"cindergordin"

i've really had trouble with balance lately...wanting to put my family and being in the moment before others or this blog or not to worry more about recording life over living it...signing up for nablopomo doesn't help...i know it usually only motivates me to get on here and then i resent when days go by i HAVE to make time for this blog but am not feeling it...or at the expense of my family...

i feel like i'm coming to a cross roads or pivotal milestone or time of change or something like that for my daughter, sea. she just turned 6 the end of last month...but something about not being able to count her age all on one hand...not having the "play based" kindergarten...i'm not sure what the difference is, but i feel it. or maybe i'm projecting it onto her from my own experiences at her age...i know when i studied child development in my psychology classes they talked about how impressionable the first five years are...am i losing my influence on her now? i'm over-analyzing all this but she is worried about something, too. the last few weeks she will bring up how she doesn't want to go to school. i try to calmly ask her why and find out what she is worried about and she usually says something about wanting to stay home with me...that she can always do home school instead. it is true, i have told her if school doesn't work out that we can do that...i just haven't figured out what the criteria is for not working out...i've told her she needs to at least give first grade a chance.

i adored her kindergarten teacher. i think the only thing i could have adored about her more is if she had been warm and fuzzy and emotional and touchy feely but those qualities probably would have been at the expense of some of her characteristics that really worked for sea and our family like her strength, security, forceful nature...she is passionate in her beliefs and has the integrity to do what she believes in over the wishes of the school, district, state, etc. that kept shoving "worksheets" at her...she insisted on hands on learning, letting children play, move, be children, learn at their own pace, learn through art, music, dance...and by golly sea learned to read even when we did no homework and my only goal was for her to enjoy being a child and play...i have been looking for a similarly minded 1st grade teacher and unfortunately with budget cuts they've moved people around and i don't know who we will get...i know sea is strong, adaptable, secure, enjoys learning...she'll probably do fine with more structure and even with homework. but i think we are both worried. i asked her last night to tell me more about kindergarten. i was hoping if she could tell me about her experiences from last year i might get a feel for how that might contrast with her expectations for 1st grade. so maybe tomorrow i'll ask her to make me a book about 1st grade.

here is what she wrote about "cindergordin" (i love her phonetic spelling and that her teacher encourages it and doesn't try to correct it so they will try on their own):

"we dra thans awt of shaps"
"we mac sure (can't read how she wrote that) evryone is he rit now"
"we do reses thas the fonist ever now" (richard scarry reference with the "best __ ever")
"we pat (paint) ik"
"we do math"
"bot i do not like skool" (love her arms crossed and colored in for emphasis)
"i like to sta hom"
i believe we are hugging each other in this last drawing...i really want to hold on to her "too" tightly (we say things like i love you "too much" when we really like something)...not sure how to let go enough to let her thrive and find her own way when there is so much i want to influence and be a part of...