...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

reunion brainstorm and generalized anxiety

this photo was taken december, 2006, a few months after my dad passed away. i was wearing a "virginia is for lovers" shirt that was either his when he was younger or he got on a trip there (he grew up in virginia and we visited there every summer when i was growing up) and so that was a nice tribute to him coupled with the red/green color combo for the holidays (a photo from this series was used for our holiday card in 2006...you can see downtown san diego in the background and the harbor to the right). this photo was taken on shelter island...or actually, on harbor island, which is where he thought shelter island was. he always talked about taking a walk there, to appreciate the view, the harbor, the sailboats...and when he came to visit us i always intended to do this for him and everyone else's needs always got put before my dad's (he liked it this way...and he had walked on this island many times, just wanted us to experience it with him)...anyway, i didn't mean to free associate back to him and the loss and my sadness and longing but well, i guess i'm feeling emotionally unstable and anxious so it makes sense that i would free associate back there.

i actually chose this photo for this post because i'm spent most of the morning researching venues for our 20 year high school reunion and one of the spots is on this island. i went to high school 1.5 hours northeast of san diego but the committee wants to check out san diego and orange county beaches as more of a "destination" celebration instead of the smoggy, hot, densely populated area that is the inland empire (where i went to school). i'm torn. i think people coming back to the place where they went to school might actually want to visit said school, remember places they went, see how the area has changed, go to church at the local church (i went to a private christian school), visit family still in the area, use said family for child care...these are the pros to the inland empire (IE) but i can see the pros to san diego (SD)...mild climate when it is in the 90's or 100's in the IE, clear blue instead of smoggy skies, beaches everywhere, the zoo, cultural things to see and do, etc. that is san diego so people traveling could make more of a family vacation of the reunion and justify the costs to get out here....what do you think? would you want to go back to an undesirable area where you went to school or somewhere a couple hours away that was more desirable/beach?

so i have taken it upon myself to research different hotels in san diego. before i go into that search, i wanted to try and make a statement about my state of mind. two nights ago i went to bed early. it felt great. giving up whatever used to be a priority for what should be a priority more often...sleep. and it paid off. i woke up so refreshed i was almost literally skipping through the house. manuel noticed and chuckled at my perma-grin smile and energy usually achieved by coffee...i was ecstatic about this natural high and spent much of the day picking up the house (and re-picking it up as is my life of allowing free spirited children to run lose) without concern...happy in fact that i was productive and could accomplish so much...that of course was yesterday. today i feel like i have bi-polar disorder (and i don't mean to make light of this as i have relatives and friends who do have this) i was so irritable, frustrated, angry, depressed, exhausted...in part because i went to bed late and the children are both under the weather and woke up early (6 instead of their usual 8)...i am NOT a morning person...every little task about my day was driving me crazy and brushing kids' hair (or my own), washing off their faces, picking up anything seemed unbearable...i was going somewhere with this story...i think it should probably just be that i need more sleep and need to re-arrange my priorities...but i ate too much chocolate as my short-term solution and whether it "worked" on whatever level or not, i believed in this cure and the placebo effect was good enough...

story just woke up, i'm waiting on a plumber for a clogged toilet/shower and made the brilliant decision to do a load of laundry...of course that line is shared by the same clog...kids both begging to go play outside in the yard missing a fence (blown down in a past storm)...story is still sick and it is starting to get overcast so i don't even want to go supervise them out there...story is talking about a "bumbee" (like bumblebee...what he calls all bugs), he is now pulling over sea saying "nee, nee" to show her the bug...if i keep observing a few more minutes they will cheer me up, pull me out of my funk...now sea is making her body into a bridge between the couch and baby door inside the sliding door...story was having fun going underneath her until she decided to become a draw bridge or crash down on him over and over...story is figuring out how to un-childproof the gate..."MAHHHH-ma" he calls and tries to pull me over to see the bumbee...i love how he says "mumgee" when he wants to drink milkies...he just pointed to his sister's nose and said "no..."...i always forget to write these little things down...but i do feel cheered up...kids are off to draw together...with the forbidden "permanent ink" pens instead of the crayons, colored pens, colored pencils, chalk and regular pens in their craft bin...but sea is making up songs and singing to herself and story is happy to be included in her schemes so for now i'm ok with it...sea is now talking to herself telling a story about what she is drawing and story is rummaging through my top desk drawer finding random things like ear plugs and trying to hold them up to me to show me what he thinks they are...he, too, is humming a song only in his head...i'm grateful for these sounds of contentment...their belief that life is much simpler and happier than i am trying to make it when i get so self-absorbed...


  1. oh, i totally understand! I totally totally understand. about it all! COMPLETELY! I understand the conflict of location ideas. I understand the frustration of myself when i'm frustrated with the kids. Oh, man! I totally get it! You are so NOT alone!

  2. Your stories about your kids cheered me up too, and I thank you for that. As to your question about location... I personally would rather go a reunion held in a nice location, especially if it is only 1.5 hours away from SD. I mean, 1.5 is close enough that if they want to stay with family, and leave said kids with family, they could drop them off, and drive to the reunion, if that makes sense. But then again, that is just my opinion :)

  3. I too would prefer the beach. People can include time to drive though the nostalgic areas. Consider giving them some details like price and places and ask them to vote for their preference?
    Children are amazing little beings.

  4. Well... sounds like you are making progress.. and understanding yourself a bit better. Which is ALWAYS Good!! I hope you get tonz and tonz of sleep and that the kids are 100% soon. :)


  5. I grew up in Hesperia. We have more in common, both from the Inland Empire. We have our reunion next July, hopefully, if our committee decides to plan one (we almost didn't have a 10 year and no 5 or 15 year).


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