san diego county fair

initially i was just going to post photos of our day...until i realized i had "narrowed them down" to over 60! so i guess i'll try to choose about 10 and include a short caption for each and leave the flickr link to get the experience of the full day...while i'm waiting for these to upload, i'll add that we've gone to the beach probably 6 times since i've been back from my mom's...three days last weekend, fourth of july, and the past couple days...

(i was having trouble accessing my photos on my external hard drive...)

in other important news for our family (and facing my issues with procrastination and need to take responsibility for difficult issues), my husband and i pulled everything out of our disorganized garage (my stuff, not his that needs tending to) and painted the dingy yellowy creamy disgusting walls a bright white! very rewarding...two days of work later we have some of the items back in but i have a lot of things to go through (read: "get rid of") in the coming days...so i thought i'd get in a post while my family is sound asleep after 9 HOURS at the beach today...literally 11 something until after 8 and after sunset!

i really want to post a reply to my friend tanya's most recent post but also want to include photos from said inaccessible hard drive so that post will wait for morning, too...so here are 12 memorable photos from the fair...we went there over a week ago...you can tell i love the ferris wheel as it is in most of the shots :)

before i forget some of the details of the day...we started by visiting the various animals...petting zoo...searched for various baby animals...then we headed over to the children's rides...we asked if there was a larger ferris wheel and were sent back on the other side...

 view headed to the top of the ferris wheel:

 looking up from the bottom of the ferris wheel:

 ferris wheel and del mar beach in the background of our ride on the swings...my husband took this shot of sea and me (bottom right corner) from his vantage point with story in the swing behind us:

next we ate some vegetarian burritos and grilled corn on the cob (there was a lot of unhealthy food to choose from...we had a giant serving of garlic fries to supplement)...ate giant chocolate dipped ice cream cones and went to look for some more rides...

 love the shadows and contrast of light this time of day...

sea and story had fun sliding down a giant slide just to the left of this photo...

 sea watching someone bungy jump...i catch the action of her glee and the ferris wheel at once :)

 the bumper cars were probably sea and story's favorite since they both got to drive...i was extra happy with this ride because the ticket collector let the children go in free "as long as they can drive"...

 the fair at night...our whole family walked through a house of mirrors (ferris wheel in the background):

 sea going on a crazy upside down spinny ride with her dad (they were both super excited...she barely made the height requirement)...

welp, here is the flickr link if you want to see the full day...

i'm off to bed...hoping i can be productive enough tomorrow to get to the post in reply to my friend tanya...she is a dear friend!

needing to write a complete post

i just checked if my blog was on the blogroll on blogher for nablopomo...it was buried at 1540 of almost 2000...a few titles caught my eye i may go back and check out but really i feel like i'm just a number out there and i'm not trying to get a blog following anyway so why do i still notice things like i had 8 people read a post that was only a title i meant to come back and fill in? coming back and filling in is NOT something you do in the blog world because readers don't come back to check...what you write on any given day, the current post, is what is considered alive...i know this, yet i fill in because most of what i write is for me...my family...more of a journal of my journey than sharing with the world...so why a public blog? hmmm...good question...because i WANT to be a writer people follow and want to read and learn something from and want to answer my questions and share their opinions and ideas and knowledge and be part of a blogging community...only that requires TIME and i don't have enough of it right now. or at least am not good enough at prioritizing what to do with the time that i do have. so i get down quick summary sentences and a few phrases of snippets of my life and consider it good enough for now while my head swims with all i'd like to write about...even the little things my children say and do get saved in my head not quite long enough to make it to paper or this blog and i feel like life is slipping past me...so i try to balance between living life and capturing it...this has been one of my biggest blog themes, life themes, really...

so today i really want to write a complete post...but instead i will make sea's lunch, get her school clothes ready, make her breakfast, rush out the door much faster than i should considering i do these same things every day and every day i try to allow more time so i won't be rushed and somehow procrastinate or sabotage to be pushing and pushing myself and her...i really want to wake up early enough to eat a leisurely breakfast together...talk with each other, sip tea or coffee...then WALK the mile to school, slowly...but i'm not a morning person and neither is she so instead it is later than i'd like to be in bed myself when my children are finally exhausted enough to fall asleep at night which sets up this same rushed schedule...

i have a lot of topics left to fill in...the fall festival at sea's school and our first grade booth "----1st cafe", halloween parade, crafts and trick-or-treating...and now today i'll be teaching the second art corps lesson in sea's class...i could do all these things just in photos and have them mostly covered...but i didn't videotape any trick-or-treating and i don't want to forget the cute things sea and story said at each door...

so i may or may not get back to these...or i may or may not write a complete post anytime soon...really, what is complete when you constantly analyze life? everything connects to something and every time i figure something out, there is another way to look at it or my views change with experience...maybe that is why i called this blog mommy's JOURNEY because that's what life is...always moving, changing, growing but enjoying the ride along the way...

happy "ubu" day every day

i love this photo from sea's first valentine's day at school...i made her a necklace with yarn and a heart with missing diamonds her auntie breezy gave her...she is holding a card for her teacher and 24 identical valentines she made. the title of this post is "ubu" which is pronounced "uhhhb ewe" and is how chewey (story) used to say "love you" so that is how we still say it to one another in our family...

i was feeling sorry for myself this morning with a giant red rudolph-inspired pimple in the center of my forward, disheveled hair, no shower, messy kitchen, table, house...too much on my to do list...but this photo cheered me up and changed my focus...

story is playing happily alone...i'm listening to classical music...breathing...sipping hot carob milk that is just a little too warm to drink...my mom is still sleeping...manuel's mom and brother and his fiance are headed down shortly for sea's talent show...her eye is healing well (she ran into a wall at the party sunday)...

i'm being way too indulgent writing anything at all right now but somehow it felt like what i needed to do to feel centered and start my day...off to check things off my list!

too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

---

ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

school...siblings...sea and story

i have 15 minutes of "free" time to come up a post from last night...i had no themes or ideas in my head so i just posted a general title and put a photo i really like of my children...and that was enough...but then i had so many ideas in my head as i lay in bed i wanted to get up and post...tiredness won out...

today (tonight)'s post will be one in my weekly series on recording my childhood...fifth grade...not a great year for me...i haven't even allowed myself to brainstorm what i'll write about nor found any supporting photos so it may be a sparse post...or i may get something up like i did last night and then fill in the details the next day?! weird procrastination habit i've picked up lately...

story is taking an early nap today...allowing me to let my brain spill some of this out...soothing sound of the dryer in the background...listening to simon and garfunkel on pandora...gray cloudy skies either bring out my depressive side or help me focus inward and on the joy i have inside...fortunately the latter is true today...no coffee or tea to sip as i type (too many cups of coffee when i went out to breakfast with two old high school friends this morning)...so since i have too much in my head and too little time, i'm going to just make a list of some of the things we did this week just to use this blog as a record of life and to remind myself of things i hope to blog about later but never will because new things will happen instead...

monday

we had our weekly breakfast with cara (friends since we were 6) and her 1-year-old daughter bria. cara buys all these yummy gourmet organic groceries and doesn't like to cook so she lets me take over her kitchen and story plays happily while i go crazy in her kitchen and then eat way too much while we catch up comparing notes on being mommies and our crazy moms...

later that afternoon sea attended an art class at my very dear friend char's house...we are trying to do this weekly, too...she made me yummy chai (too much caffeine and sugar = i was up LATE) that i always look forward...they spread out fall leaves and prickly balls and drew and colored them with oil pastels...loved this...

wednesday

parent-teacher conference (so much more to write about on that one) and then that night we went to the gym and i did my first trial walk for the half marathon in february...423 calories burnt...3.91 miles in 1 hour...and that was walking...i have a lot of work to get to 13 miles!

thursday

story and i went to waldorf preschool in the morning. manuel picked up sea and two of her kindergarten friends from school and took them to the pool...they had a blast...lovely sunny day...

i'm forgetting several other things that were swimming in my head...but i'll leave you with this photo of sea SO happy...i can't even remember why...i suppose it doesn't matter...

i posted a question about expectations for kindergarten...still trying to figure out what mine are...i hope to brainstorm and share more in later posts...probably not before monday...

MPT #5 3rd grade: the world doesn't revolve around me

here is my 3rd grade class photo...i'm the 5th person from the left on the top row...

oh man, my 'procrastination, wait until the last minute sabotage' style of doing things that are important to me is already shining through in my "late" details of third grade. i've been trying to figure out why i waited so long and didn't come through on this...i suppose it is because up until 3rd grade my life was pretty idyllic and sugar coated and i was an optimist who believed my world was perfect. nothing really that traumatic happened to me (and now i feel badly for those who did read my lack of post and commented their interest was piqued!) but as i thought back to the major theme from this year, this is when i first remember experiencing depression. and anxiety. and disappointment. and feeling left out. and that my dreams might not come true.

contrast this with my constant need for attention (and successfully achieving it) along with the belief that i was special and important and going to do something big in my life...my narcissism began early thus the idea "the world doesn't revolve around me" which i didn't believe, but it was my first taste that my life might not work out the way i'd dreamt or believed...allow me a little free associating and analysis here...i suppose it is symbolic and noteworthy that part of what i was taught growing up was the importance of APPEARANCE...in how i look outwardly but more importantly in my family, to appear happy as more important than actually experiencing happiness...that sounds harsh and of course that was never explicit but i just felt like sadness or anger were never acceptable emotions and from an early age i learned to pretend everything was alright and bottle my negative emotions...

...so to connect these dots, i suppose i don't even want to address these negative memories and feelings in this post even though that is the most vivid memory i have from this age...

i'm rambling around the idea i'm trying to get at...basically what i recall most distinctively from third grade was that i didn't like the teacher very well and she didn't like me and would single me and my friend cara out. cara's mom was much more confrontational than my parents (remember my family liked to pretend like everything was alright or avoided conflict whenever possible) and ended up pulling cara out of this class. so my memory wasn't even about not liking the teacher; it was the trauma of having my best friend and security moved to another class...i would watch her laughing and making new friends and felt very abandoned and rejected and like i had "lost" someone very dear to me...i was desperately looking for someone i could attach to, connect with, feel understood and loved and then i felt like i "got" this in 2nd grade and lost it the next year. this happened about the time my study in psychology shows depression might show up anyway, so i'm not making this causative per se...

hmm...i think maybe i should have labeled this post more about depression instead of about the world not revolving around me...i guess even though i had a younger sister born when i was 3, i managed to still get most of the attention anyway. my neighbors 5 years or so older than me really built me up to be so brilliant and have so much potential and i felt adored, loved, special to so many people before 3rd grade...i guess the loss of my friend cara was the first experience i had of not being able to control everything in my life. that i couldn't manipulate everyone into giving me my way or creating the life i imagined.

this was also the year i got a "C" in art ?! sorry, i'm still upset about that...i have always loved art and though i never thought i had a talent in it per se, it was such a blow to get only "satisfactory" instead of "excellent" or whatever i believed i should have gotten at that age. really i don't think art should ever be graded...fortunately i didn't let my love for art go because of this. i think i would have gone into an art field if i'd been encouraged, though...

it is late and i've lost my ideas...i'll try to finish this post tomorrow night and appreciate your patience if you are checking back!

**11/07 update: i still don't have the energy to write more about 3rd grade but did add a little present day perspective in today's post...i won't make any promises about finishing this but may be inspired the day i'm writing 4th grade! :) **

this is the 5th in a series recording my childhood through mommy's piggytales (MPT)
i'll be writing about 4th grade the end of next week so i need to finish these ideas up in the next few days! thanks for your patience as i deal with these psychological hang ups i obviously still haven't sufficiently worked out!

MPT #3 1st grade: embracing independence

ahh...procrastination...can be my motivator but when i have two children having meltdowns and not napping, i really need to take on this blast to the past project several days before it is "due"...here is my 1st grade school picture...again, naturally stick straight hair curled to my mother's liking, she sewed my raggedy ann dress...here is my daughter's kindergarten school photo from this year:
i came across many more preschool photos when visiting my mom's house so forgive my indulgence as i throw in a few more memories from those years (kind of cheating or evidence of my lack of organization/planning)...this photo was taken when i was a flower girl in a cousin's wedding. apparently i was being very difficult the day of so someone offered me a very large gumball if i'd cooperate and go down the aisle...i guess i then blew huge gum bubbles the whole way (though i do appear to be concentrating on my flower dropping task in the photo)...
here is the advertisement i mentioned in the last MPT "mommy's pigtails" post
i know this photo of my hands and feet is taking us even pre-preschool, but i included them because i've always had really LONG skinny feet...they've had lots of nicknames over the years and i've been self-conscious of them but finally i've reached a point where that is the size foot a 6 foot tall person should have even if it is hard to find a woman's size 11 shoe in normal styles...
here is another photo of my mom's dad with myself (left) and my sister (right)...
here is one of me, my mom's mom, my mom and my sister...i like the smirk on both of the adults' faces...
and one more of me cuddling up to my mom...i find this photo noteworthy because i became so independent soon after this age...
this was my sister's 3rd birthday (i was 6)...i can see my missing front tooth which was prominent in several other photos from this age...
here i am with my siamese cat "piewackit" my mom got the name from some movie and i have no idea how to spell it...i always thought it was weird...
here are some of our play chairs made into a bed...i believe my grandma made the bed cover...bright green shag carpet...lots of 70's going on here...
my sister and i liked to build and create together in these pre-school years...
here is the swingset in our backyard...me hugging my sister at the top...i believe these were children from the preschool she had in her home...
and here are yet more children from said preschool...i'm the 5th one and my sister is to my left...
here is a jungle gym of sorts in our side yard...
sometimes my sister and i would sleep together...
we also went peach picking as a family once a year and then canned and froze them...
i think i'm only a year or so old in this photo but i included it so you could see our classic orange station wagon...the back window even rolled down and you could ride backwards in the way back...
we also went on an annual quest for wild flowers...here i am with my dad (with his redskins hat) and sister in a field of wild poppies (california's state flower if you didn't know)...
i remember the year before i started school we took a trip to yosemite...once i get the children to sleep i'll include a couple stories from that trip...
and since halloween is almost here i thought i'd include this photo...also stories from trick-or-treating if i have time...
this is a photo of my daughter sea with her special little tiger "goggin"...i noticed in the next photo i was holding a white tiger for a photo, too, though i don't remember playing with it...
my mom really worked with the curling iron and feathering for these shots...also noteworthy are all the missing teeth and permanent top teeth coming in...
this photo of my daughter was taken last month when she lost her first tooth...she had just turned 5 so we both lost teeth early...
i always slept in crazy positions....here are those sponge rollers i was telling you about...
and finally, the end result of said rollers for my curly hair for my first day of 1st grade...

so i have a lot to write about...as if i didn't already have too many photos...but i don't have a very good organization...i mentioned during my preschool years post that i didn't attend kindergarten so this was my first year in school...i honestly don't remember the first day that well but it is because i more or less walked out of my parent's home and never looked back (figuratively and literally)...i embraced independence as i chose for the theme for this year...ready to be on my own...i may have actually been TOO independent at this age which is a theme that will run through later posts...

i attended a 12 year christian private school (all 12 years i might add) and just recently co-chaired the reunion planning committee for our 20 year high school reunion (more on that in later posts)...my teacher was mrs. krominga (no idea how to spell her name...it sounded a little bit like captain kangaroo, a show i liked from about that era...there were about 30 students in my class and there were 2 other first grade classes...the school was about 5 minutes from our home and my dad usually drove us to school. he worked right down the street at the university...this school was very influenced by both the predominant religion of the little community and the medical center/dental school/professional and those ideas will run through later posts as well...for now, my early memories of first grade include LOVING gymnastics (which i was in most of the time i was in school despite my height and awkwardness), being very social/verbal/competitive in school "i know the answer!" sort of obnoxious student...i remember competing with a boy i had a crush on...more on him in my 2nd grade post...

i remember this year as being quite carefree...i enjoyed school, extracurricular activities, friends, my place in the world and embraced my independence...

free association on recording my childhood

i have taken on the ambitious endeavor of recording my childhood through mommyspiggytales.com...check out this link if you want to join in the next 24 hours or so! my leader is gretchen who has gone through this process before. here is a post about recording her mom's childhood this time around (her mom died suddenly last year). my dad died 4 years ago and it still seems so new...unfathomable...i would totally love to do the same thing for him next year.

this first photo is taken with my mom in our neighbor's pool when i was just a toddler (she can't swim and hates the water so it is really quite surprising)...i'll be relying on her for my first post in the series; (TOMORROW!) my birth story...i'm sure we'll both have a lot to learn about each other through this process...i'm going to check with gretchen on how to go about weaving a theme through my posts...i think there are definitely many i could brainstorm about...but first, as we blast to the past together (look behind) i thought a photo of me from behind would be appropriate...
the ideas i've been tossing around in my head that all are sort of inter-connected are:
--searching for me
--feeling misunderstood
--explaining myself
--finding me and moving my focus to others (my family)
--self-absorption
--being a child again through remembering
--allowing myself to play and be a child with my own children in the present
--mindful parenting/unconditional parenting...resolving this lack in my childhood and repairing it with my own children

before children i spent 7 years working on my master's thesis...the main themes i was exploring was the importance of integrity in self-concept, meaning in life and happiness...so i think if i was to summarize my goal for this recording of my childhood it would be something like:
"the quest for me: finding the balance between who i am, happiness, meaning and living outside of myself" although just reading that i am confused and i'm supposed to be the one presenting these ideas...that is why this is my brainstorm post, right?

did i mention that i always wanted to be a writer as a child/teen/adult but never felt i could be because i got too depressed or self-absorbed or sabotaged my efforts...too caught up in deadlines and lack of motivation and having too much to say and not wanting to cut anything out and rambling and believing my perspective was more important than the story i was telling?...i still have a lot of these same issues but i'm hoping to move outside of myself, look at this through my daughter and son's eyes as they hope to learn about their mommy...so i have a lot more to say...a lot more disclaimers and "forgive me for ___" which i then do anyway...i'm still self-absorbed but look forward to reading everyone else's stories and presenting my own with the emphasis on my children...here i am about to go off the high dive into the DEEP end...metaphorically speaking i'm ready for the plunge...thanks for joining me!