end of summer beach day

we went to the beach today...a couple beaches in fact (huge swells, undercurrents, wind and excessive bacteria sent us packing to different dog beaches)...right now my children are watching curious ("monkey") george and eating spinach and cheese ravioli...our dog can't decide if she wants to be in there with them, outside, inside, chasing our cat...the cat is asleep on the desk by my computer...slacker is playing "favorite mashup station"...some trance/dance type number that has more energy than i do...manuel is already asleep...we are going to spend all day tomorrow at our community pool and then go to the ice cream social at sea's school tomorrow night to find out who her first grade teacher is.

i've had so much anxiety about letting go of my little kindergartener, summer ending, not knowing what is ahead of us...we should know a little more tomorrow...i wanted to write a lot more on that topic like my memories of her in kindergarten, expectations before school, memories from summer, etc. but i'm not feeling it right now. i haven't been feeling a lot of things lately...like an irritable, sleep-deprived, anxiety-filled low grade depression that seems more self-indulgent than anything else...so i want the focus to be on HER or at least appreciating the now instead of lamenting what i'm losing...

i changed my nablopomo badge to the month of september and the theme of "return" but i haven't committed to writing every day this month as i was WAY over it and it felt like a task halfway through...i want to enjoy and look forward to blogging when i have the time, something interesting to say...that may not be tonight :)

walking home from the pool

i missed a day :( we went to a concert...el ten eleven at the casbah...didn't get home until 2 a.m...

Full day

lame post...trying to fulfill my daily posting...

this photo was from sea making body art (she was going to walk around the neighborhood and offer to draw with markers on people)...she is showing her book of things she can draw and story is showing of his "garbage truck" she made on his chest...

today i woke up early to do much of my friday cleaning. then i got grace (an early teen neighbor who the children adore from our neighborhood pool) to babysit while i attended an art corps informational brunch. really nice to hang out with other moms who share a love of art and involvement in their schools...drank too much coffee, admired the director's lovely home and landscaped yard and just soaked in relaxation...then manuel got off early and we spent the majority of the afternoon at the pool...temps in the high 80's and a little humid like east coast weather...but again, hung out in the shade and in the pool and relaxed with margaritas (made from fresh squeezed lemon juice and sugar water blended with ice instead of margarita mix...we really need to buy some citrus trees so this can become our usual)...intended to leave around 7 to attend a block party near our neighborhood (friends who live around the corner invited us) but sea was playing with several of her "students" from school in the pool until the pool shut down...headed over to my friend char's house (her daughter ruhi is one of sea's best friends and she will start kindergarten at sea's school this fall...sea and ruhi are only 3 months apart in age) where the block party had migrated (at least the kids had)...drank blood orange and organic white wine spritzers and ate healthy homemade food char had prepared much earlier and just sat in lawn chairs in their front yard and relaxed and talked while the children ran around, did gymnastics on the lawn, rode scooters, played imaginative games about building a water slide down her bank, etc. it was a nice day...very full...i'll have much to do to catch up with the usuals of life but a nice summer experience!

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

close up

network down

i lost (or rather broke myself) our internet connection tonight. negligence, rushing...whatever the exact reason it was sort of a metaphor for losing connection in other areas of myself as well. i'm making a pot of beans to cook overnight and going to bed...

motivation without coffee

i've been seriously lagging today...so much so i couldn't even summons up the energy to find a cool photo of myself with coffee...i try not to be addicted...go 3 and 4 days between to avoid caffeine headaches but i suppose even more importantly so it is a treat and/or WORKS when i need it to...i didn't even have the energy to make coffee today...so tired i'm off to bed...hope to supplement this idea tomorrow...