25 not so random things

i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "the xmas photo that never got sent" and then wrote my own version of "25 random things" about myself...only i was very hormonal and 0verly emotional and dramatic and obsessive and depressive and all the things i hoped i wouldn't be when i wrote them...but a lot of them are blog-worthy so comment away if you want to hear more about any of these...here they are:

1. i feel desperate to begin with qualifiers to everything else i will list and could easily make this all about what it is not
2. i still have way too many issues with commitment, giving up choices, options, fear of loss...
3. i was fundamentally hurt by the loss of my dad in ways i could have never imagined
4. committing to spend the rest of my life with manuel was the best decision i ever made
5. it is all i can do to not make this list about him, my children, my family and friends
6. i'm much better at getting people to talk about themselves than i am at talking about myself...this paradox continues in many other areas that i will most likely hit later but while i'm on this topic, it is a little ironic to me that i will drop anything going on in my life to help a friend in need but feel desperate and crazy at the thought of asking for help myself even if it is a very small request...back to fear of rejection or pride or hating to feel out of control...
7. despite this giving side to myself (or maybe in part because of it) i am way too self-absorbed and can make way too much about me...looking at the picture from inside the frame instead of seeing what is outside of myself or the bigger picture...
8. a few years ago i could have never written this list; made myself so vulnerable, committed to so few items (oh wait, i still can't commit to only 25...see # 25), completed this task, and/or self-initiated embarking on creating this list...although i still don't think i've "found" myself or completely know who i am or feel completely secure with who i am, after writing my thesis on the importance of integrity and consistency between who you believe you are and what brings you meaning and happiness to your life, well, let's just say i can at least list 25 random things about myself without freaking out they aren't the best things or most representative things...oh wait, i am still freaking out...but at least i'm listing things anyway...
9. my obsessive tendencies have hurt me and many people i care about so i struggle to not let them overtake me
10. writing is both my savior and can cycle me into more self-absorption and depression...related to this, i have kept a journal regularly since i was 8 years old! in fact, i love writing so much that i have a very distinct visual memory of a writing assignment in one of the early elementary grades...it was on the big lined paper with dashes in between when kids were just learning handwriting and we were supposed to write a short story that the teacher then laminated and hung on the wall for all the parents and other students to view during a class open house...most people wrote a story on one sheet but mine was maybe like 10 pages linked together and so long it curled up at the end on the floor so you had to straighten it out to read the whole thing...that problem of writing too much still seems to carry on today...but it is very therapeutic for to ramble and free associate so thanks for allowing me this luxury!
11. i've found blogging to be a healthy outlet for my creativity, obsessions, fears, dreams...it allows me to share meaning in the mundane and fleeting moments of everyday life and combines my love of writing with my love of photos...did i mention i currently have 46788 photos in iphoto?
12. i really miss reading...this is one passion i gave up with small children but still thoroughly enjoy reading to them and hope their love of reading will allow me to return to my own reading when we can all someday read together...i did join a book club with other mommies so maybe this year i can at least read a book a month and make it to some meetings...
13. i love art and music and never thought i had talent in either but in the past few years i've even expanded my view to believe i am creative/expressive in odd ways i wouldn't have seen before
14. my daughter is very talented musically (she can sing full songs with perfect pitch)...i'm thinking maybe i can fulfill one of my dreams and be a back-up singer (wait, this is one more random thing i can add here...as much as i love attention and most would guess that i would want to be the lead singer, i actually prefer to sing the harmony) in a band with her someday...i'd also love to learn to play the guitar...
15. i always believe less is more, strive for simplicity in my life but when it comes to writing (and often talking) i can't help but ramble on and free associate
16. i spent too much of my life believing i cared more about (or at least put more effort into) many of my friendships but over the years most of my friends have proved me wrong and i feel incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful support network
17. i believe i will someday publish a work of non-fiction...possibly a memoir/biography of words i'd say to my closest friends at their funeral...only before they die...memories, how they've touched my life, how much they mean to me, etc....ideally they would write something similar about each other so we could all learn how much me mean to one another before we are gone...oh to find the time for this one!
18. i have voyeuristic/exhibitionisti

c tendencies...our house is pretty much a fish bowl right now with no curtains, lots of windows and on a main street with many neighbors walking by frequently and i find that i love watching their lives, having them watch mine...also like to visit people's homes and learn what they like to eat, how they spend their time, what they put up on their walls, read, etc...you can imagine i am loving this 25 random things everyone is doing!
19. in junior high i took a personality test and learned i was melancholy/sanguine...most would think the sanguine would come first and it is true that i am very social, love people, love being the center of attention, etc. but really my intensity, passion, creativity is an even stronger force...my cousin chloe is the same and was explaining how these somewhat opposite types work together...it does help me understand some of the many paradoxes in my life...but i'll save those for later...i think i will add here that i view myself as quite emotional and sensitive but most people view me as carefree and laid back...i could do a whole blog on that topic...
20. most of my closest friends know all these things about me...i'm feeling compelled to be more creative or at least more random...see, i'm letting more qualifiers in...so this is feeling more like a "who am i?" exercise instead of the creative, interesting, reading i'd hoped it would be...at least it is fairly vulnerable and raw which i enjoy reading in other people's writings...
21. i love food...especially eating it but also cooking, nutrition, trying new things, learning about different cultures...eating out....having people over to eat...participating in potlucks...
22. someday when my children are out of the nest i'd love be a photojournalist and travel the world with manuel...we are both passionate about traveling...we would uproot our family and live across the world but we are both close with our extended families so that idea is on hold for now...
23. still struggling to get "random"...i like to do the unexpected...be different... i've spent a large portion of my life feeling misunderstood and torn over whether i like that or wish more people could relate with me...through the years i've really learned the value of consistency and predictability...again, a whole blog topic in and of itself...
24. to cycle this list back around to others while still being about me; if you've been tagged you can opt to write 25 random things about me instead since mine haven't been too random...tag me and ask me to do the same for you as i'm sure i'd do a better job than writing about myself...
25. i have to do 25 more...my perfectionistic tendencies are kicking in and i have too much more to say...so keep your eyes open for items 26 through 50 in the next few days...i promise these will be more random...

thanks for reading and hopefully participating! love, denise

ok...that was one of the easiest ways to get back in to blogging yet...sorry for the re-post for some of you but i'd love your feedback and to read yours...