riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

walking home from the pool

i missed a day :( we went to a concert...el ten eleven at the casbah...didn't get home until 2 a.m...

happy 8th anniversary!

i have so much to write about m and nothing at the same time...not sure if that makes sense...here is what i wrote tonight as my facebook status update:

"to my husband...on this day, you have been my friend for 21 years, best friend for 16 years, devoted husband for 8 years and unbelievable daddy to our children for 6...you have always been loyal, understanding, supportive, honest, loving, and have more integrity than anyone i know. i thank God for you and His promise that we can be together for eternity..."

factually all true...i just wish there was more i could say/do/write...i'm not sure what...i always feel like he has given me more than i can ever return...probably because our relationship began when i was in such a dark place and he was the light that pulled me out...i can't go into all these things right now but someday, i hope to share more about my husband, my soul mate, my best friend...

overwhelmed yet enjoying kyra...swap meet...

as much as i love taking photos and depicting a few moments in our life each day i really miss writing in this blog or even in a journal...story is whining he wants to "do huckle" which means watch richard scarry videos on the computer...he is eating chocolate (a little before finishing lunch) as a way to buy myself a little time...he got a new truck...hopefully i'll get a photo of this up tomorrow...

just came back from cleaning up two pee-pee accidents (spraying lots of vinegar/dish soap/hot water)...the up side is i have done a lot of spot cleaning on our hardwood floors...just getting my two children out of diapers and now i have this baby...knew this going in but not sure if i have the patience/energy at the moment...tea has been steeping and is now probably cold...put sound of music on for story...guilt over t.v. as a babysitter...

gorgeous sunny san diego day like the blue skies with puffy clouds in these photos taken several days ago...i want to go to the nursery and get seedlings and other items for my garden so i can make that a regular part of our daily routine but i obsess over what to plant/when, not having proper soil/amendments, afraid of rabbits eating everything and no fences, wanting to get worms for our compost, not weeding, etc. etc. excuses for doing nothing at all...


quick photo narration...here is sea with a bag packed to take to the elderly neighbor...hot cross buns my mom brought, random fennel and flowers she picked in the canyon, a card she made, banana for a snack, etc...
and sea's adoration/love/snuggles with kyra...


yesterday we went to what we term the "ramate" (kobey's swap meet)...so many opportunities for great photos escaped me with children trying to run show me things, kyra trying to jump off, etc...it was exhausting but fun...manuel usually finds one item he can make money selling on ebay to recoup our expenditures...
here is sea near the end of the day...as tired as the dog, as all of us...
i took several shots because she was laughing about something...


just as we were leaving a lady selling books told us each to choose one so she had less to pack to take home...story chose the "ginger man" (gingerbread man), manuel got david sedaris' "dress your family in corduroy and denim" (per her suggestion) and she turned to me and said, "here, you want a good book? read this" and handed me "the history of love" by nicole krauss. if i can ever get a few moments free i believe i will really enjoy this book. i'm a tragic romantic so like just the idea of it already. finally, sea grabbed hugo's "les miserables" most likely because it was the thickest book and she liked the idea of reading something grown up...

on our way home we picked up a couple books about weimaraners (i could really use some tips on raising ours) and then manuel read sea a little of twain's "tom sawyer"...she loved it of course. i've been longing for the time when we could all read together...sea is almost to the point where she can read little books to story if she has the interest/patience...

kyra is finally napping. story is happy watching his movie. i finally have time and my mind goes blank...i've had all these ideas in my head i wanted to blog about all morning...so weird how that happens...

guess i'll go be productive...oh, that reminds me...i miss "following" blogs but on the other hand it is kind of nice not to have any readers so i don't have the guilt of having a lame blog that isn't very interesting to read...

today a new student joined sea's kindergarten class and i passed out my "mommy" card...afraid for a moment they would check out my blog but realizing i can be entirely self-absorbed and that is unlikely...off to post some photos to the kindergarten site and send out some room mom updates...

sea and story holding hands at the beach

only time for a couple photos from our 76 degree weather at the beach a couple weekends ago...that's right, in january...most of the u.s. is currently covered in a huge snow storm...we are so lucky to live here in sunny san diego...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

too much fun at the beach

this video of a typical "spring day" at the beach (it was taken a couple weeks ago when it was a little cooler...there were like 20X the number of people at the same beach yesterday and today...and yes, we will be there again tomorrow) is a little long. you can get the "feel" for the beach and the fun we have there in just a few seconds so don't feel like you need to watch the entire thing...but that is where we have been and where we will be all weekend so more blogging for me in a few days...hope you are enjoying your memorial day weekend!

"wanna fly a kite, brudder?"

ok, there are no kites in these shots...but these photos were taken yesterday after attending a costume birthday party (sea was a ballerina)...they returned with these balloons and i love how sea is flying (spinning) in these shots...then this morning she handed her brother one of the balloons and she took the other and they ran through the house "flying kites"...we've been at the beach all day and i'm too exhausted to write much else...have i mentioned how much i love my life? scroll down to catch all of them...

olive tree part 3

hmm...my talented artist friend and neighbor julie invited me to to join a photography collaboration where participants took photos of a tree in the summer (week of august 23), fall (week of november 8) and then the third and final photo in the spring (week of april 4...woops...i appear to be a couple weeks late on this final contribution)...you can see her instructions for the collaboration as well as her final photo which i just realized was taken down the street from us at a nearby park.

i really enjoyed taking this series of photos. i will quickly summarize my angle or analysis of the previous two photo shoots:

olive tree part 1
photos from when we first walked through our house (story is only 6 months old in the foreground)...same view taken again last summer...looking out of our living room window at the tree...trunk shot...late afternoon shadows with dark skies...story swinging in the tree (he's too big to do this now!) along with a close-up of green unripe olives...

olive tree part 2
sunset shot with the tree as a silhouette light through the hummingbird feeder, traffic in the background...close up of "fall" leaves changing color...and "fruit" (olives) on the tree...the tree's branches casting shadows in the late day...sea and story posing in low light...more dramatic sunsets...sea posing...

and now for the photos from olive tree part 3 taken this week just before earth day...i'd hoped to post them ON earth day but, well, i'd hoped to do this a couple weeks ago, too...

it had just rained...as sunny and blue as the skies look, i took these shots right in between rain...here is the wet trunk...it started raining again within 20 minutes or so...
little buds getting ready to grow into olives...
sea posing...
ok, close-up posing...
a few more...story was napping while i took these (sorry he didn't make the last photo shoot!)
full view...
sea dancing around...
and i'll leave you with a couple yoga moves...


thanks for following our family living in and around this lovely olive tree! special thanks to julie for the challenge...looking forward to the next one! now go check out her blog and sign up for an online class or just be inspired by her work!

playgroup gardening

today christina, one of the awesome moms in the monday playgroup i belong to offered to host playgroup at her house (we usually rotate parks)...it was rainy and cold earlier this morning but san diego really does want to be sunny all the time so by the time we got there it was quite warm...enough so that the kids spent most of the time helping her garden...the moms got to enjoy her homemade, delicious and healthy ethiopian food that included a cold lentil salad, warm flavorful lentils, cooked collard greens and a potato, carrot tumeric hash of sorts...so good together with the spongy "bread"...there were a lot of fun potluck items like fresh mango, homemade guacamole, flax seed and vegetable chips...i missed out on some homemade hot tea which i really should have asked for (christina offered but was so busy...i arrived late and she had already cooked and served everyone and hadn't eaten herself so i let it go)...but i always feel badly for hosts on events like this...we come and trash their house with way too many toys and then food and dishes...of course i justified i needed to go get story down for a nap but really i should have started cleaning early enough to help...off to cook dinner but i'll leave you with some photos...



looking for rolly pollies....




feeding friends chocolate bunny crackers...



they put the rolly pollies they found in the wheel barrow...