spring rambles

 grr...almost two months since i last wrote a blog entry and i had hoped to "blog more regularly"...life, family, drama, cross roads, various excuses but really i miss writing so much i need to make the time for it instead of hoping the rest will come together and there will be time left over. this top photo was taken at my friend kim's annual easter egg hunt/brunch. we have another photo taken in this same spot from two years ago and story's hair is only to his shoulders and, well, sea is about story's age. i try to slow them down but they get older and bigger faster than i can capture or appreciate their ages. i remember last year wanting to blog about sea getting ready to enter 1st grade...then our summer...entering second and now she is almost DONE with second and i haven't written any of these things down. i've still been taking photos and done a much better job experiencing the moment and slowing down my own thoughts (trying to be less self-absorbed/selfish) and just appreciating what is in the moment. i keep having these ideals or dreams of waking up early with the perfect cup of coffee and no one needing anything and just writing all the thoughts that keep spinning around or get tangled in my dreams.  but instead i sleep in or wake up too tired or wake up with too many things already on my plate and the writing ideal goes out the window.

so here we are on a saturday night. sea has a friend over and they are watching a movie. manuel is taking a nap. story is having his second sleep over at another friend's house. i fed the children homemade split pea soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and i'm enjoying a glass of red wine as i type. i had a bunch of ideas in my head yesterday or the day before and was trying to untangle them so i could write a cohesive blog post. i often feel, when i start typing after such a long hiatus, like i need to have something really important to say or well thought out or well put together. but if i'm going to be true to myself and my style of writing, i tend to ramble and hope the ideas eventually link together.

today i wrote an e-mail to a professor who was most influential to me in graduate school. i wished him happy birthday and told him a little bit about my current life and how i'm thinking about going back to teaching within the next year or so. specifically i shared with him how i'm at a cross roads of sorts...story, my youngest, will start kindergarten in the fall. i am holding off on submitting any applications until i know how he adjusts to school (he's never been in preschool) and i suppose equally as important in my hesitancy to go back to work is wanting to be as involved as room parent, in the classroom, teaching art, going on field trips, etc. part of me is excited about the opportunity to have more free time...i hope to use it gardening, exercising (or at least doing yoga), reading, blogging, making photo albums of the children, etc. though i really SHOULD use it finally cleaning out the garage, going through to accumulated "stuff" i no longer use or need, paperwork, etc....hopefully some combination of the two.

so i feel like i should really be maximizing this last time home alone with story. i'm not sure what that means or what he will most remember or appreciate about our time alone together. i also feel like i need to really listen to sea right now and connect with her while she still wants to connect with me. she is getting to an age where she is much more independent and analyzing things on deeper independent levels and doesn't "need" me as much. it is funny how i want us to be closer when she seems fine alone and i feel like i need space when she is more clingy and wants to snuggle in my lap. today she sat on my lap in church and she felt big and it was awkward and an uncomfortable angle but i immediately thought how i may not get many more of these spontaneous times together when she wants to sit in my lap so i squeezed her and smelled her hair while we sang hymns together.

today we went to our community pool. we go there pretty much any day manuel is home from work early enough and any weekend it isn't quite warm enough to go to the beach. the photo below was taken later in the day on easter after the brunch photo above:

i love this pool. it has an old feel to it (established 50 years ago and has some of the same equipment or feel of the 60's) and many of the members have had their membership passed down through family members; most member live in our neighborhood. so it has this feel like it has been around forever and always will be...very familiar and an integral part of our lives. also great exercise for the kids, wonderful sun for all of us, relaxing, etc.

today at the pool i decided i would finally put some books on book shelves in the app goodreads which is a cool social sight where you can see what other friends are reading and post what you have read, want to read, etc. i listed anne lamott (one of my all time favorite authors...she is funny and sincere and believable and likable and also happens to be both spiritual and very hippyish in her lifestyle/political beliefs which doesn't often coincide). then i listed billy coffey whose books i haven't read...my connection to him is i was commenting on a blog about some religious topic and i happened to read a comment by billy right above mine...i appreciated his perspective and the way he wrote his response so i clicked his name and started following him on his blog. i must have thought of him right after anne because they both write about religion (along with a lot of introspective/philosophical/humanistic observations on life in general). then i remembered one of my good friends, tanya, was also an author and i hadn't listed her books. as i was listing these, i looked up from my relaxing lounging position at the pool to see margaret dilloway, whose daughter is in my daughter's class at school. we worked together to create a basket of advanced reader copy books for the school's auction (i should say she did all the work getting the books from her publisher and friends and i just met her for coffee to talk about it!) anyway, it was weird to be listing authors i'd like to read and then see one looking down at me...so i listed her two books (i have bought one and keep meaning to make the time to read it). finally, i listed alfie kohn who has by far been the most influential writer on my parenting philosophy (he gave words to ideas i couldn't quite explain to others when i was intuitively dealing with my children and focused more on "big picture" outcomes than what was happening in the moment).

i'm really not feeling like writing right now...probably because i have a full hour and a half "free" and i usually feel most like writing at like 3 a.m. when i wake up with too many ideas in my head to sleep or something impractical like that. a friend on facebook once wrote how the difference between amateurs and professionals is the professionals don't need to have an inspirational moment to produce fine work (he was referring specifically to music) but i think that is true for writing, too...i don't HAVE to write anything meaningful or at a professional level at this point so when i no longer feel like it i can just stop.

i do feel guilty it has been too long since i last wrote and wish i had more in me...maybe after a hot bath and i put on some snuggly clothes...

thanks for allowing me to free associate...

reflections on art, research, mommyhood and individuals

it is 6:30 a.m. on a sunday. i should not be up. i did not want to be up. but we co-sleep and my children and dog and cat were all competing for who went where and i found myself unable to go back to sleep. maybe it is because i have a lot on my mind. have had a lot on my mind. things i'm working through and trying to figure out...about myself, my family, my place in my world. i don't think my blog concept is that unique and wish i had a better blog title but really "mommy's journey" pretty well describes what this blog is about. when i started thinking about blogging i was really conflicted about my role as a stay-at-home mom. i didn't know any role models, felt part of my identity was tied up to making a difference as a teacher and was worried i would miss the process of learning and keeping my mind engaged with adults at the college level. really i think one of the bigger issues (perhaps a life long issue for me) was balancing dependence and independence. i've always prided myself in being so independent and not "needing" others yet i am so social and enjoy people...on my depressive down days i wish i didn't push myself away and could allow myself more dependence...in fact, i didn't even see the value of dependence until i met my husband...and then again when i had children i was glad they wanted to be dependent on me more than i wanted to foster independence in them (which i think comes naturally when you feel secure)...

anyway, i digress...i really wanted to write about art...so i'll start with a photo from last year's art show at sea's school. i led the "famous artist" lesson and chose monet's sailboats for at least a few reasons 1) my dad loved sailboats and they remind me of him 2) monet was one of my favorite artists as a child 3) sea loves the water and i wanted to see her paint a sailboat

most of the children in her class went with the traditional blues/greens/turquoise with white accents for their primary colors but true to sea's individual nature (and love for the color) she went with an orange sky and an orange sailboat. i love this about her. she can trust herself and go with what she sees or imagines without following the masses (at least artistically!)

this next picture was taken at last year's family art night at sea's school. i have taken over the art corps coordinator position for the school so i will be in charge of this event next year...here is sea giving a "thumb's up" which also reminds me of my dad (he used to do this both to encourage us growing up and also to say "right on!" when he was happy like sea is doing here)...

i met with one of the co-founders of the art corps program (they are professional artists who come to sea's school and lead workshops to teach parents age appropriate art lessons that build on one another...they teach a concept about art and tie it into famous art work so the children are learning both and then get to try to concept on their own art once a month...the parents take the workshop and then teach the lesson in their child's classroom...i taught most of the kindergarten and 1st grade lessons in sea's class and loved it!). i'm really excited to be the face of this program on campus. it will be my job to  get families excited about art at the school...i will do this with a booth at the ice cream social before school, the 1st day of school, the first open house and then have an art corps orientation where people can learn more about art. then i need to be sure there are enough parent volunteers both to lead and assist all the lessons in all the classes...advertise and sign people up for two family art nights sponsored by the PTA, and organize matting of one piece of art per 500+ children in the school for the art show at the end of the year. this is a very parent involved school which is good in many senses but difficult when they have competing agendas for what is most important. i'm hoping to convince them art should be one of the top priorities at the school...one way i am hoping to go about this is to look up research showing how art helps children in school...both academically (they care about things like test scores and grades that are not high priorities to me) and psychologically and personally just how art enriches people's lives (more important to me).

i came from a very academic background growing up (there was a well known medical school, dental school, physical therapy, nursing, etc. in our community where many of the parents worked and these occupations were definitely encouraged over anything artistic). i've always loved art. even when i got a "c" in it in 3rd grade and decided i wasn't very "good" at art i still loved it. i remember taking some personality test in middle school where they asked what type of people you would most want to hang out with at a party and i always chose artistic types as my number one choice even though most of my friends were social people types (my 2nd choice) and i fancied myself a nerdy analytical thinking type (3rd choice).

it is hard to balance the contrasting sides of myself...i love the author anne lamott both because she is really funny and an awesome writer, but more importantly for me because i can relate with her feeling drawn to very liberal and out of the box things yet feeling God and spirituality are equally important (there aren't too many of my hippy type friends who embrace the importance of God in their life...most of them are atheists)...she writes a lot of autobiographical material i can also relate with on her own journeys as a mother...she has a attachment parenting style like mine that i can also relate with...

wow, this post is all over the place. i originally felt motivated by writing about art...yesterday i attended a baby shower for a mom of one of sea's "students"...we became friends last year...she was always really involved at the school and showing up with personalized artistic gifts and homemade cupcakes for various holidays throughout the year. on top of our personal connection of caring about our children and both being involved in the classroom, she is an accomplished artist. our children have the same birthday. i'm not sure how much astrology weighs into everything but they are both leos (july 23rd birthday) close to the watery sign of cancer so they have a strong willed side but are also artistic...

anyway, i met one of her friends who is also an accomplished artist and we were talking about the difficulties with being a mommy and balancing this with other things we are passionate about or just wanting to get away sometimes. i totally get that! i've been reflecting on that idea since i spoke with her. i think i have finally come to a place in my life where i can give up parts of myself to embrace other parts. and i don't feel like i have to give them up forever. my children are 4 and 7. my youngest only has one year left with me before he is off to school and i will have a lot more free time. i want to embrace these unscheduled days of playing with blocks, reading books, making "maps" (he just recently got into making his own art), riding bikes, running in the grass and chasing and/or trying to fly kites. i have a lot of analytical and "deeper" ideas inside of me but right now, at this place in my life, i need to embrace the simpler experiential "moments" of my life...

this rambling is bordering on incoherent so i will end this post shortly and head back to my mommy duties including cleaning out the car of all sandy beach gear, making breakfast, wrapping birthday presents and packing to head out of town to a cousin's party...

but i wanted to include the idea of research (this idea isn't as out of the blue as it sounds...i was reading about research on education on a homeschool group e-mail this morning in bed)...looking at who you influence...groups or individuals...i studied psychology in college and graduate school...pre-kids i loved research and wanted to read and conduct my own to try and "prove" or at least show the probabilities for various things. when i was a teacher i liked that i was influencing many people every semester and i imagined life on a more global scale and how i could influence groups of people. now that i am a stay-at-home mom, my life is much simpler and my world is much smaller. but this is a good thing. i am more concerned with how i influence my children and the impact on the individual (myself and my family) versus groups.

in a different time and place my focus may be elsewhere (though i doubt i will ever give up the importance of my influence on my children...and their influence on me)...but for now i am happy where i am, doing what i am on this mommy journey...

waldorf harvest festival

today we went to story's mommy-and-me preschool (waldorf) for a harvest festival...i taught sabbath school first thing this morning, we have friends coming in to town tomorrow, i helped manuel with his trial tonight, i have several tasks i was hoping to complete as room mom, and the main thing hanging over my head is that i haven't written about my third grade memories (see my previous post). if i can make it happen tonight, i'll link back on this post. first sea and story painted some ornaments...this was her lovely green tree with ornaments seconds before she swirled her brush and combined all the colors...


next they visited the petting zoo...sea was very excited to touch a snake...
sea was also very excited the bunny actually ate the carrot she offered...
story was carrying this little chicken around trying to show him or her to the other children...
here sea and her friend ben were sharing a hug...
story tried to make it through the puppet show but didn't have the 20 minute attention span required...
so he went and helped press apple juice instead...
while i looked around at some booths and munched on sugary treats, sea, story and their friends worked together to dig, create tunnels, castles, projects in the dirt...
sea really loves climbing...we got this little orange mexican dress at the swap meet...
i was having a hard time at this festival today...it was a little chaotic and sea and story wanted to run opposite directions and do their own thing and i wanted to relax, drink coffee, eat, shop or even create my own crafts...really i wanted to rub some samples of relaxing essential oils on my sore muscles and/or get a massage (options to people who had someone else to watch their children)...but then i remembered as much of a hippy chic as i can be, this festival was really intended for children...so i let them dig and explore and climb...

off to see if i can recall 3rd grade...thanks for putting up with my quest to blog every day for nablopomo, record my childhood once a week and still maintain a life (one which i'm quite behind on by the way!) wish me luck at "living" while recording...

community pool

on saturday we had high hopes of a sunny beach day but alas our "june gloom" has extended its foggy, gray, cloudy self through most of the summer...so after i taught sabbath school my husband started researching nearby pools. he came across this one...literally just over a mile on our same street...80% of the members have to live in the surrounding area. when we first moved in 1.5 years ago our realtor told us the wait to get in was several years long so we didn't really look into it. apparently 18 people have given up their membership recently and the director told manuel we could be next on the wait list. so we drove over to check it out. we had to drive back by the address we were given because the little trail down the hill to this pool is hidden (which we loved). so we showed up, took a tour and asked what we needed to do to get on the list. manuel, being the negotiating lawyer he is kept asking enough questions until he talked the director into squeezing us in instead of putting us on the waiting list.

we drove home, slathered on sunscreen and put on our suits, grabbed some snacks and drinks and were back in the pool moments later...we stayed for 4 hours and went there again all day yesterday. i think this pool membership is going to change our lives. we've already met so many people in our community (many of whom send their children to the same school sea will start kindergarten at in the fall) and we feel even more like this is our "home". not to mention how much we all love the water and sun...i told manuel i intend to walk to the pool every day. he intends to incorporate swimming into his workout routine instead of going to the gym after work many days...so we will see more of him and swim together.

tomorrow is our 7 year wedding anniversary so i am spending all day today and tomorrow going through stuff (organizing, throwing out things we don't use, completing projects, etc.) because that is the best gift my husband would want and will be great for our family as well.

blogging brainstorm

if you have found this post (either because i lured you here or accidentally) please read on through my rambles so you can give me some advice! i'm at a blogging cross roads...

i'm not in very many photos. usually this is by design but then there are times when i feel resentful i'm always behind the camera and wish my friends and family would offer to get me in shots (yeah, i know, i can't expect to have it both ways...like usually i don't want to be in photos and then suddenly they should know when i do want to be in them?)...anyway, recently i posted some idyllic photos of sea spinning around in her "ballerina princess fairy" skirt in wonderful sunlight on warm hardwood floors...i had trouble moving past that post which is another (yet related) topic...this was one of the shots my husband took and i love it because i didn't know he was getting me on film (i prefer photojournalistic to posed shots) and sea just looks so into what she is doing, like she doesn't care who is watching her...

i digress...

this morning sometime before 5, my two children decided they are both going through a growth spurt and needed to nurse out of control. usually i am a very heavy sleeper and can whack out my back to accommodate this and then go back to sleep. this morning i was having a fair number of anxiety dreams anyway and after i got the children to sleep around 6:45 i was just UP but in a good, fully energized even without coffee sorta way. so i decided to go with it. i even had strong opinions and questions and analyses (is that how you spell the plural of "analysis"?) on my mind...something worth writing about and the time to do it! wow! a crazy combination i am not familiar with (i know, when my children are off to school and i have oodles of time i will look back and miss the days of them hanging from me and wanting to spend every second with me)

i'm digressing again...i usually do that...in paragraph run-on sentence form...

i'm going to try and put more spaces between my ideas, though...

so maybe i'll start with my questions for you if you don't want to read on through my rambles...answer any or all of them...whichever ones move you or apply to you or you'd like to share your thoughts/experiences...i'm asking new and old bloggers, "big" (active with lots of comments) and small...friends, locals, mommies, random, you name it...so if you read through any comments i do get on this topic, they should be pretty diverse!

1. why do you blog?
2. why did you originally start blogging? have your reasons changed?
3. how often do you blog? does this vary?
4. do you have a routine of any sorts when you make time to blog or just when you have time/are moved to do so?
5. how often do you read other blogs?
6. how do you choose which blogs to read?
7. do you follow any? do you define follow as adding yourself to their list and checking your reader when you are reading blogs in general or do you literally read every post they write?
8. how often do you comment on blogs?
9. how do you "thank" people for commenting on your blog? here are some choices: immediate reply on your blog after their comment; personal e-mail; writing a thank-you on their blog as a comment; commenting on their blog to "indirectly" thank them; none of the above; no thanks
10. do you stay on top of comments? i.e. always thank/comment for a comment for every commenter? does this ever feel insincere and if so how have you solved that?
11. how do you encourage meaningful comments? i.e. i'd like to have friends or at least people who care about me giving me advice or answering questions i have instead of just "cute photo" which is often what i feel like i need to resort to as alluded to in #10
12. do you blog more for yourself (to keep a record of your life, to figure things out) or do you account for what your readers might want to hear about when choosing what to blog about?
13. do you have ongoing themes (mommy, art, photos) or is your blog more random?
14. when you get in a funk and don't feel like blogging (for a LONG time) how do you keep your readers? get back in the mix? catch up with blogs you used to follow?
15. have you ever made a fellow blogger upset and how has that affected you or what happened? i believe i did this one time and i still haven't "researched" it to figure out how/why...i think i inadvertently "un-followed" her when i changed one blog i was following to "private" (i didn't like the content of several of her posts and wasn't sure if i was going to continue following this blog or not)...another theory i have is that she is someone who blogs every day and for while she was my best commenter...literally commenting every post i wrote...though i loved this, i got nervous because i wasn't sure if i was supposed to do the same with her and i didn't want to leave insincere comments just to comment
16. do you list blogs you follow on your blog? i've really wanted to spread the love this way but worry what if i only kinda like some of these or these bloggers stop blogging regularly and what about all the other blogs i kinda follow and won't those people feel left out? i feel like my favorite blogs are often "big" already and don't need any extra love spreading and though these blogs say something about me and i don't mind directing readers there, i'd rather list friends or smaller blogs but these people can sometimes go months between posts? how do you balance all these things?
17. i'm already over this topic so i suppose i can't expect you to read and respond to more than 17 questions...maybe when you comment below you could just summarize your blogging journey, include some experiences with my questions and then share where you are at now? or just answer one or two of my questions...any other advice/opinions you have?

i started this blog shortly before story was born...it was almost entirely for myself, to get down my anxiety about "waiting" for him to arrive and the unknown of having two children. i was fortunate to have a supportive mommy group who commented regularly and gave me advice and i didn't realize that isn't something that just happens with blogs. so i should have nurtured those commenters (not just as friends, but on their blogs as well)...now i think very few of my local friends even read my blog so it is kind of strange to have strangers know more about me in some ways? how do you feel about that?

my husband is up and now frustrated because the house is messy and we have a lot to do this morning and i'm looking at it like i have "free" time before my alarm was going to go off and before the kids wake up...but these parenting/relationship issues are for another post for sure! anyway, i'd love your feedback and hopefully i'll get to visit a bunch of blogs tonight to recruite comments! thanks for dropping by and being part of my blogging community!

clean up

these aren't really photos of my children cleaning up (i don't think i have a fast enough shutter speed to catch when that happens...j/k) just playing blocks together...i wanted to get in a quick post because i anticipate tonight we will have a low key family night and/or clean up (go through drawers, files, cupboards, etc) so i thought this would be an appropriate quick topic and free me up to not come up with something more meaningful tonight...

on an unrelated note...i have committed to going on a "brisk" walk every morning when i first wake up...today was my first day and it felt great!

so now i will leave humming "clean up, clean up...every body every where....clean up, clean up, everybody do their share..."...oh, one slightly related thing is people who applied to kindergartens are starting to find out...san diego cooperative charter in particular...they are big on educating children as part of something "whole", outside of themselves, part of a community, etc. so i just thought about the idea of participating in that education both in school and at home...of course we haven't found out if we got in there...

sea is riding round and round and round and round more times than i can type....trike around a couch in our front room...story is nursing and playing with my other milkey...waiting for daddy so we can go get some dinner...
ooh i love these kids...and the dots and colors, too...

toes

so i was in the car headed to my mom's house...to attend mom's network...a meeting at my mom's church that includes lots of yummy potluck food (homemade muffins, egg casseroles, crepes, you name it), free child care for 3 hours (!!!), a devotion, book reviews and give aways (i've won two books the times i've gone) and then a main speaker. but it was pouring down rain...poor visibility, dark, and i was a little tired. so i turned around and came home (very unlike me...i guess when you become a mom even if you are naturally spontaneous safety takes precedence)...sea was shocked...sure i made a mistake and i would keep going to "mimi's house"...story fell asleep before we turned off my street (no nap today)...so as we were driving home sea said "mommy? how come you sing 'hit the road jack, don't you come back...' and you are coming back?" which made me chuckle...this is a short post because i just sent out an evite for our birthday brunch (potluck style) this coming monday (manuel's birthday is friday and mine is monday...day after valentine's day...long weekend...i'll be curious to see who makes it) and i am in full gear trying to at least pick a date and venue for my 20 year reunion...so i leave you with my children's adorable toes...if you love the photo as much as i do you HAVE to click on the short video to watch me nibbling on both of their toes...story has an infectious laugh...

day 36 blog 36 first day of 2nd year of preschool

ok so this first photo isn't the best angle but sea was literally running out the door to let the first friend in...SO excited about starting school again...for those of you who do not know, i am part of a wonderful community of passionate and talented mommies and their children in a co-op preschool. we've been going for just over a year now and i should do an entire post on how it started, what our vision/ideals were and how they have evolved...but if i start on that i won't get to all these photos i posted from wednesday's "first" back to school themed class...so i'm going to let the photos do most of the talking and just supplement with what we did...here is sea literally biting her lip/fingers etc. with anticipation...you can see the easel, patchwork blanket for circle time and school related toys in the background:
more excitement before ru even made it in the door...
sea pointing to the welcome back to school sign she helped make...
story out of focus but so, so happy himself...
welcome back to school sign...sea made glasses and signed her name...colored herself orange...
i try to minimize tv/videos but let them watch a richard scarry (yes, old school, from the 70's and my childhood) video on the ABC's...miss honey the teacher leading huckle, lowly...oh and the quilt they are sitting on was made out of my dad's old shirts and neckties...
front view of ru and sea mesmerized by tv...
ella's new baby sister violet only a few weeks old...
ella packing a lunch...the three girls each filled their own lunch boxes even though we ate together...
gabe playing doctor with his mom...
right before everyone left i tried to get a group photo of the older kids holding letter books with the first letter of their names...i've included several attempts at getting them all to look at me...



finally, since i got very few photos of the actual bulk of what we did in preschool, i took some of the props after the fact...so to summarize, char came over early to cook her tasty indian fare while ru, sea and story watched the video...then once the rest of the group started arriving we sang our welcome song in a circle...then read books about going back to school...dr. seuss' abc book...asked them questions about what people do at school...here are some of the props...a backpack, school bus, coloring pages, crayons, books, playground, lunch box...
a close up of the coloring pages...school, bus, playground, lunchtime...
sea liked driving the kids in the bus...giving each of them a book to read...
this was the picture book we used to ask the kids about different aspects of school...
school means so many different things to different people...i'll have to do a future post on my ideals for kindergarten for sea...i haven't given up on the idea of homeschooling, either...

thanks to my coop friends and family for making last year so memorable...looking forward to blogging regularly about what we are learning, unlearning, creating, experiencing together...

day 31 blog 31 fruit tart

i've loved sugar since an early age...this was possibly me with my first birthday cake? so no, not the fruit tart...just wanted to do a quick follow up post...i went four solid days without any high fat, dairy, sugary, fried or overly carbed out foods until last night my neighbor julie had a sky show party at her house and one of her friends brought a yummy fruit tart. imagine light, buttery, flaky crust, a layer of dark chocolate, creamy vanilla custard of some sort and lots of fresh fruit like strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, peaches...i swore i had a photo of one of these from back in the day...anyway, i had two solid pieces...and then had a large chai latte today with my dear friend that visited from out of town (more about her and her creative writing that inspires me later)...but back to the fruit tart...this reminded me of fond memories of college and afterwards in the napa valley. saint helena is possibly one of my favorite little towns in the world. very quaint, small community, gorgeous yet simple craftsman and victorian homes, lots of trees, flowers, bright yellow mustard growing between rows and rows of grape vines...i can do a napa valley post with photos later...anyway, the model bakery is my favorite bakery in the world (ok, i haven't quite made it everywhere, but in my travels)...intimate, personal, friendly close-knit community hang-out along with delicious food...great variety, fresh local and seasonal ingredients...not cheap, though...anyway, i'm going to try to go back to not eating sugar, fat and limited dairy (yogurt) for a little longer but just wanted to report on my slip up...

day 16 blog 17 flower child

i swear i have so much on my mind right now i can't decide what to write about...so this will truly be a "free association" if ever my writing style embodies that idea (check out my labels and i'm pretty sure i put that for most of my posts)...mainly i'm just really tired. should be in bed. but when my mind is racing and i want to be writing (or recently, blogging) i can't slow down my mind to sleep so i just get anxious or feel like i need to make lists of the ideas or things i should or want to do...

i'm rambling more than usual...feel like i drank too much caffeine only i actually had none today...am even trying to cut back on sugar...so one topic i hope to blog about soon is my health...i've started exercising (which is HUGE for me...never been a consistent or big part of my life). regularly. aerobically. so i feel something. and in the two weeks i've been doing this i've felt better. physically. emotionally. maybe even less tired. but that is a stretch. my first health intervention should be to get more sleep. next would be nutrition. overall i eat well but there are several food items i could really cut out. most of them are sugary.

oh yeah, the photo and blog title are "flower child"...that is where my free association began...i was raised in a conservative (religious and political) community with a lot of emphasis on appearances, material possessions, money, "success" etc. and i always felt misunderstood and like i didn't fit in. then in college one of my psychology professors made an off hand remark like "you really are a lost flower child at heart" and some time after that i started "finding" myself...making friends with more "hippy" types...i could do another blog on what i mean by that...my husband immediately thinks of drugs, but that isn't what i mean...heck, one of my friends (also one of my favorite blogs that i follow) has a blog called wannabehippie...i'll do a post on her one of these days...

but for now i wanted to go back to the flower child idea. free spirit. not caring what people think. living for higher ideals. searching for meaning. making a difference in the world. living with less. relishing in simple pleasures. getting in touch with the earth. going outside a lot (my exercising, by the way, has been taking long brisk walks, deep breathing and spurts of aerobic "jogging"). sun on my face. going to the beach (tomorrow will be the third day in the row...and i mean we have been going ALL day)...heck, we named our daughter "sea" and our son "story"...i have so many stories to tell of our life by the sea...i could have made my blog title something related to those two concepts only i started this blog before story was born. if we had had another girl we were going to name her elivia with the nickname "live"...not "liv" but the idea of living...

so i'm a flower child at heart. my daughter appears to be, too...i think we kinda look like one another in this photo. i can relate with her on a lot and am afraid to relate with her too much. afraid to project my hopes and create her in a way that doesn't allow her to truly be who she is. because i felt like the community i grew up in didn't allow me to be myself. didn't understand me. didn't encourage me to be different.

so my identity development and psychology background and over-analysis of life and my thesis on self-concept, meaning in life, integrity, happiness, life satisfaction, etc. are all topics for a future post...

for now i just want to "be" in more moments with my family...literally pick daisies together and metaphorically skip through tulips (or literally if you have some...)...because my children are growing up so fast...

day 12 blog 13 balancing capturing life with experiencing it

i think this is an appropriate post to have no photo...one of the local san diego mommy blogs i follow, enviromama, recently addressed the topic of appreciating and experiencing life and moments with our children instead of trying to capture it on film or write about it...you should read her specific example of this...click on the link and then scroll down to the post "struggling to hold on"...she has a meaningful post about the pain of losing her dad and a fun and creative post about a fairy luncheon just before this post...of course i can relate with the loss of my own dad and the attempts to do creative things for our children...if you read through her past posts you'll see that she also believes in "attachment parenting"...she hasn't told me this herself nor used this term per se, but it is just sort of a general style of parenting i fell in to and many of my "hippie" type (minus the drugs....that is what my husband thinks of when i refer to myself as hippie) also adhere to...besides being very child focused, some of the other big principles that throw me in this category include extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping (we are all in one big family bed), and being health focused (in my case: vegetarian, we try to eat organic, grow our own garden, yoga, limited or spread out vaccines, etc). i really didn't mean to go off on that tangent, but thought about some of jen's values in her blog...

ADDED: today i reached in the back seat of my car for my ergo and realized i had thrown it in the wash before i left for my mom's house! how could i forget about the attachment parenting style of "baby wearing" or literally having small children attached to you...i use this particular wrap every day with story and it goes up to 65 lbs so sometimes i even carry sea in it...there are a lot of other great wraps out there i could promote (and used)...one of my close friends even makes them...so more on that another time..

anyway, check jen's site out...i'm going to promote a few more friend's blogs later this week...for now, i'm off to "be" with my children without capturing it in photos or writing about it...share your stories of doing the same!

day 2 blog 4 blogging questions and grace

minutes after sea met story for the first time...she is angry and hurt...confused about sharing her world with a new little brother. i am exhausted before i even realize the full meaning of the word but ecstatic at the same time...i got the natural birth i hoped for but more importantly have two healthy children who i love more than i am able to express in words and if i were to try and express this love in actions they would be squeezed to their demise...

so i have loads and loads of material to write about and never enough time. i am happy that i choose to live life and be in the moment with my children when they are awake but i am constantly tired and with this new commitment to blog every day until the end of the year, well...i'm looking for shortcuts. i need to do an entire post on my blogging identity...why i blog, where this blog is leading me, what i've gotten from other bloggers and mommies and what i want to share...

but like i said, that will have to be another post. this post was supposed to be about blogging etiquette and i have a neighbor whose blog i will share (again, in another post) later who photocopied specific tips for me...specifically i am still really learning about my place in cyberspace and allowing others in, joining the community etc. but as many things in my mommy world, even my original intent in this post has now changed...

i need to know how to do a few things if any of you power bloggers, or people who have blogged for awhile, or smart individuals who spent more time figuring these things out can comment to help me out:

1) how do i see how many people are following my blog? is this per post or just the blog in general? i really didn't want to care about this...i have had this blog for almost 2 years and never checked this because i don't want to have that information effect what/when/how i post but one of my power blogger friends asked me to check this before she tells others about my site so she can see how many people checked it out

2) how do i easily thank people for comments? sometimes i am sent to their blog, their profile or just more info about them but no e-mail address to quickly shout out a thanks...i would rather go to them than just comment beneath each comment

3) what are the pros/cons of following people publicly? i would like to let bloggers i follow know i am following them and beyond just commenting on posts i like i am happy to have my photo/profile under "followers" or something if i can figure that out...i just tried to add this to my blog but don't have any followers yet...do any of you use this/know a better way to let people know you appreciate their site?

4) what are things you love about blogging/your blog etc. have learned in the process that you would pass on to others new to blogging?

5) what are things that you would do differently? regret doing? advice you would give to avoid problems?

6) i have about 40 more questions that will have to wait because i'm losing my train of thought and consumed with the idea of grace and how i may run out of time to talk about it and i can find answers to these basic blogging questions later as grace is a much bigger issue...

anyway, a couple posts ago i was frustrated (and a little humored) with both children who could get in to so much trouble in such a short amount of time...after typing up a very quick post on what i thought would get most readers to chuckle or feel just a wee bit sorry for me, instead a blogger i do not know (will have to ask her how she found me) named amanda commented something like "you are more than blessed"...recently my power blogger friend was telling me how you can link back to people who comment and so i clicked on amanda's name trying to learn more about her...i love her blog in general and could comment more on that later, too, but specifically i wanted to leave you with a link to a post she did on grace because i really think i could use a different perspective in my approach to parenting...especially when i'm frustrated.

so bring on your comments and suggestions and regrets and take the extra moment to check out a post on grace...especially if you find yourself easily frustrated with your children...i definitely need to focus on appreciating them more and remember that i AM more than blessed...

missed opportunities and the loss of mj

stories of michael jackson's death and life and effect on the world were swirling on our television last night. i had a sense of shared sadness...being part of something bigger than myself... similar to how i felt when i found out that princess diana had died. the sense that many people could relate with one another over a loss of someone they didn't know personally but somehow impacted their lives. i could free associate about mj...the king of pop influenced my generation in many ways and i have my own memories of his music at key points in my developmental years. but i suppose on a grander scale i am sad more personally for him. he fought so many demons and i felt like he had a good heart and wanted to give to others what he himself couldn't achieve. mostly i can relate with how misunderstood he felt and am sad he may not have achieved resolution in fundamental aspects of his life. this is yet another reminder to me to not miss opportunities to clean out my own skeletons and focus on those i care most about. i love this photo of my family...m watching the mj coverage, sea snuggling up to him and story laughing on his back oblivious...

book club, the glass castle and blank pages

i believe my very first post on here was title "blank pages" or something like that...the idea being that although i have kept a journal since i was 8, i have ALWAYS left a lot of blank space...like i can never fill the pages with enough of my life, or need to go back and supplement or other things are more important that aren't being said...i think i would have been a writer for a career if i didn't still have this problem...i'm better at the stuff that isn't said than what i actually commit to getting down...or i'm better at editing other people's stuff (can find typos, spelling, grammar issues in others' work i miss in my own free association writing because i'm so self-absorbed i think every word i write is important somehow or at least a part of me...and having identity issues most of my life i keep writing hoping to figure them out...) oh no, i think i'm going to use every label i've ever used in this post...and it is supposed to be commentary on the first book i have read for a book club i joined last year! ha! yes, i'm behind on life...but making myself blog on this because:
1) i LOVE reading
2) i love analyzing what i read even if no one wants to know what i think
3) i am excited about this book club and want to be involved at some point so this is my indirect way of being involved in the meantime
4) i have wonderful memories of a very active book club i belonged to that met once a month in the bay area...i would drive there from sacramento and had memorable discussions, yummy homemade food, lots of drinks and fond single social encounters meeting like-minded women

so off to the book itself before my children wake up...oh, one more disclaimer...i am writing this review mainly to get discussions going and not because i think i'm a better writer or have any professional level critiquing ability...i always read books through the eyes of "what did i like, what didn't i like, what would i do the same, what would i do differently" so i'll try to throw that in somewhere...

the book is the glass castle by jeannette walls...one more disclaimer...it is important to me to have as few biases as possible before writing a critique so i have not read these discussion questions listed here with the link...or any reviews of the book for that matter...so i will get to them after i write my review...

i guess i'll begin by saying i liked the book...i kept reading to find out more, see what happened, etc...although i had many questions that were never answered. it could be argued that is a sign of a good writer that she kept me thinking/asking/wondering so now i can discuss this with others...but on some level i felt like i was missing HER...like she was a good story teller and i got a lot of details of her life in this memoir (oh yeah, i failed to mention this is a memoir...my favorite type of book to read and what i hope to write some day if i determine my life is interesting enough or at least my telling of my uninteresting life can be interesting enough to someone) but i wanted more of her...how she felt...how her life affected her...my psychology background kicked in to analyze that her detached stance was probably a coping mechanism so she didn't have to feel how painful many of these memories were for her...my writing side said perhaps she wrote in a neutral way so readers could project their own feelings/experiences onto her writing...but either way it didn't completely work for me...i came out feeling like overall i couldn't relate (if i get to the subject matter most of you would agree i probably shouldn't be able to relate but my point is that i think a good writer helps readers relate with SOMETHING even if it is just an idea and not their life)...

my son just woke up and said "mung-gey" and pointed...so i'm taking a break to see what that means...more to follow...he is now down for a nap...

i haven't even re-read what i wrote but i know it started out negative, and that was not my intent...so let me begin again by saying the author came from unfathomable circumstances...poverty, alcoholism, homelessness...i must commend her for not taking a "poor me" stance but instead just providing the details for the reader to interpret. in many ways i found myself appreciating that about her writing style even though i wanted more of her in there...how did she feel? how did her past affect her future or her present for that matter? i did like a few tie-ins like how her dad gave her a star for xmas as a kid (she chose venus) and then at the end of the book she refers back to "city lights obscured the stars...but i could see venus on the horizon"...in many ways i felt her story was one of hope; that despite many horrible circumstances, she was able to see the silver lining, still have faith in her father and in life and her potential...

actually, i said how i couldn't relate with much of the book but when she was defending her parents' homelessness and lifestyle (if even to herself) i could relate with trying to defend my differences...i've often felt misunderstood and i liked that she had at least come to terms with herself and was able to integrate any dysfunction in to who she is today instead of rejecting her past.

also, i found myself relating with her mom more than i wanted to...she seemed rather self-absorbed in many ways (when jeannette left west virginia to go to school in new york she said "i'm not upset because i'll miss you...i'm upset because you get to go to new york and i'm stuck here. it's not fair") and obsessed with her artwork and being her own free spirit. it was actually refreshing for me to look at her affect on jeannette to imagine how some of my whims and need to be who i am can be at others' expense...i could also relate with how she could be an inspiring, creative, awesome teacher on one hand and hate the structure and discipline and boundaries required to complete the job. i've often wished i could do something like that "on-call" instead of having to be there every day...

i'm off to nurse story back down for another sleep cycle...and sleep with him...more later...

ok, slept almost an hour!!! unheard of in my life as of late...before i went to sleep i said "irony, perspective and glass castle" as key words to write in my review...now that i'm back from some yummy vietnamese food at a dong (one of my favorite restaurants when visiting my mom's house) i'd really rather just go to bed but sea is going strong playing with my vintage fisher price doll house from when i was her age in the 70's...ok this free association is getting ridiculous and way off point...i'm sorry, i just don't feel like searching through the book for examples of my points...

i enjoyed her use of irony through much of the book...like how her parents pulled her out of the hospital because they felt they could take better care of her even though she was in there originally because they allowed her to cook hot dogs by herself at the age of three and she caught on fire...

and for the idea of perspective...even though i couldn't relate with much of what she wrote about, it gave me perspective in the sense that i worry about things like what type of plastic my children drink out of while she grew up in a home with water leaking on her head while she slept in a cardboard box and went days on end without eating...so, um, yeah, i need to worry less...

i'm not nearly as interested in my review of this book as i was idealizing this first book and the book club so i'm going to cut to the chase and get to one of my favorite parts of the book...the title..."the glass castle"...i loved that her dad had drawn up and frequently shared with her his ever changing and elaborate plans to someday build a glass castle for their family. it signified hope for her and showed her belief in him that she humored him about it for so long...i'm tired; my words are jumbling together and i don't really care about what i'm writing about even though i'm trying to finish this review before book club on friday...so if i have more energy and time tomorrow i will write more...

mommy's happy day

i'm out at my mom's house because we spent mother's day with my in-laws and i wanted to come spend a little time with my mom and hay-no (neighbor lady named hazelle that i grew up with)...so i have no photos to support this post yet...but sea was referring to mother's day as mommy's happy day and i wanted to record that idea...

the day of we woke up earlier than i had planned but we were all excited to rush off to the ramate (ethnic pronunciation and incorrect spelling i'm sure) or flea market at ventura community college...got lots of fun things like socks, beach hats, kid's clothes and flip flops, a new skirt...ate snacks, walked around, sea rode on a pony...then we met our family for brunch that wasn't chaotic!! i have to add that because after waiting tables for 16 years and working nearly every mother's day brunch i swore i would never go out on that holiday myself. afterwards we hit up my favorite thrift store in oxnard...the one where i ALWAYS find something and was not let down...a tomato red skirt, new with tags...then off to play with the cousins...we ate some vegetarian menudo, got a super sweet iced coffee drink to share on the drive home and "hit the road, jack" as sea was singing...the children fell asleep immediately as i knew they would and manuel and i got to just talk about our lives and families and have quiet time with just the two of us...NICE mommy's happy day...trust yours was, too...i need an entire separate post on all the wonderful mommies in my life...which i suppose would be particularly appropriate on this blog dedicated to mommy journies...

out of the haze

here's to hoping sea and the thoughts of time spent at the beach (this shot taken a couple of weeks ago on the first day of spring in coronado) can take me to a new place...

i have several friends who want me to confirm them on facebook...i usually include this blog in my reply and realized my past few blogs have been rather glum...the update i was going to do a week ago would have been "loss magnified" about the 14 people who crashed in montana. i went to school with almost all of them...7 of them were children 10 and under...was closest with the middle sister who didn't die and will most likely be heading to puc for the memorial this weekend (8.5 hour drive each way)...i guess 3000 people attended one of the first services so it is obviously affecting a lot of people...my sister was roommates in college with one girl who died...this same girl was friends with one of my good friends in st. helena...the friday before the plane went down the boy who died was comforting my friend's youngest son "your mommy will be back soon"...makes me think of my little coop preschool and losing a whole family out of my life...

anyway, i've been trying to "move past" this news but it colors so much...today it is cloudy out, we woke up late, children are still sick, i put on "johnny cash" on pandora which has been a lot of sad tunes...the gambler is on right now..."know when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away, when to run..." i read a lot of philosophy in to music...drinking lukewarm french press coffee surrounded by too many dishes and messes literal and symbolic...

then a friend IM'd me to see how i was doing and she helped get me out of my rut of negativity
...focus on getting our kids together to play...

so i'm choosing to focus on life and living...kids playing in their new playhouse and watering all the things that don't need to be watered...off to help my garden thrive and hope our family can, too...

happy 2nd birthday ro

i'm going for several brief blogs here cuz i'm so behind...today we attended a birthday party of a 2-year-old from one of the playgroups i'm in...sea had fun with the fire truck pinata, singing happy birthday, playing in the park and of course way too many delicious homemade (and vegan!) cupcakes...oh, and story enjoyed picking daisies...

birthday brunch, bursting baking and blessings

photos to follow when i can be on my computer and not manuel's laptop in the bathroom while sea takes a bath (the rest of my family is sleeping)...so yesterday was my birthday. it seemed much different for some reason. usually i get all analytical, reflecting on past years, dreaming about the future, trying to figure out where i'm "at" each year around my birthday (more so even than new years resolutions)...but this year my birthday just came and i celebrated it and life is moving on the way i suppose it should...i wanted to briefly blog on the topic along with all my other "b" ideas...

first of all, i feel badly that many of my recent san diego friends, friends from playgroup, blogging friends, etc. were not invited to our joint birthday party (manuel's birthday was feb 12). see, i just didn't feel we could handle a group of 100 or so people in our new home...we still have so much to unpack, little furniture to sit in, it is freezing cold in our house most of the time, etc. so instead of inviting just a few of my closest playgroup friends (you know who you are) and offending others in the playgroup i don't know as well (i would have wanted to invite the whole playgroup), i just stuck with people in the coop preschool and friends i had made in san diego before playgroup. i still feel badly about this decision and think next time i'll err on just having too many people...but that said, with trying to keep the list small, we still had close to 40 people in our home yesterday for birthday brunch.

it was potluck style so we had everything from traditional indian food (including a cream of wheat cereal with chai like spices and homemade chai) to homemade coffee cake from a friend with a wonderful website with her own recipes (link will have to come later) that are gluten free, to fruit salad, pastries from whole foods, homemade quiche, breakfast potatoes, cinnamon rolls...fresh squeezed orange and grapefruit juice (both from our neighbors' yards)...i may have to finish this list later as sea is ready to get out of the bath...

i just wanted to share one very noteworthy part of the day...an hour and a half in, when most people had arrived, manuel and i were talking about whether we should go ahead and have a blessing for the food (knowing some friends are not religious and/or might be uncomfortable)...i had just told my one friend who is pregnant to come out of the kitchen and just as we were introducing ourselves and everyone was learning how we knew one another, there was a huge explosion with glass literally flying 10 feet ...the egg fritatta dish that had just come out of the oven was not meant to be put on a hot burner (my poor decision) and the entire lasagne size glass pan blew all over our kitchen...i shudder to think if anyone had been in there...and there were so many children, too! so truly i feel so blessed that we have God taking care of us and that i went with my intuition to bless the food...and our friends...i am blessed in so many ways...

our moment in history

there are so many things i'm behind on blogging about but i had to capture this moment in history...9 a.m. our time obama being sworn in live on t.v...i actually got all 3 of us looking at the camera and obama behind us...of course i wish it was closer up but i'm happy i shared this historical moment with my children.

i called my east coast relatives to hear what it is like living so close...also, my favorite psychology professor in college, aubyn fulton, is there now...i'm looking forward to hearing what it was like to be there in person...

we just ate pancakes and now i'm getting ready for coop preschool where the kids will have their own parade during the parade in washington...

wish my dad could be here to shake both thumbs up in the air and say "ah---NAW...can you believe it? we'll never forget this moment for the rest of our lives..."sorry, i had to throw in one last photo...