...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

dear blog, i miss you...

wow, i really am pushing nearly 2 weeks between posts...so busy, distracted, disconnected from you that i haven't even been keeping a running tally of what i'd like to post about or even photos i want to use...i didn't even search for the "best" ones for this post...just grabbed two i liked of our recent historical trolley ride around san diego.

this past weekend was the 5 year anniversary of losing my dad. a chapel was dedicated to him in the new social work department. with any extra energy, i'll post photos of the river of life stained glass windows with him walking with God in heaven...very remote concepts i'd love to feel on a more personal level. i was just thinking about my relationship with God last night as i was saying prayers before bed. how i'd like to allot more time to getting to know him and sharing more of myself with him. how i have so much to learn from my daughter in that area and how we could do this together.

i miss my dad now to a level i can't even write about. it is a deep, deep feeling in my soul i can't even reach. i feel like i need therapy for many things but this would definitely be one of them. i have a lot of guilt, shame, anxiety over not necessarily not being good enough (though this was a childhood theme) but of not feeling understood by my dad. like i always worked so hard to be who i thought he wanted me to be (and got pretty good at that) that i never fully shared with him who i was. i suppose one of the most important things for me is that integrity, to be who i am even if others are not ok with it. my dad was so important to me throughout my life that i felt i needed him more than i needed to be me. and now that he is gone i'm left with me and the realization he never fully got to know who that was. i believe he would have liked the real me, too, if he hadn't been so afraid. i'm afraid of living my life out of fear. how's that for a little irony! so i need to plunge in as if this is my only life. my only opportunity to be me and live each day to it's fullest.

instead of spending hours reflecting on meaningful things and idealizing what i want for my future or even reveling in the minutia of the moments i've been trying to be more productive with the day-t0-day tasks of life that get put to the back. never get done. right now i feel alright posting because the house is relatively clean and i'm not doing this at the expense of what needs to be done.

i'm getting ready to go lead sabbath school in tiny tots. a forest theme...my children will feed squirrels nuts, hop like bunnies, open turtle eggs...i want to spend a lot of time in nature this summer...looking forward to camping...

off topic again...so many related topics and so many unrelated. i'm not even untangling the two right now...just enjoying the journey of life. tomorrow i'm running in my second half marathon. the rock and roll marathon here in san diego. i have not trained. have a lot of sore muscles, joint pain, inflammation...excuses to not do well...so instead i'm going to eat well, get a good night's sleep, stretch well and do my best. that will be good enough and most importantly enjoy the ride...


  1. Terrific, enjoy the ride. Good for you being master of your life. Stay well.

  2. I felt like you were writing for me regarding your dad. My father passed away 4 years ago; I miss him and my life has twisted and turned since he left. It's funny how their opinion is so important even when they're gone. I enjoyed this blog and getting a chance to "know" you better. I acknowledge and appreciate your integrity and hard work. Have a wonderful summer!


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