visiting matthew

today we were able to visit matthew in his rehab unit...this first card was made by sea (her and her brother)...
our family (he is inspired by photos and drawings of those he loves and who love him so we took this one in his room to send him)...
matthew and story "played ball"...
i love this one of sea and story just hanging out and matthew, contemplative...
story and matt...peace out...
matt and sea being silly together...
sea, breezy and story...
right before we left and matt was going to rest, sea jumped in bed with him to give him some extra snuggles...story joined her soon after but this photo with movement all around except the peace of the two of them was more powerful as a closing to our visit...we love you matthew!!!

praying for uncle matthew

my husband's younger brother, matthew, was in a serious accident today. i do not know the details and i do not know his prognosis. and i don't want to speculate or do worst case scenarios in my head. so i'm waiting...my husband is driving windy roads with his mom and matthew's fiance and all i can do is keep praying. it is possible i will pop the children in our car in a few hours and drive 11 hours to meet them. but until i know details i will focus on faith and prayers and trust God to take care of the rest...

precocious zen

breathe...

last night sea got another one of her "bubbles"...some combo of gas, indigestion, gluten-intolerance so helping her deal with the pain took precedence to blogging..."precocious" and "zen" were two words that floated across my screen saver one after another and i thought how they both describe sea but in different ways and look funny together...

we continue to breathe through it all...

"dear hayno, we will miss..."

(top photo taken after telling you we were engaged...bottom photo taken this past christmas at our house...the blurriness somehow seems appropriate as i have so many memories blurred into these two representative photos)

• running back and forth between you and your frozen cream puffs...elated with the idea you really want to share ONE more bite...and when you don't, happily eating your share, too
• watching the wooden clock in your dining room and counting each chime aloud while you smile and turn the big hand to just one more number and do it all again
• running back and forth in the long strip of your back yard...collecting treasures like poppies and "dates" from the palm trees, walking too quickly along your little wall...sometimes splashing in a little pool or dripping popsicles all over your tiles, chairs, table and you
• dumping every single block (plastic, wooden, legoed and otherwise) out of the plastic wagon and into the middle of your living room floor and then just looking for more to undo instead of playing with those
• pulling one another around in this wagon and bumping into everything, dumping one another out, trading places and then running over your toes
  
• throwing baby dolls down so you can remind us how to care for them and how that makes them sad...hearing stories of your own baby dolls you played with as a child...
  
• sharing old photos of you as a little girl with your sisters; looking at your changing hair styles and even sharing and comparing real locks of hair
• hearing stories of you making mud pies with your sisters...very specific details on your favorite aspects of how to do this and imagining do this along with you
• realizing the deep love you shared with charlie and hearing stories of all your adventures...when you were first dating, newly married all the way through living with you here on c___ street and the big stuffed bear he left for you when he left on a trip
• the quiet, patient way you listened to so much about "us" and we rarely got around to hearing as much about you
• the autobiography you started to write for us through so many stories of you life that you shared that we never did quite get written down
• the fun game of ringing your doorbell, knocking on your door, peeking through your window and then waiting with flowers we picked out of your yard, mail, newspapers, whatever just to see the joy on your face as your looked through the crack of the opened door to receive us...
• anticipating and planning our visits to mimi around seeing you...when we could maximize our time, spend the most time, not be too cranky or tired yet feeling guilty we never quite got to see you enough
• watching sea and story both anxiously point to your house when we drove by if we were in town but hadn't yet visited
• random news, stories, tips on life that you read or heard about and shared with us to enrich our lives as they had touched yours
  
• your generosity ever since i was too little to appreciate it...i remember one lesson you taught me as a little girl when i said you didn't need to get me two dresses and you told me they weren't to make me happy but because it made you happy to give them to me
• your advice through the years on what made your life fulfilling...letting go of the small stuff and appreciating dear people who love you and love me
• your support and love of manuel when others in my life didn't approve or understand all that i love about him
• your patience with my two wild children and always focusing on their positives even when they were being rude and ungrateful and cranky...you somehow saw their angelic natures shining through or at least were so wonderful about emphasizing these qualities when they were hard to see
• the grace and poise and strength and wisdom of how you lived your life...your character, your giving, your listening, you ability to be so much for so many...
  
• but mostly we will just miss you
  

i feel somewhat morbid typing all this...tears streaming down my face as i remember and visualize each of these little moments...most of them are recent through the eyes of my own children but a few go back to me as a child...morbid because hayno hasn't passed away yet. she is in the hospital with pneumonia and doesn't have much will to live. but she is 90 and tells those who visit what a wonderful life she has had and there is a time for everyone...

so my experience with loss of those closest to me (my dad and grandparents mainly) has been so sudden i didn't have a chance to think of all these things about each of them. i didn't have the opportunity to share them while they were alive. some of this i think would make hayno smile...she would appreciate that i noticed and appreciated her on so many levels...but i don't want her to feel guilty, like she needs to stay around for us. i want her to feel ready to go and that we will be ok without her (even if right now i don't feel like we will)...how do i say these things? do i? i know with my dad he wouldn't have wanted to have this conversation...he most likely died of a cardiac arrest because we were instantly left with all these memories instead of having to share our sadness of missing him with him. but hayno may be different? i know she is very cranky and difficult in the hospital...she deserves to die at home...but what if she goes home with hospice care, gets over the pneumonia and this was all premature? i figure she would still appreciate the memories and love but i don't want to assume she is dying if she isn't? or maybe she would rather have my presence and love without hearing all of this...to "reall" when maybe she just wants to let go instead of having the pressure of all she will leave behind?

do any of you have experience with losing an older person who knew they were likely to die and/or was ready to die? did you have any "heart-to-heart" conversations with them? i think if i asked my husband what i should tell hayno when i visit her he might say to err on sharing it all...how i support her decision to hold on or let go but that i wanted to share with her how much she meant to me...

i've been babysitting a friend's kids for 9-10 hours each day for the past two days and i'm exhausted but this is the first moment, at 3:34 a.m. three days later that i've been able to grieve the possible loss of hayno and reflect on how to respond...i will try to call her in her hospital room in the morning (close to 11 so she can sleep)...but sometimes i have "intuitive" senses about things and i hope this intense mourning at this odd hour isn't because something has already happened...

sea sick story's second

sea had a fever last night and woke up still sick. she is in bed (unheard of for her during the day)...story turns 2 on saturday and i just sent out the evite for his party today (this was the photo i used)...i'm on my way to my mom's house to attend the reunion planning committee meeting and i'm irritable and tired so i'm off to pump up on something caffeinated and get some food (the first thing i usually try when i'm irritable) and will update after the meeting...

happy heart day!

this photo was taken on sea's 1st valentine's day...she was just over 6 months old and wearing one of my little dresses that i wore in the 70's...i just wanted to write a short post to say how much i love my life and my family...particularly my husband and children...

i had to pause for this moment of gratitude, today, on valentine's day, as i'm still up every hour swimming in my head cold, fever, aches, sore muscles, headache...etc. self-absorption "poor me"...i'm really not a very good patient...i usually drink a LOT of water, pound odwalla superfood and mo' beta and anything with loads of vitamin c and get as much rest as possible. only i haven't been able to sleep...so on one of my pounding drinks and potty breaks before returning to sleep i thought i'd get in a quick post with hopefully my focus on the right thing...

sick

very sick. went to bed at 8 p.m. and been sleeping all day sick...fever that won't quit, runny nose that won't stop, aches, chills, pains...no appetite...haven't eaten all day...back to bed...

day 93 blog 82 free association to refocus

i am really all over the place tonight. i apologize in advance for the truly free association that is about to occur as i have no direction in this post...my husband flies home from the bay area first thing in the morning. he went to the memorial service of a dear friend from high school/college and i haven't done a very good job being a single mom this weekend. the house is a disaster...i used to think i was mainly keeping the house tidy for manuel who requires more order to function than i do and he would always correct me and say, "no, you are doing it for us, for our family"...i see now how true that is since i can't function either in this much chaos...i have this problem with waiting until the last minute to do important things (i mean, like REALLY bad...to the point of trying to free associate my handwritten wedding vows because it was too much pressure to write them perfectly enough)...i also sabotage things on some unconscious level that sometimes gets close to conscious and then i just feel badly about myself that i would do that so i have to be apathetic or detach or not care...so i vacillate between really caring too much and being very emotional, or being super analytical and overly obsessive or just detaching and not caring...not good emotional skills in a parent or to teach my children...would love any advice on how to integrate feelings, thoughts, values, with daily living...again, related to my thesis that took me 7 years to complete and still not enough answers...but back to procrastinating...the house is messy, i was going to do a lot of extra projects and surprise manuel and haven't even done the basics...i have so many thoughts/projects/"to do" lists running through my head i was going to jot them all down here but it is giving me too much anxiety since some of those include worries about my health, depression, skeletons and mostly a lot of clutter in my closets and everywhere for that matter...i need to focus or concentrate on the basics like eating well, getting enough sleep, going for walks to get my blood circulating and mind clear, keeping the house tidy, going through paperwork before it piles up and i lose things, taking showers to start my day and getting all of our hair (myself and 2 kids) fully brushed instead of swept up into pony tails or buns...these little details i'm adding cuz when i start falling apart mentally a lot of things most people take for granted in their daily routines start slipping and then i'm stuck trying to figure out where to start to get out of negative cycles...like it is hard to be motivated to do all that i just listed when i feel depressed but i will feel more depressed if i don't...same with my health; i know that i need to "take care of myself" through nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc. but when my body is not absorbing vitamins and minerals and my adrenal glands are stressed out and i feel stressed to the point of yelling all the time and getting irritated over the smallest things and i feel like i need a massage for all of the tension and built up negative emotions i have trapped in my shoulders and neck and i got a brief chiropractic assessment telling me i have a lot of stuff stuck or misaligned or whatever (turning all different directions to nurse two children while i'm asleep doesn't help this either i'm sure)...i'm really not sure where to begin...

so i visualized these "little things" photographs depicted here...details of my children and my life...our vacation in hawaii this past may...my husband took these shots...i take a LOT of photos but realize now it is often the smallest details that i should focus more on (hmm...is there an analogy here?)...i wasn't trying to make the connections that are now coming to me...maybe i should listen more closely...to myself? to my intuitions? my heart? God? i'm not sure...just listen and maybe be still more...

i know everything is going to work out and i just need to slow down, relax, go through the motions to make sure the basics and little things are taken care of before struggling or obsessing over bigger picture topics...or maybe just get more sleep for now...that is always my conundrum of what to do with "extra" time...use it for "me" time (usually blogging, going through photos, working on projects or letters), go to bed to try and get "enough" sleep, or work on decluttering my life and our house of backed up paperwork, piles in garages and closets and drawers, etc. that always gets literally shoved further away...i know i would feel a lot better about myself if i decluttered but i rationalize i'm too exhausted and just need to sleep...and end up blogging and staying up late...so as much as this free association has been somewhat helpful getting these things down and off my chest, i cannot obsess over it...analyze, keep free associating, etc....i'm going to just go through a little paperwork so i feel like i accomplished something...but probably end up adding things i find to my mental "to do" list and worrying i'm not writing them down...and then when i do find my journal to write them down worrying i am obsessing over making lists instead of doing the things on the list...i really am having trouble with balance and priorities tonight!

day 44 blog 40 rested and feeling great!

ok, you know i'm feeling great when i wake up, wide awake and energized before 7...both children were nursing again and i usually sleep through this or am half awake, foggy, exhausted, and go right back to sleep. but this morning i just woke straight up almost at the end of a dream...a good, vivid, detailed dream...it included a massage (which i love and am long overdue for), time with an old dear friend, brunch, a glass of wine (just told an old friend in the napa valley, pete, i hoped to meet him for a glass of his wine...his wine is selling really well and sounds exactly like the style i would love...big, bold, full-bodied...we were housemates back in the day), a visit with my elderly neighbor growing up (she had fixed up a room in her house for the children...complete with a canopy bed to sleep/snuggle in...somehow this tied back to my dad and gave me peace...like life goes on and cycles back to the little ones who live on...not sure how to explain this..) of course it is now barely past 7 and both children are awake and trying to see what i'm doing...so i need to cut this short...

just wanted to refer you back to my previous post to try out that 24 hour detox as it has done wonders for not only how i feel physically but emotionally....i have SO much energy right now it is crazy...oh, and i posted another breastfeeding photo from our hawaii trip as my mastitis is almost gone and i have two happy vivacious nursers...back to drink some more cleansing tea and to see how to maintain this high...story is appropriately nursing as i type...

day 43 blog 39 "ju-ju"

my internet is still very spotty, briefly on my husband's laptop so i'm limited to his photos...but the good news is that i am MUCH better...tonight story was reaching for some juice and said "ju-ju"...some combo of "jue-jue" and "goo-goo" but he was very clear what he wanted...

i had some really disgusting digestive issues (too much information already) along with the mastitis so i decided to do a 24-hour detox plan from one of my favorite health resources, Linda Page's "Healthy Healing"...i have the 12th edition which seems to have more info than a previous edition i loaned to someone but the good news about some older editions is they have more info in some areas (like juicing recipes) that she later split off into a new book. i will be writing more about this book and my quest for health later but for now i feel SO much better that i am sharing with you my version of the detox she suggested on page 173:

"evening before you begin...have a green leafy salad (i didn't do this)...dry brush your skin before you go to bed to open pores for the night's cleansing eliminations. take an herbal laxative (didn't do these two, either)...next day take fresh juices, herbal drinks, water and a long walk (i took a 50 minute walk around 5 p.m.)
--on rising: take 2 tbsp fresh lemon juice, 1 tbsp maple syrup and a pinch cayenne in water
--breakfast: cranberry juice from concentrate
--mid-morning: 1 handful dandelion greens, 3 fresh pineapple rings and 3 radishes (i juiced these but put too many radishes or they were too big or something so it was pretty bitter)
--lunch: a glass of apple juice with 1 packet chlorella granules dissolved (i had caplets that i opened up instead...just guessed how many...maybe 2 teaspoons worth?)
--mid-afternoon: a cup of Crystal Star "Cleansing and purifying tea"
--dinner: a glass of papaya-pineapple juice for enzymes
--before bed: miso soup" (i'm adding extra sea greens)...water is heating for this now...

i felt better by late morning...i'm totally a believer in a cleanse...anyway, i'm off to bed...leaving for northern california saturday morning...hope to have full time internet when i'm back and be back to a post a day...

day 41 blog 38 "yucky yizard" (mastitis revisted)

this was a "just breastfeeding" photo although i have a lot of actual ones...i'm using manuel's laptop again with lots of cords attached and "two ones" competing for my attention...i have mastitis again...a sign i need to slow down and take better care of myself including eating better, less, less fat, less sugar, less fried foods, more sleep, more exercise....the usual. today sea was nursing and i asked her if the milk tasted different and she said it tasted like a "yucky yizard" (lizard)...hopefully she doesn't really know what a lizard tastes like...she still switches "L's" and "Y's"...asks to sit on my yap...i don't have the time for this post but i was reading some interesting article on the relationship between a sluggish liver, breast issues like mastitis and unresolved/unexpressed emotions like anger and depression...my health posts will have to come after i get well and back from my trip...off to balance being productive and getting some rest...HA! however you do that...tips welcome...

day 31 blog 31 fruit tart

i've loved sugar since an early age...this was possibly me with my first birthday cake? so no, not the fruit tart...just wanted to do a quick follow up post...i went four solid days without any high fat, dairy, sugary, fried or overly carbed out foods until last night my neighbor julie had a sky show party at her house and one of her friends brought a yummy fruit tart. imagine light, buttery, flaky crust, a layer of dark chocolate, creamy vanilla custard of some sort and lots of fresh fruit like strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, peaches...i swore i had a photo of one of these from back in the day...anyway, i had two solid pieces...and then had a large chai latte today with my dear friend that visited from out of town (more about her and her creative writing that inspires me later)...but back to the fruit tart...this reminded me of fond memories of college and afterwards in the napa valley. saint helena is possibly one of my favorite little towns in the world. very quaint, small community, gorgeous yet simple craftsman and victorian homes, lots of trees, flowers, bright yellow mustard growing between rows and rows of grape vines...i can do a napa valley post with photos later...anyway, the model bakery is my favorite bakery in the world (ok, i haven't quite made it everywhere, but in my travels)...intimate, personal, friendly close-knit community hang-out along with delicious food...great variety, fresh local and seasonal ingredients...not cheap, though...anyway, i'm going to try to go back to not eating sugar, fat and limited dairy (yogurt) for a little longer but just wanted to report on my slip up...

day 30 blog 30 foodie

i love food. i always have. my dad used to say that he "ate to live" but that my mom and i "lived to eat" and in some ways i could see that. i have had a pretty fast metabolism until recently so i've been lucky that for most of my life i could "eat anything" without it really showing. i'm realizing as i start to free associate on this topic that i could do several posts on food...and health...and on being a hypochondriac and all that i associate with those three topics...

but for now, this photo with my sister was taken at least 5 years ago when i lived in sacramento. at a little cafe i loved called "cafe bernardo"...i'm eating a salad sampler...i waited tables for 16+ years...one of my first jobs starting in junior high, then high school...all thru college, graduate school and even up until i was pregnant with sea...i did it in part for the good and easy money but also because i love being around food. i can sell it because i believe in it, love it, enjoy it myself.

so most recently i'm writing about food because with this mastitis issue i've been reading up on what sort of diet i could have to relieve symptoms and this has lead me to the conclusion that beyond being vegetarian and trying to eat organic as much as possible, for me i really need to cut back on sugar, fat and empty carbs...i could eat brunch food every day...pastries, cookies, donuts, breads of any sort...i feel like i always need dessert to finish my meal...

another quick free association related to my love for sugar...my friend andrea (who has an awesome food blog, by the way...keep meaning to do a post on her...) told me that she learned somewhere that a craving for sugar can be your body's way of telling you that you need more protein in your diet...makes sense in my case as i don't feel i get enough protein as a vegetarian...readers, i'd love tips on how you get vegetable proteins in your diet...like i love lentils and rice, beans and rice etc. combos...she is also one who believes in eating for your blood type. i started reading the book on this and had to laugh as early on it indicated people with blood type O like myself should eat (i'm paraphrasing) "primarily animal protein"! HA! i chuckled to myself...i've been vegetarian my whole life so who knows how i would be different today if i'd been eating meat all along...oh well, this wasn't going to change my mind...i have many reasons for continuing to be vegetarian that i could go in to later...to be fair, i really should read this book as i could supplement other types of protein...

ok so back to cutting sugar, fat and simple carbs out of my diet (i'm really all over the place in this post, sorry! these ideas are not linear but related to a lot of things!)...i think i could have had an eating disorder at some point if i didn't love food so much...i love the control aspect related to choosing what goes into my body and how it affects me...unfortunately i love so many unhealthy things more than i love the feel of being healthy...so i'm trying to change that...

i ate at whole foods today with my mom (she doesn't have one by her house so she likes to go there regularly when i visit and i like to go because it is a treat since i usually can't afford to eat there). i had a seaweed salad with a yummy asian vinaigrette (i would totally get this again) and some avocado, hummus, veggie sandwich...usually i love walking around and eating all the rich cheese samples...and of course this particular day they also had dark chocolate (the fairly "healthy" kind rich in antioxidants and made with pure ingredients) covered foods...like strawberries which i almost tried to justify to myself...they also usually have some pastry or bread or something which i purposely didn't look for...my other usual item there is a large, hot yerba mate latte made with whole milk (i like it creamy)...but i'm also trying to cut back on too much dairy and caffeine so i went without this splurge...i did buy several bottles of kombucha (see my previous post on this topic...oh wait i can't find it and don't care enough to obsess about it...more on this another time i guess...sorry no link!)...this elixar (sp?) makes me feel more alive but healthy at the same time...

so last night manuel and our family went out to eat at a buffet and the salad bar and 1 enchilada i allowed myself just didn't quite cut it...i passed up SO many desserts i was salivating over and didn't even get the cup of coffee i usually sip slowly and savor...so i know i need a balance on these things. for now i'm trying to eat super healthy with lots of raw veggies, complete proteins, miso soup, etc...

finally, i'm a very social eater, too. i'll plan all sorts of events around food and eating with people. i have many, many, many fond memories with friends and family that are tied to specific meals and places and i still associate those when i eat those things or go there...

will update and let you know how that is going...i'm up because the children were nursing so much i couldn't sleep. but i'm tired, now, so i think i can go back to bed for a couple of hours...tell me about your issues with food (what you love, how it relates to your life, how nutrition has improved your life, etc)...

i'll leave you with an old school dorky photo of myself taken probably 10 years ago when i was working at piatti...i believe i literally have my mouth full in the photo (which is appropriate!)

day 26 blog 26 sleep

i should be sleeping. but i was getting anxiety over not blogging. and the two ones were nursing too much and i felt like they were making more milk instead of draining my plugged duct...so...i don't feel much better. fever is reduced, but still achy...breast is still huge, swollen, lumpy, red, sore...my mom comes tomorrow afternoon and i'm going to get as much sleep as i can. drink more fluids. take it easy. all things i should have been doing for awhile now. my body feels so run down. i'm too tired to search for a cute sleeping photo to supplement this post. and i have a lot of them. eventually i hope to post on "health"...but i can't start with any more lists of things i should be doing. i need to go back to sleep.