dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

the start of summer break at mimi and angee's

 it has been nearly 2 months since i wrote in this blog. i'm very aware of this. i have wanted to write several posts...several times...a couple related to just relaxing at the neighborhood pool (but i was enjoying relaxing there more than reporting about it)...one entitled "breathe" where i literally just remembered to slow down enough to take full breaths...this one when i was caught in the middle of coordinating the last couple days parties/gifts in sea's 1st grade class...hibiscus flowering plant with personal notes and money from the parents, photo album with personal notes from each student and a photo of each of them with their teacher, making food for the farewell luau, making gluten-free cupcakes for the summer birthday celebration, etc. room mom jobs i both enjoyed and am glad to have a break from...many, many more missed blog posts that have blended together into experiences that may or may not be memories...

but i'm ok with "losing" some of these because in some ways i feel like i've gained more from being there, in the moment, engaged, active, appreciating the present and not capturing it in any way or analyzing it or trying to make it mean something or fit into something...just allowing the mundane and meaningful moments of my life to be solely what they are and be present to experience them...

i'm out visiting my mom and sis in the home i grew up in. it is in the high 90's here and i left perfect low 70's weather back in san diego but again, i'm appreciating what i've gained out here...time to connect with family (immediate and extended)...time for cousins to play together (sea, story, chloe and seven had a blast in the pool together yesterday...story helped "milk the baby"...feeding baby clara out of a bottle...he said he was an expert at it)...time to hear about my cousin ally's time spent living in spain...appreciate photos of her trip...sea and story were full of questions about the biggest church, statue, etc. and this lead to wanting to record a story about the statue of liberty on my sister's phone...

...the photo above was taken by my sister a couple of years ago...taken from the glider on the back patio...i joined her just rocking together, sipping peligrino, enjoying the breezes passing through and watching the children "plant" the sunflower seeds out of the bird food...then cherry pits for cherry trees, apricot trees, etc. and sea in all seriousness asked her auntie to please take care of her garden while she was gone. she went so far as to make a list of "how to do my garden" so they could properly care for the seeds.

the photo below was taken at the redland's market night a couple years ago...so sea was only four and a half (story's age now)...we are going there again tomorrow night...i love the glee on her face...one of my summer goals this year is to have very few goals/plans other than engaging with my children and following their lead to see where their joy and natural curiosity leads us...(this morning story wanted to "walk to the cemetery to visit granddaddy"...on the way we saw a family of california quail following one another in a line...later we saw a roadrunner sprinting across the street and gobbling up some 4 legged creature)...

 this photo was also taken a couple years ago...story is only 2...but i liked his happiness with my sister marci and vice versa...

 this is the gleeful smile of story probably sneaking some forbidden food item (there has been a lot of that this trip...i am partially to blame because i've been enjoying treats myself and been lax on being at grandma's house)...

 here we are at A dong, a standard dinner when we visit...thai food, mom and pop joint, we know the owner and his daughters, usually order the same things (way too much so we will have leftovers)...i like how sea is reflected in the light...timeless...also, that she has pen poised...love that she is such a little writer...creates stories with words and drawings...will choose to do this over most other activities...

i also love that she will just sit down and play the piano...this seems unrelated but piano will forever remind me of childhood and specifically my mother...she could have been a concert pianist...very talented in her skills and the emotion she could show through her touch on the keys...she also was desperate for her daughters to have skills on the piano and though my sister and i both loved music we fought the process...so i was adamant that sea's piano teacher make the intrinsic enjoyment of playing the piano her number one goal...sea has taught herself so much just WANTING to play instead of feeling like she is "practicing"...it is on her terms, and just like learning to swim and ride a bike, this is what she needed to shine...

 my sister took some sunset photos of us out on the same patio i started this blog post (this one was taken some other time...all these photos in fact were off my sister's laptop since i didn't bring any cords to upload my own...so they are not in real time, just representations of ideas)...sea snugged in close, cheek to cheek, i could feel her breathing...story on my knee...i'm very aware they will soon be too big to both "fit" on my lap for photos...they are outside in the twilight "gardening" and watering...i loved watching my mom read to them both with her many years of 1st grade teaching voices coming through all the characters...and plenty of drama...i'm not sure what made me think of this but sea was very serious about bringing mimi a new wooden doll for her dollhouse (the mommy doll had gotten lost)...she was so proud of herself for completing the family...and i was extra touched by the fact that she noticed the mom was slightly taller than the dad doll (i don't think she planned that part)...

 finally, the children have been spreading bird food (which usually goes into this bird feeder below)...just as they spread love to all the people in their little lives...

last night sea went to bed at almost 1 in the morning...she was reading all her early reader books mimi had bought her and i was going to let her read herself to sleep (while i myself was already asleep) but then after awhile she changed her mind and pulled up the blinds...she wanted to look out over the night sky and the beautiful city (that isn't the word that comes to my mind to describe the inland empire! but maybe to my childhood eyes)...and she literally was just staring out at the lights...she invited me to join her and i regret i was too tired and instead lured her back to sleep...back to my commitment to follow my children's lead on appreciating the little things in life...we have one more day here with mimi and angee and then most of the summer still ahead of us :)

sea and story are now "gardening" in the dark...with my mom...their mimi...they are chatting it up, teaching her the things they are learning about life or all that they know such as their great plans for what will grow and the signs to be careful and how to water and how to care...sea is now calling me to show me something secret in the living room...mimi is headed in there to help sea with her piano...we can all learn from one another...every time i wrap up this post more comes at me to remember or record...story is recording on angee's phone "hi, i am story and i love angee"...he is giggling in an infectious way only a 4-year-old can...sea is getting frustrated with my mom for controlling the way she should learn or play the piano and i am having flashbacks to childhood...but this visit is only for a few days and soon we will be back to our own routines so i am enjoying it for what it is...

halloween playdate chaos, restless lack of sleep, etc.

if i could post the photos from any given day's post the next day i think i'd be able to blog daily...i usually have at least a little i have time to write about...but to upload the photos and then go through them to pick some for the post...not so much...today i hosted a halloween playdate at my house. it was for the younger siblings or story-aged children...fabric ghosts, foam pumpkin stickers, pipe cleaner and pom pom spiders...i'm not even sure i took a photo of these crafts...my vision was to put them on a garland in the front window...so tomorrow i'll hope to finish my vision, photograph it and get a photo up...tonight i could NOT get sea to fall asleep...it is 10:30 and she just went to sleep...story started coughing and rolling around like he was going to wake up just as she went to sleep and then kyra chimed in with some barking (frustrated she didn't get to play much today since i left her outside during the playdate)...the playdate was fun...sweet sparkling champagne, coffee, juice, i made gluten-free banana pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, scrambled eggs with pureed spinach and mozzarella cheese that looked like spider webs...everyone brought yummy food for the potluck and it was nice time with kids and moms and chaos...i still have a LOT to clean up...i meant to not let the children play in sea or story's rooms...only bring out a few toys or have them make forts out of blankets or something low maintenance but of course story was excited to show kids toys, zoom around on cars/bikes so i let it go...right now i'm supposed to be getting out an update to sea's class as room mom...so back to what i should be doing with hopes of more of what i'd like to do sometime tomorrow...oh, and i teach art corps for the first time this year in sea's class tomorrow afternoon...

motivation without coffee

i've been seriously lagging today...so much so i couldn't even summons up the energy to find a cool photo of myself with coffee...i try not to be addicted...go 3 and 4 days between to avoid caffeine headaches but i suppose even more importantly so it is a treat and/or WORKS when i need it to...i didn't even have the energy to make coffee today...so tired i'm off to bed...hope to supplement this idea tomorrow...

sea's first night in her own bed

off to bed

i wrote "more later" but later never seems to come these days...i've been going to bed with the kids 8ish...almost 11 hours of sleep last night?! and i'm hoping to train for a 1/2 marathon i'm running (walking?) early february...hoping to start by walking sea and story to school every morning...1 mile each way...of course i had an excuse why that didn't happen today...i just upgraded to be a member at m's gym so we can go in together a couple nights a week and use the kid's club for babysitting...i'm off to bed again...

the long and winding road

three people i love (marc--one of my best friends and later obsessions in college; manuel my best friend after college and to this day...also my husband; and marc's wife, karri, one of my best friends forever....we are kindred spirits and i'm so happy she married marc so we could become friends!)

this morning i woke up with "the long and winding road" song in my head...in my dream i was literally riding on a long and winding road...manuel was driving us and marc was in the front seat...they were both looking at me in the rear-view mirror and and i was leaning forward from the back seat to talk to them...i wish i'd written down the dream as soon as i woke up because now i'm forgetting the details...but i remember the sense of contentment...important pieces of my life coming together in one moment...feeling understood and glad they understood one another...i believe the last part of our conversation i was telling them how they are both such talented writers they should compile their work and get it published...my dream before that had been an anxiety waiting tables dream at brava terrace where marc and i used to work together in college (manuel also worked there at one point but not at the same time as me)...like i was in the weeds with too many tables to keep track of (similar to parenting on many levels) but i eventually pulled through...i got a LOT of sleep last night...i started our bedtime routine just after 7 and was probably asleep by 8...i definitely needed it...

yesterday i felt like i was barely holding on...like i wanted to turn in my mommy card...only i realized i never got one to turn in! i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together. didn't have the patience to deal with even the small things like brushing my children's teeth. and i was so easily frustrated with both of them. usually i can balance that feeling out with all the endearing things my children do and say and are...but i couldn't focus on those important things too caught up in my head congestion, cramps, exhaustion, need to take time to myself...i was thinking if i had to rank the day on a 1-10 scale i would ask for a negative number! but then i realized how dramatic and self-absorbed i was being and decided not to focus on "poor me" but instead just go to bed and hope for a fresh start today! well, it worked. i woke up feeling "resolved" in some way on some fundamental level. i suppose i dreamt about manuel and marc riding along with me because they are two souls i care about who i felt also understood me at some point (manuel still does and marc and i haven't really stayed in touch) and yesterday i was needing some understanding!

off to be productive....halloween photos coming soon...what a difference a day makes! i need to remember this next time my life seems so unbearable...

trying to get story to sleep

that's about it for tonight i'm afraid :( no photo even unless i succeed and can get back up...looking forward to starting a chronicle of my childhood through high school starting on thursday...will write an overview/introduction tomorrow...

time passing by

i'm listening to "time after time"...a song suggested to me just after i started writing this blog post...i apologize that is has been over 2 weeks :( sure way to lose readers and lose touch and lose focus and get stuck in a funk where i have NO motivation to come out and start blogging again...but time does move on and will pass me by whether i jump on and live along or mope in the background...

i do look forward to catching up with you. and sharing my life. and living it again. i've been in a funk coupled with crazy 20 year high school reunion planning (i'm looking for a good 80's song to sing harmony at the reunion...my soprano duet partner suggested time after time by cyndi lauper which i sang very flat back in junior high with my best friend? maybe this is my chance to redeem myself...or maybe this is just a song that i will always sing a little flat and i should look for something else...would love your input)...

i miss hayno dearly. my children don't understand why she is gone from their lives. i don't have really good reasons, either. another friend is in a coma (she was like a second mom to me throughout college...i would drop by and chat, eat, do laundry...her sons were in my class...she still has an open home and i've stayed there several times visiting the area since college). she had brain surgery over a year ago and has like 48 hours left to live. so i'm re-living the feelings i had losing my dad (empathizing with her boys) although it is a little different since they've had time to prepare...not sure if i can say which is worse...both so sad...

and i haven't had the energy to think too much about these things or process my feelings or lack of resolution. on top of all this i've gotten hardly any sleep (sea is going through a growth spurt waking up at 3 a.m.ish wanting a sandwich and story is going through some change--talking a lot more--where he just doesn't want to sleep...naps or at night)...i really didn't want this to be a "woe me" post as i can take responsibility for not blogging and/or just move past the fact that it has been so long and get back into regular posts and get over it already...

i was thinking about some story i heard that went something like "when i was a teen i was dying to drive. when i was 18 i was dying to get married. when i was in my 20's i was dying to have children. when i was in my 30's i was dying to have a better career....etc. and now i am dying and wondering why i forgot to live"...now i'm listening to annie lennox's "why"...such a sad song...reminds me of lonely days right after college and right before i got together with my husband...but just the idea of "why" and how sometimes we just don't understand the whys but we still keep living...

i really do want to focus on my children. be less self-absorbed. realize how fast they are growing up and that sea will start kindergarten in the fall and i want to BE here experiencing life with them in these moments i have before they are as busy as me and off on their own agendas...reminds me of the song "cats in the cradle" by harry chapin carpenter...how the dad never had time for his son and then when the son grew up "i wanna be like you dad" he was the same way...listen to it if you aren't familiar...

on that note, i'm off to cuddle with my children and appreciate life and maybe check into this blog now and then...if not, hopefully i'm embracing them literally and figuratively...thanks for your support and i look forward to connecting in a few weeks...

goodnight

today got away from me...tonight we met some cousins at the redlands market night, got some frozen yogurt and now, after just putting story to sleep close to midnight, i am just now getting sea to sleep...so i didn't drive home to san diego and am no longer taking the walk my dad took to the bay on his last day tomorrow morning...instead i will spend a little time with our 90-year-old neighbor hazelle and maybe swing by my dad's grave before heading home...goodnight...thanks for your love and support...

drawing of sea sleeping in her bed with her kitty

yesterday sea drew this photo of herself in a bed with her kitty and story on the top bunk...i didn't really make any connection at the time...she did end up back in our bed around 3 last night (this morning)...we went to sea's first art class today...i'm so exhausted from tossing and turning and/or not sleeping all night that i can barely get this post down...still owe you many interviews on blogging, my take and my summary on your thoughts...soon, i promise...

sleep sadness

tonight, out of the blue, sea declared "goodnight mommy, goodnight daddy...i'm going to sleep...give me a kiss" and then promptly marched down the hall, turned on her night light, turned off her light, climbed into her own bed, and pulled the covers up to her chin. she was in fact asleep in minutes. noteworthy, if you don't know, because she has spent the past 4 years and 10 months in our bed...with no encouragement from us to sleep elsewhere...we miss you little "ee"!!!

so i know on a logical level this is a good thing and a natural progression...a sign of her independence and security that she could do this so easily...but i can't get over the longing and sadness i feel and i'm not sure what to do with myself :(

needless to say, no rambling and philosophizing on why i blog or others' blogs...sorry to leave you hanging on that...but for this huge milestone in our family's life tonight i really wanted to write on that topic and i still look forward to reading your comments/posts and summarizing/linking them in the near future...

i'm off to bed...to mope and hope she returns part way through...or not...i can't decide which would be easier/better for all of us but there will definitely be a huge gap in our bed tonight :(

mommy stuff, excuses, blogging questions and answers

i took this photo of story nursing on me on the morning of mother's day. i don't think of myself as vain or that self-critical of what i look like, but somehow i just feel and/or look like i'm SO tired and old...that disclaimer aside, i do like how peaceful and attached story looks and i must remind myself that i appreciate that tonight after nursing and re-nursing and then nursing him again so much so that i ran out of milk (?!) i can only think of a few times that has happened...but of course that happened for 2.5 hours tonight as i was thinking of all my answers to yesterday's (too) many questions about blogging...heck, i'm getting stressed just thinking about what all those questions were and i LIKE answering lots of questions so i can see why most commenters stuck with answering one or two...

i find it ironic or perhaps appropriate that not only did i not make it to all my favorite blogs to request feedback on this topic, i didn't even make it to thank those who DID comment...so i'm trying to decide in the few minutes before i should go back to sleep (oh, one of my excuses is that sea is really sick...came down with a fever yesterday and has been listless and moping around all day) if i should try to answer those questions or visit blogs...i'm going to go for thank-yous first and see if i have time for more...if so, i'll edit this post...if not, look for answers to the questions tomorrow or take a second and comment your answers if you haven't already...

missing sleep

i really just wanted to stay in bed tonight after putting my children to sleep...these are close-ups of story sleeping somewhere (car seat?)...he definitely got those sweet lips from his daddy...anyway, i have too much on my mind, too much anxiety, too much to do, not enough sleep, not enough time, not a good balance, etc. etc. disclaimers for why this is all i can bring myself to write tonight. hope to be a better blogger, commenter, mommy, wife, friend, relative, etc. soon...for now i'm missing sleep and headed back there...

looking down, lists and "slippy soup"

i've had ongoing lists running through my mind...haven't had a chance to get them down anywhere where they will get done (and despite this challenge to myself, i can't bring myself to DO something first and then write it on a completed list)...so i remain a slave to lists and circular patterns that hinder productivity...one up side (back to the up theme of may at NABLOPOMO) is i like getting down on this blog all the random things we think about, do, hope to do but never do, minutia i'll likely forget but will be a window into our life at this point in time...

so what is "slippy soup" you may ask? or maybe you figured it out...that is what sea thinks we are saying when we serve her "split pea soup" so we go with it and ask her if she'd like slippy soup...this photo was taken at one of the museums in san francisco on the road trip with my mom in march that we never did get around to blogging about...

this is a totally unrelated idea but i've been free associating a lot in my head and want to get these things down so i can be productive (again, a losing battle cuz i can never get it all down and never have the time to be productive if i do get a lot down)...anyway, the idea that came into my head as i was vacuuming, head down, scanning the hardwood floors for dirt, food, rolly pollies (a lot make it through our open sliding door)...this is a run-on sentence if i've ever seen one! ha! anyway, back to the idea i still haven't relayed to you...the opposite of "looking up" or "looking down"...i do this often in my home in particular...obsessed with having a clean floor...it is a little easier with hardwood than carpet but still a pretty much all day long task...i am not usually all that clean or neat but i joke that my mom thought sweeping the kitchen floor was "spring cleaning" (not really, but it was a low priority to her growing up) and i distinctly remember visiting a neighbor with my mom when i was a little girl and my mom pulled me aside and was whispering in my ear in hushed tones something a long the lines of how neurotic or crazy said neighbor was as she hand washed her floors EVERY DAY and in that moment i determined that i wanted that for myself even if it meant i was crazy...so yeah, that is one of my obsessive cleaning things (i don't have many)...i think psychologically beyond my childhood issues with it i look at clean floors like the clean foundation of all else...like you can have clutter or other things to clean but if the you start with a clean ground you are on the right track...thanks for letting me share this free association on looking down...

now on to my lists...i thought to close this post i would just write out what i had hoped to do this week along with what i've actually done (or not done) so far, to give you an idea of life around here right now...

this past weekend i taught sabbath school and then we went to a birthday party (i hope to do a blog post with photos) for one of the 5-year-old co-op preschool members...sunday we spent ALL DAY at the beach which was lovely and relaxing...so much so that when we came home and got the children bathed and read them bedtime stories, well, we went to sleep with them! that meant sand, wet clothes, picnic baskets, etc. beach stuff needed to be cleaned up the next day...SO...my hopes of making it to a playgroup park day at the park literally down our street didn't happen...neither did my brisk walk...and then a girlfriend called to see if we wanted to meet her and her children (same age as ours) at people's, a health store where we shop and eat healthy vegetarian food together...i thought this would be the motivation i needed to be productive but i just felt overwhelmed, unmotivated and tired all morning...stalled and put off cleaning until it was almost time for story's nap when i was hoping to either sleep with him or have some down time and then i was frustrated the house was such a wreck...on the up side (there's that theme again) the kids played outside in our back yard a LONG time...without throwing rocks on the sidewalk, getting in to the pond, falling over the edge, digging up plants, getting everything but the plants wet...i have all these rules for being outside and i guess they wanted to be out there enough to avoid doing all these things...which was good for me...and them for that matter...i'll have to do a blog post about the mom's network class i attended on the value of the outdoors for children (and people for that matter) and how to get more of it into your life...so, i was happy about that...of course i did end up putting on a video for sea while i slept with story...manuel called in the middle of my nap and i couldn't fall back asleep so i must have done some tidying...

so here we are on tuesday...i had hoped to go to a storytime at a library in coronado that we regularly do on tuesdays...then follow it up with park playtime and a picnic lunch...but again, too much to do...and i really wanted to fit in a walk...so i made them a brief breakfast of bagels, almond butter and honey, bananas...apples...other snacks they could take in the stroller...bribed them with mango popsicles we could buy at the store and they could eat on the way back...manuel had a light morning and came home to be productive for an hour...we cleaned out the hall cupboards and gave away a lot of linens we never use...kids ate lunch and then went outside to play...sea discovered she could fill up a hole with water and slosh in the mud...up her to her chest sitting down...poured it down her hair and back...trouble rinsing off sufficiently made for much more cleaning inside...a bird flew in (twice!) and we moved slowly and directly to urge him/her to fly out the door...story has been napping really long now which means he'll be cranky when he does get up and then up late...but it has been worth it to get these rambling ideas out of my head...sea is drawing stories on typing paper (her favorite medium) with colored markers (her second favorite...she prefers "permanent ink" pens)...i had sea and story talk to their namenee (manuel's mom) on our walk and then auntie missy called awhile back and we caught up on the life of our cousin/niece baby meadow...i'm now stalling going through a lot of paperwork so i should give you a quick summary of the rest of the week and get on that in the moments i have before story wakes up...

the other thing i was going to do today that didn't happen is take the kids to the picture people...if you have one near you, get on their mailing list...you get a free sitting and one free 8 X 10 photo every month or so...we use them for our annual photo of the kids...we've used them since sea was 1...she wore the same pink dress and held the same monkey to compare her growth...i think she can squeeze into this dress this last year (it is a 3T size)...story wore jeans and a white shirt and held a stuffed bunny...if i can figure out how to use my scanner i'll get the age 1, 2 and 3 photos up for sea...

i did pay a couple bills and organize a meals on wheels delivery for a friend that just had a baby...meant to put some beans in a crock pot for cinco de mayo both for this friend's possible meal and co-op preschool. i'm hosting tomorrow and originally we were going to revisit a gardening theme but now i'm going to serve mexican food (and possibly a pitcher of margaritas...just a little for each mom since they have to drive home)...and have the children make mother's day cards. i thought i'd also take a photo of each mom and child to send them as my happy mother's day to them (probably via email since i don't even print out my own photos)...finally i'm going to have the moms switch kids and interview the 4 or 5-year-olds things about their mommy...i did this last year this time when sea was 3 and the answers are funny...maybe i'll do a post comparing 3 and 4...so that basically fills up my wednesday plans (except for running by the nursery for some gardening supplies...maybe little pots, soil and seeds to have the children grow a flower of some sort for mom? i was also going to have them make little 3 X 5 cards that say "sea's sunflower" and have them draw a picture of what is supposed to grow...but i know these won't make it onto popsicle sticks and/or get laminated...)

can you tell i'm back to drinking coffee? :)

we are going to a children's culinary class at a friend's house on thursday. last time we made pizzas and i can't remember what she is going to have them cook/create this week...

friday is typically my cleaning, car washing, laundry, groceries, etc. get ready for the weekend day and then we are leaving for ventura to spend mother's day with my in-laws and the little cousins...

i must make myself go now to be productive but thank you for allowing me this true "journaling" experience that someday hopefully will be interesting to myself or my children about our lives...

story's second birthday party

the first guest arrived about 10 and the last left around 6...we are exhausted so i will do a photo tour of story's party tomorrow...off to bed...

reunion brainstorm and generalized anxiety

this photo was taken december, 2006, a few months after my dad passed away. i was wearing a "virginia is for lovers" shirt that was either his when he was younger or he got on a trip there (he grew up in virginia and we visited there every summer when i was growing up) and so that was a nice tribute to him coupled with the red/green color combo for the holidays (a photo from this series was used for our holiday card in 2006...you can see downtown san diego in the background and the harbor to the right). this photo was taken on shelter island...or actually, on harbor island, which is where he thought shelter island was. he always talked about taking a walk there, to appreciate the view, the harbor, the sailboats...and when he came to visit us i always intended to do this for him and everyone else's needs always got put before my dad's (he liked it this way...and he had walked on this island many times, just wanted us to experience it with him)...anyway, i didn't mean to free associate back to him and the loss and my sadness and longing but well, i guess i'm feeling emotionally unstable and anxious so it makes sense that i would free associate back there.

i actually chose this photo for this post because i'm spent most of the morning researching venues for our 20 year high school reunion and one of the spots is on this island. i went to high school 1.5 hours northeast of san diego but the committee wants to check out san diego and orange county beaches as more of a "destination" celebration instead of the smoggy, hot, densely populated area that is the inland empire (where i went to school). i'm torn. i think people coming back to the place where they went to school might actually want to visit said school, remember places they went, see how the area has changed, go to church at the local church (i went to a private christian school), visit family still in the area, use said family for child care...these are the pros to the inland empire (IE) but i can see the pros to san diego (SD)...mild climate when it is in the 90's or 100's in the IE, clear blue instead of smoggy skies, beaches everywhere, the zoo, cultural things to see and do, etc. that is san diego so people traveling could make more of a family vacation of the reunion and justify the costs to get out here....what do you think? would you want to go back to an undesirable area where you went to school or somewhere a couple hours away that was more desirable/beach?

so i have taken it upon myself to research different hotels in san diego. before i go into that search, i wanted to try and make a statement about my state of mind. two nights ago i went to bed early. it felt great. giving up whatever used to be a priority for what should be a priority more often...sleep. and it paid off. i woke up so refreshed i was almost literally skipping through the house. manuel noticed and chuckled at my perma-grin smile and energy usually achieved by coffee...i was ecstatic about this natural high and spent much of the day picking up the house (and re-picking it up as is my life of allowing free spirited children to run lose) without concern...happy in fact that i was productive and could accomplish so much...that of course was yesterday. today i feel like i have bi-polar disorder (and i don't mean to make light of this as i have relatives and friends who do have this) i was so irritable, frustrated, angry, depressed, exhausted...in part because i went to bed late and the children are both under the weather and woke up early (6 instead of their usual 8)...i am NOT a morning person...every little task about my day was driving me crazy and brushing kids' hair (or my own), washing off their faces, picking up anything seemed unbearable...i was going somewhere with this story...i think it should probably just be that i need more sleep and need to re-arrange my priorities...but i ate too much chocolate as my short-term solution and whether it "worked" on whatever level or not, i believed in this cure and the placebo effect was good enough...

story just woke up, i'm waiting on a plumber for a clogged toilet/shower and made the brilliant decision to do a load of laundry...of course that line is shared by the same clog...kids both begging to go play outside in the yard missing a fence (blown down in a past storm)...story is still sick and it is starting to get overcast so i don't even want to go supervise them out there...story is talking about a "bumbee" (like bumblebee...what he calls all bugs), he is now pulling over sea saying "nee, nee" to show her the bug...if i keep observing a few more minutes they will cheer me up, pull me out of my funk...now sea is making her body into a bridge between the couch and baby door inside the sliding door...story was having fun going underneath her until she decided to become a draw bridge or crash down on him over and over...story is figuring out how to un-childproof the gate..."MAHHHH-ma" he calls and tries to pull me over to see the bumbee...i love how he says "mumgee" when he wants to drink milkies...he just pointed to his sister's nose and said "no..."...i always forget to write these little things down...but i do feel cheered up...kids are off to draw together...with the forbidden "permanent ink" pens instead of the crayons, colored pens, colored pencils, chalk and regular pens in their craft bin...but sea is making up songs and singing to herself and story is happy to be included in her schemes so for now i'm ok with it...sea is now talking to herself telling a story about what she is drawing and story is rummaging through my top desk drawer finding random things like ear plugs and trying to hold them up to me to show me what he thinks they are...he, too, is humming a song only in his head...i'm grateful for these sounds of contentment...their belief that life is much simpler and happier than i am trying to make it when i get so self-absorbed...

random lion photo

i am a bad blogger tonight. i found this random photo of myself as a child sitting on a lion and don't have a story or reason for posting it other than i'm still under the weather and going to bed and just getting in a quick post for NABLOPOMO...i also apologize for not "following" many of my fellow blogger friends recently...i declined hosting co-op preschool tomorrow so we could lay low and catch up so i will have high hopes i'll have more then...

quotas and coffee ramblings

getting in a quick post to meet my nablopomo quota...more meaningful posts when i have more energy and time...

i'm having one of those days where i'm just really behind on everything...just cleaned up breakfast and lunch messes are already taking over when i should be thinking about dinner...clothes should have been dried and piling up to be folded...bed only half-made, bills strewn around the room (i was looking for our home warranty's number to call in a claim about water damage that pushed up our hardwood floors in the living room)...been on the phone with hotel banquet managers about our reunion...again, talking quotas...how many people do i expect to come? what is the room capacity? price per person? how many people would also want to stay at the hotel? how do you guesstimate these things? going back and forth on dates and everyone has some reason a date doesn't work for them so now we have to decide how to decide whose needs are most important or how to choose? sea and story having a particularly difficult time sharing or getting along...so many "to do" lists i can't even find where i wrote them down (my husband used to joke i bought all these great books on organizing my life and the irony of course was that i was too disorganized to even FIND where i'd put them in order to begin...)

i've been borderline addicted to coffee which, i know, many people are...but i don't like things to control me...even substances...so as much as i enjoy coffee, i usually stop drinking it when i feel like i have to have a cup in order to feel ok or not get headaches or whatever...but today i caved and had a cup just to get by...that is the other problem with this addiction, i want to enjoy and savor the cup like it is special and makes me feel more energized, not like i need it to function...

really i just think i need more sleep...so some things have to go...it probably should be blogging or facebook or e-mails or spreading myself way to thin all over the place...but these things motivate me to do the mundane daily stuff...guess coffee will have to be my motivator in the short-term...still welcoming any advice on high school reunions...

rain, bubbles and reading

we don't get to wear rain coats much here in san diego...as evidenced by how short sea's is (hat obviously no longer fits, short sleeves)...and story's is a hand-me-down for sea...she kept telling everyone "he's not a girl...do you think he's a girl because he's wearing a girl's rain coat?" though i try to break gender stereotypes she still picks these things up somewhere...it is raining here now...not very exciting news but i feel like it is "raining" so many things in my life right now i just don't have the energy to think, analyze and write about all of them so i'm posting one quick photo and an idea to meet my nablopomo daily quota and will try to be more interesting in the next few days...off for a hot bubble bath (i splurge a little on california baby overtired and cranky bubble bath since i figure that description could almost always help my children...oh, and me...and it is all natural and smells good...aromatherapy... and comes with a bubble wand inside...it is also a lot cheaper at target than on their site)...whilie on this topic one other little thing is how much story loves bubbles and points them out all over the place... and a little reading...i'm reading the blue shoe by anne lamott and though this book is fiction, i can see a lot of "her" in there so far and have enjoyed several of her previous books like operating instructions: a journal of my son's first year...she is an odd mix of liberal in politics and lifestyle but quite religious or at least spiritual and dedicated to God and i must say i have friends in both camps but few with both qualities and would like more people in my life like her...so forgive me for choosing sleep and relaxation over a thoughtful and meaningful post...maybe you'll read something by lamott and be moved (or at least laugh...she is a great writer and very witty even if you don't agree with her)...