happy 40+ birthday to me!

"i am ready to blog again...will edit this post later but wanted to get in a february 15th entry after more than 6 months...off to bed..." i wrote that last night right before going to bed...a quick commitment to blog again and i said "i'm ready" before i really was sure that i was...i've been wanting to write a post about this "in between" place that i've been...but i will save that for another day...for now, i just wanted a quick hello and update about the present...

i turned 41 yesterday. not a milestone birthday and it felt no different than any other except it was nearly 75 degrees outside and i'm always whining about rain on my birthday...and i was noticeably free of melancholy and drama...it felt nice to just appreciate what is. i even woke up with energy and ready to pick up my surroundings and appreciate a clean environment to start our day (normally i struggle with feeling these are chores that take away from something more important but on my birthday they somehow felt important and necessary and not that big of a deal). i enjoyed a kona coffee latte, did some yard work and enjoyed the feel of the soil in my fingers and sun on my back. we dog sat percy (a friend and neighbor's dog) and watched him chase and play with our dog kyra for awhile. then we spent an hour at the swap meet, watched a "space" IMAX and finished our day with a yummy thai meal that ended with this mango and sweet sticky rice dessert (sea had pulled our server aside and asked her to bring her mommy a surprise birthday dessert!)

i am just grateful for what is and hope i can return to writing soon.

reflections on art, research, mommyhood and individuals

it is 6:30 a.m. on a sunday. i should not be up. i did not want to be up. but we co-sleep and my children and dog and cat were all competing for who went where and i found myself unable to go back to sleep. maybe it is because i have a lot on my mind. have had a lot on my mind. things i'm working through and trying to figure out...about myself, my family, my place in my world. i don't think my blog concept is that unique and wish i had a better blog title but really "mommy's journey" pretty well describes what this blog is about. when i started thinking about blogging i was really conflicted about my role as a stay-at-home mom. i didn't know any role models, felt part of my identity was tied up to making a difference as a teacher and was worried i would miss the process of learning and keeping my mind engaged with adults at the college level. really i think one of the bigger issues (perhaps a life long issue for me) was balancing dependence and independence. i've always prided myself in being so independent and not "needing" others yet i am so social and enjoy people...on my depressive down days i wish i didn't push myself away and could allow myself more dependence...in fact, i didn't even see the value of dependence until i met my husband...and then again when i had children i was glad they wanted to be dependent on me more than i wanted to foster independence in them (which i think comes naturally when you feel secure)...

anyway, i digress...i really wanted to write about art...so i'll start with a photo from last year's art show at sea's school. i led the "famous artist" lesson and chose monet's sailboats for at least a few reasons 1) my dad loved sailboats and they remind me of him 2) monet was one of my favorite artists as a child 3) sea loves the water and i wanted to see her paint a sailboat

most of the children in her class went with the traditional blues/greens/turquoise with white accents for their primary colors but true to sea's individual nature (and love for the color) she went with an orange sky and an orange sailboat. i love this about her. she can trust herself and go with what she sees or imagines without following the masses (at least artistically!)

this next picture was taken at last year's family art night at sea's school. i have taken over the art corps coordinator position for the school so i will be in charge of this event next year...here is sea giving a "thumb's up" which also reminds me of my dad (he used to do this both to encourage us growing up and also to say "right on!" when he was happy like sea is doing here)...

i met with one of the co-founders of the art corps program (they are professional artists who come to sea's school and lead workshops to teach parents age appropriate art lessons that build on one another...they teach a concept about art and tie it into famous art work so the children are learning both and then get to try to concept on their own art once a month...the parents take the workshop and then teach the lesson in their child's classroom...i taught most of the kindergarten and 1st grade lessons in sea's class and loved it!). i'm really excited to be the face of this program on campus. it will be my job to  get families excited about art at the school...i will do this with a booth at the ice cream social before school, the 1st day of school, the first open house and then have an art corps orientation where people can learn more about art. then i need to be sure there are enough parent volunteers both to lead and assist all the lessons in all the classes...advertise and sign people up for two family art nights sponsored by the PTA, and organize matting of one piece of art per 500+ children in the school for the art show at the end of the year. this is a very parent involved school which is good in many senses but difficult when they have competing agendas for what is most important. i'm hoping to convince them art should be one of the top priorities at the school...one way i am hoping to go about this is to look up research showing how art helps children in school...both academically (they care about things like test scores and grades that are not high priorities to me) and psychologically and personally just how art enriches people's lives (more important to me).

i came from a very academic background growing up (there was a well known medical school, dental school, physical therapy, nursing, etc. in our community where many of the parents worked and these occupations were definitely encouraged over anything artistic). i've always loved art. even when i got a "c" in it in 3rd grade and decided i wasn't very "good" at art i still loved it. i remember taking some personality test in middle school where they asked what type of people you would most want to hang out with at a party and i always chose artistic types as my number one choice even though most of my friends were social people types (my 2nd choice) and i fancied myself a nerdy analytical thinking type (3rd choice).

it is hard to balance the contrasting sides of myself...i love the author anne lamott both because she is really funny and an awesome writer, but more importantly for me because i can relate with her feeling drawn to very liberal and out of the box things yet feeling God and spirituality are equally important (there aren't too many of my hippy type friends who embrace the importance of God in their life...most of them are atheists)...she writes a lot of autobiographical material i can also relate with on her own journeys as a mother...she has a attachment parenting style like mine that i can also relate with...

wow, this post is all over the place. i originally felt motivated by writing about art...yesterday i attended a baby shower for a mom of one of sea's "students"...we became friends last year...she was always really involved at the school and showing up with personalized artistic gifts and homemade cupcakes for various holidays throughout the year. on top of our personal connection of caring about our children and both being involved in the classroom, she is an accomplished artist. our children have the same birthday. i'm not sure how much astrology weighs into everything but they are both leos (july 23rd birthday) close to the watery sign of cancer so they have a strong willed side but are also artistic...

anyway, i met one of her friends who is also an accomplished artist and we were talking about the difficulties with being a mommy and balancing this with other things we are passionate about or just wanting to get away sometimes. i totally get that! i've been reflecting on that idea since i spoke with her. i think i have finally come to a place in my life where i can give up parts of myself to embrace other parts. and i don't feel like i have to give them up forever. my children are 4 and 7. my youngest only has one year left with me before he is off to school and i will have a lot more free time. i want to embrace these unscheduled days of playing with blocks, reading books, making "maps" (he just recently got into making his own art), riding bikes, running in the grass and chasing and/or trying to fly kites. i have a lot of analytical and "deeper" ideas inside of me but right now, at this place in my life, i need to embrace the simpler experiential "moments" of my life...

this rambling is bordering on incoherent so i will end this post shortly and head back to my mommy duties including cleaning out the car of all sandy beach gear, making breakfast, wrapping birthday presents and packing to head out of town to a cousin's party...

but i wanted to include the idea of research (this idea isn't as out of the blue as it sounds...i was reading about research on education on a homeschool group e-mail this morning in bed)...looking at who you influence...groups or individuals...i studied psychology in college and graduate school...pre-kids i loved research and wanted to read and conduct my own to try and "prove" or at least show the probabilities for various things. when i was a teacher i liked that i was influencing many people every semester and i imagined life on a more global scale and how i could influence groups of people. now that i am a stay-at-home mom, my life is much simpler and my world is much smaller. but this is a good thing. i am more concerned with how i influence my children and the impact on the individual (myself and my family) versus groups.

in a different time and place my focus may be elsewhere (though i doubt i will ever give up the importance of my influence on my children...and their influence on me)...but for now i am happy where i am, doing what i am on this mommy journey...

May day...

...and I may participate in nablopomo though this is all I can get down tonight...tomorrow I will update this post with what I MAY do...or at least I MAY do that :)

ok it is may 2nd...this post was begun on may 1st...on my cell phone, under the covers as my children were thinking about going to sleep but not even close (i often fall asleep before them)...there have been several changes in my life in the past few months but not enough to explain how little i have posted. i'm not ready to get back into writing even if it is to simply sign up for nablopomo and post a photo and brief thought every day...i'm not sure if it is because i just turned 40 or my children are past toddlerhood and more independent or my daily routines and ongoing projects have been changing or any other number of things but yesterday, on may day, as i reflected about what i MAY do i at least wanted to get that idea down even if i had nothing else to say.

i am fortunate to have talented writer friends...they inspire me to write and i enjoy reading their work and imagining writing my own stories someday. but not yet.

sea has been quite dependent recently...asking me "mommy, promise you'll come to ___" (snack, lunch, p.e., recess, spanish)..."i'll try...i'll see...maybe..." and then i usually don't come because i know she doesn't really NEED me and getting through the school day without me is better for both of us...but there is still a part of me who reads the san diego home education digests and thinks i would be much more passionate and creative and alive homeschooling...except when i remember the power struggles and sibling rivalry and intense, emotional, passionate beings that i both love and am exhausted by in regular interactions with sea and story together if we are trying to be productive...maybe for the middle school years.

i took sea to a lot more mommy and me classes when she was younger...spanish, music, art, swimming, etc. and though story is exposed to many of these things in our family adventures, i'd still like to do a class with him. so i signed up for one on thursdays this month. we really don't have the extra money to do this...so i'm going to try the class tomorrow morning and decide if it is worth it. a chance for story to socialize, move, do crafts, play outdoors, etc. things we do anyway but i'm often not motivated enough to do them all together or as often as i'd like...sometimes i really want to enroll him in a nearby reggio preschool...reasonably priced and many, many friends who went or are currently going there...but then i think i only have one year left with him before he is in a regular school routine and i am looking back over what i wish i'd done with our time together. constantly living in the "what if"...from the past...or the future...trying to appreciate TODAY knowing it shapes the future and will soon be PAST...

so i had some ideas about what i "may" do...today those got shot because i didn't drink any coffee and instead shuffled around in a fog (to match the uncharacteristic "may gray" weather we've been having here in san diego), unproductive, moping around for no reason, not even depressed but feeling sorry for myself and so, so tired (i know, you would think that is the perfect scenario to drink EXTRA coffee)...i did some routine grocery shopping at "monkey george" (trader joes) where story didn't even search for the monkey and subsequent treat because he had a meltdown when i wouldn't buy laffy taffy...we did end up with cinnamon rolls we came home and baked and over-ate but i didn't even enjoy those because i took them out of the oven too early and they were chewy like raw dough not like soft chewy chocolate chip cookies and when i reheated them they got crunchy...i was looking for soft and flaky...

been thinking about the idea of altered states...i never like to take any substances that alter my consciousness too much to the point of losing control yet i haven't been happy with my current "state" so a little caffeine or a glass of red wine have been fitting themselves in more often...(i just went and poured myself a half a glass of wine as i continue typing)

so back to what i "may" do since that is the idea i was going to fill in...i guess i should start simple, like i "may" get back into writing...but not daily...and not to follow other blogs or to write anything for others or even to get others' feedback...just daily stuff about my mommyhood journey and the lives of my children and husband and how our lives are interweaved...

trying to end on some note about something but it isn't there...just glad i'm not napping and i am writing even if the whys and whats aren't quite there...

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"

you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)

free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

Celebrating what would have been lorie's 40th

I figure my irritability and depression in part stemmed from missing my dad over this holiday of thankfulness but also missing my friend lorie who would have turned 40 today. This is what I just e-mailed her mom: "Dear nancy,  I've been thinking of lorie (and you) for the past few days but today in particular on what would have been her 40th bday. She was so full of life and zest and spunk and lived as if the smallest moments in life were cause for celebration and glee...I know just being in her presence would have been a party all its own today and I'm so sad we can't. I thank God we can reunite someday in heaven but until then I am thankful to celebrate so much of lorie that lives on... We have been spending the weekend here in ventura with manuel's family and some of his relatives from Bakersfield which of course reminded me how Manuel 1st knew lorie in central California...next weekend we will celebrate johnny facundo's 40th with him in sacramento...I remember hearing stories of them growing up together as just kids and I know we will reminisce all we miss about lorie. I'll touch base with you in the next few weeks to share more of those stories...for now I'm getting my children to bed too late but just wanted to drop you a short note of appreciation for lorie and let you know we are thinking of you... Sincerely, denise Sent from my iPhone" I wanted to say so much more along with detailed memories but it is late and my energy is low and I just got my children to sleep...

Irritable and moping

I feel irritable and depressed. Lacking an internal drive and needing resolution but not enough energy to seek it or even think about it. Really I just want to go to sleep...now...before 8 and while my children play so gleefully with their cousins...oblivious, thankfully...yes, it is the day after thanksgiving and I'm moping around...self-absorbed as usual...feeling sorry for myself instead of grateful..."glad to be above ground" as one person put it. I miss my dad something awful and don't even feel I have anyone to express that to right now... I thought today went well overall...I put up with black Friday shopping I didn't want to do, let my children eat more junk than I wanted without comment, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly including putting food in containers, sweeping, dishes and counters...all done twice...taking the dog on two walks...giving moral support and playing the mediator on family drama that I didn't need to be a part of...then my husband misunderstood something and instead of explaining it better I took it personally and shut down so now that my son is ready for bed I'm going to bed with him... One more "poor me" rant...I somehow was rationalizing all this work and time I put in should buy me a solid half hour typing a meaningful post tonight...but instead we can't get the wireless Internet to work so I'm pecking on my phone with no motive to write anything anyway... I've been noticing all these cute things my children say and do that of course at the end of the day I can't remember...they were just drinking "egg milk with cimmomon (misspelled to get their pronunciation)" and were doing "meanie meanie miney mo" and saying if the tiger "runnels" instead of hollars... More relatives showed up so I'm emerging from the room hoping to perk up and stop moping...truly hope for a meaningful and grateful post soon!

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

the sound of silence...

this was my favorite song at the paul simon concert the other night...i've always loved this song and had high expectations and he still moved me to tears...such a captivating melody and haunting harmony...i hear them both simultaneously and hear the sadness and remember sadder times in my life...grateful i'm not there now but still remembering...we should have taken our children to this concert...there were several children there but more importantly our children would have loved the show and know many of the songs...my daughter is busy attaching multi-colored feathers (scales) to her mermaid costume behind me as i type...off to try and pull this costume together before our halloween playdate party at my house tomorrow...

Juggling priorities and missing lorie

i had so much to write about today and now it all seems gone...i lost my friend lorie 3 years ago yesterday...sent out an e-mail to our mutual friends saying:

"it is just after midnight...now the 4th...and i'm missing lorie and missing the date and missing you all to boot...i've been singing "bye, bye miss american pie..." all weekend and probably on and off since the day i first met lorie...her music plays on in so many ways, in so many lives. i want to stay better connected to you all and share our lorie memories and love for her through times spent together. i know loriepalooza has probably become more of a n. cal phenomenon, but i'd make the trip up some year, or love to celebrate her life through times spent with you all together more often anytime for that matter...it was lovely to see arlene and kenny and karri and marc this summer...you all should please come and visit us and we'll do the same when we are your way. let's keep connected the way lorie always connected so many. i'd love to hear how you celebrated lorie this year. nancy, i think of you often, and would like to keep better in touch. i'm going to dig up some old photos most of you have seen before and forward them to "see" that music that makes me smile...bye bye miss american pie..."

this was in reference to last year's e-mail chain and the connection to the song...here is what i wrote a year ago for more context and what i wrote originally about her for the booklet we made for her memorial.

i've been thinking about her all weekend...even when i didn't know i was thinking about her. i know this because i've been distracted and not in the place i'd like to be either appreciating my family and spending time together or being effective in my stay-at-home mom duties or as room mom...i was supposed to get out a weekly summary to the class on friday and put it off all weekend...here we are almost wednesday of the next week and i can't focus and pull it together to make it happen. this feels like college days when i would procrastinate beyond a motivating and acceptably late level and self-sabotage...i definitely do NOT want to sabotage my role as room parent or anything that has to do with my daughter. so i will wake up early in the morning and make it happen.

on a lighter note...today sea and story were playing so well together...after their usual bowl of alphabet soup (see yesterday's post) they decided to get married...sea put on her cream colored silky flower girl dress from ally's wedding and story went and chose his own outfit..."broncos broncos" and they went down an aisle with sea ringing a bell and holding a felt flower...i asked what they were going to do next and sea said "have a baby" and she promptly pulled out a boy and a girl baby doll from inside of the top of her dress...i did take lots of photos of this but have not uploaded them, nor do i have the energy to do so right now...

i'm rambling to avoid thinking. or laying awake trying not to think. or feeling depressed. i wrote lorie's mom an email from the heart about my experience with grief with losing my dad and i haven't heard back from her. i hope i wasn't taking away from the loss of lorie...i definitely am experiencing an ongoing ache for both of them it's just that grief has a compounding effect...i need someone to relate with, tell me we will get through it...focus on heaven...get outside of myself...focus on my children...i'm not sure what to do but i'm in a funk.

if it were daytime i'd make myself a fancy coffee drink with coconut creamer and whip cream and cinnamon and focus on all the flavors and the buzz of the caffeine and then eat lots of dark chocolate and before my crash i would try to experience something altered from the exhaustion i feel...but it is nighttime and i should let actual sleep solve these problems. so i'll go try...pablo, my kitten is now meowing for attention...letting me know he plans on staying up, scampering around...see, i'm stalling, too...no resolution in sight and no energy to write something snazzy to sum it all up or move on...

here's to a better day tomorrow...and hopefully some restful sleep tonight...

school struggles

 these photos were taken last year...2nd week of kindergarten...here we are on the 3rd or so week of 1st grade and sea is having a really hard time "i HATE school mommy!" "why do i have to go?" "why can't i stay home like story?" "he gets to be with you all day and all night long..." "why can't i homeschool?" i didn't have great responses to these inquiries...i wanted to just hug her extra tightly and cover her in kisses but of course we were running late and again i made smothering her with zinc sunscreen all over her pale face more important...she was pleading with me..."mom please pinky promise you'll come at snack time...or recess...or lunch..."

 i tried to tell her we are sharing a car and i can't walk "you can be late...or just come for a few minutes..." she was negotiating, analyzing, trying to figure out a way to make it work...i wanted it to be simple like "i can't come the first month because it is too hard on you" but i believe her teacher is alright with parents coming in so i have to come up with something better...this morning sea was up at 5 ready for "lots of mommy and sea time"...of course much of that time was spent watching richard scarry and clifford videos while i was trying to wake up...it was cloudy, gray, foggy, gloomy...to match both of our moods...

 i'm getting ready to go pick her up from school now...walking over there with story in the double stroller and then headed together to the store where we will inevitably get snacky treats for them to munch on coming home...i wish i had some resolution...answers...direction...this breaks my heart...

end of summer beach day

we went to the beach today...a couple beaches in fact (huge swells, undercurrents, wind and excessive bacteria sent us packing to different dog beaches)...right now my children are watching curious ("monkey") george and eating spinach and cheese ravioli...our dog can't decide if she wants to be in there with them, outside, inside, chasing our cat...the cat is asleep on the desk by my computer...slacker is playing "favorite mashup station"...some trance/dance type number that has more energy than i do...manuel is already asleep...we are going to spend all day tomorrow at our community pool and then go to the ice cream social at sea's school tomorrow night to find out who her first grade teacher is.

i've had so much anxiety about letting go of my little kindergartener, summer ending, not knowing what is ahead of us...we should know a little more tomorrow...i wanted to write a lot more on that topic like my memories of her in kindergarten, expectations before school, memories from summer, etc. but i'm not feeling it right now. i haven't been feeling a lot of things lately...like an irritable, sleep-deprived, anxiety-filled low grade depression that seems more self-indulgent than anything else...so i want the focus to be on HER or at least appreciating the now instead of lamenting what i'm losing...

i changed my nablopomo badge to the month of september and the theme of "return" but i haven't committed to writing every day this month as i was WAY over it and it felt like a task halfway through...i want to enjoy and look forward to blogging when i have the time, something interesting to say...that may not be tonight :)

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

happy 8th anniversary!

i have so much to write about m and nothing at the same time...not sure if that makes sense...here is what i wrote tonight as my facebook status update:

"to my husband...on this day, you have been my friend for 21 years, best friend for 16 years, devoted husband for 8 years and unbelievable daddy to our children for 6...you have always been loyal, understanding, supportive, honest, loving, and have more integrity than anyone i know. i thank God for you and His promise that we can be together for eternity..."

factually all true...i just wish there was more i could say/do/write...i'm not sure what...i always feel like he has given me more than i can ever return...probably because our relationship began when i was in such a dark place and he was the light that pulled me out...i can't go into all these things right now but someday, i hope to share more about my husband, my soul mate, my best friend...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...

MPT #9 6th grade: loss, guilt and training bras

in sixth grade i had ms. fund as my teacher...things were definitely looking up from 5th grade though i notice the polo shirt which probably had a matching pair of baby blue pants with a pink horsie...oh how to avoid those trendy "cool" items with my own child who is already telling me what the kids like and don't like...speaking of baby blue...it was 1983 and 1984 and baby blue was THE color for eye shadow and eyeliner and even mascara...i remember experimenting with this using those magic crystals that grow...my best friend cara and i took them from our class and put them on our eyes in the bathroom...i remember sharing a lot of secrets in those bathrooms, whispering, passing notes trying to figure a lot out during these pre-teen years...i was still very awkward...most of elementary school i remember being too big for my self-confidence...i was one of the tallest girls (or children for that matter) in my grade but quite insecure so i walked in a clumsy way and tripped over my long limbs so-to-speak...i was also a very "late bloomer" wearing training bras when i had nothing to train...

i could check with my mom to get the specific dates/years correct but i'll go by memory about my her parents...i believe my grandma had a heart attack and was in the hospital and then her husband called my mom up in the middle of the night and said he couldn't breathe so my mom said to sit up and she would be right there...she found him dead (i was too young to understand all these details at the time)...that was maybe june of 1983 the end of 5th grade and then they didn't want to tell my grandma he had died because they thought with her heart attack she might not survive the news...i don't remember who told her or how but sure enough she died the following may...here is a photo of them with me and my mom...
i'm not sure if i already mentioned how my mom's mom had more or less resigned herself to never marrying when she literally bumped into my mom's dad going around a corner in the hospital where she worked....he fell in love at first sight and pursued her despite her bitterness and pride and brushing him off for some time and my mom thinks she was a mistake since her mom had her at age 40 or so which was unheard of old at the time...so needless to say they were both born like 1901 or something so they were 73 when i was born and 84 or so when they died...i felt like i never got to know either of them in part because they were both private people who didn't share much of themselves but possibly also the fact that we were really different from one another and didn't understand one another and i was young and hyper and too much for them to handle at their age. anyway, i felt like i really let me grandma down and i remember the day she was buried i wrote her a long letter that i poured out my guilt and sadness over not being a better grandchild...details i still remember like how i wished i'd learned how to sew from her and appreciated the sewing kit she gave me (that lay unused and unopened in my closet)...i tucked this note into one of the flower bouquets on top of her grave and somehow idealized when God came it would still be there and she would read it. i chuckle reading this now but i spent a LONG time feeling so guilty and ashamed and didn't know who to share this with or what to do with these unresolved feelings. i'm sure my parents had no idea. i resolve to encourage my children to share how they feel with me but i'm sure this could happen to them, too. anyway, it is interesting because after my dad died 4 years ago i had similar guilt feelings...why didn't i hug him that last day, conversations i wish i'd had, etc. even though i always tried to live without regrets with him knowing he had a heart condition and could die anytime...this theme continues with other people who have died in my life and i wonder where all the guilt came from? i know one other contributor in group 3 wrote about this if i can find the post maybe we can brainstorm on it more...

so on to lighter brighter memories...i remember being in the school parade...the first purple clown is our friend sarah that we babysat after school...next is my sister and the girl looking the other way with the green around her neck is my dear friend cara...i have the white face and too big smile next to her...

i went over to cara's house a lot and she came over to mine...some specific memories i have through elementary include going up and down the laundry shoot from our 2nd floor to the basement laundry room...climbing through the garbage shoot (my parents had a hole cut in a cupboard so that the large garbage can could fit in the back and you could take the garbage out from outside...nice IDEA but super disgusting dirty inside...i think i was forced to do this when we locked ourselves out one day)...i think i already wrote about riding down the hill leading to our house in a little red wagon using the handle to steer, we also were active in gymnastics and swimming every year and still taking piano lessons without practicing or enjoying it...funny, i LOVED gymnastics even though i was way too tall for the sport and not that good at it...later in acro-sports or whatever it became called they wanted me to be a base instead of climbing up on top and that is about when it was no longer fun and i quit...

here is my dear dog snowflake (i named him) on our front porch...he looked like benji only white...i just learned recently this may be a breed of some sort but as a child i always thought he was a mixed mutt from the pound...
i'm losing steam on this post...saying goodbye to elementary and wishing i had more memories or that i had shared more or that i had done things differently or not been so insecure or appreciated my youth...my dad was always very upbeat, optimistic and seeing the glass half full or the donut instead of the hole or however the saying goes so he did help me appreciate much...i guess i'm thinking about loss and guilt and how those feelings spill over into today and feeling extra sad without my dad right now...this last photo reminds me a lot of him because he loved to walk...i want to say he walked every day (when he wasn't swimming or doing some other exercise that was low impact but moving as quickly as he could with his arthritis and stiff neck from some childhood illness)...i often walked with him and was proud i could walk faster than him from an early age...in part because i had such long legs...anyway, we would take a dirt road up behind our house to the "water tower" with our dog snowflake...here is photo of part of that walk...
life is a journey so i know i have a lifetime of opportunities to appreciate all the little things and make more memories...thank you for sharing these records of my childhood with me. i'm going to try and read all 21 MPT 6th grade posts in the next 24 hours...

i'm recording my childhood through MPT mommy's piggytales writing one year at a time every friday...this friday i'll write about 7th grade...

in between but hanging on

yes my title is supposed to be both literal and figurative...this is really a "non-post" filler to keep up with my commitment to post daily in the month of november for nablopomo. i don't have much to say. i feel like i'm in between ideas. or have too many ideas i've left behind and not sure where to head next...i don't want to leave halloween behind but don't even know where to start to catch up with those photos...i also assisted teaching art in sea's class (art corps) and have lots of photos of the kindergarteners making monsters...

and then there was my summary of memories of my third grade year...definitely the first of many difficult school age years for me (i was pretty care free and naively happy before then)...but just writing that i feel like that was over THIRTY years ago and i'm so past that and holding on to the pain and what that meant and how that shaped me...so many more positive things have happened since then and that is really where i want to put my focus. so maybe part of the difficulty with that post was that i didn't want to go back there because i feel like i'm past there in a good way? of maybe because i go back and forth being depressed and self-absorbed in the present and am uncomfortable with that part of myself so i'd rather focus on the positives...but wasn't that the very complaint i had with my parents? that they didn't model for me how to "be" sad or angry or frustrated? and i want my daughter to feel comfortable feeling a full range of emotions and have a good model of how to deal with the sad and upsetting parts of her life...oh where to go...it feels ok to be confused and unsettled and even have a lack of balance and perspective. that's life, right? a journey...part of the reason i chose "mommy's journey" as the title of this blog was that it is specifically my journey and i'll always be moving and changing and growing and experiencing until i die but without the apostrophe it could also ready "mommies journey"...like many, many moms before me have been and will continue to be on their own journeys and we are in this together...we can learn from our moms and previous generations and learn from our own mistakes...

i feel so blessed that i was given the opportunity to be a mom to sea and story. i have a lifetime to experience so much more with them and know we will hang in there together...

waldorf harvest festival

today we went to story's mommy-and-me preschool (waldorf) for a harvest festival...i taught sabbath school first thing this morning, we have friends coming in to town tomorrow, i helped manuel with his trial tonight, i have several tasks i was hoping to complete as room mom, and the main thing hanging over my head is that i haven't written about my third grade memories (see my previous post). if i can make it happen tonight, i'll link back on this post. first sea and story painted some ornaments...this was her lovely green tree with ornaments seconds before she swirled her brush and combined all the colors...


next they visited the petting zoo...sea was very excited to touch a snake...
sea was also very excited the bunny actually ate the carrot she offered...
story was carrying this little chicken around trying to show him or her to the other children...
here sea and her friend ben were sharing a hug...
story tried to make it through the puppet show but didn't have the 20 minute attention span required...
so he went and helped press apple juice instead...
while i looked around at some booths and munched on sugary treats, sea, story and their friends worked together to dig, create tunnels, castles, projects in the dirt...
sea really loves climbing...we got this little orange mexican dress at the swap meet...
i was having a hard time at this festival today...it was a little chaotic and sea and story wanted to run opposite directions and do their own thing and i wanted to relax, drink coffee, eat, shop or even create my own crafts...really i wanted to rub some samples of relaxing essential oils on my sore muscles and/or get a massage (options to people who had someone else to watch their children)...but then i remembered as much of a hippy chic as i can be, this festival was really intended for children...so i let them dig and explore and climb...

off to see if i can recall 3rd grade...thanks for putting up with my quest to blog every day for nablopomo, record my childhood once a week and still maintain a life (one which i'm quite behind on by the way!) wish me luck at "living" while recording...