...random experiences, observations and thoughts of my daily life as mommy...past journeys and dreams of journeys yet to be taken creating my life story as i go...


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

2011 snapshot in photos

today is the last day of NABLOPOMO...i made it...posting this last post less than 20 minutes before midnight. i'm too tired to write much so i thought it would be appropriate to post some representative photos from 2011 (i'm working on writing our holiday letter and looking over the past year's photos to remember what i want to write about)...the following photos are out of chronological order because they were taken with two cameras and they are uploaded according to jpeg number...i could post them without comment but will give a brief description...

august...story passing the swim test at our community pool...
march...sea and story hanging out in their first snow while at family camp in idyllwild...
march...sea with kyra shortly after we got her...
summer sometime...sea joining the folk band at the swap meet here in san diego...
our sunny son story...
april...story with our new kitten pablo...
august...story running off the diving board after passing the swim test...
august...sea and story exhausted from a full day of swimming...
? sea wiggling one of the 4 teeth she lost this year...
april...easter egg hunt...
september...back to school...
september...sea carrying her box about herself....
september...walking to school with poppy...
? sea and story "getting married"...
october...halloween playdate craft...
? one of many art classes and sea showing her work...
february...running at mission beach...
january...happy new year brunch (this was supposed to be the first photo)...
october...sea as a princess fairy mermaid with her brother as pooh at her school...
? sometime at the beach...
?...beach...
june...sea's promotion from kindergarten...
january...sea early "surfing" with dad...
? sunny beach day with smiling dad...
? dad and sea snuggling...
? story after dropping sea off at school stopping to pick dandelions...
june...sea's last day of school...
november...family thanksgiving shot with our new cousin clara...
february...about to run the surf city marathon...
february...dad's 40th bday party at our house...
february...sea taking valentines to school and a card for ms. baker...
march...story's 3rd birthday party at our house...
march...story showing he is 3...
february...sea singing somewhere over the rainbow in the school talent show...
july...heading home on our road trip at the golden gate bridge in san francisco...
july...sea's 6th birthday party at the beach...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.
Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?
Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"
you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)


free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

Monday, November 28, 2011

i **heart** nerds

my husband and i just finished watching a 5th recorded episode of "the big bang theory"...my favorite t.v. show as of late...there is something familiar in this show about nerds who relate with one another but not with most of the rest of the world...i was going to analyze the characters and why i like it so but instead i came across a post in my blog roll "just write" that sounded more interesting...it is supposed to link up on tuesdays so i'm going to make this post brief and put my energy into my post for tomorrow (in 10 minutes)...

my husband is a nerd who i adore, by the way. i was a nerd underneath my otherwise social exterior who had more mainstream friends than i related with growing up...oh my, i need to save some of these free associations for my next post...tune in tomorrow!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

back home...cousin photo...more tomorrow

yes i'm squeezing this post in the final seconds of today...

so much to do to get caught up...here are a couple photos from the tail end of our thanksgiving...sea's card to her cousin skye with a drawing of each of the 5 cousins (6th one due any day)....

 in order they are meadow, story, skye, sea and ayva...here are the last four in the same order:
story, skye, sea and ayva...

i have so much to do today so more tomorrow...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Celebrating what would have been lorie's 40th

I figure my irritability and depression in part stemmed from missing my dad over this holiday of thankfulness but also missing my friend lorie who would have turned 40 today. This is what I just e-mailed her mom: "Dear nancy,  I've been thinking of lorie (and you) for the past few days but today in particular on what would have been her 40th bday. She was so full of life and zest and spunk and lived as if the smallest moments in life were cause for celebration and glee...I know just being in her presence would have been a party all its own today and I'm so sad we can't. I thank God we can reunite someday in heaven but until then I am thankful to celebrate so much of lorie that lives on... We have been spending the weekend here in ventura with manuel's family and some of his relatives from Bakersfield which of course reminded me how Manuel 1st knew lorie in central California...next weekend we will celebrate johnny facundo's 40th with him in sacramento...I remember hearing stories of them growing up together as just kids and I know we will reminisce all we miss about lorie. I'll touch base with you in the next few weeks to share more of those stories...for now I'm getting my children to bed too late but just wanted to drop you a short note of appreciation for lorie and let you know we are thinking of you... Sincerely, denise Sent from my iPhone" I wanted to say so much more along with detailed memories but it is late and my energy is low and I just got my children to sleep...

Friday, November 25, 2011

Irritable and moping

I feel irritable and depressed. Lacking an internal drive and needing resolution but not enough energy to seek it or even think about it. Really I just want to go to sleep...now...before 8 and while my children play so gleefully with their cousins...oblivious, thankfully...yes, it is the day after thanksgiving and I'm moping around...self-absorbed as usual...feeling sorry for myself instead of grateful..."glad to be above ground" as one person put it. I miss my dad something awful and don't even feel I have anyone to express that to right now... I thought today went well overall...I put up with black Friday shopping I didn't want to do, let my children eat more junk than I wanted without comment, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly including putting food in containers, sweeping, dishes and counters...all done twice...taking the dog on two walks...giving moral support and playing the mediator on family drama that I didn't need to be a part of...then my husband misunderstood something and instead of explaining it better I took it personally and shut down so now that my son is ready for bed I'm going to bed with him... One more "poor me" rant...I somehow was rationalizing all this work and time I put in should buy me a solid half hour typing a meaningful post tonight...but instead we can't get the wireless Internet to work so I'm pecking on my phone with no motive to write anything anyway... I've been noticing all these cute things my children say and do that of course at the end of the day I can't remember...they were just drinking "egg milk with cimmomon (misspelled to get their pronunciation)" and were doing "meanie meanie miney mo" and saying if the tiger "runnels" instead of hollars... More relatives showed up so I'm emerging from the room hoping to perk up and stop moping...truly hope for a meaningful and grateful post soon!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankfulness will come later

Low phone battery...in the middle of a heated discussion about parenting with my in-laws...focus on my shortcomings...will try for a real post later...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Preparing for turkey day

I'm trying unsuccessfully to upload a photo from my phone of sea and story next to an inflated turkey outside of trader joes... I wanted to write a lot more about the four stores we went to, cooking three entrees, etc last minute prep i did today but instead i'm off to put s and s to bed...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

sea and story's 1st bike ride at mission beach

 yesterday we fixed sea's flat on her bike, put new (working) training wheels on story's bike, purchased them both working lady bug bells and streamers, bundled them in warm clothes and secure helmets and took them on our 1/2 marathon training route along mission beach boardwalk...




 story loved going through the giant puddles from the rain the day before...


 and spinning over and over and over and over around in circles...


 he also REALLY wanted to play in the sand...so he took a few breaks to check it out...
 did i mention these photos were taken with my phone? i LOVE apple products...i think my phone is better than my point and shoot at capturing low light...
 story trying to escape to the sand again...




 i actually like the blurry movement quality to these photos...