mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

sea is 8...

 i woke up early with hopes of writing about this point in her life...our lives...but am rushing to get ready to go out of town for our 10 year anniversary...more to come :)

dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

spring rambles

 grr...almost two months since i last wrote a blog entry and i had hoped to "blog more regularly"...life, family, drama, cross roads, various excuses but really i miss writing so much i need to make the time for it instead of hoping the rest will come together and there will be time left over. this top photo was taken at my friend kim's annual easter egg hunt/brunch. we have another photo taken in this same spot from two years ago and story's hair is only to his shoulders and, well, sea is about story's age. i try to slow them down but they get older and bigger faster than i can capture or appreciate their ages. i remember last year wanting to blog about sea getting ready to enter 1st grade...then our summer...entering second and now she is almost DONE with second and i haven't written any of these things down. i've still been taking photos and done a much better job experiencing the moment and slowing down my own thoughts (trying to be less self-absorbed/selfish) and just appreciating what is in the moment. i keep having these ideals or dreams of waking up early with the perfect cup of coffee and no one needing anything and just writing all the thoughts that keep spinning around or get tangled in my dreams.  but instead i sleep in or wake up too tired or wake up with too many things already on my plate and the writing ideal goes out the window.

so here we are on a saturday night. sea has a friend over and they are watching a movie. manuel is taking a nap. story is having his second sleep over at another friend's house. i fed the children homemade split pea soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and i'm enjoying a glass of red wine as i type. i had a bunch of ideas in my head yesterday or the day before and was trying to untangle them so i could write a cohesive blog post. i often feel, when i start typing after such a long hiatus, like i need to have something really important to say or well thought out or well put together. but if i'm going to be true to myself and my style of writing, i tend to ramble and hope the ideas eventually link together.

today i wrote an e-mail to a professor who was most influential to me in graduate school. i wished him happy birthday and told him a little bit about my current life and how i'm thinking about going back to teaching within the next year or so. specifically i shared with him how i'm at a cross roads of sorts...story, my youngest, will start kindergarten in the fall. i am holding off on submitting any applications until i know how he adjusts to school (he's never been in preschool) and i suppose equally as important in my hesitancy to go back to work is wanting to be as involved as room parent, in the classroom, teaching art, going on field trips, etc. part of me is excited about the opportunity to have more free time...i hope to use it gardening, exercising (or at least doing yoga), reading, blogging, making photo albums of the children, etc. though i really SHOULD use it finally cleaning out the garage, going through to accumulated "stuff" i no longer use or need, paperwork, etc....hopefully some combination of the two.

so i feel like i should really be maximizing this last time home alone with story. i'm not sure what that means or what he will most remember or appreciate about our time alone together. i also feel like i need to really listen to sea right now and connect with her while she still wants to connect with me. she is getting to an age where she is much more independent and analyzing things on deeper independent levels and doesn't "need" me as much. it is funny how i want us to be closer when she seems fine alone and i feel like i need space when she is more clingy and wants to snuggle in my lap. today she sat on my lap in church and she felt big and it was awkward and an uncomfortable angle but i immediately thought how i may not get many more of these spontaneous times together when she wants to sit in my lap so i squeezed her and smelled her hair while we sang hymns together.

today we went to our community pool. we go there pretty much any day manuel is home from work early enough and any weekend it isn't quite warm enough to go to the beach. the photo below was taken later in the day on easter after the brunch photo above:

i love this pool. it has an old feel to it (established 50 years ago and has some of the same equipment or feel of the 60's) and many of the members have had their membership passed down through family members; most member live in our neighborhood. so it has this feel like it has been around forever and always will be...very familiar and an integral part of our lives. also great exercise for the kids, wonderful sun for all of us, relaxing, etc.

today at the pool i decided i would finally put some books on book shelves in the app goodreads which is a cool social sight where you can see what other friends are reading and post what you have read, want to read, etc. i listed anne lamott (one of my all time favorite authors...she is funny and sincere and believable and likable and also happens to be both spiritual and very hippyish in her lifestyle/political beliefs which doesn't often coincide). then i listed billy coffey whose books i haven't read...my connection to him is i was commenting on a blog about some religious topic and i happened to read a comment by billy right above mine...i appreciated his perspective and the way he wrote his response so i clicked his name and started following him on his blog. i must have thought of him right after anne because they both write about religion (along with a lot of introspective/philosophical/humanistic observations on life in general). then i remembered one of my good friends, tanya, was also an author and i hadn't listed her books. as i was listing these, i looked up from my relaxing lounging position at the pool to see margaret dilloway, whose daughter is in my daughter's class at school. we worked together to create a basket of advanced reader copy books for the school's auction (i should say she did all the work getting the books from her publisher and friends and i just met her for coffee to talk about it!) anyway, it was weird to be listing authors i'd like to read and then see one looking down at me...so i listed her two books (i have bought one and keep meaning to make the time to read it). finally, i listed alfie kohn who has by far been the most influential writer on my parenting philosophy (he gave words to ideas i couldn't quite explain to others when i was intuitively dealing with my children and focused more on "big picture" outcomes than what was happening in the moment).

i'm really not feeling like writing right now...probably because i have a full hour and a half "free" and i usually feel most like writing at like 3 a.m. when i wake up with too many ideas in my head to sleep or something impractical like that. a friend on facebook once wrote how the difference between amateurs and professionals is the professionals don't need to have an inspirational moment to produce fine work (he was referring specifically to music) but i think that is true for writing, too...i don't HAVE to write anything meaningful or at a professional level at this point so when i no longer feel like it i can just stop.

i do feel guilty it has been too long since i last wrote and wish i had more in me...maybe after a hot bath and i put on some snuggly clothes...

thanks for allowing me to free associate...

san diego county fair

initially i was just going to post photos of our day...until i realized i had "narrowed them down" to over 60! so i guess i'll try to choose about 10 and include a short caption for each and leave the flickr link to get the experience of the full day...while i'm waiting for these to upload, i'll add that we've gone to the beach probably 6 times since i've been back from my mom's...three days last weekend, fourth of july, and the past couple days...

(i was having trouble accessing my photos on my external hard drive...)

in other important news for our family (and facing my issues with procrastination and need to take responsibility for difficult issues), my husband and i pulled everything out of our disorganized garage (my stuff, not his that needs tending to) and painted the dingy yellowy creamy disgusting walls a bright white! very rewarding...two days of work later we have some of the items back in but i have a lot of things to go through (read: "get rid of") in the coming days...so i thought i'd get in a post while my family is sound asleep after 9 HOURS at the beach today...literally 11 something until after 8 and after sunset!

i really want to post a reply to my friend tanya's most recent post but also want to include photos from said inaccessible hard drive so that post will wait for morning, too...so here are 12 memorable photos from the fair...we went there over a week ago...you can tell i love the ferris wheel as it is in most of the shots :)

before i forget some of the details of the day...we started by visiting the various animals...petting zoo...searched for various baby animals...then we headed over to the children's rides...we asked if there was a larger ferris wheel and were sent back on the other side...

 view headed to the top of the ferris wheel:

 looking up from the bottom of the ferris wheel:

 ferris wheel and del mar beach in the background of our ride on the swings...my husband took this shot of sea and me (bottom right corner) from his vantage point with story in the swing behind us:

next we ate some vegetarian burritos and grilled corn on the cob (there was a lot of unhealthy food to choose from...we had a giant serving of garlic fries to supplement)...ate giant chocolate dipped ice cream cones and went to look for some more rides...

 love the shadows and contrast of light this time of day...

sea and story had fun sliding down a giant slide just to the left of this photo...

 sea watching someone bungy jump...i catch the action of her glee and the ferris wheel at once :)

 the bumper cars were probably sea and story's favorite since they both got to drive...i was extra happy with this ride because the ticket collector let the children go in free "as long as they can drive"...

 the fair at night...our whole family walked through a house of mirrors (ferris wheel in the background):

 sea going on a crazy upside down spinny ride with her dad (they were both super excited...she barely made the height requirement)...

welp, here is the flickr link if you want to see the full day...

i'm off to bed...hoping i can be productive enough tomorrow to get to the post in reply to my friend tanya...she is a dear friend!

the start of summer break at mimi and angee's

 it has been nearly 2 months since i wrote in this blog. i'm very aware of this. i have wanted to write several posts...several times...a couple related to just relaxing at the neighborhood pool (but i was enjoying relaxing there more than reporting about it)...one entitled "breathe" where i literally just remembered to slow down enough to take full breaths...this one when i was caught in the middle of coordinating the last couple days parties/gifts in sea's 1st grade class...hibiscus flowering plant with personal notes and money from the parents, photo album with personal notes from each student and a photo of each of them with their teacher, making food for the farewell luau, making gluten-free cupcakes for the summer birthday celebration, etc. room mom jobs i both enjoyed and am glad to have a break from...many, many more missed blog posts that have blended together into experiences that may or may not be memories...

but i'm ok with "losing" some of these because in some ways i feel like i've gained more from being there, in the moment, engaged, active, appreciating the present and not capturing it in any way or analyzing it or trying to make it mean something or fit into something...just allowing the mundane and meaningful moments of my life to be solely what they are and be present to experience them...

i'm out visiting my mom and sis in the home i grew up in. it is in the high 90's here and i left perfect low 70's weather back in san diego but again, i'm appreciating what i've gained out here...time to connect with family (immediate and extended)...time for cousins to play together (sea, story, chloe and seven had a blast in the pool together yesterday...story helped "milk the baby"...feeding baby clara out of a bottle...he said he was an expert at it)...time to hear about my cousin ally's time spent living in spain...appreciate photos of her trip...sea and story were full of questions about the biggest church, statue, etc. and this lead to wanting to record a story about the statue of liberty on my sister's phone...

...the photo above was taken by my sister a couple of years ago...taken from the glider on the back patio...i joined her just rocking together, sipping peligrino, enjoying the breezes passing through and watching the children "plant" the sunflower seeds out of the bird food...then cherry pits for cherry trees, apricot trees, etc. and sea in all seriousness asked her auntie to please take care of her garden while she was gone. she went so far as to make a list of "how to do my garden" so they could properly care for the seeds.

the photo below was taken at the redland's market night a couple years ago...so sea was only four and a half (story's age now)...we are going there again tomorrow night...i love the glee on her face...one of my summer goals this year is to have very few goals/plans other than engaging with my children and following their lead to see where their joy and natural curiosity leads us...(this morning story wanted to "walk to the cemetery to visit granddaddy"...on the way we saw a family of california quail following one another in a line...later we saw a roadrunner sprinting across the street and gobbling up some 4 legged creature)...

 this photo was also taken a couple years ago...story is only 2...but i liked his happiness with my sister marci and vice versa...

 this is the gleeful smile of story probably sneaking some forbidden food item (there has been a lot of that this trip...i am partially to blame because i've been enjoying treats myself and been lax on being at grandma's house)...

 here we are at A dong, a standard dinner when we visit...thai food, mom and pop joint, we know the owner and his daughters, usually order the same things (way too much so we will have leftovers)...i like how sea is reflected in the light...timeless...also, that she has pen poised...love that she is such a little writer...creates stories with words and drawings...will choose to do this over most other activities...

i also love that she will just sit down and play the piano...this seems unrelated but piano will forever remind me of childhood and specifically my mother...she could have been a concert pianist...very talented in her skills and the emotion she could show through her touch on the keys...she also was desperate for her daughters to have skills on the piano and though my sister and i both loved music we fought the process...so i was adamant that sea's piano teacher make the intrinsic enjoyment of playing the piano her number one goal...sea has taught herself so much just WANTING to play instead of feeling like she is "practicing"...it is on her terms, and just like learning to swim and ride a bike, this is what she needed to shine...

 my sister took some sunset photos of us out on the same patio i started this blog post (this one was taken some other time...all these photos in fact were off my sister's laptop since i didn't bring any cords to upload my own...so they are not in real time, just representations of ideas)...sea snugged in close, cheek to cheek, i could feel her breathing...story on my knee...i'm very aware they will soon be too big to both "fit" on my lap for photos...they are outside in the twilight "gardening" and watering...i loved watching my mom read to them both with her many years of 1st grade teaching voices coming through all the characters...and plenty of drama...i'm not sure what made me think of this but sea was very serious about bringing mimi a new wooden doll for her dollhouse (the mommy doll had gotten lost)...she was so proud of herself for completing the family...and i was extra touched by the fact that she noticed the mom was slightly taller than the dad doll (i don't think she planned that part)...

 finally, the children have been spreading bird food (which usually goes into this bird feeder below)...just as they spread love to all the people in their little lives...

last night sea went to bed at almost 1 in the morning...she was reading all her early reader books mimi had bought her and i was going to let her read herself to sleep (while i myself was already asleep) but then after awhile she changed her mind and pulled up the blinds...she wanted to look out over the night sky and the beautiful city (that isn't the word that comes to my mind to describe the inland empire! but maybe to my childhood eyes)...and she literally was just staring out at the lights...she invited me to join her and i regret i was too tired and instead lured her back to sleep...back to my commitment to follow my children's lead on appreciating the little things in life...we have one more day here with mimi and angee and then most of the summer still ahead of us :)

sea and story are now "gardening" in the dark...with my mom...their mimi...they are chatting it up, teaching her the things they are learning about life or all that they know such as their great plans for what will grow and the signs to be careful and how to water and how to care...sea is now calling me to show me something secret in the living room...mimi is headed in there to help sea with her piano...we can all learn from one another...every time i wrap up this post more comes at me to remember or record...story is recording on angee's phone "hi, i am story and i love angee"...he is giggling in an infectious way only a 4-year-old can...sea is getting frustrated with my mom for controlling the way she should learn or play the piano and i am having flashbacks to childhood...but this visit is only for a few days and soon we will be back to our own routines so i am enjoying it for what it is...

blank computer screen

it is still early january...time for new year's resolutions...reflecting over the past year and making goals and dreams for the future...

i finally backed up my computer to an external hard drive and moved my 107,000 photos to a separate hard drive also backed up. this means i have the space on my computer to export my 4 years of blogging in some form of back-up and start over with my photo library...only keeping the best photos and properly labeling and filing them...my 40th bday is coming up in just over a month...i haven't had any "must dos" before i turn 40 but now that it is coming up there are a few things i could strive towards...this will have to be a post for later since i'm not "there" in my mind right now...i have so many photos i could post and write about from the past couple weeks...so many posts i've been writing in my head...and now that i have the time and space to write my mind is blank...so i was staring at the blank computer screen open with possibilities and intimidating because of my lack of interesting things to write about (or i forgot all the things i felt passionately about when i didn't have time to write)...yet i feel compelled to write something. i think it is because i recently learned how to look at my page views or how many people read my blog or something like that and saw quite a drop off the past couple of weeks...literally a graph showing a steep decline in numbers...and i felt this shame "i'm better than that" or that i'm capable of writing more regularly, more interesting things...just not this post :)

how's that for a cop out...i had a friend at sea's school tell me she checked out my blog over the winter break...to which i looked away and rolled my eyes and began apologizing how i haven't been keeping it up or writing anything interesting recently...my best writing occurred when no one at all was reading...now i wouldn't even know where it was buried...i really need to create a back up somewhere of this blog because my memory is so bad i feel like i will lose a lot of my memories of what i wrote about if this blog disappeared...any of my handful of readers who may have advice on how or where to back up one's blog would be much appreciated...i'm really all over the place in this post and i don't care enough to edit it or re-write or start over or whatever basic strategy i could use to make this more interesting or at least linear...i like free associating when the associations make sense but they don't even make sense to me so i can't expect any readers to follow along...i was just getting at the idea that i want to blog more often and write more interesting posts but when i fear i don't have time or energy i just don't write anything at all and to me that is worse...so this post is allowing me to loosen my wrist and get ideas flowing through my fingers...now to connect my mind and maybe even engage my heart to care enough to make it more personal or intimate or disclosing...maybe i'll post about some bloggers and/or writers i enjoy and what i relate with about them...i could look for representative posts and these are usually springboards for things i'd like to write about.

sea and story are drawing pictures for each other on appleworks, an online drawing/coloring website...sea was making story a garbage truck...manuel's brother matt is visiting and they are lounging on our couches watching playoff football...story is singing a song about months of the year...yappay and kyra are taking turns sleeping on dog beds and romping around the room...now sea and story are climbing all over uncle matthew while he gives me a second to finish typing...sea wanted to learn how to do what i'm doing...someday i think she would write an awesome blog...honest, open, detailed, innocent, ernest...i'm ready for a hot bath and to put s and s to sleep...as i type that story just came and put his head on my lap...giving me hugs and snugs and we call them...

tree decorated and holiday cards sent

 we bought our 7 foot ($20!) tree from ikea the first of the month...just decorated it a few days ago (we've been out of town 2 weekends in a row)...all my holiday cards were printed, address labels and stamps arrived...just couldn't pull the assembly/writing of sentiments together until today...and only the friends in the first half of the alphabet got personal sentiments because i just had to mail them all...here are a few photos of tree decorating...sea almost fell into the tree...nothing the cat and dog haven't both done already...here story is placing "ooh-aah" (rudolph) into the tree...he likes to sing about his "shiny shiny nose"...

sea is placing the snowflakes she cut out...

here is the holiday letter i sent out with details from 2011:

SEAsons greetings from san diego 2011

dear friends and family,

our biggest news this year was acquiring a puppy, kyra and a kitten, pablo…the family photos were taken on our road trip to portland…with that I’ll share what we’ve been up to, what we hope to be up to, and a section with details about sea and story.

2011 highlights

we started out the year at a new year’s day brunch at char and raj’s house. we really enjoy weekly art class for sea with bhavna at char’s house…sea creates with children her age while story plays with the younger siblings…riding bikes and playing with their chickens while I sip chai with char. I’ve also enjoyed weekly meet ups with my longtime friend cara and her daughter bria (zoo, museums, parks and walks to name a few activities). I’ve been busy with my role as room mom and teaching art corps in sea’s class and love being involved in her school activities.

early this year I attempted to create/be a part of two cooperative preschools with story…one with friends from waldorf mommy-and-me preschool and we were briefly a part of an outdoor preschool. when I was new to being a SAHM I joked I was most successful at this role when I didn’t stay home and I was out keeping busy with classes and socialization for sea…now with story I’ve come to believe “less is more” and I find I most often enjoy our time just being at home together.

we spend a lot of time outdoors…m will go into work early and get off early so we can spend the afternoons by the pool, walk/run along the boardwalk at mission beach, and on weekends we will walk around the local swap meet or pack up the wagon and gear and take our doggy to coronado dog beach.      

in february m and I ran our first (half) marathon, the surf city marathon in huntington beach. I originally signed up to support my friend maggie in memory of family lost but we enjoyed it enough to sign up for another. on feb 12 we celebrated m's 40^th birthday at our house with friends, family and their children. mid-month sea sang “somewhere over the rainbow” a cappella at her first school talent show. at the end  of the month I co-hosted a baby shower for becki in sacramento (my first overnight away from sea and story).

the first week in march we celebrated story’s 3^rd birthday at our house with a robot theme…crafts, decorations and a huge jumpy castle in the back yard. save the date for his 4th birthday party on march 4. I chaperoned sea’s first field trip: we watched an orchestra perform vilvaldi’s four seasons downtown. at the end of the month our family went on a church retreat at pine springs ranch, the camp I attended as a child . the children were super excited about playing in SNOW. on the way home from this trip we decided to stop and look at some puppies (we’d been trying to find a puppy for over 6 months). I told m he could choose the dog since he’d been a part of my cat claire’s life for 15 of her 17 years with several strays acquired in between. I told him I was leaning away from his favorite, a weimaraner, because they can be hyper and neurotic…well you can see where this story is going…we stopped to check out some weimaraner puppies and our whole family fell in love with kyra and brought her home.

a few weeks later, in april, we acquired our black and white kitten, pablo. I’m a cat lover but aware that most cats prefer to interact with you on their terms so we checked out a LOT of kittens before determining this cat wanted to adopt US…evidently we were successful; he lets the children dress him, carry him upside down, stroll him in a doll stroller…he purrs the whole time…for easter we hunted for eggs and shared brunch with friends at our friend kim’s house.

in may I attended my cousin kate’s baby shower. I also chaperoned sea’s second field trip to oma’s dairy farm. at the end of the month, bill, nancy and aunt mandy flew across the country to attend a dedication of my dad's memorial chapel in the department of social work. this event coincided with the 5^th anniversary of my dad’s death and though this loss continues to be an underlying ache I’m coming to a place where I can celebrate his life and share with my children and those around me the positive perspective he had on life through my words and actions.

in june we attended our cousin alyssa’s 8^th grade graduation (wasn’t she just a little flower girl in our wedding?!)…manuel and I ran in  the san diego rock roll half marathon…sea had her kindergarten promotion and a class pool party and then soon after we left on a 2.5 week road trip stopping to spend father’s day with m’s family in ventura…time playing with cousins skye and ayva, then picked up missy, clarence and cousin meadow on our way north…we hung out with becki and met her new baby cleo, hit the hotel pools on our drive, ate at black bear diner and eventually made it to our destination, portland. the children had a blast playing with iris and auden…tumbling, climbing, making art and watching mary poppins while manuel and I caught up with marc and karri. I co-hosted a baby shower for ana, paul and their new baby skylar at our friend debbie’s house…it was lovely to hang out with ana in her neck of the woods…a BBQ with many friends at richard/tomi’s house, and hanging out with ana, karri and michal with all our kiddos at a neighborhood café.

our friend wendy spontaneously had us over for a home cooked meal, roasted marshmallows and a professional photo shoot in the meadow by her house (the main photo on our holiday card was taken by her there)…her photography is incredible…if you are anywhere near portland you should have her photograph you http://www.wjcphoto.com/ you can check out her blog post with photos from our photo shoot here: http://wjcphoto.com/blog/?p=244

we briefly met up with kathy and her grandchildren and then went camping on our road trip home. this was one of the highlights for the children; we hope to go camping more regularly! arlene and kenny hosted us in their home in pacifica…homemade dinner, walk to breakfast and the beach the next morning…lovely times…we spent much of the day driving around san francisco and walking across the golden gate bridge (bottom photo on our card)…met up with jeremy and lesley for fun with dogs, dinner, ice cream and a sleep over and then we met up with the in-laws and went to the local swap meet in ventura on our way home. we spent the fourth of july back in san diego…spent the day at the beach and then had pizza and watched fireworks overlooking the bay and downtown with mimi and angee marci…we met our new cousin, ryder, katie’s son, and went swimming with his sister chloe. we were sad to say farewell to dear friends sarah, andy, calvin and desmond who moved to georgia. sea had her annual la jolla shores beach party for her 6^th birthday. over 100 people came! put sunday july 28 on your calendar for her 7^th bday party…

the rest of the summer was filled with beach and pool days…sea taught herself to ride a bike in a few tries, the zoo, sea world, making rocket ship popsicles…story passed the swim test at age 3 with sea’s prompting…they both loved the mary poppins play (and believed she was flying above the audience…asked for a magic umbrella so they could fly, too)…in august sea and story participated in cousin ally’s wedding…walking down the aisle with their cousins kate, lisa and little chloe…

in september  m and I took our first weekend away from the children (thank you mimi and angee marci!) and flew to portland for labor day weekend to celebrate george and lynsey’s wedding at a lovely reception hosted at richard and tomi’s house. it was great to see so many friends together…yair & teresa, tony, jeremy, john, marc & karri to name a few....sea started first grade the day after we returned. later in the month, sea and story both took their inaugural voyage on surf boards at haley’s birthday party.

in october we were blessed to have our friends from australia (we met them on our honey moon in the cook islands) michelle, tama and atina visit us. manuel and I went on a string of dates to various music shows including cold cave, washed out and cut copy, paul simon and a classic band from our high school years OMD…it was an awesome show! I was part of a 1^st café booth at sea’s school for the fall festival, sea was a “princess mermaid fairy” for her class Halloween parade and party and story dressed up as a superhero of some sort with a cape…it was our first year trick-or-treating in our neighborhood  and it was nice to run into many neighbors and classmates.

in november I chaperoned sea’s first 1^st grade field trip to a play performance of sound of music…sea knows most of the songs (story jumps in and sings along with her in the car) and informed us she wants to sing “my favorite things” for this year’s talent show. she has also mentioned on several occasions she wants to “be on stage someday”. we went jogging at mission beach alongside sea and story riding their bikes (replacing the double stroller from earlier this year), la jolla scripps aquarium…thanksgiving with uncle dave and family at the beach house and met our new cousin clara…spent the weekend with manuel’s family…the children loved playing with their cousins…I was missing lorie on what would have been her 40^th bday the end of the month…

it is now december…we just got back from our 2^nd trip to sacramento—1st to celebrate john’s 40^th birthday and to try to “catch” auntie missy giving birth to our new cousin…roman decided to arrive the week after…lovely cousin time and we had fun making music in missy and clarence’s garage…we have various holiday parties we will attend, class activities…music…story is singing how rudolph had a “shiny shiny nose”…we enjoy decorating and singing xmas songs as a family…drinking “egg milk” by the fire…sea is diligently making decorations with special emphasis on cutting out snowflakes (fascinated since she doesn’t see snow here in san diego).

I am considering picking up a few substitute teaching assignments teaching psychology at mesa college nearby in anticipation I may return to teaching once story is in kindergarten; for now I’m loving staying home and being involved in sea’s school.

2011 goals

one of our top goals is to slow down and enjoy what is…we have no immediate trips, weddings or major life events on our horizon…I turn 40 february 15 so I’m trying to figure out if I’ll do something low key with family or m suggested I type “keep the weekend of February 17-20 (president’s day weekend) open for a surprise party for denise” J This will be my last full year to enjoy having story home with me before he starts kindergarten 2013.  I hope to walk sea to school, garden, cook, read and write but mostly to enjoy playing, drawing, building, parks, etc. before sea and story grow up too much more and don’t need me as much (or at least don’t think that they do).

blog update

I continue to enjoy blogging…combining my love for writing, photography, and noticing the minutia of my daily life as mommy… my goal is to post 2 or 3 times a week…I’ve had my google blogspot account for 4 years now and it is almost full so I’m going to be migrating elsewhere this year...any web/blog advice is appreciated! for now you can catch up with us here: http://mommysjourney.blogspot.com/  as always I hope to balance writing about life with living it…you can follow my photo chronicle of our life on flickr my user name is “sea and story’s mommy”

sea and story

I record a lot of the “little things” about sea and story on my blog…they both love art and creating things…recently they’ve been singing together or making music on the piano/drums/instruments they create…they play well together role playing doggies or kitties or that they are married (when they aren’t fighting)…both love to ride bikes, climb trees, explore outdoors and “down the hill”…sea has recently gotten into reading and has gone from sounding out words to reading full books…I couldn’t be more excited that she can share this passion with me now…she still loves writing and illustrating her own stories…usually about mermaids or fairies…story is all boy in some ways…collecting and noticing garbage trucks, cranes, fork lifts, “ollicopters” and zooming around in his superman shirt and cape…on our recent road trips they were both asking to “do math” where we give them problems to solve…story calls his “hard finger math”…they said “we are going to catch some winks” for a “couple whiles” and like watching the “bouncy bears” (berenstain bears)…in between “hugs and snugs” …trying to hold on to all our little things…

staying in touch

please update us with any address, phone or e-mail changes. all our info is the same. we are on and off facebook…a blessing and a curse in trying to be more present with our family yet connected to you all…we love and miss all of you so keep us updated on your lives. we’d love to have you visit! time goes so fast…we thank God for our blessings daily…appreciating the “couple whiles” we have…

Love always,

2011 snapshot in photos

today is the last day of NABLOPOMO...i made it...posting this last post less than 20 minutes before midnight. i'm too tired to write much so i thought it would be appropriate to post some representative photos from 2011 (i'm working on writing our holiday letter and looking over the past year's photos to remember what i want to write about)...the following photos are out of chronological order because they were taken with two cameras and they are uploaded according to jpeg number...i could post them without comment but will give a brief description...

august...story passing the swim test at our community pool...

march...sea and story hanging out in their first snow while at family camp in idyllwild...

march...sea with kyra shortly after we got her...

summer sometime...sea joining the folk band at the swap meet here in san diego...

our sunny son story...

april...story with our new kitten pablo...

august...story running off the diving board after passing the swim test...

august...sea and story exhausted from a full day of swimming...

? sea wiggling one of the 4 teeth she lost this year...

april...easter egg hunt...

september...back to school...

september...sea carrying her box about herself....

september...walking to school with poppy...

? sea and story "getting married"...

october...halloween playdate craft...

? one of many art classes and sea showing her work...

february...running at mission beach...

january...happy new year brunch (this was supposed to be the first photo)...

october...sea as a princess fairy mermaid with her brother as pooh at her school...

? sometime at the beach...

?...beach...

june...sea's promotion from kindergarten...

january...sea early "surfing" with dad...

? sunny beach day with smiling dad...

? dad and sea snuggling...

? story after dropping sea off at school stopping to pick dandelions...

june...sea's last day of school...

november...family thanksgiving shot with our new cousin clara...

february...about to run the surf city marathon...

february...dad's 40th bday party at our house...

february...sea taking valentines to school and a card for ms. baker...

march...story's 3rd birthday party at our house...

march...story showing he is 3...

february...sea singing somewhere over the rainbow in the school talent show...

july...heading home on our road trip at the golden gate bridge in san francisco...

july...sea's 6th birthday party at the beach...