...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...


Monday, May 31, 2010

happy memorial day and commenting on comments

i wish i had more profound words to share today on memorial day. i really get quite self-absorbed on this weekend since my dad passed away the day before memorial day 4 years ago...it has become "in memory of my dad" instead of honoring those who serve or reflecting on those lost...

honestly i know very few people in the military and wish i was more connected to this aspect of our society...or really i wish we didn't have a need for military at all, but then that is my hippy idealism and the reality is we do have many many who have served and lost their lives whether the fighting was justified or not so i want to concentrate on that and not get into any political debates!

that said, i got a little sad i had no comments on my last post...a short one...really, only a video of our family at the beach and i feel like i'm linking it now so if you catch this post you can go back and check it out! which shows some of the games i feel that i play with blogging instead of having the integrity i strive for or blogging for the right reasons. if i wasn't so tired from 3 full days at the beach i might start the task of writing about blogging and commenting...i know i haven't been up to speed on commenting on other blogs for sure. i'd like to truly follow people in the sense of reading every post they write instead of when i have time to check my reader...but on the flip side i am always striving for BALANCE and LIVING instead of documenting life so i should just appreciate those care free moments at the beach instead of caring if anyone else ever sees them or even for that matter if i record them on video for our family...LIVE them and RE-LIVE them and just be...

Sunday, May 30, 2010

too much fun at the beach

video
this video of a typical "spring day" at the beach (it was taken a couple weeks ago when it was a little cooler...there were like 20X the number of people at the same beach yesterday and today...and yes, we will be there again tomorrow) is a little long. you can get the "feel" for the beach and the fun we have there in just a few seconds so don't feel like you need to watch the entire thing...but that is where we have been and where we will be all weekend so more blogging for me in a few days...hope you are enjoying your memorial day weekend!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

me, my dad and my sis in a field of poppies...and "tea"



it is late and my daughter is still up...serving me "tea" and "shakes" out of her wooden toys...i'm tired so my hopes of catching up on others' blogs and writing something memorable about my dad or about blogging or summarizing/sharing your thoughts on blogging is going to have to be put off once again...this photo feels centuries ago...like we are out on a prairie in undeveloped territory...sea is now making me a "list" that she is crossing off saying "she isn't here anymore" "he isn't here anymore" "YOU are the only one here"...only i'm not...i really want to be more present for my daughter even if it is almost 10:30 p.m. and she should have been in bed 2.5 hours ago...and there were so many things on my own list i'd hoped to do tonight. this is my job; my life; my love...being a mommy and being here now, even when i had other ideas...now i'm feeling guilty i didn't even choose a photo of her serving me tea...i'm sure i can find one...so i'll go back to following her play and in between her search for other props i'll see...otherwise, i'll catch you later...she is finally ready for bed but here she is serving tea to her brother and kitty friends...

Friday, May 28, 2010

i love you dad


in memory of my dad who passed away 4 years ago today...i figure i'm about 5 years old (hugging him) and my sister is about 2...i don't have energy for much more than this photo...thank you for your support and friendship...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

goodnight

today got away from me...tonight we met some cousins at the redlands market night, got some frozen yogurt and now, after just putting story to sleep close to midnight, i am just now getting sea to sleep...so i didn't drive home to san diego and am no longer taking the walk my dad took to the bay on his last day tomorrow morning...instead i will spend a little time with our 90-year-old neighbor hazelle and maybe swing by my dad's grave before heading home...goodnight...thanks for your love and support...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

thinking about my dad

i'm at my mom's house for a reunion planning committee meeting (i live in san diego but grew up 1.5 hours inland near riverside and that is where my high school/meetings are)...i probably would have missed this one as we haven't done much since our last one and not many people attended (i didn't know that of course until i drove out here)...anyway, one of the reasons i decided to come out is that the 4 year anniversary of losing my dad is this friday. my mom and sister do all that they can to NOT think about my dad on that day and i just can't relate with that coping mechanism (that is the day i concentrate the most on re-living memories, watching old videos, visiting his favorite places, talking about him, etc.) so we end up spending the anniversary of his death apart. i thought i'd also go by dad's grave tomorrow and be near him in the sense of growing up in this home for the first 18 years of my life (attended the same grade school all 12)...anyway, much of this was on an unconscious level even though the days leading up to this date have been heavy on me most of this month. my sister has very few photos on this computer but this one of my son, story, reminds me of my dad on some intuitive level even more than they look alike...i think if i had to describe it simply, it would be a "quiet inner peace and soft smile"...of course i don't think my sister has any photos of my dad on this computer i'm typing on so i'll have to upload some of those on friday (nearly 24 hours away since i'm cutting this post close to make "wednesday")

...i was going to share one more detail about my husband possibly getting laid off as it relates to my dad and re-prioritizing values and just looking at my life on a little more global level...after we (my husband and i) had a heart to heart about the possibility of him getting laid off, we determined we would hold off on vacation plans, only buy essentials, cut way back on luxuries, etc. so going out to eat at a somewhat upscale restaurant overlooking the water in la jolla (the last meaningful celebration breakfast we had for my dad's 65th birthday...a place that reminds me of him and his love for the water) for breakfast on friday was out of the question. at first i was a little pouty about this and could feel myself "guilting" manuel into making an exception. but he always gives in to me on things i really want or really care about and i realized this decision is not about me or about withholding something i want, it is about US and making decisions that are best for our family. i don't care any less about my dad because i can't spend the first part of "his" day there, even if i've done this as a tradition the times we have been in town on this anniversary. in fact, my dad always made sacrifices and would pack himself PB & J's instead of eating out most of our life to provide more for us...so it is actually more a reflection of him to forgo this...it is probably, per usual, more something I wanted to do than for his memory even if i do feel connected to him there somehow. so instead i am going to take "the" walk from our old apartment down to the bay, sit in front of the ship where he had a cardiac arrest and died and then walk along the bay to seaport village and eat with my children, a close friend and her children. later i will babysit for her while she packs/cleans to move into our neighborhood...that is something my dad would do instead of moping around thinking about his loss...

appropriately, a train is calling out in the distance. it is like my dad speaking to me and happens often in times of acute pain or loss or missing him. i can't really explain it other than a train went by that night when i was holding his hand after he had passed away, probably called out a similar sound and so in some weird way i didn't plan, i felt his spirit pass from his dead body through that sound in the future. my beliefs in the after life don't allow me to believe his spirit ACTUALLY did this, but trains calling out are still comforting to me, a reminder he is always with me and will lead me/show me/talk to me/be with me when i need him. i actually credit God with this peace and am shocked at how calm and un-emotional i feel typing these words. in the first few months and years of losing my dad i had a crazy, tormenting soul-aching pain that i thought could never be healed..."time heals all wounds they say" is true in some ways...i'm in no ways HEALED but so, so much better and "ok" with this loss in a way...i can look forward to reuniting with him and my son can get to know his granddaddy in heaven.

i can't really think of anything more precious to follow that idea.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

reprioritizing values

my husband just found out that a subdivision of his office didn't get their contract renewed and 36 people have to be re-located or laid off. they are going by hire date and he has been working there just over 5 years...he could be on the laid off list...so, needless to say, worrying about why i blog or comments is low on my list of concerns. we should know in the next couple of weeks...in the meantime i'm cutting all non-essentials out of our life and learning how to truly live simply...appreciating the little things even more...

Monday, May 24, 2010

motivation and lack thereof and sea stories

so i've already come down to the wire on the 48 hours i gave myself to write about...J.B. kindly suggested i write a post a question and that definitely sounds more doable so i'm thinking i'll just start with the clutter in my head and then "pick" a question that sounds like something i could handle writing about. i really could use some analysis on why i need deadlines or external incentives to motivate myself to do things that are important...i wish i had a stronger internal will to make things happen...blogging every day is just too much for me right now. i don't enjoy blogging when i feel that i HAVE to post every day. nor do i like leaving one post for 3 weeks because i don't have anything better to say...

so my new plan for this blog is to make it a reflection of my life...that means crazy and chaotic with several posts in a row and then allowing time in between...i think the only requirement that i will have of myself is that i don't go more than 4 days without blogging because then it is just as easy to allow weeks to go by...i am also going to allow mundane or less "meaningful" posts and not putting assignments on myself...just typing when i have the time and energy and interest...

one friend, elaine, who first inspired me to start a blog replied "when I started it was to provide my children with a look into their mother's life and their own, from the very beginning. I wanted them to know what it was like for me to become their mom and to see what their world looked like when they were wee. I still have that goal in mind. I still always have them in my vision when I blog, even when it has nothing to do with them." and really, even though my early reasons for starting a blog weren't quite as noble (i probably had that idea in the back of my mind, just wish it had been my motivator) i think that is where i'm at now...my blog title sounds so self-absorbed being about MY journey as a mommy but really i needed to figure some things out, figure more of myself out (lots of work to do in that area, too!) and now i feel like i'm more at peace with who i am, where i am and i want this blog to be more about my children and my place in their lives. so i'm going to try to capture more "little things"...

like today sea told me i have a "gooder remembery than" she does...we spent some time planting "seeds" in the garden (something she found that looked like a seed)...she made a little "book" out of several pages of drawings...i believe it was the story of charlotte's web...right now story is playing alone in the train room, singing to himself...sea just set two big chairs side by side, sat down with her "queen hat" on (crown) and said "mom, i need someone to be my king...story, now sit down and be my king"...story is remembering to go potty in the potty about 50% of the time and gets excited about particular underpants like his "gunky" (monkey) ones of the "choo-choo's"...he specifically asks for these by name (sound) in a very determined way i don't remember sea doing though they do have a strong will in common...today sea was telling me a story in the car "here is the story you can tell us...about a kitty named mittens, the boy kitty, and his sister named littens and the mom is mary and the dad is larry...and they love to go to the beach...but their mommy always makes them wear sunscreen...when they don't go to the beach they do crafts and go to the park and play and never come home..." story was filling in the few words he knew while she talked and i just smiled to myself thinking about them telling one another stories someday and especially when they include so many details from their daily life...

right now sea and story are pretending like they are in a kingdom and sea is saying "come on, come on, wake up! let's go jump around but let's fix our bed before we do anything...we can go out in the kingdom and pick flowers and sit on our chairs and wait for people to come and meet us because a king and queen have lots of work to do" and story is saying "up high" and trying to climb the filing cabinet...the one that is like 5 feet tall...now he is nursing standing up while i type and trying to put his crown over my milky so he can nurse through it? they say "truth is stranger than fiction"...

the spinach and cheese ravioli are done...story was helping me cook and also wanted to throw in frozen corn, peas and green beans so i'm going to throw those ingredients together with some tomatoes and avocado and call it a meal...

i've felt so much better getting these little things down...the idea going through my head these past few days of procrastination has been "i wanted to blog but life got in the way" and now i feel like i'm living, observing and blogging...the perfect combo if i can get the balance right...

oh wait, i still haven't answered any of my questions...hopefully this has been tangentially related to them...i will have your replies up by late wednesday night along with my comments...still hope i can give you more before i read yours....

this post was having publishing so we have since eaten, brushed teeth, read worship stories and sea has declared "i'm going to sleep in my bed tonight for the WHOLE night"...despite our delays of extra hugs and kisses and goodnights to story, she got up out of our bed and fell promptly to sleep with little more than a tuck in (our request, not hers) and her "basket of chocolates" beside her...

there were several cute things story said during worship (he "reads" his own Bible while daddy reads a real worship story aloud to sea)...him pointing to adam and eve and saying "mama? dada?" and pointing to fire (daniel and the lion's den) and saying "haw" (hot) and then "mama?" like he is nervous...hugging me tightly...he's learning his colors and was pointing out "meem" "dellow" "blue"...but i'm having trouble commenting on them with mixed emotions about sea trying to sleep in her own room again...like she is trying to grow up and do what we would like her to at the same time...we know we need to let her go so we aren't encouraging her to stay in our bed per se, just not rushing her out, either...i'm off to bed myself...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

blogging brainstorm procrastination

excuses, excuses...i'm not even going to resort to filler photos (though i do have over 60,000 photos on my hard drive and could probably throw up a few comments and call it a post)...i'm just too exhausted to post on the topic. it was very fascinating to me when i posted the questions...even contacted some of my mommy blogger friends who first inspired me to blog and asked them the same things...they were equally overwhelmed...so i've decided when i do finally get up this post i will simplify my questions and then ask them again for those of you who still want to participate but maybe in a lesser sense...then i will include the links and answers (kristin, i haven't forgotten the wonderful lengthy e-mail you sent me!) as well as my comments...

for now, i'll give you a quick summary of my weekend just to give a snapshot of how i often fit too much in...friday day was spent mostly cleaning the house and then we threw an engagement party for one of manuel's colleagues...he invited his whole office and we had a house full of people that night...saturday morning i woke up early and went to lead sabbath school...immediately after that we attended a birthday party for a 5-year-old friend in a nearby park...following that we dropped by a friend's new home...she is one of my best friends and they just bought a house literally right down the street between our house and the school sea will attend...so we saw all the work they've been doing and met some of their immediate neighbors...then we went to an anniversary celebration for the school sea will go to...i forget what we did last night...this morning we ate breakfast as a family and then spent the majority of the day at a nearby swap meet...we usually go to the beach on weekends but it was too windy and cold (low 60's)...after that we ran a few errands like picking up a shed manuel got off craigslist...almost $400 new he paid $25!!! i tell you my hubby is amazing at finding deals...a lock at home depot, groceries at a couple stores and ate at souplantation. we got home a couple hours ago and bathed the children, read them stories and then i spent the last hour nursing story to sleep (he is going through a growth spurt or something)...none of this sounds that interesting in re-reading it but one of the things i was going to talk about as far as reasons why i blog is to somehow find the balance between the meaningful and the mundane and though these ideas may have no meaning to those reading them, i will appreciate looking back over these little things that filled our days at this point in our life, and really it is often these little details that i find interesting in blogs i read...like how people prioritize their time and what they value and how they fit it all in...what is too much, what is worth it, what they were glad they did and what they wish they left out...

on that note, i almost bought a coo-coo clock for the kids who love to sing "so long farewell" from the sound of music and pop out from behind adults to say "coo-coo!"

so i apologize that i am stalling on this idea again...i did give myself 48 hours so that means tomorrow night is my deadline...i'm actually looking forward to reading your comments and summarizing/commenting on them even more than writing my own (i obsess over these things and ramble and free associate about way too much and lose where i was going or hoping to go with the ideas)...so be thinking about what you can add or share on the topic of why you blog, what you look for in blogs you read, your views on commenting and commenters...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"story, where is your..."

nose?
eye?
mouth?

only manuel asks these in spanish and i don't have the energy to look up spelling...sorry that's all i've got for you but sometimes the little things are more than enough...

blogging brainstorm and summary of your thoughts within the next 48 hours i promise...

Friday, May 21, 2010

sea and story's first art class

i love this shot of story and sachi waiting for class to begin...
and my elegant friend charita who tries to avoid photos but stands out in the background of this shot in bhavna's art studio as she begins the lesson...
the pupils listening intently...
ruhi even raised her hand! sea would never have thought to do that...
story peering over to see what bhavna is doing...sachi checking out what story is doing...
desmond reaching down to check out garland...
you can see the still life cosmos on the left...
action shot, sea hard at work drawing...
she looks so serious looking up to see what i need...
i love sarah and dez in together in the background...more action shots...
sea so proud of her finished product! i feel guilty i later asked her to "fill in the background" like the other kids...i think i liked her version better than my vision...
feeling proud and shy at the same time...
lisa truly is an artist...
story even joined in...
showing me his pastel!
sachi and her mamma...
story in the foreground and bhavna chatting with sea about her drawing...
i love this shot of the older and younger hands together...
sea posing in front of her work on the easel...
sea observing ruhi's work...
then filling in her background...
story showing of his...
and finally, sea's rainbow...

this art class was yesterday...today i was getting ready for a party we hosted tonight...i will post my angles on blogging by sundayish? sorry for the delay...thanks for participating...oh, and sea slept in our bed last night so this will be a process...:)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

drawing of sea sleeping in her bed with her kitty

yesterday sea drew this photo of herself in a bed with her kitty and story on the top bunk...i didn't really make any connection at the time...she did end up back in our bed around 3 last night (this morning)...we went to sea's first art class today...i'm so exhausted from tossing and turning and/or not sleeping all night that i can barely get this post down...still owe you many interviews on blogging, my take and my summary on your thoughts...soon, i promise...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

sleep sadness

tonight, out of the blue, sea declared "goodnight mommy, goodnight daddy...i'm going to sleep...give me a kiss" and then promptly marched down the hall, turned on her night light, turned off her light, climbed into her own bed, and pulled the covers up to her chin. she was in fact asleep in minutes. noteworthy, if you don't know, because she has spent the past 4 years and 10 months in our bed...with no encouragement from us to sleep elsewhere...we miss you little "ee"!!!

so i know on a logical level this is a good thing and a natural progression...a sign of her independence and security that she could do this so easily...but i can't get over the longing and sadness i feel and i'm not sure what to do with myself :(

needless to say, no rambling and philosophizing on why i blog or others' blogs...sorry to leave you hanging on that...but for this huge milestone in our family's life tonight i really wanted to write on that topic and i still look forward to reading your comments/posts and summarizing/linking them in the near future...

i'm off to bed...to mope and hope she returns part way through...or not...i can't decide which would be easier/better for all of us but there will definitely be a huge gap in our bed tonight :(

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

what i'm hoping to do

i was going to use the title of this post to answer my rambling questions about why i blog, what blogs i follow and comments (making and receiving them)...but also my ongoing life task of balancing the mundane and the meaningful...appreciating the past, hoping for the future but living in the now...plus life goals...way too open-ended...anyway, i'd love to hear your take and answers so i'm working to set up a mcklinky...i have an account, just have to wait for sea and story to go to bed to figure it out...go read the questions and reflect on your experiences and values and current take on blogging...looking forward to reading them all once i find the time to write my answers! thanks for participating!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

mommy stuff, excuses, blogging questions and answers

i took this photo of story nursing on me on the morning of mother's day. i don't think of myself as vain or that self-critical of what i look like, but somehow i just feel and/or look like i'm SO tired and old...that disclaimer aside, i do like how peaceful and attached story looks and i must remind myself that i appreciate that tonight after nursing and re-nursing and then nursing him again so much so that i ran out of milk (?!) i can only think of a few times that has happened...but of course that happened for 2.5 hours tonight as i was thinking of all my answers to yesterday's (too) many questions about blogging...heck, i'm getting stressed just thinking about what all those questions were and i LIKE answering lots of questions so i can see why most commenters stuck with answering one or two...

i find it ironic or perhaps appropriate that not only did i not make it to all my favorite blogs to request feedback on this topic, i didn't even make it to thank those who DID comment...so i'm trying to decide in the few minutes before i should go back to sleep (oh, one of my excuses is that sea is really sick...came down with a fever yesterday and has been listless and moping around all day) if i should try to answer those questions or visit blogs...i'm going to go for thank-yous first and see if i have time for more...if so, i'll edit this post...if not, look for answers to the questions tomorrow or take a second and comment your answers if you haven't already...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

blogging brainstorm

if you have found this post (either because i lured you here or accidentally) please read on through my rambles so you can give me some advice! i'm at a blogging cross roads...

i'm not in very many photos. usually this is by design but then there are times when i feel resentful i'm always behind the camera and wish my friends and family would offer to get me in shots (yeah, i know, i can't expect to have it both ways...like usually i don't want to be in photos and then suddenly they should know when i do want to be in them?)...anyway, recently i posted some idyllic photos of sea spinning around in her "ballerina princess fairy" skirt in wonderful sunlight on warm hardwood floors...i had trouble moving past that post which is another (yet related) topic...this was one of the shots my husband took and i love it because i didn't know he was getting me on film (i prefer photojournalistic to posed shots) and sea just looks so into what she is doing, like she doesn't care who is watching her...

i digress...

this morning sometime before 5, my two children decided they are both going through a growth spurt and needed to nurse out of control. usually i am a very heavy sleeper and can whack out my back to accommodate this and then go back to sleep. this morning i was having a fair number of anxiety dreams anyway and after i got the children to sleep around 6:45 i was just UP but in a good, fully energized even without coffee sorta way. so i decided to go with it. i even had strong opinions and questions and analyses (is that how you spell the plural of "analysis"?) on my mind...something worth writing about and the time to do it! wow! a crazy combination i am not familiar with (i know, when my children are off to school and i have oodles of time i will look back and miss the days of them hanging from me and wanting to spend every second with me)

i'm digressing again...i usually do that...in paragraph run-on sentence form...

i'm going to try and put more spaces between my ideas, though...

so maybe i'll start with my questions for you if you don't want to read on through my rambles...answer any or all of them...whichever ones move you or apply to you or you'd like to share your thoughts/experiences...i'm asking new and old bloggers, "big" (active with lots of comments) and small...friends, locals, mommies, random, you name it...so if you read through any comments i do get on this topic, they should be pretty diverse!

1. why do you blog?
2. why did you originally start blogging? have your reasons changed?
3. how often do you blog? does this vary?
4. do you have a routine of any sorts when you make time to blog or just when you have time/are moved to do so?
5. how often do you read other blogs?
6. how do you choose which blogs to read?
7. do you follow any? do you define follow as adding yourself to their list and checking your reader when you are reading blogs in general or do you literally read every post they write?
8. how often do you comment on blogs?
9. how do you "thank" people for commenting on your blog? here are some choices: immediate reply on your blog after their comment; personal e-mail; writing a thank-you on their blog as a comment; commenting on their blog to "indirectly" thank them; none of the above; no thanks
10. do you stay on top of comments? i.e. always thank/comment for a comment for every commenter? does this ever feel insincere and if so how have you solved that?
11. how do you encourage meaningful comments? i.e. i'd like to have friends or at least people who care about me giving me advice or answering questions i have instead of just "cute photo" which is often what i feel like i need to resort to as alluded to in #10
12. do you blog more for yourself (to keep a record of your life, to figure things out) or do you account for what your readers might want to hear about when choosing what to blog about?
13. do you have ongoing themes (mommy, art, photos) or is your blog more random?
14. when you get in a funk and don't feel like blogging (for a LONG time) how do you keep your readers? get back in the mix? catch up with blogs you used to follow?
15. have you ever made a fellow blogger upset and how has that affected you or what happened? i believe i did this one time and i still haven't "researched" it to figure out how/why...i think i inadvertently "un-followed" her when i changed one blog i was following to "private" (i didn't like the content of several of her posts and wasn't sure if i was going to continue following this blog or not)...another theory i have is that she is someone who blogs every day and for while she was my best commenter...literally commenting every post i wrote...though i loved this, i got nervous because i wasn't sure if i was supposed to do the same with her and i didn't want to leave insincere comments just to comment
16. do you list blogs you follow on your blog? i've really wanted to spread the love this way but worry what if i only kinda like some of these or these bloggers stop blogging regularly and what about all the other blogs i kinda follow and won't those people feel left out? i feel like my favorite blogs are often "big" already and don't need any extra love spreading and though these blogs say something about me and i don't mind directing readers there, i'd rather list friends or smaller blogs but these people can sometimes go months between posts? how do you balance all these things?
17. i'm already over this topic so i suppose i can't expect you to read and respond to more than 17 questions...maybe when you comment below you could just summarize your blogging journey, include some experiences with my questions and then share where you are at now? or just answer one or two of my questions...any other advice/opinions you have?

i started this blog shortly before story was born...it was almost entirely for myself, to get down my anxiety about "waiting" for him to arrive and the unknown of having two children. i was fortunate to have a supportive mommy group who commented regularly and gave me advice and i didn't realize that isn't something that just happens with blogs. so i should have nurtured those commenters (not just as friends, but on their blogs as well)...now i think very few of my local friends even read my blog so it is kind of strange to have strangers know more about me in some ways? how do you feel about that?

my husband is up and now frustrated because the house is messy and we have a lot to do this morning and i'm looking at it like i have "free" time before my alarm was going to go off and before the kids wake up...but these parenting/relationship issues are for another post for sure! anyway, i'd love your feedback and hopefully i'll get to visit a bunch of blogs tonight to recruite comments! thanks for dropping by and being part of my blogging community!

Friday, May 14, 2010

hanging out with m

....definitely i think every 3 or 4 days is best for me...nablopomo is too hard...hung out with m tonight instead...so if you are dropping by, and feel like commenting on the matter, how often do you blog? on second thought, i am going to do an entire post on the meaning of blogging...i'd love your input on why you blog? who reads your blog? what blogs do you read? why? etc...i have 45 minutes to compose this before my children wake up...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

missing sleep



i really just wanted to stay in bed tonight after putting my children to sleep...these are close-ups of story sleeping somewhere (car seat?)...he definitely got those sweet lips from his daddy...anyway, i have too much on my mind, too much anxiety, too much to do, not enough sleep, not enough time, not a good balance, etc. etc. disclaimers for why this is all i can bring myself to write tonight. hope to be a better blogger, commenter, mommy, wife, friend, relative, etc. soon...for now i'm missing sleep and headed back there...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

i'm being very self-indulgent...lying on my stomach facing out the window...sun is low, typing on a laptop...my kids are crazy right now (speaking of this topic last post) and have been for about 48+ hours and i've been ignoring that (and them to some extent) which is never a good way to handle crazies (i know this because in trying this approach with my mom through the years she will find crazier ways to behave to get attention)...anyway, my mom temporarily has the kids engaged in a puzzle of sorts and i even hear an occasional laugh so i'm going to free associate on this idea. the idea that i have always LOVED writing...kept a regular journal since age 8 but never really studied it in school because i would sabotage myself with procrastination or needing some impetus or depressive episode to motivate myself to write...so here is my blogging conundrum: i've tried blogging every day and i've tried waiting until i felt "moved" to write and found that both approaches have really worked and really not worked. couple that with the idea that i do enjoy reading others' blogs and have even joined a "comment for a comment" group on NABLOPOMO which itself i have mixed feeling about...maybe some of you regular bloggers can chime in on how you balance feeling like you should comment on or thank every commenter yet not wanting to do it immediately after receiving it so it feels like you only comment because they did? do you know what i mean? one of my favorite blogs to read is a hippy chic like myself who got so big (her blog anyway) that she no longer needed to visit others' blogs to get comments but then i felt badly when she never visited my blog or thanked me for comments after i spent so many hours reading and writing long comments on her...i feel like in some ways i dropped the ball on that relationship since she visited my blog several times in the beginning when i first had one and i never really understood that one should try to leave a many comments as they have had left for them or just reciprocity in this area in general.

i'm also really starting to hate my run-on sentences. yes, that is how i think and i can show readers how i go between ideas but it feels heavy and laborious to wade through...now i'm distracted by story crawling all over my lap, nursing while i type...popping off to say "haaappy" then "mum-gees!" when i re-arrange him and he can't get a good latch and lounge at the same time...oh the joys of motherhood...i really am able to enjoy these little moments even though i'd like a solid hour to myself now and then (i usually sleep when i have these!)...

so looking back over my last few posts...i meant to fill you in on mother's day...my ideals, the last one before my dad died 4 years ago, what actually happened, etc. and instead i think you just got a title that day as we were at my mother-in-law's house and i didn't have access to a fast enough computer to justify jumping on without offending anyone...then a few posts before that there were some idyllic photos of sea dancing around in sunlight that i just had difficulty moving past...

do others have trouble writing a new post when you liked the previous one better? or wanting to edit a last post or add a post in between and never getting to go back to those things? do i obsess over these things too much? maybe i should revisit the crazy theme and variations of it...

i was really into this idea before my body got taken over by my suckling son so i'm off to finish packing and head back to san diego. tomorrow i host a cooking themed preschool...spanish themed complete with sangria...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

how do you know if you are crazy?

i thought that would be a catchy title! ha! but the funny thing is tonight in our reunion planning committee meeting i was actually reflecting on this idea...we decided to add a link on our reunion website entitled "gossip" just to be kind of a hook to get people to see what is written there and then just poke fun of ourselves (the committee members)...as we brainstormed on what information to put there, we were cracking ourselves up and just kept disclosing more information about ourselves...it was kind of a group therapy session of sorts...

as i was driving home, chatting with my husband and asking him if he thought i was crazy (then? now?) and how i never really thought i was crazy at the time he said something like "i think that is one of the defining aspects of craziness, you don't realize that you are" which got me thinking about the genetic component and whether you could be "crazy" at one point and not be crazy now (which is how i feel)...i remember talking to a therapist back in the day about how "crazy" my mom was (using the term loosely and not clinically) and how afraid i was that i was crazy and how i took an MMPI and when my therapist interpreted it he told me i was elevated on several crazy scales but based on my high honesty scores and something else (?) he interpreted this to mean i was AFRAID of these things and not actually that way? interesting...

anyway, i'm off to update our 20 year reunion website and blog there, too. (drop by and give me feedback on that, too if you are up for it...) if you want a quick synopsis of one of the "crazy" stories from high school, i'll share a quick story that still cracks me up...i was "obsessed" with this one guy and got a job at a cafe a few houses down from his house. i used to do "drive bys" regularly to see if he was home, what he was doing, etc...i also worked as a medical transcriptionist and one day i was typing up a patient's progress notes and he was telling the psychiatrist i worked for how one of the members of the office staff was "stalking" him...i read more in his chart, curious who he was referring to and why he thought this...at first i thought it was just because his diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenic that he would think that...until i saw his home was RIGHT NEXT to the guy that i HAD been stalking! ha! how funny is that to make someone already paranoid believe their fears because they are there reality?

ok, that is all for now...maybe i'll actually have time to check out some of your blogs tonight (it has been way too long) but if you read this, i'd love your comments on how/why you think people are crazy. i could give many more details on why i am...:)

Monday, May 10, 2010

dropped balls

i failed to book my southwest vouchers for our flight to the east coast this summer...now that i'm getting around to it there are NO flights from any airport within 3 hours of us or within 8 hours of new york for the entire month of june and right up until we have to leave in july...so that is my task late tonight...

Friday, May 7, 2010

"meem"

story's favorite color is "meem"...he's holding a "meem" pen if your not sure what color that is...sea and story have been making mother's day cards and we are heading out in a couple hours to visit my in-laws for the weekend...while on the topic of "little things", sea asked me today for a "flavor" (favor)...story calls all birds "quackies", he says "dank ew" for thank you and "uv ew" for love you...just started calling monkeys "gunkey's" today...he's been walking around the house the last hour saying "happy...poppy" "poppy?" "happy"...now sea is asking me "how much longer are we not going to go?" kinda the flip side to the question but that is how she likes to ask them...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

children's cooking playgroup #2

today i went to a playgroup where the kids made pretzels...i have a lot of other things on my mind right now so i'll just leave you with these photos...




sea was very proud of herself...she decided to make a "kitty" shape...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

interview #1 with a 4-year-old (sea)

i hosted a gardening, cinco de mayo, early mother's day themed preschool at my house today...all but one of the members of the co-op attended (15) and then i invited non-member friends totaling almost the same...i'd say close to 30 people (most of them kids under 5) were running through my house for roughly 3 hours today...i'm too exhausted to upload the few photos i took or summarize so i thought i'd just list the questions and (sea's) answers from the interview i had moms complete (we switched kids figuring we would get different answers with a child other than our own):

what do you call your mommy? "mommy james" (story's middle names are manuel james?)
do you have any nicknames for her? danuse
what is your favorite thing about your mommy? having picnics at the park
what is your mommy's favorite thing to do? go and play with me and climb a tree and 100 more things
where is your mommy's favorite place to go? souplantation, muffay muffay
what do you wish your mommy would do differently?
i wish she would let me eat meat
what is your mommy's favorite food?
indian food
what do other people say about your mommy?
how cute your mommy is!
what else can you tell me about your mommy?
she likes going on lots of meetings
what is your favorite thing to do with your mommy?
go and eat lots and lots of cupcakes off the floor