more than words

was this photo really taken almost a year ago? story is only a few days old and sea is only 2 something...and telling someone (herself?) to be quiet...something we both struggle with...mostly i just love this photo but i'm starting to feel some peace and calm...maybe even resolution in areas of my life that are way overdue for this...thank you to those of you who helped with this...or i should say continue to help me remember life is a process and not a destination...so for a post that is supposed to be word-free and simply appreciating what is and where i'm at...i really need to stop free associating...

walls

so it is almost 4 a.m. and i'm up...babies went to bed around midnight (too much excitement here at mimi's house with my mom and sister) so they were both squirming around but are probably going to stay asleep for a bit so i can free associate...i found this photo in my sister's batch. it was taken in my mom's side yard by her olive tree with a "wall" in the background but i am free associating so i get to stretch it's applicability to this post...we have an established olive tree in our back yard that somehow connects my past, living here as a child, to the present, with my daughter happily enjoying the freedom of swinging without worrying about the things that keep me up at night...let's hope i don't pass too much of my anxieties on to her or that she can avoid these worries for many, many carefree years...

my idea for a post on walls came with my decision to allow people to post on my "wall" on facebook. many of you readers are my friends there (if not, ask to be so!) so you will have your own experiences with this topic that may or may not be a complete sign of how self-absorbed i can really be...anyway, i didn't have a wall for over a year of being on there...i told most people this was because i was worried what my students might read (or post) and how it could affect my job but really that was a pretty small concern. i suppose my biggest hesitation all this time has been a lack of self-integration...not so much fear of what the many different people in my life will think of all the different aspects of me that come together on this site, but a lack of understanding of all these aspects myself. like i need some coherent, complete, organized self-concept before i can bring all these elements together on a "wall"...i still don't have that, by the way, which i hope is normal. or maybe i'm not so worried about being "normal" or even glad i'm not (ok, narcissistic views will weave themselves through here, too)...i just want to feel more integrity in my life...that what i value, find meaning in and live is consistent with who i view myself to be...ahhh, back to my thesis

which is not my intent in this post at all...the fact that it took me 7 years to complete should be an indicator that i was fairly preoccupied with the idea...

and i still don't have enough resolution but i suppose i'm posting on this topic to have more courage in this area...to be ok with who i am even if it isn't as integrated as i'd like. to make more mistakes, allow myself to fail, less control, less understanding, and more living...

experience life and be "in" it on a daily basis instead of trying to figure it out, analyze it, record it, remember it...

i'm in the process of planting a garden and hope to spend a good hour there each morning...soaking in the sunshine, feeling the fruits of my labor and sharing this time and experience with my children...

story just woke up and i nursed him back to sleep but he is still not settled so all my free associations on this topic will have to wait...more later on whether i will build walls around my garden (to keep out unknown pests) or put up a wall on the edge of our yard to keep the children in...both of these ideas seem symbolic of larger issues in my life...so i suppose it is good that i don't have the time to reflect on the "walls" i've built for myself over the years to keep people out, protect my heart, avoid being hurt, etc. as they didn't work very well anyway and i'm losing the spirit of this post which is supposed to be about living in the present and taking down my walls (even though the impetus of this post was putting UP my facebook wall!)...

so one noteworthy thing to me was that very few people even noticed i didn't have a facebook wall...or found other ways to contact me, comment on me, etc...i'll be curious to see if this will allow people more access to me or just be more of a mental "letting go" of some of my hang ups? either way...post away here or on my wall...

maybe by story's first birthday next month i'll have the courage to post in my "info" section...descriptions of myself, what i like, quotes, etc. without worrying they aren't good enough, reflective enough, leave out too much, lack integrity, etc. issues that have prevented me from doing that before now...

i've noticed as of late i like to conclude posts with either a summary or something to think about in leaving the post...this particular topic doesn't seem to lend itself to either; probably because i still don't have the resolution that i'm looking for...

so i'll look forward to that garden and living more and welcome your posts on my wall...

our moment in history

there are so many things i'm behind on blogging about but i had to capture this moment in history...9 a.m. our time obama being sworn in live on t.v...i actually got all 3 of us looking at the camera and obama behind us...of course i wish it was closer up but i'm happy i shared this historical moment with my children.

i called my east coast relatives to hear what it is like living so close...also, my favorite psychology professor in college, aubyn fulton, is there now...i'm looking forward to hearing what it was like to be there in person...

we just ate pancakes and now i'm getting ready for coop preschool where the kids will have their own parade during the parade in washington...

wish my dad could be here to shake both thumbs up in the air and say "ah---NAW...can you believe it? we'll never forget this moment for the rest of our lives..."sorry, i had to throw in one last photo...

playgroup photos

i've had so much on my mind recently and no time to blog that i'm going to make this post basically all photos from one of the playgroups i'm in...here are recent photos of sea and story with friends at a nearby park...





sorry i'm having formatting issues...sorry for many friends we played with whose photos didn't make it...sorry i'm apologizing so much...etc. etc. this is why i need more free time...grateful i got a few moments to appreciate the joy that is playgroups...thanks to all who make this so special for us...tomorrow i go to a coop i'm in to pick up little seedlings for our new garden...i am growing broccoli and carrots to swap for all sorts of organic goodness...more on that and coop preschool updates and so many other things...

believing less is more

i just left sea and story sleeping together in our bed...much like this photo when story was only 5 days old... only they were facing each other more...they were showing signs of tiredness by 7 tonight and both asleep by 7:30...those of you who know sea know that she sleeps very little so i'm hoping we are all heading for more sleep in 2009...anyway, they have both been stirring since they lay down so this post, with its emphasis on "less" will also be shorter than usual...

this is officially my first post in my "blogger's challenge"...i didn't spend a lot of time obsessing over who to choose as my first inspirational post...in fact, i just chose the first one i read that was inspiring or moved me or was well written or i could relate with...elaine's post on less stuff (and supporting comments) and the previous post by her met all of these criteria at once. she is a very talented blogger and person for that matter and one of the first people to inspire me to blog, so i find it appropriate that i have chosen her post as my first inspiration in this endeavor. click on the highlighted words in the paragraph above to go to her blog and the two specific posts i'm referring to.

there is a lot about elaine's posts that i could relate with but specifically, as we start a new year and i should be posting my new year's resolutions, looking back over what i'm grateful for, feeling optimistic about the future, etc. i'm instead feeling crushed by stuff...physical possessions mostly but also all the mental crap i need to sort out and throw out in order to be more productive and less self-absorbed. if i could get rid of all of this "stuff" instead of feeling like it is all such an integral part of who i am, that i will lose some essential part of my essence if i part with too much, i think i would be a lot better person...to myself, my family, my friends...definitely to my husband who is the minimalist i would love to be...

i do believe that less is more in theory...i just can't part with enough to get to that point. i also believe that if you par down to what is essential or most important, you will value it more. i have tried to do that in the way i live my life, but i'm still stuck with so much stuff. in particular, the garage is full of boxes...manuel points out i don't even know what is in all of them which makes it worse...if i lost them and didn't know what i lost...yet isn't that the point? i COULD lose all this stuff and really not miss it that much...like all these skeletons in my closet that are lying around somewhere inside me or in my past or in my head or in my memories or maybe just in all that stuff and if i actually just let it all go they wouldn't haunt me? so why is that so hard to do? please share with me how the rest of you wrestle with "stuff" and deciding how to let it go without losing essential aspects of yourself...

i could really analyze this topic much more, be more disclosing, get more resolution, end up with resolutions for the new year, etc. but honestly i don't have the energy. i just want to throw the idea out there, mill over it and really get more SLEEP for a change since i always make rest my last priority in attempts to fit everything else in...

i've started some new vitamins, nutritional supplements of some sort (i tried to do a link here but the company--mannatech--is different in different countries...i'll be taking their optimal support packets if anyone has any experience/opinions with this product) that i really do believe in so i'm going to give those 3 months to work, get more rest, exercise/walk in the sunshine more and see if these simple things can help get me jump started to a place where i can deal with all this stuff.

i've totally lost my train of thought...not an uncommon thing these days i'm afraid...so, back on topic, if i had less in my life, i believe the less i had would be more valuable and i could appreciate the small things (see some of my labels such as friends, sunshine, tea and of course anything that has to do with sea or story)...but don't follow those links since previous posts have been filled with over-analysis and trouble just "being" and appreciating and experiencing in the moment...here's to hoping these inspirational bloggers i've been following can help me do this more in 2009...

but of course i will come back to all those posts i had hoped to fit in over the holidays:

"what i miss about our old home"
"losing corky"
"holiday rambles and resolutions"
"happy birthday dad...still missing you so much"

all come to mind but they may have to be combined or alluded to instead of each getting their own post...we'll see how i'm doing with energy, time, rest, focus, etc...

i hope this blog will be more interactive this year so please bring on the comments, suggestions, links to your blogs or ones you follow that inspire you...

oh, and one more shout out to elaine...thanks for being an inspiration to so many...

a blogging challenge

no photo...fussy kids and too much to do today...

i posted roughly once a week last year. this year i have challenged myself to at least double that. one way i'm going to meet this goal is to peruse my fellow blogging friends' blogs once a week; pick my favorite or at least the one that pulls me in some way or inspires me or i can relate with or is just random or whatever, and then i will blog on that topic along with a link to said blog. i thought if i could get other bloggers in on this idea, we would all blog more, be more connected, be able to relate with one another more and, well, find solutions to some of the same conundrums we all tend to blog about.

this process will be fairly random...just the blog that leaps out at me on any given moment i am catching up on reading them; so i hope i don't offend anyone if i don't choose yours for awhile....send me links to your blog if you want to participate and don't think i'm already reading your blog...

the OCD aspects of my personality are really wanting to micro-manage and control how i go about doing this, but if you read the previous post, the emphasis here is going to be on living and experiencing life, not finding meaning, trying to understand or capture it in photos or words...i'll start the first blog inspired post tonight after the children are sleeping...let me know any suggestions you have for this endeavor!

experiencing life versus finding meaning in it

i found this photo randomly near the end; without searching for the perfect representation or symbol (read--"meaning") of the idea i'm trying to explain...looks like sea, story and my cat isaac are doing a good job just exeriencing life...well, the reality of life is that despite the long list of things to do, things i want to write, ideas i've captured mentally but haven't gotten down into too many blogs...my children need me...now...they can't eat breakfast by themselves today (ok, story can...and now that i've declared that, sea is happily feeding brother so even though i just burnt the toast and i'm hungry, i'll continue with this idea...)

so many of my blogging friends are good at this idea of living instead of just writing about living (a hard balance when keeping a blog)...so my next post is going to be a bloggers challenge for the new year...to keep me focused on this idea and to blog more...