mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

spring rambles

 grr...almost two months since i last wrote a blog entry and i had hoped to "blog more regularly"...life, family, drama, cross roads, various excuses but really i miss writing so much i need to make the time for it instead of hoping the rest will come together and there will be time left over. this top photo was taken at my friend kim's annual easter egg hunt/brunch. we have another photo taken in this same spot from two years ago and story's hair is only to his shoulders and, well, sea is about story's age. i try to slow them down but they get older and bigger faster than i can capture or appreciate their ages. i remember last year wanting to blog about sea getting ready to enter 1st grade...then our summer...entering second and now she is almost DONE with second and i haven't written any of these things down. i've still been taking photos and done a much better job experiencing the moment and slowing down my own thoughts (trying to be less self-absorbed/selfish) and just appreciating what is in the moment. i keep having these ideals or dreams of waking up early with the perfect cup of coffee and no one needing anything and just writing all the thoughts that keep spinning around or get tangled in my dreams.  but instead i sleep in or wake up too tired or wake up with too many things already on my plate and the writing ideal goes out the window.

so here we are on a saturday night. sea has a friend over and they are watching a movie. manuel is taking a nap. story is having his second sleep over at another friend's house. i fed the children homemade split pea soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and i'm enjoying a glass of red wine as i type. i had a bunch of ideas in my head yesterday or the day before and was trying to untangle them so i could write a cohesive blog post. i often feel, when i start typing after such a long hiatus, like i need to have something really important to say or well thought out or well put together. but if i'm going to be true to myself and my style of writing, i tend to ramble and hope the ideas eventually link together.

today i wrote an e-mail to a professor who was most influential to me in graduate school. i wished him happy birthday and told him a little bit about my current life and how i'm thinking about going back to teaching within the next year or so. specifically i shared with him how i'm at a cross roads of sorts...story, my youngest, will start kindergarten in the fall. i am holding off on submitting any applications until i know how he adjusts to school (he's never been in preschool) and i suppose equally as important in my hesitancy to go back to work is wanting to be as involved as room parent, in the classroom, teaching art, going on field trips, etc. part of me is excited about the opportunity to have more free time...i hope to use it gardening, exercising (or at least doing yoga), reading, blogging, making photo albums of the children, etc. though i really SHOULD use it finally cleaning out the garage, going through to accumulated "stuff" i no longer use or need, paperwork, etc....hopefully some combination of the two.

so i feel like i should really be maximizing this last time home alone with story. i'm not sure what that means or what he will most remember or appreciate about our time alone together. i also feel like i need to really listen to sea right now and connect with her while she still wants to connect with me. she is getting to an age where she is much more independent and analyzing things on deeper independent levels and doesn't "need" me as much. it is funny how i want us to be closer when she seems fine alone and i feel like i need space when she is more clingy and wants to snuggle in my lap. today she sat on my lap in church and she felt big and it was awkward and an uncomfortable angle but i immediately thought how i may not get many more of these spontaneous times together when she wants to sit in my lap so i squeezed her and smelled her hair while we sang hymns together.

today we went to our community pool. we go there pretty much any day manuel is home from work early enough and any weekend it isn't quite warm enough to go to the beach. the photo below was taken later in the day on easter after the brunch photo above:

i love this pool. it has an old feel to it (established 50 years ago and has some of the same equipment or feel of the 60's) and many of the members have had their membership passed down through family members; most member live in our neighborhood. so it has this feel like it has been around forever and always will be...very familiar and an integral part of our lives. also great exercise for the kids, wonderful sun for all of us, relaxing, etc.

today at the pool i decided i would finally put some books on book shelves in the app goodreads which is a cool social sight where you can see what other friends are reading and post what you have read, want to read, etc. i listed anne lamott (one of my all time favorite authors...she is funny and sincere and believable and likable and also happens to be both spiritual and very hippyish in her lifestyle/political beliefs which doesn't often coincide). then i listed billy coffey whose books i haven't read...my connection to him is i was commenting on a blog about some religious topic and i happened to read a comment by billy right above mine...i appreciated his perspective and the way he wrote his response so i clicked his name and started following him on his blog. i must have thought of him right after anne because they both write about religion (along with a lot of introspective/philosophical/humanistic observations on life in general). then i remembered one of my good friends, tanya, was also an author and i hadn't listed her books. as i was listing these, i looked up from my relaxing lounging position at the pool to see margaret dilloway, whose daughter is in my daughter's class at school. we worked together to create a basket of advanced reader copy books for the school's auction (i should say she did all the work getting the books from her publisher and friends and i just met her for coffee to talk about it!) anyway, it was weird to be listing authors i'd like to read and then see one looking down at me...so i listed her two books (i have bought one and keep meaning to make the time to read it). finally, i listed alfie kohn who has by far been the most influential writer on my parenting philosophy (he gave words to ideas i couldn't quite explain to others when i was intuitively dealing with my children and focused more on "big picture" outcomes than what was happening in the moment).

i'm really not feeling like writing right now...probably because i have a full hour and a half "free" and i usually feel most like writing at like 3 a.m. when i wake up with too many ideas in my head to sleep or something impractical like that. a friend on facebook once wrote how the difference between amateurs and professionals is the professionals don't need to have an inspirational moment to produce fine work (he was referring specifically to music) but i think that is true for writing, too...i don't HAVE to write anything meaningful or at a professional level at this point so when i no longer feel like it i can just stop.

i do feel guilty it has been too long since i last wrote and wish i had more in me...maybe after a hot bath and i put on some snuggly clothes...

thanks for allowing me to free associate...

happy 40+ birthday to me!

"i am ready to blog again...will edit this post later but wanted to get in a february 15th entry after more than 6 months...off to bed..." i wrote that last night right before going to bed...a quick commitment to blog again and i said "i'm ready" before i really was sure that i was...i've been wanting to write a post about this "in between" place that i've been...but i will save that for another day...for now, i just wanted a quick hello and update about the present...

i turned 41 yesterday. not a milestone birthday and it felt no different than any other except it was nearly 75 degrees outside and i'm always whining about rain on my birthday...and i was noticeably free of melancholy and drama...it felt nice to just appreciate what is. i even woke up with energy and ready to pick up my surroundings and appreciate a clean environment to start our day (normally i struggle with feeling these are chores that take away from something more important but on my birthday they somehow felt important and necessary and not that big of a deal). i enjoyed a kona coffee latte, did some yard work and enjoyed the feel of the soil in my fingers and sun on my back. we dog sat percy (a friend and neighbor's dog) and watched him chase and play with our dog kyra for awhile. then we spent an hour at the swap meet, watched a "space" IMAX and finished our day with a yummy thai meal that ended with this mango and sweet sticky rice dessert (sea had pulled our server aside and asked her to bring her mommy a surprise birthday dessert!)

i am just grateful for what is and hope i can return to writing soon.

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

end of summer beach day

we went to the beach today...a couple beaches in fact (huge swells, undercurrents, wind and excessive bacteria sent us packing to different dog beaches)...right now my children are watching curious ("monkey") george and eating spinach and cheese ravioli...our dog can't decide if she wants to be in there with them, outside, inside, chasing our cat...the cat is asleep on the desk by my computer...slacker is playing "favorite mashup station"...some trance/dance type number that has more energy than i do...manuel is already asleep...we are going to spend all day tomorrow at our community pool and then go to the ice cream social at sea's school tomorrow night to find out who her first grade teacher is.

i've had so much anxiety about letting go of my little kindergartener, summer ending, not knowing what is ahead of us...we should know a little more tomorrow...i wanted to write a lot more on that topic like my memories of her in kindergarten, expectations before school, memories from summer, etc. but i'm not feeling it right now. i haven't been feeling a lot of things lately...like an irritable, sleep-deprived, anxiety-filled low grade depression that seems more self-indulgent than anything else...so i want the focus to be on HER or at least appreciating the now instead of lamenting what i'm losing...

i changed my nablopomo badge to the month of september and the theme of "return" but i haven't committed to writing every day this month as i was WAY over it and it felt like a task halfway through...i want to enjoy and look forward to blogging when i have the time, something interesting to say...that may not be tonight :)

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

happy 39 and a half birthday to me!

this is my 1st grade photo...my daughter sea starts 1st grade in 3 weeks...today is my half birthday (yes, i do keep track and sometimes--personally--celebrate my halves!)...noteworthy to me for two reasons...i'm half the way through the last year in my 30's and i don't feel anything different. in a good way. i usually over-analyze where i'm at in life, what i've done (get nostalgic) or what i still hope to do...more specifically, who i hope to be...figuring myself out...not feeling good enough, often depressive on my birthday and/or half birthday. but today i was struck by how normal i felt. how i went about through a typical daily routine of things i needed to do and was less self-absorbed than usual...right now my daughter is having a "late up night" watching some adventure journey show with her dad and i feel i'm missing out...so, much more to say on this topic of myself and my birthday and ideals and goals and mommy journey but i'll save it for the early morning if i can get up before my family...

overwhelmed yet enjoying kyra...swap meet...

as much as i love taking photos and depicting a few moments in our life each day i really miss writing in this blog or even in a journal...story is whining he wants to "do huckle" which means watch richard scarry videos on the computer...he is eating chocolate (a little before finishing lunch) as a way to buy myself a little time...he got a new truck...hopefully i'll get a photo of this up tomorrow...

just came back from cleaning up two pee-pee accidents (spraying lots of vinegar/dish soap/hot water)...the up side is i have done a lot of spot cleaning on our hardwood floors...just getting my two children out of diapers and now i have this baby...knew this going in but not sure if i have the patience/energy at the moment...tea has been steeping and is now probably cold...put sound of music on for story...guilt over t.v. as a babysitter...

gorgeous sunny san diego day like the blue skies with puffy clouds in these photos taken several days ago...i want to go to the nursery and get seedlings and other items for my garden so i can make that a regular part of our daily routine but i obsess over what to plant/when, not having proper soil/amendments, afraid of rabbits eating everything and no fences, wanting to get worms for our compost, not weeding, etc. etc. excuses for doing nothing at all...


quick photo narration...here is sea with a bag packed to take to the elderly neighbor...hot cross buns my mom brought, random fennel and flowers she picked in the canyon, a card she made, banana for a snack, etc...
and sea's adoration/love/snuggles with kyra...


yesterday we went to what we term the "ramate" (kobey's swap meet)...so many opportunities for great photos escaped me with children trying to run show me things, kyra trying to jump off, etc...it was exhausting but fun...manuel usually finds one item he can make money selling on ebay to recoup our expenditures...
here is sea near the end of the day...as tired as the dog, as all of us...
i took several shots because she was laughing about something...


just as we were leaving a lady selling books told us each to choose one so she had less to pack to take home...story chose the "ginger man" (gingerbread man), manuel got david sedaris' "dress your family in corduroy and denim" (per her suggestion) and she turned to me and said, "here, you want a good book? read this" and handed me "the history of love" by nicole krauss. if i can ever get a few moments free i believe i will really enjoy this book. i'm a tragic romantic so like just the idea of it already. finally, sea grabbed hugo's "les miserables" most likely because it was the thickest book and she liked the idea of reading something grown up...

on our way home we picked up a couple books about weimaraners (i could really use some tips on raising ours) and then manuel read sea a little of twain's "tom sawyer"...she loved it of course. i've been longing for the time when we could all read together...sea is almost to the point where she can read little books to story if she has the interest/patience...

kyra is finally napping. story is happy watching his movie. i finally have time and my mind goes blank...i've had all these ideas in my head i wanted to blog about all morning...so weird how that happens...

guess i'll go be productive...oh, that reminds me...i miss "following" blogs but on the other hand it is kind of nice not to have any readers so i don't have the guilt of having a lame blog that isn't very interesting to read...

today a new student joined sea's kindergarten class and i passed out my "mommy" card...afraid for a moment they would check out my blog but realizing i can be entirely self-absorbed and that is unlikely...off to post some photos to the kindergarten site and send out some room mom updates...

happy "ubu" day every day

i love this photo from sea's first valentine's day at school...i made her a necklace with yarn and a heart with missing diamonds her auntie breezy gave her...she is holding a card for her teacher and 24 identical valentines she made. the title of this post is "ubu" which is pronounced "uhhhb ewe" and is how chewey (story) used to say "love you" so that is how we still say it to one another in our family...

i was feeling sorry for myself this morning with a giant red rudolph-inspired pimple in the center of my forward, disheveled hair, no shower, messy kitchen, table, house...too much on my to do list...but this photo cheered me up and changed my focus...

story is playing happily alone...i'm listening to classical music...breathing...sipping hot carob milk that is just a little too warm to drink...my mom is still sleeping...manuel's mom and brother and his fiance are headed down shortly for sea's talent show...her eye is healing well (she ran into a wall at the party sunday)...

i'm being way too indulgent writing anything at all right now but somehow it felt like what i needed to do to feel centered and start my day...off to check things off my list!

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...

in between but hanging on

yes my title is supposed to be both literal and figurative...this is really a "non-post" filler to keep up with my commitment to post daily in the month of november for nablopomo. i don't have much to say. i feel like i'm in between ideas. or have too many ideas i've left behind and not sure where to head next...i don't want to leave halloween behind but don't even know where to start to catch up with those photos...i also assisted teaching art in sea's class (art corps) and have lots of photos of the kindergarteners making monsters...

and then there was my summary of memories of my third grade year...definitely the first of many difficult school age years for me (i was pretty care free and naively happy before then)...but just writing that i feel like that was over THIRTY years ago and i'm so past that and holding on to the pain and what that meant and how that shaped me...so many more positive things have happened since then and that is really where i want to put my focus. so maybe part of the difficulty with that post was that i didn't want to go back there because i feel like i'm past there in a good way? of maybe because i go back and forth being depressed and self-absorbed in the present and am uncomfortable with that part of myself so i'd rather focus on the positives...but wasn't that the very complaint i had with my parents? that they didn't model for me how to "be" sad or angry or frustrated? and i want my daughter to feel comfortable feeling a full range of emotions and have a good model of how to deal with the sad and upsetting parts of her life...oh where to go...it feels ok to be confused and unsettled and even have a lack of balance and perspective. that's life, right? a journey...part of the reason i chose "mommy's journey" as the title of this blog was that it is specifically my journey and i'll always be moving and changing and growing and experiencing until i die but without the apostrophe it could also ready "mommies journey"...like many, many moms before me have been and will continue to be on their own journeys and we are in this together...we can learn from our moms and previous generations and learn from our own mistakes...

i feel so blessed that i was given the opportunity to be a mom to sea and story. i have a lifetime to experience so much more with them and know we will hang in there together...

MPT #5 3rd grade: the world doesn't revolve around me

here is my 3rd grade class photo...i'm the 5th person from the left on the top row...

oh man, my 'procrastination, wait until the last minute sabotage' style of doing things that are important to me is already shining through in my "late" details of third grade. i've been trying to figure out why i waited so long and didn't come through on this...i suppose it is because up until 3rd grade my life was pretty idyllic and sugar coated and i was an optimist who believed my world was perfect. nothing really that traumatic happened to me (and now i feel badly for those who did read my lack of post and commented their interest was piqued!) but as i thought back to the major theme from this year, this is when i first remember experiencing depression. and anxiety. and disappointment. and feeling left out. and that my dreams might not come true.

contrast this with my constant need for attention (and successfully achieving it) along with the belief that i was special and important and going to do something big in my life...my narcissism began early thus the idea "the world doesn't revolve around me" which i didn't believe, but it was my first taste that my life might not work out the way i'd dreamt or believed...allow me a little free associating and analysis here...i suppose it is symbolic and noteworthy that part of what i was taught growing up was the importance of APPEARANCE...in how i look outwardly but more importantly in my family, to appear happy as more important than actually experiencing happiness...that sounds harsh and of course that was never explicit but i just felt like sadness or anger were never acceptable emotions and from an early age i learned to pretend everything was alright and bottle my negative emotions...

...so to connect these dots, i suppose i don't even want to address these negative memories and feelings in this post even though that is the most vivid memory i have from this age...

i'm rambling around the idea i'm trying to get at...basically what i recall most distinctively from third grade was that i didn't like the teacher very well and she didn't like me and would single me and my friend cara out. cara's mom was much more confrontational than my parents (remember my family liked to pretend like everything was alright or avoided conflict whenever possible) and ended up pulling cara out of this class. so my memory wasn't even about not liking the teacher; it was the trauma of having my best friend and security moved to another class...i would watch her laughing and making new friends and felt very abandoned and rejected and like i had "lost" someone very dear to me...i was desperately looking for someone i could attach to, connect with, feel understood and loved and then i felt like i "got" this in 2nd grade and lost it the next year. this happened about the time my study in psychology shows depression might show up anyway, so i'm not making this causative per se...

hmm...i think maybe i should have labeled this post more about depression instead of about the world not revolving around me...i guess even though i had a younger sister born when i was 3, i managed to still get most of the attention anyway. my neighbors 5 years or so older than me really built me up to be so brilliant and have so much potential and i felt adored, loved, special to so many people before 3rd grade...i guess the loss of my friend cara was the first experience i had of not being able to control everything in my life. that i couldn't manipulate everyone into giving me my way or creating the life i imagined.

this was also the year i got a "C" in art ?! sorry, i'm still upset about that...i have always loved art and though i never thought i had a talent in it per se, it was such a blow to get only "satisfactory" instead of "excellent" or whatever i believed i should have gotten at that age. really i don't think art should ever be graded...fortunately i didn't let my love for art go because of this. i think i would have gone into an art field if i'd been encouraged, though...

it is late and i've lost my ideas...i'll try to finish this post tomorrow night and appreciate your patience if you are checking back!

**11/07 update: i still don't have the energy to write more about 3rd grade but did add a little present day perspective in today's post...i won't make any promises about finishing this but may be inspired the day i'm writing 4th grade! :) **

this is the 5th in a series recording my childhood through mommy's piggytales (MPT)
i'll be writing about 4th grade the end of next week so i need to finish these ideas up in the next few days! thanks for your patience as i deal with these psychological hang ups i obviously still haven't sufficiently worked out!

the long and winding road

three people i love (marc--one of my best friends and later obsessions in college; manuel my best friend after college and to this day...also my husband; and marc's wife, karri, one of my best friends forever....we are kindred spirits and i'm so happy she married marc so we could become friends!)

this morning i woke up with "the long and winding road" song in my head...in my dream i was literally riding on a long and winding road...manuel was driving us and marc was in the front seat...they were both looking at me in the rear-view mirror and and i was leaning forward from the back seat to talk to them...i wish i'd written down the dream as soon as i woke up because now i'm forgetting the details...but i remember the sense of contentment...important pieces of my life coming together in one moment...feeling understood and glad they understood one another...i believe the last part of our conversation i was telling them how they are both such talented writers they should compile their work and get it published...my dream before that had been an anxiety waiting tables dream at brava terrace where marc and i used to work together in college (manuel also worked there at one point but not at the same time as me)...like i was in the weeds with too many tables to keep track of (similar to parenting on many levels) but i eventually pulled through...i got a LOT of sleep last night...i started our bedtime routine just after 7 and was probably asleep by 8...i definitely needed it...

yesterday i felt like i was barely holding on...like i wanted to turn in my mommy card...only i realized i never got one to turn in! i felt so incompetent and like i couldn't pull it together. didn't have the patience to deal with even the small things like brushing my children's teeth. and i was so easily frustrated with both of them. usually i can balance that feeling out with all the endearing things my children do and say and are...but i couldn't focus on those important things too caught up in my head congestion, cramps, exhaustion, need to take time to myself...i was thinking if i had to rank the day on a 1-10 scale i would ask for a negative number! but then i realized how dramatic and self-absorbed i was being and decided not to focus on "poor me" but instead just go to bed and hope for a fresh start today! well, it worked. i woke up feeling "resolved" in some way on some fundamental level. i suppose i dreamt about manuel and marc riding along with me because they are two souls i care about who i felt also understood me at some point (manuel still does and marc and i haven't really stayed in touch) and yesterday i was needing some understanding!

off to be productive....halloween photos coming soon...what a difference a day makes! i need to remember this next time my life seems so unbearable...

free association on recording my childhood

i have taken on the ambitious endeavor of recording my childhood through mommyspiggytales.com...check out this link if you want to join in the next 24 hours or so! my leader is gretchen who has gone through this process before. here is a post about recording her mom's childhood this time around (her mom died suddenly last year). my dad died 4 years ago and it still seems so new...unfathomable...i would totally love to do the same thing for him next year.

this first photo is taken with my mom in our neighbor's pool when i was just a toddler (she can't swim and hates the water so it is really quite surprising)...i'll be relying on her for my first post in the series; (TOMORROW!) my birth story...i'm sure we'll both have a lot to learn about each other through this process...i'm going to check with gretchen on how to go about weaving a theme through my posts...i think there are definitely many i could brainstorm about...but first, as we blast to the past together (look behind) i thought a photo of me from behind would be appropriate...
the ideas i've been tossing around in my head that all are sort of inter-connected are:
--searching for me
--feeling misunderstood
--explaining myself
--finding me and moving my focus to others (my family)
--self-absorption
--being a child again through remembering
--allowing myself to play and be a child with my own children in the present
--mindful parenting/unconditional parenting...resolving this lack in my childhood and repairing it with my own children

before children i spent 7 years working on my master's thesis...the main themes i was exploring was the importance of integrity in self-concept, meaning in life and happiness...so i think if i was to summarize my goal for this recording of my childhood it would be something like:
"the quest for me: finding the balance between who i am, happiness, meaning and living outside of myself" although just reading that i am confused and i'm supposed to be the one presenting these ideas...that is why this is my brainstorm post, right?

did i mention that i always wanted to be a writer as a child/teen/adult but never felt i could be because i got too depressed or self-absorbed or sabotaged my efforts...too caught up in deadlines and lack of motivation and having too much to say and not wanting to cut anything out and rambling and believing my perspective was more important than the story i was telling?...i still have a lot of these same issues but i'm hoping to move outside of myself, look at this through my daughter and son's eyes as they hope to learn about their mommy...so i have a lot more to say...a lot more disclaimers and "forgive me for ___" which i then do anyway...i'm still self-absorbed but look forward to reading everyone else's stories and presenting my own with the emphasis on my children...here i am about to go off the high dive into the DEEP end...metaphorically speaking i'm ready for the plunge...thanks for joining me!

2nd day of kindergarten

this is actually a photo from the first day of school (after picking up sea) but i had SO many things flooding through my head (and about 100 photos to choose from...after school the first day, waiting for school the second and after school the second) that i just felt too overwhelmed to write about it. sea didn't have much to report either. but she seemed happy. this photo seems kind of distant to me and that is where i was at emotionally all day yesterday, so it is the one i'm choosing to "fill in" my lack of post yesterday. here is a list of things i COULD write about today, just after dropping sea off for day 3:

1) my depression from yesterday (and a long list of possible reasons why i felt worse the second day)
2) replacing self-absorption with something productive for myself or others
3) my long "to do" list that has been on hold since school started
4) how story is coping without his sister (he is playing very happily behind me...cutting out florescent construction paper pieces, putting them in his new "bug home" and singing "come into my HEART...Lord Jeeeesuuuusssss"...this is the song sea usually sings after prayer before bed...so adorable i must videotape it one of these days...)
5) all the things i never wrote about...like the planning, execution, after opinions and advice i would give about my 20 year high school reunion
6) recent blogs i've read that have inspired me or made me think about my values/priorities
7) my journal idea to document sea's kindergarten experience...one for her, one for me and one we write together...all rather empty right now
8) chronicling my own childhood through a blog project i signed up for that begins in october...join me! i'd love motivation and people doing it along with me!
9)

totally lost my train of thought stuffing myself with cereal and my "sipping" tea became guzzling as i rush to repair story's potty learning accident and pick up before we try out a new storytime in an hour...more later!