letting go

i've had these two words running through my head for days now...trying to wrap my mind around the idea and figure out what this means. or at least what it means for me right now. i've always had an obsessive personality or over-analyze things at the expense of living (see previous posts on this topic)...there are many things i need to let go of so my disclaimer to this particular blog is i hope to focus on what is most important to let go of right now...so i can have an uncluttered mind and open spirit to bring sea's little sibling and our little baby in to the world...

the baby isn't due until feb 28 but i keep telling everyone that he or she is coming early...i'm having so many contractions as we speak...yet every day i feel like i'm holding back something or trying to have the baby wait for me to be just a little more ready...there is always more i can do, more ways to relax, prepare for the birth, prepare sea for a sibling, prepare the environment, etc. i think my husband is overwhelmed about all the back log of things never completed...i tend to accumulate projects and ideas in our garage and then they pile up and i never get to them...30,000 something photos in iphoto waiting to make their way into albums for example...but i'm getting off topic...so while he worries about our past, i worry about the immediate present and future and somewhere in there we are both forgetting to just LIVE and appreciate these last days alone with sea and as a family of three...

so i will trust my body and mind and ability to be in the moment when the moment arrives...i will deal with whatever birth is presented to me happy to welcome the healthy baby at the end of that journey and not obsessing over all i hope it will be...

and of course i need to not self-sabotage which means i need to actually PACK the things i've made list after list to take to the hospital, and bring out baby clothes and organize space for the baby, etc...instead of waiting for the onset of labor to motivate me...

hmmm...when i first typed "letting go" i had so many free associations and now i'm so tired i'm forgetting them...tonight i was going through a box of old letters, journal entries, notes sent/received with friends in junior high and high school...i had intended to throw a lot of them out as they are mostly negative "poor me" depressive, lonely, misunderstood high school stuff but as i read through them i realize i have held on to these because they are part of who i am today and some day my children may come and ask me about my insecurities and struggles during these years and i will have many samples to show them! they really are quite humorous to read now although so tragic to me in the moment i was writing them...it is nice to have the perspective of age and more experiences...something you can't explain to someone who doesn't have these things...

so i just organized them all in to chronological order (sometimes it does pay off to be so obsessive that i date everything...) and now i have to figure out if i will just keep them in files or try to make a little scrapbook of samples from different time periods...this is stressing me out just thinking of yet another project i won't get to so i'm going to go with just files...as least it isn't a giant box of mixed up paper like it was earlier...

other things to let go of...regrets...the boys i never asked out or never gave a chance (reading through above mentioned papers)...i want to let go of allowing myself to be so insecure, depressed, hopeless and alone for so many years...thinking these feelings somehow define me today...i remind myself here that the reason i am holding on to all these papers is to remind myself and possibly my children someday how i could go from that to the happiness and fulfillment i have now and not because i am fundamentally those things still...does that make sense?

i also want to let go of my anger, disappointment, frustration, etc. with friends and family during this time. yes, we all could have done things differently but we did the best with what we had where we were at and because i felt so misunderstood doesn't mean i was or that they didn't love me.

i want to let go of any unresolved issues with my dad. we had a great relationship and i always felt very close to him even if he didn't open up to me in the vulnerable emotional way i always hoped for...i can never get that nor can i ever have a conversation with him about it so i might as well focus on what we did have and appreciate that.

i want to let go of the depression that is back there somewhere...in my history...lurking possibly in my future...and not allow myself the luxury of falling back on it...like it is part of me or controls me or explains me...i can embrace the happiness and supportive friends and family that make up my life and expect this in the future. when i feel overwhelmed or like i'm "falling" back in to depression, i do not have to give in. i do not have to hide these feelings and feel alone suffering while trying to maintain a happy exterior. i can talk about my fears and even the hopelessness that i feel and DEAL with it before it overtakes me.

i'm tired but i don't want to end on that note...i really am a positive, idealistic, optimistic person on so many levels so my depressive side is hard to balance sometimes...i'm writing this post about letting go so i can make room for more positive energy, thoughts, feelings and welcome this new baby with open arms, an open spirit and an open heart.