hanging out with m

....definitely i think every 3 or 4 days is best for me...nablopomo is too hard...hung out with m tonight instead...so if you are dropping by, and feel like commenting on the matter, how often do you blog? on second thought, i am going to do an entire post on the meaning of blogging...i'd love your input on why you blog? who reads your blog? what blogs do you read? why? etc...i have 45 minutes to compose this before my children wake up...

missing sleep

i really just wanted to stay in bed tonight after putting my children to sleep...these are close-ups of story sleeping somewhere (car seat?)...he definitely got those sweet lips from his daddy...anyway, i have too much on my mind, too much anxiety, too much to do, not enough sleep, not enough time, not a good balance, etc. etc. disclaimers for why this is all i can bring myself to write tonight. hope to be a better blogger, commenter, mommy, wife, friend, relative, etc. soon...for now i'm missing sleep and headed back there...

i'm being very self-indulgent...lying on my stomach facing out the window...sun is low, typing on a laptop...my kids are crazy right now (speaking of this topic last post) and have been for about 48+ hours and i've been ignoring that (and them to some extent) which is never a good way to handle crazies (i know this because in trying this approach with my mom through the years she will find crazier ways to behave to get attention)...anyway, my mom temporarily has the kids engaged in a puzzle of sorts and i even hear an occasional laugh so i'm going to free associate on this idea. the idea that i have always LOVED writing...kept a regular journal since age 8 but never really studied it in school because i would sabotage myself with procrastination or needing some impetus or depressive episode to motivate myself to write...so here is my blogging conundrum: i've tried blogging every day and i've tried waiting until i felt "moved" to write and found that both approaches have really worked and really not worked. couple that with the idea that i do enjoy reading others' blogs and have even joined a "comment for a comment" group on NABLOPOMO which itself i have mixed feeling about...maybe some of you regular bloggers can chime in on how you balance feeling like you should comment on or thank every commenter yet not wanting to do it immediately after receiving it so it feels like you only comment because they did? do you know what i mean? one of my favorite blogs to read is a hippy chic like myself who got so big (her blog anyway) that she no longer needed to visit others' blogs to get comments but then i felt badly when she never visited my blog or thanked me for comments after i spent so many hours reading and writing long comments on her...i feel like in some ways i dropped the ball on that relationship since she visited my blog several times in the beginning when i first had one and i never really understood that one should try to leave a many comments as they have had left for them or just reciprocity in this area in general.

i'm also really starting to hate my run-on sentences. yes, that is how i think and i can show readers how i go between ideas but it feels heavy and laborious to wade through...now i'm distracted by story crawling all over my lap, nursing while i type...popping off to say "haaappy" then "mum-gees!" when i re-arrange him and he can't get a good latch and lounge at the same time...oh the joys of motherhood...i really am able to enjoy these little moments even though i'd like a solid hour to myself now and then (i usually sleep when i have these!)...

so looking back over my last few posts...i meant to fill you in on mother's day...my ideals, the last one before my dad died 4 years ago, what actually happened, etc. and instead i think you just got a title that day as we were at my mother-in-law's house and i didn't have access to a fast enough computer to justify jumping on without offending anyone...then a few posts before that there were some idyllic photos of sea dancing around in sunlight that i just had difficulty moving past...

do others have trouble writing a new post when you liked the previous one better? or wanting to edit a last post or add a post in between and never getting to go back to those things? do i obsess over these things too much? maybe i should revisit the crazy theme and variations of it...

i was really into this idea before my body got taken over by my suckling son so i'm off to finish packing and head back to san diego. tomorrow i host a cooking themed preschool...spanish themed complete with sangria...

how do you know if you are crazy?

i thought that would be a catchy title! ha! but the funny thing is tonight in our reunion planning committee meeting i was actually reflecting on this idea...we decided to add a link on our reunion website entitled "gossip" just to be kind of a hook to get people to see what is written there and then just poke fun of ourselves (the committee members)...as we brainstormed on what information to put there, we were cracking ourselves up and just kept disclosing more information about ourselves...it was kind of a group therapy session of sorts...

as i was driving home, chatting with my husband and asking him if he thought i was crazy (then? now?) and how i never really thought i was crazy at the time he said something like "i think that is one of the defining aspects of craziness, you don't realize that you are" which got me thinking about the genetic component and whether you could be "crazy" at one point and not be crazy now (which is how i feel)...i remember talking to a therapist back in the day about how "crazy" my mom was (using the term loosely and not clinically) and how afraid i was that i was crazy and how i took an MMPI and when my therapist interpreted it he told me i was elevated on several crazy scales but based on my high honesty scores and something else (?) he interpreted this to mean i was AFRAID of these things and not actually that way? interesting...

anyway, i'm off to update our 20 year reunion website and blog there, too. (drop by and give me feedback on that, too if you are up for it...) if you want a quick synopsis of one of the "crazy" stories from high school, i'll share a quick story that still cracks me up...i was "obsessed" with this one guy and got a job at a cafe a few houses down from his house. i used to do "drive bys" regularly to see if he was home, what he was doing, etc...i also worked as a medical transcriptionist and one day i was typing up a patient's progress notes and he was telling the psychiatrist i worked for how one of the members of the office staff was "stalking" him...i read more in his chart, curious who he was referring to and why he thought this...at first i thought it was just because his diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenic that he would think that...until i saw his home was RIGHT NEXT to the guy that i HAD been stalking! ha! how funny is that to make someone already paranoid believe their fears because they are there reality?

ok, that is all for now...maybe i'll actually have time to check out some of your blogs tonight (it has been way too long) but if you read this, i'd love your comments on how/why you think people are crazy. i could give many more details on why i am...:)

dropped balls

i failed to book my southwest vouchers for our flight to the east coast this summer...now that i'm getting around to it there are NO flights from any airport within 3 hours of us or within 8 hours of new york for the entire month of june and right up until we have to leave in july...so that is my task late tonight...

sea and skye singing happy mommy's day

Mom's day