dreams...senses and weaving meaning through memories

 "gingky" holding me holding my newborn sister marci

i've been "writing" so many blog posts in my head...and then life gets in the way and i've been choosing to experience these things instead of write about them. i'm still having trouble balancing living in the moment and appreciating what is and having to "capture" it through words or photos. so in some ways it has been a good thing for me that i've been blogging so much less because i've been appreciating experiencing these things instead.

this morning i woke up from a very vivid dream. i had just been climbing on my tile roof (identical to the roof of the apartment we rented when we first moved to san diego) looking at my neighbor's fruit trees with peaches and oranges (just went to farmer's market last night and was imagining planting these in our yard). down below i saw a little white doggy (same as gingky's yesterday) and remembered i was watching him (symbol of responsibilities i'm forgetting to fulfill) and he needed to go to the bathroom (my children requested this several times yesterday at inopportune moments). next scene i was opening the front door of my house and both doors swung open...really big inviting doors welcoming me (my sister marci is looking for a house to buy in redlands and last night i was looking at some houses with her and imagining what qualities i would look for in a home if we were to buy again)...i was excited to talk to manuel about something (miss not being with him and sharing my day to day thoughts and experiences) and i could hear the children happily chatting about something with each other and with him...(these sensations/observations are a constant in our home in the morning...i always look forward to their happy chatter and excitement to start their day)

as i tried to stay asleep to see what i was going to say or what was going to happen, i could feel myself coming in and out of sleep and realized it was due to the sensations i was experiencing around me...most notably the sunshine streaming through my window. i miss this way of waking up! as much as our house has a lot of light and windows, it doesn't have DIRECT light streaming through. next i was listening to the birds chirp and sing in the tree outside my window and of course the far off train i forgot to listen for but find as a comforting reminder of my dad's ever-present memory. a large hawk called out a cry and flew over...the sprinklers burst on and sprayed their steady stream over my mom's yard. i wanted to ignore all this and find out what was going to happen in my dream but then i realized this was sort of a metaphor to my life...waiting to "find out or analyze" what will/could happen in my life versus just making it happen. so i popped out of bed, observed my swollen eye lids (my body disagreeing, saying i really need better/more sleep) and ran down to write about this.

i am visiting my mom in the home i was born and raised in until i left for college at 18. i came out because a neighbor we grew up with, dear "oma" her German nickname, had passed away and i wanted to attend the memorial. i wanted to do it for her because she was such a wonderful woman and close friend of our family for so many years but i also wanted to see her daughter "gingky" (what i called her when i was too young to pronounce her name linda) and because it was something i felt i needed to do on a gut level i couldn't fully explain. yesterday my sister watched my children and my mom and i attended. it was a touching service complete with lots of biographical details that were fascinating, music that made me cry, a slideshow depicting her throughout her life with photos i remember seeing hung on the walls in her home and memories i was a part of in their pool and in their living room. the most difficult part was listening to gingky share her personal memories and how her mom touched her. i imagined how i felt sharing these things about my dad and how i will someday feel sharing them about my mom. on top of this i had my own memories of gingky's mom and what a gentle, loving, dedicated wife/mom/friend she was. it was strange to observe this intimate personal tribute to a woman i haven't been in touch with for over a decade yet she has been a part of my life and my childhood memories weave in and out of gingky's at some point.

gingky's youngest daughter is headed off to college. of course this got me thinking about my own youngest headed off to kindergarten in the fall. how time moves so quickly it will be seconds before my children move on. last night sea wanted to sleep with me...specifically she wanted me to hug and cuddle with her and she wasn't tired and wanted me to tell her stories so she could fall asleep and i was super grumpy because story had just fallen asleep and she woke him up trying to negotiate these things. i didn't handle this request well and even though i went to sleep with sea after story fell back asleep and we had some "resolution' of sorts i want to feel like my daughter can count on me to be there for her more often than not. and i want to get over my own self-absorbed "needs" and put her first more often because i know it is just a matter of time before she doesn't "need" me so much.

i'm trying to wrap up this blog post so i can move on with my day...my cousin katie is coloring my hair shortly and i have things to take care of. in the grand scheme of things, looking over the life of a dear friend yesterday, for example, this seems trivial and like i should take a few more minutes to end this blog post with meaningful, touching words that pay my respect and hold onto memories. but that is part of the tragedy of loss...when people you love die they are yanked out of the daily stuff and memories only get to come in and out as time and mental space allows. i think i will visit my dad's grave today, just to offer him a little bit of that time and space for reflection and memories. and i will remember to listen for the trains. and squeeze sea and story a little tighter tonight without them asking.

riding the wave of sadness

where will this wave take me? why am i sad?

i've been wanting to blog again for awhile now...i've been increasingly productive outside of regular blogging and getting better at experiencing life instead of capturing it (or doing a little of both) so i wanted to ride the wave while it was working but i miss writing! i still analyze life and think about what i would write about and write in my head and write for the future. sometimes i don't think about anything at all and get caught up in the routines of the day...but at least these routines are often getting completed instead of the depressive rut where i couldn't imagine doing the most basic "activities of daily living" as some old psychological test called them...i haven't felt truly depressed for awhile...but there is a dull, quiet, irritability that often fogs my mind so i move more slowly than i'd like and without drive, passion, emotion...until i snap and get irrationally angry or frustrated...

i pause this thought for a moment to engage with story who is showing me some items in the "insect lore" catalog...lady bugs and such...

i hate being self-absorbed. i had many stories i've been lucky to be a part of...sea was chosen as "star student" which is supposed to be each week one of her classmates is randomly chosen to be showcased and help the teacher, etc. though i secretly idealize the teacher chooses some of the less popular or troubled children early on so they feel special...so here are the photos "all about sea"...i put these here, on my self-absorbed blog to remind myself of the important parts of my life that i've been lucky enough to experience and share and be a part of shaping...sea shapes me in so many ways, too! this first photo shows she wants to be a teacher when she grows up...i remember i wanted to teach 1st grade when i was a 1st grader, 2nd the next year, etc. until i was in college and then i did end up becoming a college instructor :)

anyway, i had many ideas in my head to write about...

--two talented friends who have allowed me to read their books (i wanted to write about their books and about them and about writing itself and the prospect of writing my own book one day)

--sea is excelling at piano and i wanted to talk about that process (my negative memories as a child and how sea is going at it with intrinsic motivation and challenging herself)

--commenting on the ideas of dependence and independence and my struggle with both...aching at my daughter wanting me to spend more "mommy and sea" time each day, not wanting to go to school, wanting me to stay at school, come back to school "for snack...and lunch...and..."

--spring cleaning...how much i've done...the little i have left to do and what i need to do to overcome the blocks (mostly psychological and from childhood) that stop me from completely de-cluttering, letting go, moving on, organizing and keeping only the essentials (especially stored items in our garage and paperwork)

--the perfect blue skyed sunny and warm san diego day i have right now at my disposal...slight breeze, literally birds chirping from overhead olive branches that slowly wave, hummingbirds that hover ready to eat some fresh nectar i brought them...inches from my face, trusting, ready...small wind chimes lightly tinging and planes flying just low enough overhead i can hear them and remember this from childhood...memories of journeys being taken and yet to be taken and those already past...i want to focus on these experiences, these feelings, this warmth on my face...opportunities and the joys of the present...but somehow my optimistic and idealistic self still catches the waves of sadness at unexpected times like these...i was glancing at these photos...collages of sea's life...and saw my dad in the "my family" photo and i got irrationally irritated that there was a large paperclip right over his face. now looking at the other collages i see that the paperclips cover whatever they happen to cover and i know this was not intentional but somehow it seems so unfair that he is gone and can only be a part of the family she knows is important to me and her history and not her actual experience...and i miss him and want him to cheer me up and make life light and happy again and realize i need to do these things for myself...so, i'm indulging myself in the wave of sadness...briefly...in hopes of moving past it...and now i will glance below at the rest of these photos and comment on...

sea's family shown here include our immediate family in the middle...mom, dad, sea and story, her cousins skye and ayva, auntie marci, my mom and her mimi, namenee and poppy, cousins meadow and roman, cousins chloe and ryder and my dad in the bright yellow shirt with the sparkly blue sea-colored eyes that match hers...he is holding her there just a few months old...

sea's hobbies include piano, playing with her doggy, playing at the beach, drawing and cleaning (? no idea where she got that idea except i have been on a mission to do this myself)...

her three wishes are to be a mermaid, fairy and/or princess (she was all three in the top left photo...halloween costume)...

for her friends i used a yearbook photo of all the children in her class and then her future husband elijah is on the top left with her brother story...she included brooke, hailey and ruhi as friends outside of her class...her dear beloved "goggin" is the over-loved white tiger missing and eye in the middle...

 finally, her favorite things are her dog, cat, drawing, singing, swimming and the beach...she has her "pool" patch from passing the swim test and the marigold doll story brought her when he was first born...

 this final photo was taken of sea on her field trip to the birch aquarium...she drew the mermaid on her shirt...i chose this photo to end this blog because there are waves out there yet to be ridden...i mean that literally and figuratively...we go to the beach as a family every weekend and the experience is so much a part of all of our lives...but on a more practical and immediate level for myself, i want to ride another wave...let this one carry me where it will...i'm ready to climb on the next one and appreciate this journey of motherhood...journey of life, really...because with the pain and sadness comes an appreciation of love, joy, and the possibilities for more...more importantly, i am so blessed right now, right here, where i am with my little son next to me, ready for me to play with him and my daughter eager to come home and spend "mommy and sea time"...

Celebrating what would have been lorie's 40th

I figure my irritability and depression in part stemmed from missing my dad over this holiday of thankfulness but also missing my friend lorie who would have turned 40 today. This is what I just e-mailed her mom: "Dear nancy,  I've been thinking of lorie (and you) for the past few days but today in particular on what would have been her 40th bday. She was so full of life and zest and spunk and lived as if the smallest moments in life were cause for celebration and glee...I know just being in her presence would have been a party all its own today and I'm so sad we can't. I thank God we can reunite someday in heaven but until then I am thankful to celebrate so much of lorie that lives on... We have been spending the weekend here in ventura with manuel's family and some of his relatives from Bakersfield which of course reminded me how Manuel 1st knew lorie in central California...next weekend we will celebrate johnny facundo's 40th with him in sacramento...I remember hearing stories of them growing up together as just kids and I know we will reminisce all we miss about lorie. I'll touch base with you in the next few weeks to share more of those stories...for now I'm getting my children to bed too late but just wanted to drop you a short note of appreciation for lorie and let you know we are thinking of you... Sincerely, denise Sent from my iPhone" I wanted to say so much more along with detailed memories but it is late and my energy is low and I just got my children to sleep...

Irritable and moping

I feel irritable and depressed. Lacking an internal drive and needing resolution but not enough energy to seek it or even think about it. Really I just want to go to sleep...now...before 8 and while my children play so gleefully with their cousins...oblivious, thankfully...yes, it is the day after thanksgiving and I'm moping around...self-absorbed as usual...feeling sorry for myself instead of grateful..."glad to be above ground" as one person put it. I miss my dad something awful and don't even feel I have anyone to express that to right now... I thought today went well overall...I put up with black Friday shopping I didn't want to do, let my children eat more junk than I wanted without comment, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly including putting food in containers, sweeping, dishes and counters...all done twice...taking the dog on two walks...giving moral support and playing the mediator on family drama that I didn't need to be a part of...then my husband misunderstood something and instead of explaining it better I took it personally and shut down so now that my son is ready for bed I'm going to bed with him... One more "poor me" rant...I somehow was rationalizing all this work and time I put in should buy me a solid half hour typing a meaningful post tonight...but instead we can't get the wireless Internet to work so I'm pecking on my phone with no motive to write anything anyway... I've been noticing all these cute things my children say and do that of course at the end of the day I can't remember...they were just drinking "egg milk with cimmomon (misspelled to get their pronunciation)" and were doing "meanie meanie miney mo" and saying if the tiger "runnels" instead of hollars... More relatives showed up so I'm emerging from the room hoping to perk up and stop moping...truly hope for a meaningful and grateful post soon!

making music, dancing to cash, baking cookies...

and preparing for our first garage sale tomorrow...these dancing photos were taken in the summer but you get the idea...sea and manuel are coloring the letters of "yard sale"...sea was just playing the piano with her foot, tapping a drum and shaking a shaker at once...taking turns dancing with her dad...i've been eating too much cookie dough...

halfway meaningful blog topics

i've been looking forward to writing this blog post all day...tried to carve out the time, to no avail, several times...even told a friend i was going to catch up on her blog today (she is also doing nablopomo) and instead it is again late, i almost fell asleep putting the children to bed and i have no energy and no passionate ideas pushing themselves out when i do finally sit down to write. this is particularly frustrating because today i'm officially halfway through nablopomo and i've wanted so badly to write something meaningful, write more than a couple lines and so i thought "halfway meaningful" could mean two things...

--i'm halfway through and writing something meaningful
--a disclaimer if my "meaningful" post is only halfway meaningful

i seem to need a lot of disclaimers in my life...i remember in high school writing in very few yearbooks because i always wanted to write a full paragraph first of what i had NOT written or why i couldn't write the most meaningful things or something lame instead of committing to what i did have to say and being alright with what was left out. so instead of writing a long meaningful post, today i'm just writing meaningful (to me anyway...see, another disclaimer) blog IDEAS or topics i can later choose to write about...i could just go through my "labels" and most of these would be there...but i'll write a few lines about each to show where i'm going with these ideas...

1. commitment the fact that i married my first boyfriend (and we didn't start dating until our early 20's) is in part because i'm so idealistic, a tragic-romantic type on the one hand but really unable to commit or make decisions...and not because i don't care...on the contrary i care too much and become immobilized...this commitment issue is also related to the next topic
2. identity or who am i? i feel like in some ways i'm still defining myself and figuring out what aspects of myself i want to commit to as being ME but in other ways i'm excited that at almost 40 i'm comfortable with who i am can finally list little things like my favorite bands and books on facebook without fear i've left so many others out (ok, i still haven't done this...but i'm hopeful i can by the end of the year)
3. independence/dependence these were two of my biggest topics when i first started blogging...i had trouble separating what aspects were me and what aspects i needed others or wanted to be needed...i feel like i've found my place in between in some ways (ok that i'm more dependent upon than ever before and ok depending on others more than ever) but in other ways i'm ready for more independence and have had a lifelong struggle since i've always viewed myself as so independent yet have in the process cut out dependence
4. meaning my personality type as defined by the myers-briggs test is ENFP which in a nutshell means i approach life more Extroverted than introverted (outgoing and social), more iNtuitive than sensing (going with my gut instead of just what is obvious), more Feeling than thinking (this is another topic entirely...see further down the list) and more Perceptive than judging (this one means i prefer open-ended than closed options though i feel i've changed in this area)...i bring this up because the NF temperament type is known for its quest for meaning. it's true. i've spent much, much of my life searching out meaning, trying to live a meaningful life, even writing my master's thesis on the importance of having integrity between your self-concept, values (what bring meaning to your life) and how you live your life...there is this fine line between being so obsessed with meaning you miss the mundane or miss the point that the mundane IS meaningful...if i was just starting to blog and needed a theme it would be something along those lines
5. balance means a lot of different things. even to me. but i think it is important for each person to figure out what a balanced life looks like for them...i know there are many things in my life right now i'm giving too much weight and other areas that have needed a lot more weight for awhile so i've been working on those kinks knowing a lot (and a lot of people) have been hanging in the balance or even left out briefly...this makes me feel badly since i've always had an irrational drive to be a people-pleaser even at the expense of my own happiness but i've gotten a lot better at that at least...one of the concepts i was exploring back in my early 20's working on my thesis in psychology was the idea of life as a pie and what component you choose to put in...realizing some get bigger slices and if you have a lot of areas they each get even smaller slices or if you have very few things and lose one it can be even more devastating of a loss, etc...my husband and i had talked a lot about this idea when we were dating and imagining our lives merging together and creating our family pie, etc. and i thought it was an intuitive idea on the one hand and impressively creative and unique on the other...so my narcissistic brilliant side was surprised when my friend andrea was writing about this in her blog post today
6. narcissism oh man this would be a LONG post if i ever get around to writing it...i've grown up quite self-absorbed...usually in a self-deprecating way that leads to putting myself out for others at the expense of my own needs but i can be quite selfish when feeling my own self needs have not been met...i just jumped on facebook to get andrea's blog post link and without going into details as i'm going to post this on facebook, another friend definitely gave me some perspective with what she is dealing with...just when my life feels chaotic and unbearable in some ways i realize how lucky i really am...so even talking about being self-absorbed i feel like i should be placing the focus off myself instead...
7. feeling versus thinking the jury is still out on this one...i feel REALLY deeply, intensely...and this can be really good or really bad...i've struggled with depression and the down side to manic highs (no official psychiatric diagnosis of bipolar though when studying psychology i labeled myself all sorts of things)...but really it is just so difficult to decide where to live in between feeling everything or analyzing it all. i remember i came really close on our wedding day...let myself feel but still soak in the moments and just BE...second by second...allowing myself to think about it, too...but otherwise i'm really bad at blending these two. in graduate school this was one of the topics i talked to a peer counselor about...how i would either feel at the expense of rational decision making or get so analytical and breaking everything down rationally there was no feeling or intuition involved...in college i even wrote out this theory about the vicious thinking/feeling cycle that went from the extremes of apathy (not caring--not thinking or feeling) to being reckless with all feeling or all thinking...do most people do these things at the same time or just a little of each applied at different times? why do i have to go so over the top with one or the other? and apathy just scares me because it seems like the place people go right before they hurt themselves or others...
8. little things this was the term i used for the small things my children say or do in the moments i'm rushing to capture their childhood and often miss what is right in front of me...i can't even think of an example right now because i have so much anxiety and chaos going on in my head...trying to slow down...but i know there are a lot of little things in my life i'm missing...i want to look my children in their eyes when they talk, see life through their eyes, experience it on their level...be there for them but also be in it (life) with them and not just as an onlooker. ok i thought of one small example from today. sea and story still sleep in our bed with us. last night sea decided to sleep in her own bed because some book about 1st graders told her she should be (GRRR....i need to write some attachment parenting children's books to supplement on the mainstream views on these things)...

oh man, in the middle of this list story woke up...appropriate, i suppose, that i get to use my attachment parenting and co-sleeping skills midway through this post...

family days and paul simon concert

 i love this adoring photo of sea and her daddy...surrounded by her favorite color orange and brightly colored flowers...she brings so much joy to our lives...manuel has been sick for a couple of weeks...today i lead sabbath school and took the children to church while he got some much needed rest. normally we would pack up a picnic of some sort (something easy like homemade bean and cheese burritos) and head to our community pool or if we had enough energy, the beach. the weather was borderline...about 70 and a little cloudy...but we would have done it but for his low energy and illness. so we had a relaxing family day in...i had hoped to make it to a friend's baby shower but knew this would be pushing it for manuel so instead we ate slowly...enjoyed one another's company...spent time in our yard...it is still quite sunny out (the kids are pretending they are at the beach complete with a blanket, beach umbrella, pails, etc. in the backyard) and dog is chasing them in and out...the lighting in this next photo reminds me of my dad because he died close to sunset but more importantly because we often took walks together, just the two of us, when the light was really golden like this...so i'm including this photo because it is taken in our yard, peaceful and the lighting reminds me of family and memories i have and memories i'm making...

 we all love paul simon...he reminds me of early dating days with manuel but the kids also love singing his songs on the way to the beach...it will be great to see the show tonight...finally, i love the sparkle in sea's eyes and her freckles and smile and that is about all i have time to post about :)

life beginning and life ending

my cousin dave, who i grew up with...all major holidays together (thanksgiving, xmas, 4th of july, etc) just had a baby on the 14th. three days later his mom died. she was a very strong (physically and emotionally) woman who i thought would live until she was 100 so this came as a shock to us both i believe.  dave sent me this e-mail:

"I wanted to let you know my Mom passed away in her sleep last night in Fl.   She was not sick and went joyfully to her Lord with no surffering

You only have one Mom......"

i think that last part is directed at me (i've gotten frustrated with my mom recently)

anyway, no photos for this idea but it has gotten me thinking about life and how i live it and how life comes and goes...also missing my dad...looking forward to reuniting in heaven...

Juggling priorities and missing lorie

i had so much to write about today and now it all seems gone...i lost my friend lorie 3 years ago yesterday...sent out an e-mail to our mutual friends saying:

"it is just after midnight...now the 4th...and i'm missing lorie and missing the date and missing you all to boot...i've been singing "bye, bye miss american pie..." all weekend and probably on and off since the day i first met lorie...her music plays on in so many ways, in so many lives. i want to stay better connected to you all and share our lorie memories and love for her through times spent together. i know loriepalooza has probably become more of a n. cal phenomenon, but i'd make the trip up some year, or love to celebrate her life through times spent with you all together more often anytime for that matter...it was lovely to see arlene and kenny and karri and marc this summer...you all should please come and visit us and we'll do the same when we are your way. let's keep connected the way lorie always connected so many. i'd love to hear how you celebrated lorie this year. nancy, i think of you often, and would like to keep better in touch. i'm going to dig up some old photos most of you have seen before and forward them to "see" that music that makes me smile...bye bye miss american pie..."

this was in reference to last year's e-mail chain and the connection to the song...here is what i wrote a year ago for more context and what i wrote originally about her for the booklet we made for her memorial.

i've been thinking about her all weekend...even when i didn't know i was thinking about her. i know this because i've been distracted and not in the place i'd like to be either appreciating my family and spending time together or being effective in my stay-at-home mom duties or as room mom...i was supposed to get out a weekly summary to the class on friday and put it off all weekend...here we are almost wednesday of the next week and i can't focus and pull it together to make it happen. this feels like college days when i would procrastinate beyond a motivating and acceptably late level and self-sabotage...i definitely do NOT want to sabotage my role as room parent or anything that has to do with my daughter. so i will wake up early in the morning and make it happen.

on a lighter note...today sea and story were playing so well together...after their usual bowl of alphabet soup (see yesterday's post) they decided to get married...sea put on her cream colored silky flower girl dress from ally's wedding and story went and chose his own outfit..."broncos broncos" and they went down an aisle with sea ringing a bell and holding a felt flower...i asked what they were going to do next and sea said "have a baby" and she promptly pulled out a boy and a girl baby doll from inside of the top of her dress...i did take lots of photos of this but have not uploaded them, nor do i have the energy to do so right now...

i'm rambling to avoid thinking. or laying awake trying not to think. or feeling depressed. i wrote lorie's mom an email from the heart about my experience with grief with losing my dad and i haven't heard back from her. i hope i wasn't taking away from the loss of lorie...i definitely am experiencing an ongoing ache for both of them it's just that grief has a compounding effect...i need someone to relate with, tell me we will get through it...focus on heaven...get outside of myself...focus on my children...i'm not sure what to do but i'm in a funk.

if it were daytime i'd make myself a fancy coffee drink with coconut creamer and whip cream and cinnamon and focus on all the flavors and the buzz of the caffeine and then eat lots of dark chocolate and before my crash i would try to experience something altered from the exhaustion i feel...but it is nighttime and i should let actual sleep solve these problems. so i'll go try...pablo, my kitten is now meowing for attention...letting me know he plans on staying up, scampering around...see, i'm stalling, too...no resolution in sight and no energy to write something snazzy to sum it all up or move on...

here's to a better day tomorrow...and hopefully some restful sleep tonight...

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

mom and dad's wedding anniversary

today would have been my parent's 43rd wedding anniversary. this post has to be very short because my house is upside down...trying to down size, organize, throw out or properly put away too much i've held on to in stuff and memories...photos, slides, projects...will update once i've finished...love and miss you dad...

san diego rock and roll 1/2 marathon

yesterday manuel and i ran (ok, he ran, i mostly fast walked/slow jogged) in the san diego half marathon. it was our second marathon. the first was this past february (surf city in huntington beach) in memory of my friend maggie's sisters and their families who died in a plane crash and used to run this marathon with her. i'm wearing my "team JP" t-shirt here...maggie's sister's married names were jacobson and pullen and the families and children's names are listed on the front. they have a "where in the world is team jp?" page on fb and i got choked up thinking about running in their memory...running for my dad (there was a girl who wrote "4 U dad" on her legs)...i always enjoyed taking evening walks with my dad as a little girl growing up...i know my children have a lot of memorable routines in their lives but i'd like to include that one...
i like this photo of me and manuel together...we both look happy...then our bibs...mine says "s and s mommy"...
right before we began...
about to head down 6th avenue in hillcrest by balboa park...
my favorite shot right before we went under the starting line (i took it)...
one of the mile markers..running down park avenue near the zoo...
about to get on highway 163...downtown in the background...
running down highway 163...
"scenic" route still on 163 about to go under the laurel street bridge near our old home in banker's hill...
same bridge closer up with signs about the zoo...
almost halfway...near highway 8 we would take to our house...
there's our exit...
self-portrait running...
finish line!
riding back on the shuttle with our medals...
post-marathon nap at the pool...

the details of team JP

i am running in my first half marathon in 2 weeks...superbowl sunday...here is what i wrote about it (reason for writing beneath the e-mail):

hi jazmyn,

i'm writing on behalf of my husband. i know he intended to reply to your e-mail. we have been training together to run the surf city marathon and his story is really my story, too. i am taking a moment to share the details of our story with you even though it is most likely too late to share with the local media because i believe it is a story of LIFE and HOPE and GIVING and worth sharing, even late.

i'm not sure where the story should start...it comes full circle for both of us...you asked for a short bio and why he began to run and i suppose he can share those details. my story of "running" begins with my dad. he was quite athletic as a boy but due to a disease in his youth, arthritis and eventually breaking his neck he had to limit his exercise to brisk walking and swimming. i loved doing both of these things with him growing up. my father also loved the beach and loved to tell stories (we named our two children "sea" and "story" as my husband and i both love these things as well) i grew up inland but we spent many, many weekends at corona del mar right near the surf city course. i know my father would have been SO PROUD that i'm participating in my first half marathon. unfortunately he passed away may 28, 2006.

maggie is our leader for "team JP". she is one of my friends and was in my class in high school. her two sisters, vanessa, and amy (in my younger sister's class and later my sister's roommate in college), and amy's husband erin also went to our same high school. her sisters and their families and another family were all tragically killed in march 2009 in a nationally publicized plane crash. here is the link to the L.A. Times news story:

http://articles.latimes.com/2009/mar/24/local/me-plane-crash24

this past year i was on the planning committee with maggie for our 20 year h.s. reunion. our event was at the westin in south coast plaza (also near the marathon event). while we were planning our reunion, maggie mentioned that she and her sisters used to run the surf city marathon every year and she would love to have the members of the planning committee (and anyone else from the community) run this year to show our support. actually what moved me to sign up was the way she described running in her life...i wish i had recorded her word for word but wrote this during one of our reunion planning meetings (we had a morning walk during our reunion weekend lead out by maggie):

"i asked maggie for more details about her morning walk (after noticing ed wearing a very cool JP t-shirt) and it will be at 8 a.m....meet in the hotel lobby...it will be a 5k or 3.2 miles...she said to plan about an hour though it could take some people less...they will be walking in the vicinity of the hotel instead of the beach...she said she will provide JP t-shirts to all participating... this lead into a discussion of promoting it friday night at vespers to which maggie shared some appropriately timed and heartfelt thoughts on the parallels to life and lessons in the grieving process "taking it a step at a time" "everybody goes through it differently" "you don't know what each mile will bring"...she has offered to share this perspective and i thought this would be appropriate early in the vespers program as ken will be on all our minds [one of our classmates passed away just a couple weeks before the event] and i think it is a wonderful metaphor to open up the weekend events"

she has been such an inspiration of HOPE and GIVING...her family has always been so generous and supportive of so many people and they continue to give and pass on blessings (messages of hope and monetarily just to name a few) in memory of their many loved ones lost who were also so generous in their communities. the memorials for each of these people lost were phenomenally large events because their families touched so many people in so many ways...

our family in particular owes them so much. beyond the metaphors of how running can help deal with grief (this has helped me personally in the loss of my father), this summer, after our h.s. reunion, my husband's brother was in a life-threatening accident. he broke his neck and was lucky to be alive. as we struggled to get follow up care to try and rehabilitate him, it was recommended to us that maggie's husband would be a good connection. within the hour of calling the cottons to see if they could help in any way, my B-I-L was accepted into a prestigious spine center that he would very unlikely have been able to get into. after his release he was able to walk and regain nearly full function in one arm he couldn't even move before the rehab.

needless to say, my husband is also running this marathon to support the family. maggie's sisters were both married names began with "J" and "F" where they got the initials JP for the "team JP". our matching shirts list the names of the family members lost.

this will be our first half marathon. i am running for my dad, maggie and their families...i am running for my BIL and our family and i am running for myself...i am looking forward to the physical challenges involved but even more so to all the symbolism behind family members lost and family members helped...the challenge of spreading HOPE and LIFE and GIVING to others the way maggie and her family have for so many...the memories of our lost loved ones live on in so many ways...

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share our story.

sincerely, denise

p.s. if you need any more bio info, my husband and i met in college. amy and her family were living in the same community when they were killed. maggie attended college with me as well. my husband and i now live at the beach. he is a (left out for security) and i am a stay-at-home mom. we have two children, sea (age 5.5) and story (almost 3). we love the beach and try to go there every free moment we have. we have been training for this half marathon along the boardwalk of the beaches and look forward to the location of the surf city marathon. we have been so inspired by this training that we hope to run many more marathons together in the future.

On Dec 20, 2010, at 10:04 AM, Jazmyn Lopez wrote:

My name is Jazmyn, and I work for the Surf City USA Marathon. I came across your story about how you are running to support your wife's friend Maggie who lost many members of her family in 2009. I thought it was very interesting that you are running for friends, so I have a couple of questions for you.

First off, we are looking to share people's interesting running stories with the local media (both in Huntington Beach and your own local area) and were wondering if you would mind us sharing your story. If this would be okay with you, I would appreciate it if you could expand on your story and give me a little bit more information. A short biography about you and why you began to run. How and when you started running and anything else you think would be interesting to share. I would be happy to read anything you want to write!

Please let me know either way. We will not share your story against your wishes.

Thank you very much and good luck in the race!!

Jazmyn

MPT #9 6th grade: loss, guilt and training bras

in sixth grade i had ms. fund as my teacher...things were definitely looking up from 5th grade though i notice the polo shirt which probably had a matching pair of baby blue pants with a pink horsie...oh how to avoid those trendy "cool" items with my own child who is already telling me what the kids like and don't like...speaking of baby blue...it was 1983 and 1984 and baby blue was THE color for eye shadow and eyeliner and even mascara...i remember experimenting with this using those magic crystals that grow...my best friend cara and i took them from our class and put them on our eyes in the bathroom...i remember sharing a lot of secrets in those bathrooms, whispering, passing notes trying to figure a lot out during these pre-teen years...i was still very awkward...most of elementary school i remember being too big for my self-confidence...i was one of the tallest girls (or children for that matter) in my grade but quite insecure so i walked in a clumsy way and tripped over my long limbs so-to-speak...i was also a very "late bloomer" wearing training bras when i had nothing to train...

i could check with my mom to get the specific dates/years correct but i'll go by memory about my her parents...i believe my grandma had a heart attack and was in the hospital and then her husband called my mom up in the middle of the night and said he couldn't breathe so my mom said to sit up and she would be right there...she found him dead (i was too young to understand all these details at the time)...that was maybe june of 1983 the end of 5th grade and then they didn't want to tell my grandma he had died because they thought with her heart attack she might not survive the news...i don't remember who told her or how but sure enough she died the following may...here is a photo of them with me and my mom...
i'm not sure if i already mentioned how my mom's mom had more or less resigned herself to never marrying when she literally bumped into my mom's dad going around a corner in the hospital where she worked....he fell in love at first sight and pursued her despite her bitterness and pride and brushing him off for some time and my mom thinks she was a mistake since her mom had her at age 40 or so which was unheard of old at the time...so needless to say they were both born like 1901 or something so they were 73 when i was born and 84 or so when they died...i felt like i never got to know either of them in part because they were both private people who didn't share much of themselves but possibly also the fact that we were really different from one another and didn't understand one another and i was young and hyper and too much for them to handle at their age. anyway, i felt like i really let me grandma down and i remember the day she was buried i wrote her a long letter that i poured out my guilt and sadness over not being a better grandchild...details i still remember like how i wished i'd learned how to sew from her and appreciated the sewing kit she gave me (that lay unused and unopened in my closet)...i tucked this note into one of the flower bouquets on top of her grave and somehow idealized when God came it would still be there and she would read it. i chuckle reading this now but i spent a LONG time feeling so guilty and ashamed and didn't know who to share this with or what to do with these unresolved feelings. i'm sure my parents had no idea. i resolve to encourage my children to share how they feel with me but i'm sure this could happen to them, too. anyway, it is interesting because after my dad died 4 years ago i had similar guilt feelings...why didn't i hug him that last day, conversations i wish i'd had, etc. even though i always tried to live without regrets with him knowing he had a heart condition and could die anytime...this theme continues with other people who have died in my life and i wonder where all the guilt came from? i know one other contributor in group 3 wrote about this if i can find the post maybe we can brainstorm on it more...

so on to lighter brighter memories...i remember being in the school parade...the first purple clown is our friend sarah that we babysat after school...next is my sister and the girl looking the other way with the green around her neck is my dear friend cara...i have the white face and too big smile next to her...

i went over to cara's house a lot and she came over to mine...some specific memories i have through elementary include going up and down the laundry shoot from our 2nd floor to the basement laundry room...climbing through the garbage shoot (my parents had a hole cut in a cupboard so that the large garbage can could fit in the back and you could take the garbage out from outside...nice IDEA but super disgusting dirty inside...i think i was forced to do this when we locked ourselves out one day)...i think i already wrote about riding down the hill leading to our house in a little red wagon using the handle to steer, we also were active in gymnastics and swimming every year and still taking piano lessons without practicing or enjoying it...funny, i LOVED gymnastics even though i was way too tall for the sport and not that good at it...later in acro-sports or whatever it became called they wanted me to be a base instead of climbing up on top and that is about when it was no longer fun and i quit...

here is my dear dog snowflake (i named him) on our front porch...he looked like benji only white...i just learned recently this may be a breed of some sort but as a child i always thought he was a mixed mutt from the pound...
i'm losing steam on this post...saying goodbye to elementary and wishing i had more memories or that i had shared more or that i had done things differently or not been so insecure or appreciated my youth...my dad was always very upbeat, optimistic and seeing the glass half full or the donut instead of the hole or however the saying goes so he did help me appreciate much...i guess i'm thinking about loss and guilt and how those feelings spill over into today and feeling extra sad without my dad right now...this last photo reminds me a lot of him because he loved to walk...i want to say he walked every day (when he wasn't swimming or doing some other exercise that was low impact but moving as quickly as he could with his arthritis and stiff neck from some childhood illness)...i often walked with him and was proud i could walk faster than him from an early age...in part because i had such long legs...anyway, we would take a dirt road up behind our house to the "water tower" with our dog snowflake...here is photo of part of that walk...
life is a journey so i know i have a lifetime of opportunities to appreciate all the little things and make more memories...thank you for sharing these records of my childhood with me. i'm going to try and read all 21 MPT 6th grade posts in the next 24 hours...

i'm recording my childhood through MPT mommy's piggytales writing one year at a time every friday...this friday i'll write about 7th grade...

at least a day behind

i hosted a pre-thanksgiving potluck play date at my home today...that should be sufficient in and of itself to write no more...but since i'm at least a day behind on my thoughts and photos i thought i'd upload photos from my mom and sister visiting yesterday (it takes about 2 minutes a photo to load and i can continue to clean in between)...sometimes i get caught up in the minutia...like i should list all the things i was HOPING to have for this party (thanksgiving crafts for the children, some vegetarian gluten and soy-free protein...yeah right! homemade apple pie) along with what we did have (warm fire in the fire place, cider simmering in the crock pot, a hash made out of roasted and sauteed potatoes, onions, yams, sweet potatoes, corn, squash...holiday candles burning)...honestly it is quite a blur...i'm 3 hours into the clean up and not sure it was worth it...but i enjoyed the socialization, yummy food, drinks...the kids had fun...i had no toys...only blankets to make forts, bike/trikes to zoom around in...they did a lot of role playing (some i could have done without) but overall good times...we are headed to my mom's house tonight and then will spend all thanksgiving day at my cousin dave's (this is where we always went growing up)...

this first photo from yesterday is the view from the street below brockton villa which is where we took my dad to celebrate his 65th birthday...i have a shot taken with him and the rest of our family right here so the first glaring observation i made was how he is NOT here for breakfast, photos, aquarium adventures or thanksgiving...but i'll move on to what we do have...
a family of seals below...
sea in her new rudolf slippers...
breakfast with my mom and sister...yummy food (coast toast is a souffle french toast with orange, topped with real maple syrup)...mexican hot chocolate with espresso in it...
we went down to get closer to the seals...
sea and story explored in a cave...
and stood on their own island right before the wave came in...
waving good bye with angee marci...
then off to the aquarium...

outside at the "hands-on" tide pools...

inside...


gorgeous light, sun filtered through cloudy skies...the view from the tide pools outside the aquarium...
and sea inside a shark...
have a wonderful thanksgiving!