start a new year and i should be posting my new year's resolutions, looking back over what i'm grateful for, feeling optimistic about the future, etc. i'm instead feeling crushed by stuff...physical possessions mostly but also all the mental crap i need to sort out and throw out in order to be more productive and less self-absorbed. if i could get rid of all of this "stuff" instead of feeling like it is all such an integral part of who i am, that i will lose some essential part of my essence if i part with too much, i think i would be a lot better person...to myself, my family, my friends...definitely to my husband who is the minimalist i would love to be...

i do believe that less is more in theory...i just can't part with enough to get to that point. i also believe that if you par down to what is essential or most important, you will value it more. i have tried to do that in the way i live my life, but i'm still stuck with so much stuff. in particular, the garage is full of boxes...manuel points out i don't even know what is in all of them which makes it worse...if i lost them and didn't know what i lost...yet isn't that the point? i COULD lose all this stuff and really not miss it that much...like all these skeletons in my closet that are lying around somewhere inside me or in my past or in my head or in my memories or maybe just in all that stuff and if i actually just let it all go they wouldn't haunt me? so why is that so hard to do? please share with me how the rest of you wrestle with "stuff" and deciding how to let it go without losing essential aspects of yourself...

i could really analyze this topic much more, be more disclosing, get more resolution, end up with resolutions for the new year, etc. but honestly i don't have the energy. i just want to throw the idea out there, mill over it and really get more SLEEP for a change since i always make rest my last priority in attempts to fit everything else in...

i've started some new vitamins, nutritional supplements of some sort (i tried to do a link here but the company--mannatech--is different in different countries...i'll be taking their optimal support packets if anyone has any experience/opinions with this product) that i really do believe in so i'm going to give those 3 months to work, get more rest, exercise/walk in the sunshine more and see if these simple things can help get me jump started to a place where i can deal with all this stuff.

i've totally lost my train of thought...not an uncommon thing these days i'm afraid...so, back on topic, if i had less in my life, i believe the less i had would be more valuable and i could appreciate the small things (see some of my labels such as friends, sunshine, tea and of course anything that has to do with sea or story)...but don't follow those links since previous posts have been filled with over-analysis and trouble just "being" and appreciating and experiencing in the moment...here's to hoping these inspirational bloggers i've been following can help me do this more in 2009...

but of course i will come back to all those posts i had hoped to fit in over the holidays:

"what i miss about our old home"
"losing corky"
"holiday rambles and resolutions"
"happy birthday dad...still missing you so much"

all come to mind but they may have to be combined or alluded to instead of each getting their own post...we'll see how i'm doing with energy, time, rest, focus, etc...

i hope this blog will be more interactive this year so please bring on the comments, suggestions, links to your blogs or ones you follow that inspire you...

oh, and one more shout out to elaine...thanks for being an inspiration to so many...

a blogging challenge

no photo...fussy kids and too much to do today...

i posted roughly once a week last year. this year i have challenged myself to at least double that. one way i'm going to meet this goal is to peruse my fellow blogging friends' blogs once a week; pick my favorite or at least the one that pulls me in some way or inspires me or i can relate with or is just random or whatever, and then i will blog on that topic along with a link to said blog. i thought if i could get other bloggers in on this idea, we would all blog more, be more connected, be able to relate with one another more and, well, find solutions to some of the same conundrums we all tend to blog about.

this process will be fairly random...just the blog that leaps out at me on any given moment i am catching up on reading them; so i hope i don't offend anyone if i don't choose yours for awhile....send me links to your blog if you want to participate and don't think i'm already reading your blog...

the OCD aspects of my personality are really wanting to micro-manage and control how i go about doing this, but if you read the previous post, the emphasis here is going to be on living and experiencing life, not finding meaning, trying to understand or capture it in photos or words...i'll start the first blog inspired post tonight after the children are sleeping...let me know any suggestions you have for this endeavor!

experiencing life versus finding meaning in it

i found this photo randomly near the end; without searching for the perfect representation or symbol (read--"meaning") of the idea i'm trying to explain...looks like sea, story and my cat isaac are doing a good job just exeriencing life...well, the reality of life is that despite the long list of things to do, things i want to write, ideas i've captured mentally but haven't gotten down into too many blogs...my children need me...now...they can't eat breakfast by themselves today (ok, story can...and now that i've declared that, sea is happily feeding brother so even though i just burnt the toast and i'm hungry, i'll continue with this idea...)

so many of my blogging friends are good at this idea of living instead of just writing about living (a hard balance when keeping a blog)...so my next post is going to be a bloggers challenge for the new year...to keep me focused on this idea and to blog more...

through the eyes of a child

i took this photo of sea last week during coop preschool when her task was to "see" through her homemade binoculars...she was wearing her big eyed owl shirt and our topic was vision (we are making our way through the senses)...as i looked down the tp tube at her too blue eyes innocently staring back in to mine, i realized I was the one who needed a new vision...to look through her eyes for awhile...this idea has been brewing in my head...too far in the back i'm afraid to make it to this blog but now that lorie's memorial is over i am ready to focus on life again.

i'm like 30 blogs behind on my friends' lives (learning how to make homemade kombucha --thanks elaine --sounds like it should be on the top of one of my reads since i spend about $4 on this drink too often)...have way too many e-mails in my inbox, need to send the memorial booklet to way too many people--yes i underestimated how many people would want one--let me know if you are one of them and you haven't told me already... (this means deleting a lot of "sent" mail, too in order to not be nearing the max my e-mail mailbox can hold), way behind on facebook, and these are just the things that i WANT to do...bills, laundry, packing, groceries, cooking, the usuals haven't even made it to my "to do" list yet. but i'm ok with that. focusing on life sometimes mean focusing on the small and more fundamentally important things when the bigger less important things seem to be smothering me. it feels good to be a part of this active, dynamic, moving forward community instead of wallowing in my loss which turns out is a LOT of people's loss...the memorial book will help me spread the love that was lorie and i ended my contribution with the idea i presented here:

"I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on"

may i embrace life as you did, help others feel as special and cherished as i always did when i was with you...may i LIVE NOW...in the moment...
had to add one more photo of sea's "eyes"...taken a few days ago...

thank you

so sea's birthday party is long over and i've had trouble regrouping and getting back in to daily life...one weight on my mind is how many people i haven't thanked! for coming to the party, helping with planning, implementation and the cleanup afterwards, and for the gifts...

we have been spreading the gift opening out; opening one every few days or weeks so this means thank you cards are delayed (they probably would be anyway)...i usually obsess over a cute way to make thank-you's of sea playing with her gift and personalizing this for each gift giver and then never end up printing out the photo...so this year i am toying with doing online thank yous (still individual of course) and including a photo without having to print them. i know miss manners or some person who believes they know the correct way to do these things would definitely not approve but as sea slowly opens gifts this is my hope, goal, challenge. you may still end up with just a basic thank you card sent way too late...until then, may this be a transitional thanks to all for gifts, friendship, time spent together...

sincerely, denise, manuel, sea and story

p.s. this photo of sea was taken when sea was 8 months old...you can see how much redder her hair is so i suppose story's could still lighten

no sleep, coop preschool, feeling left out

so i went to bed at almost 2 and then by 4:30 story woke up with a gas bubble and sea wanted to nurse and after nursing both of them on and off while trying to soothe the other by 5:15 i was UP and unable to go back to sleep...i've been online replying to e-mails, checking my evite for sea's 3rd bday party (surprisingly no one rsvped between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m.?!), posting to an organic coop i am the spreadsheet supervisor for, posting to a coop preschool i've been asked to join and then posting to a second coop preschool a friend of mine is initiating but i set up a yahoo group for...so yeah, with no "career" or job other than stay-at-home mommy, i have kept myself very busy. i left out that i try to maintain a mac website with photos, this blog and just managing all the photos i take daily (plus weddings, vacation, etc.). then on top of that i always have little side projects for all these photos...wedding albums, photos from birthday parties and showers that end up being the gift i give...now to get them done...

ok, so this leads me to the last topic in this blog's subject "feeling left out". i definitely have childhood issues with rejection and/or feeling left out. i was always a very social child and liked to be the life of the party. i would often impose myself on others and feel rejected when they didn't share my enthusiasm or find me as entertaining and exciting as i found myself. i always had plenty of friends and every year of elementary had someone i considered my "best" friend. this is what got me in to even more trouble. inevitably one of these friends would want to be friends or at least best friends with someone else. so we were always keeping track of who our best friend was and this didn't always correspond with what that said friend thought their best friend was. so say i'm person A and i think person B is my best friend but she considers person C to be her best friend and really wants to be best friends with person D etc.

somehow when i was young it was really important to keep track of these things and know who your best friend was at any given time and i often felt very rejected and hurt when my best friend would leave me for a new best friend. in fact, in doing some reflection, this may explain why my husband was also my first boyfriend...i always felt like i was in a committed relationship with all of these girlfriends and it required so much work and pain that i had no desire for that with a boyfriend in high school or college.

but i grew up and matured some and was able to maintain several friendships at once and not rank them and many of these people didn't get their feeelings hurt if i spent time with the other friends, etc. but somehow even today as an adult with children forming their own friendships, i still have all kinds of issues with these things! i found out one of my closest friends has been getting together with two of my other friends in a regular weekly playgroup for about 3 months and i haven't been invited to bring sea. so immediately i felt this surge of rejection like i used to experience as a child and all the worst case scenarios started going through my mind "why am i not a good enough friend to be included? is it me? do they not like sea? what have i done wrong? what do i need to do to be a good enough friend to be included? have i offended them somehow? did they just not think of me or did they actually decide not to include me?" etc.

remember i am setting this blog up with a description of my childhood issues as a foundation and disclaimer to how silly this all is...i am aware on a rational level that people just get busy and the invite/lack of invite could be as simple as they ran in to that person and decided to get together or live right around the block and it was easy or last minute, etc. etc. but i got my feelings hurt or felt left out because this group continued to meet for several weeks without ever including me. is that unreasonable? i'd really like comments on this topic because i know i can be very irrational in this area and a lot of it is coming from childhood issues i want to shield sea from if i can get in touch with it myself...i should add that i was very premenstrual yesterday when i learned this so the whacked out hormones didn't help my reasonability. (my spell checker is telling me this isn't a word but i'm ignoring it because i'm on a roll and need to get these ideas off my chest)

so i shared these feelings with the friend who had informed me about the group getting together for a playgroup (and i should make a note to myself here that if she really didn't want me to be a part of this, why would she have even mentioned that they had been getting together?) and she felt badly. i didn't mean to make her feel badly, i just wanted her to know how i felt so i wouldn't be passive aggressive or internalize my frustration or obsess over this but not talk about it, etc. non-healthy ways i have dealt with these things in the past. she was glad i told her and i was glad she called me back and wanted to talk about it instead of avoiding or minimizing the issue. she didn't really have an explanation for why i wasn't invited but i'm not sure that i necessarily needed one? or do i? i'm really torn on how much i want to analyze this and figure out the "whys"...maybe it is better to focus on the conflict resolution and dealing with these issues to improve them...i still feel like i need to talk to the other friend about it because i already feel like i make more effort with her than she makes with me. sometimes i find myself ranking these things in my head...i guess i'd rather be the friend who invites others more, tries to reach out, stays in touch, etc. than the one who isn't coming through as much but it is another level of rejection when you keep calling to check on someone, invite them places, etc. and they keep turning you down or don't call back or i guess initiate on their end. i don't want to keep track of these things, i really don't. but they build up so when something like this playgroup meeting without inviting me happens i feel like "why is she able to get together with other friends but not me?"

PLEASE comment as i'm feeling so juvenile right now. i'm going to talk to this other friend this week. i know it really isn't personal. she gets busy, works in the home, doesn't have as much free time as me, isn't naturally as desperately needing social networks as me, etc.

i'm getting bored with this topic so i want to move on to the other related issue weighing on my mind...the coop preschools i've joined. i've been wanting to form one of these for so long and have so many friends i have told this to and would want to include. but now two separate friends have started them and though they are open to including others, i am limited by size constraints and the agendas of the other members. so i just wanted to let any of my readers know that i am still thinking of you for this coop and if you are interested in joining, let me know and i'll talk to both group "leaders" to see if you can fit in to either the tues or thurs group and if not there are 3 other days of the week i can work with you on to try and include anyone interested so no one else has to feel left out like i did yesterday...

why do my posts always feel so dramatic? manuel commends me for putting myself out there in such a vulnerable way but gets a little nervous for me at the same time. i'm nervous for myself being so vulnerable and posting about such personal issues but i'm grateful to have such a great network of friends that care about me and each other that i think this can be productive for everyone.

oh, if you live locally and want to come to sea's birthday party, post a comment and i'll send you the evite...that is one more thing i don't want anyone to feel left out about.

i'm exhausted dealing with all this. but it is now 7:30 and my family is just about to wake up just as i'm just about ready to go to sleep. i guess i'll get ready to go to coop preschool and update you how this is all playing out as it unfolds. i welcome your comments...sincerely, denise

supporting a family and local music TONIGHT

i'm not sure if i have blogged about how much i value a yahoo group i joined with parents committed to attachment parenting but perhaps equally important they are committed to being there for one another. one mom from this group recently posted about her family's struggles after her husband was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. there will be a benefit concert tonight to help them with the medical expenses. it is at the casbah which is literally blocks from our house (those of you who live locally should definitely go...tickets are on sale at the door and you can stop by before or after):

http://casbahmusic.com/schedule.php

for more details about this story, you can read a local article written in city beat:

http://sdcitybeat.com/cms/story/detail/all_that_is_night/7085/

$18,000 just for one dose of medicine?! this blog could also be on the travesty of our current health care system...but i digress...

anyway, you can also help by just donating directly here:

http://www.roseredcreative.com/donations.html

this is definitely a worthy cause and so i'm trying to do all i can to help out. i know these moms (and dads) would do the same for me even though many of us have only chatted online. thank you for helping however you can.