worm, mosquito fish, winter tomatoes, art class

Goodnight Steve jobs

Juggling priorities and missing lorie

i had so much to write about today and now it all seems gone...i lost my friend lorie 3 years ago yesterday...sent out an e-mail to our mutual friends saying:

"it is just after midnight...now the 4th...and i'm missing lorie and missing the date and missing you all to boot...i've been singing "bye, bye miss american pie..." all weekend and probably on and off since the day i first met lorie...her music plays on in so many ways, in so many lives. i want to stay better connected to you all and share our lorie memories and love for her through times spent together. i know loriepalooza has probably become more of a n. cal phenomenon, but i'd make the trip up some year, or love to celebrate her life through times spent with you all together more often anytime for that matter...it was lovely to see arlene and kenny and karri and marc this summer...you all should please come and visit us and we'll do the same when we are your way. let's keep connected the way lorie always connected so many. i'd love to hear how you celebrated lorie this year. nancy, i think of you often, and would like to keep better in touch. i'm going to dig up some old photos most of you have seen before and forward them to "see" that music that makes me smile...bye bye miss american pie..."

this was in reference to last year's e-mail chain and the connection to the song...here is what i wrote a year ago for more context and what i wrote originally about her for the booklet we made for her memorial.

i've been thinking about her all weekend...even when i didn't know i was thinking about her. i know this because i've been distracted and not in the place i'd like to be either appreciating my family and spending time together or being effective in my stay-at-home mom duties or as room mom...i was supposed to get out a weekly summary to the class on friday and put it off all weekend...here we are almost wednesday of the next week and i can't focus and pull it together to make it happen. this feels like college days when i would procrastinate beyond a motivating and acceptably late level and self-sabotage...i definitely do NOT want to sabotage my role as room parent or anything that has to do with my daughter. so i will wake up early in the morning and make it happen.

on a lighter note...today sea and story were playing so well together...after their usual bowl of alphabet soup (see yesterday's post) they decided to get married...sea put on her cream colored silky flower girl dress from ally's wedding and story went and chose his own outfit..."broncos broncos" and they went down an aisle with sea ringing a bell and holding a felt flower...i asked what they were going to do next and sea said "have a baby" and she promptly pulled out a boy and a girl baby doll from inside of the top of her dress...i did take lots of photos of this but have not uploaded them, nor do i have the energy to do so right now...

i'm rambling to avoid thinking. or laying awake trying not to think. or feeling depressed. i wrote lorie's mom an email from the heart about my experience with grief with losing my dad and i haven't heard back from her. i hope i wasn't taking away from the loss of lorie...i definitely am experiencing an ongoing ache for both of them it's just that grief has a compounding effect...i need someone to relate with, tell me we will get through it...focus on heaven...get outside of myself...focus on my children...i'm not sure what to do but i'm in a funk.

if it were daytime i'd make myself a fancy coffee drink with coconut creamer and whip cream and cinnamon and focus on all the flavors and the buzz of the caffeine and then eat lots of dark chocolate and before my crash i would try to experience something altered from the exhaustion i feel...but it is nighttime and i should let actual sleep solve these problems. so i'll go try...pablo, my kitten is now meowing for attention...letting me know he plans on staying up, scampering around...see, i'm stalling, too...no resolution in sight and no energy to write something snazzy to sum it all up or move on...

here's to a better day tomorrow...and hopefully some restful sleep tonight...

"story, i'm going to give you the last can of alphabet soup"

 

sea and story love "martha speaks"...last week when we went to the library we cleared them out of all five martha speaks books...she and her brother love to pretend like they are both doggies...specifically sea makes "alphabet soup" for story to lap up out of a bowl (usually milk poured just to the edge where it can spill while he drinks it)...today she even found magnetic alphabet letters from the fridge and spelled out story's name in a bowl but the messy milk is more their speed they like to role play together...they are awfully quiet right now so i'm off to see where their imagination has taken them now...

between in-laws, football, pablo, enchiladas

my in-laws came down this weekend...in the middle of cleaning up enchiladas...trying not to let pablo escape again...yesterday was filled with lazy sleeping in, hanging out at home, shopping at the "ramate" swap meet, watching football, cooking/eating lots of food...enchiladas...beans, homemade rice, mashed potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, avocados...this morning poppy came with us to take sea to school...he got to attend her monday morning assembly...she has a marigold flower in her right hand for her teacher...

between

last night i decided to commit to posting every day in the month of october on nablopomo. i figure this will be good practice for november, the official national blog posting month and also get me to post something more often. the theme for october is "between"...i knew i wanted a photo of myself between my children and came across this one scrolling rapidly through my 101,655 on my hard drive...story is trying to get me to read him a "martha speaks" book from the library while he sits on my lap so more later...

my boyfriend robert

yesterday when i picked up sea from class she said "MOM! i have a boyfriend!" and then proudly presented me with robert. she said "you kiss me on the forehead and i'll kiss you on the hand" which they are doing here simultaneously...i asked her later how she knows about boyfriends or who told her about this idea (or did they read a book about it?) and she said "no, just because he is nice and my special friend"...still processing the idea of my little daughter having her first boyfriend...