road trip to corpus christi overview

it is 7:41 a.m. and i have been up for almost 2 hours...we are halfway through our road trip and other than a few notes in my journal i have not chronicled this trip at all! i have some great photos but not nearly as many as i'd hoped. i will post photos to the corresponding blogs once i get the ideas down. i'm excited to have the family sleeping and an hour or so of free mommy time to bask in the sunlight pouring through the lobby window...enjoying way too many pastries (bear claw/almond/marzipan type pastry is my favorite) and a lot of coffee....lounging in my pjs...and thinking of the possibilities for the day now that we are "here" and not on our way somewhere else.

my dear friend ana is getting married here tomorrow. she is staying at the nicer hotel next door and we are in a somewhat rundown quality inn..it has a "beachy" feel to it and we have a great view of the ocean (technically the bay since we are on the gulf of mexico side), sand, pool and a grassy area.

ana is getting married in a church...this was originally something her parents really wanted but with 90+ degree weather (already, before 8 a.m.) and too much humidity (thunderstorms are expected the next couple of days so yeah, we may hit 100% humidity) i think we will all be grateful to be indoors. the reception will be at the aquarium. should be cool. she has some great friends and ana has been very good at keeping us all updated on one another so i feel like i know these people pretty well. in lieu of a rehearsal dinner she is having a pizza, beer and wine social tonight.

ok, that is pretty much where we are at now. so i'll give you an overview of where we have been and where we are going and then start posting "day 1" etc. type posts to pretend like i have been updating this blog all along. that will also make it feel more like a "dear diary" type entry which i love...

we left friday, june 20 around 9 p.m...m had hoped to get off work early. his parents had hoped to be there the day before. we had hoped to be completely packed so we could literally jump in the car. none of these things happened and coordinating the agendas and junk of four adults and two children took way too long. sea still managed to be happy as a clam and stayed up singing much of the drive.

story just woke up...more later...d

the journey forward

this photo was taken in may, 2004 one year before my dad passed away. we were driving in petersburg, va (his hometown) back east for his mom's funeral. we had a specific destination in mind but i remember when i took this photo it felt more conceptual...just the journey of life and i was especially struck by the sun highlighting my father's worn yet supportive hand on the wheel so to speak...i feel very morbid and dramatic typing this but the reality is the last memory i would have of him would be holding this same hand after he passed...so from a conceptual standpoint i am just thinking about life as a journey and passing experiences and support on through the generations...and beyond the symbolism what i would do to just hold his hand and not let go...

on some unconscious level i guess i feel like i have to write about him or his effect on my life to keep his memory alive or show others my deep love for him and how much he meant (means) in my life but i must remind myself that truly he would rather my life reflect that and not obsess over including him in there specifically.

his sister recently wrote (in reply to an e-mail i sent her...my words in quotes):

"..I guess I felt badly that you didn't mention my dad at all"(in an e-mail to me on the anniversary of his death)

she replied:

Denise, There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my brother, your Dad and also my mother and father. I miss them all so much.They were every important people in my life ,as far back as I can remember. The memories will never go away, but somehow we must go forward and live our life for and with the love ones we have around us. You have two beautiful children that you love very much, so concentrate on them. Life is not always fair. I know you feel they have been robbed, all too soon, of a wonderful loving granddaddy and you, a father. Also, think how much loss and pain your mother is feeling. He was her soul mate. He did so much for her and she is all alone. There are always positives to the negatives. Hopefully more of the positives.
I can't write down everything about my brother that I can remember from the past, It would take volumes Someday when we are together, we can talk and I hopefully can answer your questions.
Keep you chin up and know your Dad is somewhere over the rainbow, looking down on all of us with a great big grin on his face. He left us all with so much. Let's try not to disappoint him.
My love to all, _______

i felt resentful and angry i even have to figure out how to mourn/live without him but that is the reality...so instead i'm going to do what he always did and what she is right, he would want me to do, and focus on the positives and live my life well...

so this post is meant to be a symbolic "moving forward" to allow me to post about the random whatevers in my life experiences, my crazy thoughts and analysis, the mundane and sometimes sacred daily moments...here is one of sea eating breakfast...feeding her favorite friend goggin...

daddy's day summarized

well it has been two weeks since my dad's day as i have referred to the anniversary of his passing and it could easily be months before i move on with other ideas to blog about so i am making myself sit down (yes, it is 3 a.m. when i have finally run out of other things going on to make myself do this) and summarize the day...

the easiest way to do this would be to start by copying and pasting part of an e-mail i sent to my friend who also lost her dad shortly after i lost mine...

"how are you? i was prepared to be very emotional and irrational today
and the irony is that all day i felt so "normal" and productive that
now i'm questioning my sanity (or at least general sense of well-
being) on most other days! i didn't think about my dad nearly as much
as i wanted to although i enjoyed breakfast at the restaurant we took
him to for his 65th bday overlooking la jolla cove, drove to the
place on the bay where he passed away and watched a video from the
65th bday party he threw for my mom (sea was story's age now). all of
these things seemed very far away. it seemed like he had been gone
for years. and then when the day was almost over i suddenly had the
urge to call him and just talk about nothing in particular...so maybe
i was a little bit in denial...suddenly as i'm trying to recap for
you i feel exhausted and emotionally drained so maybe i had built
this up and then didn't feel anything and now i don't have the
physical energy to feel? i don't even feel like brainstorming anymore.

(other unrelated stuff here...)

do you blog at all? that has been cathartic in some ways but in
others i feel like i SHOULD blog and haven't felt up to it.

i really don' t have much to say. i should have typed this to you
when i felt "normal" although that was relatively short lived and
part of what i love about our friendship is that i can share all the
down parts of myself and feel supported and often understood by you.

...more here...

love, d"

and now even though that e-mail pretty much summarized my dad's day i feel compelled to copy and paste part of a follow-up e-mail i just sent her to tell more about where i'm at with this loss...

"i feel like most people in my life are either working to forget my dad or have successfully 'moved on' with their life...this is not my agenda and in fact it makes me feel really sad in a different way from the acute missing of him in the beginning to just an ache or emptiness"

so i really just wanted to use the anniversary of his death as a day to celebrate him and talk more about him and very few people around me wanted to do that.

it is too late to try and write much more on this topic so i'll try to move past it and blog about something else i care about...i still welcome any feedback and memories of my dad that any of you readers have to share...

in memory of granddaddy

ok so tomorrow, may 28, 2008 is the 2nd anniversary of the loss of my dad. i thought this photo was fitting...from the 70's, in front of our house with our dog snowflake and my dad with his arm around all of us...last year i did a photo tribute mostly with photos of sea and i am so sad that he never got to meet story. i feel like there is so little to say and yet so much that i could say. i would love for any of you who knew him to post memories/positive thoughts about him when you get the chance. i'm really hoping to keep his memory alive in as many ways as possible. my son is already working on doing that with his smile...maybe that will be my photo for the post tomorrow summarizing my tribute to my dad. i'm looking forward to watching videos of him with sea although they will be difficult to watch...i hope she can enjoy them since i try to talk about granddaddy all the time but haven't gotten to show her as many photos/videos as i'd like.

thanks to all of you for your support and love now and in the past...

mommy's day

i'm headed to my mom's house...post to follow...d

longest post ever...sleep or productivity

ok it is hard to move past an emotional posting about my dad but i have so many things on my mind and actually feel energized this morning...a new day...fresh start...time...and most importantly at this moment, the whole family is asleep...

just to give a little context about sleep...first of all, i love it! i used to sleep for up to 10 hours at night and definitely valued or felt like a needed regular 1-1.5 hour naps when i was in high school, college, and at some points after that (some of this may have been tied to depression, too) as i got older i didn't feel like i needed as much sleep to be productive but definitely still valued naps of 45 mins to an hour before sea was born.

when sea was little (not the sleeping all the time little, but about the point where regular naps are a regularity for most children) i mentioned to her doctor that she only slept for about 45 minutes when she napped...i paused, waiting for some helpful reply about how this would change with age or what i could do differently and the pediatrician's response was "i'm sorry"...so lack of sleep is something we've lived with since she was born...

i've very grateful to report that story is almost sleeping through the night at 2 months of age! by this i mean he rolls over and nurses a couple of times but sometimes this doesn't wake me up and he is able to keep sleeping through it many times (especially if i have the energy to get a burp out before i fall back asleep).

sea has been sleeping through the night for awhile now but she still has reflux or what we call "bubble" issues that awaken her periodically...for example, yesterday she was really fussy and actually whimpering and semi-crying while we were driving around in the car at about 1...this is what she will do when she is exhausted and ready to fall asleep (and she rarely does this...usually she will power through and then crash) but she woke up late this particular day and even though she was acting tired i figured there was something else going on...it sounded almost like a pained gassy cry...sure enough, she had this same cry later in the evening so we tried to take preventative measures with gas drops, lots of water, kefir (a probiotic like powerful yogurt)...she didn't go to bed until 11 but she did have a 2 1/2 hour nap yesterday...during which i really wrestled with the title of my post...i DESPERATELY wanted to sleep with her because napping is so rare for her these days...but i knew i was behind on being productive and at the very least i needed to pick up the house and get organized with what needed to be done (even if i didn't do it) so by the time i had done that, story woke up and since he sleeps so much, i couldn't really nurse him back to sleep so we could all sleep together so i just spent some awesome one on one time with him...staring in to his eyes, soaking in his baby smell, trying to remember and copy his new baby coos...and smiling back at him...he is normally quite serious, reflective, engaged at looking into people's eyes...but sometimes he just breaks into the hugest smile...bigger than sea's, even, at this age...and he'll keep smiling if you respond back...

we all slept well through the night and then around 5:30 both children were stirring and wanting to nurse...somehow i determined who needed it most and got them both fed and both back to sleep before 6 and then i realized i was wide awake and this would be a great time to be productive...so i brought story, who was stirring a little bit probably because he needed to burp, out to the front room and after rocking him with skin on skin contact (more for me than for him) i lay him down and then soon after heard sea semi-whimpering and semi-awake calling out to me in her sleep...she was squirming around when i went in to the bedroom and might have worked through it but after she passed some gas i thought maybe she had a bubble so i came in...found her diaper way too wet (all that water before bed plus nursing several times through the night) and made the decision to change it even if that meant she would wake up...but she didn't...this probably helped her go back to sleep...more nursing, rolled over ton snack story and then it was 7...i will have had a solid 30 minutes of alone time and then manuel will wake up around 7:30...

so now that i've update you with many details of "life as mommy"...some great things to remember and some just the basics of our life...i feel freed to begin my lists...i was going to title this post "goals" because i just wanted to sit down and list them to get them out of my head and start working on them, but i felt like all the sleep issues and nuances of our life that prevent me from getting to these lists were more important to get down first...

#1. the first goal has to do with procrastination

i could write a whole post on this...this is the "story of my life" (a phrase my mom likes to use) and in many ways has become part of my identity...i think that is a cop out on my part...like if it is part of who i am, then i can't change it...when i was younger i thought i had to wait until the last minute to do anything in order to be motivated to make it happen and now that i'm older, i still use that reasoning but it really doesn't work that well when you have to account for two small children who almost inevitably will throw off any time plans

i was just stopped mid-sentence by sea's desperate calls "mommy? mommy! mommy!" and i thought for sure she had a bubble...but she had just semi-woken up and i wasn't there...so after some reassuring words, stroking her hair, patting her tummy, snuggling up and breathing in to her neck...she was easily back asleep...it is 7:35 and manuel is sleeping in...

so back to procrastination and how i can't do it well...i should point out that was part of the whole identity thing, that i could not only wait until the last minute to say, write a 10 page research paper, but do it WELL so it was a challenge to see how long i could wait and how well the outcome could be...so of course if the outcome wasn't what i had hoped, i could say "well what did you expect, i did it at the last minute...if i'd started earlier, think how much better it would have been" but actually that reasoning just isn't true for me because i never could start early...so my new goal for myself is to make myself do things early just to see if i can.

manuel and i were fighting over this issue this weekend...friday i had been quite productive cleaning the house and doing 3 loads of laundry but then story got his own bubble or reflux or colic or gas or whatever the hell it was he kept crying for over an hour and couldn't be soothed so i felt helpless like that was the reason i couldn't finish everything and we left for our friend's house for dinner with piles of laundry everywhere and sea's toys strewn all over (they were all put away before story's meltdown but of course i let her play while i was absorbed with him) but really if i had started cleaning earlier in the week so i didn't have to do it all in one day, i wouldn't have been in this position...

then again on saturday morning i was wrapping a gift for a bday party moments before we walked out, trying to force sea to color a handmade bday card, and didn't have the photos uploaded off the digital camera so we couldn't take the slr...

i could come up with several more examples but hopefully you (and i) see the point...it is 7:43 and manuel just woke up...i'm losing my train of thought...oh yeah, back to challenging myself to NOT procrastinate. so i'm hoping after i make my list of things to do (these will be more ongoing long-term goals) that i can figure out a way to do them early when they don't have to be done yet...like every morning when i wake up and try to be productive, i can add something to my list that is actually not necessary until the next day....i'm having trouble even thinking of examples...i guess grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills...i don't have to wait until the due date or until the fridge is empty...

ok i'm bored with the procrastination thread so i will continue on with the other long term goals i've listed for myself in my journal...another thing i do...analyze aspects of myself and write about them in several places instead of doing them...

#2. spend a couple of hours a week "spring cleaning"

this is related to procrastination...there are so many things in my life that never get done because i don't have a goal for when they will and without goals and time constraints, i don't have the internal motivation to make it happen...so every week (probably sunday is the best day for this but i will also try to do it "early" or just do SOMETHING for even a few minutes a day if necessary) i want to tackle part of the burdens that are always hovering behind the daily tasks...these include many many MANY photo projects, paperwork piling up with things i'd like to do someday or parenting articles or health topics to implement or at least read about, way too many clothes that i never get rid of or at least remember that i have to wear (this goes for both children, too...they grow out of things before i remember i had them)...i'm already bored with this topic but i get the point so i will move on to the others on my list...

#3. exercise

san diego is such a gorgeous city with nearly perfect weather day and night. i wake up and envision myself going on many walks but never fit this in to a schedule...i'd ideally like to wake up early and walk with both children before starting the rest of my day but i know i'm not a morning person so i'll have to schedule this in instead...i also love stretching and i think if i did this daily, sea would love to do it with me and i'd have more energy...finally, i have to work out child care to make the mommy and me yoga class every wednesday morning. i loved this time with sea when she was little and then she started crawling and i had to give it up...i enjoyed meeting and relating with other moms, too...and it would be nice to have this alone time with story and finally it would be good for sea to spend fun time with other friends without me and realize she enjoys these experiences and all is fine...it is wednesday today but i haven't worked out or at least confirmed we are trading babysitting so i'll see what time sea is up to see if we can make this happen or not...s

#4. floss and general tooth care.

i used to have such nearly perfectly healthy teeth...

another interruption...life as mommy continues...story started crying just before 8...it is now 9:13 and in that time we have done so many things it is hard to recap them all...but i will try for the sake of giving you an idea of morning life...right now sea is dancing around in her pj top (two diaper changes and talk of going in her potty or wearing panties didn't go anywhere) and a diaper...she just said "ok throw this froggy?" and even though he is rubber and i don't really care, i've told her we only throw balls so i have to say no...she is now role playing with story...telling him a story with her froggy in a hushed voice...something about going to the doctor...she also talks about seeing a clown at sea world a lot...these are the two things she dreads right now...she just asked me about my coffee...which is actually yerba mate tea in steamed milk...i decided to let her try it and of course she loves it and keeps saying "little bit more..." and i allow her to take sips while she works on her laxative laced "green juice" (odwalla superfood and water)..."now?" she says with the hugest smile on her face..."i want to hold it"...it is a giant green mug...she chocks getting too much..."i LIKE that...ok sea put it on here?" "no, it is too bouncy..." "WHY?" she asks as she bounces the side table around...story is calling out for attention...he has been cooing a lot recently...this morning in fact i took him in to sea who was still sleeping "NOW i have some..." i'm really multi-tasking trying to drink tea, type, engage with sea, share tea, include story...now i sent her off to get him a blankie to cover him in his bouncy seat since it is a cooler day and the windows are open to let the breeze in...anyway, when i went in this morning story was super happy and cooing a lot with his arms and legs bouncing all over the place and when sea slowly woke up i told her how happy he was to see her and she had the brightest smile believing this (she is his favorite but he was happy before he saw her)...so we spent at least 30 mins of cuddle time...sea is saying "mommy LOOK" as she puts her little dolls and animals on story's head...he is excited she is playing with him but a little nervous too since she can inadvertently injure him, too...he is crying now and she is trying to soothe him by bouncing him the way she has seen me do...he has the hiccups so he is probably wet...i'll try that to problem solve...

so story was slightly wet...sea also took off her diaper...story really was tired and hungry...he pretty regularly goes down for a nap around 10 and it is 9:45...in this time sea mailed a straw wrapper in the space between her toy box and the lid her "mailbox", i told her we were out of sea's granola ("nola") because we had to call costco to see if they made it anymore so she stuck her head out of the bedroom door and called "yogurt, do you have any nola?", then she showed me her "mingo" (flaming0) pose, jumped over the wipes on the floor (several times back and forth) and now she is entertaining herself turning her fishy light on and off while story is asleep...i can hear the button clicking but when it gets too quiet i'll go and check on her...

i don't have to...she is back to see what i'm doing...she pushes on the end table "this wiggles?" and now she is staring at my screen so i'm off to feed her breakfast...she started crying in the chair and then had a bowel movement so i think some of her problems are digestive...story has been asleep almost an hour and sea had very little food and some nursing...but she is happily playing so i'm going to try and finish this line of thought.

one of my girlfriends from college that recently moved to the area is coming over with her 3 boys for dinner friday night...we are going to make pizzas using trader joes dough and lots of yummy fixings...maybe i'll post photos...she is in law school so i enjoy living vicariously through the discussions she has with manuel...i love writing, arguing, analyzing but still don't want to be a lawyer...

ok it is 10:45 so sure enough, story slept close to 45 minutes just like sea...he is happy as a clam after passing gas (i fear they both have digestive issues) and i am overcoming my guilt that i should be engaging with him whenever he is awake...he has a wooden toy hanging over him if he feels like reaching for it...he has been sucking on his fist recently and i love that he self-soothes...hope this continues although i think i have a healthy balance of allowing him to breast feed mainly to eat but sometimes just to suck...

ok, back to my list...i left off on teeth...i used to have no cavities and the dentist would comment on what great teeth i had so needless to say during some of my depressive years this personal hygiene was not where i wanted it to be...now i feel like this has lead to more difficulty with upkeep on my teeth currently but i've become much more regular in flossing since putting something called "theives oil" on my floss and following this up with a natural mouth wash...love how clean my teeth feel and it is supposed to be good for ridding my mouth of bacteria, too...anyway, more info than i meant to share...story is cooing SO loudly...he is so happy right now smiling to himself...i love these moments and want to go share it with him but i have to finish these thoughts while i'm on a roll...

so on the topic of teeth, i also want to get in to a more regular routine of brushing sea's teeth twice a day (we are lucky if this happens at bathtime at night) and making that a standard part of story's life once his teeth come in.

#5. personal hygiene.

sounds basic but with two little ones and sea being so spirited...well, self-care such as a shower doesn't come until the end of the day...so my new goal is to take a shower, wash my face, brush my teeth and my hair first thing so i feel more energized, alive, motivated, ready to face the day, etc.

#6. tea and stories.

while enjoying my tea i just remembered that i want to share tea with sea in the afternoons
(chamomile or something calming for her--yerba mate or green tea for me) while reading books for at least a half hour...this will serve the dual purpose of trying to get down time/relax and help sea MAYBE take a nap while getting in my goal of reading to her more often and more regularly. we go to the library once a week so we can rotate books...

"sea's the big sister now!!" (arms raised high over with her head with dramatic flair) sea is telling me how she used to go in this same little tent when she was tiny but now she is big and story is tiny..he is getting a little concerned about her shaking it all around...or maybe he has gas...or maybe he is just trying to talk...i can't decide but i will continue typing...

#7. more sleep

go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, take a nap with sea (ok, sea needs to TAKE naps) but hopefully if we can get this cycle improved (will probably have to start by waking up earlier) naps will logically follow...

story just got out another "stink bunk" as we call passing gas...so i guess his sounds of distress can come from multiple causes...

#8. keep up on e-mails

reply to people when i read the e-mail instead of waiting until i have time. send more regular updates about my life to people, stay in touch for their birthdays, keep up on their lives, etc.

#9. food--variety and timing

we eat a lot of the same healthy meals but i figure if i cook for others or have them over for dinner or have more playdates, i will get ideas based on what other people eat regularly and maybe we can trade off..talked to my friend about having a cooking club or supper club where we would cook for one another...also making myself pack more snacks for sea so she eats more regularly...and i want to sit down to eat breakfast and dinner...we do now but usually it someone on the computer or watching tv...i want to get the kids to bed earlier so they aren't exposed to technology more than they have to be...

#10. more playdates

i have so many friends here in town now and we always talking about getting together for playdates...i want to not only attend playgroups, storytime, park dates, etc. but plan play days with my various friends and rotate them on a calendar...new toys, getting out of the house, more socialization, etc.

#11. visiting my mom/my mom visiting.....

sea is trying to have her chew toy (dog chew toy that is..given to her by her uncle matthew who has a dog but no kids) sit on the edge of the computer..i think it is time for me to close...she is saying she wants to turn the computer off...

basically i just wanted to add that i'd like to schedule in visiting my mom and sister...playing with quinn, nathan and lily, visiting cousin chloe and meeting samantha...helping my mom be productive, going through old family photos, eating out (indian and vietnamese food!), playing with dolls at hayno's house...and of course i want my mom to come here more regularly (babysitting, i'll get to go to the yoga class, and she is really good about reading to sea in such an engagin voice)...much more on these ideas but i'm off to take that bath before noon...

memories

me my dad my sister my mom... 1970 something...
this post is really rather misleading because it isn't really about memories...but i've been floating around that idea for awhile now even if i'm not emotionally strong enough to go to any memories of my dad...most of you know i lost him just under two years ago...with the anniversary of his death coming up on may 28 (and residual pregnancy hormones trying to sort themselves out) i've been particularly emotional recently...

last night we watched a recorded episode of american idol and one of my favorite singers, jason, (who looks like a male version of my friend brandie and has a very pure and simple melodic voice) sang "memories"...i love this song anyway (from the musical cats...a woman sang the original version) and it reminds me of younger years and more dramatic times...but i suppose it also reminded me of my dad even though i couldn't think about it at the time...we actually wrote "thanks for the memories" on his tombstone because he said this ALL the time especially right before he died and we never really listened or committed the experiences he was referring to into memory at the time...assuming we had so much more time to form them or at least to experience with him...i wanted to title this post "thanks for the memories" in memory of him but recently it has just been too painful to go there...

as i was typing these ideas, a train called out in the distance...not sure what i have already blogged about this but the sound of trains reminds me of my dad...i think it is because right after he passed away (he was visiting me here in san diego and on a walk down by the bay) and i was holding his hand, a train must have gone by right behind us (they pass roughly between where i live and where he passed away) and somehow as i was losing him this became my connection to him...like the sound of the trains (wherever they may be) are somehow him...calling out to me...reminding me he is still with me in spirit and can live through me or remind me of times with him...

i'm really crying way too much now and this was not the point of this post at all...i had really quite a lovely day with sea and story at a park at the beach and i still managed to be productive and they went to bed early and i had a great glass of wine and have been in a fairly stable good mood so i'm not sure why this wave of depression came over me...

so now the bummer is i'm going to feel like i need to leave this post up because any mundane topics or even anything i care to write about afterwards will somehow take away from my dad...like this should always be the top post or i should always pay tribute to him or i don't want this post to get lost...i guess these irrational reactions are some attempt at holding on to him...

there is no closure to this idea...he is still gone, will always be gone and i still want some way to bring him back, just be with him, have him experience our new son and our search for a new home and just share with him the daily experiences that make up my life that is now my life without him...

but as depressed as i feel, i really don't want to end on a negative note. my dad was such a positive, optimistic man who focused on the best in people, the best in me, the best in life...he would want this post that has now become about him to also be about me and about life and just one of many experiences that i share and live...so i will take a deep breath, breathe in the smell of my sleeping babies and enjoy what i have...and listen for more trains to be reminded he lives through me...