halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

day 108 blog 98 last day of nablopomo...xmas prep

this photo is in the running for our 2009 xmas card...only problem is it was taken january of this year so technically we need to take a current photo for this xmas...so i'm thinking of doing this photo, one of the two children together in the middle and then one photo of our family from THIS xmas as the third photo for this year's card...will take a photo of the final product...but for now i have a long list of things to do...like finish the last of 30 posts in 30 days (i started nov 2nd so even though i have posted 30 posts in 29 days i don't think i qualify for the prizes?)...i'm talking about nablopomo (national blog posting month)...i'm going to join the blogroll for next month, too...just found out today, the last day of my november blogging that there even was a blog roll and i was never on it...i need to take a course in these blogging things...i did join three groups on the site: 1) comment for a comment 2) mommy bloggers and 3) the meaning of life...from this i determined:

1) i need to seek out bloggers with similar interests/values/focus as myself...i had trouble relating with many people on the first group although i am going to give it one more shot tonight after i finish this post as i really like the concept of getting yourself out there and getting more feedback and giving feedback to others asking for it at the same time...to be honest i only browsed through a few of the 38 members so i'm hopeful i'll find more to relate with tonight

2) never even checked out the mommy bloggers...i have many friends and fellow bloggers who meet this criteria so if i'm looking for mommy bloggers to follow i'll follow comments i like on other mommies blogs...that is one thing i have learned from being a mom...there are a LOT of different styles of parenting out there and i need to seek out people more like myself to stay centered and feel understood

3) i really like the last group, dedicated to writing about meaning...i'm actually quite obsessed with the topic...i wrote my master's thesis on meaning in life, happiness (daily subjective well-being and life satisfaction for those of you studying these things in psychology) and self-concept...my theory was that people who have integrity or consistency between what they value, who they believe themselves to be and how they live their life would be happier and find their lives more meaningful...i can tell you more about my findings and how i have changed this somewhat and the balance between figuring life out and living it...but hey, isn't that what many of us who blog often struggle with all the time? so back on point, i found a couple bloggers who often write posts on meaning and was grateful for this group...lindsey, when i'm caught up i still owe you a review or post on what i appreciated reading back a ways on your blog...

in the meantime i can barely make my own to-do lists and stay on top of daily life...i'll get to writing meaningful posts perhaps during this next month's challenge on giving something to someone every day? i think that will be a good way to get outside of myself, be less absorbed, appreciate other people's perspective...

i'm going to visit the comment for a comment group and post that i'll be participating in nablopomo for the month of december...maybe i'll even catch up with my goal of blogging every day for the rest of the year (10 extra posts)...i have a lot of photos from back months...

for now i need to get working on my handmade xmas cards for the swap...today i bought xmas letter head for the personalized letter i will write each of the 10 people from around the world (may post a letter as a blog post as some of the info is interesting)...printed out photos of our family from last xmas along with our traditions (oh, more for another post), photos of us at the beach, bought san diego postcards so the families can see what the area we live in looks like...of course i also wanted to send each of them candy and stickers and whatever else for a care package but i'm already taking on too much to even get these 10 mailed tomorrow...i'll take a photo of the finished product but basically i'm going to make the cards and sea is going to color them, put stickers on and write "happy xmas" inside along with a heart and her name...i also had address labels made with characters of our family from expressionary (you still have time to order them...they send them out like the day after you order them...click on "paper people" to see the way to personalize the characters for your family)...and i've addressed the envelopes and bought xmas stamps...i still feel overwhelmed to finish and get these in the mail tomorrow so more later...

day 16 blog 17 flower child

i swear i have so much on my mind right now i can't decide what to write about...so this will truly be a "free association" if ever my writing style embodies that idea (check out my labels and i'm pretty sure i put that for most of my posts)...mainly i'm just really tired. should be in bed. but when my mind is racing and i want to be writing (or recently, blogging) i can't slow down my mind to sleep so i just get anxious or feel like i need to make lists of the ideas or things i should or want to do...

i'm rambling more than usual...feel like i drank too much caffeine only i actually had none today...am even trying to cut back on sugar...so one topic i hope to blog about soon is my health...i've started exercising (which is HUGE for me...never been a consistent or big part of my life). regularly. aerobically. so i feel something. and in the two weeks i've been doing this i've felt better. physically. emotionally. maybe even less tired. but that is a stretch. my first health intervention should be to get more sleep. next would be nutrition. overall i eat well but there are several food items i could really cut out. most of them are sugary.

oh yeah, the photo and blog title are "flower child"...that is where my free association began...i was raised in a conservative (religious and political) community with a lot of emphasis on appearances, material possessions, money, "success" etc. and i always felt misunderstood and like i didn't fit in. then in college one of my psychology professors made an off hand remark like "you really are a lost flower child at heart" and some time after that i started "finding" myself...making friends with more "hippy" types...i could do another blog on what i mean by that...my husband immediately thinks of drugs, but that isn't what i mean...heck, one of my friends (also one of my favorite blogs that i follow) has a blog called wannabehippie...i'll do a post on her one of these days...

but for now i wanted to go back to the flower child idea. free spirit. not caring what people think. living for higher ideals. searching for meaning. making a difference in the world. living with less. relishing in simple pleasures. getting in touch with the earth. going outside a lot (my exercising, by the way, has been taking long brisk walks, deep breathing and spurts of aerobic "jogging"). sun on my face. going to the beach (tomorrow will be the third day in the row...and i mean we have been going ALL day)...heck, we named our daughter "sea" and our son "story"...i have so many stories to tell of our life by the sea...i could have made my blog title something related to those two concepts only i started this blog before story was born. if we had had another girl we were going to name her elivia with the nickname "live"...not "liv" but the idea of living...

so i'm a flower child at heart. my daughter appears to be, too...i think we kinda look like one another in this photo. i can relate with her on a lot and am afraid to relate with her too much. afraid to project my hopes and create her in a way that doesn't allow her to truly be who she is. because i felt like the community i grew up in didn't allow me to be myself. didn't understand me. didn't encourage me to be different.

so my identity development and psychology background and over-analysis of life and my thesis on self-concept, meaning in life, integrity, happiness, life satisfaction, etc. are all topics for a future post...

for now i just want to "be" in more moments with my family...literally pick daisies together and metaphorically skip through tulips (or literally if you have some...)...because my children are growing up so fast...

day 1 blog 1 blogging challenge

blogging makes me feel alive...chronicling my life generally...a live and more active combination of a daily journal (which i've kept since 3rd grade...regularly since junior high) and family photo albums...except when i haven't blogged in a long time and then i feel guilty, sad, a sense of loss, missed opportunities; like the memories somehow aren't there anymore...

i began this blogging journey back in the day with a post about "blank pages"...explaining how ever since i started keeping a journal i would leave space to fill in missed information or go back to ideas i wanted to elaborate on...more often than not there is more blank space in my journals than writing...in this instance i feel like i should have an entire blank journal to fill in all that i've missed blogging about in the past few months...

so i'm challenging myself to blog every day until...well, no untils...possibly until the end of the year? in fact i'm thinking of making this a challenge to all my blogging friends (or friends who just started blogging) to see how far each of us can go with it...but i want it to be more like a contest with the prize being all participants will post an entry about the winner? so that way we will be motivated to get more readers?

so i will start each blog from now on with the day and the blog # (i'm hoping to do more than 1 blog a day sometimes) and as long as there are more blog numbers than days i will consider myself caught up with the blog a day challenge...i'm hoping to invite other blogging friends to join this challenge and will figure out if there will be a prize or just the satisfaction of regular blogging will be prize enough? i do want to blog about blogging advice i've received (and i'm open to hearing your comments on how to improve my blog or my blogging experience)...and about redefining my identity (an ongoing issue for me)...and maybe even catch friends up on my life (hawaii, sea's birthday, days at the beach, coop preschool...are the big ones that come to mind)...and maybe a blog about why i blog at all? i don't make money doing it...i'm not trying to promote anything...much to think about...

this photo doesn't have too much to do with this "first" blog in the series...but this blog is about my journey as a mommy so an endearing family photo (appropriately a little blurry) taken at the end of a very long day at the beach for sea's 4th birthday seems like as good as any to jumpstart what i hope will be a fun journey to keep up on writing...hopefully it will make for enjoyable reading, too...i look forward to pairing this commitment to blogging regularly with keeping up on your blogs, learning from your journeys and sharing the experiences with one another...

25 not so random things

i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "the xmas photo that never got sent" and then wrote my own version of "25 random things" about myself...only i was very hormonal and 0verly emotional and dramatic and obsessive and depressive and all the things i hoped i wouldn't be when i wrote them...but a lot of them are blog-worthy so comment away if you want to hear more about any of these...here they are:

1. i feel desperate to begin with qualifiers to everything else i will list and could easily make this all about what it is not
2. i still have way too many issues with commitment, giving up choices, options, fear of loss...
3. i was fundamentally hurt by the loss of my dad in ways i could have never imagined
4. committing to spend the rest of my life with manuel was the best decision i ever made
5. it is all i can do to not make this list about him, my children, my family and friends
6. i'm much better at getting people to talk about themselves than i am at talking about myself...this paradox continues in many other areas that i will most likely hit later but while i'm on this topic, it is a little ironic to me that i will drop anything going on in my life to help a friend in need but feel desperate and crazy at the thought of asking for help myself even if it is a very small request...back to fear of rejection or pride or hating to feel out of control...
7. despite this giving side to myself (or maybe in part because of it) i am way too self-absorbed and can make way too much about me...looking at the picture from inside the frame instead of seeing what is outside of myself or the bigger picture...
8. a few years ago i could have never written this list; made myself so vulnerable, committed to so few items (oh wait, i still can't commit to only 25...see # 25), completed this task, and/or self-initiated embarking on creating this list...although i still don't think i've "found" myself or completely know who i am or feel completely secure with who i am, after writing my thesis on the importance of integrity and consistency between who you believe you are and what brings you meaning and happiness to your life, well, let's just say i can at least list 25 random things about myself without freaking out they aren't the best things or most representative things...oh wait, i am still freaking out...but at least i'm listing things anyway...
9. my obsessive tendencies have hurt me and many people i care about so i struggle to not let them overtake me
10. writing is both my savior and can cycle me into more self-absorption and depression...related to this, i have kept a journal regularly since i was 8 years old! in fact, i love writing so much that i have a very distinct visual memory of a writing assignment in one of the early elementary grades...it was on the big lined paper with dashes in between when kids were just learning handwriting and we were supposed to write a short story that the teacher then laminated and hung on the wall for all the parents and other students to view during a class open house...most people wrote a story on one sheet but mine was maybe like 10 pages linked together and so long it curled up at the end on the floor so you had to straighten it out to read the whole thing...that problem of writing too much still seems to carry on today...but it is very therapeutic for to ramble and free associate so thanks for allowing me this luxury!
11. i've found blogging to be a healthy outlet for my creativity, obsessions, fears, dreams...it allows me to share meaning in the mundane and fleeting moments of everyday life and combines my love of writing with my love of photos...did i mention i currently have 46788 photos in iphoto?
12. i really miss reading...this is one passion i gave up with small children but still thoroughly enjoy reading to them and hope their love of reading will allow me to return to my own reading when we can all someday read together...i did join a book club with other mommies so maybe this year i can at least read a book a month and make it to some meetings...
13. i love art and music and never thought i had talent in either but in the past few years i've even expanded my view to believe i am creative/expressive in odd ways i wouldn't have seen before
14. my daughter is very talented musically (she can sing full songs with perfect pitch)...i'm thinking maybe i can fulfill one of my dreams and be a back-up singer (wait, this is one more random thing i can add here...as much as i love attention and most would guess that i would want to be the lead singer, i actually prefer to sing the harmony) in a band with her someday...i'd also love to learn to play the guitar...
15. i always believe less is more, strive for simplicity in my life but when it comes to writing (and often talking) i can't help but ramble on and free associate
16. i spent too much of my life believing i cared more about (or at least put more effort into) many of my friendships but over the years most of my friends have proved me wrong and i feel incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful support network
17. i believe i will someday publish a work of non-fiction...possibly a memoir/biography of words i'd say to my closest friends at their funeral...only before they die...memories, how they've touched my life, how much they mean to me, etc....ideally they would write something similar about each other so we could all learn how much me mean to one another before we are gone...oh to find the time for this one!
18. i have voyeuristic/exhibitionisti

c tendencies...our house is pretty much a fish bowl right now with no curtains, lots of windows and on a main street with many neighbors walking by frequently and i find that i love watching their lives, having them watch mine...also like to visit people's homes and learn what they like to eat, how they spend their time, what they put up on their walls, read, etc...you can imagine i am loving this 25 random things everyone is doing!
19. in junior high i took a personality test and learned i was melancholy/sanguine...most would think the sanguine would come first and it is true that i am very social, love people, love being the center of attention, etc. but really my intensity, passion, creativity is an even stronger force...my cousin chloe is the same and was explaining how these somewhat opposite types work together...it does help me understand some of the many paradoxes in my life...but i'll save those for later...i think i will add here that i view myself as quite emotional and sensitive but most people view me as carefree and laid back...i could do a whole blog on that topic...
20. most of my closest friends know all these things about me...i'm feeling compelled to be more creative or at least more random...see, i'm letting more qualifiers in...so this is feeling more like a "who am i?" exercise instead of the creative, interesting, reading i'd hoped it would be...at least it is fairly vulnerable and raw which i enjoy reading in other people's writings...
21. i love food...especially eating it but also cooking, nutrition, trying new things, learning about different cultures...eating out....having people over to eat...participating in potlucks...
22. someday when my children are out of the nest i'd love be a photojournalist and travel the world with manuel...we are both passionate about traveling...we would uproot our family and live across the world but we are both close with our extended families so that idea is on hold for now...
23. still struggling to get "random"...i like to do the unexpected...be different... i've spent a large portion of my life feeling misunderstood and torn over whether i like that or wish more people could relate with me...through the years i've really learned the value of consistency and predictability...again, a whole blog topic in and of itself...
24. to cycle this list back around to others while still being about me; if you've been tagged you can opt to write 25 random things about me instead since mine haven't been too random...tag me and ask me to do the same for you as i'm sure i'd do a better job than writing about myself...
25. i have to do 25 more...my perfectionistic tendencies are kicking in and i have too much more to say...so keep your eyes open for items 26 through 50 in the next few days...i promise these will be more random...

thanks for reading and hopefully participating! love, denise

ok...that was one of the easiest ways to get back in to blogging yet...sorry for the re-post for some of you but i'd love your feedback and to read yours...

walls

so it is almost 4 a.m. and i'm up...babies went to bed around midnight (too much excitement here at mimi's house with my mom and sister) so they were both squirming around but are probably going to stay asleep for a bit so i can free associate...i found this photo in my sister's batch. it was taken in my mom's side yard by her olive tree with a "wall" in the background but i am free associating so i get to stretch it's applicability to this post...we have an established olive tree in our back yard that somehow connects my past, living here as a child, to the present, with my daughter happily enjoying the freedom of swinging without worrying about the things that keep me up at night...let's hope i don't pass too much of my anxieties on to her or that she can avoid these worries for many, many carefree years...

my idea for a post on walls came with my decision to allow people to post on my "wall" on facebook. many of you readers are my friends there (if not, ask to be so!) so you will have your own experiences with this topic that may or may not be a complete sign of how self-absorbed i can really be...anyway, i didn't have a wall for over a year of being on there...i told most people this was because i was worried what my students might read (or post) and how it could affect my job but really that was a pretty small concern. i suppose my biggest hesitation all this time has been a lack of self-integration...not so much fear of what the many different people in my life will think of all the different aspects of me that come together on this site, but a lack of understanding of all these aspects myself. like i need some coherent, complete, organized self-concept before i can bring all these elements together on a "wall"...i still don't have that, by the way, which i hope is normal. or maybe i'm not so worried about being "normal" or even glad i'm not (ok, narcissistic views will weave themselves through here, too)...i just want to feel more integrity in my life...that what i value, find meaning in and live is consistent with who i view myself to be...ahhh, back to my thesis

which is not my intent in this post at all...the fact that it took me 7 years to complete should be an indicator that i was fairly preoccupied with the idea...

and i still don't have enough resolution but i suppose i'm posting on this topic to have more courage in this area...to be ok with who i am even if it isn't as integrated as i'd like. to make more mistakes, allow myself to fail, less control, less understanding, and more living...

experience life and be "in" it on a daily basis instead of trying to figure it out, analyze it, record it, remember it...

i'm in the process of planting a garden and hope to spend a good hour there each morning...soaking in the sunshine, feeling the fruits of my labor and sharing this time and experience with my children...

story just woke up and i nursed him back to sleep but he is still not settled so all my free associations on this topic will have to wait...more later on whether i will build walls around my garden (to keep out unknown pests) or put up a wall on the edge of our yard to keep the children in...both of these ideas seem symbolic of larger issues in my life...so i suppose it is good that i don't have the time to reflect on the "walls" i've built for myself over the years to keep people out, protect my heart, avoid being hurt, etc. as they didn't work very well anyway and i'm losing the spirit of this post which is supposed to be about living in the present and taking down my walls (even though the impetus of this post was putting UP my facebook wall!)...

so one noteworthy thing to me was that very few people even noticed i didn't have a facebook wall...or found other ways to contact me, comment on me, etc...i'll be curious to see if this will allow people more access to me or just be more of a mental "letting go" of some of my hang ups? either way...post away here or on my wall...

maybe by story's first birthday next month i'll have the courage to post in my "info" section...descriptions of myself, what i like, quotes, etc. without worrying they aren't good enough, reflective enough, leave out too much, lack integrity, etc. issues that have prevented me from doing that before now...

i've noticed as of late i like to conclude posts with either a summary or something to think about in leaving the post...this particular topic doesn't seem to lend itself to either; probably because i still don't have the resolution that i'm looking for...

so i'll look forward to that garden and living more and welcome your posts on my wall...