MPT #1 my birth: missing something or someone

i is fitting that the first photo is of ME pregnant instead of my mom...i can be quite self-absorbed and am always trying to find myself in there somewhere...i would have put one of my mom pregnant with me but those childhood photos are at her house. yesterday i was free associating in a post on this journey of recording my childhood and concluded i was ready to "dive in" to the task...i don't really think i am ready. i feel like i need too many disclaimers and explanations before i begin...instead of going in to them all, i'll list a few that i'll probably hit on throughout this journey but for now i'm in a funk and don't have the energy:
1. i do my best work when i wait until the last minute which means i sometimes don't get it done or sabotage my endeavors (i can then conveniently blame "lack of time" on not coming through)
2. i ramble and free associate a lot...have too much to say...have a chaotic writing style
3. i over-analyze everything
4. i'm an idealist/tragic-romantic type...usually looking for the good in most things even if i'm critical or depressive on the way
5. i change perspective a lot...blast to the past, look at it through the present, look to the future i hope for my children and family
6. i don't have most of my childhood photos with me (which is a good thing or i could never choose and would never do this)

finally, before i begin, what i'm hoping to do in this journey of recording my childhood is share myself with my children so they can understand and learn about their mom and hopefully so i can do the same! figure myself out...where i came from...what i value now...so i can live with more integrity and practice mindful parenting with my children and be the wife i'd like to be for my husband.

so now that i've clarified i don't think this project is all about ME...here is a photo of my mom about the time she gave birth to me:

and me looking up at her adoringly after a bath in the sink:
so much history...where do i begin...with how i look at my life now? what i think impacted this view? and then work backwards? i guess i have 15 posts to weave in all those details...the photos i uploaded before i left town to fill in are rather random...i'll try to be more organized in the next few weeks...here is photo of me as a young girl...
and then one of my son at close to the same age (he looks more like his dad but i could see a little of myself in there)...
and me at my first birthday...
and me with a dog i don't remember but interestingly enough we've been thinking about getting this type of dog...
and i always grew up with cats...so here is my daughter with our cat claire...
and my daughter with her toy monkey...
and me with my toy...
and me with the neighbor girl linda (i called her "ginky") in the neighborhood i grew up in...
i suppose my journey should go back to my grandparents...again, don't have the proper photos for this but here is one with me, my mom's mom, my mom and my sister. my grandma mimi (which is what my mom has my children call her now) was very old for her age. she was on her way to not getting married when my grandfather swept her off her feet and my mom came along as a surprise when she was in her 40's...my mom is off by a generation because of this as her mom's twin sister had her first child at 16 so my mom's nieces and nephews were older than her!
my dad passed away 4 years ago and i don't have the energy to go into that, but i'll briefly tell you he grew up in virginia (the south), the oldest of 4 children. he was a very "good" child and son and adult and did what he should and could to please his parents. he got married to my mom and had a professional job and our house was completed (they had it built) 2 weeks before i was born so they were "ready" for me. they were both 32 when i was born which was about 10 years older than most of the parents from that generation. they tried for a year to conceive and then when my mom went to the doctor she told him "i'm just too sick to get pregnant, i guess" to which he informed her she WAS pregnant. my mom had always wanted a girl and prayed and prayed that God would give her a girl. the day after valentine's day (this "missing" the love day theme will play itself out in future posts), on february 15, 1972, my mom went in to labor. the doctors told her to walk around and help things progress and soon after her water broke and i was born at 4:52 p.m. i wish i had more details about how she felt, the birth experience, her memories of first holding me, her hopes for me, etc. but that was all she could offer. i should add, while we are on this "missing something" theme that my mom was in a very serious car accident in college and has substantial memory loss...mainly she was unable to form meaningful long-term memories after the accident so the details of my birth fall into that category. i am also very sad that i don't have my dad anymore to fill in...

i was named after my mom's best childhood friend, denise. i'm not sure if it is noteworthy or not that they had a falling out and are no longer friends. my middle name is leanne and i didn't like that name (it was a common one...my sister's middle name is lee) so i used to tell people it was pollyanna which is funny to me now since i think that name is worse! but it is more dramatic which fits with me.

i wish i had more energy and time...so much to say and the stories aren't coming together...i guess i have many more opportunities...oh, i forgot to include in my disclaimers i feel compelled to write this like an autobiography with a theme running through but i'm going to let it flow naturally and organically and save editing for later....i'll leave you with a photo of my mom, dad and i before my sister was born. we lived in the same house that they had built my whole life until i left for college and my mom still lives there...just deleted said photo :( along with a little summary on missing something or someone (my dad, being understood, etc.)...will fill in the details later

this post is the first in a MPT ("mommy's piggy tales") series recording my childhood. janna created her website to help people record their memories on set dates with the support of others in a group doing the same. check out their stories or share your own here.