walls

so it is almost 4 a.m. and i'm up...babies went to bed around midnight (too much excitement here at mimi's house with my mom and sister) so they were both squirming around but are probably going to stay asleep for a bit so i can free associate...i found this photo in my sister's batch. it was taken in my mom's side yard by her olive tree with a "wall" in the background but i am free associating so i get to stretch it's applicability to this post...we have an established olive tree in our back yard that somehow connects my past, living here as a child, to the present, with my daughter happily enjoying the freedom of swinging without worrying about the things that keep me up at night...let's hope i don't pass too much of my anxieties on to her or that she can avoid these worries for many, many carefree years...

my idea for a post on walls came with my decision to allow people to post on my "wall" on facebook. many of you readers are my friends there (if not, ask to be so!) so you will have your own experiences with this topic that may or may not be a complete sign of how self-absorbed i can really be...anyway, i didn't have a wall for over a year of being on there...i told most people this was because i was worried what my students might read (or post) and how it could affect my job but really that was a pretty small concern. i suppose my biggest hesitation all this time has been a lack of self-integration...not so much fear of what the many different people in my life will think of all the different aspects of me that come together on this site, but a lack of understanding of all these aspects myself. like i need some coherent, complete, organized self-concept before i can bring all these elements together on a "wall"...i still don't have that, by the way, which i hope is normal. or maybe i'm not so worried about being "normal" or even glad i'm not (ok, narcissistic views will weave themselves through here, too)...i just want to feel more integrity in my life...that what i value, find meaning in and live is consistent with who i view myself to be...ahhh, back to my thesis

which is not my intent in this post at all...the fact that it took me 7 years to complete should be an indicator that i was fairly preoccupied with the idea...

and i still don't have enough resolution but i suppose i'm posting on this topic to have more courage in this area...to be ok with who i am even if it isn't as integrated as i'd like. to make more mistakes, allow myself to fail, less control, less understanding, and more living...

experience life and be "in" it on a daily basis instead of trying to figure it out, analyze it, record it, remember it...

i'm in the process of planting a garden and hope to spend a good hour there each morning...soaking in the sunshine, feeling the fruits of my labor and sharing this time and experience with my children...

story just woke up and i nursed him back to sleep but he is still not settled so all my free associations on this topic will have to wait...more later on whether i will build walls around my garden (to keep out unknown pests) or put up a wall on the edge of our yard to keep the children in...both of these ideas seem symbolic of larger issues in my life...so i suppose it is good that i don't have the time to reflect on the "walls" i've built for myself over the years to keep people out, protect my heart, avoid being hurt, etc. as they didn't work very well anyway and i'm losing the spirit of this post which is supposed to be about living in the present and taking down my walls (even though the impetus of this post was putting UP my facebook wall!)...

so one noteworthy thing to me was that very few people even noticed i didn't have a facebook wall...or found other ways to contact me, comment on me, etc...i'll be curious to see if this will allow people more access to me or just be more of a mental "letting go" of some of my hang ups? either way...post away here or on my wall...

maybe by story's first birthday next month i'll have the courage to post in my "info" section...descriptions of myself, what i like, quotes, etc. without worrying they aren't good enough, reflective enough, leave out too much, lack integrity, etc. issues that have prevented me from doing that before now...

i've noticed as of late i like to conclude posts with either a summary or something to think about in leaving the post...this particular topic doesn't seem to lend itself to either; probably because i still don't have the resolution that i'm looking for...

so i'll look forward to that garden and living more and welcome your posts on my wall...