praying for uncle matthew

my husband's younger brother, matthew, was in a serious accident today. i do not know the details and i do not know his prognosis. and i don't want to speculate or do worst case scenarios in my head. so i'm waiting...my husband is driving windy roads with his mom and matthew's fiance and all i can do is keep praying. it is possible i will pop the children in our car in a few hours and drive 11 hours to meet them. but until i know details i will focus on faith and prayers and trust God to take care of the rest...

"dear hayno, we will miss..."

(top photo taken after telling you we were engaged...bottom photo taken this past christmas at our house...the blurriness somehow seems appropriate as i have so many memories blurred into these two representative photos)

• running back and forth between you and your frozen cream puffs...elated with the idea you really want to share ONE more bite...and when you don't, happily eating your share, too
• watching the wooden clock in your dining room and counting each chime aloud while you smile and turn the big hand to just one more number and do it all again
• running back and forth in the long strip of your back yard...collecting treasures like poppies and "dates" from the palm trees, walking too quickly along your little wall...sometimes splashing in a little pool or dripping popsicles all over your tiles, chairs, table and you
• dumping every single block (plastic, wooden, legoed and otherwise) out of the plastic wagon and into the middle of your living room floor and then just looking for more to undo instead of playing with those
• pulling one another around in this wagon and bumping into everything, dumping one another out, trading places and then running over your toes
  
• throwing baby dolls down so you can remind us how to care for them and how that makes them sad...hearing stories of your own baby dolls you played with as a child...
  
• sharing old photos of you as a little girl with your sisters; looking at your changing hair styles and even sharing and comparing real locks of hair
• hearing stories of you making mud pies with your sisters...very specific details on your favorite aspects of how to do this and imagining do this along with you
• realizing the deep love you shared with charlie and hearing stories of all your adventures...when you were first dating, newly married all the way through living with you here on c___ street and the big stuffed bear he left for you when he left on a trip
• the quiet, patient way you listened to so much about "us" and we rarely got around to hearing as much about you
• the autobiography you started to write for us through so many stories of you life that you shared that we never did quite get written down
• the fun game of ringing your doorbell, knocking on your door, peeking through your window and then waiting with flowers we picked out of your yard, mail, newspapers, whatever just to see the joy on your face as your looked through the crack of the opened door to receive us...
• anticipating and planning our visits to mimi around seeing you...when we could maximize our time, spend the most time, not be too cranky or tired yet feeling guilty we never quite got to see you enough
• watching sea and story both anxiously point to your house when we drove by if we were in town but hadn't yet visited
• random news, stories, tips on life that you read or heard about and shared with us to enrich our lives as they had touched yours
  
• your generosity ever since i was too little to appreciate it...i remember one lesson you taught me as a little girl when i said you didn't need to get me two dresses and you told me they weren't to make me happy but because it made you happy to give them to me
• your advice through the years on what made your life fulfilling...letting go of the small stuff and appreciating dear people who love you and love me
• your support and love of manuel when others in my life didn't approve or understand all that i love about him
• your patience with my two wild children and always focusing on their positives even when they were being rude and ungrateful and cranky...you somehow saw their angelic natures shining through or at least were so wonderful about emphasizing these qualities when they were hard to see
• the grace and poise and strength and wisdom of how you lived your life...your character, your giving, your listening, you ability to be so much for so many...
  
• but mostly we will just miss you
  

i feel somewhat morbid typing all this...tears streaming down my face as i remember and visualize each of these little moments...most of them are recent through the eyes of my own children but a few go back to me as a child...morbid because hayno hasn't passed away yet. she is in the hospital with pneumonia and doesn't have much will to live. but she is 90 and tells those who visit what a wonderful life she has had and there is a time for everyone...

so my experience with loss of those closest to me (my dad and grandparents mainly) has been so sudden i didn't have a chance to think of all these things about each of them. i didn't have the opportunity to share them while they were alive. some of this i think would make hayno smile...she would appreciate that i noticed and appreciated her on so many levels...but i don't want her to feel guilty, like she needs to stay around for us. i want her to feel ready to go and that we will be ok without her (even if right now i don't feel like we will)...how do i say these things? do i? i know with my dad he wouldn't have wanted to have this conversation...he most likely died of a cardiac arrest because we were instantly left with all these memories instead of having to share our sadness of missing him with him. but hayno may be different? i know she is very cranky and difficult in the hospital...she deserves to die at home...but what if she goes home with hospice care, gets over the pneumonia and this was all premature? i figure she would still appreciate the memories and love but i don't want to assume she is dying if she isn't? or maybe she would rather have my presence and love without hearing all of this...to "reall" when maybe she just wants to let go instead of having the pressure of all she will leave behind?

do any of you have experience with losing an older person who knew they were likely to die and/or was ready to die? did you have any "heart-to-heart" conversations with them? i think if i asked my husband what i should tell hayno when i visit her he might say to err on sharing it all...how i support her decision to hold on or let go but that i wanted to share with her how much she meant to me...

i've been babysitting a friend's kids for 9-10 hours each day for the past two days and i'm exhausted but this is the first moment, at 3:34 a.m. three days later that i've been able to grieve the possible loss of hayno and reflect on how to respond...i will try to call her in her hospital room in the morning (close to 11 so she can sleep)...but sometimes i have "intuitive" senses about things and i hope this intense mourning at this odd hour isn't because something has already happened...

santa and little things update

this experience really was as horrible as it looks for poor little story...he is such a calm, mellow, easily pleased, delighted, happy baby that i had no idea he would FREAK out over santa. sea could barely do her usual bright smile cuz she was worried about her brother. he got over it quickly but i still felt badly. we've been taking photos of sea with santa since her 1st xmas at 5 months old (we make the photo into xmas tree ornaments for our tree and for both grandparents each year) and hope to continue to do this with both children.

i'm on m's computer so i don't have all the suppporting photos for all the things i've wanted to blog about this past month...so i won't even try to recap them all...later i'll write about my dad's birthday that just passed, what i will miss about our old home, and a few other recent happenings...

but for now i had to make an updated list of "all the little things" both kids keep "wow"ing me with...

--story just figured out how to clap two days ago and will occasionally do it on request with a big grin on his face (about a week before this he "found" his hands and kept reaching up in the sky and bouncing to watch them wiggle)
--two of my close friends have recently given birth to little girls (who have older brothers sea's age) and she understands that she is a big sister but is now fascinated by the idea of having a little sister...so she created one named bonnie. it is the cutest thing listening to her in the backseat telling bonnie things i've told her ("now you HAVE to stay buckled in your carseat to be safe..." for example)...my mom asked her if her doll was named bonnie and she said yes, but my doll is not real. i have a REAL little sister who is also named bonnie but she lives a long ways away
--this memory reminded me of a cute phrase sea likes to use "in a few whiles" as her version of "in a little while"
--sometimes when seas misunderstands what people say to her we get conversations like the following: ME: "sea, don't roll down the window or you'll let in a draft" SEA: "where? i don't see any giraffes?" or my mom told her after we burned our first fire in the fireplace that she could show her the ashes to which sea replied "mommy, i'm going to go look at the eyelashes in the fireplace"
--sea and story are so much more interactive now...they adore each other...i know story is just weeks away from walking so i'm trying to remember how adorable he is crawling full speed, bottom swaying, knees knocking on the hardwood and making howling squeaky noises trying to catch his sister who is squealing in delight and running just a little too fast to be caught but slow enough to still be chased...all through the house...in circles...on and on until the squealing becomes screaming

well...almost 2 hours after i wrote that last "little thing," i'm finally back...story was writhing around in his sleep whimpering and then crying and had one of the worst gas bubbles i can remember...like sea used to get all the time. i couldn't burp it out and finally after a lot of nursing, bouncing, jiggling, body movement, position changes, dancing all around the room, etc. i resorted to simethecone gas drops and he got out a huge belch...i'm so exhausted i forgot where i was going with all of these recent happenings in our world...

basically we moved in to our new house november 23 and i haven't updated this blog in over a month...we were without internet service for a couple weeks which put online bill paying, e-mailing, facebook status updates, etc. that i do way too often all on hold and backed up...

we've been doing so much to this house! and we still aren't unpacked, need more furniture, need more vision, more money, more time, etc. this wil definitely be an ongoing project...for now we are just glad to be here and i'm SO looking forward to planting a garden! sea has rain boots and loves to splash in puddles...today she was headed straight in to our little pond (not up and running yet but filled with rain water) and would have gone in above the boots if i hadn't stopped her. i can't wait to get her a watering can and have her help me out in the yard. i'm in an organic winter seedling coop which means we each plant a lot of two different vegetables, get the seedlings growing and then swap them...let's hope i have a place in our yard for this by the time we do the swap in january!

we are also hoping to have an open house then but it may be more like february...maybe we'll combine that with story's first birthday party...

i'm bummed i lost my train of thought on the "little things" because there are just so many of them that i try to remember and must be better about blogging even if i don't have supporting photos...for example story does a whole body gleaming smile that i haven't been able to catch on film because it is too captivating and i can't bring myself to be hidden behind a camera when he is doing it. he literally stops random people on the street with his engaging eyes and bright smile that both come out of nowhere.

also, i last posted about his two top teeth coming in but actually he had FOUR coming in at once. the middle two are crooked so if i can get him to open his mouth i'll get a photo up of those...

tonight we squeezed in an hour at a friend's "stress-free solstice party" which was nice...sea had a blast playing with the older girls (dressing up, jumping on the bed, chasing one another, dancing around) and story just wanted to keep moving, crawling, finding things...so i set him down and let other mommies watch him while i gobbled down yummy mostly organic and/or vegan and/or gluten-free goodies (i managed to fit in plenty of cheese, bread, cookies etc. too) and of course some of the costco chocolate cream pie that we brought (i want to be the happy homemaker that creates all these wonderful goodies but just am not at that place right now)...

i alluded to this but had our first fire in our fireplace the other night! i got this on video but just realized i didn't even take a photo of our family hanging out watching the wood crackle and flames leap and warming ourselves in our otherwise freezing home...oh wait, we live in san diego where 50 feels like freezing but i guess many of you dear readers actually are in freezing environments so i better stop complaining!

it was nice and warm or at least very sunny outside today...we had another first in our home sitting on our new patio furniture out in our yard. we got it from an estate sale down the street and i believe it was bought in the same era as our home...late 60's or so in a nice spring green color...we actually like it better than most of what we looked at that was available new.

well sea is talking in her sleep so i better sign off and get to bed myself...so much i haven't written about and so much to look forward to...

stunned and helpless

i imagine that title could be about many things going on right now...the dow dropping close to 800 points for example, but instead this is much closer to home and to my heart...

i just got a breath stopping message about a dear friend from college. i'm stunned and crying at the same time and i'm sure many of her friends (and a few of my readers) feel the same way. seems an otherwise healthy 30 something collapsed at work and they determined she had a blood clot that traveled to her brain stem and she is now in a coma. i'm not sure what any of that means or her prognosis...she is such a good friend and person and it has been way too long since i have kept in touch with her and i feel so helpless. i feel like i should be driving up to central california to be with her family at least. for someone who is usually quite verbose, i am at a loss for words. makes me want to reach out to everyone i care about and hold on to them more tightly...but i'm still aware how helpless i am with this situation. i will continue to pray for her and hope those of you who believe can do the same...

photo in front of our new home? presumptuous, i know...

so we are back to the home search...last weekend we were on counter offers on the other house i told you about...then we got a bad taste in our mouths when the sellers "counter" was their asking price plus they threw in other concessions they wanted us to make such as shorter inspection time, etc...so we decided to expand our search...which lead to the photo taken here...

we were driving past another house, just a few blocks from the one we were in counter offers on and there was a man out front washing windows who let us take an early preview before the open house scheduled for the following day...there were so many things we loved! not sure if this was cognitive dissonance kicking in but suddenly we were really rethinking the house we almost got...decided that house was a B house with an A yard and this house i'm about to describe was an A house on a B yard...so as much as i want a garden, pool, patio, sidewalk, fruit trees, grass, etc...we wouldn't have all of these things right away anyway so we have to go with the house we love over the yard...

so what does this home have that house #2 didn't? (i am now going to refer to house #1 as the one we put offers on but lost to a higher bidder; house #2 is the one we almost got but pulled out of and this house i'm describing now is #3)

#1. hardwood floors!!!! in good condition...under the carpet...thru most of the house...i thought i could compromise on this one but really i am SO excited we may get to have hardwood floors. i think it makes the house feel cleaner, are easier to clean, better for allergies, i like how they look and should improve the home value some day

#2. bedrooms all on the same floor and next to each other. when you first walk in to the house, if you turn left, there is a bathroom to your left and storage down the hall to the left (like house #1's layout) and then all 3 bedrooms are along the far left side of the house...sea/story's would be on the street side, guest bedroom in the middle and master bedroom at the end of the hall...which leads to the next thing i like about this house...

#3. sliding doors from the bedroom to the backyard...for aesthetics, cool breezes, sounds at night, light, etc...someday we could put in french doors to increase the value...these face west so the sun sets here...

#4. an extra bedroom/bathroom with separate entrance. great for mom or mother-in-law to live with us someday; or possible rental or cousin ally to live for a couple of years while she goes to school at sdsu across the freeway

#5. amazing view...m thinks we can see all the way to the ocean on a clear day; mainly it will help resell, is peaceful, one less neighbor behind us...the downside to this view is less usable yard than house #2 since most of our property is on the slope...BUT we could still have fruit trees planted there...

#6. open floor plan. we can knock out two partial walls and part of a kitchen wall and be completely open between front room, dining room and kitchen...until we have the money/energy/resources to do that i like the layout as is...

#7. even more windows/light than both houses...the front room (when you first walk in to the house) has a window that pretty much takes up the whole far wall...facing the yard and view...

#8. an extra space between the kitchen and outdoors with sliding doors (again could be upgraded to french doors someday) that could be used as an office space/play area and when the children are older we could have adults in one area and children in another...

so what are the down sides you may ask? (m and i got in to a whole discussion on how i tend to idealize things and in being so optimistic i lose a lot of realism...so yes, i am still looking at this house through rose colored glasses that will probably change if we find another...)

#1. the house needs a lot more work...new roof, we have to pay for termites, carpets have to come up, popcorn on the ceilings, painting, yard work, etc. just off the top...

#2. it will cost more (because of extra bedroom, view and more work)

#3. the biggest downside for me is less usable yard...i'm already reworking it to have the main things i'm looking for

ok...i'm having trouble coming up with many...i'm also tiring of this topic...guess we'll know soon if this house is the "one"...will keep you updated...

one last issue related to this one...i have been thinking about my dad a lot. a LOT...one time when i thought it was unbearable that he wouldn't be here for this huge milestone in our life i heard a train pass nearby and felt like it was his immediate answer that he was there...also, when we showed this house to my mom, there were two love doves in the tree out front who hung out watching us/waiting...and then flew off together as we left...i mentioned to my mom we almost got this house on what would have been their 40th wedding anniversary and these doves were just sort of a symbol of the cycle of life for me...

on a final note. we asked sea several times if she liked house #2 and she was very clear that she did not and did not want to live there. but she has said she likes house #3 although i'm still not sure she is ready to leave our apartment that is her only "home"...

38 weeks and waiting

this photo was actually taken on manuel's birthday (february 12) and i'm actually 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant today if you are in to specificity...but i wanted to post many of these details mainly for myself to remember this journey but i figure there are other mommies who are interested...for those of you who don't know what i mean by "effaced" for example and don't want to know, well this post may have way too much information so skip to the non-mommy version of later posts and learn about the arrival of peanut #2...

on february 13 around 3 i had loose stools for no reason...then back cramps...reasons to believe this could be leading to labor signs...i had more consistent contractions and they were rolling around in waves so by that night i called my cousin kate and told her i thought i might have the baby on her bday...valentines day...well that day came and went with much of the same but nothing new to report and of course not consistent or very painful contractions...

then yesterday (my birthday) i woke up feeling like the baby could come on this date but probably not...i had no intuition either way...just figured if i was going to commit to a date, that would have been it at some point...so i went in to my 11:40 dr's appt planning to accept whatever he had to tell me (including the fear my blood pressure is still too high and we would need to induce since this is the point where sea was forced out)...

i should throw in one disclaimer here...i had intended to mention to him "since you know i want to have as natural of a birth as possible, this probably isn't an issue and i figure we would have a conversation about this anyway, but i do NOT want my membranes swept or anything during the internal exam that might speed labor along..." but of course as i was working my mind around formulating this idea and the actual words to say without offending him or feeling paranoid, he was already engaged in the actual internal exam and telling me "i think you are having the baby tonight...the baby's head is super low, you have a very thin and soft cervix, 80% effaced, 2 cm dilated..." and i was thinking he was taking too long in there and might be helping this along (but it wasn't painful and i so didn't want to believe that was true so i decided to relax and just be grateful my blood pressure was normal and i might get to deliver on my own).

so then i was in his office and everything was moving way too fast and very surreal and he was saying "i know you'd like to have your baby on your birthday and i'm on call tonight until 8 a.m. tomorrow so if you are having a lot of cramping and contractions later this evening, come by, we will check you and with breaking your waters and a little pitocin i think we will have a quick and healthy baby..." and all i really heard of this was INDUCTION...and i had flashbacks to sea's birth and having so much of my control taken away and my ideals for a natural birth going out the window...so i just said something to wrap up the appointment and turned and walked out. actually i just felt shocked that he would even say this and maybe my face said that because he did modify this with "this wouldn't be like being induced...very little assistance to help things along" but again all i heard was that he was NOT hearing me and as understood and relaxed as i've felt in appointments, i apparently have not communicated my desires to him sufficiently or have been too trusting he was on board with them (he's a surfer...older...has lots of grandkids and has been so upbeat and optimistic about my whole pregnancy without saying anything too medical or doctor-like when i've told him my position on anything)...

so i called manuel in a semi-panic...i figured i could "solve" this problem temporarily by not going in if i wasn't completely in active labor on my own and then cross the non-induction hurdles after that...but manuel was my voice of reason who insisted i had to go back in there and tell my doctor my position...and of course i knew he was right and i wasn't sure why i was being so passive and letting my fate play out instead of embracing the birth i've been hoping for...

first i spoke with some nurses to see if any of them also worked at labor and delivery and if they knew how many people wanted natural births and if there were any medical people (midwives, nurses, whoever) who supported or encouraged this...unfortunately all three of the people i spoke with looked at me like i was crazy that i A) didn't want this baby out as soon as possible B) didn't want an epidural C) didn't trust my doctor to just do what he suggested and i'm sure there were many other judgments in those looks but those were the main that flashed to mind and again i felt so misunderstood and decided to wait and talk to my doctor directly.

at this point sea was with me...excited to "see mommy's doctor" and "go WITH mommy inside" so i was a little distracted chasing her around, keeping her out of rooms, trying to show her how much she weighed over and over, etc. while waiting for my doctor to come out...

once he did, i felt myself flush with embarrassment that i hadn't spoken up before, and also not wanting to offend him...but i too quickly said something like "i know you are on call tonight and i would love to have you deliver my baby...it would also be cool to have the baby on my birthday but i was induced with sea and it is really important to me this time to go in to labor as naturally as possible so i don't want to have my water broken or any pitocin even if that means i miss out on having you deliver the baby..." and he was already putting his hand on my shoulder and saying "of course...i remember you want a natural birth and we have a lot of great staff that can deliver the baby if i'm not there so just come by only if you are in active labor..." or something that i thought he probably thought all along and the way things would have worked out but i still couldn't figure out why he had mentioned any induction methods unless i had seemed too excited about it being both my birthday and that he was on call so he was trying to please me?

ok i'm spending too long on these things and they are pretty much a moot point now...i called as few people as possible to tell them "i might be having the baby tonight" because i've been saying that nearly every day based on my own predictions and decided i just wanted to wait for ACTIVE labor...i called my in-laws, missy and matt (m's siblings) to say "maybe" but don't jump in any cars yet...oh, but if you do decide to drive i would love to have you pick up a glider i saw on the sacramento craigslist...(mixed messages i know)...then of course they were all three calling all night for updates and other than a fair amount of cramping/contractions shortly after the appointment (where i was convinced he had for sure helped things a long and kept kicking myself) i had nothing regular...

so to recap the 15th after my doctor's appointment...i was emotionally terrified and not feeling relaxed and ready to have this baby...feeling weak for not communicating my desires up front right away...and overly concerned about the cramping i was feeling...so we got some last minute shopping done at costco and then off to a hippy baby gift store in south park: i bought sea a handmade organic doll with red pig tails for the baby to give her when they meet, an organic blanket that is super soft and also green, and a couple of onesies i've been eyeing...purple and white striped kimono style organic cotton and another organic cotton green shirt that may not be that practical by itself...but at that point i was just grabbing things i really "needed" or was afraid i wouldn't have more time to think about or buy before the baby arrives.

then i went home and insisted my mom and manuel watch sea or do whatever they needed to do but i was going to get in any last minute sleep until say 6 or so (when i had promised updates to the relatives)...so i was still having a lot of contractions and definitely didn't get restful sleep but was glad for any sleep at that point...

manuel was out on a walk with sea when i woke up and i was jealous he was walking by the bay (where my father passed away) but also didn't want to be walking anyway or doing anything to speed this labor along so i told him to hurry home and lay down with me for another hour and then we could pack up the car and go to dinner and drop my mom and sea off on our way to the hospital if that was what was going to happen. so manuel, sea and i slept together "for the last time just the 3 of us" i told myself in very dramatic fashion...and then when i woke up i felt fine...very few contractions and way more "normal" than i expected...i think the psychological side of this whole thing had worked me up more than actual symptoms...

we ate at fresh choice partly because manuel's mom said she wouldn't eat at all (with one of her children she had a c-section and had complications because she had eaten) and this would be a "light but healthy" meal...although in my head i am thinking positive expectations and although a c-section is always possible, i am not PLANNING for it, nor do i think eating would be a big deal at this point...like another mom said on some board, if i was in a car accident, would they wait until my food digested to do emergency surgery? anyway, that is just another example of feeling misunderstood but she was trying to be helpful and it may just be a generational thing so i have mostly let it go...

unfortunately sea's nap was from 6 until 8ish p.m. which meant she was going to be up for a very long time...this was going to be alright with me when i thought the baby would be arriving around 3 a.m. but now that all labor signs had slowed down i was worried....gratefully after driving around for 30+ minutes didn't get her to sleep (she kept singing the old school omd tracks playing in the car) my mom started reading her several books (quietly, without the usual animated voices! i told her) and allowed manuel and i both after hot baths to lay down for another hour from 11 to 12.

sea still fought sleeping until almost 1 but i got some GREAT sleep complete with deep dreams until 4 when i woke up to use the restroom and drink more water (obsessed with keeping hydrated for too many reasons i won't go in to here)...and then the obsession to write this all down before i forget and before i actually am in labor and don't get around to it...

so i've spent the last hour on this post and in the four remaining minutes of this hour before returning to what i hope is more great sleep and no more labor signs, i just wanted to bring up dr. seuss' book "oh the places you'll go" that i love and give as gifts to kids but more importantly for this post there is a section in there that i quoted in my thesis about people waiting:
"Even Dr. Seuss (1990), in his children’s book Oh, The Places You’ll Go, described how often people will avoid making choices and wait for their life to happen to them: “Waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil, or a Better Break, or string of pearls or a pair of pants, or a wig of curls or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting” (pp. 24–25). He encourages the young reader of this simple tale to move past this place of waiting, and choose to take responsibility for creating personal meaning through action and goals."

i am again embarrassed to read my writing but one more quick disclaimer is in order to finish this thesis that took me 7 years just because i was obsessed with the topics, i had to say "better done than perfect"...anyway, i know that i am actually waiting for the baby and so are a lot of other people but i wanted to be actively waiting...like i am responsible for what i do in these moments until the baby arrives and i don't have to just wait for my fate to happen to me.

i'm going to go get some sleep and will update with more when i can...