...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

the long and winding road

three people i love (marc--one of my best friends and later obsessions in college; manuel my best friend after college and to this day...also my husband; and marc's wife, karri, one of my best friends forever....we are kindred spirits and i'm so happy she married marc so we could become friends!)

this morning i woke up with "the long and winding road" song in my head...in my dream i was literally riding on a long and winding road...manuel was driving us and marc was in the front seat...they were both looking at me in the rear-view mirror and and i was leaning forward from the back seat to talk to them...i wish i'd written down the dream as soon as i woke up because now i'm forgetting the details...but i remember the sense of contentment...important pieces of my life coming together in one moment...feeling understood and glad they understood one another...i believe the last part of our conversation i was telling them how they are both such talented writers they should compile their work and get it published...my dream before that had been an anxiety waiting tables dream at brava terrace where marc and i used to work together in college (manuel also worked there at one point but not at the same time as me)...like i was in the weeds with too many tables to keep track of (similar to parenting on many levels) but i eventually pulled through...i got a LOT of sleep last night...i started our bedtime routine just after 7 and was probably asleep by 8...i definitely needed it...

yesterday i felt like i was barely holding on...like i wanted to turn in my mommy card...only i realized i never got one to turn in! i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together. didn't have the patience to deal with even the small things like brushing my children's teeth. and i was so easily frustrated with both of them. usually i can balance that feeling out with all the endearing things my children do and say and are...but i couldn't focus on those important things too caught up in my head congestion, cramps, exhaustion, need to take time to myself...i was thinking if i had to rank the day on a 1-10 scale i would ask for a negative number! but then i realized how dramatic and self-absorbed i was being and decided not to focus on "poor me" but instead just go to bed and hope for a fresh start today! well, it worked. i woke up feeling "resolved" in some way on some fundamental level. i suppose i dreamt about manuel and marc riding along with me because they are two souls i care about who i felt also understood me at some point (manuel still does and marc and i haven't really stayed in touch) and yesterday i was needing some understanding!

off to be productive....halloween photos coming soon...what a difference a day makes! i need to remember this next time my life seems so unbearable...


  1. We all have those days, don't we? I know I have. You sound like you dealt with it pretty well, though. Just make sure you're having time for yourself as well. ((hugs))

  2. "i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together..."

    Ah, the woes of the human experience ... yes, thank you for sharing. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones who are at the end of our rope and trying to tie a know to hold on. It's good to know that struggles are shared and understood.


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