the start of summer break at mimi and angee's

 it has been nearly 2 months since i wrote in this blog. i'm very aware of this. i have wanted to write several posts...several times...a couple related to just relaxing at the neighborhood pool (but i was enjoying relaxing there more than reporting about it)...one entitled "breathe" where i literally just remembered to slow down enough to take full breaths...this one when i was caught in the middle of coordinating the last couple days parties/gifts in sea's 1st grade class...hibiscus flowering plant with personal notes and money from the parents, photo album with personal notes from each student and a photo of each of them with their teacher, making food for the farewell luau, making gluten-free cupcakes for the summer birthday celebration, etc. room mom jobs i both enjoyed and am glad to have a break from...many, many more missed blog posts that have blended together into experiences that may or may not be memories...

but i'm ok with "losing" some of these because in some ways i feel like i've gained more from being there, in the moment, engaged, active, appreciating the present and not capturing it in any way or analyzing it or trying to make it mean something or fit into something...just allowing the mundane and meaningful moments of my life to be solely what they are and be present to experience them...

i'm out visiting my mom and sis in the home i grew up in. it is in the high 90's here and i left perfect low 70's weather back in san diego but again, i'm appreciating what i've gained out here...time to connect with family (immediate and extended)...time for cousins to play together (sea, story, chloe and seven had a blast in the pool together yesterday...story helped "milk the baby"...feeding baby clara out of a bottle...he said he was an expert at it)...time to hear about my cousin ally's time spent living in spain...appreciate photos of her trip...sea and story were full of questions about the biggest church, statue, etc. and this lead to wanting to record a story about the statue of liberty on my sister's phone...

...the photo above was taken by my sister a couple of years ago...taken from the glider on the back patio...i joined her just rocking together, sipping peligrino, enjoying the breezes passing through and watching the children "plant" the sunflower seeds out of the bird food...then cherry pits for cherry trees, apricot trees, etc. and sea in all seriousness asked her auntie to please take care of her garden while she was gone. she went so far as to make a list of "how to do my garden" so they could properly care for the seeds.

the photo below was taken at the redland's market night a couple years ago...so sea was only four and a half (story's age now)...we are going there again tomorrow night...i love the glee on her face...one of my summer goals this year is to have very few goals/plans other than engaging with my children and following their lead to see where their joy and natural curiosity leads us...(this morning story wanted to "walk to the cemetery to visit granddaddy"...on the way we saw a family of california quail following one another in a line...later we saw a roadrunner sprinting across the street and gobbling up some 4 legged creature)...

 this photo was also taken a couple years ago...story is only 2...but i liked his happiness with my sister marci and vice versa...

 this is the gleeful smile of story probably sneaking some forbidden food item (there has been a lot of that this trip...i am partially to blame because i've been enjoying treats myself and been lax on being at grandma's house)...

 here we are at A dong, a standard dinner when we visit...thai food, mom and pop joint, we know the owner and his daughters, usually order the same things (way too much so we will have leftovers)...i like how sea is reflected in the light...timeless...also, that she has pen poised...love that she is such a little writer...creates stories with words and drawings...will choose to do this over most other activities...

i also love that she will just sit down and play the piano...this seems unrelated but piano will forever remind me of childhood and specifically my mother...she could have been a concert pianist...very talented in her skills and the emotion she could show through her touch on the keys...she also was desperate for her daughters to have skills on the piano and though my sister and i both loved music we fought the process...so i was adamant that sea's piano teacher make the intrinsic enjoyment of playing the piano her number one goal...sea has taught herself so much just WANTING to play instead of feeling like she is "practicing"...it is on her terms, and just like learning to swim and ride a bike, this is what she needed to shine...

 my sister took some sunset photos of us out on the same patio i started this blog post (this one was taken some other time...all these photos in fact were off my sister's laptop since i didn't bring any cords to upload my own...so they are not in real time, just representations of ideas)...sea snugged in close, cheek to cheek, i could feel her breathing...story on my knee...i'm very aware they will soon be too big to both "fit" on my lap for photos...they are outside in the twilight "gardening" and watering...i loved watching my mom read to them both with her many years of 1st grade teaching voices coming through all the characters...and plenty of drama...i'm not sure what made me think of this but sea was very serious about bringing mimi a new wooden doll for her dollhouse (the mommy doll had gotten lost)...she was so proud of herself for completing the family...and i was extra touched by the fact that she noticed the mom was slightly taller than the dad doll (i don't think she planned that part)...

 finally, the children have been spreading bird food (which usually goes into this bird feeder below)...just as they spread love to all the people in their little lives...

last night sea went to bed at almost 1 in the morning...she was reading all her early reader books mimi had bought her and i was going to let her read herself to sleep (while i myself was already asleep) but then after awhile she changed her mind and pulled up the blinds...she wanted to look out over the night sky and the beautiful city (that isn't the word that comes to my mind to describe the inland empire! but maybe to my childhood eyes)...and she literally was just staring out at the lights...she invited me to join her and i regret i was too tired and instead lured her back to sleep...back to my commitment to follow my children's lead on appreciating the little things in life...we have one more day here with mimi and angee and then most of the summer still ahead of us :)

sea and story are now "gardening" in the dark...with my mom...their mimi...they are chatting it up, teaching her the things they are learning about life or all that they know such as their great plans for what will grow and the signs to be careful and how to water and how to care...sea is now calling me to show me something secret in the living room...mimi is headed in there to help sea with her piano...we can all learn from one another...every time i wrap up this post more comes at me to remember or record...story is recording on angee's phone "hi, i am story and i love angee"...he is giggling in an infectious way only a 4-year-old can...sea is getting frustrated with my mom for controlling the way she should learn or play the piano and i am having flashbacks to childhood...but this visit is only for a few days and soon we will be back to our own routines so i am enjoying it for what it is...

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"

you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)

free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

needing to write a complete post

i just checked if my blog was on the blogroll on blogher for nablopomo...it was buried at 1540 of almost 2000...a few titles caught my eye i may go back and check out but really i feel like i'm just a number out there and i'm not trying to get a blog following anyway so why do i still notice things like i had 8 people read a post that was only a title i meant to come back and fill in? coming back and filling in is NOT something you do in the blog world because readers don't come back to check...what you write on any given day, the current post, is what is considered alive...i know this, yet i fill in because most of what i write is for me...my family...more of a journal of my journey than sharing with the world...so why a public blog? hmmm...good question...because i WANT to be a writer people follow and want to read and learn something from and want to answer my questions and share their opinions and ideas and knowledge and be part of a blogging community...only that requires TIME and i don't have enough of it right now. or at least am not good enough at prioritizing what to do with the time that i do have. so i get down quick summary sentences and a few phrases of snippets of my life and consider it good enough for now while my head swims with all i'd like to write about...even the little things my children say and do get saved in my head not quite long enough to make it to paper or this blog and i feel like life is slipping past me...so i try to balance between living life and capturing it...this has been one of my biggest blog themes, life themes, really...

so today i really want to write a complete post...but instead i will make sea's lunch, get her school clothes ready, make her breakfast, rush out the door much faster than i should considering i do these same things every day and every day i try to allow more time so i won't be rushed and somehow procrastinate or sabotage to be pushing and pushing myself and her...i really want to wake up early enough to eat a leisurely breakfast together...talk with each other, sip tea or coffee...then WALK the mile to school, slowly...but i'm not a morning person and neither is she so instead it is later than i'd like to be in bed myself when my children are finally exhausted enough to fall asleep at night which sets up this same rushed schedule...

i have a lot of topics left to fill in...the fall festival at sea's school and our first grade booth "----1st cafe", halloween parade, crafts and trick-or-treating...and now today i'll be teaching the second art corps lesson in sea's class...i could do all these things just in photos and have them mostly covered...but i didn't videotape any trick-or-treating and i don't want to forget the cute things sea and story said at each door...

so i may or may not get back to these...or i may or may not write a complete post anytime soon...really, what is complete when you constantly analyze life? everything connects to something and every time i figure something out, there is another way to look at it or my views change with experience...maybe that is why i called this blog mommy's JOURNEY because that's what life is...always moving, changing, growing but enjoying the ride along the way...

the sound of silence...

this was my favorite song at the paul simon concert the other night...i've always loved this song and had high expectations and he still moved me to tears...such a captivating melody and haunting harmony...i hear them both simultaneously and hear the sadness and remember sadder times in my life...grateful i'm not there now but still remembering...we should have taken our children to this concert...there were several children there but more importantly our children would have loved the show and know many of the songs...my daughter is busy attaching multi-colored feathers (scales) to her mermaid costume behind me as i type...off to try and pull this costume together before our halloween playdate party at my house tomorrow...

thoughts on a summer morning

here is a photo of sea in between riding her bike outside with her super safe helmet, creating a "super why" character by covering blocks with paper and coloring/drawing on them...in her swim suit ready for the pool later...

it is 8 a.m. and my children are still sleeping...their summer schedule has kept them quite active and with less sleep than i'd like. normally i'm be thrilled to have them sleeping and have some alone "me" time...but this morning i'm feeling somewhat depressive, incomplete...wishing for something to "fill" me or at least distract me...a good cup of hot coffee to sip would be a start but i don't have the energy to grind and french press it and it feels more like something i'd like to do than something i'd actually enjoy...balancing ideals with the actual experience...ongoing struggle for me...i'm listening to radiohead on slacker...probably doesn't help the depressive energy...reminds me of pretty hopeless feelings i used to have in college days and beyond...though this was one of the best concerts i attended with my husband on a rare date night after the children were born...

..."if i could be...all you wanted...if i could be...all you wanted...all the time...all the time..." --fake plastic trees

i struggle with self-esteem issues...guilt...never good enough for myself or others...not really where i want my focus to be this morning...

so i skipped to "house of cards" a song manuel has played in playlists recently...reminds me of him...

i'm at a bit of an impasse...there are the things i "need" to do...the things i want to do, the things my children want to do...idealizing there are only a couple weeks of summer left and what to do to fill our time...there are playdates i want to have, playdates others want to have with us that i would be doing for their benefit and at our expense...places to go like the zoo, sea world, parks...really i just want to hang out at home...take the children on walks/bike rides...do art, make books (stories about their life/wishes)...

...READ...this is one regret i've had the past few years...my children have been in different places/attention spans with reading so i've not tried to find books i could read to both at the same time...or made other things higher priorities...i want to model how much i love to read and encourage them to do more reading on their own but more importantly read more to them...we signed up for a reading program in coronado where they get little beads for each book they read but i want to sign up locally, too...

our puppy is sleeping on the chair nearby...the kitten just ran out the back...i probably have a few minutes ( i was going to type "before the children awake")...as i was typing "little chewey" came stumbling into the front room...kyra jumped off her chair, tail wagging to say good morning...chewey was wearing his favorite, too small, "camping" sweatshirt with tents, trees, bears etc. on it...this is the shirt he will put on when asked to get dressed on his own...he rubbed his eyes and climbed onto my lap with his characteristic big smile...

i was just going to add that our past month here at home has included jaunts in the back yard (climbing the olive tree, playing in the play house, riding bikes/scooters), role playing about baby green or kendall, pretending they are characters from two of their favorite shows...martha speaks or super why, creating zoos out of blocks and animals, fighting/not sharing what each wants to play with or trying to control how they should play together, asking for just one movie/t.v. (this hasn't happened as often as i thought it would and i can still distract them to play instead)

...yesterday sea started face painting with markers on chewey...drew a garbage truck (his favorite) on his chest...then she got out letters and envelopes and made a book of pictures she could draw and wrote notes to the neighbors to let them know she could do face drawings for them...she wanted to go door-to-door to offer this but manuel came home early and we went to the pool instead...

there is always so much i could do/need to do...i'm going to read them some books this morning, go grocery shopping at the "monkey george" store (trader joes has a green monkey children search for to get a treat) and then work on being productive...m will probably come home early and we will go to the pool again...i have my first book club meeting at a wine bar in north park tonight...maybe i'll break out that book i was reading to have something to talk about other than my children...though they are my favorite topic :)

one of my friends was blogging about how now that both her children are in school and she has more time she is reflecting on who she is and her identity apart from being a mommy...i'm not quite there yet...my identity is fully wrapped around their lives and i'm loving it that way...which is interesting because when i first had children/started blogging i remember being a little obsessed with ideas of independence/dependence and figuring out who i was and where i was relative to all the needs my children had...but i don't have time for all these thoughts as our summer morning has officially begun and i must go chase pablo, our kitten scampering in the yard, make some breakfast, get us dressed/hair brushed (one of my goals is to do this earlier than we have)...those three dots "..." should be leading to some idea but i don't know what it is...i'm enjoying living in the moment where "what is" is just the idea/thing happening now...

of course that thing right now would be my son dunking our kitten into my too hot lavender bubbly bath...getting his and his sister's clothes all wet, water all over the floor in the process...

here is a close-up of the character from super why....

fact or fiction? nablopomo commitment

i've committed to nablopomo and posting every day for the month of august. the theme is "fiction" which is an odd choice for me to commit to as my focus is all about reality and the everyday mundane/meaningful details of LIFE...i have so much material with that alone i don't even have space left in my head to come up with fiction...i've always preferred recording/observing/analyzing what is...or what could be, was...though i view myself as creative and imaginative which i suppose are some of the qualities fiction call on...maybe instead of looking at it as something made up i can look at it as a challenge to get in touch with my imagination; look at the world through my children's eyes...tell them more stories about fairies and flying...or try to read more...i started the catcher in the rye the other day at the beach...classic book i never read...i liked how it was written in 1st person, the author commenting on his youth and observations...i could READ more this month...

the writing prompt for today is "what is your favourite book?"...i can never commit to ideas like this...have to give up so many others to settle on one...i've been reading several parenting books, my favorite philosophically (and really, in practice) is unconditional parenting which is a post for another day...the short story that changed my life or at least most influenced me during a pivotal time in college days was henry james' "the beast in the jungle"...i just read the amazon reviews...agree that i do not relate with nor like his style of writing...he is wordy the way he gets ideas down but if you can get through that, it is worth the time...i'm not going to comment any more on the content and how it affected (and continues to affect) me but for simplicity, it calls into question how you live your life, what you value and how your decisions embrace or run from these ideas...i want to stop running and embrace more! :)

right now my children are eating their rocket popcicles...lemonade and orange mango juice frozen in pops...they have requested we make chocolate ones later today...they are zooming their rockets around, story is hugging his baby "jonathan"...now trying to feed him some popcicle..."somewhere over the rainbow" is playing on pandora..."rocket ship going so fast" story calls out and spins around and around...i really would prefer to write about these things as they slip through my fingers so quickly...

sea is requesting a playdate with calvin before he moves away...this photo of story reminds me of her little friend with his big sunglasses and the glee of summertime...off to fill our day...

"mommy i'm ready for my swimming lesson"

story is just learning how to swim...he's got the parts down...has been going under water, blowing bubbles, practicing his kicks, arms, etc. but in the last week he's put it all together and asks manuel or myself for a swim lesson where he swims from the stairs to us and then turns around and swims back. it is really cute. he gets so excited and proud of himself. the other day his 10-year-old pool friend natasha was giving him swim lessons while i was relaxing/resting in the sun and i started to feel like he didn't "need" me and i only had a few days left for his requests for a swim lesson...so i got back in the pool...sure enough, he is already showing us how he can do this by himself...they are growing up so fast...i haven't even really gotten a video of this milestone and he'll have it down before i get around to it...in other "little things" news, sea has been saying for some time now that she can ride a bike...despite the fact that she doesn't have one, hasn't practiced, hasn't even really ridden a bike with training wheels...but sure enough, yesterday she implored a new friend at the park to let her borrow their bike and by golly she had it down and was riding all over the grass! she really is motivated and a go-getter when it is on her terms...

i've been thinking about many of these little things in my life...like while typing this post kyra just chewed up the third pair of my shoes in two days...the last pair was the flip flops with turquoise and red beads that my bridesmaids wore in our wedding so i was particularly sad to lose that pair...how these little things piece together the ins and outs of my days in ways that have meaning to me...i'm always looking for big picture meanings and ways to connect/philosophize on what really matters in life but often it is stopping to be a part of the little things...of course as i say that i didn't slow down enough to notice what those little things were today...

i also re-read my post from yesterday...normally i would leave that post up for about a week because i didn't have anything more meaningful to write about...but what struck me is how i started out writing about "sea's friend calvin"...that is inaccurate on several levels...his mom is definitely one of my dear friends and i consider calvin my friend, too! it is funny how i look at life through the eyes of my children so much i forget to look at my own independent (or related) perspective...like when i was room mom sea's teacher called me "sea's mom" instead of learning my name and i was flattered that i took second tier to sea...glad the focus was on my child...but with dear friends moving away i realized after re-reading that post that it looks like they are not also MY friends! sorry, sarah, if you happen to be reading this post, too...that was not my intent nor how i feel...

did i mention i'm a psychology major and over-analyze everything? i was talking to sarah about how she should start a blog about her move to georgia and she was saying how she is a perfectionist and wouldn't want to write knowing people were reading...i used to worry about those things but now this is more of our family's journal and it is kind of liberating knowing i really don't have any readers! that sounds bad...i'd like to write well enough, interesting enough things that people WANT to read my blog...in fact i sometimes get my feelings hurt that i follow other friends' blogs and they don't read mine or that my closest friends don't follow my blog at all...but i get it...hey, i don't really follow any blogs that regularly because i get too busy to even live my own life...on that note, my children need to get to bed...here is a last photo of story, age 3, near the 3 feet deep pool marker...getting SO BIG...

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...

MPT #9 6th grade: loss, guilt and training bras

in sixth grade i had ms. fund as my teacher...things were definitely looking up from 5th grade though i notice the polo shirt which probably had a matching pair of baby blue pants with a pink horsie...oh how to avoid those trendy "cool" items with my own child who is already telling me what the kids like and don't like...speaking of baby blue...it was 1983 and 1984 and baby blue was THE color for eye shadow and eyeliner and even mascara...i remember experimenting with this using those magic crystals that grow...my best friend cara and i took them from our class and put them on our eyes in the bathroom...i remember sharing a lot of secrets in those bathrooms, whispering, passing notes trying to figure a lot out during these pre-teen years...i was still very awkward...most of elementary school i remember being too big for my self-confidence...i was one of the tallest girls (or children for that matter) in my grade but quite insecure so i walked in a clumsy way and tripped over my long limbs so-to-speak...i was also a very "late bloomer" wearing training bras when i had nothing to train...

i could check with my mom to get the specific dates/years correct but i'll go by memory about my her parents...i believe my grandma had a heart attack and was in the hospital and then her husband called my mom up in the middle of the night and said he couldn't breathe so my mom said to sit up and she would be right there...she found him dead (i was too young to understand all these details at the time)...that was maybe june of 1983 the end of 5th grade and then they didn't want to tell my grandma he had died because they thought with her heart attack she might not survive the news...i don't remember who told her or how but sure enough she died the following may...here is a photo of them with me and my mom...
i'm not sure if i already mentioned how my mom's mom had more or less resigned herself to never marrying when she literally bumped into my mom's dad going around a corner in the hospital where she worked....he fell in love at first sight and pursued her despite her bitterness and pride and brushing him off for some time and my mom thinks she was a mistake since her mom had her at age 40 or so which was unheard of old at the time...so needless to say they were both born like 1901 or something so they were 73 when i was born and 84 or so when they died...i felt like i never got to know either of them in part because they were both private people who didn't share much of themselves but possibly also the fact that we were really different from one another and didn't understand one another and i was young and hyper and too much for them to handle at their age. anyway, i felt like i really let me grandma down and i remember the day she was buried i wrote her a long letter that i poured out my guilt and sadness over not being a better grandchild...details i still remember like how i wished i'd learned how to sew from her and appreciated the sewing kit she gave me (that lay unused and unopened in my closet)...i tucked this note into one of the flower bouquets on top of her grave and somehow idealized when God came it would still be there and she would read it. i chuckle reading this now but i spent a LONG time feeling so guilty and ashamed and didn't know who to share this with or what to do with these unresolved feelings. i'm sure my parents had no idea. i resolve to encourage my children to share how they feel with me but i'm sure this could happen to them, too. anyway, it is interesting because after my dad died 4 years ago i had similar guilt feelings...why didn't i hug him that last day, conversations i wish i'd had, etc. even though i always tried to live without regrets with him knowing he had a heart condition and could die anytime...this theme continues with other people who have died in my life and i wonder where all the guilt came from? i know one other contributor in group 3 wrote about this if i can find the post maybe we can brainstorm on it more...

so on to lighter brighter memories...i remember being in the school parade...the first purple clown is our friend sarah that we babysat after school...next is my sister and the girl looking the other way with the green around her neck is my dear friend cara...i have the white face and too big smile next to her...

i went over to cara's house a lot and she came over to mine...some specific memories i have through elementary include going up and down the laundry shoot from our 2nd floor to the basement laundry room...climbing through the garbage shoot (my parents had a hole cut in a cupboard so that the large garbage can could fit in the back and you could take the garbage out from outside...nice IDEA but super disgusting dirty inside...i think i was forced to do this when we locked ourselves out one day)...i think i already wrote about riding down the hill leading to our house in a little red wagon using the handle to steer, we also were active in gymnastics and swimming every year and still taking piano lessons without practicing or enjoying it...funny, i LOVED gymnastics even though i was way too tall for the sport and not that good at it...later in acro-sports or whatever it became called they wanted me to be a base instead of climbing up on top and that is about when it was no longer fun and i quit...

here is my dear dog snowflake (i named him) on our front porch...he looked like benji only white...i just learned recently this may be a breed of some sort but as a child i always thought he was a mixed mutt from the pound...
i'm losing steam on this post...saying goodbye to elementary and wishing i had more memories or that i had shared more or that i had done things differently or not been so insecure or appreciated my youth...my dad was always very upbeat, optimistic and seeing the glass half full or the donut instead of the hole or however the saying goes so he did help me appreciate much...i guess i'm thinking about loss and guilt and how those feelings spill over into today and feeling extra sad without my dad right now...this last photo reminds me a lot of him because he loved to walk...i want to say he walked every day (when he wasn't swimming or doing some other exercise that was low impact but moving as quickly as he could with his arthritis and stiff neck from some childhood illness)...i often walked with him and was proud i could walk faster than him from an early age...in part because i had such long legs...anyway, we would take a dirt road up behind our house to the "water tower" with our dog snowflake...here is photo of part of that walk...
life is a journey so i know i have a lifetime of opportunities to appreciate all the little things and make more memories...thank you for sharing these records of my childhood with me. i'm going to try and read all 21 MPT 6th grade posts in the next 24 hours...

i'm recording my childhood through MPT mommy's piggytales writing one year at a time every friday...this friday i'll write about 7th grade...

"mommy when can i have wings?" and admiring leaves

i wanted to record a few "little things" my children have been saying and doing...sea is really obsessed with wings...not just wanting to wear them and pretend she is a fairy but she wants to know when she is going to get REAL wings...i suppose i'm to blame for this since i made up a story about a little girl who just had to believe enough and then one night she got wings...but i figure allowing her to believe this possible is not much more of a stretch than santa or the tooth fairy. i'd really love to imagine her flying around and the idea brings her a lot of joy. today she was really sad because two of her closest friends said really mean and hurtful things to her about never wanting to play with her again (and i believe even about wanting her to die?!) and though i'm sure these comments didn't come from nowhere as sea can have a difficult time sharing and can be mean herself, it still breaks my heart. i still am considering homeschooling her so i can at least be there to monitor some of this and help them talk it through and refocus. i suggested tomorrow sea approach the one little girl and say "(her name), you are really special to me. i'm sorry we were fighting yesterday and i want to work it out" or something like that. she explained to me that part of the problem was that this friend doesn't want her to have other friends. that is a tough one. hard to understand at age 5 how to be loyal and still have other friends. so i suggested she could do more one-on-one playdates with this girl so they feel like they still have a special bond even if sea is friendly with many people. i'll be interested to see the teacher's take on all this in parent-teacher conferences next week. i know i can be extra sensitive and over-involved so i'll try to go into the conference keeping that in mind. manuel is much more rational and reasonable than me but i believe he is quite protective of sea, too so we will both be strong advocates for her (if you haven't read my post about my experience in third grade i was just thinking how timely this experience is for sea right now). ok, enough on that...i just felt a little extra sad tonight seeing her so sad and hearing how she doesn't want to go back to school and doesn't want to have playdates with these girls and can she have playdates with other kids (she listed mainly boys though i suppose with the ratio of 6 girls in a class of 24 that is inevitable!) ...

on a lighter note, today while we were driving i pointed out a scarecrow to story and he said "no, HAPPY crow!" which i thought was cute. with a little extra energy i might have found a photo of him by a scarecrow but instead will share this photo of him dropping leaves ever so tenderly on his cousin meadow's head...she turned one oct 28th...if i can pull it together i'll do a post on that along with some photos...
and i will end this with the idea of little things...stopping to appreciate them, that is...in our mommy-and-me waldorf class the teacher passes out articles to read and discuss and the last one was about a famous violinist who always has sold out concerts costing over $100/seat who did an impromptu "concert" in a new york subway (undercover) though with the same violin and same music...he played for close to an hour and made about $32 in change and had a remarkably small handful of people who took the time to stop and appreciate his music. the lesson to be learned (i'm sure there are many) but that the article was focusing on is that so many people don't take a few extra minutes in life to stop and appreciate beauty in unexpected places...so i'm going to try and SLOW down...allow more time for stops...pick up more leaves...

in between but hanging on

yes my title is supposed to be both literal and figurative...this is really a "non-post" filler to keep up with my commitment to post daily in the month of november for nablopomo. i don't have much to say. i feel like i'm in between ideas. or have too many ideas i've left behind and not sure where to head next...i don't want to leave halloween behind but don't even know where to start to catch up with those photos...i also assisted teaching art in sea's class (art corps) and have lots of photos of the kindergarteners making monsters...

and then there was my summary of memories of my third grade year...definitely the first of many difficult school age years for me (i was pretty care free and naively happy before then)...but just writing that i feel like that was over THIRTY years ago and i'm so past that and holding on to the pain and what that meant and how that shaped me...so many more positive things have happened since then and that is really where i want to put my focus. so maybe part of the difficulty with that post was that i didn't want to go back there because i feel like i'm past there in a good way? of maybe because i go back and forth being depressed and self-absorbed in the present and am uncomfortable with that part of myself so i'd rather focus on the positives...but wasn't that the very complaint i had with my parents? that they didn't model for me how to "be" sad or angry or frustrated? and i want my daughter to feel comfortable feeling a full range of emotions and have a good model of how to deal with the sad and upsetting parts of her life...oh where to go...it feels ok to be confused and unsettled and even have a lack of balance and perspective. that's life, right? a journey...part of the reason i chose "mommy's journey" as the title of this blog was that it is specifically my journey and i'll always be moving and changing and growing and experiencing until i die but without the apostrophe it could also ready "mommies journey"...like many, many moms before me have been and will continue to be on their own journeys and we are in this together...we can learn from our moms and previous generations and learn from our own mistakes...

i feel so blessed that i was given the opportunity to be a mom to sea and story. i have a lifetime to experience so much more with them and know we will hang in there together...

the long and winding road

three people i love (marc--one of my best friends and later obsessions in college; manuel my best friend after college and to this day...also my husband; and marc's wife, karri, one of my best friends forever....we are kindred spirits and i'm so happy she married marc so we could become friends!)

this morning i woke up with "the long and winding road" song in my head...in my dream i was literally riding on a long and winding road...manuel was driving us and marc was in the front seat...they were both looking at me in the rear-view mirror and and i was leaning forward from the back seat to talk to them...i wish i'd written down the dream as soon as i woke up because now i'm forgetting the details...but i remember the sense of contentment...important pieces of my life coming together in one moment...feeling understood and glad they understood one another...i believe the last part of our conversation i was telling them how they are both such talented writers they should compile their work and get it published...my dream before that had been an anxiety waiting tables dream at brava terrace where marc and i used to work together in college (manuel also worked there at one point but not at the same time as me)...like i was in the weeds with too many tables to keep track of (similar to parenting on many levels) but i eventually pulled through...i got a LOT of sleep last night...i started our bedtime routine just after 7 and was probably asleep by 8...i definitely needed it...

yesterday i felt like i was barely holding on...like i wanted to turn in my mommy card...only i realized i never got one to turn in! i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together. didn't have the patience to deal with even the small things like brushing my children's teeth. and i was so easily frustrated with both of them. usually i can balance that feeling out with all the endearing things my children do and say and are...but i couldn't focus on those important things too caught up in my head congestion, cramps, exhaustion, need to take time to myself...i was thinking if i had to rank the day on a 1-10 scale i would ask for a negative number! but then i realized how dramatic and self-absorbed i was being and decided not to focus on "poor me" but instead just go to bed and hope for a fresh start today! well, it worked. i woke up feeling "resolved" in some way on some fundamental level. i suppose i dreamt about manuel and marc riding along with me because they are two souls i care about who i felt also understood me at some point (manuel still does and marc and i haven't really stayed in touch) and yesterday i was needing some understanding!

off to be productive....halloween photos coming soon...what a difference a day makes! i need to remember this next time my life seems so unbearable...

in memory of lorie

this photo of lorie (in the middle) making karri laugh and arlene smile while we were camping together was taken october 15th, 2004...just shy of 4 years before she passed away. i wanted to write something poignant about her brilliance (she shown like a gem...her personality was so effervescent, she was one of the smartest people i knew and made most people close to her feel like THEY were the most brilliant/special) and maybe something about my depression and difficulty after losing my dad...how i just can't process losing anyone else and i need to reach out to lorie's mom and a couple other people who have lost family members since...but i don't have the energy.

so instead i'm copying and pasting the piece i wrote for the "tribute to lorie" booklet i helped construct for her memorial service:

dear lorie,

I’ve been putting off writing this because until I do I feel like you are still out there somewhere and I can just call you up or come over and connect in some way and I won’t have to write any final words…

I got the call on a monday and by tuesday I was driving up to visalia trying to sort out my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions…nine hours later I was at your bedside trying to decide how to tell you how much you meant to me or if I should focus on saying goodbye and how much I’d miss you or I should tell you that I knew you could fight and pull through…but then when I saw you I was just struck by your strength. I didn’t feel like you would want to say goodbye or have me feel sad about losing you so I held your hand tightly and told you how much I love you and focused on the present. that is one thing I learned from you for sure…the importance of living in the moment and appreciating life and those around you…I truly believe you packed over 100 years into your short 36…you were able to move a few fingers and lift your leg and I felt you were the one supporting me as always at a time I so wanted to be there for you so I just squeezed your hand more tightly and hoped you would intuit these things…you never kept track of who owed who and always gave so freely of yourself so I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that…by the end of the week all medical signs indicated we were losing you but I suppose one of the ideas I want to convey is that you will never be lost…your spirit lives on in so many ways! One of the last touching moments I had was at your bedside with arlene, both holding on to you for the last time and you lifted your arm a little...not once, but twice and I believe in your own way you were hugging us…not goodbye, but to let us know you will always be there…

There are so many things I want to tell you; reminisce about working together at brava, celebrations shared, ALWAYS laughing together, thank you for so many things, mostly I just want to be with you. I’ve been having these conversations with you in my mind, in dreams, and I suppose these are just more indicators you will always be with us…but there were a couple of specific things I wanted to emphasize…my husband was saying how you were “unapologetically yourself” and this was so important to me throughout our friendship. You were ok with your weaknesses and embraced your strengths and taught me to do the same at a time when I was very vulnerable and insecure. Secondly, you made me feel special and cherished by you every moment we spent together. If I can just love myself and help others feel loved the way you did with me, this will be just one more way your spirit can live on…

Lorie I could go on and on…you were one of the most brilliant people I knew…in many ways beyond intelligence; your quick wit, sense of humor, intuition and ability to read people and hang with the cool crowd or nerds or strangers…you made each person feel special and brought life to every interaction. People were drawn to you and wanted to be a part of lorie’s world. I always told you you should be a writer and just write life through your eyes…I’m trying to do this through this booklet but beyond that your life lives on in our memories…may it also live on in how we live our lives…may we learn from your example to embrace our opportunities to love ourselves and others and make the most of every day…I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on... anyhooo…that is all I have until I can hold on to you for always in heaven

Love, denise

funny after i just re-read this (2 years later) i realized i wanted to write about her brilliance back then, too...she was just one of those people who GOT it...how to live life, treat people, connect, be in the present, give of herself...i miss her so much...right now i just want to laugh together...she could always make the most difficult situations either funny or give people perspective it wasn't THAT bad...i'm rambling through my pain and not very articulate but just felt i should get something down on this anniversary of her passing.