balance, tipping over and maybe m's pie theory

it is almost 2 a.m...story is whimpering in his sleep and i'll have to leave shortly to nurse him...which is appropriate in a blog about trying to find balance...on my mommy's journey where sleep is the first to go and my needs are often on the back burner...i'm obviously putting my need to get all these ideas out of my head above sleep right now...story is trying to "balance" literally here in this photo but this blog is about much more balancing that needs to be done...(and even though it seems like the 6 month old should be the one tipping over when he pulls himself up all the time now, he is actually much more stable than me...)

my thesis (yeah, the one that took almost 7 years to complete because i thought i had to find the meaning of life, report back on this for everyone and figure out who i was and what my values were and simultaneously live with integrity while finding meaning and living in the present, etc) was in many ways about balance. so this post could be really simple: we need balance in most areas for happiness, optimum functioning, etc... (kind of like i know that to be less depressed i need more sleep, to eat better, to exercise, get more sunshine, enjoy the little moments with my family, ask for help, accept help, accept myself, not try to control everything, let go of more things, hold on to more things....hmm the simplicity of this list is feeding my obsessive issues, too...so i'll stop there...my point was just that i can make the list and it seems simple and easy but somehow i get caught up in analysis or LIFE and miss out on too many of these things and end up depressed an exhausted. and then mad at myself that i know this and still don't give the important things enough time or energy. then i blame this on the depression...i have too little energy to devote to the important things...so the cycle continues and i suppose i'm posting this at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping (yes, i get the irony there) in order to get these cycles and this anxiety out of my head in hopes of implementing it more...may exercise (ok, go for a walk at least) with the kids tomorrow and report back...maybe even try going to bed early (or at least before 2 a.m.?) and plan meals so i'm not gobbling down whatever i can find last minute...maybe part of this problem is the whole wait until i REALLY have to do it procrastination problem i have...

had to stop the free association rambles to let the cat out...now that i'm back i lost the train of thought i never had...

oh, one other anxiety i have to get off my chest for the few who read this...i apologize for not returning e-mails, calls, attending playgroups, being active on facebook, etc. and promise once i get this "balance" thing worked out better i'll get back to connecting with all of you (and even those who don't follow my blog) and when i signed on to post i was prompted to add blogs i follow or "read" so i apologize in advance that i only added a few and have many more talented friends i do follow and do intend to put on there...comment on here is you are one of them so i'll get to you sooner...

ok, now i can go back to the point of this post and the semi-epiphany i was having tonight as i lay in bed with my body longing to physically shut down but my head too full and my heart aching so i tipped several scales and hope something benefits for the others that lose out if that makes sense? this i another post entirely (although very related) about balancing my thoughts and my feelings. one always wins and the other loses. why can't i find a win-win equation? i feel like crying right now but that reminds me of the third variable, my body. like i can separate my thoughts and feelings but they both reside inside a physical body that i also must care for...so maybe literally crying would help release both right now? i know sleep and better self care would definitely help both...but the obsessive need to get all this down right now is somehow helping release the thoughts and i am feeling better so i'll keep the rambles up...

story really is waking up so i'm going to have to get to m's pie theory later...wait, maybe those whimpers are still semi-unconscious so i'll give you the cliff note version:

when i was working on my thesis manuel shared with me one of his theories that life is like a pie...you can give one thing a whole bunch of your time, energy, value etc. or you can split up your life into a whole bunch of things and each only gets a sliver at the expense of the others...let's just say i feel like my pie is in crumbs right now and i want to get to a place where i can at least tell that all of this adds up to a whole in some way...on a symbolic level i feel like "me" is no longer even a pie...not sure if that makes sense but i'm losing myself in this process.

ok i'm starting to hate this post...i'm not "feeling" anything i'm writing anymore, i'm no longer feeling anything in fact (wish i had cried i guess) and the thoughts are drying up so i'll post this just to be vulnerable and current but not because i think it has nearly as much to say as when i was lying in bed thinking about posting...i thought because i felt like i was going to tip over instead of finding a balance that this blog would help stop the process but instead i already feel tipped? maybe a little sleep will help and tomorrow i can wake up with a new day to try and balance (or just be grateful i have the day and not worry if it is balanced?)