MPT #1 my birth: missing something or someone

i is fitting that the first photo is of ME pregnant instead of my mom...i can be quite self-absorbed and am always trying to find myself in there somewhere...i would have put one of my mom pregnant with me but those childhood photos are at her house. yesterday i was free associating in a post on this journey of recording my childhood and concluded i was ready to "dive in" to the task...i don't really think i am ready. i feel like i need too many disclaimers and explanations before i begin...instead of going in to them all, i'll list a few that i'll probably hit on throughout this journey but for now i'm in a funk and don't have the energy:
1. i do my best work when i wait until the last minute which means i sometimes don't get it done or sabotage my endeavors (i can then conveniently blame "lack of time" on not coming through)
2. i ramble and free associate a lot...have too much to say...have a chaotic writing style
3. i over-analyze everything
4. i'm an idealist/tragic-romantic type...usually looking for the good in most things even if i'm critical or depressive on the way
5. i change perspective a lot...blast to the past, look at it through the present, look to the future i hope for my children and family
6. i don't have most of my childhood photos with me (which is a good thing or i could never choose and would never do this)

finally, before i begin, what i'm hoping to do in this journey of recording my childhood is share myself with my children so they can understand and learn about their mom and hopefully so i can do the same! figure myself out...where i came from...what i value now...so i can live with more integrity and practice mindful parenting with my children and be the wife i'd like to be for my husband.

so now that i've clarified i don't think this project is all about ME...here is a photo of my mom about the time she gave birth to me:

and me looking up at her adoringly after a bath in the sink:
so much history...where do i begin...with how i look at my life now? what i think impacted this view? and then work backwards? i guess i have 15 posts to weave in all those details...the photos i uploaded before i left town to fill in are rather random...i'll try to be more organized in the next few weeks...here is photo of me as a young girl...
and then one of my son at close to the same age (he looks more like his dad but i could see a little of myself in there)...
and me at my first birthday...
and me with a dog i don't remember but interestingly enough we've been thinking about getting this type of dog...
and i always grew up with cats...so here is my daughter with our cat claire...
and my daughter with her toy monkey...
and me with my toy...
and me with the neighbor girl linda (i called her "ginky") in the neighborhood i grew up in...
i suppose my journey should go back to my grandparents...again, don't have the proper photos for this but here is one with me, my mom's mom, my mom and my sister. my grandma mimi (which is what my mom has my children call her now) was very old for her age. she was on her way to not getting married when my grandfather swept her off her feet and my mom came along as a surprise when she was in her 40's...my mom is off by a generation because of this as her mom's twin sister had her first child at 16 so my mom's nieces and nephews were older than her!
my dad passed away 4 years ago and i don't have the energy to go into that, but i'll briefly tell you he grew up in virginia (the south), the oldest of 4 children. he was a very "good" child and son and adult and did what he should and could to please his parents. he got married to my mom and had a professional job and our house was completed (they had it built) 2 weeks before i was born so they were "ready" for me. they were both 32 when i was born which was about 10 years older than most of the parents from that generation. they tried for a year to conceive and then when my mom went to the doctor she told him "i'm just too sick to get pregnant, i guess" to which he informed her she WAS pregnant. my mom had always wanted a girl and prayed and prayed that God would give her a girl. the day after valentine's day (this "missing" the love day theme will play itself out in future posts), on february 15, 1972, my mom went in to labor. the doctors told her to walk around and help things progress and soon after her water broke and i was born at 4:52 p.m. i wish i had more details about how she felt, the birth experience, her memories of first holding me, her hopes for me, etc. but that was all she could offer. i should add, while we are on this "missing something" theme that my mom was in a very serious car accident in college and has substantial memory loss...mainly she was unable to form meaningful long-term memories after the accident so the details of my birth fall into that category. i am also very sad that i don't have my dad anymore to fill in...

i was named after my mom's best childhood friend, denise. i'm not sure if it is noteworthy or not that they had a falling out and are no longer friends. my middle name is leanne and i didn't like that name (it was a common one...my sister's middle name is lee) so i used to tell people it was pollyanna which is funny to me now since i think that name is worse! but it is more dramatic which fits with me.

i wish i had more energy and time...so much to say and the stories aren't coming together...i guess i have many more opportunities...oh, i forgot to include in my disclaimers i feel compelled to write this like an autobiography with a theme running through but i'm going to let it flow naturally and organically and save editing for later....i'll leave you with a photo of my mom, dad and i before my sister was born. we lived in the same house that they had built my whole life until i left for college and my mom still lives there...just deleted said photo :( along with a little summary on missing something or someone (my dad, being understood, etc.)...will fill in the details later

this post is the first in a MPT ("mommy's piggy tales") series recording my childhood. janna created her website to help people record their memories on set dates with the support of others in a group doing the same. check out their stories or share your own here.

free association on recording my childhood

i have taken on the ambitious endeavor of recording my childhood through mommyspiggytales.com...check out this link if you want to join in the next 24 hours or so! my leader is gretchen who has gone through this process before. here is a post about recording her mom's childhood this time around (her mom died suddenly last year). my dad died 4 years ago and it still seems so new...unfathomable...i would totally love to do the same thing for him next year.

this first photo is taken with my mom in our neighbor's pool when i was just a toddler (she can't swim and hates the water so it is really quite surprising)...i'll be relying on her for my first post in the series; (TOMORROW!) my birth story...i'm sure we'll both have a lot to learn about each other through this process...i'm going to check with gretchen on how to go about weaving a theme through my posts...i think there are definitely many i could brainstorm about...but first, as we blast to the past together (look behind) i thought a photo of me from behind would be appropriate...
the ideas i've been tossing around in my head that all are sort of inter-connected are:
--searching for me
--feeling misunderstood
--explaining myself
--finding me and moving my focus to others (my family)
--self-absorption
--being a child again through remembering
--allowing myself to play and be a child with my own children in the present
--mindful parenting/unconditional parenting...resolving this lack in my childhood and repairing it with my own children

before children i spent 7 years working on my master's thesis...the main themes i was exploring was the importance of integrity in self-concept, meaning in life and happiness...so i think if i was to summarize my goal for this recording of my childhood it would be something like:
"the quest for me: finding the balance between who i am, happiness, meaning and living outside of myself" although just reading that i am confused and i'm supposed to be the one presenting these ideas...that is why this is my brainstorm post, right?

did i mention that i always wanted to be a writer as a child/teen/adult but never felt i could be because i got too depressed or self-absorbed or sabotaged my efforts...too caught up in deadlines and lack of motivation and having too much to say and not wanting to cut anything out and rambling and believing my perspective was more important than the story i was telling?...i still have a lot of these same issues but i'm hoping to move outside of myself, look at this through my daughter and son's eyes as they hope to learn about their mommy...so i have a lot more to say...a lot more disclaimers and "forgive me for ___" which i then do anyway...i'm still self-absorbed but look forward to reading everyone else's stories and presenting my own with the emphasis on my children...here i am about to go off the high dive into the DEEP end...metaphorically speaking i'm ready for the plunge...thanks for joining me!

trying to get story to sleep

that's about it for tonight i'm afraid :( no photo even unless i succeed and can get back up...looking forward to starting a chronicle of my childhood through high school starting on thursday...will write an overview/introduction tomorrow...

our good samaritan

yesterday we were running errands, manuel lost his iphone and two random strangers, erica and juan miraculously worked to get it back to us...amazing! we are blessed!

in memory of lorie

this photo of lorie (in the middle) making karri laugh and arlene smile while we were camping together was taken october 15th, 2004...just shy of 4 years before she passed away. i wanted to write something poignant about her brilliance (she shown like a gem...her personality was so effervescent, she was one of the smartest people i knew and made most people close to her feel like THEY were the most brilliant/special) and maybe something about my depression and difficulty after losing my dad...how i just can't process losing anyone else and i need to reach out to lorie's mom and a couple other people who have lost family members since...but i don't have the energy.

so instead i'm copying and pasting the piece i wrote for the "tribute to lorie" booklet i helped construct for her memorial service:

dear lorie,

I’ve been putting off writing this because until I do I feel like you are still out there somewhere and I can just call you up or come over and connect in some way and I won’t have to write any final words…

I got the call on a monday and by tuesday I was driving up to visalia trying to sort out my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions…nine hours later I was at your bedside trying to decide how to tell you how much you meant to me or if I should focus on saying goodbye and how much I’d miss you or I should tell you that I knew you could fight and pull through…but then when I saw you I was just struck by your strength. I didn’t feel like you would want to say goodbye or have me feel sad about losing you so I held your hand tightly and told you how much I love you and focused on the present. that is one thing I learned from you for sure…the importance of living in the moment and appreciating life and those around you…I truly believe you packed over 100 years into your short 36…you were able to move a few fingers and lift your leg and I felt you were the one supporting me as always at a time I so wanted to be there for you so I just squeezed your hand more tightly and hoped you would intuit these things…you never kept track of who owed who and always gave so freely of yourself so I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated that…by the end of the week all medical signs indicated we were losing you but I suppose one of the ideas I want to convey is that you will never be lost…your spirit lives on in so many ways! One of the last touching moments I had was at your bedside with arlene, both holding on to you for the last time and you lifted your arm a little...not once, but twice and I believe in your own way you were hugging us…not goodbye, but to let us know you will always be there…

There are so many things I want to tell you; reminisce about working together at brava, celebrations shared, ALWAYS laughing together, thank you for so many things, mostly I just want to be with you. I’ve been having these conversations with you in my mind, in dreams, and I suppose these are just more indicators you will always be with us…but there were a couple of specific things I wanted to emphasize…my husband was saying how you were “unapologetically yourself” and this was so important to me throughout our friendship. You were ok with your weaknesses and embraced your strengths and taught me to do the same at a time when I was very vulnerable and insecure. Secondly, you made me feel special and cherished by you every moment we spent together. If I can just love myself and help others feel loved the way you did with me, this will be just one more way your spirit can live on…

Lorie I could go on and on…you were one of the most brilliant people I knew…in many ways beyond intelligence; your quick wit, sense of humor, intuition and ability to read people and hang with the cool crowd or nerds or strangers…you made each person feel special and brought life to every interaction. People were drawn to you and wanted to be a part of lorie’s world. I always told you you should be a writer and just write life through your eyes…I’m trying to do this through this booklet but beyond that your life lives on in our memories…may it also live on in how we live our lives…may we learn from your example to embrace our opportunities to love ourselves and others and make the most of every day…I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on... anyhooo…that is all I have until I can hold on to you for always in heaven

Love, denise

funny after i just re-read this (2 years later) i realized i wanted to write about her brilliance back then, too...she was just one of those people who GOT it...how to live life, treat people, connect, be in the present, give of herself...i miss her so much...right now i just want to laugh together...she could always make the most difficult situations either funny or give people perspective it wasn't THAT bad...i'm rambling through my pain and not very articulate but just felt i should get something down on this anniversary of her passing.

bye bye miss american pie

late last night i got this e-mail message from my friend vickie (blonde to my right):

"Hi all,
Just remembering Sunday is 10/3, the day the music of Miss Lorie Jean died.

Nancy, our second annual Loriepalooza this year was spent in Rhode Island at Leialoha's wedding. Slight irony, I know, but she would've approved. We had an amazing trip and Lorie was abosuletely with us in spirit. I even wore the necklace of hers that you gave me to be sure. It was a grand time she would've loved.

But next year, we'll be back on with the third annual Loriepalooza, complete with t-shirts and whiskey. Jones, should we book the date now?

Anyway, here's to Lorie, Lorie, bo borie. I'm still pissed at her for exiting too early.

Lots of love to all and 'specially to Nancy this weekend.

Love you guys!!

-vick

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.
But October made me shiver
With every laugh I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"this'll be the day that I die."...."

lorie died 2 years ago on the third of october...i needed to give myself 24 hours to reflect and write about missing her...maybe tomorrow on the anniversary of her death...here is the post when she originally died (and a great photo of us together)...this photo here is from her bridal shower...she is the one seated...she was only 36...i can't get "bye-bye miss american pie" out of my head...thinking about smiling and dancing and laughing because of her...

smiles...sea showing off her lost tooth

sea lost her first tooth last saturday and i haven't been able to let it go...i've wanted to blog about several topics but couldn't move past this one with all the cute shots of her leading up to losing her tooth. we made a pillow together (still have to make the little tooth fairy and tiny pocket for the tooth on top) but even those photos didn't quite come together with my ideal of this process...i joined nablopomo for october to motivate myself to move on...keep posting even if i'm not as moved...november is their biggest "post every day for a month" month with prizes for those who do...the theme this month is PLAY which i figure i can focus a lot on...both in time together with sea between school and alone with story...plus i'm going to start recording my childhood weekly beginning with my birth story on october 7...if you'd like to join this process sign up here and they recommend you not only look through old photos and things that remind you of your childhood but focus on PLAYING yourself to remind yourself what childhood feels like...
so here is sea the monday after losing her tooth showing it off to her classmates...

i love the profile shots...
and of course showing her teacher...
finally, she found brooke who had lost the same tooth a couple weeks ago...
proud toothy grins...
and i'll leave you with my favorite, a close-up of their smiles with a missing tooth...
sea had picture day at school yesterday and i told her to try and smile with her teeth so we could see the missing tooth...that advice may back fire on me as i remember my responses to my mom's similar requests were either the opposite or an exaggerated version of her request...we'll know in a couple of weeks...