urban walk to the bay

sunset is a common time for us to take this walk but to be honest, none of these photos were taken last night...we got in one of our last urban walks from our house (outside of our spanish building built in the 20's shown here):

so we live on a hill (this is juniper street) looking out over the runway of the airport and the bay. we head down brant street towards downtown, turn right and cross the busy on ramp traffic onto hwy 5 and continue down hawthorne street all the way down to the bay. then we head left along the PCH (the sidewalk right along the bay) looking at the new sculptures/art placed there)
this is one of the sculptures...the wheels spin in the wind:
...here is a close up of sea and story sharing space in the mountain buggy double stroller (which i love so much i'm linking you to a jogging stroller site that discusses them...we use it so often i believe it is worth every penny but check craigslist...we got this eggplant colored one for less than half price):

we could continue walking towards downtown (which we usually do on weekends...people watch everyone in restaurants, clubs, walking around)...but last night we just walked down to the star of india which is the ship my father was admiring when he passed away on a walk with manuel...last night manuel took his ipod and speakers down with us and we were listening to jewel's break me song...i was in my own thoughts so i wasn't paying attention to all of the lyrics which now that i pull them up they don't really fit as nicely as i'd idealized but we had just gotten to the end of the ship and were ready to turn and cross the street to head up ash when the song ended with "let me... feel your love again" and this brought tears to my eyes imagining actually holding on to my dad again...

here is the view as we headed back up ash with the bay behind us...
just as we were going to cross the rail road tracks a train came through...again, i felt my dad speaking to me...but shortly after this a paramedic ambulance type vehicle came wailing past and i was reminded about the reality/rawness of this happening when i lost my dad...

once we cross the RR tracks, we turn left on india street and walk down the main street in little italy past all the restaurants and cafes and all the people smiling at our children sleeping together...then right up grape and up a steep hill and left on albatross across to our home...

well the kids are screaming at each other (sea is trying to make story laugh by bugging out her eyes and making loud noises...then rolling away on her little car so he will chase her...) so i'm off to make breakfast...but just wanted to capture this walk...we need to take walks a little later i fear as the kids crashed by 7 which put them up at 7...i prefer the 8 to 8 schedule...

2 teeth and climbing

i came across this photo with story's 2 little bottom teeth...it is somewhat blurry but the expression says more than anywhere i was hoping to go with this concept...
of course with halloween around the corner i also thought of jack-o-lanterns and got a few photos of the kids after carving pumpkins in coop preschool...


and then it occurred to me that story has been climbing up, over, around, through and away... everything including stairs so i thought i'd include one shot of that...

this blog post would have been more powerful with just the blurry photo and blurry concept of story's two little teeth and sheer glee...sometimes ideas are better left unpolished, lacking the narration and over analysis and free association to too many other ideas...but story literally is climbing on to the next stage in his life and i feel so much slipping away that i suppose that is why i had to include the reference to climbing at the end.

through the eyes of a child

i took this photo of sea last week during coop preschool when her task was to "see" through her homemade binoculars...she was wearing her big eyed owl shirt and our topic was vision (we are making our way through the senses)...as i looked down the tp tube at her too blue eyes innocently staring back in to mine, i realized I was the one who needed a new vision...to look through her eyes for awhile...this idea has been brewing in my head...too far in the back i'm afraid to make it to this blog but now that lorie's memorial is over i am ready to focus on life again.

i'm like 30 blogs behind on my friends' lives (learning how to make homemade kombucha --thanks elaine --sounds like it should be on the top of one of my reads since i spend about $4 on this drink too often)...have way too many e-mails in my inbox, need to send the memorial booklet to way too many people--yes i underestimated how many people would want one--let me know if you are one of them and you haven't told me already... (this means deleting a lot of "sent" mail, too in order to not be nearing the max my e-mail mailbox can hold), way behind on facebook, and these are just the things that i WANT to do...bills, laundry, packing, groceries, cooking, the usuals haven't even made it to my "to do" list yet. but i'm ok with that. focusing on life sometimes mean focusing on the small and more fundamentally important things when the bigger less important things seem to be smothering me. it feels good to be a part of this active, dynamic, moving forward community instead of wallowing in my loss which turns out is a LOT of people's loss...the memorial book will help me spread the love that was lorie and i ended my contribution with the idea i presented here:

"I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on"

may i embrace life as you did, help others feel as special and cherished as i always did when i was with you...may i LIVE NOW...in the moment...
had to add one more photo of sea's "eyes"...taken a few days ago...

losing lorie

i'm not sure which is more telling...my pure glee or lorie holding on tightly...either way she is such a dear friend i'm still not ready to let go...

but i realized as i was wrestling with my grief that friends have been contacting me saying "we will pray for her" and even though i had been telling people she wouldn't pull through but for an unheard of miracle, it is true that i was waiting and hoping for that miracle myself. yesterday her mom contacted me to let me know that she had successfully donated a lung, both kidneys and her liver so at that point i had to concede she was really gone.

i got the call on monday and by tuesday night i had rallied my mom to drive up to visalia with me and the two wee ones...this of course was quite the challenging journey complete with meltdowns, gas bubbles, pulling over 15+ times, construction work on hwy 5 down to only 1 lane at 5 mph, etc. etc. but i made it up there and was able to hold lorie's hand and talk to her...

i wasn't sure what to say in the late hours of the night...no hope in sight yet lorie is one of the strongest people i know and if anyone could pull through i believed it would be her...so i wasn't prepared to say "goodbye" or how much she had meant to me past tense in case she wasn't there (meaning she wasn't ready to let go) and wanted to fight for life...so i squeezed her hand, stroked her signature thick hair, kissed her cheeks, and generally just felt what little life was left while repeating "we love you lorie...you are such a dear friend to so many people..." and at that point she was responsive, moving her legs, lifting a couple of fingers...i guess she had even teared the day before with vickie so i truly believe she knew we were there with her...i ended by telling her manuel wanted to be there to be with "legs" as he had called her when they had a fling as pre-teens at campmeeting...reminded her how she had saved his letter to her and read it to me to reinforce what a great catch my husband is but instead i had been struck by her...how she had saved this note and shared it with me to build me up when it was meant to compliment her...shes was always able to do that...turn things back to build up others...

according to the eeg she continued to lose brain function until thursday when 2 neurosurgeons called her "brain dead" and she failed to breathe on her own...i still held out hope she would improve until they actually took her organs but of course her giving spirit lives on literally...i suppose time of death was right after these surgeries around 4:30 a.m. yesterday, friday...i'm still not ready to let go...

there is so much to say...so much to miss...but i don't have the emotional energy so i will save it for the memorial booklet i am helping create for the services on the 18th. please spread the word to anyone who hasn't heard and e-mail me with any contributions. i always told lorie she was such a brilliant writer that she should publish a book of her wit...this is our chance to share bits and peices of what she shared with us...

i can see lorie as a young child through the eyes of my vivacious 3 year old; full of life, laughing, connecting with so many people...lorie's spirit lives on...