i **heart** nerds

my husband and i just finished watching a 5th recorded episode of "the big bang theory"...my favorite t.v. show as of late...there is something familiar in this show about nerds who relate with one another but not with most of the rest of the world...i was going to analyze the characters and why i like it so but instead i came across a post in my blog roll "just write" that sounded more interesting...it is supposed to link up on tuesdays so i'm going to make this post brief and put my energy into my post for tomorrow (in 10 minutes)...

my husband is a nerd who i adore, by the way. i was a nerd underneath my otherwise social exterior who had more mainstream friends than i related with growing up...oh my, i need to save some of these free associations for my next post...tune in tomorrow!

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

san diego book club #1

this past wednesday night i went to a wine bar for mom's night out time with friends, wine, conversation, time away from my children and for our first book club meeting...probably in that order. the book club part is a secondary agenda though i love to read and am excited about that part, too, if i can ever find the time to read. our book for this month is the paris wife by paula mclain. i believe it is a fictional story based loosely on letters and records between hemmingway and his first wife....a love story told from her point of view. i'm excited to read it.

we spent all day at the dog beach today. i'm too tired to upload photos...i spent an hour or so reading part of salinger's the catcher in the rye which i'm ashamed i've never read. i'll write another blog post when i finish it but the main character/narrator reminds me of my husband in many ways. he is a teenager but i could imagine my husband being similar at that age and still see some traits currently...i'm being vague...but it is nice to enjoy a classic book and also relate with it on a personal level...

blogher san diego concluding and sleep

i live in san diego. i love it here. i also love writing...and blogging...and wish i had attended the blogher 2001 conference here in my own town...one of my friends and favorite mommy bloggers here in san diego, elaine of wannabehippie wrote this post about her experience there. i had an entire post on this topic i've been writing in my head the past 24 hours while the conference has been going on and have no energy to find where those ideas are now...one of the last things elaine wrote was about napping and i'm so focused on sleep right now i can't even share the connections i had with her on this list...

my sister came to visit yesterday and we went to sea world for like 8 hours or something. today i led sabbath school, hung out at our community pool and then went to one of sea's "students" (classmates') 6th birthday party for the past 3+ hours...i'm ready for bed before my children so all meaningful ideas will have to come another time. i'm leaving you with these images of my husband and son sleeping...off to do the same...

happy 8th anniversary!

i have so much to write about m and nothing at the same time...not sure if that makes sense...here is what i wrote tonight as my facebook status update:

"to my husband...on this day, you have been my friend for 21 years, best friend for 16 years, devoted husband for 8 years and unbelievable daddy to our children for 6...you have always been loyal, understanding, supportive, honest, loving, and have more integrity than anyone i know. i thank God for you and His promise that we can be together for eternity..."

factually all true...i just wish there was more i could say/do/write...i'm not sure what...i always feel like he has given me more than i can ever return...probably because our relationship began when i was in such a dark place and he was the light that pulled me out...i can't go into all these things right now but someday, i hope to share more about my husband, my soul mate, my best friend...

first day back to our neighborhood pool

today was our first day back to our pool down the street for 2011...danny, our favorite life guard was there (sea passed the swim test with him)...i played in the pool for awhile with sea while story napped (see who can swim faster to the other side, throw and find sinking pool toys, play shark--chase) then warmed ourselves in the sun...ate snacks...story played on the "gray ground" (playground)...

the long and winding road

three people i love (marc--one of my best friends and later obsessions in college; manuel my best friend after college and to this day...also my husband; and marc's wife, karri, one of my best friends forever....we are kindred spirits and i'm so happy she married marc so we could become friends!)

this morning i woke up with "the long and winding road" song in my head...in my dream i was literally riding on a long and winding road...manuel was driving us and marc was in the front seat...they were both looking at me in the rear-view mirror and and i was leaning forward from the back seat to talk to them...i wish i'd written down the dream as soon as i woke up because now i'm forgetting the details...but i remember the sense of contentment...important pieces of my life coming together in one moment...feeling understood and glad they understood one another...i believe the last part of our conversation i was telling them how they are both such talented writers they should compile their work and get it published...my dream before that had been an anxiety waiting tables dream at brava terrace where marc and i used to work together in college (manuel also worked there at one point but not at the same time as me)...like i was in the weeds with too many tables to keep track of (similar to parenting on many levels) but i eventually pulled through...i got a LOT of sleep last night...i started our bedtime routine just after 7 and was probably asleep by 8...i definitely needed it...

yesterday i felt like i was barely holding on...like i wanted to turn in my mommy card...only i realized i never got one to turn in! i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together. didn't have the patience to deal with even the small things like brushing my children's teeth. and i was so easily frustrated with both of them. usually i can balance that feeling out with all the endearing things my children do and say and are...but i couldn't focus on those important things too caught up in my head congestion, cramps, exhaustion, need to take time to myself...i was thinking if i had to rank the day on a 1-10 scale i would ask for a negative number! but then i realized how dramatic and self-absorbed i was being and decided not to focus on "poor me" but instead just go to bed and hope for a fresh start today! well, it worked. i woke up feeling "resolved" in some way on some fundamental level. i suppose i dreamt about manuel and marc riding along with me because they are two souls i care about who i felt also understood me at some point (manuel still does and marc and i haven't really stayed in touch) and yesterday i was needing some understanding!

off to be productive....halloween photos coming soon...what a difference a day makes! i need to remember this next time my life seems so unbearable...

much needed rest

time in a bottle

these photos of manuel kayaking were taken on our honeymoon in the cook islands...
i like their timeless quality...

i sort of cheated last night posting "to be continued" as i jumped in bed...too busy spending the day balancing doing everything and doing nothing in these last days before sea starts kindergarten...

so on the theme of notes i sent manuel this e-mail yesterday:

i'm listening to pandora.
spanish guitar radio.
time in a bottle-jim croce

"if i could save time in a bottle
the first thing that i'd like to do
is to save every day 'til eternity passes away
just to spend them with you

if i could make days last forever
if words could make wishes come true
i'd save every day like a treasure and then
again, i would spend them with you

if i had a box just for wishes
and dreams that had never come true
the box would be empty except for the memory
of how they were answered by you..."

getting a little misty eyed thinking about sea
leaving for kindergarten
life changing
but we still have one another
forever
forever together
we love four ones 4 ones four 1's

here is the song if you want to hear croce sing it...

The joy of random notes

i love this photo of manuel with sea, story, and their little baby cousin, meadow...there is so much simplicity and so much joy in so many little things here...i thought it was a great symbol for how i felt this morning when manuel e-mailed me this note:

"Sitting here.
getting ready for CT.
flossing.
Listening to some music.
Looking at the pictures you took with the kids; the ones where see is holding her pink monkey and story has the brown bunny.
And the one, where you are in the middle with story in your lap and sea is draped over your shoulder
And you all look so beautiful and happy."

the little random things like him flossing...brought back times pre-children and even pre-dating when we would exchange random notes/e-mails/letters with one another about little things in our lives which were otherwise not noteworthy but still very US...i love my husband and wanted to include a short tribute to him and to us as i embark on a 13 day countdown until sea starts kindergarten...

i can't believe these two beautiful people
get to be our
children.

(daddy was the guest blogger last night...)

day 3 at the pool

just wondering if anyone reads this (not that you should, as i haven't been blogging nor following any blogs)...this photo was actually taken on the trolley...read the next post for more...the title "day 3 at the pool" has to do with the fact that we spent about 8 hours a day for the past 3 days our community pool...was going to post photos but they are on m's phone...

community pool

on saturday we had high hopes of a sunny beach day but alas our "june gloom" has extended its foggy, gray, cloudy self through most of the summer...so after i taught sabbath school my husband started researching nearby pools. he came across this one...literally just over a mile on our same street...80% of the members have to live in the surrounding area. when we first moved in 1.5 years ago our realtor told us the wait to get in was several years long so we didn't really look into it. apparently 18 people have given up their membership recently and the director told manuel we could be next on the wait list. so we drove over to check it out. we had to drive back by the address we were given because the little trail down the hill to this pool is hidden (which we loved). so we showed up, took a tour and asked what we needed to do to get on the list. manuel, being the negotiating lawyer he is kept asking enough questions until he talked the director into squeezing us in instead of putting us on the waiting list.

we drove home, slathered on sunscreen and put on our suits, grabbed some snacks and drinks and were back in the pool moments later...we stayed for 4 hours and went there again all day yesterday. i think this pool membership is going to change our lives. we've already met so many people in our community (many of whom send their children to the same school sea will start kindergarten at in the fall) and we feel even more like this is our "home". not to mention how much we all love the water and sun...i told manuel i intend to walk to the pool every day. he intends to incorporate swimming into his workout routine instead of going to the gym after work many days...so we will see more of him and swim together.

tomorrow is our 7 year wedding anniversary so i am spending all day today and tomorrow going through stuff (organizing, throwing out things we don't use, completing projects, etc.) because that is the best gift my husband would want and will be great for our family as well.

thinking about my dad

i'm at my mom's house for a reunion planning committee meeting (i live in san diego but grew up 1.5 hours inland near riverside and that is where my high school/meetings are)...i probably would have missed this one as we haven't done much since our last one and not many people attended (i didn't know that of course until i drove out here)...anyway, one of the reasons i decided to come out is that the 4 year anniversary of losing my dad is this friday. my mom and sister do all that they can to NOT think about my dad on that day and i just can't relate with that coping mechanism (that is the day i concentrate the most on re-living memories, watching old videos, visiting his favorite places, talking about him, etc.) so we end up spending the anniversary of his death apart. i thought i'd also go by dad's grave tomorrow and be near him in the sense of growing up in this home for the first 18 years of my life (attended the same grade school all 12)...anyway, much of this was on an unconscious level even though the days leading up to this date have been heavy on me most of this month. my sister has very few photos on this computer but this one of my son, story, reminds me of my dad on some intuitive level even more than they look alike...i think if i had to describe it simply, it would be a "quiet inner peace and soft smile"...of course i don't think my sister has any photos of my dad on this computer i'm typing on so i'll have to upload some of those on friday (nearly 24 hours away since i'm cutting this post close to make "wednesday")

...i was going to share one more detail about my husband possibly getting laid off as it relates to my dad and re-prioritizing values and just looking at my life on a little more global level...after we (my husband and i) had a heart to heart about the possibility of him getting laid off, we determined we would hold off on vacation plans, only buy essentials, cut way back on luxuries, etc. so going out to eat at a somewhat upscale restaurant overlooking the water in la jolla (the last meaningful celebration breakfast we had for my dad's 65th birthday...a place that reminds me of him and his love for the water) for breakfast on friday was out of the question. at first i was a little pouty about this and could feel myself "guilting" manuel into making an exception. but he always gives in to me on things i really want or really care about and i realized this decision is not about me or about withholding something i want, it is about US and making decisions that are best for our family. i don't care any less about my dad because i can't spend the first part of "his" day there, even if i've done this as a tradition the times we have been in town on this anniversary. in fact, my dad always made sacrifices and would pack himself PB & J's instead of eating out most of our life to provide more for us...so it is actually more a reflection of him to forgo this...it is probably, per usual, more something I wanted to do than for his memory even if i do feel connected to him there somehow. so instead i am going to take "the" walk from our old apartment down to the bay, sit in front of the ship where he had a cardiac arrest and died and then walk along the bay to seaport village and eat with my children, a close friend and her children. later i will babysit for her while she packs/cleans to move into our neighborhood...that is something my dad would do instead of moping around thinking about his loss...

appropriately, a train is calling out in the distance. it is like my dad speaking to me and happens often in times of acute pain or loss or missing him. i can't really explain it other than a train went by that night when i was holding his hand after he had passed away, probably called out a similar sound and so in some weird way i didn't plan, i felt his spirit pass from his dead body through that sound in the future. my beliefs in the after life don't allow me to believe his spirit ACTUALLY did this, but trains calling out are still comforting to me, a reminder he is always with me and will lead me/show me/talk to me/be with me when i need him. i actually credit God with this peace and am shocked at how calm and un-emotional i feel typing these words. in the first few months and years of losing my dad i had a crazy, tormenting soul-aching pain that i thought could never be healed..."time heals all wounds they say" is true in some ways...i'm in no ways HEALED but so, so much better and "ok" with this loss in a way...i can look forward to reuniting with him and my son can get to know his granddaddy in heaven.

i can't really think of anything more precious to follow that idea.

happy birthday daddy!

hanging out instead of blogging...

nurturing marriage

i'm going to have to do a "stay tuned until later" post...i don't usually like these but i'm just running out of time to do this post...i went to a very inspirational meeting that included practical tips on nurturing marriage...good timing with manuel's birthday tomorrow...valentine's day this weekend...my birthday monday...sorry to leave you hanging...this photo was taken on our honeymoon in the cook islands (self-portrait)...i'll blog soon on all that i learned...

"football football" superbowl memories

today we watched the new orleans saints beat the indianapolis colts in the superbowl. just our family...very low key with pizza, cupcakes, a little red wine, lots of snacks and playing thrown in...this photo above was taken in 1998 when the broncos beat the packers in their first superbowl win. i had just started dating manuel a couple years prior and we were living in sacramento...i was waiting tables at piatti (one more football memory is that i was working for a LOT of superbowls...it was my chance to trade shifts and to get something else i needed off) and we put a little money on the game and made over $1000 because the spread was so off...we don't gamble much and i'm not normally a huge football fan...but football has always been synonymous with family for me...

growing up my dad was a huge redskins fan. when i was 11 years old i painted a huge "hail to the redskins" sign in maroon and bright yellow poster paint and put it up on our garage in southern california...they beat the dolphins that year in the superbowl (1983) and i remember my dad getting a lot of phone calls and singing "hail to the redskins...hail, victory...hail to the redskins...fight for victory..." every time he answered the phone even if the caller was not calling for that reason...he continued the song with something like "we will fight them we will beat them we will heap big score...fight on...fight on...til you have won! oh, braves of washington...RAH! RAH! RAH!" i can still hear his super excited off-key shouts with the lyrics changing almost every time (he didn't think the exact words were as important as the spirit and volume) and i'm ecstatic to realize that i'm smiling and remembering these things fondly...my dad has been gone for 3.5 years and i have not been dealing with it well...felt overwhelmingly depressed thinking about him, looking at photos, trying to imagine how life would be if he could be here for so many little things...and i'm happy to report that this "football memories" post is also one of realizing i have some resolution with losing my dad...it will never be "ok" but at least i realize i can be happy about fond memories from the past and actually feel positively recalling them instead of the ache of intense loss...i'm getting way off tangent but had to get that off my chest...or share my joy in the realization...so back to my dad and growing up singing that song and cheering for the redskins as a child...turns out they LOST the superbowl to the l.a. raiders (remember, i grew up 1 hour east of l.a.) the following 1984 superbowl so you can only imagine the phone calls we got then...i think the redskins are the only team with a song, though...then they won again in 1988 (against the broncos of all teams) when i was a sophomore in high school...then they won again in 1992 when i was in my second year of college.

...once manuel and i started dating i adopted the broncos as my secondary team. his family is originally from denver so he grew up with the entire family very involved in every broncos game...we have continued this somewhat as you can see in my little photo tribute with sea and story dressed in broncos gear below...i still cheer for the redskins if we happen to be watching them play...and sometimes i cheer for the san diego chargers (we've lived here in san diego for 5 years now)...they've gotten so close to the superbowl but not quite...but mostly i just enjoy the traditions and family together time of "football football" as sea and story refer to it...
sea just over a year old...



story about 6 months old...
i guess i uploaded these out of chronological order...this is sea again...one something...she still loves that little car and zooms around on it or pushes her brother or vice versa...seeing this monkey reminded me that story really loved the commercial with the life sized stuffed monkey (the one with red "lips" on his/her bottom) that was driving around in a car...he also started practicing "phonics" saying "Buh...buh...buh..." and then added his usual "nana" and was saying banana with a pause in between over and over...so proud of himself and for making the connection with the monkey...
sea again about a year old...
story with poppy...
story with daddy...making a cute face he still makes just before breaking in to a huge smile...
oh, here's one...
i LOVE toes...
squeezing up sea and story...

thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me...

farewell glider

i have trouble letting go of things...this dutrailier glider has been in our lives since just before story was born...sea was so colicky and fussy, up all hours of the night that i SWORE i would have a rocker/glider for our second child...of course story slept through the night early and my ideals of rocking the two together (nursing story while reading to sea for example) were quickly shattered by the reality of sea's spirited ever-moving nature...by the time she was old enough to settle down and let me read to her, story was over being held for long and wanted to wiggle away himself...so i've held on to this rocker imagining "what if" we have another child..."what if" sea and story are eventually in the same place attention-wise to have me read to them simultaneously..."what if" visitors really need to use a rocker...ok you get the point...but i have several really cute photos of our times in this rocker the past two years i thought i would post here before we sell it...(i'm hoping to pass it on to a mom i know or at least a friend of a friend so it won't be far away)...hope this next photo isn't too "in your face"...i have never been too shy about breast feeding in public so i don't figure there is more showing here than i would show in a public place...
daddy falling asleep with story asleep in his arms...sea probably telling me she needs to go potty...
daddy holding "two ones"...
me in the early days where sleep was hard to come by for all of us...you can see it is easy to crash in this chair/ottoman...
close up...
daddy giving sea a few tickles...
sea and story very serious about posing together...
a good view just of the chair if you are checking out this blog to buy it!
and finally, story using the ottoman to pull up (yes it locks!)...