mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

the start of summer break at mimi and angee's

 it has been nearly 2 months since i wrote in this blog. i'm very aware of this. i have wanted to write several posts...several times...a couple related to just relaxing at the neighborhood pool (but i was enjoying relaxing there more than reporting about it)...one entitled "breathe" where i literally just remembered to slow down enough to take full breaths...this one when i was caught in the middle of coordinating the last couple days parties/gifts in sea's 1st grade class...hibiscus flowering plant with personal notes and money from the parents, photo album with personal notes from each student and a photo of each of them with their teacher, making food for the farewell luau, making gluten-free cupcakes for the summer birthday celebration, etc. room mom jobs i both enjoyed and am glad to have a break from...many, many more missed blog posts that have blended together into experiences that may or may not be memories...

but i'm ok with "losing" some of these because in some ways i feel like i've gained more from being there, in the moment, engaged, active, appreciating the present and not capturing it in any way or analyzing it or trying to make it mean something or fit into something...just allowing the mundane and meaningful moments of my life to be solely what they are and be present to experience them...

i'm out visiting my mom and sis in the home i grew up in. it is in the high 90's here and i left perfect low 70's weather back in san diego but again, i'm appreciating what i've gained out here...time to connect with family (immediate and extended)...time for cousins to play together (sea, story, chloe and seven had a blast in the pool together yesterday...story helped "milk the baby"...feeding baby clara out of a bottle...he said he was an expert at it)...time to hear about my cousin ally's time spent living in spain...appreciate photos of her trip...sea and story were full of questions about the biggest church, statue, etc. and this lead to wanting to record a story about the statue of liberty on my sister's phone...

...the photo above was taken by my sister a couple of years ago...taken from the glider on the back patio...i joined her just rocking together, sipping peligrino, enjoying the breezes passing through and watching the children "plant" the sunflower seeds out of the bird food...then cherry pits for cherry trees, apricot trees, etc. and sea in all seriousness asked her auntie to please take care of her garden while she was gone. she went so far as to make a list of "how to do my garden" so they could properly care for the seeds.

the photo below was taken at the redland's market night a couple years ago...so sea was only four and a half (story's age now)...we are going there again tomorrow night...i love the glee on her face...one of my summer goals this year is to have very few goals/plans other than engaging with my children and following their lead to see where their joy and natural curiosity leads us...(this morning story wanted to "walk to the cemetery to visit granddaddy"...on the way we saw a family of california quail following one another in a line...later we saw a roadrunner sprinting across the street and gobbling up some 4 legged creature)...

 this photo was also taken a couple years ago...story is only 2...but i liked his happiness with my sister marci and vice versa...

 this is the gleeful smile of story probably sneaking some forbidden food item (there has been a lot of that this trip...i am partially to blame because i've been enjoying treats myself and been lax on being at grandma's house)...

 here we are at A dong, a standard dinner when we visit...thai food, mom and pop joint, we know the owner and his daughters, usually order the same things (way too much so we will have leftovers)...i like how sea is reflected in the light...timeless...also, that she has pen poised...love that she is such a little writer...creates stories with words and drawings...will choose to do this over most other activities...

i also love that she will just sit down and play the piano...this seems unrelated but piano will forever remind me of childhood and specifically my mother...she could have been a concert pianist...very talented in her skills and the emotion she could show through her touch on the keys...she also was desperate for her daughters to have skills on the piano and though my sister and i both loved music we fought the process...so i was adamant that sea's piano teacher make the intrinsic enjoyment of playing the piano her number one goal...sea has taught herself so much just WANTING to play instead of feeling like she is "practicing"...it is on her terms, and just like learning to swim and ride a bike, this is what she needed to shine...

 my sister took some sunset photos of us out on the same patio i started this blog post (this one was taken some other time...all these photos in fact were off my sister's laptop since i didn't bring any cords to upload my own...so they are not in real time, just representations of ideas)...sea snugged in close, cheek to cheek, i could feel her breathing...story on my knee...i'm very aware they will soon be too big to both "fit" on my lap for photos...they are outside in the twilight "gardening" and watering...i loved watching my mom read to them both with her many years of 1st grade teaching voices coming through all the characters...and plenty of drama...i'm not sure what made me think of this but sea was very serious about bringing mimi a new wooden doll for her dollhouse (the mommy doll had gotten lost)...she was so proud of herself for completing the family...and i was extra touched by the fact that she noticed the mom was slightly taller than the dad doll (i don't think she planned that part)...

 finally, the children have been spreading bird food (which usually goes into this bird feeder below)...just as they spread love to all the people in their little lives...

last night sea went to bed at almost 1 in the morning...she was reading all her early reader books mimi had bought her and i was going to let her read herself to sleep (while i myself was already asleep) but then after awhile she changed her mind and pulled up the blinds...she wanted to look out over the night sky and the beautiful city (that isn't the word that comes to my mind to describe the inland empire! but maybe to my childhood eyes)...and she literally was just staring out at the lights...she invited me to join her and i regret i was too tired and instead lured her back to sleep...back to my commitment to follow my children's lead on appreciating the little things in life...we have one more day here with mimi and angee and then most of the summer still ahead of us :)

sea and story are now "gardening" in the dark...with my mom...their mimi...they are chatting it up, teaching her the things they are learning about life or all that they know such as their great plans for what will grow and the signs to be careful and how to water and how to care...sea is now calling me to show me something secret in the living room...mimi is headed in there to help sea with her piano...we can all learn from one another...every time i wrap up this post more comes at me to remember or record...story is recording on angee's phone "hi, i am story and i love angee"...he is giggling in an infectious way only a 4-year-old can...sea is getting frustrated with my mom for controlling the way she should learn or play the piano and i am having flashbacks to childhood...but this visit is only for a few days and soon we will be back to our own routines so i am enjoying it for what it is...

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

fact or fiction? nablopomo commitment

i've committed to nablopomo and posting every day for the month of august. the theme is "fiction" which is an odd choice for me to commit to as my focus is all about reality and the everyday mundane/meaningful details of LIFE...i have so much material with that alone i don't even have space left in my head to come up with fiction...i've always preferred recording/observing/analyzing what is...or what could be, was...though i view myself as creative and imaginative which i suppose are some of the qualities fiction call on...maybe instead of looking at it as something made up i can look at it as a challenge to get in touch with my imagination; look at the world through my children's eyes...tell them more stories about fairies and flying...or try to read more...i started the catcher in the rye the other day at the beach...classic book i never read...i liked how it was written in 1st person, the author commenting on his youth and observations...i could READ more this month...

the writing prompt for today is "what is your favourite book?"...i can never commit to ideas like this...have to give up so many others to settle on one...i've been reading several parenting books, my favorite philosophically (and really, in practice) is unconditional parenting which is a post for another day...the short story that changed my life or at least most influenced me during a pivotal time in college days was henry james' "the beast in the jungle"...i just read the amazon reviews...agree that i do not relate with nor like his style of writing...he is wordy the way he gets ideas down but if you can get through that, it is worth the time...i'm not going to comment any more on the content and how it affected (and continues to affect) me but for simplicity, it calls into question how you live your life, what you value and how your decisions embrace or run from these ideas...i want to stop running and embrace more! :)

right now my children are eating their rocket popcicles...lemonade and orange mango juice frozen in pops...they have requested we make chocolate ones later today...they are zooming their rockets around, story is hugging his baby "jonathan"...now trying to feed him some popcicle..."somewhere over the rainbow" is playing on pandora..."rocket ship going so fast" story calls out and spins around and around...i really would prefer to write about these things as they slip through my fingers so quickly...

sea is requesting a playdate with calvin before he moves away...this photo of story reminds me of her little friend with his big sunglasses and the glee of summertime...off to fill our day...

"mommy i'm ready for my swimming lesson"

story is just learning how to swim...he's got the parts down...has been going under water, blowing bubbles, practicing his kicks, arms, etc. but in the last week he's put it all together and asks manuel or myself for a swim lesson where he swims from the stairs to us and then turns around and swims back. it is really cute. he gets so excited and proud of himself. the other day his 10-year-old pool friend natasha was giving him swim lessons while i was relaxing/resting in the sun and i started to feel like he didn't "need" me and i only had a few days left for his requests for a swim lesson...so i got back in the pool...sure enough, he is already showing us how he can do this by himself...they are growing up so fast...i haven't even really gotten a video of this milestone and he'll have it down before i get around to it...in other "little things" news, sea has been saying for some time now that she can ride a bike...despite the fact that she doesn't have one, hasn't practiced, hasn't even really ridden a bike with training wheels...but sure enough, yesterday she implored a new friend at the park to let her borrow their bike and by golly she had it down and was riding all over the grass! she really is motivated and a go-getter when it is on her terms...

i've been thinking about many of these little things in my life...like while typing this post kyra just chewed up the third pair of my shoes in two days...the last pair was the flip flops with turquoise and red beads that my bridesmaids wore in our wedding so i was particularly sad to lose that pair...how these little things piece together the ins and outs of my days in ways that have meaning to me...i'm always looking for big picture meanings and ways to connect/philosophize on what really matters in life but often it is stopping to be a part of the little things...of course as i say that i didn't slow down enough to notice what those little things were today...

i also re-read my post from yesterday...normally i would leave that post up for about a week because i didn't have anything more meaningful to write about...but what struck me is how i started out writing about "sea's friend calvin"...that is inaccurate on several levels...his mom is definitely one of my dear friends and i consider calvin my friend, too! it is funny how i look at life through the eyes of my children so much i forget to look at my own independent (or related) perspective...like when i was room mom sea's teacher called me "sea's mom" instead of learning my name and i was flattered that i took second tier to sea...glad the focus was on my child...but with dear friends moving away i realized after re-reading that post that it looks like they are not also MY friends! sorry, sarah, if you happen to be reading this post, too...that was not my intent nor how i feel...

did i mention i'm a psychology major and over-analyze everything? i was talking to sarah about how she should start a blog about her move to georgia and she was saying how she is a perfectionist and wouldn't want to write knowing people were reading...i used to worry about those things but now this is more of our family's journal and it is kind of liberating knowing i really don't have any readers! that sounds bad...i'd like to write well enough, interesting enough things that people WANT to read my blog...in fact i sometimes get my feelings hurt that i follow other friends' blogs and they don't read mine or that my closest friends don't follow my blog at all...but i get it...hey, i don't really follow any blogs that regularly because i get too busy to even live my own life...on that note, my children need to get to bed...here is a last photo of story, age 3, near the 3 feet deep pool marker...getting SO BIG...

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...

free association on recording my childhood

i have taken on the ambitious endeavor of recording my childhood through mommyspiggytales.com...check out this link if you want to join in the next 24 hours or so! my leader is gretchen who has gone through this process before. here is a post about recording her mom's childhood this time around (her mom died suddenly last year). my dad died 4 years ago and it still seems so new...unfathomable...i would totally love to do the same thing for him next year.

this first photo is taken with my mom in our neighbor's pool when i was just a toddler (she can't swim and hates the water so it is really quite surprising)...i'll be relying on her for my first post in the series; (TOMORROW!) my birth story...i'm sure we'll both have a lot to learn about each other through this process...i'm going to check with gretchen on how to go about weaving a theme through my posts...i think there are definitely many i could brainstorm about...but first, as we blast to the past together (look behind) i thought a photo of me from behind would be appropriate...
the ideas i've been tossing around in my head that all are sort of inter-connected are:
--searching for me
--feeling misunderstood
--explaining myself
--finding me and moving my focus to others (my family)
--self-absorption
--being a child again through remembering
--allowing myself to play and be a child with my own children in the present
--mindful parenting/unconditional parenting...resolving this lack in my childhood and repairing it with my own children

before children i spent 7 years working on my master's thesis...the main themes i was exploring was the importance of integrity in self-concept, meaning in life and happiness...so i think if i was to summarize my goal for this recording of my childhood it would be something like:
"the quest for me: finding the balance between who i am, happiness, meaning and living outside of myself" although just reading that i am confused and i'm supposed to be the one presenting these ideas...that is why this is my brainstorm post, right?

did i mention that i always wanted to be a writer as a child/teen/adult but never felt i could be because i got too depressed or self-absorbed or sabotaged my efforts...too caught up in deadlines and lack of motivation and having too much to say and not wanting to cut anything out and rambling and believing my perspective was more important than the story i was telling?...i still have a lot of these same issues but i'm hoping to move outside of myself, look at this through my daughter and son's eyes as they hope to learn about their mommy...so i have a lot more to say...a lot more disclaimers and "forgive me for ___" which i then do anyway...i'm still self-absorbed but look forward to reading everyone else's stories and presenting my own with the emphasis on my children...here i am about to go off the high dive into the DEEP end...metaphorically speaking i'm ready for the plunge...thanks for joining me!

connecting the dots

sea is working on a connect-the-dot book she got as a late bday present...it is a "get ready for school" gift which i normally steered clear of, preferring free play and imagination instead of anything "academic" but, well, school is more or less here and that is where her head is and she is very excited to be doing it...i wanted to take a photo of said dots and her connecting them but that requires finding my camera, taking the shot, uploading the shot, etc. more energy than i have since i've been waking up in the wee 3, 4, 5 o'clock hours with anxiety...sea is DEFINITELY more ready for school than i am...i had all these flash backs to not fitting in, feeling left out, alone, misunderstood...i need to get in touch with these things before i expect them for sea and taint what seems to be a pretty well adjusted entrance into the idea of school...

"mommy, come look at my bug!" she is calling...story is napping...i planned to be cleaning...

she wants to go try and pass the swim test tonight at our community pool...her favorite lifeguard (and possibly first crush?) danny is working so it seems an appropriate time, right before school starts...

"moMMY...come potty with me...i need to do a really big poo poo..." ok, TMI...so maybe i'll leave this post up on my screen and work to complete what should be done, what i want to do (spend every last second absorbing all that sea is into in these last days before school) and a little blogging about it in between...

"moMMY come here, i did the car already...almost...i said in a minute i'm going to be done...mommy...come here..."

"why did leo give this to me, i already know how to do my letters...mommy, please help..."

so back to my philosophizing on what i'm trying to do here...in life...balance what must get done (the practical) with what matters (the meaning) with the every day details (the mundane)...i'm watching sea trace her letters, literally connecting the dots...thinking about how i try so hard to make all the pieces fit together and make sense and sometimes they are just details and somethings they are ALL that matters in that moment...living in the here versus living in the future or the past...showing sea how where her focus should be or better yet that SHE is my focus even as i try to document all this...

my obsessive side is wishing i literally had a photo of her connecting dots...like looking at those dots on this post would help it make more sense or be more perfect or complete...but that would not be life...so i'm going to be ok with this partial post the way i am ok with her rushing through her letters, skipping some, moving on to other things...

she is now showing me her "letters" and trying to copy them (she learned them on her own...writing letters that were in her head instead of looking at something)...this is proving more difficult for her trying to copy them and i'm torn about how i feel about that..

"look!"

story just woke up...cranky...always the conundrum between 4 and 5 whether i should nurse him back to sleep for another cycle or not (which means he'll be up late)...of course i didn't even get the first sink washed in the first bathroom...so i'm off to find something to engage the children with...something they can do together...enjoy their time together...which means i'll probably cave and do starfall and let them "read" to one another...

just remembered a cute song sea probably learned from there "A..ah...aligator...B...Buh...ball...C..cuh...computer" where she sings the name of the letter, it's sound and something that begins with that letter...complete with actions like her typing on a computer...

sea is now tracing shapes and story is saying "MEEM" that he wants a green one...he always draws kitties...now he is singing "naneenaneena neeeee..." teasing his sister he has something she wants...hitting...i better go parent...

at some point before or after this sea was playing "mary had a little lamb" on the piano...we definitely hope to fit piano lessons in though our music teacher friend suggests we wait until she is 6 and can commit to the lessons...

right now sea is "teaching" story by reading his little picture books to him and he is putting up matching animal felts on a felt board for the story "brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?"...at one point we were going to make an entire wall in sea's room out of felt because she loved felts so much...

i found myself calling story (sometimes i call him "sonny" like "sunny") but just now i said "2-8-2?" because he likes to count and says those numbers in that order...

now they are back to doing crafts...i told sea we need to finish picking up so we can go to the pool and see if she is can pass the swim test and she said "what do you mean mom, i'm GOING to pass the swim test..."

i'm off to find the smallest swimsuits i can squeeze them into (hard to let go of so much)...

farewell to hayno...memories and time

hayno passed away yesterday. i was too emotional and upset to write about it and manuel encouraged me to not obsess and just go to sleep. i still don't know how to feel or what to do and am overwhelmed by all we've lost...but somehow i take comfort in knowing what a full life she had and feeling blessed i got to be a part of so much of it right up until the end...this first photo is sea (probably close to story's age now) not quite old enough to reach the doorbell...it seemed like she was that age forever...this next photo is fairly recent but always stands out in my mind as representative of the rituals we went through waiting at hayno's door bearing flowers or pictures or mail...she always took her time answering and then peeked through...i believe this is how story learned the concept of "peek"...
of course sea loved sharing cream puffs with hayno as i shared in my post of things we will miss
and one of many just after sea picked "too many" flowers...
the bear charlie (her husband) left for her on their bed when he left on a long trip...i have many of sea playing with this bear...
hayno, who loved dolls (as a child and as an adult) and loved watching sea play with dolls...
just after story was born...
sleeping peacefully on her super soft pink sweater shirt (she wore this often)...
one of his very first smiles content in her arms...
more recent, sea sharing stories about her dollies...


a cake we baked her for her 90th birthday...i think they ate off most of the icing before it got cut...
sea loved to "bake" with hayno...she got her this outfit and baking supplies...

sitting still just long enough for a kiss (their kisses were usually so quick but for some reason sea held still and allowed hayno to snuggle with her)...
sharing their beloved popsicles as i wrote about in this post...
i've been thinking about what i'd like to take of hayno's and really i am not attached to any of her things...i'm just so blessed she spent so much time with us over the years and so the only thing i can imagine wanting to at least photo copy is an old letter written in the 1800's...a poem, i believe about how really the only important thing you have in life is "time" and it was stashed in a secret compartment of a clock charles brought back from the war...here is story playing his game with hayno where she turned the hands and he counted with his fingers while the clock chimed...
and here is the clock...i'm choked up we have run out of time until we can be reunited in heaven but relishing in all the memories...

looking up

so i've fought against NABLOPOMO on and off the past few months...it isn't necessarily that i'm too busy to think i won't be able to commit to blogging every day as it is i feel i lose quality to quantity...and if i had to choose of course i'd rather write meaningful posts and have time to read others' posts, make comments, have a life...but the months i decide not to post every day, well i go 3 weeks without posting or reading others' lives or having a life...SO i am committing to blogging every day in may.

the topic for may is "look up" and i have some great cloud shots or tall buildings somewhere but thought a photo of one of my children (in this case, story) looking up would be more appropriate on my mommy blog...

a quick free association on this topic...my father passed away may 28, 2006 so i'll be reflecting on his passing at the end of this month. the day he died, the last real interaction we had before he left on the walk where he had a cardiac arrest and passed i was videotaping and not thinking about anything in particular and so it was a little windy and i turned the video camera up into the sky, watching the palm trees gently sway and that is where i ended the video...so i distinctly remember this and also the idea of "looking up" to heaven and beyond this earth to life in heaven where i can be reunited with my dad...

so this month i'd like to reflect more on God and His place in my life and connecting more with Him.

i also like the symbolism of "looking up" as being optimistic and hopeful, assuming the best in life and in myself and in others (i don't know much about the book/movie "the secret" but the idea is that if you change your beliefs and imagine them happening, they will...)...either way i'd prefer to focus on the idea that things are better than they may really be...

i also have to "look up" a lot of classmates in planning my 20 year high school reunion...i'm co-chairing the planning committee and our reunion is in july...

...and my daughter will be "looking up" from kindergarten at all the big kids when she starts in the fall...this milestone and all that comes with it and beyond will be on my mind a lot in the next few months...

i could keep free associating on this topic but i'm over it already (is that a bad sign for committing to blog every day?)...

organizing and creating meaningful space

last night i uploaded a quick "sunset" photo right before midnight...kind of looked like a shooting star...something to wish on, focus on the future...but mainly manuel and i were working on so many projects i didn't have time to blog any more...this was one of the projects we completed...sea had this wooden box that held her wooden dolls and their magnetic clothes and it was getting too messy to put back together so we made it into a shadow box on her wall...some of the meaningful toys inside include her favorite childhood book "guess how much i love you," huckle the cat from the richard scarry series (our family's favorite), a watering can and handpainted dinosaur from two different coop preschool classes,the little green froggy my dad bought her specifically so she could pull it out of his shirt pocket when she was just under 1 years old, a little teddy bear from my childhood that was in newborn photos with both sea and story, more richard scarry figures like lowly worm, huckle cat, bananas gorilla and mr. frumble (who always loses his hat)...and finally, "marigold" the little orange "fairy" doll in the middle that story brought his sister when he was born...sea threw her on the ground and had a tantrum about not wanting her (or her brother for that matter) but later was grateful story brought her this friend (and later, that she had him, too)...

ok those are just a few connections i have with these toys on display...i'm sure sea has more and i'm glad we organized and displayed them in a prominent and meaningful way in her bedroom...

off for more productivity...updates on reunion planning later...

day 108 blog 98 last day of nablopomo...xmas prep

this photo is in the running for our 2009 xmas card...only problem is it was taken january of this year so technically we need to take a current photo for this xmas...so i'm thinking of doing this photo, one of the two children together in the middle and then one photo of our family from THIS xmas as the third photo for this year's card...will take a photo of the final product...but for now i have a long list of things to do...like finish the last of 30 posts in 30 days (i started nov 2nd so even though i have posted 30 posts in 29 days i don't think i qualify for the prizes?)...i'm talking about nablopomo (national blog posting month)...i'm going to join the blogroll for next month, too...just found out today, the last day of my november blogging that there even was a blog roll and i was never on it...i need to take a course in these blogging things...i did join three groups on the site: 1) comment for a comment 2) mommy bloggers and 3) the meaning of life...from this i determined:

1) i need to seek out bloggers with similar interests/values/focus as myself...i had trouble relating with many people on the first group although i am going to give it one more shot tonight after i finish this post as i really like the concept of getting yourself out there and getting more feedback and giving feedback to others asking for it at the same time...to be honest i only browsed through a few of the 38 members so i'm hopeful i'll find more to relate with tonight

2) never even checked out the mommy bloggers...i have many friends and fellow bloggers who meet this criteria so if i'm looking for mommy bloggers to follow i'll follow comments i like on other mommies blogs...that is one thing i have learned from being a mom...there are a LOT of different styles of parenting out there and i need to seek out people more like myself to stay centered and feel understood

3) i really like the last group, dedicated to writing about meaning...i'm actually quite obsessed with the topic...i wrote my master's thesis on meaning in life, happiness (daily subjective well-being and life satisfaction for those of you studying these things in psychology) and self-concept...my theory was that people who have integrity or consistency between what they value, who they believe themselves to be and how they live their life would be happier and find their lives more meaningful...i can tell you more about my findings and how i have changed this somewhat and the balance between figuring life out and living it...but hey, isn't that what many of us who blog often struggle with all the time? so back on point, i found a couple bloggers who often write posts on meaning and was grateful for this group...lindsey, when i'm caught up i still owe you a review or post on what i appreciated reading back a ways on your blog...

in the meantime i can barely make my own to-do lists and stay on top of daily life...i'll get to writing meaningful posts perhaps during this next month's challenge on giving something to someone every day? i think that will be a good way to get outside of myself, be less absorbed, appreciate other people's perspective...

i'm going to visit the comment for a comment group and post that i'll be participating in nablopomo for the month of december...maybe i'll even catch up with my goal of blogging every day for the rest of the year (10 extra posts)...i have a lot of photos from back months...

for now i need to get working on my handmade xmas cards for the swap...today i bought xmas letter head for the personalized letter i will write each of the 10 people from around the world (may post a letter as a blog post as some of the info is interesting)...printed out photos of our family from last xmas along with our traditions (oh, more for another post), photos of us at the beach, bought san diego postcards so the families can see what the area we live in looks like...of course i also wanted to send each of them candy and stickers and whatever else for a care package but i'm already taking on too much to even get these 10 mailed tomorrow...i'll take a photo of the finished product but basically i'm going to make the cards and sea is going to color them, put stickers on and write "happy xmas" inside along with a heart and her name...i also had address labels made with characters of our family from expressionary (you still have time to order them...they send them out like the day after you order them...click on "paper people" to see the way to personalize the characters for your family)...and i've addressed the envelopes and bought xmas stamps...i still feel overwhelmed to finish and get these in the mail tomorrow so more later...

day 106 blog 96 meaningful posts

i don't even have 5 minutes for today's post...still at my in-laws and chasing wee ones who are nearly ready for bed...feeling pressure to have a "meaningful post" i realized this is the perfect opportunity to link to other bloggers i enjoy who do often write very meaningful posts...here are two...i'll give my commentary when i have more than 5 minutes but wanted to leave you with something:

1) lindsey at a design so vast

and

2) heather at the extraordinary ordinary

check them out...read several posts back...

day 94 blog 83 beyond words

loving a brother...i was moved beyond words by the euology given this weekend by dave's brother steven...i would quote it and copy/paste it here in my blog but am only able to get it as a pdf file...honestly one of the most beautiful things i've read. ever.

day 89 blog 77 the holes of grief

grief is such an elusive thing. i can't control it, can't understand it, can't figure out the "right" or "best" or even "better" way to allow it in my life...so it comes in waves...extreme pain, depression, longing, isolation, loneliness, irrational feelings and unreasonable behaviors...to apathy, not feeling anything, going through the rhythms of everyday life...to allowing myself small thoughts of the person i've lost...to obsessing over "what if's" of what i would or could have done differently if i'd known they were going to die...conversations i wish i'd had, things i could have told this person about how important they were in my life, or even the "little" things about them, special only to them or perhaps even know between the two of us...

i called this post the "holes" of grief because that is kinda where i'm at right now. i didn't even know dave crawford very well...but his friendship meant a lot to my husband. and he leaves behind a wife and daughter the same age as my daughter and i just can't even imagine how they are handling that or coping or going on...so back to the holes...i just feel like part of myself gets lost with each loss. i don't get to share the experiences that were meaningful to my husband by hanging out with dave...or getting to know him...or hearing him tell stories of back in the day that maybe even manuel forgot...those things died with him...of course i know this is also related to the loss of my friend lorie and to the loss of my dad...each loss builds especially when my feelings weren't resolved for each...so it just feels like there are more holes...

and i really don't want to go on and on about this because i tend to be obsessive anyway and then i'll get into a cyclical dark place that won't be good for anyone. so i suppose the reason i'm writing about this right now is that they are planning the memorial/funeral service for this upcoming weekend and it is going to be very small. the opposite of the memorial service i attended for another puc classmate that became a media and social "event"...and that is a good thing in this case because dave was very selective with his friends and only had a few close ones so i think his wife daphne will appreciate being near people who knew him well...but even this makes me sad...like i am so social and maybe need to focus more on the quality of my dearest friends instead of reaching out to so many on facebook or remotely or meeting so many new people at playgroups, etc...not planning to die anytime soon but just brings up issues of my own immortality or my husband's or anyone else i'm not prepared to let go of yet...

i was very interested in existentialism in college and still struggle with finding/appreciating meaning in my life without obsessing about it to the point of not living life. i know i need to move past this loss and focus on what i have. even focus on the wonderful memories with my dad and lorie and how much all of these people now gone meant to so many and how their memories live on. but during the acute painful reality of them just being GONE and unable to rationalize or make sense of it, well, knowing what i should do and figuring out how to do it are very different...advice, encouragement, i'm not sure what i'm seeking but i do feel better getting this down...even though my topic was the "holes" of grief and i haven't fully explained what i mean by that...to be continued...