mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

reflections on art, research, mommyhood and individuals

it is 6:30 a.m. on a sunday. i should not be up. i did not want to be up. but we co-sleep and my children and dog and cat were all competing for who went where and i found myself unable to go back to sleep. maybe it is because i have a lot on my mind. have had a lot on my mind. things i'm working through and trying to figure out...about myself, my family, my place in my world. i don't think my blog concept is that unique and wish i had a better blog title but really "mommy's journey" pretty well describes what this blog is about. when i started thinking about blogging i was really conflicted about my role as a stay-at-home mom. i didn't know any role models, felt part of my identity was tied up to making a difference as a teacher and was worried i would miss the process of learning and keeping my mind engaged with adults at the college level. really i think one of the bigger issues (perhaps a life long issue for me) was balancing dependence and independence. i've always prided myself in being so independent and not "needing" others yet i am so social and enjoy people...on my depressive down days i wish i didn't push myself away and could allow myself more dependence...in fact, i didn't even see the value of dependence until i met my husband...and then again when i had children i was glad they wanted to be dependent on me more than i wanted to foster independence in them (which i think comes naturally when you feel secure)...

anyway, i digress...i really wanted to write about art...so i'll start with a photo from last year's art show at sea's school. i led the "famous artist" lesson and chose monet's sailboats for at least a few reasons 1) my dad loved sailboats and they remind me of him 2) monet was one of my favorite artists as a child 3) sea loves the water and i wanted to see her paint a sailboat

most of the children in her class went with the traditional blues/greens/turquoise with white accents for their primary colors but true to sea's individual nature (and love for the color) she went with an orange sky and an orange sailboat. i love this about her. she can trust herself and go with what she sees or imagines without following the masses (at least artistically!)

this next picture was taken at last year's family art night at sea's school. i have taken over the art corps coordinator position for the school so i will be in charge of this event next year...here is sea giving a "thumb's up" which also reminds me of my dad (he used to do this both to encourage us growing up and also to say "right on!" when he was happy like sea is doing here)...

i met with one of the co-founders of the art corps program (they are professional artists who come to sea's school and lead workshops to teach parents age appropriate art lessons that build on one another...they teach a concept about art and tie it into famous art work so the children are learning both and then get to try to concept on their own art once a month...the parents take the workshop and then teach the lesson in their child's classroom...i taught most of the kindergarten and 1st grade lessons in sea's class and loved it!). i'm really excited to be the face of this program on campus. it will be my job to  get families excited about art at the school...i will do this with a booth at the ice cream social before school, the 1st day of school, the first open house and then have an art corps orientation where people can learn more about art. then i need to be sure there are enough parent volunteers both to lead and assist all the lessons in all the classes...advertise and sign people up for two family art nights sponsored by the PTA, and organize matting of one piece of art per 500+ children in the school for the art show at the end of the year. this is a very parent involved school which is good in many senses but difficult when they have competing agendas for what is most important. i'm hoping to convince them art should be one of the top priorities at the school...one way i am hoping to go about this is to look up research showing how art helps children in school...both academically (they care about things like test scores and grades that are not high priorities to me) and psychologically and personally just how art enriches people's lives (more important to me).

i came from a very academic background growing up (there was a well known medical school, dental school, physical therapy, nursing, etc. in our community where many of the parents worked and these occupations were definitely encouraged over anything artistic). i've always loved art. even when i got a "c" in it in 3rd grade and decided i wasn't very "good" at art i still loved it. i remember taking some personality test in middle school where they asked what type of people you would most want to hang out with at a party and i always chose artistic types as my number one choice even though most of my friends were social people types (my 2nd choice) and i fancied myself a nerdy analytical thinking type (3rd choice).

it is hard to balance the contrasting sides of myself...i love the author anne lamott both because she is really funny and an awesome writer, but more importantly for me because i can relate with her feeling drawn to very liberal and out of the box things yet feeling God and spirituality are equally important (there aren't too many of my hippy type friends who embrace the importance of God in their life...most of them are atheists)...she writes a lot of autobiographical material i can also relate with on her own journeys as a mother...she has a attachment parenting style like mine that i can also relate with...

wow, this post is all over the place. i originally felt motivated by writing about art...yesterday i attended a baby shower for a mom of one of sea's "students"...we became friends last year...she was always really involved at the school and showing up with personalized artistic gifts and homemade cupcakes for various holidays throughout the year. on top of our personal connection of caring about our children and both being involved in the classroom, she is an accomplished artist. our children have the same birthday. i'm not sure how much astrology weighs into everything but they are both leos (july 23rd birthday) close to the watery sign of cancer so they have a strong willed side but are also artistic...

anyway, i met one of her friends who is also an accomplished artist and we were talking about the difficulties with being a mommy and balancing this with other things we are passionate about or just wanting to get away sometimes. i totally get that! i've been reflecting on that idea since i spoke with her. i think i have finally come to a place in my life where i can give up parts of myself to embrace other parts. and i don't feel like i have to give them up forever. my children are 4 and 7. my youngest only has one year left with me before he is off to school and i will have a lot more free time. i want to embrace these unscheduled days of playing with blocks, reading books, making "maps" (he just recently got into making his own art), riding bikes, running in the grass and chasing and/or trying to fly kites. i have a lot of analytical and "deeper" ideas inside of me but right now, at this place in my life, i need to embrace the simpler experiential "moments" of my life...

this rambling is bordering on incoherent so i will end this post shortly and head back to my mommy duties including cleaning out the car of all sandy beach gear, making breakfast, wrapping birthday presents and packing to head out of town to a cousin's party...

but i wanted to include the idea of research (this idea isn't as out of the blue as it sounds...i was reading about research on education on a homeschool group e-mail this morning in bed)...looking at who you influence...groups or individuals...i studied psychology in college and graduate school...pre-kids i loved research and wanted to read and conduct my own to try and "prove" or at least show the probabilities for various things. when i was a teacher i liked that i was influencing many people every semester and i imagined life on a more global scale and how i could influence groups of people. now that i am a stay-at-home mom, my life is much simpler and my world is much smaller. but this is a good thing. i am more concerned with how i influence my children and the impact on the individual (myself and my family) versus groups.

in a different time and place my focus may be elsewhere (though i doubt i will ever give up the importance of my influence on my children...and their influence on me)...but for now i am happy where i am, doing what i am on this mommy journey...

May day...

...and I may participate in nablopomo though this is all I can get down tonight...tomorrow I will update this post with what I MAY do...or at least I MAY do that :)

ok it is may 2nd...this post was begun on may 1st...on my cell phone, under the covers as my children were thinking about going to sleep but not even close (i often fall asleep before them)...there have been several changes in my life in the past few months but not enough to explain how little i have posted. i'm not ready to get back into writing even if it is to simply sign up for nablopomo and post a photo and brief thought every day...i'm not sure if it is because i just turned 40 or my children are past toddlerhood and more independent or my daily routines and ongoing projects have been changing or any other number of things but yesterday, on may day, as i reflected about what i MAY do i at least wanted to get that idea down even if i had nothing else to say.

i am fortunate to have talented writer friends...they inspire me to write and i enjoy reading their work and imagining writing my own stories someday. but not yet.

sea has been quite dependent recently...asking me "mommy, promise you'll come to ___" (snack, lunch, p.e., recess, spanish)..."i'll try...i'll see...maybe..." and then i usually don't come because i know she doesn't really NEED me and getting through the school day without me is better for both of us...but there is still a part of me who reads the san diego home education digests and thinks i would be much more passionate and creative and alive homeschooling...except when i remember the power struggles and sibling rivalry and intense, emotional, passionate beings that i both love and am exhausted by in regular interactions with sea and story together if we are trying to be productive...maybe for the middle school years.

i took sea to a lot more mommy and me classes when she was younger...spanish, music, art, swimming, etc. and though story is exposed to many of these things in our family adventures, i'd still like to do a class with him. so i signed up for one on thursdays this month. we really don't have the extra money to do this...so i'm going to try the class tomorrow morning and decide if it is worth it. a chance for story to socialize, move, do crafts, play outdoors, etc. things we do anyway but i'm often not motivated enough to do them all together or as often as i'd like...sometimes i really want to enroll him in a nearby reggio preschool...reasonably priced and many, many friends who went or are currently going there...but then i think i only have one year left with him before he is in a regular school routine and i am looking back over what i wish i'd done with our time together. constantly living in the "what if"...from the past...or the future...trying to appreciate TODAY knowing it shapes the future and will soon be PAST...

so i had some ideas about what i "may" do...today those got shot because i didn't drink any coffee and instead shuffled around in a fog (to match the uncharacteristic "may gray" weather we've been having here in san diego), unproductive, moping around for no reason, not even depressed but feeling sorry for myself and so, so tired (i know, you would think that is the perfect scenario to drink EXTRA coffee)...i did some routine grocery shopping at "monkey george" (trader joes) where story didn't even search for the monkey and subsequent treat because he had a meltdown when i wouldn't buy laffy taffy...we did end up with cinnamon rolls we came home and baked and over-ate but i didn't even enjoy those because i took them out of the oven too early and they were chewy like raw dough not like soft chewy chocolate chip cookies and when i reheated them they got crunchy...i was looking for soft and flaky...

been thinking about the idea of altered states...i never like to take any substances that alter my consciousness too much to the point of losing control yet i haven't been happy with my current "state" so a little caffeine or a glass of red wine have been fitting themselves in more often...(i just went and poured myself a half a glass of wine as i continue typing)

so back to what i "may" do since that is the idea i was going to fill in...i guess i should start simple, like i "may" get back into writing...but not daily...and not to follow other blogs or to write anything for others or even to get others' feedback...just daily stuff about my mommyhood journey and the lives of my children and husband and how our lives are interweaved...

trying to end on some note about something but it isn't there...just glad i'm not napping and i am writing even if the whys and whats aren't quite there...

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

between

last night i decided to commit to posting every day in the month of october on nablopomo. i figure this will be good practice for november, the official national blog posting month and also get me to post something more often. the theme for october is "between"...i knew i wanted a photo of myself between my children and came across this one scrolling rapidly through my 101,655 on my hard drive...story is trying to get me to read him a "martha speaks" book from the library while he sits on my lap so more later...

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

MPT #5 3rd grade: the world doesn't revolve around me

here is my 3rd grade class photo...i'm the 5th person from the left on the top row...

oh man, my 'procrastination, wait until the last minute sabotage' style of doing things that are important to me is already shining through in my "late" details of third grade. i've been trying to figure out why i waited so long and didn't come through on this...i suppose it is because up until 3rd grade my life was pretty idyllic and sugar coated and i was an optimist who believed my world was perfect. nothing really that traumatic happened to me (and now i feel badly for those who did read my lack of post and commented their interest was piqued!) but as i thought back to the major theme from this year, this is when i first remember experiencing depression. and anxiety. and disappointment. and feeling left out. and that my dreams might not come true.

contrast this with my constant need for attention (and successfully achieving it) along with the belief that i was special and important and going to do something big in my life...my narcissism began early thus the idea "the world doesn't revolve around me" which i didn't believe, but it was my first taste that my life might not work out the way i'd dreamt or believed...allow me a little free associating and analysis here...i suppose it is symbolic and noteworthy that part of what i was taught growing up was the importance of APPEARANCE...in how i look outwardly but more importantly in my family, to appear happy as more important than actually experiencing happiness...that sounds harsh and of course that was never explicit but i just felt like sadness or anger were never acceptable emotions and from an early age i learned to pretend everything was alright and bottle my negative emotions...

...so to connect these dots, i suppose i don't even want to address these negative memories and feelings in this post even though that is the most vivid memory i have from this age...

i'm rambling around the idea i'm trying to get at...basically what i recall most distinctively from third grade was that i didn't like the teacher very well and she didn't like me and would single me and my friend cara out. cara's mom was much more confrontational than my parents (remember my family liked to pretend like everything was alright or avoided conflict whenever possible) and ended up pulling cara out of this class. so my memory wasn't even about not liking the teacher; it was the trauma of having my best friend and security moved to another class...i would watch her laughing and making new friends and felt very abandoned and rejected and like i had "lost" someone very dear to me...i was desperately looking for someone i could attach to, connect with, feel understood and loved and then i felt like i "got" this in 2nd grade and lost it the next year. this happened about the time my study in psychology shows depression might show up anyway, so i'm not making this causative per se...

hmm...i think maybe i should have labeled this post more about depression instead of about the world not revolving around me...i guess even though i had a younger sister born when i was 3, i managed to still get most of the attention anyway. my neighbors 5 years or so older than me really built me up to be so brilliant and have so much potential and i felt adored, loved, special to so many people before 3rd grade...i guess the loss of my friend cara was the first experience i had of not being able to control everything in my life. that i couldn't manipulate everyone into giving me my way or creating the life i imagined.

this was also the year i got a "C" in art ?! sorry, i'm still upset about that...i have always loved art and though i never thought i had a talent in it per se, it was such a blow to get only "satisfactory" instead of "excellent" or whatever i believed i should have gotten at that age. really i don't think art should ever be graded...fortunately i didn't let my love for art go because of this. i think i would have gone into an art field if i'd been encouraged, though...

it is late and i've lost my ideas...i'll try to finish this post tomorrow night and appreciate your patience if you are checking back!

**11/07 update: i still don't have the energy to write more about 3rd grade but did add a little present day perspective in today's post...i won't make any promises about finishing this but may be inspired the day i'm writing 4th grade! :) **

this is the 5th in a series recording my childhood through mommy's piggytales (MPT)
i'll be writing about 4th grade the end of next week so i need to finish these ideas up in the next few days! thanks for your patience as i deal with these psychological hang ups i obviously still haven't sufficiently worked out!

MPT #3 1st grade: embracing independence

ahh...procrastination...can be my motivator but when i have two children having meltdowns and not napping, i really need to take on this blast to the past project several days before it is "due"...here is my 1st grade school picture...again, naturally stick straight hair curled to my mother's liking, she sewed my raggedy ann dress...here is my daughter's kindergarten school photo from this year:
i came across many more preschool photos when visiting my mom's house so forgive my indulgence as i throw in a few more memories from those years (kind of cheating or evidence of my lack of organization/planning)...this photo was taken when i was a flower girl in a cousin's wedding. apparently i was being very difficult the day of so someone offered me a very large gumball if i'd cooperate and go down the aisle...i guess i then blew huge gum bubbles the whole way (though i do appear to be concentrating on my flower dropping task in the photo)...
here is the advertisement i mentioned in the last MPT "mommy's pigtails" post
i know this photo of my hands and feet is taking us even pre-preschool, but i included them because i've always had really LONG skinny feet...they've had lots of nicknames over the years and i've been self-conscious of them but finally i've reached a point where that is the size foot a 6 foot tall person should have even if it is hard to find a woman's size 11 shoe in normal styles...
here is another photo of my mom's dad with myself (left) and my sister (right)...
here is one of me, my mom's mom, my mom and my sister...i like the smirk on both of the adults' faces...
and one more of me cuddling up to my mom...i find this photo noteworthy because i became so independent soon after this age...
this was my sister's 3rd birthday (i was 6)...i can see my missing front tooth which was prominent in several other photos from this age...
here i am with my siamese cat "piewackit" my mom got the name from some movie and i have no idea how to spell it...i always thought it was weird...
here are some of our play chairs made into a bed...i believe my grandma made the bed cover...bright green shag carpet...lots of 70's going on here...
my sister and i liked to build and create together in these pre-school years...
here is the swingset in our backyard...me hugging my sister at the top...i believe these were children from the preschool she had in her home...
and here are yet more children from said preschool...i'm the 5th one and my sister is to my left...
here is a jungle gym of sorts in our side yard...
sometimes my sister and i would sleep together...
we also went peach picking as a family once a year and then canned and froze them...
i think i'm only a year or so old in this photo but i included it so you could see our classic orange station wagon...the back window even rolled down and you could ride backwards in the way back...
we also went on an annual quest for wild flowers...here i am with my dad (with his redskins hat) and sister in a field of wild poppies (california's state flower if you didn't know)...
i remember the year before i started school we took a trip to yosemite...once i get the children to sleep i'll include a couple stories from that trip...
and since halloween is almost here i thought i'd include this photo...also stories from trick-or-treating if i have time...
this is a photo of my daughter sea with her special little tiger "goggin"...i noticed in the next photo i was holding a white tiger for a photo, too, though i don't remember playing with it...
my mom really worked with the curling iron and feathering for these shots...also noteworthy are all the missing teeth and permanent top teeth coming in...
this photo of my daughter was taken last month when she lost her first tooth...she had just turned 5 so we both lost teeth early...
i always slept in crazy positions....here are those sponge rollers i was telling you about...
and finally, the end result of said rollers for my curly hair for my first day of 1st grade...

so i have a lot to write about...as if i didn't already have too many photos...but i don't have a very good organization...i mentioned during my preschool years post that i didn't attend kindergarten so this was my first year in school...i honestly don't remember the first day that well but it is because i more or less walked out of my parent's home and never looked back (figuratively and literally)...i embraced independence as i chose for the theme for this year...ready to be on my own...i may have actually been TOO independent at this age which is a theme that will run through later posts...

i attended a 12 year christian private school (all 12 years i might add) and just recently co-chaired the reunion planning committee for our 20 year high school reunion (more on that in later posts)...my teacher was mrs. krominga (no idea how to spell her name...it sounded a little bit like captain kangaroo, a show i liked from about that era...there were about 30 students in my class and there were 2 other first grade classes...the school was about 5 minutes from our home and my dad usually drove us to school. he worked right down the street at the university...this school was very influenced by both the predominant religion of the little community and the medical center/dental school/professional and those ideas will run through later posts as well...for now, my early memories of first grade include LOVING gymnastics (which i was in most of the time i was in school despite my height and awkwardness), being very social/verbal/competitive in school "i know the answer!" sort of obnoxious student...i remember competing with a boy i had a crush on...more on him in my 2nd grade post...

i remember this year as being quite carefree...i enjoyed school, extracurricular activities, friends, my place in the world and embraced my independence...

adjustments

i had such a long post planned for last night...yesterday was story's first "mommy-and-me" waldorf preschool class (details but no photos to follow) and sea's first after school drumming class with her old co-op friends (a few photos before my camera battery gave out) followed by our first back to school open house of sorts where we met with sea's teacher and learned what is going on in her classroom and her adjustment...i feel so depressed and slow moving and doubting everything we have been doing and deciding and experiencing (i should add i'm part way through a book i've been milling over in my mind for a LONG time and needing to read and am finally beginning in hopes of finding practical solutions...the book is called unconditional parenting by alfie kohn and it totally makes philosophical sense to me and with my attachment parenting style and striving for integrity and love-based decision making but it is so HARD and i could write several posts just on my childhood and sense of self and independence/dependence etc.) but like i've been telling those who ask (or those whose advice i seek on these adjustments), if anyone else had told me about the adjustments sea is going through i would say "oh those sound normal" even though they are SO hard to experience with your own child...

so more on all that later...for now i just wanted to add that i enthusiastically raised my hand, waived it around and more or less shouted "pick me! want me! choose me!" from the front row of the parent meeting and i am now the official room parent...will find out what that entails in the next few days. i really enjoyed planning my 20 year high school reunion and i figure this will be similar in some ways delegating tasks and coordinating different needs and agendas while at the same time being more hands-on and involved in sea's classroom.

i'm exhausted and it is a ridiculous hour so i'm going back to bed. looking forward to the challenges but hoping sea's emotional adjustments get easier for us both.

independence vs dependence

i almost wrote my masters thesis on this topic so i could write an entire article on my analysis, observations, experience, etc...so be forewarned there will be a lot of free association with this topic...

i chose this topic this morning because sea was up at 5 hungry...asking for all sorts of different foods and finally after nursing was not enough for her to go back to sleep i gave in and made her some food...usually (based on my experience with this hunger/growth spurt in the middle of the night) she will go back to sleep after she has eaten but today she was "up" and ready to play...so i told manuel once he got up we were going to trade off and i was going back to bed...anyway, i wasn't sure what to do with myself so early in the morning since i am NOT a morning person and very foggy...as i type this i realize i want some tea...something hot when it is cold out and a little caffeine to perk me up...i'm going to try my new chocolate yerba matte (green tea yerba matte lattes are my all time favorite hot drink)...so i'll be right back...

the water is boiling...anyway, so once i was trying to figure out what to do with myself, i noticed that sea had already taken matters in to her own hands and was busy stacking blocks, having her farm animals gather around the hay and then go into their stalls, then reading a book (opening and closing a pop up door) and pulling more blocks around on a little car...all this creativity and exploration in just a couple of minutes and without prompting or caring if i was involved or not...i felt so happy that she could be so content by herself...independent...and thought back to how i struggled when she was so dependent and needed me to play with her...at the same moment i was contrasting these two, i realized a third idea which is that i have always been so independent and worried about people depending on me or not allowing myself to depend on others and really i don't want that to be an issue for sea either...i'd like her to feel comfortable with both and especially with a new baby coming any day i would also love to embrace the dependence...appreciate that i am needed...realize there are many of older years ahead when both children will not "need" me or want me involved and i will miss the chances of dependence...

well sea is now using her exploration skills to find herself a snack in a cupboard i thought i had secured from her...i guess this growth spurt is reaching new heights when she is ready for her second meal by 7 something...

i have a lot more to share on the topic of independence vs dependence so check back...(this may be MUCH later...no promises...)