...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...


Thursday, April 24, 2008

memories

me my dad my sister my mom... 1970 something...
this post is really rather misleading because it isn't really about memories...but i've been floating around that idea for awhile now even if i'm not emotionally strong enough to go to any memories of my dad...most of you know i lost him just under two years ago...with the anniversary of his death coming up on may 28 (and residual pregnancy hormones trying to sort themselves out) i've been particularly emotional recently...

last night we watched a recorded episode of american idol and one of my favorite singers, jason, (who looks like a male version of my friend brandie and has a very pure and simple melodic voice) sang "memories"...i love this song anyway (from the musical cats...a woman sang the original version) and it reminds me of younger years and more dramatic times...but i suppose it also reminded me of my dad even though i couldn't think about it at the time...we actually wrote "thanks for the memories" on his tombstone because he said this ALL the time especially right before he died and we never really listened or committed the experiences he was referring to into memory at the time...assuming we had so much more time to form them or at least to experience with him...i wanted to title this post "thanks for the memories" in memory of him but recently it has just been too painful to go there...

as i was typing these ideas, a train called out in the distance...not sure what i have already blogged about this but the sound of trains reminds me of my dad...i think it is because right after he passed away (he was visiting me here in san diego and on a walk down by the bay) and i was holding his hand, a train must have gone by right behind us (they pass roughly between where i live and where he passed away) and somehow as i was losing him this became my connection to him...like the sound of the trains (wherever they may be) are somehow him...calling out to me...reminding me he is still with me in spirit and can live through me or remind me of times with him...

i'm really crying way too much now and this was not the point of this post at all...i had really quite a lovely day with sea and story at a park at the beach and i still managed to be productive and they went to bed early and i had a great glass of wine and have been in a fairly stable good mood so i'm not sure why this wave of depression came over me...

so now the bummer is i'm going to feel like i need to leave this post up because any mundane topics or even anything i care to write about afterwards will somehow take away from my dad...like this should always be the top post or i should always pay tribute to him or i don't want this post to get lost...i guess these irrational reactions are some attempt at holding on to him...

there is no closure to this idea...he is still gone, will always be gone and i still want some way to bring him back, just be with him, have him experience our new son and our search for a new home and just share with him the daily experiences that make up my life that is now my life without him...

but as depressed as i feel, i really don't want to end on a negative note. my dad was such a positive, optimistic man who focused on the best in people, the best in me, the best in life...he would want this post that has now become about him to also be about me and about life and just one of many experiences that i share and live...so i will take a deep breath, breathe in the smell of my sleeping babies and enjoy what i have...and listen for more trains to be reminded he lives through me...

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