...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

daddy's day summarized

well it has been two weeks since my dad's day as i have referred to the anniversary of his passing and it could easily be months before i move on with other ideas to blog about so i am making myself sit down (yes, it is 3 a.m. when i have finally run out of other things going on to make myself do this) and summarize the day...

the easiest way to do this would be to start by copying and pasting part of an e-mail i sent to my friend who also lost her dad shortly after i lost mine...

"how are you? i was prepared to be very emotional and irrational today
and the irony is that all day i felt so "normal" and productive that
now i'm questioning my sanity (or at least general sense of well-
being) on most other days! i didn't think about my dad nearly as much
as i wanted to although i enjoyed breakfast at the restaurant we took
him to for his 65th bday overlooking la jolla cove, drove to the
place on the bay where he passed away and watched a video from the
65th bday party he threw for my mom (sea was story's age now). all of
these things seemed very far away. it seemed like he had been gone
for years. and then when the day was almost over i suddenly had the
urge to call him and just talk about nothing in particular...so maybe
i was a little bit in denial...suddenly as i'm trying to recap for
you i feel exhausted and emotionally drained so maybe i had built
this up and then didn't feel anything and now i don't have the
physical energy to feel? i don't even feel like brainstorming anymore.

(other unrelated stuff here...)

do you blog at all? that has been cathartic in some ways but in
others i feel like i SHOULD blog and haven't felt up to it.

i really don' t have much to say. i should have typed this to you
when i felt "normal" although that was relatively short lived and
part of what i love about our friendship is that i can share all the
down parts of myself and feel supported and often understood by you.

...more here...

love, d"

and now even though that e-mail pretty much summarized my dad's day i feel compelled to copy and paste part of a follow-up e-mail i just sent her to tell more about where i'm at with this loss...

"i feel like most people in my life are either working to forget my dad or have successfully 'moved on' with their life...this is not my agenda and in fact it makes me feel really sad in a different way from the acute missing of him in the beginning to just an ache or emptiness"

so i really just wanted to use the anniversary of his death as a day to celebrate him and talk more about him and very few people around me wanted to do that.

it is too late to try and write much more on this topic so i'll try to move past it and blog about something else i care about...i still welcome any feedback and memories of my dad that any of you readers have to share...

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