in memory of lorie

this photo of lorie (in the middle) making karri laugh and arlene smile while we were camping together was taken october 15th, 2004...just shy of 4 years before she passed away. i wanted to write something poignant about her brilliance (she shown like a gem...her personality was so effervescent, she was one of the smartest people i knew and made most people close to her feel like THEY were the most brilliant/special) and maybe something about my depression and difficulty after losing my dad...how i just can't process losing anyone else and i need to reach out to lorie's mom and a couple other people who have lost family members since...but i don't have the energy.

so instead i'm copying and pasting the piece i wrote for the "tribute to lorie" booklet i helped construct for her memorial service:

dear lorie,

I’ve been putting off writing this because until I do I feel like you are still out there somewhere and I can just call you up or come over and connect in some way and I won’t have to write any final words…

I got the call on a monday and by tuesday I was driving up to visalia trying to sort out my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions…nine hours later I was at your bedside trying to decide how to tell you how much you meant to me or if I should focus on saying goodbye and how much I’d miss you or I should tell you that I knew you could fight and pull through…but then when I saw you I was just struck by your strength. I didn’t feel like you would want to say goodbye or have me feel sad about losing you so I held your hand tightly and told you how much I love you and focused on the present. that is one thing I learned from you for sure…the importance of living in the moment and appreciating life and those around you…I truly believe you packed over 100 years into your short 36…you were able to move a few fingers and lift your leg and I felt you were the one supporting me as always at a time I so wanted to be there for you so I just squeezed your hand more tightly and hoped you would intuit these things…you never kept track of who owed who and always gave so freely of yourself so I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that…by the end of the week all medical signs indicated we were losing you but I suppose one of the ideas I want to convey is that you will never be lost…your spirit lives on in so many ways! One of the last touching moments I had was at your bedside with arlene, both holding on to you for the last time and you lifted your arm a little...not once, but twice and I believe in your own way you were hugging us…not goodbye, but to let us know you will always be there…

There are so many things I want to tell you; reminisce about working together at brava, celebrations shared, ALWAYS laughing together, thank you for so many things, mostly I just want to be with you. I’ve been having these conversations with you in my mind, in dreams, and I suppose these are just more indicators you will always be with us…but there were a couple of specific things I wanted to emphasize…my husband was saying how you were “unapologetically yourself” and this was so important to me throughout our friendship. You were ok with your weaknesses and embraced your strengths and taught me to do the same at a time when I was very vulnerable and insecure. Secondly, you made me feel special and cherished by you every moment we spent together. If I can just love myself and help others feel loved the way you did with me, this will be just one more way your spirit can live on…

Lorie I could go on and on…you were one of the most brilliant people I knew…in many ways beyond intelligence; your quick wit, sense of humor, intuition and ability to read people and hang with the cool crowd or nerds or strangers…you made each person feel special and brought life to every interaction. People were drawn to you and wanted to be a part of lorie’s world. I always told you you should be a writer and just write life through your eyes…I’m trying to do this through this booklet but beyond that your life lives on in our memories…may it also live on in how we live our lives…may we learn from your example to embrace our opportunities to love ourselves and others and make the most of every day…I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on... anyhooo…that is all I have until I can hold on to you for always in heaven

Love, denise

funny after i just re-read this (2 years later) i realized i wanted to write about her brilliance back then, too...she was just one of those people who GOT it...how to live life, treat people, connect, be in the present, give of herself...i miss her so much...right now i just want to laugh together...she could always make the most difficult situations either funny or give people perspective it wasn't THAT bad...i'm rambling through my pain and not very articulate but just felt i should get something down on this anniversary of her passing.