mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

tree decorated and holiday cards sent

 we bought our 7 foot ($20!) tree from ikea the first of the month...just decorated it a few days ago (we've been out of town 2 weekends in a row)...all my holiday cards were printed, address labels and stamps arrived...just couldn't pull the assembly/writing of sentiments together until today...and only the friends in the first half of the alphabet got personal sentiments because i just had to mail them all...here are a few photos of tree decorating...sea almost fell into the tree...nothing the cat and dog haven't both done already...here story is placing "ooh-aah" (rudolph) into the tree...he likes to sing about his "shiny shiny nose"...

sea is placing the snowflakes she cut out...

here is the holiday letter i sent out with details from 2011:

SEAsons greetings from san diego 2011

dear friends and family,

our biggest news this year was acquiring a puppy, kyra and a kitten, pablo…the family photos were taken on our road trip to portland…with that I’ll share what we’ve been up to, what we hope to be up to, and a section with details about sea and story.

2011 highlights

we started out the year at a new year’s day brunch at char and raj’s house. we really enjoy weekly art class for sea with bhavna at char’s house…sea creates with children her age while story plays with the younger siblings…riding bikes and playing with their chickens while I sip chai with char. I’ve also enjoyed weekly meet ups with my longtime friend cara and her daughter bria (zoo, museums, parks and walks to name a few activities). I’ve been busy with my role as room mom and teaching art corps in sea’s class and love being involved in her school activities.

early this year I attempted to create/be a part of two cooperative preschools with story…one with friends from waldorf mommy-and-me preschool and we were briefly a part of an outdoor preschool. when I was new to being a SAHM I joked I was most successful at this role when I didn’t stay home and I was out keeping busy with classes and socialization for sea…now with story I’ve come to believe “less is more” and I find I most often enjoy our time just being at home together.

we spend a lot of time outdoors…m will go into work early and get off early so we can spend the afternoons by the pool, walk/run along the boardwalk at mission beach, and on weekends we will walk around the local swap meet or pack up the wagon and gear and take our doggy to coronado dog beach.      

in february m and I ran our first (half) marathon, the surf city marathon in huntington beach. I originally signed up to support my friend maggie in memory of family lost but we enjoyed it enough to sign up for another. on feb 12 we celebrated m's 40^th birthday at our house with friends, family and their children. mid-month sea sang “somewhere over the rainbow” a cappella at her first school talent show. at the end  of the month I co-hosted a baby shower for becki in sacramento (my first overnight away from sea and story).

the first week in march we celebrated story’s 3^rd birthday at our house with a robot theme…crafts, decorations and a huge jumpy castle in the back yard. save the date for his 4th birthday party on march 4. I chaperoned sea’s first field trip: we watched an orchestra perform vilvaldi’s four seasons downtown. at the end of the month our family went on a church retreat at pine springs ranch, the camp I attended as a child . the children were super excited about playing in SNOW. on the way home from this trip we decided to stop and look at some puppies (we’d been trying to find a puppy for over 6 months). I told m he could choose the dog since he’d been a part of my cat claire’s life for 15 of her 17 years with several strays acquired in between. I told him I was leaning away from his favorite, a weimaraner, because they can be hyper and neurotic…well you can see where this story is going…we stopped to check out some weimaraner puppies and our whole family fell in love with kyra and brought her home.

a few weeks later, in april, we acquired our black and white kitten, pablo. I’m a cat lover but aware that most cats prefer to interact with you on their terms so we checked out a LOT of kittens before determining this cat wanted to adopt US…evidently we were successful; he lets the children dress him, carry him upside down, stroll him in a doll stroller…he purrs the whole time…for easter we hunted for eggs and shared brunch with friends at our friend kim’s house.

in may I attended my cousin kate’s baby shower. I also chaperoned sea’s second field trip to oma’s dairy farm. at the end of the month, bill, nancy and aunt mandy flew across the country to attend a dedication of my dad's memorial chapel in the department of social work. this event coincided with the 5^th anniversary of my dad’s death and though this loss continues to be an underlying ache I’m coming to a place where I can celebrate his life and share with my children and those around me the positive perspective he had on life through my words and actions.

in june we attended our cousin alyssa’s 8^th grade graduation (wasn’t she just a little flower girl in our wedding?!)…manuel and I ran in  the san diego rock roll half marathon…sea had her kindergarten promotion and a class pool party and then soon after we left on a 2.5 week road trip stopping to spend father’s day with m’s family in ventura…time playing with cousins skye and ayva, then picked up missy, clarence and cousin meadow on our way north…we hung out with becki and met her new baby cleo, hit the hotel pools on our drive, ate at black bear diner and eventually made it to our destination, portland. the children had a blast playing with iris and auden…tumbling, climbing, making art and watching mary poppins while manuel and I caught up with marc and karri. I co-hosted a baby shower for ana, paul and their new baby skylar at our friend debbie’s house…it was lovely to hang out with ana in her neck of the woods…a BBQ with many friends at richard/tomi’s house, and hanging out with ana, karri and michal with all our kiddos at a neighborhood café.

our friend wendy spontaneously had us over for a home cooked meal, roasted marshmallows and a professional photo shoot in the meadow by her house (the main photo on our holiday card was taken by her there)…her photography is incredible…if you are anywhere near portland you should have her photograph you http://www.wjcphoto.com/ you can check out her blog post with photos from our photo shoot here: http://wjcphoto.com/blog/?p=244

we briefly met up with kathy and her grandchildren and then went camping on our road trip home. this was one of the highlights for the children; we hope to go camping more regularly! arlene and kenny hosted us in their home in pacifica…homemade dinner, walk to breakfast and the beach the next morning…lovely times…we spent much of the day driving around san francisco and walking across the golden gate bridge (bottom photo on our card)…met up with jeremy and lesley for fun with dogs, dinner, ice cream and a sleep over and then we met up with the in-laws and went to the local swap meet in ventura on our way home. we spent the fourth of july back in san diego…spent the day at the beach and then had pizza and watched fireworks overlooking the bay and downtown with mimi and angee marci…we met our new cousin, ryder, katie’s son, and went swimming with his sister chloe. we were sad to say farewell to dear friends sarah, andy, calvin and desmond who moved to georgia. sea had her annual la jolla shores beach party for her 6^th birthday. over 100 people came! put sunday july 28 on your calendar for her 7^th bday party…

the rest of the summer was filled with beach and pool days…sea taught herself to ride a bike in a few tries, the zoo, sea world, making rocket ship popsicles…story passed the swim test at age 3 with sea’s prompting…they both loved the mary poppins play (and believed she was flying above the audience…asked for a magic umbrella so they could fly, too)…in august sea and story participated in cousin ally’s wedding…walking down the aisle with their cousins kate, lisa and little chloe…

in september  m and I took our first weekend away from the children (thank you mimi and angee marci!) and flew to portland for labor day weekend to celebrate george and lynsey’s wedding at a lovely reception hosted at richard and tomi’s house. it was great to see so many friends together…yair & teresa, tony, jeremy, john, marc & karri to name a few....sea started first grade the day after we returned. later in the month, sea and story both took their inaugural voyage on surf boards at haley’s birthday party.

in october we were blessed to have our friends from australia (we met them on our honey moon in the cook islands) michelle, tama and atina visit us. manuel and I went on a string of dates to various music shows including cold cave, washed out and cut copy, paul simon and a classic band from our high school years OMD…it was an awesome show! I was part of a 1^st café booth at sea’s school for the fall festival, sea was a “princess mermaid fairy” for her class Halloween parade and party and story dressed up as a superhero of some sort with a cape…it was our first year trick-or-treating in our neighborhood  and it was nice to run into many neighbors and classmates.

in november I chaperoned sea’s first 1^st grade field trip to a play performance of sound of music…sea knows most of the songs (story jumps in and sings along with her in the car) and informed us she wants to sing “my favorite things” for this year’s talent show. she has also mentioned on several occasions she wants to “be on stage someday”. we went jogging at mission beach alongside sea and story riding their bikes (replacing the double stroller from earlier this year), la jolla scripps aquarium…thanksgiving with uncle dave and family at the beach house and met our new cousin clara…spent the weekend with manuel’s family…the children loved playing with their cousins…I was missing lorie on what would have been her 40^th bday the end of the month…

it is now december…we just got back from our 2^nd trip to sacramento—1st to celebrate john’s 40^th birthday and to try to “catch” auntie missy giving birth to our new cousin…roman decided to arrive the week after…lovely cousin time and we had fun making music in missy and clarence’s garage…we have various holiday parties we will attend, class activities…music…story is singing how rudolph had a “shiny shiny nose”…we enjoy decorating and singing xmas songs as a family…drinking “egg milk” by the fire…sea is diligently making decorations with special emphasis on cutting out snowflakes (fascinated since she doesn’t see snow here in san diego).

I am considering picking up a few substitute teaching assignments teaching psychology at mesa college nearby in anticipation I may return to teaching once story is in kindergarten; for now I’m loving staying home and being involved in sea’s school.

2011 goals

one of our top goals is to slow down and enjoy what is…we have no immediate trips, weddings or major life events on our horizon…I turn 40 february 15 so I’m trying to figure out if I’ll do something low key with family or m suggested I type “keep the weekend of February 17-20 (president’s day weekend) open for a surprise party for denise” J This will be my last full year to enjoy having story home with me before he starts kindergarten 2013.  I hope to walk sea to school, garden, cook, read and write but mostly to enjoy playing, drawing, building, parks, etc. before sea and story grow up too much more and don’t need me as much (or at least don’t think that they do).

blog update

I continue to enjoy blogging…combining my love for writing, photography, and noticing the minutia of my daily life as mommy… my goal is to post 2 or 3 times a week…I’ve had my google blogspot account for 4 years now and it is almost full so I’m going to be migrating elsewhere this year...any web/blog advice is appreciated! for now you can catch up with us here: http://mommysjourney.blogspot.com/  as always I hope to balance writing about life with living it…you can follow my photo chronicle of our life on flickr my user name is “sea and story’s mommy”

sea and story

I record a lot of the “little things” about sea and story on my blog…they both love art and creating things…recently they’ve been singing together or making music on the piano/drums/instruments they create…they play well together role playing doggies or kitties or that they are married (when they aren’t fighting)…both love to ride bikes, climb trees, explore outdoors and “down the hill”…sea has recently gotten into reading and has gone from sounding out words to reading full books…I couldn’t be more excited that she can share this passion with me now…she still loves writing and illustrating her own stories…usually about mermaids or fairies…story is all boy in some ways…collecting and noticing garbage trucks, cranes, fork lifts, “ollicopters” and zooming around in his superman shirt and cape…on our recent road trips they were both asking to “do math” where we give them problems to solve…story calls his “hard finger math”…they said “we are going to catch some winks” for a “couple whiles” and like watching the “bouncy bears” (berenstain bears)…in between “hugs and snugs” …trying to hold on to all our little things…

staying in touch

please update us with any address, phone or e-mail changes. all our info is the same. we are on and off facebook…a blessing and a curse in trying to be more present with our family yet connected to you all…we love and miss all of you so keep us updated on your lives. we’d love to have you visit! time goes so fast…we thank God for our blessings daily…appreciating the “couple whiles” we have…

Love always,

2011 snapshot in photos

today is the last day of NABLOPOMO...i made it...posting this last post less than 20 minutes before midnight. i'm too tired to write much so i thought it would be appropriate to post some representative photos from 2011 (i'm working on writing our holiday letter and looking over the past year's photos to remember what i want to write about)...the following photos are out of chronological order because they were taken with two cameras and they are uploaded according to jpeg number...i could post them without comment but will give a brief description...

august...story passing the swim test at our community pool...

march...sea and story hanging out in their first snow while at family camp in idyllwild...

march...sea with kyra shortly after we got her...

summer sometime...sea joining the folk band at the swap meet here in san diego...

our sunny son story...

april...story with our new kitten pablo...

august...story running off the diving board after passing the swim test...

august...sea and story exhausted from a full day of swimming...

? sea wiggling one of the 4 teeth she lost this year...

april...easter egg hunt...

september...back to school...

september...sea carrying her box about herself....

september...walking to school with poppy...

? sea and story "getting married"...

october...halloween playdate craft...

? one of many art classes and sea showing her work...

february...running at mission beach...

january...happy new year brunch (this was supposed to be the first photo)...

october...sea as a princess fairy mermaid with her brother as pooh at her school...

? sometime at the beach...

?...beach...

june...sea's promotion from kindergarten...

january...sea early "surfing" with dad...

? sunny beach day with smiling dad...

? dad and sea snuggling...

? story after dropping sea off at school stopping to pick dandelions...

june...sea's last day of school...

november...family thanksgiving shot with our new cousin clara...

february...about to run the surf city marathon...

february...dad's 40th bday party at our house...

february...sea taking valentines to school and a card for ms. baker...

march...story's 3rd birthday party at our house...

march...story showing he is 3...

february...sea singing somewhere over the rainbow in the school talent show...

july...heading home on our road trip at the golden gate bridge in san francisco...

july...sea's 6th birthday party at the beach...

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"

you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)

free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

needing to write a complete post

i just checked if my blog was on the blogroll on blogher for nablopomo...it was buried at 1540 of almost 2000...a few titles caught my eye i may go back and check out but really i feel like i'm just a number out there and i'm not trying to get a blog following anyway so why do i still notice things like i had 8 people read a post that was only a title i meant to come back and fill in? coming back and filling in is NOT something you do in the blog world because readers don't come back to check...what you write on any given day, the current post, is what is considered alive...i know this, yet i fill in because most of what i write is for me...my family...more of a journal of my journey than sharing with the world...so why a public blog? hmmm...good question...because i WANT to be a writer people follow and want to read and learn something from and want to answer my questions and share their opinions and ideas and knowledge and be part of a blogging community...only that requires TIME and i don't have enough of it right now. or at least am not good enough at prioritizing what to do with the time that i do have. so i get down quick summary sentences and a few phrases of snippets of my life and consider it good enough for now while my head swims with all i'd like to write about...even the little things my children say and do get saved in my head not quite long enough to make it to paper or this blog and i feel like life is slipping past me...so i try to balance between living life and capturing it...this has been one of my biggest blog themes, life themes, really...

so today i really want to write a complete post...but instead i will make sea's lunch, get her school clothes ready, make her breakfast, rush out the door much faster than i should considering i do these same things every day and every day i try to allow more time so i won't be rushed and somehow procrastinate or sabotage to be pushing and pushing myself and her...i really want to wake up early enough to eat a leisurely breakfast together...talk with each other, sip tea or coffee...then WALK the mile to school, slowly...but i'm not a morning person and neither is she so instead it is later than i'd like to be in bed myself when my children are finally exhausted enough to fall asleep at night which sets up this same rushed schedule...

i have a lot of topics left to fill in...the fall festival at sea's school and our first grade booth "----1st cafe", halloween parade, crafts and trick-or-treating...and now today i'll be teaching the second art corps lesson in sea's class...i could do all these things just in photos and have them mostly covered...but i didn't videotape any trick-or-treating and i don't want to forget the cute things sea and story said at each door...

so i may or may not get back to these...or i may or may not write a complete post anytime soon...really, what is complete when you constantly analyze life? everything connects to something and every time i figure something out, there is another way to look at it or my views change with experience...maybe that is why i called this blog mommy's JOURNEY because that's what life is...always moving, changing, growing but enjoying the ride along the way...

life beginning and life ending

my cousin dave, who i grew up with...all major holidays together (thanksgiving, xmas, 4th of july, etc) just had a baby on the 14th. three days later his mom died. she was a very strong (physically and emotionally) woman who i thought would live until she was 100 so this came as a shock to us both i believe.  dave sent me this e-mail:

"I wanted to let you know my Mom passed away in her sleep last night in Fl.   She was not sick and went joyfully to her Lord with no surffering

You only have one Mom......"

i think that last part is directed at me (i've gotten frustrated with my mom recently)

anyway, no photos for this idea but it has gotten me thinking about life and how i live it and how life comes and goes...also missing my dad...looking forward to reuniting in heaven...

thoughts on a summer morning

here is a photo of sea in between riding her bike outside with her super safe helmet, creating a "super why" character by covering blocks with paper and coloring/drawing on them...in her swim suit ready for the pool later...

it is 8 a.m. and my children are still sleeping...their summer schedule has kept them quite active and with less sleep than i'd like. normally i'm be thrilled to have them sleeping and have some alone "me" time...but this morning i'm feeling somewhat depressive, incomplete...wishing for something to "fill" me or at least distract me...a good cup of hot coffee to sip would be a start but i don't have the energy to grind and french press it and it feels more like something i'd like to do than something i'd actually enjoy...balancing ideals with the actual experience...ongoing struggle for me...i'm listening to radiohead on slacker...probably doesn't help the depressive energy...reminds me of pretty hopeless feelings i used to have in college days and beyond...though this was one of the best concerts i attended with my husband on a rare date night after the children were born...

..."if i could be...all you wanted...if i could be...all you wanted...all the time...all the time..." --fake plastic trees

i struggle with self-esteem issues...guilt...never good enough for myself or others...not really where i want my focus to be this morning...

so i skipped to "house of cards" a song manuel has played in playlists recently...reminds me of him...

i'm at a bit of an impasse...there are the things i "need" to do...the things i want to do, the things my children want to do...idealizing there are only a couple weeks of summer left and what to do to fill our time...there are playdates i want to have, playdates others want to have with us that i would be doing for their benefit and at our expense...places to go like the zoo, sea world, parks...really i just want to hang out at home...take the children on walks/bike rides...do art, make books (stories about their life/wishes)...

...READ...this is one regret i've had the past few years...my children have been in different places/attention spans with reading so i've not tried to find books i could read to both at the same time...or made other things higher priorities...i want to model how much i love to read and encourage them to do more reading on their own but more importantly read more to them...we signed up for a reading program in coronado where they get little beads for each book they read but i want to sign up locally, too...

our puppy is sleeping on the chair nearby...the kitten just ran out the back...i probably have a few minutes ( i was going to type "before the children awake")...as i was typing "little chewey" came stumbling into the front room...kyra jumped off her chair, tail wagging to say good morning...chewey was wearing his favorite, too small, "camping" sweatshirt with tents, trees, bears etc. on it...this is the shirt he will put on when asked to get dressed on his own...he rubbed his eyes and climbed onto my lap with his characteristic big smile...

i was just going to add that our past month here at home has included jaunts in the back yard (climbing the olive tree, playing in the play house, riding bikes/scooters), role playing about baby green or kendall, pretending they are characters from two of their favorite shows...martha speaks or super why, creating zoos out of blocks and animals, fighting/not sharing what each wants to play with or trying to control how they should play together, asking for just one movie/t.v. (this hasn't happened as often as i thought it would and i can still distract them to play instead)

...yesterday sea started face painting with markers on chewey...drew a garbage truck (his favorite) on his chest...then she got out letters and envelopes and made a book of pictures she could draw and wrote notes to the neighbors to let them know she could do face drawings for them...she wanted to go door-to-door to offer this but manuel came home early and we went to the pool instead...

there is always so much i could do/need to do...i'm going to read them some books this morning, go grocery shopping at the "monkey george" store (trader joes has a green monkey children search for to get a treat) and then work on being productive...m will probably come home early and we will go to the pool again...i have my first book club meeting at a wine bar in north park tonight...maybe i'll break out that book i was reading to have something to talk about other than my children...though they are my favorite topic :)

one of my friends was blogging about how now that both her children are in school and she has more time she is reflecting on who she is and her identity apart from being a mommy...i'm not quite there yet...my identity is fully wrapped around their lives and i'm loving it that way...which is interesting because when i first had children/started blogging i remember being a little obsessed with ideas of independence/dependence and figuring out who i was and where i was relative to all the needs my children had...but i don't have time for all these thoughts as our summer morning has officially begun and i must go chase pablo, our kitten scampering in the yard, make some breakfast, get us dressed/hair brushed (one of my goals is to do this earlier than we have)...those three dots "..." should be leading to some idea but i don't know what it is...i'm enjoying living in the moment where "what is" is just the idea/thing happening now...

of course that thing right now would be my son dunking our kitten into my too hot lavender bubbly bath...getting his and his sister's clothes all wet, water all over the floor in the process...

here is a close-up of the character from super why....

fact or fiction? nablopomo commitment

i've committed to nablopomo and posting every day for the month of august. the theme is "fiction" which is an odd choice for me to commit to as my focus is all about reality and the everyday mundane/meaningful details of LIFE...i have so much material with that alone i don't even have space left in my head to come up with fiction...i've always preferred recording/observing/analyzing what is...or what could be, was...though i view myself as creative and imaginative which i suppose are some of the qualities fiction call on...maybe instead of looking at it as something made up i can look at it as a challenge to get in touch with my imagination; look at the world through my children's eyes...tell them more stories about fairies and flying...or try to read more...i started the catcher in the rye the other day at the beach...classic book i never read...i liked how it was written in 1st person, the author commenting on his youth and observations...i could READ more this month...

the writing prompt for today is "what is your favourite book?"...i can never commit to ideas like this...have to give up so many others to settle on one...i've been reading several parenting books, my favorite philosophically (and really, in practice) is unconditional parenting which is a post for another day...the short story that changed my life or at least most influenced me during a pivotal time in college days was henry james' "the beast in the jungle"...i just read the amazon reviews...agree that i do not relate with nor like his style of writing...he is wordy the way he gets ideas down but if you can get through that, it is worth the time...i'm not going to comment any more on the content and how it affected (and continues to affect) me but for simplicity, it calls into question how you live your life, what you value and how your decisions embrace or run from these ideas...i want to stop running and embrace more! :)

right now my children are eating their rocket popcicles...lemonade and orange mango juice frozen in pops...they have requested we make chocolate ones later today...they are zooming their rockets around, story is hugging his baby "jonathan"...now trying to feed him some popcicle..."somewhere over the rainbow" is playing on pandora..."rocket ship going so fast" story calls out and spins around and around...i really would prefer to write about these things as they slip through my fingers so quickly...

sea is requesting a playdate with calvin before he moves away...this photo of story reminds me of her little friend with his big sunglasses and the glee of summertime...off to fill our day...

all the busy details of a week of summer

this first photo was taken at sea' new art class at our friend emily's house...it was monday afternoon after a 14+ hour marathon for her birthday at the beach (future post) and she really wasn't into it but she still managed to carefully color this entire large picture with a blue sky background...i believe we met up with her "student" aiden and his family at the pool that night...i made bean and cheese burritos for everyone and his mom brought chips, salsa and very yummy ripe peaches along with homemade cupcakes...tuesday escapes me at this point...i know story went without a nap and fell asleep sitting upright on the couch shortly after dinner...
tuesday night manuel was going to go to a little music concert, cold cave, at the casbah, a small club 3 blocks from our old apartment downtown...as he was about to leave he realized we have a friend temporarily living with us and she could watch s and s while we BOTH went...we so rarely get babysitters...i was tired but excited...story was sound asleep since he hadn't had a nap that day...sea was going to go to sleep but then realized we were going to leave (we didn't explain this idea to her as well as we normally would...we are usually very honest and up front about everything we are doing/intend to do with our children)...so she jumped out of bed and started crying that she didn't want us to go...we asked her why since she usually asks us to get a babysitter! and she said "because i LOVE you mommy and i'm going to MISS you..." to which manuel changed his mind and said "ok, sea, never mind...nothing is more important than you and we will stay..." (i'm overly simplifying this conversation, but that was the gist...the trouble wasn't that we were leaving but just that we hadn't prepared her or explained that possibility well enough) to which she sucked in breaths and said "no, i want you to go..." but she was still sniffling...we asked her if a video would cheer her up (i try not to let them watch much tv/movies) and she said "maybe?" and then we put a richard scarry compilation on and she was fine...so we decided to go! it was awesome...so nice just the two of us...i felt like a young 20 something again...possibilities in front of us, love for music, togetherness...we didn't have tickets and the show was sold out...but we waited patiently and sure enough, manuel's good luck led to the guy collecting tickets coming over to us during the 2nd opening act and saying "hey, you guys are the only ones still waiting, i'll let you in..." we even managed to get right next to the stage...literally, i was at the far left end on the corner leaning against the stage...great vantage point to watch the entire band and wesley eisold came within inches of my face...singing his heart out...so intense, so much feeling, so believable...we talked about how raw he was, how much he shared of himself, vulnerability, connecting with his audience, etc...we both shook his hand after the show and thanked him...i literally jumped on wikipedia late that night to read about him...we have the same birthday...he's felt misunderstood, write poems...his music is some cross between say morrissey and punk? i like the dramatic ballady stuff more than the angry electronic stuff...anyway, he is also good looking so manuel was joking how i had a little crush...

wednesday (yesterday) was ridiculously over-booked but in a good way...one of my good friends from college days (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and we lived together after college) sister ashleigh lives down here in san diego. she reminds me of a cross between myself (i even think we look a little bit alike) and her sister brandie...she just had a baby susana...they came over for breakfast...i felt surprisingly together...house fairly clean, even floors vacuumed, made an easy meal with make your own frozen GF pancakes (kids put butter, syrup, almond butter, whip cream, bananas, peaches, cinnamon, etc. on top) and scrambled eggs...ashleigh and i sipped our french press sumatra coffee with vanilla flavored coconut creamer and actually got to talk for a little while...our 4 children played fairly well together...especially when pablo the kitten let them wrap him in blankets in a baby stroller (i was enjoying our conversation too much to get a photo of this)...
next we packed up a quick lunch/snack of PBJ, apples, bananas, crackers, seaweed and juice boxes and headed to the neighborhood park to meet sea's "student" steven and his mom. sophia and i worked well together on various class projects in kindergarten and i really like her a lot as a person so it was nice to catch up and have adult time while the children zoomed around the park on their bikes (sea has only been riding a few days and was able to keep up with steven who is almost 7 and been riding for awhile! my little tomboy!) and story on his scooter...helmets too big...i was apparently so caught up in the moment i didn't even take any photos! a good thing i suppose...next the children collected leaves and sticks and played together creating things...i felt a little rushed at this point trying to head to the zoo...kids didn't seem to mind too much...we met my childhood friend cara and her daughter bria in the children's section of the zoo...my children could have played there all day! i really need to get more use out of our annual passes...here they are looking up at a loud squacking parrot (story covering his ears from the loud noise)...
story showing bria how to be dangerous...
sea finding another animal (a sloth)...story is nursing on my lap as i type this and he is pointing to the photo saying "those animals can bite" which was one of the qualities he and sea were looking for as they zoomed around the zoo...quick free associating aside...i used to over-relate with sloths as a child...felt big and slow and lazy and a little sad...glad my daughter doesn't overly focus on these details of life for now...
after playing on the "grayground" (what they used to call playgrounds) at the zoo bria wanted to go to the petting zoo...sea was spinning around and around and didn't want to come...she said something about being too big for the petting zoo...now that she is 6 i'm realizing she is getting too big for some things which made me sad but she humored me and came in and tried to be interested in petting a few animals...anyway, here is story next to a goat...
now it is thursday and i have so much i need to do! i could almost write my to do list here to show how random it is and how life can be busy without even scheduling anything...i'm aware this list will take several days but i usually over-list so i'll feel motivated i need to get on it because there is so much to do (yes, my intrinsic motivation isn't quite where i'd like it to be!)

--take kyra for a walk
--upload photos for photo books i have to complete by the 31st
--call marci to tell her we aren't coming out to see a cinderella play at the redlands bowl
--look into mary "puppet" (poppins) tickets for a play coming here to SD (their friend iris liked this in portland and s and s are really into this movie)
--pick up stronger (possibly toxic?) less natural (hopefully effective?) flea and tick meds for both kyra and pablo
--pick up 2 hummingbird feeders (we have some angry birds who are upset both ours broke and they haven't been fed for over a week...i always look forward to watching them hover around the olive tree and eat...and i want one in front of sea's bedroom window, too) and a dog bone for kyra who has been chewing on too many things
--put photos on a disk to take to costco...get ink filled for printer
--print out coupon for michael's and look for summer sales/get photo book
--check if CVS has put summer stuff on sale yet to get favors/beach supplies for sea's party next year
--pay bills online/mail mortgage payment
--organize sea and story's rooms/closets (toys in their right bins)
--make appt with applecare to have computer backed up to 2nd external hard drive (definitely for another day)
--clean out the kitchen cupboard so like items are together
--figure out how much deb owed on ana's shower so i can contact her/deposit check
--go through all paperwork so i know what i need to do in the future and can get rid of now (or actually do now instead of filing for a later date)
--get sea to write thank you notes for few gifts opened...open gifts from 1st co-op and write those thank yous...

we are meeting up with the members of our first co-op for one last coronado storytime/playdate in the park before calvin/sarah/family leave...i feel like i can't get enough photos/hold onto enough memories/stop time...not sure what i'm trying to do here but it seems like i'm trying to repair some childhood issues at the same time as dealing with this loss :(

no time for reflection/analysis...obviously too much to do today! sea is still sleeping at 8:23 a.m. and story has been nursing this whole time...pablo asleep on my purse on the desk by me...kyra asleep on the chair behind me..."one magic trick" by m. ward just came on pandora (kids love singing this song in the car)...story looked up from his "mummgies" to smile at me in recognition...

wow, i feel really good about how many details i got down on here! definitely representative of how busy our summer has been...hoping to slow down and just BE...enjoy my time with my children...someone recently asked me if i was going to put story in preschool and i just sort of looked at them blankly like i didn't understand the questions...honestly i'm so loving being home with them and i know in a couple years he will be off to kindergarten and it will feel like a couple minutes...story just grabbed my chin and turned my head saying "aahhh, look at pablo..."

off to be with them...