happy 40+ birthday to me!

"i am ready to blog again...will edit this post later but wanted to get in a february 15th entry after more than 6 months...off to bed..." i wrote that last night right before going to bed...a quick commitment to blog again and i said "i'm ready" before i really was sure that i was...i've been wanting to write a post about this "in between" place that i've been...but i will save that for another day...for now, i just wanted a quick hello and update about the present...

i turned 41 yesterday. not a milestone birthday and it felt no different than any other except it was nearly 75 degrees outside and i'm always whining about rain on my birthday...and i was noticeably free of melancholy and drama...it felt nice to just appreciate what is. i even woke up with energy and ready to pick up my surroundings and appreciate a clean environment to start our day (normally i struggle with feeling these are chores that take away from something more important but on my birthday they somehow felt important and necessary and not that big of a deal). i enjoyed a kona coffee latte, did some yard work and enjoyed the feel of the soil in my fingers and sun on my back. we dog sat percy (a friend and neighbor's dog) and watched him chase and play with our dog kyra for awhile. then we spent an hour at the swap meet, watched a "space" IMAX and finished our day with a yummy thai meal that ended with this mango and sweet sticky rice dessert (sea had pulled our server aside and asked her to bring her mommy a surprise birthday dessert!)

i am just grateful for what is and hope i can return to writing soon.

san diego county fair

initially i was just going to post photos of our day...until i realized i had "narrowed them down" to over 60! so i guess i'll try to choose about 10 and include a short caption for each and leave the flickr link to get the experience of the full day...while i'm waiting for these to upload, i'll add that we've gone to the beach probably 6 times since i've been back from my mom's...three days last weekend, fourth of july, and the past couple days...

(i was having trouble accessing my photos on my external hard drive...)

in other important news for our family (and facing my issues with procrastination and need to take responsibility for difficult issues), my husband and i pulled everything out of our disorganized garage (my stuff, not his that needs tending to) and painted the dingy yellowy creamy disgusting walls a bright white! very rewarding...two days of work later we have some of the items back in but i have a lot of things to go through (read: "get rid of") in the coming days...so i thought i'd get in a post while my family is sound asleep after 9 HOURS at the beach today...literally 11 something until after 8 and after sunset!

i really want to post a reply to my friend tanya's most recent post but also want to include photos from said inaccessible hard drive so that post will wait for morning, too...so here are 12 memorable photos from the fair...we went there over a week ago...you can tell i love the ferris wheel as it is in most of the shots :)

before i forget some of the details of the day...we started by visiting the various animals...petting zoo...searched for various baby animals...then we headed over to the children's rides...we asked if there was a larger ferris wheel and were sent back on the other side...

 view headed to the top of the ferris wheel:

 looking up from the bottom of the ferris wheel:

 ferris wheel and del mar beach in the background of our ride on the swings...my husband took this shot of sea and me (bottom right corner) from his vantage point with story in the swing behind us:

next we ate some vegetarian burritos and grilled corn on the cob (there was a lot of unhealthy food to choose from...we had a giant serving of garlic fries to supplement)...ate giant chocolate dipped ice cream cones and went to look for some more rides...

 love the shadows and contrast of light this time of day...

sea and story had fun sliding down a giant slide just to the left of this photo...

 sea watching someone bungy jump...i catch the action of her glee and the ferris wheel at once :)

 the bumper cars were probably sea and story's favorite since they both got to drive...i was extra happy with this ride because the ticket collector let the children go in free "as long as they can drive"...

 the fair at night...our whole family walked through a house of mirrors (ferris wheel in the background):

 sea going on a crazy upside down spinny ride with her dad (they were both super excited...she barely made the height requirement)...

welp, here is the flickr link if you want to see the full day...

i'm off to bed...hoping i can be productive enough tomorrow to get to the post in reply to my friend tanya...she is a dear friend!

May day...

...and I may participate in nablopomo though this is all I can get down tonight...tomorrow I will update this post with what I MAY do...or at least I MAY do that :)

ok it is may 2nd...this post was begun on may 1st...on my cell phone, under the covers as my children were thinking about going to sleep but not even close (i often fall asleep before them)...there have been several changes in my life in the past few months but not enough to explain how little i have posted. i'm not ready to get back into writing even if it is to simply sign up for nablopomo and post a photo and brief thought every day...i'm not sure if it is because i just turned 40 or my children are past toddlerhood and more independent or my daily routines and ongoing projects have been changing or any other number of things but yesterday, on may day, as i reflected about what i MAY do i at least wanted to get that idea down even if i had nothing else to say.

i am fortunate to have talented writer friends...they inspire me to write and i enjoy reading their work and imagining writing my own stories someday. but not yet.

sea has been quite dependent recently...asking me "mommy, promise you'll come to ___" (snack, lunch, p.e., recess, spanish)..."i'll try...i'll see...maybe..." and then i usually don't come because i know she doesn't really NEED me and getting through the school day without me is better for both of us...but there is still a part of me who reads the san diego home education digests and thinks i would be much more passionate and creative and alive homeschooling...except when i remember the power struggles and sibling rivalry and intense, emotional, passionate beings that i both love and am exhausted by in regular interactions with sea and story together if we are trying to be productive...maybe for the middle school years.

i took sea to a lot more mommy and me classes when she was younger...spanish, music, art, swimming, etc. and though story is exposed to many of these things in our family adventures, i'd still like to do a class with him. so i signed up for one on thursdays this month. we really don't have the extra money to do this...so i'm going to try the class tomorrow morning and decide if it is worth it. a chance for story to socialize, move, do crafts, play outdoors, etc. things we do anyway but i'm often not motivated enough to do them all together or as often as i'd like...sometimes i really want to enroll him in a nearby reggio preschool...reasonably priced and many, many friends who went or are currently going there...but then i think i only have one year left with him before he is in a regular school routine and i am looking back over what i wish i'd done with our time together. constantly living in the "what if"...from the past...or the future...trying to appreciate TODAY knowing it shapes the future and will soon be PAST...

so i had some ideas about what i "may" do...today those got shot because i didn't drink any coffee and instead shuffled around in a fog (to match the uncharacteristic "may gray" weather we've been having here in san diego), unproductive, moping around for no reason, not even depressed but feeling sorry for myself and so, so tired (i know, you would think that is the perfect scenario to drink EXTRA coffee)...i did some routine grocery shopping at "monkey george" (trader joes) where story didn't even search for the monkey and subsequent treat because he had a meltdown when i wouldn't buy laffy taffy...we did end up with cinnamon rolls we came home and baked and over-ate but i didn't even enjoy those because i took them out of the oven too early and they were chewy like raw dough not like soft chewy chocolate chip cookies and when i reheated them they got crunchy...i was looking for soft and flaky...

been thinking about the idea of altered states...i never like to take any substances that alter my consciousness too much to the point of losing control yet i haven't been happy with my current "state" so a little caffeine or a glass of red wine have been fitting themselves in more often...(i just went and poured myself a half a glass of wine as i continue typing)

so back to what i "may" do since that is the idea i was going to fill in...i guess i should start simple, like i "may" get back into writing...but not daily...and not to follow other blogs or to write anything for others or even to get others' feedback...just daily stuff about my mommyhood journey and the lives of my children and husband and how our lives are interweaved...

trying to end on some note about something but it isn't there...just glad i'm not napping and i am writing even if the whys and whats aren't quite there...

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

needing to write a complete post

i just checked if my blog was on the blogroll on blogher for nablopomo...it was buried at 1540 of almost 2000...a few titles caught my eye i may go back and check out but really i feel like i'm just a number out there and i'm not trying to get a blog following anyway so why do i still notice things like i had 8 people read a post that was only a title i meant to come back and fill in? coming back and filling in is NOT something you do in the blog world because readers don't come back to check...what you write on any given day, the current post, is what is considered alive...i know this, yet i fill in because most of what i write is for me...my family...more of a journal of my journey than sharing with the world...so why a public blog? hmmm...good question...because i WANT to be a writer people follow and want to read and learn something from and want to answer my questions and share their opinions and ideas and knowledge and be part of a blogging community...only that requires TIME and i don't have enough of it right now. or at least am not good enough at prioritizing what to do with the time that i do have. so i get down quick summary sentences and a few phrases of snippets of my life and consider it good enough for now while my head swims with all i'd like to write about...even the little things my children say and do get saved in my head not quite long enough to make it to paper or this blog and i feel like life is slipping past me...so i try to balance between living life and capturing it...this has been one of my biggest blog themes, life themes, really...

so today i really want to write a complete post...but instead i will make sea's lunch, get her school clothes ready, make her breakfast, rush out the door much faster than i should considering i do these same things every day and every day i try to allow more time so i won't be rushed and somehow procrastinate or sabotage to be pushing and pushing myself and her...i really want to wake up early enough to eat a leisurely breakfast together...talk with each other, sip tea or coffee...then WALK the mile to school, slowly...but i'm not a morning person and neither is she so instead it is later than i'd like to be in bed myself when my children are finally exhausted enough to fall asleep at night which sets up this same rushed schedule...

i have a lot of topics left to fill in...the fall festival at sea's school and our first grade booth "----1st cafe", halloween parade, crafts and trick-or-treating...and now today i'll be teaching the second art corps lesson in sea's class...i could do all these things just in photos and have them mostly covered...but i didn't videotape any trick-or-treating and i don't want to forget the cute things sea and story said at each door...

so i may or may not get back to these...or i may or may not write a complete post anytime soon...really, what is complete when you constantly analyze life? everything connects to something and every time i figure something out, there is another way to look at it or my views change with experience...maybe that is why i called this blog mommy's JOURNEY because that's what life is...always moving, changing, growing but enjoying the ride along the way...

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

mom and dad's wedding anniversary

today would have been my parent's 43rd wedding anniversary. this post has to be very short because my house is upside down...trying to down size, organize, throw out or properly put away too much i've held on to in stuff and memories...photos, slides, projects...will update once i've finished...love and miss you dad...

thoughts on a summer morning

here is a photo of sea in between riding her bike outside with her super safe helmet, creating a "super why" character by covering blocks with paper and coloring/drawing on them...in her swim suit ready for the pool later...

it is 8 a.m. and my children are still sleeping...their summer schedule has kept them quite active and with less sleep than i'd like. normally i'm be thrilled to have them sleeping and have some alone "me" time...but this morning i'm feeling somewhat depressive, incomplete...wishing for something to "fill" me or at least distract me...a good cup of hot coffee to sip would be a start but i don't have the energy to grind and french press it and it feels more like something i'd like to do than something i'd actually enjoy...balancing ideals with the actual experience...ongoing struggle for me...i'm listening to radiohead on slacker...probably doesn't help the depressive energy...reminds me of pretty hopeless feelings i used to have in college days and beyond...though this was one of the best concerts i attended with my husband on a rare date night after the children were born...

..."if i could be...all you wanted...if i could be...all you wanted...all the time...all the time..." --fake plastic trees

i struggle with self-esteem issues...guilt...never good enough for myself or others...not really where i want my focus to be this morning...

so i skipped to "house of cards" a song manuel has played in playlists recently...reminds me of him...

i'm at a bit of an impasse...there are the things i "need" to do...the things i want to do, the things my children want to do...idealizing there are only a couple weeks of summer left and what to do to fill our time...there are playdates i want to have, playdates others want to have with us that i would be doing for their benefit and at our expense...places to go like the zoo, sea world, parks...really i just want to hang out at home...take the children on walks/bike rides...do art, make books (stories about their life/wishes)...

...READ...this is one regret i've had the past few years...my children have been in different places/attention spans with reading so i've not tried to find books i could read to both at the same time...or made other things higher priorities...i want to model how much i love to read and encourage them to do more reading on their own but more importantly read more to them...we signed up for a reading program in coronado where they get little beads for each book they read but i want to sign up locally, too...

our puppy is sleeping on the chair nearby...the kitten just ran out the back...i probably have a few minutes ( i was going to type "before the children awake")...as i was typing "little chewey" came stumbling into the front room...kyra jumped off her chair, tail wagging to say good morning...chewey was wearing his favorite, too small, "camping" sweatshirt with tents, trees, bears etc. on it...this is the shirt he will put on when asked to get dressed on his own...he rubbed his eyes and climbed onto my lap with his characteristic big smile...

i was just going to add that our past month here at home has included jaunts in the back yard (climbing the olive tree, playing in the play house, riding bikes/scooters), role playing about baby green or kendall, pretending they are characters from two of their favorite shows...martha speaks or super why, creating zoos out of blocks and animals, fighting/not sharing what each wants to play with or trying to control how they should play together, asking for just one movie/t.v. (this hasn't happened as often as i thought it would and i can still distract them to play instead)

...yesterday sea started face painting with markers on chewey...drew a garbage truck (his favorite) on his chest...then she got out letters and envelopes and made a book of pictures she could draw and wrote notes to the neighbors to let them know she could do face drawings for them...she wanted to go door-to-door to offer this but manuel came home early and we went to the pool instead...

there is always so much i could do/need to do...i'm going to read them some books this morning, go grocery shopping at the "monkey george" store (trader joes has a green monkey children search for to get a treat) and then work on being productive...m will probably come home early and we will go to the pool again...i have my first book club meeting at a wine bar in north park tonight...maybe i'll break out that book i was reading to have something to talk about other than my children...though they are my favorite topic :)

one of my friends was blogging about how now that both her children are in school and she has more time she is reflecting on who she is and her identity apart from being a mommy...i'm not quite there yet...my identity is fully wrapped around their lives and i'm loving it that way...which is interesting because when i first had children/started blogging i remember being a little obsessed with ideas of independence/dependence and figuring out who i was and where i was relative to all the needs my children had...but i don't have time for all these thoughts as our summer morning has officially begun and i must go chase pablo, our kitten scampering in the yard, make some breakfast, get us dressed/hair brushed (one of my goals is to do this earlier than we have)...those three dots "..." should be leading to some idea but i don't know what it is...i'm enjoying living in the moment where "what is" is just the idea/thing happening now...

of course that thing right now would be my son dunking our kitten into my too hot lavender bubbly bath...getting his and his sister's clothes all wet, water all over the floor in the process...

here is a close-up of the character from super why....

all the busy details of a week of summer

this first photo was taken at sea' new art class at our friend emily's house...it was monday afternoon after a 14+ hour marathon for her birthday at the beach (future post) and she really wasn't into it but she still managed to carefully color this entire large picture with a blue sky background...i believe we met up with her "student" aiden and his family at the pool that night...i made bean and cheese burritos for everyone and his mom brought chips, salsa and very yummy ripe peaches along with homemade cupcakes...tuesday escapes me at this point...i know story went without a nap and fell asleep sitting upright on the couch shortly after dinner...
tuesday night manuel was going to go to a little music concert, cold cave, at the casbah, a small club 3 blocks from our old apartment downtown...as he was about to leave he realized we have a friend temporarily living with us and she could watch s and s while we BOTH went...we so rarely get babysitters...i was tired but excited...story was sound asleep since he hadn't had a nap that day...sea was going to go to sleep but then realized we were going to leave (we didn't explain this idea to her as well as we normally would...we are usually very honest and up front about everything we are doing/intend to do with our children)...so she jumped out of bed and started crying that she didn't want us to go...we asked her why since she usually asks us to get a babysitter! and she said "because i LOVE you mommy and i'm going to MISS you..." to which manuel changed his mind and said "ok, sea, never mind...nothing is more important than you and we will stay..." (i'm overly simplifying this conversation, but that was the gist...the trouble wasn't that we were leaving but just that we hadn't prepared her or explained that possibility well enough) to which she sucked in breaths and said "no, i want you to go..." but she was still sniffling...we asked her if a video would cheer her up (i try not to let them watch much tv/movies) and she said "maybe?" and then we put a richard scarry compilation on and she was fine...so we decided to go! it was awesome...so nice just the two of us...i felt like a young 20 something again...possibilities in front of us, love for music, togetherness...we didn't have tickets and the show was sold out...but we waited patiently and sure enough, manuel's good luck led to the guy collecting tickets coming over to us during the 2nd opening act and saying "hey, you guys are the only ones still waiting, i'll let you in..." we even managed to get right next to the stage...literally, i was at the far left end on the corner leaning against the stage...great vantage point to watch the entire band and wesley eisold came within inches of my face...singing his heart out...so intense, so much feeling, so believable...we talked about how raw he was, how much he shared of himself, vulnerability, connecting with his audience, etc...we both shook his hand after the show and thanked him...i literally jumped on wikipedia late that night to read about him...we have the same birthday...he's felt misunderstood, write poems...his music is some cross between say morrissey and punk? i like the dramatic ballady stuff more than the angry electronic stuff...anyway, he is also good looking so manuel was joking how i had a little crush...

wednesday (yesterday) was ridiculously over-booked but in a good way...one of my good friends from college days (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and we lived together after college) sister ashleigh lives down here in san diego. she reminds me of a cross between myself (i even think we look a little bit alike) and her sister brandie...she just had a baby susana...they came over for breakfast...i felt surprisingly together...house fairly clean, even floors vacuumed, made an easy meal with make your own frozen GF pancakes (kids put butter, syrup, almond butter, whip cream, bananas, peaches, cinnamon, etc. on top) and scrambled eggs...ashleigh and i sipped our french press sumatra coffee with vanilla flavored coconut creamer and actually got to talk for a little while...our 4 children played fairly well together...especially when pablo the kitten let them wrap him in blankets in a baby stroller (i was enjoying our conversation too much to get a photo of this)...
next we packed up a quick lunch/snack of PBJ, apples, bananas, crackers, seaweed and juice boxes and headed to the neighborhood park to meet sea's "student" steven and his mom. sophia and i worked well together on various class projects in kindergarten and i really like her a lot as a person so it was nice to catch up and have adult time while the children zoomed around the park on their bikes (sea has only been riding a few days and was able to keep up with steven who is almost 7 and been riding for awhile! my little tomboy!) and story on his scooter...helmets too big...i was apparently so caught up in the moment i didn't even take any photos! a good thing i suppose...next the children collected leaves and sticks and played together creating things...i felt a little rushed at this point trying to head to the zoo...kids didn't seem to mind too much...we met my childhood friend cara and her daughter bria in the children's section of the zoo...my children could have played there all day! i really need to get more use out of our annual passes...here they are looking up at a loud squacking parrot (story covering his ears from the loud noise)...
story showing bria how to be dangerous...
sea finding another animal (a sloth)...story is nursing on my lap as i type this and he is pointing to the photo saying "those animals can bite" which was one of the qualities he and sea were looking for as they zoomed around the zoo...quick free associating aside...i used to over-relate with sloths as a child...felt big and slow and lazy and a little sad...glad my daughter doesn't overly focus on these details of life for now...
after playing on the "grayground" (what they used to call playgrounds) at the zoo bria wanted to go to the petting zoo...sea was spinning around and around and didn't want to come...she said something about being too big for the petting zoo...now that she is 6 i'm realizing she is getting too big for some things which made me sad but she humored me and came in and tried to be interested in petting a few animals...anyway, here is story next to a goat...
now it is thursday and i have so much i need to do! i could almost write my to do list here to show how random it is and how life can be busy without even scheduling anything...i'm aware this list will take several days but i usually over-list so i'll feel motivated i need to get on it because there is so much to do (yes, my intrinsic motivation isn't quite where i'd like it to be!)

--take kyra for a walk
--upload photos for photo books i have to complete by the 31st
--call marci to tell her we aren't coming out to see a cinderella play at the redlands bowl
--look into mary "puppet" (poppins) tickets for a play coming here to SD (their friend iris liked this in portland and s and s are really into this movie)
--pick up stronger (possibly toxic?) less natural (hopefully effective?) flea and tick meds for both kyra and pablo
--pick up 2 hummingbird feeders (we have some angry birds who are upset both ours broke and they haven't been fed for over a week...i always look forward to watching them hover around the olive tree and eat...and i want one in front of sea's bedroom window, too) and a dog bone for kyra who has been chewing on too many things
--put photos on a disk to take to costco...get ink filled for printer
--print out coupon for michael's and look for summer sales/get photo book
--check if CVS has put summer stuff on sale yet to get favors/beach supplies for sea's party next year
--pay bills online/mail mortgage payment
--organize sea and story's rooms/closets (toys in their right bins)
--make appt with applecare to have computer backed up to 2nd external hard drive (definitely for another day)
--clean out the kitchen cupboard so like items are together
--figure out how much deb owed on ana's shower so i can contact her/deposit check
--go through all paperwork so i know what i need to do in the future and can get rid of now (or actually do now instead of filing for a later date)
--get sea to write thank you notes for few gifts opened...open gifts from 1st co-op and write those thank yous...

we are meeting up with the members of our first co-op for one last coronado storytime/playdate in the park before calvin/sarah/family leave...i feel like i can't get enough photos/hold onto enough memories/stop time...not sure what i'm trying to do here but it seems like i'm trying to repair some childhood issues at the same time as dealing with this loss :(

no time for reflection/analysis...obviously too much to do today! sea is still sleeping at 8:23 a.m. and story has been nursing this whole time...pablo asleep on my purse on the desk by me...kyra asleep on the chair behind me..."one magic trick" by m. ward just came on pandora (kids love singing this song in the car)...story looked up from his "mummgies" to smile at me in recognition...

wow, i feel really good about how many details i got down on here! definitely representative of how busy our summer has been...hoping to slow down and just BE...enjoy my time with my children...someone recently asked me if i was going to put story in preschool and i just sort of looked at them blankly like i didn't understand the questions...honestly i'm so loving being home with them and i know in a couple years he will be off to kindergarten and it will feel like a couple minutes...story just grabbed my chin and turned my head saying "aahhh, look at pablo..."

off to be with them...

overwhelmed yet enjoying kyra...swap meet...

as much as i love taking photos and depicting a few moments in our life each day i really miss writing in this blog or even in a journal...story is whining he wants to "do huckle" which means watch richard scarry videos on the computer...he is eating chocolate (a little before finishing lunch) as a way to buy myself a little time...he got a new truck...hopefully i'll get a photo of this up tomorrow...

just came back from cleaning up two pee-pee accidents (spraying lots of vinegar/dish soap/hot water)...the up side is i have done a lot of spot cleaning on our hardwood floors...just getting my two children out of diapers and now i have this baby...knew this going in but not sure if i have the patience/energy at the moment...tea has been steeping and is now probably cold...put sound of music on for story...guilt over t.v. as a babysitter...

gorgeous sunny san diego day like the blue skies with puffy clouds in these photos taken several days ago...i want to go to the nursery and get seedlings and other items for my garden so i can make that a regular part of our daily routine but i obsess over what to plant/when, not having proper soil/amendments, afraid of rabbits eating everything and no fences, wanting to get worms for our compost, not weeding, etc. etc. excuses for doing nothing at all...


quick photo narration...here is sea with a bag packed to take to the elderly neighbor...hot cross buns my mom brought, random fennel and flowers she picked in the canyon, a card she made, banana for a snack, etc...
and sea's adoration/love/snuggles with kyra...


yesterday we went to what we term the "ramate" (kobey's swap meet)...so many opportunities for great photos escaped me with children trying to run show me things, kyra trying to jump off, etc...it was exhausting but fun...manuel usually finds one item he can make money selling on ebay to recoup our expenditures...
here is sea near the end of the day...as tired as the dog, as all of us...
i took several shots because she was laughing about something...


just as we were leaving a lady selling books told us each to choose one so she had less to pack to take home...story chose the "ginger man" (gingerbread man), manuel got david sedaris' "dress your family in corduroy and denim" (per her suggestion) and she turned to me and said, "here, you want a good book? read this" and handed me "the history of love" by nicole krauss. if i can ever get a few moments free i believe i will really enjoy this book. i'm a tragic romantic so like just the idea of it already. finally, sea grabbed hugo's "les miserables" most likely because it was the thickest book and she liked the idea of reading something grown up...

on our way home we picked up a couple books about weimaraners (i could really use some tips on raising ours) and then manuel read sea a little of twain's "tom sawyer"...she loved it of course. i've been longing for the time when we could all read together...sea is almost to the point where she can read little books to story if she has the interest/patience...

kyra is finally napping. story is happy watching his movie. i finally have time and my mind goes blank...i've had all these ideas in my head i wanted to blog about all morning...so weird how that happens...

guess i'll go be productive...oh, that reminds me...i miss "following" blogs but on the other hand it is kind of nice not to have any readers so i don't have the guilt of having a lame blog that isn't very interesting to read...

today a new student joined sea's kindergarten class and i passed out my "mommy" card...afraid for a moment they would check out my blog but realizing i can be entirely self-absorbed and that is unlikely...off to post some photos to the kindergarten site and send out some room mom updates...

happy "ubu" day every day

i love this photo from sea's first valentine's day at school...i made her a necklace with yarn and a heart with missing diamonds her auntie breezy gave her...she is holding a card for her teacher and 24 identical valentines she made. the title of this post is "ubu" which is pronounced "uhhhb ewe" and is how chewey (story) used to say "love you" so that is how we still say it to one another in our family...

i was feeling sorry for myself this morning with a giant red rudolph-inspired pimple in the center of my forward, disheveled hair, no shower, messy kitchen, table, house...too much on my to do list...but this photo cheered me up and changed my focus...

story is playing happily alone...i'm listening to classical music...breathing...sipping hot carob milk that is just a little too warm to drink...my mom is still sleeping...manuel's mom and brother and his fiance are headed down shortly for sea's talent show...her eye is healing well (she ran into a wall at the party sunday)...

i'm being way too indulgent writing anything at all right now but somehow it felt like what i needed to do to feel centered and start my day...off to check things off my list!

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

motivation and lack thereof and sea stories

so i've already come down to the wire on the 48 hours i gave myself to write about...J.B. kindly suggested i write a post a question and that definitely sounds more doable so i'm thinking i'll just start with the clutter in my head and then "pick" a question that sounds like something i could handle writing about. i really could use some analysis on why i need deadlines or external incentives to motivate myself to do things that are important...i wish i had a stronger internal will to make things happen...blogging every day is just too much for me right now. i don't enjoy blogging when i feel that i HAVE to post every day. nor do i like leaving one post for 3 weeks because i don't have anything better to say...

so my new plan for this blog is to make it a reflection of my life...that means crazy and chaotic with several posts in a row and then allowing time in between...i think the only requirement that i will have of myself is that i don't go more than 4 days without blogging because then it is just as easy to allow weeks to go by...i am also going to allow mundane or less "meaningful" posts and not putting assignments on myself...just typing when i have the time and energy and interest...

one friend, elaine, who first inspired me to start a blog replied "when I started it was to provide my children with a look into their mother's life and their own, from the very beginning. I wanted them to know what it was like for me to become their mom and to see what their world looked like when they were wee. I still have that goal in mind. I still always have them in my vision when I blog, even when it has nothing to do with them." and really, even though my early reasons for starting a blog weren't quite as noble (i probably had that idea in the back of my mind, just wish it had been my motivator) i think that is where i'm at now...my blog title sounds so self-absorbed being about MY journey as a mommy but really i needed to figure some things out, figure more of myself out (lots of work to do in that area, too!) and now i feel like i'm more at peace with who i am, where i am and i want this blog to be more about my children and my place in their lives. so i'm going to try to capture more "little things"...

like today sea told me i have a "gooder remembery than" she does...we spent some time planting "seeds" in the garden (something she found that looked like a seed)...she made a little "book" out of several pages of drawings...i believe it was the story of charlotte's web...right now story is playing alone in the train room, singing to himself...sea just set two big chairs side by side, sat down with her "queen hat" on (crown) and said "mom, i need someone to be my king...story, now sit down and be my king"...story is remembering to go potty in the potty about 50% of the time and gets excited about particular underpants like his "gunky" (monkey) ones of the "choo-choo's"...he specifically asks for these by name (sound) in a very determined way i don't remember sea doing though they do have a strong will in common...today sea was telling me a story in the car "here is the story you can tell us...about a kitty named mittens, the boy kitty, and his sister named littens and the mom is mary and the dad is larry...and they love to go to the beach...but their mommy always makes them wear sunscreen...when they don't go to the beach they do crafts and go to the park and play and never come home..." story was filling in the few words he knew while she talked and i just smiled to myself thinking about them telling one another stories someday and especially when they include so many details from their daily life...

right now sea and story are pretending like they are in a kingdom and sea is saying "come on, come on, wake up! let's go jump around but let's fix our bed before we do anything...we can go out in the kingdom and pick flowers and sit on our chairs and wait for people to come and meet us because a king and queen have lots of work to do" and story is saying "up high" and trying to climb the filing cabinet...the one that is like 5 feet tall...now he is nursing standing up while i type and trying to put his crown over my milky so he can nurse through it? they say "truth is stranger than fiction"...

the spinach and cheese ravioli are done...story was helping me cook and also wanted to throw in frozen corn, peas and green beans so i'm going to throw those ingredients together with some tomatoes and avocado and call it a meal...

i've felt so much better getting these little things down...the idea going through my head these past few days of procrastination has been "i wanted to blog but life got in the way" and now i feel like i'm living, observing and blogging...the perfect combo if i can get the balance right...

oh wait, i still haven't answered any of my questions...hopefully this has been tangentially related to them...i will have your replies up by late wednesday night along with my comments...still hope i can give you more before i read yours....

this post was having publishing so we have since eaten, brushed teeth, read worship stories and sea has declared "i'm going to sleep in my bed tonight for the WHOLE night"...despite our delays of extra hugs and kisses and goodnights to story, she got up out of our bed and fell promptly to sleep with little more than a tuck in (our request, not hers) and her "basket of chocolates" beside her...

there were several cute things story said during worship (he "reads" his own Bible while daddy reads a real worship story aloud to sea)...him pointing to adam and eve and saying "mama? dada?" and pointing to fire (daniel and the lion's den) and saying "haw" (hot) and then "mama?" like he is nervous...hugging me tightly...he's learning his colors and was pointing out "meem" "dellow" "blue"...but i'm having trouble commenting on them with mixed emotions about sea trying to sleep in her own room again...like she is trying to grow up and do what we would like her to at the same time...we know we need to let her go so we aren't encouraging her to stay in our bed per se, just not rushing her out, either...i'm off to bed myself...

mommy stuff, excuses, blogging questions and answers

i took this photo of story nursing on me on the morning of mother's day. i don't think of myself as vain or that self-critical of what i look like, but somehow i just feel and/or look like i'm SO tired and old...that disclaimer aside, i do like how peaceful and attached story looks and i must remind myself that i appreciate that tonight after nursing and re-nursing and then nursing him again so much so that i ran out of milk (?!) i can only think of a few times that has happened...but of course that happened for 2.5 hours tonight as i was thinking of all my answers to yesterday's (too) many questions about blogging...heck, i'm getting stressed just thinking about what all those questions were and i LIKE answering lots of questions so i can see why most commenters stuck with answering one or two...

i find it ironic or perhaps appropriate that not only did i not make it to all my favorite blogs to request feedback on this topic, i didn't even make it to thank those who DID comment...so i'm trying to decide in the few minutes before i should go back to sleep (oh, one of my excuses is that sea is really sick...came down with a fever yesterday and has been listless and moping around all day) if i should try to answer those questions or visit blogs...i'm going to go for thank-yous first and see if i have time for more...if so, i'll edit this post...if not, look for answers to the questions tomorrow or take a second and comment your answers if you haven't already...

looking down, lists and "slippy soup"

i've had ongoing lists running through my mind...haven't had a chance to get them down anywhere where they will get done (and despite this challenge to myself, i can't bring myself to DO something first and then write it on a completed list)...so i remain a slave to lists and circular patterns that hinder productivity...one up side (back to the up theme of may at NABLOPOMO) is i like getting down on this blog all the random things we think about, do, hope to do but never do, minutia i'll likely forget but will be a window into our life at this point in time...

so what is "slippy soup" you may ask? or maybe you figured it out...that is what sea thinks we are saying when we serve her "split pea soup" so we go with it and ask her if she'd like slippy soup...this photo was taken at one of the museums in san francisco on the road trip with my mom in march that we never did get around to blogging about...

this is a totally unrelated idea but i've been free associating a lot in my head and want to get these things down so i can be productive (again, a losing battle cuz i can never get it all down and never have the time to be productive if i do get a lot down)...anyway, the idea that came into my head as i was vacuuming, head down, scanning the hardwood floors for dirt, food, rolly pollies (a lot make it through our open sliding door)...this is a run-on sentence if i've ever seen one! ha! anyway, back to the idea i still haven't relayed to you...the opposite of "looking up" or "looking down"...i do this often in my home in particular...obsessed with having a clean floor...it is a little easier with hardwood than carpet but still a pretty much all day long task...i am not usually all that clean or neat but i joke that my mom thought sweeping the kitchen floor was "spring cleaning" (not really, but it was a low priority to her growing up) and i distinctly remember visiting a neighbor with my mom when i was a little girl and my mom pulled me aside and was whispering in my ear in hushed tones something a long the lines of how neurotic or crazy said neighbor was as she hand washed her floors EVERY DAY and in that moment i determined that i wanted that for myself even if it meant i was crazy...so yeah, that is one of my obsessive cleaning things (i don't have many)...i think psychologically beyond my childhood issues with it i look at clean floors like the clean foundation of all else...like you can have clutter or other things to clean but if the you start with a clean ground you are on the right track...thanks for letting me share this free association on looking down...

now on to my lists...i thought to close this post i would just write out what i had hoped to do this week along with what i've actually done (or not done) so far, to give you an idea of life around here right now...

this past weekend i taught sabbath school and then we went to a birthday party (i hope to do a blog post with photos) for one of the 5-year-old co-op preschool members...sunday we spent ALL DAY at the beach which was lovely and relaxing...so much so that when we came home and got the children bathed and read them bedtime stories, well, we went to sleep with them! that meant sand, wet clothes, picnic baskets, etc. beach stuff needed to be cleaned up the next day...SO...my hopes of making it to a playgroup park day at the park literally down our street didn't happen...neither did my brisk walk...and then a girlfriend called to see if we wanted to meet her and her children (same age as ours) at people's, a health store where we shop and eat healthy vegetarian food together...i thought this would be the motivation i needed to be productive but i just felt overwhelmed, unmotivated and tired all morning...stalled and put off cleaning until it was almost time for story's nap when i was hoping to either sleep with him or have some down time and then i was frustrated the house was such a wreck...on the up side (there's that theme again) the kids played outside in our back yard a LONG time...without throwing rocks on the sidewalk, getting in to the pond, falling over the edge, digging up plants, getting everything but the plants wet...i have all these rules for being outside and i guess they wanted to be out there enough to avoid doing all these things...which was good for me...and them for that matter...i'll have to do a blog post about the mom's network class i attended on the value of the outdoors for children (and people for that matter) and how to get more of it into your life...so, i was happy about that...of course i did end up putting on a video for sea while i slept with story...manuel called in the middle of my nap and i couldn't fall back asleep so i must have done some tidying...

so here we are on tuesday...i had hoped to go to a storytime at a library in coronado that we regularly do on tuesdays...then follow it up with park playtime and a picnic lunch...but again, too much to do...and i really wanted to fit in a walk...so i made them a brief breakfast of bagels, almond butter and honey, bananas...apples...other snacks they could take in the stroller...bribed them with mango popsicles we could buy at the store and they could eat on the way back...manuel had a light morning and came home to be productive for an hour...we cleaned out the hall cupboards and gave away a lot of linens we never use...kids ate lunch and then went outside to play...sea discovered she could fill up a hole with water and slosh in the mud...up her to her chest sitting down...poured it down her hair and back...trouble rinsing off sufficiently made for much more cleaning inside...a bird flew in (twice!) and we moved slowly and directly to urge him/her to fly out the door...story has been napping really long now which means he'll be cranky when he does get up and then up late...but it has been worth it to get these rambling ideas out of my head...sea is drawing stories on typing paper (her favorite medium) with colored markers (her second favorite...she prefers "permanent ink" pens)...i had sea and story talk to their namenee (manuel's mom) on our walk and then auntie missy called awhile back and we caught up on the life of our cousin/niece baby meadow...i'm now stalling going through a lot of paperwork so i should give you a quick summary of the rest of the week and get on that in the moments i have before story wakes up...

the other thing i was going to do today that didn't happen is take the kids to the picture people...if you have one near you, get on their mailing list...you get a free sitting and one free 8 X 10 photo every month or so...we use them for our annual photo of the kids...we've used them since sea was 1...she wore the same pink dress and held the same monkey to compare her growth...i think she can squeeze into this dress this last year (it is a 3T size)...story wore jeans and a white shirt and held a stuffed bunny...if i can figure out how to use my scanner i'll get the age 1, 2 and 3 photos up for sea...

i did pay a couple bills and organize a meals on wheels delivery for a friend that just had a baby...meant to put some beans in a crock pot for cinco de mayo both for this friend's possible meal and co-op preschool. i'm hosting tomorrow and originally we were going to revisit a gardening theme but now i'm going to serve mexican food (and possibly a pitcher of margaritas...just a little for each mom since they have to drive home)...and have the children make mother's day cards. i thought i'd also take a photo of each mom and child to send them as my happy mother's day to them (probably via email since i don't even print out my own photos)...finally i'm going to have the moms switch kids and interview the 4 or 5-year-olds things about their mommy...i did this last year this time when sea was 3 and the answers are funny...maybe i'll do a post comparing 3 and 4...so that basically fills up my wednesday plans (except for running by the nursery for some gardening supplies...maybe little pots, soil and seeds to have the children grow a flower of some sort for mom? i was also going to have them make little 3 X 5 cards that say "sea's sunflower" and have them draw a picture of what is supposed to grow...but i know these won't make it onto popsicle sticks and/or get laminated...)

can you tell i'm back to drinking coffee? :)

we are going to a children's culinary class at a friend's house on thursday. last time we made pizzas and i can't remember what she is going to have them cook/create this week...

friday is typically my cleaning, car washing, laundry, groceries, etc. get ready for the weekend day and then we are leaving for ventura to spend mother's day with my in-laws and the little cousins...

i must make myself go now to be productive but thank you for allowing me this true "journaling" experience that someday hopefully will be interesting to myself or my children about our lives...

looking up

so i've fought against NABLOPOMO on and off the past few months...it isn't necessarily that i'm too busy to think i won't be able to commit to blogging every day as it is i feel i lose quality to quantity...and if i had to choose of course i'd rather write meaningful posts and have time to read others' posts, make comments, have a life...but the months i decide not to post every day, well i go 3 weeks without posting or reading others' lives or having a life...SO i am committing to blogging every day in may.

the topic for may is "look up" and i have some great cloud shots or tall buildings somewhere but thought a photo of one of my children (in this case, story) looking up would be more appropriate on my mommy blog...

a quick free association on this topic...my father passed away may 28, 2006 so i'll be reflecting on his passing at the end of this month. the day he died, the last real interaction we had before he left on the walk where he had a cardiac arrest and passed i was videotaping and not thinking about anything in particular and so it was a little windy and i turned the video camera up into the sky, watching the palm trees gently sway and that is where i ended the video...so i distinctly remember this and also the idea of "looking up" to heaven and beyond this earth to life in heaven where i can be reunited with my dad...

so this month i'd like to reflect more on God and His place in my life and connecting more with Him.

i also like the symbolism of "looking up" as being optimistic and hopeful, assuming the best in life and in myself and in others (i don't know much about the book/movie "the secret" but the idea is that if you change your beliefs and imagine them happening, they will...)...either way i'd prefer to focus on the idea that things are better than they may really be...

i also have to "look up" a lot of classmates in planning my 20 year high school reunion...i'm co-chairing the planning committee and our reunion is in july...

...and my daughter will be "looking up" from kindergarten at all the big kids when she starts in the fall...this milestone and all that comes with it and beyond will be on my mind a lot in the next few months...

i could keep free associating on this topic but i'm over it already (is that a bad sign for committing to blog every day?)...