mini-mid-life crisis, focusing on what matters, connecting...chapter 4

this photos was taken on story and sea's first day of 1st and 4th grade.

it has been a year and nearly a month since i last wrote. in some ways i've continued writing in my head, random journals, e-mails, facebook, etc. but it isn't the same. there are many reasons i stopped writing, but i'm not analyzing those for this post. i woke up this morning nearly jumping out of bed needing to write. i had gone to bed next to sea who was crying (and trying to hide her tears, chin up and smile/laugh through it). i had told her it was alright to be sad, her tears were telling her something and i wanted to hear what she was upset about. but she felt like she needed to be strong, in control, above sadness and maybe even be happy for me (one of my childhood issues i had hoped to not pass on to her). she doesn't want me and my m to leave on a trip to berkeley (conference for him) this next weekend and just wanted to "be with me". i have mixed feelings about being needed...independence versus independence...these have been life-long struggles and i think they both are important but in this moment i was alright she felt dependent and wanted to snuggle her 9-year-old body on top of my lap. doing so i realized just how big she has gotten. by big i mean "growing up" and not size, though i realize they go hand in hand. my son on the other hand had been like me with regards to the departure of my parents "can you stay away an extra day?" he was looking forward to the adventure and socializing with mimi, auntie and cousins.

so back to my daughter since this was where my focus was going to bed. we hadn't gotten resolution on her feelings and what we were going to "do" though she got some comfort with the idea maybe they could go ice skating while we were gone. we went to bed with me hugging her and not trying to offer a quick fix. i had been reading J.D. Salinger's daughter Margaret's memoir "Dream Catcher" and over-relating with some of the crazy things from her childhood...mainly the way she dealt with her feelings and slow development of her identity and being true to herself through her desire to please her dad and be a "good girl". the struggle for perfection and the shame of not measuring up...sea had been excited to write a narrative for school..."the adventures across the mountains" in the vein of chronicles of narnia and the hobbit with more fantasy thrown in than i was attracted to at her age (or maybe because i wasn't exposed to it?). i was excited her teacher mr. l, who is very passionate about teaching and looks at his students as his family, had told her he would teach only writing if he could. sea has always loved telling stories through her drawings and reading stories but i've always hoped she would also share my love for writing. not even what she produces, just the experience of writing being part of who you are, something you are compelled to do but brings you great joy/meaning/answers questions...i'm not sure what it does but it is something i must do to be true to myself and i wanted to share this with my daughter at some point. i've been trying to let her be who she is without the pressures of what i hope for her. this writing is all over the place. good thing it is just an un-read blog where i get my ideas down :)

the point i was trying to get at is when i went to bed last night i was thinking about my role as sea's mom, my own experiences of childhood, what i wanted for her and her childhood, lessons of life she could take beyond this incident...and in the back of my head were the ideas about sea loving to write (and missing writing myself) and relating with the memoir i was reading right up until i was too exhausted to stay up any more. so when i woke up this morning i HAD to write. i'm still not clear that i have anything in particular to say, but i've missed this part of myself so much i need to rearrange my other priorities to make it nearer to the top. i also woke up with the idea that sea is almost grown up...not an adult, but almost to the point where she will look to her friends and people outside of me and her dad for answers. she will try to differentiate herself from us and not want to sit on my lap and cry because she will miss me. so i'm on the horizon of a new chapter in our lives.

i was thinking about the mini-mid-life crisis i've been having over the last few months and though i don't want to go into that here (not enough has been resolved...i keep adding more variables in!), i'm sure that will be important blog material if i do allow myself to write more frequently. one of the variables is my struggle with narcissism...from my childhood, in myself, in my husband's childhood, etc. and how not having your own childhood needs met means you limit the childhood your children get become overly focused on oneself. i've had a life long struggle with being someone who genuinely loves helping others, giving of myself quite unselfishly, having a "good heart" as my husband calls it...usually this gets me praise and appreciation and i can find myself through the reactions of others but as a mom and wife over the past few years i realize this giving can mean taking from those you care the most about. not balancing what matters in the pursuit of giving and doing more. so recently i've gotten much better at saying no. and not only being ok with it but HAPPY about it as a sign of mental health and good for the people i'm turning down, too. i tell them i will help them find someone instead of being that someone :) i haven't fully resolved how to be true to myself and my genuinely giving nature while focusing on my number one priority of my husband and children. this will be a huge theme in the near future.

even as i typed that last idea i was aware that subtracted me from my daughter. she is an old soul who thinks about big, existential issues and has a certain confidence she got from both myself and her dad...i'm just worried it is a false confidence and i want her to truly know who she is and be that, not who she thinks we want her to be. i haven't been a very good role model on this. so i feel like i need to fix myself (again, to be perfect) to show her how to be but really more than that i want to show her we all struggle and it is more about HOW you struggle, how you deal with the negative, pain, hurt, sadness and use it to learn something and be true to yourself instead of shutting down, cutting off the pain, trying to be good, perfect, etc. i want to be real with her and show her all sides of myself including the floundering and show her how i get through. i want to connect with her while i do this so she knows i not only have her back, but really want to know HER and be be there through her experiences. i want her to share her secrets and fears with me. i want to listen to her stories both imaginative and real. i want to BE THERE not only being physically present but actively involved and PRESENT, feeling what she is feeling and how i feel in response.

this is getting too psychological and abstract. one positive change i've made in my life recently is exercising more. i feel like i need to get off this computer and go "quick walking" as i call it...nearly as fast as i jog but without the bounce and strain on my joints. i've found i need to go at least 20 minutes, shoot for 30 and if i get 40 it is the golden number for me (back to OCD issues and trying to control things--not sure what this perfect number means really).

i usually try to end an idea by "wrapping it up". i don't really have a wrap up for these ideas and real life mommy, wife, daughter, individual issues i've been struggling with. it is a process. but i suppose i'll try to have a goal instead. i titled this "chapter 4" because i look at my childhood (adolescence, college age and early adulthood) as chapter 1...finding and being ok with who i am...chapter 2 would be my relationship with m and being ok with being connected to someone(these issues are still spilling in to the present chapter)...chapter 3 would be figuring out my role as mom staying home with my children...so i suppose now that they are both in school i am on to chapter 4...i'm not sure what that chapter holds but i'm terming it a "mini-mid-life crisis" because i have to throw a lot out, resolve things i've held on to that don't work, demons i haven't faced, integrating and overcoming my weaknesses, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, focus on what really matters and connect...these are just a few of the ideas in my head before i head off to go on a fast walk. i suppose this post is more of an introduction to what will be than adding on to the end of what is. it feels like i should start a new blog. one that doesn't focus on myself like "mommy's journey" does. but ultimately this is my story. that is the nature of a blog. i can bring other in through what i share and how i connect, but it is still told through my experience. maybe my walk will help me clarify what i'm searching for in chapter 4.

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

MPT #9 6th grade: loss, guilt and training bras

in sixth grade i had ms. fund as my teacher...things were definitely looking up from 5th grade though i notice the polo shirt which probably had a matching pair of baby blue pants with a pink horsie...oh how to avoid those trendy "cool" items with my own child who is already telling me what the kids like and don't like...speaking of baby blue...it was 1983 and 1984 and baby blue was THE color for eye shadow and eyeliner and even mascara...i remember experimenting with this using those magic crystals that grow...my best friend cara and i took them from our class and put them on our eyes in the bathroom...i remember sharing a lot of secrets in those bathrooms, whispering, passing notes trying to figure a lot out during these pre-teen years...i was still very awkward...most of elementary school i remember being too big for my self-confidence...i was one of the tallest girls (or children for that matter) in my grade but quite insecure so i walked in a clumsy way and tripped over my long limbs so-to-speak...i was also a very "late bloomer" wearing training bras when i had nothing to train...

i could check with my mom to get the specific dates/years correct but i'll go by memory about my her parents...i believe my grandma had a heart attack and was in the hospital and then her husband called my mom up in the middle of the night and said he couldn't breathe so my mom said to sit up and she would be right there...she found him dead (i was too young to understand all these details at the time)...that was maybe june of 1983 the end of 5th grade and then they didn't want to tell my grandma he had died because they thought with her heart attack she might not survive the news...i don't remember who told her or how but sure enough she died the following may...here is a photo of them with me and my mom...
i'm not sure if i already mentioned how my mom's mom had more or less resigned herself to never marrying when she literally bumped into my mom's dad going around a corner in the hospital where she worked....he fell in love at first sight and pursued her despite her bitterness and pride and brushing him off for some time and my mom thinks she was a mistake since her mom had her at age 40 or so which was unheard of old at the time...so needless to say they were both born like 1901 or something so they were 73 when i was born and 84 or so when they died...i felt like i never got to know either of them in part because they were both private people who didn't share much of themselves but possibly also the fact that we were really different from one another and didn't understand one another and i was young and hyper and too much for them to handle at their age. anyway, i felt like i really let me grandma down and i remember the day she was buried i wrote her a long letter that i poured out my guilt and sadness over not being a better grandchild...details i still remember like how i wished i'd learned how to sew from her and appreciated the sewing kit she gave me (that lay unused and unopened in my closet)...i tucked this note into one of the flower bouquets on top of her grave and somehow idealized when God came it would still be there and she would read it. i chuckle reading this now but i spent a LONG time feeling so guilty and ashamed and didn't know who to share this with or what to do with these unresolved feelings. i'm sure my parents had no idea. i resolve to encourage my children to share how they feel with me but i'm sure this could happen to them, too. anyway, it is interesting because after my dad died 4 years ago i had similar guilt feelings...why didn't i hug him that last day, conversations i wish i'd had, etc. even though i always tried to live without regrets with him knowing he had a heart condition and could die anytime...this theme continues with other people who have died in my life and i wonder where all the guilt came from? i know one other contributor in group 3 wrote about this if i can find the post maybe we can brainstorm on it more...

so on to lighter brighter memories...i remember being in the school parade...the first purple clown is our friend sarah that we babysat after school...next is my sister and the girl looking the other way with the green around her neck is my dear friend cara...i have the white face and too big smile next to her...

i went over to cara's house a lot and she came over to mine...some specific memories i have through elementary include going up and down the laundry shoot from our 2nd floor to the basement laundry room...climbing through the garbage shoot (my parents had a hole cut in a cupboard so that the large garbage can could fit in the back and you could take the garbage out from outside...nice IDEA but super disgusting dirty inside...i think i was forced to do this when we locked ourselves out one day)...i think i already wrote about riding down the hill leading to our house in a little red wagon using the handle to steer, we also were active in gymnastics and swimming every year and still taking piano lessons without practicing or enjoying it...funny, i LOVED gymnastics even though i was way too tall for the sport and not that good at it...later in acro-sports or whatever it became called they wanted me to be a base instead of climbing up on top and that is about when it was no longer fun and i quit...

here is my dear dog snowflake (i named him) on our front porch...he looked like benji only white...i just learned recently this may be a breed of some sort but as a child i always thought he was a mixed mutt from the pound...
i'm losing steam on this post...saying goodbye to elementary and wishing i had more memories or that i had shared more or that i had done things differently or not been so insecure or appreciated my youth...my dad was always very upbeat, optimistic and seeing the glass half full or the donut instead of the hole or however the saying goes so he did help me appreciate much...i guess i'm thinking about loss and guilt and how those feelings spill over into today and feeling extra sad without my dad right now...this last photo reminds me a lot of him because he loved to walk...i want to say he walked every day (when he wasn't swimming or doing some other exercise that was low impact but moving as quickly as he could with his arthritis and stiff neck from some childhood illness)...i often walked with him and was proud i could walk faster than him from an early age...in part because i had such long legs...anyway, we would take a dirt road up behind our house to the "water tower" with our dog snowflake...here is photo of part of that walk...
life is a journey so i know i have a lifetime of opportunities to appreciate all the little things and make more memories...thank you for sharing these records of my childhood with me. i'm going to try and read all 21 MPT 6th grade posts in the next 24 hours...

i'm recording my childhood through MPT mommy's piggytales writing one year at a time every friday...this friday i'll write about 7th grade...

our good samaritan

yesterday we were running errands, manuel lost his iphone and two random strangers, erica and juan miraculously worked to get it back to us...amazing! we are blessed!

The joy of random notes

i love this photo of manuel with sea, story, and their little baby cousin, meadow...there is so much simplicity and so much joy in so many little things here...i thought it was a great symbol for how i felt this morning when manuel e-mailed me this note:

"Sitting here.
getting ready for CT.
flossing.
Listening to some music.
Looking at the pictures you took with the kids; the ones where see is holding her pink monkey and story has the brown bunny.
And the one, where you are in the middle with story in your lap and sea is draped over your shoulder
And you all look so beautiful and happy."

the little random things like him flossing...brought back times pre-children and even pre-dating when we would exchange random notes/e-mails/letters with one another about little things in our lives which were otherwise not noteworthy but still very US...i love my husband and wanted to include a short tribute to him and to us as i embark on a 13 day countdown until sea starts kindergarten...

looking down, lists and "slippy soup"

i've had ongoing lists running through my mind...haven't had a chance to get them down anywhere where they will get done (and despite this challenge to myself, i can't bring myself to DO something first and then write it on a completed list)...so i remain a slave to lists and circular patterns that hinder productivity...one up side (back to the up theme of may at NABLOPOMO) is i like getting down on this blog all the random things we think about, do, hope to do but never do, minutia i'll likely forget but will be a window into our life at this point in time...

so what is "slippy soup" you may ask? or maybe you figured it out...that is what sea thinks we are saying when we serve her "split pea soup" so we go with it and ask her if she'd like slippy soup...this photo was taken at one of the museums in san francisco on the road trip with my mom in march that we never did get around to blogging about...

this is a totally unrelated idea but i've been free associating a lot in my head and want to get these things down so i can be productive (again, a losing battle cuz i can never get it all down and never have the time to be productive if i do get a lot down)...anyway, the idea that came into my head as i was vacuuming, head down, scanning the hardwood floors for dirt, food, rolly pollies (a lot make it through our open sliding door)...this is a run-on sentence if i've ever seen one! ha! anyway, back to the idea i still haven't relayed to you...the opposite of "looking up" or "looking down"...i do this often in my home in particular...obsessed with having a clean floor...it is a little easier with hardwood than carpet but still a pretty much all day long task...i am not usually all that clean or neat but i joke that my mom thought sweeping the kitchen floor was "spring cleaning" (not really, but it was a low priority to her growing up) and i distinctly remember visiting a neighbor with my mom when i was a little girl and my mom pulled me aside and was whispering in my ear in hushed tones something a long the lines of how neurotic or crazy said neighbor was as she hand washed her floors EVERY DAY and in that moment i determined that i wanted that for myself even if it meant i was crazy...so yeah, that is one of my obsessive cleaning things (i don't have many)...i think psychologically beyond my childhood issues with it i look at clean floors like the clean foundation of all else...like you can have clutter or other things to clean but if the you start with a clean ground you are on the right track...thanks for letting me share this free association on looking down...

now on to my lists...i thought to close this post i would just write out what i had hoped to do this week along with what i've actually done (or not done) so far, to give you an idea of life around here right now...

this past weekend i taught sabbath school and then we went to a birthday party (i hope to do a blog post with photos) for one of the 5-year-old co-op preschool members...sunday we spent ALL DAY at the beach which was lovely and relaxing...so much so that when we came home and got the children bathed and read them bedtime stories, well, we went to sleep with them! that meant sand, wet clothes, picnic baskets, etc. beach stuff needed to be cleaned up the next day...SO...my hopes of making it to a playgroup park day at the park literally down our street didn't happen...neither did my brisk walk...and then a girlfriend called to see if we wanted to meet her and her children (same age as ours) at people's, a health store where we shop and eat healthy vegetarian food together...i thought this would be the motivation i needed to be productive but i just felt overwhelmed, unmotivated and tired all morning...stalled and put off cleaning until it was almost time for story's nap when i was hoping to either sleep with him or have some down time and then i was frustrated the house was such a wreck...on the up side (there's that theme again) the kids played outside in our back yard a LONG time...without throwing rocks on the sidewalk, getting in to the pond, falling over the edge, digging up plants, getting everything but the plants wet...i have all these rules for being outside and i guess they wanted to be out there enough to avoid doing all these things...which was good for me...and them for that matter...i'll have to do a blog post about the mom's network class i attended on the value of the outdoors for children (and people for that matter) and how to get more of it into your life...so, i was happy about that...of course i did end up putting on a video for sea while i slept with story...manuel called in the middle of my nap and i couldn't fall back asleep so i must have done some tidying...

so here we are on tuesday...i had hoped to go to a storytime at a library in coronado that we regularly do on tuesdays...then follow it up with park playtime and a picnic lunch...but again, too much to do...and i really wanted to fit in a walk...so i made them a brief breakfast of bagels, almond butter and honey, bananas...apples...other snacks they could take in the stroller...bribed them with mango popsicles we could buy at the store and they could eat on the way back...manuel had a light morning and came home to be productive for an hour...we cleaned out the hall cupboards and gave away a lot of linens we never use...kids ate lunch and then went outside to play...sea discovered she could fill up a hole with water and slosh in the mud...up her to her chest sitting down...poured it down her hair and back...trouble rinsing off sufficiently made for much more cleaning inside...a bird flew in (twice!) and we moved slowly and directly to urge him/her to fly out the door...story has been napping really long now which means he'll be cranky when he does get up and then up late...but it has been worth it to get these rambling ideas out of my head...sea is drawing stories on typing paper (her favorite medium) with colored markers (her second favorite...she prefers "permanent ink" pens)...i had sea and story talk to their namenee (manuel's mom) on our walk and then auntie missy called awhile back and we caught up on the life of our cousin/niece baby meadow...i'm now stalling going through a lot of paperwork so i should give you a quick summary of the rest of the week and get on that in the moments i have before story wakes up...

the other thing i was going to do today that didn't happen is take the kids to the picture people...if you have one near you, get on their mailing list...you get a free sitting and one free 8 X 10 photo every month or so...we use them for our annual photo of the kids...we've used them since sea was 1...she wore the same pink dress and held the same monkey to compare her growth...i think she can squeeze into this dress this last year (it is a 3T size)...story wore jeans and a white shirt and held a stuffed bunny...if i can figure out how to use my scanner i'll get the age 1, 2 and 3 photos up for sea...

i did pay a couple bills and organize a meals on wheels delivery for a friend that just had a baby...meant to put some beans in a crock pot for cinco de mayo both for this friend's possible meal and co-op preschool. i'm hosting tomorrow and originally we were going to revisit a gardening theme but now i'm going to serve mexican food (and possibly a pitcher of margaritas...just a little for each mom since they have to drive home)...and have the children make mother's day cards. i thought i'd also take a photo of each mom and child to send them as my happy mother's day to them (probably via email since i don't even print out my own photos)...finally i'm going to have the moms switch kids and interview the 4 or 5-year-olds things about their mommy...i did this last year this time when sea was 3 and the answers are funny...maybe i'll do a post comparing 3 and 4...so that basically fills up my wednesday plans (except for running by the nursery for some gardening supplies...maybe little pots, soil and seeds to have the children grow a flower of some sort for mom? i was also going to have them make little 3 X 5 cards that say "sea's sunflower" and have them draw a picture of what is supposed to grow...but i know these won't make it onto popsicle sticks and/or get laminated...)

can you tell i'm back to drinking coffee? :)

we are going to a children's culinary class at a friend's house on thursday. last time we made pizzas and i can't remember what she is going to have them cook/create this week...

friday is typically my cleaning, car washing, laundry, groceries, etc. get ready for the weekend day and then we are leaving for ventura to spend mother's day with my in-laws and the little cousins...

i must make myself go now to be productive but thank you for allowing me this true "journaling" experience that someday hopefully will be interesting to myself or my children about our lives...

random lion photo

i am a bad blogger tonight. i found this random photo of myself as a child sitting on a lion and don't have a story or reason for posting it other than i'm still under the weather and going to bed and just getting in a quick post for NABLOPOMO...i also apologize for not "following" many of my fellow blogger friends recently...i declined hosting co-op preschool tomorrow so we could lay low and catch up so i will have high hopes i'll have more then...

day 2 blog 4 blogging questions and grace

minutes after sea met story for the first time...she is angry and hurt...confused about sharing her world with a new little brother. i am exhausted before i even realize the full meaning of the word but ecstatic at the same time...i got the natural birth i hoped for but more importantly have two healthy children who i love more than i am able to express in words and if i were to try and express this love in actions they would be squeezed to their demise...

so i have loads and loads of material to write about and never enough time. i am happy that i choose to live life and be in the moment with my children when they are awake but i am constantly tired and with this new commitment to blog every day until the end of the year, well...i'm looking for shortcuts. i need to do an entire post on my blogging identity...why i blog, where this blog is leading me, what i've gotten from other bloggers and mommies and what i want to share...

but like i said, that will have to be another post. this post was supposed to be about blogging etiquette and i have a neighbor whose blog i will share (again, in another post) later who photocopied specific tips for me...specifically i am still really learning about my place in cyberspace and allowing others in, joining the community etc. but as many things in my mommy world, even my original intent in this post has now changed...

i need to know how to do a few things if any of you power bloggers, or people who have blogged for awhile, or smart individuals who spent more time figuring these things out can comment to help me out:

1) how do i see how many people are following my blog? is this per post or just the blog in general? i really didn't want to care about this...i have had this blog for almost 2 years and never checked this because i don't want to have that information effect what/when/how i post but one of my power blogger friends asked me to check this before she tells others about my site so she can see how many people checked it out

2) how do i easily thank people for comments? sometimes i am sent to their blog, their profile or just more info about them but no e-mail address to quickly shout out a thanks...i would rather go to them than just comment beneath each comment

3) what are the pros/cons of following people publicly? i would like to let bloggers i follow know i am following them and beyond just commenting on posts i like i am happy to have my photo/profile under "followers" or something if i can figure that out...i just tried to add this to my blog but don't have any followers yet...do any of you use this/know a better way to let people know you appreciate their site?

4) what are things you love about blogging/your blog etc. have learned in the process that you would pass on to others new to blogging?

5) what are things that you would do differently? regret doing? advice you would give to avoid problems?

6) i have about 40 more questions that will have to wait because i'm losing my train of thought and consumed with the idea of grace and how i may run out of time to talk about it and i can find answers to these basic blogging questions later as grace is a much bigger issue...

anyway, a couple posts ago i was frustrated (and a little humored) with both children who could get in to so much trouble in such a short amount of time...after typing up a very quick post on what i thought would get most readers to chuckle or feel just a wee bit sorry for me, instead a blogger i do not know (will have to ask her how she found me) named amanda commented something like "you are more than blessed"...recently my power blogger friend was telling me how you can link back to people who comment and so i clicked on amanda's name trying to learn more about her...i love her blog in general and could comment more on that later, too, but specifically i wanted to leave you with a link to a post she did on grace because i really think i could use a different perspective in my approach to parenting...especially when i'm frustrated.

so bring on your comments and suggestions and regrets and take the extra moment to check out a post on grace...especially if you find yourself easily frustrated with your children...i definitely need to focus on appreciating them more and remember that i AM more than blessed...

day 1 blog 2 woes of a spirited child

i swear i will have no lack of material if i opt to focus on the woes of raising a spirited child...in fact, i was thinking i should just try and have free time (i.e. write this blog) while letting the children entertain themselves...as an example, the following literally happened within a couple of minutes of signing back on:
(i'm cheating by posting an old photo of story covered in food...but this will help you visualize part of my list)

sea bit story. hard. broke skin with a little blood and left deep teeth marks.
sea poured story's lemonade on his head (sprinkling it out of his sippy cup).
sea smeared story's over-ripe apricot all over his face like the work he did himself in this photo.
story found frozen peas in the freezer (that he opened himself) and poured them all over the floor.

i'm glancing over while both children are happily eating peas off the floor (to which i am grateful) and while waiting patiently for more material sea instead sings a pleasant little made-up song like nothing ever happened...story is opening the freezer again so these two minutes are all i can post for now...

p.s. did i mention story's latest word is a dramatic "UH-oh..." to which he gets a lot of practice...

here he is waving goodbye:

"help mama, story is eating ice cream..."

something

i love the hazy quality of this quick shot taken by my sister...sea's eyes draw me in...i want to get lost inside of her sometimes. i had something to write about but it got lost...i didn't write it down while i was driving, packing, waiting, chasing, singing, laughing, calling, eating...wish i was going somewhere with these ideas. i really wanted to blog tonight with both children asleep but instead the night has gotten away from me and i have restless energy and nowhere to channel it. so i just wrote something.

precious moments and precious words

in one of my many journals...to do lists...ideals...i came up with the idea of a blog post of sea and storyisms along with my favorite photo of the two of them from the previous month...i'll label it with "little things" so i can find them all later... if i can get myself to do this the first of every month i should keep up on many of the adorable things they say and do that i swear i must record before i forget...so some of the ones on this list will be old but i feel compelled to get them down anyway...this photo (yes, story is nursing) was taken at the wedding in hawaii...sea was a flower girl and story was a last minute ring bearer but we were busy chasing them and didn't get any good photos of them in action together...honestly i didn't even think of trying to "pose" them together but wish i had in their matching white...

so story is 16 months old. he is at that age where there is an explosion of new words and concepts going on and i'm going to forget them all...yesterday he said "ing-ong" over and over when he was pushing the "ding-dong" doorbell. last night he was pushing a stuffed train around and choo-chooing. he will also quack when playing with a rubber ducky but not when i'm trying to show off this trick...sea and story both love jumping on the bed; falling backwards on to their backs...they were chasing one another and giggling and then asking to be tickled at the same time. sea is just learning to swim on her own. maybe i'll post a little video of her holding her breath, doing doggy paddles and kicking all at once...

more cute things off the top of my head (wish i'd sat down to make a list and organize it before writing this post but then it wouldn't be in my typical free association long winded style...)...sea refers to manuel's facial hair as "furries", she calls her brother "brudder", both children love playing outside in the dirt, watering the garden...

sea likes to count and still thinks "twelve-teen" comes after 19 even though she'll say "twenty-one" afterwards...there are so many things we work to remember and help her hold on to when much of the world is trying to "correct" these mistakes...

well unfortunately my list of memories has to be cut short so i can get ready for our busy day celebrating the fourth of july. my dad loved this holiday and i have wonderful memories of family usually spent locally but sometimes at the beach or river...i'll watch for the sparkle in my dad's eye when the fireworks reflect off sea and story's bright faces tonight...

"a horsie with a carrot on his head"

i guess sea had never heard of a unicorn before...so that is how she described this picture she chose to have painted on her face at market night last week...

new beginnings

ahh...embracing the inner flower child in me (that is more or less out these days)...here is a photo of my daughter sea after picking daisies with my mom...not sure where i'm going with this except that i'm so behind on topics i want to blog about...and it is early may so i have a brand new journal with lots of empty pages and long lists of things i hope i will do...so before i move forward i wanted to list some things i may or may not get around to blogging about :
--easter (complete with the children painting and hunting for eggs)
--the memorial service at puc (napa valley)
--m's reunion from bakersfield academy
--m's reunion from monterey bay academy
--going blonde (way too many photos of getting my hair lightened at paul mitchell the school)
--joining flickr and all the photos i need to put up
--gardening (definitely a work in progress...photos...what to do now...)
--hosting earth day for coop preschool
--hanging out at the beach

and then there are all my to do lists...i'm trying to get it together to host coop preschool this wednesday with a celebrating moms theme...make mother's day cards to mail, interview the 3-year-olds about what they love about their moms (to compare to answers they give when they are older), read stories and sing songs celebrating moms...it is late so i will sign off from this topic and leave you with a short story and supporting photo from the mouth of sea...

daylight savings

this first photo may be one of my favorites of sea and story ever...

just last monday we were suffering from the effects of "springing our clocks forward" even though i love having more sunlight during the day...it was a mostly overcast day and the cloudiness didn't help my already gloomy mood and lack of sleep...so i missed going to a free baby signing class...then was running too late to catch elaine at java mama (still need advice on using flickr if any of you readers want to share your experiences)...then missed going to the park/playgroup...but we did manage to make it to costco and rotate our tires...here are sea and story sharing a moment in the grocery cart:

birthday brunch, bursting baking and blessings

photos to follow when i can be on my computer and not manuel's laptop in the bathroom while sea takes a bath (the rest of my family is sleeping)...so yesterday was my birthday. it seemed much different for some reason. usually i get all analytical, reflecting on past years, dreaming about the future, trying to figure out where i'm "at" each year around my birthday (more so even than new years resolutions)...but this year my birthday just came and i celebrated it and life is moving on the way i suppose it should...i wanted to briefly blog on the topic along with all my other "b" ideas...

first of all, i feel badly that many of my recent san diego friends, friends from playgroup, blogging friends, etc. were not invited to our joint birthday party (manuel's birthday was feb 12). see, i just didn't feel we could handle a group of 100 or so people in our new home...we still have so much to unpack, little furniture to sit in, it is freezing cold in our house most of the time, etc. so instead of inviting just a few of my closest playgroup friends (you know who you are) and offending others in the playgroup i don't know as well (i would have wanted to invite the whole playgroup), i just stuck with people in the coop preschool and friends i had made in san diego before playgroup. i still feel badly about this decision and think next time i'll err on just having too many people...but that said, with trying to keep the list small, we still had close to 40 people in our home yesterday for birthday brunch.

it was potluck style so we had everything from traditional indian food (including a cream of wheat cereal with chai like spices and homemade chai) to homemade coffee cake from a friend with a wonderful website with her own recipes (link will have to come later) that are gluten free, to fruit salad, pastries from whole foods, homemade quiche, breakfast potatoes, cinnamon rolls...fresh squeezed orange and grapefruit juice (both from our neighbors' yards)...i may have to finish this list later as sea is ready to get out of the bath...

i just wanted to share one very noteworthy part of the day...an hour and a half in, when most people had arrived, manuel and i were talking about whether we should go ahead and have a blessing for the food (knowing some friends are not religious and/or might be uncomfortable)...i had just told my one friend who is pregnant to come out of the kitchen and just as we were introducing ourselves and everyone was learning how we knew one another, there was a huge explosion with glass literally flying 10 feet ...the egg fritatta dish that had just come out of the oven was not meant to be put on a hot burner (my poor decision) and the entire lasagne size glass pan blew all over our kitchen...i shudder to think if anyone had been in there...and there were so many children, too! so truly i feel so blessed that we have God taking care of us and that i went with my intuition to bless the food...and our friends...i am blessed in so many ways...

25 not so random things

i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "the xmas photo that never got sent" and then wrote my own version of "25 random things" about myself...only i was very hormonal and 0verly emotional and dramatic and obsessive and depressive and all the things i hoped i wouldn't be when i wrote them...but a lot of them are blog-worthy so comment away if you want to hear more about any of these...here they are:

1. i feel desperate to begin with qualifiers to everything else i will list and could easily make this all about what it is not
2. i still have way too many issues with commitment, giving up choices, options, fear of loss...
3. i was fundamentally hurt by the loss of my dad in ways i could have never imagined
4. committing to spend the rest of my life with manuel was the best decision i ever made
5. it is all i can do to not make this list about him, my children, my family and friends
6. i'm much better at getting people to talk about themselves than i am at talking about myself...this paradox continues in many other areas that i will most likely hit later but while i'm on this topic, it is a little ironic to me that i will drop anything going on in my life to help a friend in need but feel desperate and crazy at the thought of asking for help myself even if it is a very small request...back to fear of rejection or pride or hating to feel out of control...
7. despite this giving side to myself (or maybe in part because of it) i am way too self-absorbed and can make way too much about me...looking at the picture from inside the frame instead of seeing what is outside of myself or the bigger picture...
8. a few years ago i could have never written this list; made myself so vulnerable, committed to so few items (oh wait, i still can't commit to only 25...see # 25), completed this task, and/or self-initiated embarking on creating this list...although i still don't think i've "found" myself or completely know who i am or feel completely secure with who i am, after writing my thesis on the importance of integrity and consistency between who you believe you are and what brings you meaning and happiness to your life, well, let's just say i can at least list 25 random things about myself without freaking out they aren't the best things or most representative things...oh wait, i am still freaking out...but at least i'm listing things anyway...
9. my obsessive tendencies have hurt me and many people i care about so i struggle to not let them overtake me
10. writing is both my savior and can cycle me into more self-absorption and depression...related to this, i have kept a journal regularly since i was 8 years old! in fact, i love writing so much that i have a very distinct visual memory of a writing assignment in one of the early elementary grades...it was on the big lined paper with dashes in between when kids were just learning handwriting and we were supposed to write a short story that the teacher then laminated and hung on the wall for all the parents and other students to view during a class open house...most people wrote a story on one sheet but mine was maybe like 10 pages linked together and so long it curled up at the end on the floor so you had to straighten it out to read the whole thing...that problem of writing too much still seems to carry on today...but it is very therapeutic for to ramble and free associate so thanks for allowing me this luxury!
11. i've found blogging to be a healthy outlet for my creativity, obsessions, fears, dreams...it allows me to share meaning in the mundane and fleeting moments of everyday life and combines my love of writing with my love of photos...did i mention i currently have 46788 photos in iphoto?
12. i really miss reading...this is one passion i gave up with small children but still thoroughly enjoy reading to them and hope their love of reading will allow me to return to my own reading when we can all someday read together...i did join a book club with other mommies so maybe this year i can at least read a book a month and make it to some meetings...
13. i love art and music and never thought i had talent in either but in the past few years i've even expanded my view to believe i am creative/expressive in odd ways i wouldn't have seen before
14. my daughter is very talented musically (she can sing full songs with perfect pitch)...i'm thinking maybe i can fulfill one of my dreams and be a back-up singer (wait, this is one more random thing i can add here...as much as i love attention and most would guess that i would want to be the lead singer, i actually prefer to sing the harmony) in a band with her someday...i'd also love to learn to play the guitar...
15. i always believe less is more, strive for simplicity in my life but when it comes to writing (and often talking) i can't help but ramble on and free associate
16. i spent too much of my life believing i cared more about (or at least put more effort into) many of my friendships but over the years most of my friends have proved me wrong and i feel incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful support network
17. i believe i will someday publish a work of non-fiction...possibly a memoir/biography of words i'd say to my closest friends at their funeral...only before they die...memories, how they've touched my life, how much they mean to me, etc....ideally they would write something similar about each other so we could all learn how much me mean to one another before we are gone...oh to find the time for this one!
18. i have voyeuristic/exhibitionisti

c tendencies...our house is pretty much a fish bowl right now with no curtains, lots of windows and on a main street with many neighbors walking by frequently and i find that i love watching their lives, having them watch mine...also like to visit people's homes and learn what they like to eat, how they spend their time, what they put up on their walls, read, etc...you can imagine i am loving this 25 random things everyone is doing!
19. in junior high i took a personality test and learned i was melancholy/sanguine...most would think the sanguine would come first and it is true that i am very social, love people, love being the center of attention, etc. but really my intensity, passion, creativity is an even stronger force...my cousin chloe is the same and was explaining how these somewhat opposite types work together...it does help me understand some of the many paradoxes in my life...but i'll save those for later...i think i will add here that i view myself as quite emotional and sensitive but most people view me as carefree and laid back...i could do a whole blog on that topic...
20. most of my closest friends know all these things about me...i'm feeling compelled to be more creative or at least more random...see, i'm letting more qualifiers in...so this is feeling more like a "who am i?" exercise instead of the creative, interesting, reading i'd hoped it would be...at least it is fairly vulnerable and raw which i enjoy reading in other people's writings...
21. i love food...especially eating it but also cooking, nutrition, trying new things, learning about different cultures...eating out....having people over to eat...participating in potlucks...
22. someday when my children are out of the nest i'd love be a photojournalist and travel the world with manuel...we are both passionate about traveling...we would uproot our family and live across the world but we are both close with our extended families so that idea is on hold for now...
23. still struggling to get "random"...i like to do the unexpected...be different... i've spent a large portion of my life feeling misunderstood and torn over whether i like that or wish more people could relate with me...through the years i've really learned the value of consistency and predictability...again, a whole blog topic in and of itself...
24. to cycle this list back around to others while still being about me; if you've been tagged you can opt to write 25 random things about me instead since mine haven't been too random...tag me and ask me to do the same for you as i'm sure i'd do a better job than writing about myself...
25. i have to do 25 more...my perfectionistic tendencies are kicking in and i have too much more to say...so keep your eyes open for items 26 through 50 in the next few days...i promise these will be more random...

thanks for reading and hopefully participating! love, denise

ok...that was one of the easiest ways to get back in to blogging yet...sorry for the re-post for some of you but i'd love your feedback and to read yours...

our moment in history

there are so many things i'm behind on blogging about but i had to capture this moment in history...9 a.m. our time obama being sworn in live on t.v...i actually got all 3 of us looking at the camera and obama behind us...of course i wish it was closer up but i'm happy i shared this historical moment with my children.

i called my east coast relatives to hear what it is like living so close...also, my favorite psychology professor in college, aubyn fulton, is there now...i'm looking forward to hearing what it was like to be there in person...

we just ate pancakes and now i'm getting ready for coop preschool where the kids will have their own parade during the parade in washington...

wish my dad could be here to shake both thumbs up in the air and say "ah---NAW...can you believe it? we'll never forget this moment for the rest of our lives..."sorry, i had to throw in one last photo...

a blogging challenge

no photo...fussy kids and too much to do today...

i posted roughly once a week last year. this year i have challenged myself to at least double that. one way i'm going to meet this goal is to peruse my fellow blogging friends' blogs once a week; pick my favorite or at least the one that pulls me in some way or inspires me or i can relate with or is just random or whatever, and then i will blog on that topic along with a link to said blog. i thought if i could get other bloggers in on this idea, we would all blog more, be more connected, be able to relate with one another more and, well, find solutions to some of the same conundrums we all tend to blog about.

this process will be fairly random...just the blog that leaps out at me on any given moment i am catching up on reading them; so i hope i don't offend anyone if i don't choose yours for awhile....send me links to your blog if you want to participate and don't think i'm already reading your blog...

the OCD aspects of my personality are really wanting to micro-manage and control how i go about doing this, but if you read the previous post, the emphasis here is going to be on living and experiencing life, not finding meaning, trying to understand or capture it in photos or words...i'll start the first blog inspired post tonight after the children are sleeping...let me know any suggestions you have for this endeavor!

blogging friends and inspirations

ok so i love writing and i love photos and i can never decide which i love more. so i try to combine them on this blog...and end up obsessing over capturing the perfect photo to depict some concept i can't quite write about as well as i'd like...today i was flittering (did i just make up that word?) around different blog sites of friends and friends of friends and found that my blog was listed on several people's sites and then i felt guilty i haven't made it a priority to check out their sites more often and really what struck me the most was that some of my favorite posts didn't have photos at all! granted these people are better writers...more clever, more succinct in relaying ideas, better at choosing representative details, better at helping the reader visual the concept, etc. etc. things i obsess about that prevent me from blogging but i was really quite excited that the words themselves could pull me in, help me relate, want me to learn more about them or share more about myself. so i'm back. not worried about what photo will best depict this idea and not worried what idea i'm trying to get down. just treating this like the free association online journal i had intended it to be back in the day when i was going to be more dilligent about posting...hey i can't even find spell check but i'm letting the grammar go along with the run on sentences for the sake of principle and of letting go and just writing freely...it feels great! better than your experience of reading it i'm sure...but sometimes in doing something for yourself it helps others indirectly...thank you friends and friends of friends for helping me as i read through your blogs tonight! someday i'll have courage enough to have links to all these blogs without fearing i'm leaving someone out...i really obsess about way too many things...is that one of my labels? now i'm concerned it certainly should be...but there is a fine line between having representative labels to link ideas and having way too many labels so there aren't enough connections or every post could have all the same labels...like i think "living" was one i used a lot for awhile...i'm feeling like i shouldn't publish this post now since i could have stopped about halfway into these ideas and had a much more powerful concept to share...i'm getting too indulgent at the reader's expense but i can't stop now and am too narcissistic to go back and edit anything out...i think i better not re-read this for sure but now i've lost my train of thought (if i had one) and i don't know how to pull any of it back around or together or get to any point i had hoped to make...so re-read i will do and i will cringe as i go but at least appreciate my vulnerability and that i'm willing to look stupid for the sake of rawness and realness and being in the moment...there are loftier goals i could spend these late night hours accomplishing...i do feel better, though...perhaps for now that is enough.

red rover pet models

ok so i'm exhausted from thinking about buying a "home" so i'm searching for a new topic..

i noticed some of the most recent photos i've taken are from my friend jeremy's visit. he lives in the bay area and owns a pet business "red rover" so i'm thinking i need to take some photos of my children modeling his apparel...


jeremy has red hair, too...


story wearing his sister's bonnet...


sea's 3 favorite friends (marigold, goggin and biraffe)