there are a lot of photos i could have chosen to depict me "dreaming" or reading to sea and/or story in this rocking chair...but this one seemed to capture the half awake/half asleep reflective state i was just in...i could literally hear the white noise, hum of traffic through my sliding room door, wind chime dinging, sea chatting to herself "reading a book" in the other room, itunes on random blaring in the front room...and still managed to half fall asleep to the rhythmic sucking of story putting himself to sleep on top of me.in those moments of peace...which are very rare and usually interrupted before i'm ready...i was able to have a short dream about my dad. i think about him all the time and get very depressed over the loss of him, but in these moments i'm about to describe i was just present with him...literally inside him kind of...like symbolically i was sitting on his lap as a small child while he read to me (as i had just done with sea before putting story to sleep) but i felt like i was inside of him looking out at life as a parent (?) not sure how to explain this...like i was re-living what he must have experienced parenting me...enjoying time sharing his passion for reading and me soaking it up as sea had with me...in this particular moment he was showing me his journal and i was looking closely at his writing so as not to miss anything...actually, i was looking for his entry...he was talking about how he had left it for someone and the details don't really matter...i felt in the dream like he had created his own time capsule (i had just read a fellow blogger, kristin's blog about a time capsule her mom made of their family memories and wanted to do this myself)...and i wanted to be sure i didn't miss anything and knew where to find it later...another reason why i was dreaming about this is that i'm about to start up the co-op preschool and i want to have an art journal (idea, again, from my neighbor julie's blog who has an online art journal class) for each of the children...basically keep track in writing and art work what we are doing in class each week, milestones, what the children like, what they think about, etc....i'm looking forward to blogging more on this topic in the future as i have a lot of great ideas...
well it is always painful when i think about my dad and i'm already checking out of this topic so to speak. i knew i needed to write about it right away to hold any memory of it. it was a wonderful moment "with" him in a past connected sort of way and i felt incredibly peaceful while it was happening...especially since i realized i wasn't quite dreaming nor was i completely awake...i could just be in that moment and experience peace, so that was nice...
but now i'm off to "to do" lists that are too long and basic parenting i've been neglecting that i must cram in to the now very small window that story is still asleep...
I do understand what you were trying to say about your dad. What a very interesting way to think about it or to feel it. I'm glad you wrote it down as soon as you could.
ReplyDeleteWhat an unexpected thrill to see that this dreamy thought reminded you of my time capsule post. Thanks so much for linking to it! I didn't say it in my post about it, but the letters we wrote "to the house" ended up being so emotional. We emailed our letters to each other and there wasn't a dry eye in the place! My normally sarcastic sister wrote something so touching and deep that it gave me a whole new perspective of her...I knew she had it in her, though :) Anyway, it would be lovely if you made something for your kids that would act as a little time capsule for them. Very touching.
Kristin