day 89 blog 77 the holes of grief

grief is such an elusive thing. i can't control it, can't understand it, can't figure out the "right" or "best" or even "better" way to allow it in my life...so it comes in waves...extreme pain, depression, longing, isolation, loneliness, irrational feelings and unreasonable behaviors...to apathy, not feeling anything, going through the rhythms of everyday life...to allowing myself small thoughts of the person i've lost...to obsessing over "what if's" of what i would or could have done differently if i'd known they were going to die...conversations i wish i'd had, things i could have told this person about how important they were in my life, or even the "little" things about them, special only to them or perhaps even know between the two of us...

i called this post the "holes" of grief because that is kinda where i'm at right now. i didn't even know dave crawford very well...but his friendship meant a lot to my husband. and he leaves behind a wife and daughter the same age as my daughter and i just can't even imagine how they are handling that or coping or going on...so back to the holes...i just feel like part of myself gets lost with each loss. i don't get to share the experiences that were meaningful to my husband by hanging out with dave...or getting to know him...or hearing him tell stories of back in the day that maybe even manuel forgot...those things died with him...of course i know this is also related to the loss of my friend lorie and to the loss of my dad...each loss builds especially when my feelings weren't resolved for each...so it just feels like there are more holes...

and i really don't want to go on and on about this because i tend to be obsessive anyway and then i'll get into a cyclical dark place that won't be good for anyone. so i suppose the reason i'm writing about this right now is that they are planning the memorial/funeral service for this upcoming weekend and it is going to be very small. the opposite of the memorial service i attended for another puc classmate that became a media and social "event"...and that is a good thing in this case because dave was very selective with his friends and only had a few close ones so i think his wife daphne will appreciate being near people who knew him well...but even this makes me sad...like i am so social and maybe need to focus more on the quality of my dearest friends instead of reaching out to so many on facebook or remotely or meeting so many new people at playgroups, etc...not planning to die anytime soon but just brings up issues of my own immortality or my husband's or anyone else i'm not prepared to let go of yet...

i was very interested in existentialism in college and still struggle with finding/appreciating meaning in my life without obsessing about it to the point of not living life. i know i need to move past this loss and focus on what i have. even focus on the wonderful memories with my dad and lorie and how much all of these people now gone meant to so many and how their memories live on. but during the acute painful reality of them just being GONE and unable to rationalize or make sense of it, well, knowing what i should do and figuring out how to do it are very different...advice, encouragement, i'm not sure what i'm seeking but i do feel better getting this down...even though my topic was the "holes" of grief and i haven't fully explained what i mean by that...to be continued...

day 88 blog 76 handmade children's xmas card swap

ok someone motivate me to do this: basically you create 10 xmas cards with your kids and mail them off to other kids around the world and then get 10 handmade cards from other kids around the world back! you can include info about how you celebrate the holidays, your family, photos, etc....so need to make it so personal and learn about different people! i really want to do it but have to be sure that i follow-through...i got the idea from a blogger i just started following, megan at penny carnival...she also has a 4-year-old (i think they were born the same month) and a 2-year-old (story will be 2 in february) and in to a lot of the same things that i am...she loves writing (only she makes money doing it)...gardening, crafts, avoiding over-consumption, being a mom, time with family, cooking...so i'm looking forward to "following" her...

day 88 blog 75 waldorf fall festival and garland's party

we really squeezed way too much in to this past weekend...friday dropped off manuel at the airport (he just got back from new york tonight)...spent a couple hours at the park and chanced dinner with just me and two children out (very scary...i can't even go in to the details as this gives me more anxiety)...saturday i lead out sabbath school; sea re-banged her finger that had been smashed in the car so that her nail hung at a 90 degree angle but didn't quite come off...so several people jumped in to help take over leading and i ran her out to the car to get some homeopathic rescue remedy ...one of my mommy friends made me a natural type first aid kit for my car and this was my first chance using the stuff...supposed to help calm stressed out children and let me tell you, sea didn't like the taste or taking it in drops (i hear you can buy tablets that dissolve) but this stuff WORKS! she was screaming and nearly hyperventilating out to the parking lot and then walked calmly back in and started playing with the kids...anyway, after church we went to waldorf's fall festival. this top photo of sea watching the folksy band play their bangos and flutes and guitars all while dancing around in her fairy costume seems to most sum up the festival...
here she is on TOP of the monkey bars (ready to try flying with those wings?)...she adopted three awkward pre-teen types that adored her every word and move and of course she was hanging on them literally and figuratively...i was very grateful while i munched on too many overly organic gluten-free, vegan, etc. treats...story was happy being pushed in the stroller and taking in the sites and listening to the music...
we were running late to make it to garland's birthday party but sea insisted she get her face painted...maybe i'll have a party for her one of these days where all the children get their faces painted? oh, i wanted to mention that i think sea looks a little bit like one of my longest time bestest girlfriends (who is due to have her own little girl any day now) cara, in this photo. cara is half italian and i suppose sea has almost 1/4 italian/sicilian in her, too...i'll have to dig up a childhood photo of cara to show you...
sea was watching them press apple juice, re-decorating the booths with dried corn and pumpkins...you can see story with his orangish hair and orange/green vest outfit watching her in the background...it was all i could do to get her to leave...she wanted to walk carefully on each stepping stone lining the parking lot, up on walls, you name it to stall...
but we made it to the party...not too late...here are the cupcakes with "G's" on them...
desmond (2 months) smiling on the left and the birthday girl, garland, age 1 on the right...
she hadn't napped all day so she was DONE before we even had cupcakes...you can see her brother benjamin looks a lot like her on the right...
i think they were blowing out the candles here...the photo was too washed out from my flash so i made it "sepia" toned on my mac computer...like the old feel to it...
i love this shot of garland's mom, lisa, garland and ben...
and this one...
here are most of the older siblings hanging out...calvin, ben, ruhi, leo and sea showing off her cupcake...
garland's daddy, doug with her older brother ben and sea...they are only 3 months apart...we had a fun evening!

day 87 blog 74 potty

too many heavy topics mostly about loss on my mind...so i'm going to post something short, simple, kinda sweet...

nowhere near potty training story but tonight he was pointing to the potty and saying "poo-poo" so i let him sit on it for awhile...not this baby bjorn one i like better, but one that has a little cup you empty out...he wouldn't get off it for the longest time so i turned my back...a little too long...next thing i know he was dipping the potty cup into the toilet and getting ready to drink it...disgusting, hilarious and good at quickly reversing my mopey mood!

day 86 blog 73 loss revisited

manuel and dave at their 20th high school reunion from monterey bay academy.

i had several topics i intended to blog about...there was a fire in the canyon behind my house and i had no idea...contacted several neighbors the next day which lead to talks of neighborhood watch and a neighborhood directory and connecting with them more...went to two birthday parties for a 4 and 5-year-old today...

but all this seems trivial and is lost to the news i just received from my husband who is visiting our friend travis in new york...one of their best friends from high school was found dead in his hotel room. cardiac arrest although foul play is suspected? i am floored. and so, so sad...i didn't even know him very well but manuel doesn't use words loosely and he said dave was the smartest person he ever knew and along with that manuel always spoke so highly of him as a good, kind person and dear friend. he leaves behind his wife and four-year-old daughter as well as a wealth load of family and friends.

here is dave at the reunion holding his daughter.
more friends at the reunion...
wife and daughter...

there isn't much more to say. hug those you care about extra tightly tonight.

day 85 blog 72 full weekend with friends

tonight would be one of the nights i would skip if i wasn't trying to be part of nablopomo...the load of doing daily routines with the kids is so much harder without manuel giving me a break...this photo of sea and her good friend ruh was taken when i hosted preschool wednesday...then we went with her and her mom char and younger sister sachi to the children's museum thursday. friday we met up with them and another mom from preschool, sarah with her two boys calvin and desmond...picnic and playtime in the park. i had the bright idea of taking the kids out for "cupcakes" at an upscale dessert place in town...very kid unfriendly...so we ate half the meal and took the dessert to go...today i lead out in sabbath school, sea wanted to stay for church after collecting the offering and the children's story...off to a fall festival at the waldorf school (more on this school later...i took sea to a mommy and me preschool there when she was 2 or so)...and then barely had time to head out to coronado for another preschool mommy, lisa f's daughter garland's 1st birthday party. we just got home and took a family bath. i'm beat and ready to go to bed with the children...and then we have two more birthday parties we are attending tomorrow!

day 84 blog 71 san diego children's museum

yesterday we went to the san diego children's museum for the first time. i feel like i got my $85 annual family membership's worth almost in one visit...went a little crazy with photos and we only got through about half...you can see the "chariot" behind story...he figured out how to pump and push himself forward...this first photo is one of my favorites of all of them...
this room was intended for children 2 and under...little wooden horses and animals to ride on...lots of different lights and animal sounds...you can see the light switches controlling these...story is really into turning things on and off so this was right up his alley...
this room had a large dresser filled with costumes...they were sort of abstract so you could pretend what you were...here they are pretending to be bats flying around...
the kids could have spent a LONG time in this long air filled rainbow tunnel...literally bouncing off the walls together...
here is story crawling after the big kids...
sea loved the big table of blocks...i tried to get a photo of her constructions but story loved knocking them over...
here is one of ruhi's...you can see the rain house in the background...
they had water raining down on the top of this house so it sounded quite loud inside...
i loved the colors and this "pajaro" but sea wasn't up for posing...but it is still classic sea with the pout...
i loved a wall of felts...here is story climbing up higher to reach...you can cut out your own shapes/names...
we've thought about making a wall like this in one of the kid's rooms because they so love making designs out of felts...
story trying to cut something...
sachi and story playing outdoors in the bubble station...


bubbles everywhere...
back to the felts...
story walking by a room we didn't check out yet...near a huge trojan horse high on the 3rd floor...
had to get "san diego" in there somewhere...
sea and ruhi making up over something...loving one another...and ending the museum day by the illuminated word "art"...

we got coupons for the old spaghetti factory and headed over to share salad, garlic bread, spaghetti with marinara and mizithra cheese and ending with spumoni...
i hope to go there every thursday! off to pick up the house before taking manuel to the airport...