day 89 blog 77 the holes of grief

grief is such an elusive thing. i can't control it, can't understand it, can't figure out the "right" or "best" or even "better" way to allow it in my life...so it comes in waves...extreme pain, depression, longing, isolation, loneliness, irrational feelings and unreasonable behaviors...to apathy, not feeling anything, going through the rhythms of everyday life...to allowing myself small thoughts of the person i've lost...to obsessing over "what if's" of what i would or could have done differently if i'd known they were going to die...conversations i wish i'd had, things i could have told this person about how important they were in my life, or even the "little" things about them, special only to them or perhaps even know between the two of us...

i called this post the "holes" of grief because that is kinda where i'm at right now. i didn't even know dave crawford very well...but his friendship meant a lot to my husband. and he leaves behind a wife and daughter the same age as my daughter and i just can't even imagine how they are handling that or coping or going on...so back to the holes...i just feel like part of myself gets lost with each loss. i don't get to share the experiences that were meaningful to my husband by hanging out with dave...or getting to know him...or hearing him tell stories of back in the day that maybe even manuel forgot...those things died with him...of course i know this is also related to the loss of my friend lorie and to the loss of my dad...each loss builds especially when my feelings weren't resolved for each...so it just feels like there are more holes...

and i really don't want to go on and on about this because i tend to be obsessive anyway and then i'll get into a cyclical dark place that won't be good for anyone. so i suppose the reason i'm writing about this right now is that they are planning the memorial/funeral service for this upcoming weekend and it is going to be very small. the opposite of the memorial service i attended for another puc classmate that became a media and social "event"...and that is a good thing in this case because dave was very selective with his friends and only had a few close ones so i think his wife daphne will appreciate being near people who knew him well...but even this makes me sad...like i am so social and maybe need to focus more on the quality of my dearest friends instead of reaching out to so many on facebook or remotely or meeting so many new people at playgroups, etc...not planning to die anytime soon but just brings up issues of my own immortality or my husband's or anyone else i'm not prepared to let go of yet...

i was very interested in existentialism in college and still struggle with finding/appreciating meaning in my life without obsessing about it to the point of not living life. i know i need to move past this loss and focus on what i have. even focus on the wonderful memories with my dad and lorie and how much all of these people now gone meant to so many and how their memories live on. but during the acute painful reality of them just being GONE and unable to rationalize or make sense of it, well, knowing what i should do and figuring out how to do it are very different...advice, encouragement, i'm not sure what i'm seeking but i do feel better getting this down...even though my topic was the "holes" of grief and i haven't fully explained what i mean by that...to be continued...