...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Friday, June 27, 2008

road trip to corpus christi overview

it is 7:41 a.m. and i have been up for almost 2 hours...we are halfway through our road trip and other than a few notes in my journal i have not chronicled this trip at all! i have some great photos but not nearly as many as i'd hoped. i will post photos to the corresponding blogs once i get the ideas down. i'm excited to have the family sleeping and an hour or so of free mommy time to bask in the sunlight pouring through the lobby window...enjoying way too many pastries (bear claw/almond/marzipan type pastry is my favorite) and a lot of coffee....lounging in my pjs...and thinking of the possibilities for the day now that we are "here" and not on our way somewhere else.

my dear friend ana is getting married here tomorrow. she is staying at the nicer hotel next door and we are in a somewhat rundown quality inn..it has a "beachy" feel to it and we have a great view of the ocean (technically the bay since we are on the gulf of mexico side), sand, pool and a grassy area.

ana is getting married in a church...this was originally something her parents really wanted but with 90+ degree weather (already, before 8 a.m.) and too much humidity (thunderstorms are expected the next couple of days so yeah, we may hit 100% humidity) i think we will all be grateful to be indoors. the reception will be at the aquarium. should be cool. she has some great friends and ana has been very good at keeping us all updated on one another so i feel like i know these people pretty well. in lieu of a rehearsal dinner she is having a pizza, beer and wine social tonight.

ok, that is pretty much where we are at now. so i'll give you an overview of where we have been and where we are going and then start posting "day 1" etc. type posts to pretend like i have been updating this blog all along. that will also make it feel more like a "dear diary" type entry which i love...

we left friday, june 20 around 9 p.m...m had hoped to get off work early. his parents had hoped to be there the day before. we had hoped to be completely packed so we could literally jump in the car. none of these things happened and coordinating the agendas and junk of four adults and two children took way too long. sea still managed to be happy as a clam and stayed up singing much of the drive.

story just woke up...more later...d

Saturday, June 14, 2008

the journey forward

this photo was taken in may, 2004 one year before my dad passed away. we were driving in petersburg, va (his hometown) back east for his mom's funeral. we had a specific destination in mind but i remember when i took this photo it felt more conceptual...just the journey of life and i was especially struck by the sun highlighting my father's worn yet supportive hand on the wheel so to speak...i feel very morbid and dramatic typing this but the reality is the last memory i would have of him would be holding this same hand after he passed...so from a conceptual standpoint i am just thinking about life as a journey and passing experiences and support on through the generations...and beyond the symbolism what i would do to just hold his hand and not let go...

on some unconscious level i guess i feel like i have to write about him or his effect on my life to keep his memory alive or show others my deep love for him and how much he meant (means) in my life but i must remind myself that truly he would rather my life reflect that and not obsess over including him in there specifically.

his sister recently wrote (in reply to an e-mail i sent her...my words in quotes):

"..I guess I felt badly that you didn't mention my dad at all"(in an e-mail to me on the anniversary of his death)

she replied:

Denise, There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my brother, your Dad and also my mother and father. I miss them all so much.They were every important people in my life ,as far back as I can remember. The memories will never go away, but somehow we must go forward and live our life for and with the love ones we have around us. You have two beautiful children that you love very much, so concentrate on them. Life is not always fair. I know you feel they have been robbed, all too soon, of a wonderful loving granddaddy and you, a father. Also, think how much loss and pain your mother is feeling. He was her soul mate. He did so much for her and she is all alone. There are always positives to the negatives. Hopefully more of the positives.
I can't write down everything about my brother that I can remember from the past, It would take volumes Someday when we are together, we can talk and I hopefully can answer your questions.
Keep you chin up and know your Dad is somewhere over the rainbow, looking down on all of us with a great big grin on his face. He left us all with so much. Let's try not to disappoint him.
My love to all, _______

i felt resentful and angry i even have to figure out how to mourn/live without him but that is the reality...so instead i'm going to do what he always did and what she is right, he would want me to do, and focus on the positives and live my life well...

so this post is meant to be a symbolic "moving forward" to allow me to post about the random whatevers in my life experiences, my crazy thoughts and analysis, the mundane and sometimes sacred daily moments...here is one of sea eating breakfast...feeding her favorite friend goggin...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

daddy's day summarized

well it has been two weeks since my dad's day as i have referred to the anniversary of his passing and it could easily be months before i move on with other ideas to blog about so i am making myself sit down (yes, it is 3 a.m. when i have finally run out of other things going on to make myself do this) and summarize the day...

the easiest way to do this would be to start by copying and pasting part of an e-mail i sent to my friend who also lost her dad shortly after i lost mine...

"how are you? i was prepared to be very emotional and irrational today
and the irony is that all day i felt so "normal" and productive that
now i'm questioning my sanity (or at least general sense of well-
being) on most other days! i didn't think about my dad nearly as much
as i wanted to although i enjoyed breakfast at the restaurant we took
him to for his 65th bday overlooking la jolla cove, drove to the
place on the bay where he passed away and watched a video from the
65th bday party he threw for my mom (sea was story's age now). all of
these things seemed very far away. it seemed like he had been gone
for years. and then when the day was almost over i suddenly had the
urge to call him and just talk about nothing in particular...so maybe
i was a little bit in denial...suddenly as i'm trying to recap for
you i feel exhausted and emotionally drained so maybe i had built
this up and then didn't feel anything and now i don't have the
physical energy to feel? i don't even feel like brainstorming anymore.

(other unrelated stuff here...)

do you blog at all? that has been cathartic in some ways but in
others i feel like i SHOULD blog and haven't felt up to it.

i really don' t have much to say. i should have typed this to you
when i felt "normal" although that was relatively short lived and
part of what i love about our friendship is that i can share all the
down parts of myself and feel supported and often understood by you.

...more here...

love, d"

and now even though that e-mail pretty much summarized my dad's day i feel compelled to copy and paste part of a follow-up e-mail i just sent her to tell more about where i'm at with this loss...

"i feel like most people in my life are either working to forget my dad or have successfully 'moved on' with their life...this is not my agenda and in fact it makes me feel really sad in a different way from the acute missing of him in the beginning to just an ache or emptiness"

so i really just wanted to use the anniversary of his death as a day to celebrate him and talk more about him and very few people around me wanted to do that.

it is too late to try and write much more on this topic so i'll try to move past it and blog about something else i care about...i still welcome any feedback and memories of my dad that any of you readers have to share...