reflections on art, research, mommyhood and individuals

it is 6:30 a.m. on a sunday. i should not be up. i did not want to be up. but we co-sleep and my children and dog and cat were all competing for who went where and i found myself unable to go back to sleep. maybe it is because i have a lot on my mind. have had a lot on my mind. things i'm working through and trying to figure out...about myself, my family, my place in my world. i don't think my blog concept is that unique and wish i had a better blog title but really "mommy's journey" pretty well describes what this blog is about. when i started thinking about blogging i was really conflicted about my role as a stay-at-home mom. i didn't know any role models, felt part of my identity was tied up to making a difference as a teacher and was worried i would miss the process of learning and keeping my mind engaged with adults at the college level. really i think one of the bigger issues (perhaps a life long issue for me) was balancing dependence and independence. i've always prided myself in being so independent and not "needing" others yet i am so social and enjoy people...on my depressive down days i wish i didn't push myself away and could allow myself more dependence...in fact, i didn't even see the value of dependence until i met my husband...and then again when i had children i was glad they wanted to be dependent on me more than i wanted to foster independence in them (which i think comes naturally when you feel secure)...

anyway, i digress...i really wanted to write about art...so i'll start with a photo from last year's art show at sea's school. i led the "famous artist" lesson and chose monet's sailboats for at least a few reasons 1) my dad loved sailboats and they remind me of him 2) monet was one of my favorite artists as a child 3) sea loves the water and i wanted to see her paint a sailboat

most of the children in her class went with the traditional blues/greens/turquoise with white accents for their primary colors but true to sea's individual nature (and love for the color) she went with an orange sky and an orange sailboat. i love this about her. she can trust herself and go with what she sees or imagines without following the masses (at least artistically!)

this next picture was taken at last year's family art night at sea's school. i have taken over the art corps coordinator position for the school so i will be in charge of this event next year...here is sea giving a "thumb's up" which also reminds me of my dad (he used to do this both to encourage us growing up and also to say "right on!" when he was happy like sea is doing here)...

i met with one of the co-founders of the art corps program (they are professional artists who come to sea's school and lead workshops to teach parents age appropriate art lessons that build on one another...they teach a concept about art and tie it into famous art work so the children are learning both and then get to try to concept on their own art once a month...the parents take the workshop and then teach the lesson in their child's classroom...i taught most of the kindergarten and 1st grade lessons in sea's class and loved it!). i'm really excited to be the face of this program on campus. it will be my job to  get families excited about art at the school...i will do this with a booth at the ice cream social before school, the 1st day of school, the first open house and then have an art corps orientation where people can learn more about art. then i need to be sure there are enough parent volunteers both to lead and assist all the lessons in all the classes...advertise and sign people up for two family art nights sponsored by the PTA, and organize matting of one piece of art per 500+ children in the school for the art show at the end of the year. this is a very parent involved school which is good in many senses but difficult when they have competing agendas for what is most important. i'm hoping to convince them art should be one of the top priorities at the school...one way i am hoping to go about this is to look up research showing how art helps children in school...both academically (they care about things like test scores and grades that are not high priorities to me) and psychologically and personally just how art enriches people's lives (more important to me).

i came from a very academic background growing up (there was a well known medical school, dental school, physical therapy, nursing, etc. in our community where many of the parents worked and these occupations were definitely encouraged over anything artistic). i've always loved art. even when i got a "c" in it in 3rd grade and decided i wasn't very "good" at art i still loved it. i remember taking some personality test in middle school where they asked what type of people you would most want to hang out with at a party and i always chose artistic types as my number one choice even though most of my friends were social people types (my 2nd choice) and i fancied myself a nerdy analytical thinking type (3rd choice).

it is hard to balance the contrasting sides of myself...i love the author anne lamott both because she is really funny and an awesome writer, but more importantly for me because i can relate with her feeling drawn to very liberal and out of the box things yet feeling God and spirituality are equally important (there aren't too many of my hippy type friends who embrace the importance of God in their life...most of them are atheists)...she writes a lot of autobiographical material i can also relate with on her own journeys as a mother...she has a attachment parenting style like mine that i can also relate with...

wow, this post is all over the place. i originally felt motivated by writing about art...yesterday i attended a baby shower for a mom of one of sea's "students"...we became friends last year...she was always really involved at the school and showing up with personalized artistic gifts and homemade cupcakes for various holidays throughout the year. on top of our personal connection of caring about our children and both being involved in the classroom, she is an accomplished artist. our children have the same birthday. i'm not sure how much astrology weighs into everything but they are both leos (july 23rd birthday) close to the watery sign of cancer so they have a strong willed side but are also artistic...

anyway, i met one of her friends who is also an accomplished artist and we were talking about the difficulties with being a mommy and balancing this with other things we are passionate about or just wanting to get away sometimes. i totally get that! i've been reflecting on that idea since i spoke with her. i think i have finally come to a place in my life where i can give up parts of myself to embrace other parts. and i don't feel like i have to give them up forever. my children are 4 and 7. my youngest only has one year left with me before he is off to school and i will have a lot more free time. i want to embrace these unscheduled days of playing with blocks, reading books, making "maps" (he just recently got into making his own art), riding bikes, running in the grass and chasing and/or trying to fly kites. i have a lot of analytical and "deeper" ideas inside of me but right now, at this place in my life, i need to embrace the simpler experiential "moments" of my life...

this rambling is bordering on incoherent so i will end this post shortly and head back to my mommy duties including cleaning out the car of all sandy beach gear, making breakfast, wrapping birthday presents and packing to head out of town to a cousin's party...

but i wanted to include the idea of research (this idea isn't as out of the blue as it sounds...i was reading about research on education on a homeschool group e-mail this morning in bed)...looking at who you influence...groups or individuals...i studied psychology in college and graduate school...pre-kids i loved research and wanted to read and conduct my own to try and "prove" or at least show the probabilities for various things. when i was a teacher i liked that i was influencing many people every semester and i imagined life on a more global scale and how i could influence groups of people. now that i am a stay-at-home mom, my life is much simpler and my world is much smaller. but this is a good thing. i am more concerned with how i influence my children and the impact on the individual (myself and my family) versus groups.

in a different time and place my focus may be elsewhere (though i doubt i will ever give up the importance of my influence on my children...and their influence on me)...but for now i am happy where i am, doing what i am on this mommy journey...

"just write" #1...link in on extraordinary ordinary

i've written this idea many times...the idea that i just need to write more than anything else. more than the content, more than the outcome, more than the reason, more than the time i have to do so, more than how good it is, more than who reads it, etc. etc. and now heather, from one of my favorite blogs of all time, the extraordinary ordinary, is challenging her readers to "just write" and link back up on her blog every tuesday. here is her description of what to freely write about:

"Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!"

you can add your link and join me here.


***ADD A COMMENT ON MY POST IF YOU ARE LINKED AND I'LL READ YOURS :)

free association has always been the best way to describe my writing. in fact, free association was one of my first labels since i couldn't think of a better way to describe what many of my posts were about. it is also a psychological term and my educational background is in psychology. i was a psychology professor before i became a full time stay-at-home mommy. so i included heather's instructions because i can easily write about the thoughts/feelings i have, the details of my day, observations, etc. the difficult part of this challenge for me will be "try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post"...in fact, i was thinking if i ever had enough readers to come up with my own challenge i would have the opposite "just analyze"...like pick a topic/problem/issue in your life and analyze it through as many different angles as you can think of...then link up and get feedback from other readers...i think some of the most personal blogs are the most interesting. in fact, i have very few readers but when i titled a recent post "irritable and moping" which isn't that personal, i more than doubled my readers on that post. unfortunately the post itself wasn't that interesting. even now as i type this i think i should go edit/add/change the content...but i rarely remove much of what i write...what i'm getting at is often in the middle of all the rambles and can't be reduced down. my husband on the other hand can say what he means in very few words. both in conversation and in writing. and i think there are pros and cons to both approaches. we balance one another in that way. we are also both nerdy and feel understood by few (fortunately each other)...my previous post touched on this idea briefly...

i feel like i'm stalling...waiting for inspiration or the nugget i was thinking about as i went to bed that connects to so many other ideas...i'll get there...but wanted to ask a question of any readers i may have...i currently have a google blogspot account that is 90%+ at its max. i haven't yet figured out what that means and what will happen when i do max out (i assume this is from the many photos in my posts). but i'm prepared to pay for my blog and commit to it on a deeper level (as evidenced by my willingness to pay for it). i thought i just went to one place and tried to register a domain name but when i tried to do that this morning i found several hosts (am i using the right terminology?) and also have questions like how to have all the features on google...i briefly read about wordpress and that sounds like the answer there...any suggestions on how to transfer my 4 years of blogging into a new site and which host to use? i don't have many readers to transfer there so i can have a fresh start without worrying who i will lose, but i don't want to lose anything i've written (or comments on posts) or any of my photos. is there a max to how many photos total or data for that matter you can put up on a domain? do you pay extra for that? 

so no more stalling...i have 15 minutes to get some content down so i can start getting my daughter sea ready for school. last night as i was reflecting on what i wanted to blog about i was thinking about this very idea of "just writing" about the details of my day and what i thought about. and then i came across heather's blog in my blog roll and realized i really wanted to do it more officially and connect to other people doing it and credit her for bringing us together so you can join, too!

the other reason i decided to connect with heather's challenge is that I LOVE HER BLOG...really, i have no reason to promote her other than she is a blogger i relate with, enjoy reading and she strikes that balance between living in the moment (her blog name embodies that...she appreciates the little ordinary things and sees the extraordinary in them) and finding meaning without trying so hard to do so that she misses the little things or daily life. in fact, daily life and the little things ARE what is most meaningful in many cases...

which reminds me when i was trying to find my niche or voice or what i liked to write about back in high school a teacher once said "truth is stranger than fiction" and what i took from that is writing about things you know can often be more compelling than trying to create something...i've always been more of a non-fiction writer so that made sense to me. i also mentioned my psychology background and how i just naturally analyze...usually myself more than others, but i'm always looking for hidden meanings or trying to figure out how things relate.

last night i was also reflecting on my struggle with depression and how people seemed to want to read a post about struggling..."misery loves company"...or maybe people just like to feel like "my life, my problems aren't THAT bad..." for example, my mom has hoarding tendencies so the show "hoarders" is very refreshing to her because she can feel like she isn't a hoarder watching it...

i also just think people are more HUMAN when they are comfortable sharing their weaknesses. from a psychological standpoint the idea that disclosure leads to disclosure. so if i share something personal about myself you are much more likely to share something about yourself than if i keep our interaction very surface level. or if i encourage you to talk about personal things about yourself, you somehow feel closer to me like i "know" you better...i can see how getting readers and comments on your blog could be very cathartic in this way.

so back to the sad ideas i was reflecting on last night...i was thinking how when i attend funerals i rarely care about the general descriptions given "he/she was kind, generous, loving, etc."...what really chokes me up are the small descriptive details of people's lives...examples of things they said or did...the same holds true for blogs...when bloggers write about minutia of their daily life i can often relate with what that means even without them having a theme or describing what they are trying to do by writing about those details. i think this is partly what heather is getting at with her challenge. the idea that we can all relate on the very human and personal aspect of these details.

well my 15 minutes are up and i didn't even get to the small details of yesterday...one of the ideas i was hoping to touch on occurred when i went to java mama, i cafe designed so children could play in a play area while moms eat/drink/work/hang out. this concept worked well when my children were younger. really it worked fine yesterday in the sense that my children enjoyed playing...wearing dress up, zooming around on a small car, role playing with toys and other children...what struck me, though was how my children are no longer toddlers. this shouldn't be shocking considering they are almost 4 and 6. but somehow i just thought children universally continued to enjoy songs like "the wheels on the bus" and "hokey pokey" (i didn't really think this...just was surprised how far past this my children are).

i always thought i wanted to have a big family...always wished i had a brother, more siblings. i had hoped to provide my children with this until i had two very spirited, active, intense children. i can't keep up with them. i know someday they will channel this energy into something positive (and they often do now) but i'm often mediating between them with each other, with other children, with adults and it can be exhausting. i've said "i only have two hands" and that i need one for each child (literally and figuratively)...yet when i hang out with first time moms, friends with only one child younger than mine, or even friends who have their third, i somehow get a little jealous of the opportunity to start over. have a fresh start. make different decisions how i interact with my children, what activities we do, what i notice. because really i don't have too many regrets what i did or didn't do...my regrets are more about not BEING THERE in the moment...PRESENT...and not trying to take photos or write about it, but experiencing it. so i will leave on that note. an ever present reminder to myself of how i hope to live. noticing and experiencing the details...the extraordinary ordinary as heather would say.

i just got back from taking my daughter to school...stopped, LITERALLY to let my son observe (not smell) a brilliant orange red iceland poppy opening up...check out some christmas light decorations...i've posted this blog post on blogher and facebook...hard to put myself out there without feeling i should be adding/editing/writing disclaimers (like this one)...so as i sip my extra strongly brewed sumatra coffee in warmed egg nog and listen to the "paul simon" station on pandora, making breakfast of gluten-free pancakes, hash browns and scrambled eggs...i'll reflect on what else i'd like to add in observations about the little things in my day :)

today's goal (tomorrow's blog post) is to write my holiday letter...look over last years photos...hopefully i'll write a post with representative photos from all 12 months of last year...we'll see how much time i have...

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

"cindergordin"

i've really had trouble with balance lately...wanting to put my family and being in the moment before others or this blog or not to worry more about recording life over living it...signing up for nablopomo doesn't help...i know it usually only motivates me to get on here and then i resent when days go by i HAVE to make time for this blog but am not feeling it...or at the expense of my family...

i feel like i'm coming to a cross roads or pivotal milestone or time of change or something like that for my daughter, sea. she just turned 6 the end of last month...but something about not being able to count her age all on one hand...not having the "play based" kindergarten...i'm not sure what the difference is, but i feel it. or maybe i'm projecting it onto her from my own experiences at her age...i know when i studied child development in my psychology classes they talked about how impressionable the first five years are...am i losing my influence on her now? i'm over-analyzing all this but she is worried about something, too. the last few weeks she will bring up how she doesn't want to go to school. i try to calmly ask her why and find out what she is worried about and she usually says something about wanting to stay home with me...that she can always do home school instead. it is true, i have told her if school doesn't work out that we can do that...i just haven't figured out what the criteria is for not working out...i've told her she needs to at least give first grade a chance.

i adored her kindergarten teacher. i think the only thing i could have adored about her more is if she had been warm and fuzzy and emotional and touchy feely but those qualities probably would have been at the expense of some of her characteristics that really worked for sea and our family like her strength, security, forceful nature...she is passionate in her beliefs and has the integrity to do what she believes in over the wishes of the school, district, state, etc. that kept shoving "worksheets" at her...she insisted on hands on learning, letting children play, move, be children, learn at their own pace, learn through art, music, dance...and by golly sea learned to read even when we did no homework and my only goal was for her to enjoy being a child and play...i have been looking for a similarly minded 1st grade teacher and unfortunately with budget cuts they've moved people around and i don't know who we will get...i know sea is strong, adaptable, secure, enjoys learning...she'll probably do fine with more structure and even with homework. but i think we are both worried. i asked her last night to tell me more about kindergarten. i was hoping if she could tell me about her experiences from last year i might get a feel for how that might contrast with her expectations for 1st grade. so maybe tomorrow i'll ask her to make me a book about 1st grade.

here is what she wrote about "cindergordin" (i love her phonetic spelling and that her teacher encourages it and doesn't try to correct it so they will try on their own):

"we dra thans awt of shaps"
"we mac sure (can't read how she wrote that) evryone is he rit now"
"we do reses thas the fonist ever now" (richard scarry reference with the "best __ ever")
"we pat (paint) ik"
"we do math"
"bot i do not like skool" (love her arms crossed and colored in for emphasis)
"i like to sta hom"
i believe we are hugging each other in this last drawing...i really want to hold on to her "too" tightly (we say things like i love you "too much" when we really like something)...not sure how to let go enough to let her thrive and find her own way when there is so much i want to influence and be a part of...

fact or fiction? nablopomo commitment

i've committed to nablopomo and posting every day for the month of august. the theme is "fiction" which is an odd choice for me to commit to as my focus is all about reality and the everyday mundane/meaningful details of LIFE...i have so much material with that alone i don't even have space left in my head to come up with fiction...i've always preferred recording/observing/analyzing what is...or what could be, was...though i view myself as creative and imaginative which i suppose are some of the qualities fiction call on...maybe instead of looking at it as something made up i can look at it as a challenge to get in touch with my imagination; look at the world through my children's eyes...tell them more stories about fairies and flying...or try to read more...i started the catcher in the rye the other day at the beach...classic book i never read...i liked how it was written in 1st person, the author commenting on his youth and observations...i could READ more this month...

the writing prompt for today is "what is your favourite book?"...i can never commit to ideas like this...have to give up so many others to settle on one...i've been reading several parenting books, my favorite philosophically (and really, in practice) is unconditional parenting which is a post for another day...the short story that changed my life or at least most influenced me during a pivotal time in college days was henry james' "the beast in the jungle"...i just read the amazon reviews...agree that i do not relate with nor like his style of writing...he is wordy the way he gets ideas down but if you can get through that, it is worth the time...i'm not going to comment any more on the content and how it affected (and continues to affect) me but for simplicity, it calls into question how you live your life, what you value and how your decisions embrace or run from these ideas...i want to stop running and embrace more! :)

right now my children are eating their rocket popcicles...lemonade and orange mango juice frozen in pops...they have requested we make chocolate ones later today...they are zooming their rockets around, story is hugging his baby "jonathan"...now trying to feed him some popcicle..."somewhere over the rainbow" is playing on pandora..."rocket ship going so fast" story calls out and spins around and around...i really would prefer to write about these things as they slip through my fingers so quickly...

sea is requesting a playdate with calvin before he moves away...this photo of story reminds me of her little friend with his big sunglasses and the glee of summertime...off to fill our day...

all the busy details of a week of summer

this first photo was taken at sea' new art class at our friend emily's house...it was monday afternoon after a 14+ hour marathon for her birthday at the beach (future post) and she really wasn't into it but she still managed to carefully color this entire large picture with a blue sky background...i believe we met up with her "student" aiden and his family at the pool that night...i made bean and cheese burritos for everyone and his mom brought chips, salsa and very yummy ripe peaches along with homemade cupcakes...tuesday escapes me at this point...i know story went without a nap and fell asleep sitting upright on the couch shortly after dinner...
tuesday night manuel was going to go to a little music concert, cold cave, at the casbah, a small club 3 blocks from our old apartment downtown...as he was about to leave he realized we have a friend temporarily living with us and she could watch s and s while we BOTH went...we so rarely get babysitters...i was tired but excited...story was sound asleep since he hadn't had a nap that day...sea was going to go to sleep but then realized we were going to leave (we didn't explain this idea to her as well as we normally would...we are usually very honest and up front about everything we are doing/intend to do with our children)...so she jumped out of bed and started crying that she didn't want us to go...we asked her why since she usually asks us to get a babysitter! and she said "because i LOVE you mommy and i'm going to MISS you..." to which manuel changed his mind and said "ok, sea, never mind...nothing is more important than you and we will stay..." (i'm overly simplifying this conversation, but that was the gist...the trouble wasn't that we were leaving but just that we hadn't prepared her or explained that possibility well enough) to which she sucked in breaths and said "no, i want you to go..." but she was still sniffling...we asked her if a video would cheer her up (i try not to let them watch much tv/movies) and she said "maybe?" and then we put a richard scarry compilation on and she was fine...so we decided to go! it was awesome...so nice just the two of us...i felt like a young 20 something again...possibilities in front of us, love for music, togetherness...we didn't have tickets and the show was sold out...but we waited patiently and sure enough, manuel's good luck led to the guy collecting tickets coming over to us during the 2nd opening act and saying "hey, you guys are the only ones still waiting, i'll let you in..." we even managed to get right next to the stage...literally, i was at the far left end on the corner leaning against the stage...great vantage point to watch the entire band and wesley eisold came within inches of my face...singing his heart out...so intense, so much feeling, so believable...we talked about how raw he was, how much he shared of himself, vulnerability, connecting with his audience, etc...we both shook his hand after the show and thanked him...i literally jumped on wikipedia late that night to read about him...we have the same birthday...he's felt misunderstood, write poems...his music is some cross between say morrissey and punk? i like the dramatic ballady stuff more than the angry electronic stuff...anyway, he is also good looking so manuel was joking how i had a little crush...

wednesday (yesterday) was ridiculously over-booked but in a good way...one of my good friends from college days (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding and we lived together after college) sister ashleigh lives down here in san diego. she reminds me of a cross between myself (i even think we look a little bit alike) and her sister brandie...she just had a baby susana...they came over for breakfast...i felt surprisingly together...house fairly clean, even floors vacuumed, made an easy meal with make your own frozen GF pancakes (kids put butter, syrup, almond butter, whip cream, bananas, peaches, cinnamon, etc. on top) and scrambled eggs...ashleigh and i sipped our french press sumatra coffee with vanilla flavored coconut creamer and actually got to talk for a little while...our 4 children played fairly well together...especially when pablo the kitten let them wrap him in blankets in a baby stroller (i was enjoying our conversation too much to get a photo of this)...
next we packed up a quick lunch/snack of PBJ, apples, bananas, crackers, seaweed and juice boxes and headed to the neighborhood park to meet sea's "student" steven and his mom. sophia and i worked well together on various class projects in kindergarten and i really like her a lot as a person so it was nice to catch up and have adult time while the children zoomed around the park on their bikes (sea has only been riding a few days and was able to keep up with steven who is almost 7 and been riding for awhile! my little tomboy!) and story on his scooter...helmets too big...i was apparently so caught up in the moment i didn't even take any photos! a good thing i suppose...next the children collected leaves and sticks and played together creating things...i felt a little rushed at this point trying to head to the zoo...kids didn't seem to mind too much...we met my childhood friend cara and her daughter bria in the children's section of the zoo...my children could have played there all day! i really need to get more use out of our annual passes...here they are looking up at a loud squacking parrot (story covering his ears from the loud noise)...
story showing bria how to be dangerous...
sea finding another animal (a sloth)...story is nursing on my lap as i type this and he is pointing to the photo saying "those animals can bite" which was one of the qualities he and sea were looking for as they zoomed around the zoo...quick free associating aside...i used to over-relate with sloths as a child...felt big and slow and lazy and a little sad...glad my daughter doesn't overly focus on these details of life for now...
after playing on the "grayground" (what they used to call playgrounds) at the zoo bria wanted to go to the petting zoo...sea was spinning around and around and didn't want to come...she said something about being too big for the petting zoo...now that she is 6 i'm realizing she is getting too big for some things which made me sad but she humored me and came in and tried to be interested in petting a few animals...anyway, here is story next to a goat...
now it is thursday and i have so much i need to do! i could almost write my to do list here to show how random it is and how life can be busy without even scheduling anything...i'm aware this list will take several days but i usually over-list so i'll feel motivated i need to get on it because there is so much to do (yes, my intrinsic motivation isn't quite where i'd like it to be!)

--take kyra for a walk
--upload photos for photo books i have to complete by the 31st
--call marci to tell her we aren't coming out to see a cinderella play at the redlands bowl
--look into mary "puppet" (poppins) tickets for a play coming here to SD (their friend iris liked this in portland and s and s are really into this movie)
--pick up stronger (possibly toxic?) less natural (hopefully effective?) flea and tick meds for both kyra and pablo
--pick up 2 hummingbird feeders (we have some angry birds who are upset both ours broke and they haven't been fed for over a week...i always look forward to watching them hover around the olive tree and eat...and i want one in front of sea's bedroom window, too) and a dog bone for kyra who has been chewing on too many things
--put photos on a disk to take to costco...get ink filled for printer
--print out coupon for michael's and look for summer sales/get photo book
--check if CVS has put summer stuff on sale yet to get favors/beach supplies for sea's party next year
--pay bills online/mail mortgage payment
--organize sea and story's rooms/closets (toys in their right bins)
--make appt with applecare to have computer backed up to 2nd external hard drive (definitely for another day)
--clean out the kitchen cupboard so like items are together
--figure out how much deb owed on ana's shower so i can contact her/deposit check
--go through all paperwork so i know what i need to do in the future and can get rid of now (or actually do now instead of filing for a later date)
--get sea to write thank you notes for few gifts opened...open gifts from 1st co-op and write those thank yous...

we are meeting up with the members of our first co-op for one last coronado storytime/playdate in the park before calvin/sarah/family leave...i feel like i can't get enough photos/hold onto enough memories/stop time...not sure what i'm trying to do here but it seems like i'm trying to repair some childhood issues at the same time as dealing with this loss :(

no time for reflection/analysis...obviously too much to do today! sea is still sleeping at 8:23 a.m. and story has been nursing this whole time...pablo asleep on my purse on the desk by me...kyra asleep on the chair behind me..."one magic trick" by m. ward just came on pandora (kids love singing this song in the car)...story looked up from his "mummgies" to smile at me in recognition...

wow, i feel really good about how many details i got down on here! definitely representative of how busy our summer has been...hoping to slow down and just BE...enjoy my time with my children...someone recently asked me if i was going to put story in preschool and i just sort of looked at them blankly like i didn't understand the questions...honestly i'm so loving being home with them and i know in a couple years he will be off to kindergarten and it will feel like a couple minutes...story just grabbed my chin and turned my head saying "aahhh, look at pablo..."

off to be with them...

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...

MPT #5 3rd grade: the world doesn't revolve around me

here is my 3rd grade class photo...i'm the 5th person from the left on the top row...

oh man, my 'procrastination, wait until the last minute sabotage' style of doing things that are important to me is already shining through in my "late" details of third grade. i've been trying to figure out why i waited so long and didn't come through on this...i suppose it is because up until 3rd grade my life was pretty idyllic and sugar coated and i was an optimist who believed my world was perfect. nothing really that traumatic happened to me (and now i feel badly for those who did read my lack of post and commented their interest was piqued!) but as i thought back to the major theme from this year, this is when i first remember experiencing depression. and anxiety. and disappointment. and feeling left out. and that my dreams might not come true.

contrast this with my constant need for attention (and successfully achieving it) along with the belief that i was special and important and going to do something big in my life...my narcissism began early thus the idea "the world doesn't revolve around me" which i didn't believe, but it was my first taste that my life might not work out the way i'd dreamt or believed...allow me a little free associating and analysis here...i suppose it is symbolic and noteworthy that part of what i was taught growing up was the importance of APPEARANCE...in how i look outwardly but more importantly in my family, to appear happy as more important than actually experiencing happiness...that sounds harsh and of course that was never explicit but i just felt like sadness or anger were never acceptable emotions and from an early age i learned to pretend everything was alright and bottle my negative emotions...

...so to connect these dots, i suppose i don't even want to address these negative memories and feelings in this post even though that is the most vivid memory i have from this age...

i'm rambling around the idea i'm trying to get at...basically what i recall most distinctively from third grade was that i didn't like the teacher very well and she didn't like me and would single me and my friend cara out. cara's mom was much more confrontational than my parents (remember my family liked to pretend like everything was alright or avoided conflict whenever possible) and ended up pulling cara out of this class. so my memory wasn't even about not liking the teacher; it was the trauma of having my best friend and security moved to another class...i would watch her laughing and making new friends and felt very abandoned and rejected and like i had "lost" someone very dear to me...i was desperately looking for someone i could attach to, connect with, feel understood and loved and then i felt like i "got" this in 2nd grade and lost it the next year. this happened about the time my study in psychology shows depression might show up anyway, so i'm not making this causative per se...

hmm...i think maybe i should have labeled this post more about depression instead of about the world not revolving around me...i guess even though i had a younger sister born when i was 3, i managed to still get most of the attention anyway. my neighbors 5 years or so older than me really built me up to be so brilliant and have so much potential and i felt adored, loved, special to so many people before 3rd grade...i guess the loss of my friend cara was the first experience i had of not being able to control everything in my life. that i couldn't manipulate everyone into giving me my way or creating the life i imagined.

this was also the year i got a "C" in art ?! sorry, i'm still upset about that...i have always loved art and though i never thought i had a talent in it per se, it was such a blow to get only "satisfactory" instead of "excellent" or whatever i believed i should have gotten at that age. really i don't think art should ever be graded...fortunately i didn't let my love for art go because of this. i think i would have gone into an art field if i'd been encouraged, though...

it is late and i've lost my ideas...i'll try to finish this post tomorrow night and appreciate your patience if you are checking back!

**11/07 update: i still don't have the energy to write more about 3rd grade but did add a little present day perspective in today's post...i won't make any promises about finishing this but may be inspired the day i'm writing 4th grade! :) **

this is the 5th in a series recording my childhood through mommy's piggytales (MPT)
i'll be writing about 4th grade the end of next week so i need to finish these ideas up in the next few days! thanks for your patience as i deal with these psychological hang ups i obviously still haven't sufficiently worked out!

how do you know if you are crazy?

i thought that would be a catchy title! ha! but the funny thing is tonight in our reunion planning committee meeting i was actually reflecting on this idea...we decided to add a link on our reunion website entitled "gossip" just to be kind of a hook to get people to see what is written there and then just poke fun of ourselves (the committee members)...as we brainstormed on what information to put there, we were cracking ourselves up and just kept disclosing more information about ourselves...it was kind of a group therapy session of sorts...

as i was driving home, chatting with my husband and asking him if he thought i was crazy (then? now?) and how i never really thought i was crazy at the time he said something like "i think that is one of the defining aspects of craziness, you don't realize that you are" which got me thinking about the genetic component and whether you could be "crazy" at one point and not be crazy now (which is how i feel)...i remember talking to a therapist back in the day about how "crazy" my mom was (using the term loosely and not clinically) and how afraid i was that i was crazy and how i took an MMPI and when my therapist interpreted it he told me i was elevated on several crazy scales but based on my high honesty scores and something else (?) he interpreted this to mean i was AFRAID of these things and not actually that way? interesting...

anyway, i'm off to update our 20 year reunion website and blog there, too. (drop by and give me feedback on that, too if you are up for it...) if you want a quick synopsis of one of the "crazy" stories from high school, i'll share a quick story that still cracks me up...i was "obsessed" with this one guy and got a job at a cafe a few houses down from his house. i used to do "drive bys" regularly to see if he was home, what he was doing, etc...i also worked as a medical transcriptionist and one day i was typing up a patient's progress notes and he was telling the psychiatrist i worked for how one of the members of the office staff was "stalking" him...i read more in his chart, curious who he was referring to and why he thought this...at first i thought it was just because his diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenic that he would think that...until i saw his home was RIGHT NEXT to the guy that i HAD been stalking! ha! how funny is that to make someone already paranoid believe their fears because they are there reality?

ok, that is all for now...maybe i'll actually have time to check out some of your blogs tonight (it has been way too long) but if you read this, i'd love your comments on how/why you think people are crazy. i could give many more details on why i am...:)

20 year h.s. reunion planning brainstorm

did you go to yours? think you will or will not? why? this is my school i.d. card from my freshman year (1986-1987) of high school (not sure why it is so small...bad scan?)...my son is about to wake up from his nap so i'll have to edit this post later but here are some of the things i'm thinking about:


• Finding as many students as possible and then sending them all
o a “why you should attend your 20-year h.s. reunion”…second chances, moving beyond h.s., getting resolution, connecting your past, understanding more about yourself, etc.
o questionnaire about what they would like included in this reunion…why they would come, how much they would be willing to spend, any special talents or resources they’d like to contribute i.e. riza music…I can take photos…recruiting students to start sending photos for the slideshow and program
• Program/update on students
o Welcome from the committee plus a little “remember yesterday, live today, hope for tomorrow” pep talk on connecting with our history and looking forward to our future potential
o Weekend plan, details, directions, cost
o List of students and page in ABC order
o Map of where we live
o Contact info (maiden and married names, kids, etc. city, state, phone, email, web, fb yes or no?)
o Fb-like “info” mini bio of what you have been up to/care about since h.s.
o Summary of your impression of high school (there is one on fb) and how you are similar or different now
o Random school memories (we will edit out ones that might hurt someone’s feelings?)
o Why you would or would not come to the reunion…what you’d like to know about, resolve, rekindle
o Photos—first of h.s. or earlier and then current
o Anything unique you want to add about yourself we never knew about you in high school…something you’ve done, are in to, about your personality, etc. details…goals or predictions for yourself in the next 10 years…
Weekend details
• Friday
o School tour
o Meet up for dinner with friends
• Saturday lunch picnic
o Cheap food…haystacks, cookies and drinks (making a pot of beans, Costco…determining a price)
o Kids get to play at a park while we catch up in a casual setting
• Saturday formal dinner
o Location…per/person cost
o Slideshow with high school and current photos going in the background (I have some from our 10 year, too)
o 80’s music…karaoke?
o Special music…riza
o Food…buffet?
o Alcohol…bar available
o Photocopies of old school photos as centerpieces on tables
o Table with 12 years of yearbooks, school papers
o Officer summing up memories from high school (general ones most people can relate with)
o Time for mingling
o Child care available on site for an additional fee
o Taking photos of each person attending
• Sunday brunch
o Location? Buffet? Cost?
Tasks I’d be willing to take on
o Sending out a summary letter…why they should come, question about what they’d like included, be willing to spend, etc.
o Creating program
o Recruiting photos
o Taking photos at the reunion
o Advice on negotiating food costs/group deals at sites
Questions/concerns/issues to work out
o Date
o Costs for each
o Priorities..values…i.e. impt of location, food…pros/cons of nicer but less people or vice versa
o Who can help/timing/making a list of tasks and timelines
o Finalize date and events
o Contacting students
o When receive photos, money
o Resources/amount students are willing to spend
o Suggest break the costs up so students can just come to one event i.e. cost lunch, dinner, program, brunch

these are notes from my word document that didn't translate well...i'm taking them to the planning committee meeting tonight...i also sent out the following note on facebook to friends who have already gone to theirs:

theme: remember yesterday, live today, hope for tomorrow

i like the concept of cycling back around...resolving issues from the past...of course i'm also applying for kindergartens right now for my daughter, sea, so i'm thinking both backwards and forwards while wanting to be in the now...

so i'm tagging you in this note in hopes you either attended your 20 yr and/or can give me insight into why you did or did not attend...why? do you wish you had? hadn't? why? i feel these reunions hold something for many people and the more people who go, the more resolution to be had...like it is part of our history, part of us, especially since we didn't typically choose this part...it still shaped us. some of us have evolved into such different people; some of us miss parts of that care-free, simpler life with all that youth and naivety offer; some of us wish we'd embraced that chance to take more risks, be young when we had less responsibilities; some of us hated high school and some of us felt we were at our prime; some of us had something to prove to someone; some of us always held onto hope for that first love; some of us don't think anything about high school and feel no reason to return; some of us are intrigued by the little we know about a lot of people from our past on facebook; some of us finally figured out who we are or what matters to us and are excited to share this with others; some of us are still struggling with various issues and ashamed to go before what was already a judgmental group...i see myself in much of what i just listed and am curious why others would or would not attend.

on a related note...i once participated in what i felt was a very cool driving school (is that what it is called when you get a ticket and don't want it on your record?)...the teacher basically said to all of us "look, i don't want to be here either. let's take advantage of this time together and see what we can share of ourselves with one another"...this lead into questions about what we were good at, our jobs, resources, etc. like "i own a car wash and can pass out free coupons" "my parents own a restaurant and you can come by for a free appetizer" "i'm a massage therapist and can give you a free massage" etc. and i was thinking it would be cool to use some of the talents of students to save money on planning our reunion (and give them p.r.) and learn more about what everyone is in to...did any of you do anything like this? how did they do it?

i also think it would be fun to have lots of photos...old school from elementary through high school and then recent ones with families...and questionaires (sp?) similar to those everyone fills out on here...i know there are some high school related ones...but also just general info like where people live, the age and names of their children, hobbies, etc....compiled into little booklets...but i don't want people to feel badly like some people are bragging (similar to xmas letters that go on and on)...how do you feel about this? how do you feel reading former classmate's "info" on fb? would you want to know more info like this on your classmates?

i also want to be sure we have at least one event where our family (kids included) can go and interact with the other children...i was thinking a picnic lunch saturday afternoon at a park with all the kids playing together and then the more formal adult-only dinner that night...did any of your reunions do something like this? how did it work?

those of you who attended...what did you learn? about yourself? your classmates? did you get resolution on anything? am i the only one trying to clean out skeletons or deal with childhood issues in going to this?

what other reasons did you have for going? what did you gain from it? what disappointed you? how could these things have been fixed?

i know some of you even helped with planning...how did you go about making decisions about what to include, how much to spend, how to find people, convince them to come, etc?

more later...