spring rambles

 grr...almost two months since i last wrote a blog entry and i had hoped to "blog more regularly"...life, family, drama, cross roads, various excuses but really i miss writing so much i need to make the time for it instead of hoping the rest will come together and there will be time left over. this top photo was taken at my friend kim's annual easter egg hunt/brunch. we have another photo taken in this same spot from two years ago and story's hair is only to his shoulders and, well, sea is about story's age. i try to slow them down but they get older and bigger faster than i can capture or appreciate their ages. i remember last year wanting to blog about sea getting ready to enter 1st grade...then our summer...entering second and now she is almost DONE with second and i haven't written any of these things down. i've still been taking photos and done a much better job experiencing the moment and slowing down my own thoughts (trying to be less self-absorbed/selfish) and just appreciating what is in the moment. i keep having these ideals or dreams of waking up early with the perfect cup of coffee and no one needing anything and just writing all the thoughts that keep spinning around or get tangled in my dreams.  but instead i sleep in or wake up too tired or wake up with too many things already on my plate and the writing ideal goes out the window.

so here we are on a saturday night. sea has a friend over and they are watching a movie. manuel is taking a nap. story is having his second sleep over at another friend's house. i fed the children homemade split pea soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and i'm enjoying a glass of red wine as i type. i had a bunch of ideas in my head yesterday or the day before and was trying to untangle them so i could write a cohesive blog post. i often feel, when i start typing after such a long hiatus, like i need to have something really important to say or well thought out or well put together. but if i'm going to be true to myself and my style of writing, i tend to ramble and hope the ideas eventually link together.

today i wrote an e-mail to a professor who was most influential to me in graduate school. i wished him happy birthday and told him a little bit about my current life and how i'm thinking about going back to teaching within the next year or so. specifically i shared with him how i'm at a cross roads of sorts...story, my youngest, will start kindergarten in the fall. i am holding off on submitting any applications until i know how he adjusts to school (he's never been in preschool) and i suppose equally as important in my hesitancy to go back to work is wanting to be as involved as room parent, in the classroom, teaching art, going on field trips, etc. part of me is excited about the opportunity to have more free time...i hope to use it gardening, exercising (or at least doing yoga), reading, blogging, making photo albums of the children, etc. though i really SHOULD use it finally cleaning out the garage, going through to accumulated "stuff" i no longer use or need, paperwork, etc....hopefully some combination of the two.

so i feel like i should really be maximizing this last time home alone with story. i'm not sure what that means or what he will most remember or appreciate about our time alone together. i also feel like i need to really listen to sea right now and connect with her while she still wants to connect with me. she is getting to an age where she is much more independent and analyzing things on deeper independent levels and doesn't "need" me as much. it is funny how i want us to be closer when she seems fine alone and i feel like i need space when she is more clingy and wants to snuggle in my lap. today she sat on my lap in church and she felt big and it was awkward and an uncomfortable angle but i immediately thought how i may not get many more of these spontaneous times together when she wants to sit in my lap so i squeezed her and smelled her hair while we sang hymns together.

today we went to our community pool. we go there pretty much any day manuel is home from work early enough and any weekend it isn't quite warm enough to go to the beach. the photo below was taken later in the day on easter after the brunch photo above:

i love this pool. it has an old feel to it (established 50 years ago and has some of the same equipment or feel of the 60's) and many of the members have had their membership passed down through family members; most member live in our neighborhood. so it has this feel like it has been around forever and always will be...very familiar and an integral part of our lives. also great exercise for the kids, wonderful sun for all of us, relaxing, etc.

today at the pool i decided i would finally put some books on book shelves in the app goodreads which is a cool social sight where you can see what other friends are reading and post what you have read, want to read, etc. i listed anne lamott (one of my all time favorite authors...she is funny and sincere and believable and likable and also happens to be both spiritual and very hippyish in her lifestyle/political beliefs which doesn't often coincide). then i listed billy coffey whose books i haven't read...my connection to him is i was commenting on a blog about some religious topic and i happened to read a comment by billy right above mine...i appreciated his perspective and the way he wrote his response so i clicked his name and started following him on his blog. i must have thought of him right after anne because they both write about religion (along with a lot of introspective/philosophical/humanistic observations on life in general). then i remembered one of my good friends, tanya, was also an author and i hadn't listed her books. as i was listing these, i looked up from my relaxing lounging position at the pool to see margaret dilloway, whose daughter is in my daughter's class at school. we worked together to create a basket of advanced reader copy books for the school's auction (i should say she did all the work getting the books from her publisher and friends and i just met her for coffee to talk about it!) anyway, it was weird to be listing authors i'd like to read and then see one looking down at me...so i listed her two books (i have bought one and keep meaning to make the time to read it). finally, i listed alfie kohn who has by far been the most influential writer on my parenting philosophy (he gave words to ideas i couldn't quite explain to others when i was intuitively dealing with my children and focused more on "big picture" outcomes than what was happening in the moment).

i'm really not feeling like writing right now...probably because i have a full hour and a half "free" and i usually feel most like writing at like 3 a.m. when i wake up with too many ideas in my head to sleep or something impractical like that. a friend on facebook once wrote how the difference between amateurs and professionals is the professionals don't need to have an inspirational moment to produce fine work (he was referring specifically to music) but i think that is true for writing, too...i don't HAVE to write anything meaningful or at a professional level at this point so when i no longer feel like it i can just stop.

i do feel guilty it has been too long since i last wrote and wish i had more in me...maybe after a hot bath and i put on some snuggly clothes...

thanks for allowing me to free associate...

happy 40+ birthday to me!

"i am ready to blog again...will edit this post later but wanted to get in a february 15th entry after more than 6 months...off to bed..." i wrote that last night right before going to bed...a quick commitment to blog again and i said "i'm ready" before i really was sure that i was...i've been wanting to write a post about this "in between" place that i've been...but i will save that for another day...for now, i just wanted a quick hello and update about the present...

i turned 41 yesterday. not a milestone birthday and it felt no different than any other except it was nearly 75 degrees outside and i'm always whining about rain on my birthday...and i was noticeably free of melancholy and drama...it felt nice to just appreciate what is. i even woke up with energy and ready to pick up my surroundings and appreciate a clean environment to start our day (normally i struggle with feeling these are chores that take away from something more important but on my birthday they somehow felt important and necessary and not that big of a deal). i enjoyed a kona coffee latte, did some yard work and enjoyed the feel of the soil in my fingers and sun on my back. we dog sat percy (a friend and neighbor's dog) and watched him chase and play with our dog kyra for awhile. then we spent an hour at the swap meet, watched a "space" IMAX and finished our day with a yummy thai meal that ended with this mango and sweet sticky rice dessert (sea had pulled our server aside and asked her to bring her mommy a surprise birthday dessert!)

i am just grateful for what is and hope i can return to writing soon.

i *heart* tanya

my really good friend tanya awarded me "the fabulous blog ribbon award" which was so sweet of her but really i am undeserving and unable to accept the award...so though i am gracefully declining it (mostly because i haven't been a "good" blogger and kept up with/commented on other's blogs so i can't meet the criteria of awarding this award to 5 other bloggers)...i WILL write a quick post about how much i adore tanya, include my own 5 fabulous moments and 5+ things i love and hate (and visit the 5 bloggers she awarded the award to) with a few photos sprinkled in between :)

i have better photos of tanya but i chose this one because it was taken at my 40th birthday party and i was so blessed to have her there...she came with homemade cake from her Chamorro heritage and this peace sign is also emblematic of her easy going and fun loving nature. tanya is one of those friends who just always come through...as a best friend, as a mom, at home, in school, volunteering, helping friends and strangers alike. she is amazing. her help with various projects in school and more importantly in my personal life have been invaluable.

our eldest children, sea, and her son elijah were in the same kindergarten class and though they were in different 1st grade classrooms, they maintained a close friendship this past year. in fact, they have plans to marry one another (after they turn 30)...here is a little essay sea wrote about elijah in school:

i'm not sure if you can read this essay but i add it because some of the qualities my daughter appreciates in tanya's son could also be said of her: "he is a good book maker...good other (author)...alwas helps me with stof...he has a kind heart...he is respectful because he alwas helps me...my buddy has a buotifal smile". tanya is an accomplished author who has published her works in various places (visit her website linked above for more details). she has honored me by allowing me to read unpublished works in the making and given me a signed copy of another. we both love to write and read and she inspires me to someday try and get some of my writing published! if not i appreciate that she reads my blog and we can share this passion together.


she is very generous in both physical gifts (random homemade food, extra snacks from the islands, handwritten birthday card and gifts) and even more importantly to me, the gift of her time, friendship and support. she is a wonderful listener and can offer advice or just be there in silence when needed. she is tender and sensitive, yet strong and independent at the same time. i appreciate all of these qualities and she is intuitive to boot, so she knows what is needed at any given moment. she has adopted my family as her own and i feel like we are related! or sisters at least. there are a lot of stories that go along to support that idea but i think the concept of sisters and depth of that support should suffice for now.


i'm having a "yearbook" moment writing this blog post...what i mean is i don't think i ever wrote in any of my best friends' yearbooks because there was just too much i wanted to say and i didn't think i would do a good enough job so instead i wrote nothing :( appropriately timed since we both just celebrated our 20th reunion from high school within the past couple years...anyway, i'm glad i have gotten secure enough to be able to write something instead of becoming handicapped with fear i didn't write enough or left out something important...i can always write more posts about tanya, right?


so maybe i will edit this post in the next few days and add more but for now, here were the rules for the award tanya attempted to award me:


"In order to receive this award you have to follow a few rules:

1. POST THE RULES ON YOUR BLOG
2. NAME 5 OF YOUR MOST FABULOUS MOMENTS EITHER IN REAL LIFE OR IN THE BLOGOSPHERE
3. NAME 5 THINGS YOU LOVE
4. NAME 5 THINGS YOU HATE
5. PASS THE RIBBON ON TO 5 OTHER BLOGGERS"

here are 5 of my most fabulous moments along with photos:

1. realizing i was in love with my best friend:

2. our wedding day (no photos scanned so here is one from our honeymoon in the cook islands):

3. birth of sea:

4. birth of story:

5. turning 40 and being ok with who i am (i've had a lifetime of feeling misunderstood and trying to figure out who i was):

5 things i love:

1. my husband, daughter and son

2. writing

3. taking photos

4. the beach

5. music

6. traveling

7. food/eating/cooking/health

(i have trouble following instructions and/or committing to just 5)

5 thing i hate:

1. lack of integrity

2. stupidity

3. not going through my garage (accumulated stuff physical and psychological)

4. not knowing where i stand with people

5. feeling misunderstood

i was just re-reading tanya's answers to these questions and i could have written many of these same things (see the award link above to read it yourself)...i so appreciate that she understands me, i know where i stand with her, she has integrity and she is quite bright both in knowledge and the intuitive abilities necessary for a variety of social situations :)

thank you tanya for (trying to) award me this award and for giving me the opportunity to write some of the things i appreciate about you and about my life. i am so sad that you are moving to washington this fall but i have met a couple people from everett recently who are hopeful you will want to move back :) if not, you are definitely one of those friends i will travel to see and will keep in touch with wherever our paths take us. thank you for being you and thank you for your friendship.

san diego county fair

initially i was just going to post photos of our day...until i realized i had "narrowed them down" to over 60! so i guess i'll try to choose about 10 and include a short caption for each and leave the flickr link to get the experience of the full day...while i'm waiting for these to upload, i'll add that we've gone to the beach probably 6 times since i've been back from my mom's...three days last weekend, fourth of july, and the past couple days...

(i was having trouble accessing my photos on my external hard drive...)

in other important news for our family (and facing my issues with procrastination and need to take responsibility for difficult issues), my husband and i pulled everything out of our disorganized garage (my stuff, not his that needs tending to) and painted the dingy yellowy creamy disgusting walls a bright white! very rewarding...two days of work later we have some of the items back in but i have a lot of things to go through (read: "get rid of") in the coming days...so i thought i'd get in a post while my family is sound asleep after 9 HOURS at the beach today...literally 11 something until after 8 and after sunset!

i really want to post a reply to my friend tanya's most recent post but also want to include photos from said inaccessible hard drive so that post will wait for morning, too...so here are 12 memorable photos from the fair...we went there over a week ago...you can tell i love the ferris wheel as it is in most of the shots :)

before i forget some of the details of the day...we started by visiting the various animals...petting zoo...searched for various baby animals...then we headed over to the children's rides...we asked if there was a larger ferris wheel and were sent back on the other side...

 view headed to the top of the ferris wheel:

 looking up from the bottom of the ferris wheel:

 ferris wheel and del mar beach in the background of our ride on the swings...my husband took this shot of sea and me (bottom right corner) from his vantage point with story in the swing behind us:

next we ate some vegetarian burritos and grilled corn on the cob (there was a lot of unhealthy food to choose from...we had a giant serving of garlic fries to supplement)...ate giant chocolate dipped ice cream cones and went to look for some more rides...

 love the shadows and contrast of light this time of day...

sea and story had fun sliding down a giant slide just to the left of this photo...

 sea watching someone bungy jump...i catch the action of her glee and the ferris wheel at once :)

 the bumper cars were probably sea and story's favorite since they both got to drive...i was extra happy with this ride because the ticket collector let the children go in free "as long as they can drive"...

 the fair at night...our whole family walked through a house of mirrors (ferris wheel in the background):

 sea going on a crazy upside down spinny ride with her dad (they were both super excited...she barely made the height requirement)...

welp, here is the flickr link if you want to see the full day...

i'm off to bed...hoping i can be productive enough tomorrow to get to the post in reply to my friend tanya...she is a dear friend!

the start of summer break at mimi and angee's

 it has been nearly 2 months since i wrote in this blog. i'm very aware of this. i have wanted to write several posts...several times...a couple related to just relaxing at the neighborhood pool (but i was enjoying relaxing there more than reporting about it)...one entitled "breathe" where i literally just remembered to slow down enough to take full breaths...this one when i was caught in the middle of coordinating the last couple days parties/gifts in sea's 1st grade class...hibiscus flowering plant with personal notes and money from the parents, photo album with personal notes from each student and a photo of each of them with their teacher, making food for the farewell luau, making gluten-free cupcakes for the summer birthday celebration, etc. room mom jobs i both enjoyed and am glad to have a break from...many, many more missed blog posts that have blended together into experiences that may or may not be memories...

but i'm ok with "losing" some of these because in some ways i feel like i've gained more from being there, in the moment, engaged, active, appreciating the present and not capturing it in any way or analyzing it or trying to make it mean something or fit into something...just allowing the mundane and meaningful moments of my life to be solely what they are and be present to experience them...

i'm out visiting my mom and sis in the home i grew up in. it is in the high 90's here and i left perfect low 70's weather back in san diego but again, i'm appreciating what i've gained out here...time to connect with family (immediate and extended)...time for cousins to play together (sea, story, chloe and seven had a blast in the pool together yesterday...story helped "milk the baby"...feeding baby clara out of a bottle...he said he was an expert at it)...time to hear about my cousin ally's time spent living in spain...appreciate photos of her trip...sea and story were full of questions about the biggest church, statue, etc. and this lead to wanting to record a story about the statue of liberty on my sister's phone...

...the photo above was taken by my sister a couple of years ago...taken from the glider on the back patio...i joined her just rocking together, sipping peligrino, enjoying the breezes passing through and watching the children "plant" the sunflower seeds out of the bird food...then cherry pits for cherry trees, apricot trees, etc. and sea in all seriousness asked her auntie to please take care of her garden while she was gone. she went so far as to make a list of "how to do my garden" so they could properly care for the seeds.

the photo below was taken at the redland's market night a couple years ago...so sea was only four and a half (story's age now)...we are going there again tomorrow night...i love the glee on her face...one of my summer goals this year is to have very few goals/plans other than engaging with my children and following their lead to see where their joy and natural curiosity leads us...(this morning story wanted to "walk to the cemetery to visit granddaddy"...on the way we saw a family of california quail following one another in a line...later we saw a roadrunner sprinting across the street and gobbling up some 4 legged creature)...

 this photo was also taken a couple years ago...story is only 2...but i liked his happiness with my sister marci and vice versa...

 this is the gleeful smile of story probably sneaking some forbidden food item (there has been a lot of that this trip...i am partially to blame because i've been enjoying treats myself and been lax on being at grandma's house)...

 here we are at A dong, a standard dinner when we visit...thai food, mom and pop joint, we know the owner and his daughters, usually order the same things (way too much so we will have leftovers)...i like how sea is reflected in the light...timeless...also, that she has pen poised...love that she is such a little writer...creates stories with words and drawings...will choose to do this over most other activities...

i also love that she will just sit down and play the piano...this seems unrelated but piano will forever remind me of childhood and specifically my mother...she could have been a concert pianist...very talented in her skills and the emotion she could show through her touch on the keys...she also was desperate for her daughters to have skills on the piano and though my sister and i both loved music we fought the process...so i was adamant that sea's piano teacher make the intrinsic enjoyment of playing the piano her number one goal...sea has taught herself so much just WANTING to play instead of feeling like she is "practicing"...it is on her terms, and just like learning to swim and ride a bike, this is what she needed to shine...

 my sister took some sunset photos of us out on the same patio i started this blog post (this one was taken some other time...all these photos in fact were off my sister's laptop since i didn't bring any cords to upload my own...so they are not in real time, just representations of ideas)...sea snugged in close, cheek to cheek, i could feel her breathing...story on my knee...i'm very aware they will soon be too big to both "fit" on my lap for photos...they are outside in the twilight "gardening" and watering...i loved watching my mom read to them both with her many years of 1st grade teaching voices coming through all the characters...and plenty of drama...i'm not sure what made me think of this but sea was very serious about bringing mimi a new wooden doll for her dollhouse (the mommy doll had gotten lost)...she was so proud of herself for completing the family...and i was extra touched by the fact that she noticed the mom was slightly taller than the dad doll (i don't think she planned that part)...

 finally, the children have been spreading bird food (which usually goes into this bird feeder below)...just as they spread love to all the people in their little lives...

last night sea went to bed at almost 1 in the morning...she was reading all her early reader books mimi had bought her and i was going to let her read herself to sleep (while i myself was already asleep) but then after awhile she changed her mind and pulled up the blinds...she wanted to look out over the night sky and the beautiful city (that isn't the word that comes to my mind to describe the inland empire! but maybe to my childhood eyes)...and she literally was just staring out at the lights...she invited me to join her and i regret i was too tired and instead lured her back to sleep...back to my commitment to follow my children's lead on appreciating the little things in life...we have one more day here with mimi and angee and then most of the summer still ahead of us :)

sea and story are now "gardening" in the dark...with my mom...their mimi...they are chatting it up, teaching her the things they are learning about life or all that they know such as their great plans for what will grow and the signs to be careful and how to water and how to care...sea is now calling me to show me something secret in the living room...mimi is headed in there to help sea with her piano...we can all learn from one another...every time i wrap up this post more comes at me to remember or record...story is recording on angee's phone "hi, i am story and i love angee"...he is giggling in an infectious way only a 4-year-old can...sea is getting frustrated with my mom for controlling the way she should learn or play the piano and i am having flashbacks to childhood...but this visit is only for a few days and soon we will be back to our own routines so i am enjoying it for what it is...

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"

you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)

free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

between

last night i decided to commit to posting every day in the month of october on nablopomo. i figure this will be good practice for november, the official national blog posting month and also get me to post something more often. the theme for october is "between"...i knew i wanted a photo of myself between my children and came across this one scrolling rapidly through my 101,655 on my hard drive...story is trying to get me to read him a "martha speaks" book from the library while he sits on my lap so more later...

blogher san diego concluding and sleep

i live in san diego. i love it here. i also love writing...and blogging...and wish i had attended the blogher 2001 conference here in my own town...one of my friends and favorite mommy bloggers here in san diego, elaine of wannabehippie wrote this post about her experience there. i had an entire post on this topic i've been writing in my head the past 24 hours while the conference has been going on and have no energy to find where those ideas are now...one of the last things elaine wrote was about napping and i'm so focused on sleep right now i can't even share the connections i had with her on this list...

my sister came to visit yesterday and we went to sea world for like 8 hours or something. today i led sabbath school, hung out at our community pool and then went to one of sea's "students" (classmates') 6th birthday party for the past 3+ hours...i'm ready for bed before my children so all meaningful ideas will have to come another time. i'm leaving you with these images of my husband and son sleeping...off to do the same...

fact or fiction? nablopomo commitment

i've committed to nablopomo and posting every day for the month of august. the theme is "fiction" which is an odd choice for me to commit to as my focus is all about reality and the everyday mundane/meaningful details of LIFE...i have so much material with that alone i don't even have space left in my head to come up with fiction...i've always preferred recording/observing/analyzing what is...or what could be, was...though i view myself as creative and imaginative which i suppose are some of the qualities fiction call on...maybe instead of looking at it as something made up i can look at it as a challenge to get in touch with my imagination; look at the world through my children's eyes...tell them more stories about fairies and flying...or try to read more...i started the catcher in the rye the other day at the beach...classic book i never read...i liked how it was written in 1st person, the author commenting on his youth and observations...i could READ more this month...

the writing prompt for today is "what is your favourite book?"...i can never commit to ideas like this...have to give up so many others to settle on one...i've been reading several parenting books, my favorite philosophically (and really, in practice) is unconditional parenting which is a post for another day...the short story that changed my life or at least most influenced me during a pivotal time in college days was henry james' "the beast in the jungle"...i just read the amazon reviews...agree that i do not relate with nor like his style of writing...he is wordy the way he gets ideas down but if you can get through that, it is worth the time...i'm not going to comment any more on the content and how it affected (and continues to affect) me but for simplicity, it calls into question how you live your life, what you value and how your decisions embrace or run from these ideas...i want to stop running and embrace more! :)

right now my children are eating their rocket popcicles...lemonade and orange mango juice frozen in pops...they have requested we make chocolate ones later today...they are zooming their rockets around, story is hugging his baby "jonathan"...now trying to feed him some popcicle..."somewhere over the rainbow" is playing on pandora..."rocket ship going so fast" story calls out and spins around and around...i really would prefer to write about these things as they slip through my fingers so quickly...

sea is requesting a playdate with calvin before he moves away...this photo of story reminds me of her little friend with his big sunglasses and the glee of summertime...off to fill our day...

overwhelmed yet enjoying kyra...swap meet...

as much as i love taking photos and depicting a few moments in our life each day i really miss writing in this blog or even in a journal...story is whining he wants to "do huckle" which means watch richard scarry videos on the computer...he is eating chocolate (a little before finishing lunch) as a way to buy myself a little time...he got a new truck...hopefully i'll get a photo of this up tomorrow...

just came back from cleaning up two pee-pee accidents (spraying lots of vinegar/dish soap/hot water)...the up side is i have done a lot of spot cleaning on our hardwood floors...just getting my two children out of diapers and now i have this baby...knew this going in but not sure if i have the patience/energy at the moment...tea has been steeping and is now probably cold...put sound of music on for story...guilt over t.v. as a babysitter...

gorgeous sunny san diego day like the blue skies with puffy clouds in these photos taken several days ago...i want to go to the nursery and get seedlings and other items for my garden so i can make that a regular part of our daily routine but i obsess over what to plant/when, not having proper soil/amendments, afraid of rabbits eating everything and no fences, wanting to get worms for our compost, not weeding, etc. etc. excuses for doing nothing at all...


quick photo narration...here is sea with a bag packed to take to the elderly neighbor...hot cross buns my mom brought, random fennel and flowers she picked in the canyon, a card she made, banana for a snack, etc...
and sea's adoration/love/snuggles with kyra...


yesterday we went to what we term the "ramate" (kobey's swap meet)...so many opportunities for great photos escaped me with children trying to run show me things, kyra trying to jump off, etc...it was exhausting but fun...manuel usually finds one item he can make money selling on ebay to recoup our expenditures...
here is sea near the end of the day...as tired as the dog, as all of us...
i took several shots because she was laughing about something...


just as we were leaving a lady selling books told us each to choose one so she had less to pack to take home...story chose the "ginger man" (gingerbread man), manuel got david sedaris' "dress your family in corduroy and denim" (per her suggestion) and she turned to me and said, "here, you want a good book? read this" and handed me "the history of love" by nicole krauss. if i can ever get a few moments free i believe i will really enjoy this book. i'm a tragic romantic so like just the idea of it already. finally, sea grabbed hugo's "les miserables" most likely because it was the thickest book and she liked the idea of reading something grown up...

on our way home we picked up a couple books about weimaraners (i could really use some tips on raising ours) and then manuel read sea a little of twain's "tom sawyer"...she loved it of course. i've been longing for the time when we could all read together...sea is almost to the point where she can read little books to story if she has the interest/patience...

kyra is finally napping. story is happy watching his movie. i finally have time and my mind goes blank...i've had all these ideas in my head i wanted to blog about all morning...so weird how that happens...

guess i'll go be productive...oh, that reminds me...i miss "following" blogs but on the other hand it is kind of nice not to have any readers so i don't have the guilt of having a lame blog that isn't very interesting to read...

today a new student joined sea's kindergarten class and i passed out my "mommy" card...afraid for a moment they would check out my blog but realizing i can be entirely self-absorbed and that is unlikely...off to post some photos to the kindergarten site and send out some room mom updates...

thank you amanda for mommy perspective

oh amanda you are amazing...yesterday i was in such a funk i couldn't come up with gratitude even when i knew i needed it most...somehow no longer how long it has been, you manage to visit my blog just when i need it the most...for those of you reading this who don't know amanda from "i am mommy" she is honestly one of my best "blogger friends"...i feel like we grew up together, share relatives, have play dates all the time...i feel understood by her and she has an unbelievable ability to maximize her time with 3 kids (one on the way!), baking, creating parties, active in her church and community...i don't have time to find links for each of these ideas but FOLLOW her blog...and even if you don't, today, i wanted to start the day with gratitude and thank amanda for her ever present and ongoing support...that is all i have time for but that is more than i've blogged about in awhile and i'm so grateful for this perspective.